


Born to Run

by deathsteel



Series: Introvered Romance in Our Troubled Minds [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Drama, Dry Humping, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Fingerfucking, First Time, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Frottage, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Coercion, Minor Violence, Mutual Masturbation, POV Multiple, Pining, ROTC, Romance, School Dances, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Strained Relationships, Therapy, Trials, couples for everyone, feels of all ages, franks discussions about sex, glacial build, mixtapes, or as frank as a teenager gets, surprising couples, teacher problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-04
Updated: 2013-12-16
Packaged: 2017-12-22 11:16:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 30
Words: 216,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/912558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deathsteel/pseuds/deathsteel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel and Dean are experts at running away from their problems. But, when circumstance brings them together in their senior year, will they be willing to face their demons and fight for something that really matters? Or will the fragile trust they build not be enough to repair the damage that's already been done to their minds and hearts? Highschool AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bastards of Young

Summers have that inexplicable quality of taking eons to arrive and then dragging on forever like a funeral march once you have finally admitted that you miss the routine monotony of school. The summer before Dean Winchester’s senior year seemed to lose its novelty much quicker than the previous vacations and breaks that were peppered throughout his high school career and Dean had spent much of his summer as he had the ones preceding it working in his Uncle Bobby’s garage. His little brother, Sam (little being used in its most ironic of ways since the guy now had several inches on his older brother) was exempt from the nepotism based slave labor that Bobby had come to expect of the boys every school break since they were old enough to hold a flashlight steady because he was taking entry level courses at the University of Kansas the summer before his own junior year began.

This particular summer had been maddeningly mundane, much like all of the others before it, but for some reason this summer, this last summer, had left Dean wanting. He had gone to the parties of course, the bonfires and the campouts with his friends, the sneaking into clubs in Kansas City a couple of times, and the subsequent hookups with girls from the college and other high schools in Lawerence. Their faces kinda blurred together, but Dean tried to soothe his guilty conscience for not remembering most of their names by telling himself that it was due to the alcohol and not some moral lacking on his part.

So the summer had passed slowly and Dean had done his level best to not kill his brother who was bursting with stories about his classes and the antics that the older students in his lectures got up to. He spent less time with the guys on his football team when he found that he couldn’t really stomach the stories of their conquests, which he knew he wasn’t much better but he wasn’t the type of guy to kiss and tell, and more time with Jo, Ash, and Garth whom he had always kinda considered his backup friends as horrible as that sounds. However, he amended his previous designation for them rather quickly after a heated night of watching Star Wars with the trio that had degraded into mock light saber battles in Garth’s basement rec room using broom handles resulting in several large bruises, a busted lip, and a broken figurine of a dancing unicorn. Those fun nights had been the only bright spots of color in an otherwise washed out summer and Dean had resolved to have more nights with people he could actually stand to be around.

As monotonous as the summer had proven to be, it was finally ending and the day before school started found him wiping the grease off of his hands after what felt like the billionth oil change of the week and looking forward to spending some quality time with Sam, whose classes at the college had ended the week before and who’s smugness at his grades had sufficiently faded enough to make him tolerable to be around for more than fifteen minutes.

“Heading out?” Dean heard a gruff voice behind him ask as he went to retrieve his backpack from the tiny, dingy breakroom/office that had been haphazardly slapped on the side of Bobby’s shop several years earlier during a particularly toasty spring break when John had failed to come through yet again with his promises of a father/son camping trip for the two boys.

“Yea,” Dean replied slinging his bag over his shoulder as he turned to face his almost uncle. “Y’know. School starts tomorrow.”

“Yer Dad told me,” Bobby replied with a sage nod before the usual grumpiness settled back onto his face. “What kind of school starts in the middle of the week anyway?”

“Highschool,” Dead replied seriously moving to leave the shop with a salute to Bobby.

“Hold on, boy,” Bobby groused moving to stand between Dean and the doorway and reaching for the well-worn leather wallet that Dean knew he kept in his back pocket. He extracted the wallet that was as familiar a fixture of the older man as the dirty green and white trucker hat he was currently wearing or his seemingly never ending supply of flannel work shirts and proceeded to remove several bills before returning it to his pocket as he cleared his throat awkwardly. “Here’s yer wages for this last week.”

Dean took the outthrust bills and went to shove them in the pocket of his faded, grease stained jeans before noticing exactly how much Bobby had actually given him and scrambling to give it back. “Whoa, Bobby! There is way too much here, I only worked two days and I cut out early yesterday because I had to take gigantor school shopping, there’s like three times that amount here.”

“I know ya idjit,” Bobby growled crossing his arms sternly across his flannel clad chest. He stared down Dean for a moment waiting for the younger man to just accept the money and not force an explanation. But after several moments of tense silence Bobby could no longer stomach the pride and stubbornness in Dean’s eyes that made him curse inwardly for giving a rat’s ass about any of the Winchesters. Well maybe not so inwardly, “Goddamnit, Dean. I know ya still need things for school and I can’t trust yer Dad to get it fer ya. So take the money and go buy some pants that ain’t got holes n’ grease all over ‘em.”

Dean’s first impulse was to defend John’s ability to provide for his sons but this was Bobby and Dean was well aware of the number of times his surrogate uncle had scraped his father off of the floors of some of the less savory bars in Lawerence and of the times that Sam and Dean had turned up on Bobby’s front porch for dinner because the grocery money had disappeared or to shower when the water was abruptly cut off at their own apartment. A flush crept up Dean’s neck at the memories of Bobby’s kindness over the years resurfaced and he knew trying to defend John’s actions to the wizened man before him was not only useless, but also insulting. His second impulse was to shove the money in the front pocket of Bobby’s work shirt and take off running, which while marginally less insulting was fucking suicide when Bobby caught up to him.

Bobby knew the inner struggle Dean was having as it wasn’t the first time he’d voiced his dissatisfaction with how his friend was handling raising his two boys on his own, but he also knew how the struggle would end as he fought to keep the corners of his mouth from twitching into a smirk of triumph. Dean gave him a thunderous stare, his jaw clenching in frustration that his failings were so obvious to Bobby and he shoved the money deep in his pocket. He cleared his throat hoping his conflicting emotions of gratitude and hopelessness were not evident in his voice, “Thanks Bobby. I’ll uh…work some extra shifts this next week to pay you back.”

Bobby gave a curt nod, knowing Dean well enough to know that it was pointless to try to turn down his offer and clapped the younger man on the shoulder, “Go on , git outta here. Big day tomorrow.”

“Yeah,” Dean muttered still fighting to swallow the lump in his throat as he made his way quickly towards the door.

“Making burgers Sunday,” Bobby declared stilling Dean who was halfway out the door back tensing under his grease and sweat streaked grey t-shirt. “You and Sam can come by, tell me how your first week went.”

Dean looked back over his shoulder, hoping Bobby wouldn’t see the sheen his eyes had unwillingly taken in the fading evening light. He managed a smirk for the older man that he knew didn’t reach his eyes, “I’ll bring the pie.”

Castiel had always dreaded summers, they dragged on and on with seemingly no end in sight, trapped in a home that felt foreboding and with a family he felt out of sync with. He usually spent a vast majority of the summer cloistered in his room with his iPod or at the local park jogging and practicing rifle drills with the striped down rifle that his father had gotten for him. It was really one of the few indulgences that had been allowed to him since his father thought that the ROTC at Lake Forrest promoted discipline. He supposed you could count the iPod as an indulgence, but that had been a present from Gabriel and he wasn’t even sure if his father had known about the abundance of secular music that was programmed on the device, not that it really mattered now. The rifle had earned Castiel some strange looks the first time he had brought it to the park that was a couple of blocks away from his new house, but he had managed to convince the few early morning walkers and joggers that he wasn’t the Son of Sam by bribing them shamelessly with coffee and donut holes. 

The summer before his senior year had been one laden with upheaval and the realization of the sheer enormity of how drastically his life had changed left him feeling uncomfortably rushed- no amount of running or getting lost in books or music could help him shake the guilt that still plagued him. However, Lawrence hadn’t proved as disappointing as Castiel had initially feared even though he hadn’t had as much time to explore it as he would’ve like. It was much bigger than his home town of Pontiac, not that even that had felt like home since he spent the majority of his time at Lake Forrest. It did have a lot of parks and trails and such for which Castiel was grateful since it meant he had somewhere to go to escape the suffocating newness of his new home. It also had some really interesting museums that Castiel had insisted on dragging his younger sister Anna out to. Initially she had begrudgingly accepted his attentions even though she was still partially blaming him for her having been ripped away from her friends right before starting high school. Their outings had been awkward, stilted and morose and as a result had caused Castiel to stop inviting her after the second silent disastrous trip. Castiel had shrugged off her coldness as her being a teenage girl, which he had never understood anyway and luckily the thaw had set in midway through the summer when Anna had befriended several girls at the local mall. 

Gabriel’s attentions had almost immediately been diverted after the move since he had opted to start school in the summer instead of waiting to join the rest of the incoming freshman in the fall. Castiel suspected it was to avoid unpacking more than the silence that permeated their new house since Gabriel talked enough to make up for what his siblings lacked as they acclimated to their new surroundings. Before classes had ended, he had brought the newly revived Anna to tears with laughter with stories of his classmates, one of which Gabe vehemently swore was a child genius. 

In the last week leading up to his final year, Castiel had finally slowed down enough to recognize the feelings of dread creeping up on him as the start of the school year loomed ominously. This was unusual since as a rule Castiel typically couldn’t wait to return to school and get away from home. But home meant something different now, it wasn’t the disapproving silences of his father and eldest brother or the ill-concealed contemptuous whispers of his neighbors. It meant the warm laughter of Anna now that she was showing him affection again and Gabe’s undying involvement in British period dramas that caused him to smile when Gabe openly bawled for his favorite characters’ misfortunes. It was something that had him quickening his pace on his morning runs and desiring solitude a little less. The dread though was nothing new, it had become all too familiar a feeling during his final days at Lake Forrest and his final week in Pontiac at the house he had always felt ambivalent about calling home. It was familiar, but different. It wasn’t the dread of being harmed or discovered, been there done that and Castiel sure as hell wasn’t going to put himself in that situation again. No, it was the dread that he could potentially harm the only two people he could still claim to care about. Thoughts of this nature had been invading Castiel’s mind and the shelter he had once found in running and music were long longer his safe haven from troubling feelings and memories. 

The morning the bomb dropped, as Castiel had affectionately started likening the commencement of his senior year to the detonation of atomic missiles, had been clear, the slight smell of ozone in the air and the sheen on the ground being the only evidence of the rain that had fallen overnight. Castiel cut his morning run short of its normal five miles in order to get home and surprise Anna and Gabriel with breakfast, seeing as how he wasn’t very good at verbally expressing affections he had decided that waffles would obviously be the next best thing. The sentiment was cut short when Castiel stepped into the house after his cool down in the front yard had left him breathless and sweaty only to be slapped in the face by the overwhelming smell of bacon. He rounded the corner from the hallway to see Gabriel bouncing around the kitchen singing some inane top 40s song wearing a “Kiss the Cook” apron. 

Castiel watched him for a moment, a smile twitching at the corners of his mouth. At home, Not home, Castiel corrected himself. This was home now. He knew now that whatever Pontiac may have been to him, it had never felt like this. In his father’s house, Gabriel had always been mischievous but subdued and had kept away from the house as much as possible during holiday breaks in order to avoid conflicts. Castiel knew now that he had been acting more out of a sense of self-preservation than any lack of familial love on Gabriel’s part. Hadn’t Castiel done the same by begging his father to send him to Lake Forrest in order to get a reprieve from Raphael and his father’s looming presence? Not that it had helped him in the end. Castiel shook off the fog that was pressing in, threatening to blot out the few bright spots that had revealed themselves over the summer. As Castiel watched Gabe began to move plates of breakfast foods, still singing to himself he finally noticed Castiel standing in the doorway.

“Heeey brother,” Gabriel crowed he mouth curving upwards into a wide smile. “Big day today. Thought I’d play Mr. Mom since you’ll probably be living off of poptarts til’ Christmas break.”

“It looks great,” Castiel said in his normal chain smoker meets cement mixer voice, moving to sit as Anna swanned into the room, already dressed for school. “What the hell are you wearing?”

“A dress,” Anna replied primly picking up a piece of toast and nibbling on it daintily. 

“That!” Gabriel said in a choked voice as he gestured wildly up and down Anna’s seated form. “That is not the kind of dress you wear to high school!”

Anna cast both of her brothers a murderous look before impassively turning back to loading her plate. “I have been wearing a uniform for the last three years and now I can wear what I want to school. And I am going to wear this dress.” She arched her eyebrow shrewdly at the two men, daring them to argue with her. 

The dress in question wasn’t entirely reprehensible, in fact it might be considered modest by the standards of many, but the transformation it brought to Anna Novak was what shocked her two older brothers. The green of the dress brought out the emerald clarity of the young woman’s eyes, its length and cut showing off the best features of the petite woman without being scandalous or overtly revealing. Overall it made the girl look every bit the age that the maturity her tone and bearing suggested. 

“Fine.” Gabriel groused after a tense moment. “But put a fucking sweater on or something.” He added as an afterthought.

Castiel watched as his sister smirked at her small victory, but nodded demurely as Gabriel started touting the evils of adolescent boys and hormones, blustering in a way that was an eerily accurate pantomime of their father’s imperious mealtime sermons. Castiel delved into his breakfast and contemplated the irony in either he Gabriel attempting to lecture their younger sister on morals. Since escaping their father’s household, Gabriel had revealed numerous character defects and vices that his siblings had been utterly unaware of including many different variations on the deadly sins, taking the Lord’s name in vain often and in very creative ways, and his proclivity for being a complete pushover where his younger siblings were concerned. As for Castiel, well it went unsaid that he was the reason for overturning their entire lives, but his own disdain for most people his own age now went unchecked and more often encouraged by Gabriel, who delighted in making the ineptitudes of others obvious to the rest of the world. Not that Gabriel was cruel, far from it; he just loved seeing people get their comeuppance. 

Castiel finished his breakfast just as Anna managed to artfully steer the discussion to her excitement at attending public school and since he couldn’t claim to share the excitement he decided to go and get ready. It was just one year and after that he could go and do his own thing. After a quick shower, he found himself dully staring at the row of school uniform components taking up a majority of his closet. He didn’t even know what people wore to public school. With a shrug he slipped on a white button down shirt, rolling the sleeves up on his forearms since summer was still stubbornly lingering even as August drew to a close. He reached for a pair of his dress slacks before a thought struck him causing a smile to quirk his lips, “Fuck it.” he grumbled turning instead to retrieve a pair of dark stone washed jeans from his dresser and sliding them on. He admired the affect in the mirror on the back of his bedroom door grabbing a pair of socks and slipping them on along with his ratty Converse sneakers that were sitting by his bed, still loosely tied from where he had removed them the night before after returning from the movies with Gabriel and Anna. Leaning closer to the mirror he made a half-hearted attempt to flatten his bedraggled looking hair with a sigh, knowing it would only do what it wanted to anyway. He snatched up his messenger bag from its spot near his door and hesitated for just a second before grabbing his blue Lake Forrest tie from where it had resided all summer on his doorknob and headed down the stairs.

“Ready, Cassie?” Gabriel shouted from where he was washing dishes at the kitchen sink still clad in purple pajama pants and an old yellowed Madonna t-shirt that he had in all likelihood slept in.

“Are you?” he asked incredulously as Gabriel shuffled to the door and slid on a pair of Anna’s sequined flip flops.

“I’m in college,” he said with a shrug grabbing his keys from a bowl by the door. “I can wear whatever I want to class. Plus I still look sexy as hell. Let’s go.”

Anna trailed behind Gabriel, alternating between pleading with him not to embarrass her and threatening him with creative forms of torture if he did. Castiel slipped his tie loosely around his neck and locked the door to the house musing that if nothing else Gabriel’s car would make their introduction to their new classmates a memorable one. The cherry red 1959 Cadillac convertible was backing out of the garage with Anna and Gabriel in the front seat, forcing Castiel to run and vault himself into the back seat in order to not be left walking to school. 

“The paint!” Gabriel shrieked slamming on the breaks abruptly causing Castiel to lurch down on to the floorboards of the classic car with a startled yelp. “I was going to fucking stop! You didn’t need to go all Bruce Jenner and pole vault into me car!”

“I don’t understand that reference,” Castiel moaned as he peeled himself off of the floorboards, rubbing his sternum from where he had somehow managed to elbow himself in the chest  
.  
“The grocery store,” Anna stated blandly, flipping down the passenger mirror to poke at her face like girls do when they are nervous about their appearance. 

“That’s right,” Castiel said turning his attention to his tie, which he began to expertly knot with quick movements of his slender fingers. Gabriel turned and scowled at his, his mouth nearly disappearing in displeasure. “You left me at the grocery store.”

“I forgot you were with me.” Gabriel stated through gritted teeth as he angrily threw the car into gear and started towards the high school. 

“I ran after you for six blocks,” Castiel reminded sternly.

“I didn’t see you.”

“I yelled,” Castiel said pointedly. “You had the top down, but you didn’t hear me because you had that awful song playing and were singing at the top of your lungs.”

“That’s it,” Gabriel growled as he swung the car wildly into a parking spot marked ‘Visitor’ in front of the sprawling single story building. He turned as pointed an accusing finger at his younger brother, his hazel eyes glinting madly. “Total Eclipse of the Heart is a fucking classic and I will not put up with you besmirching Bonnie’s good name after you’ve already assaulted her. Now get out of the car.” 

Anna rolled her eyes at Gabriel’s theatrics,” Can we get this over with?”

“Yea yea,” Gabriel muttered darkly, climbing out of the car and then watching with glee as Castiel fumbled past the seatbelt and out of the backseat with the grace of a blind one-legged penguin. “I’ve got some things to sign in the office here before I head to campus. Let me get a look at you before you go.”

Anna and Castiel moved to stand together at the front of the car for Gabriel’s inspection. Anna taking in the steadily filling parking lot and the looks of curiosity the trio were receiving with barely restrained excitement and Castiel fidgeting awkwardly with his tie and the strap of his messenger bag as he resolutely avoided eye contact with the flow of students surrounding them. Gabriel surveyed them with his arms crossed before sighing in resignation and running a hand through his messy brown hair. 

“Got your bags?” The two younger Novaks grumbled in assent and Anna lifted her brown leather satchel in a frustrated way. 

“Schedules?” he barked noticing that Castiel momentarily raised his eyes heavenward murmuring, “Lord give me strength.” under his breath.

“Seriously, Gabe,” Castiel intoned solemnly. “You don’t have to mother us.” 

“I know,” Gabriel replied with a huff before moving swiftly forward to embrace his siblings in a rib-crushing hug that more ended up crushing Anna’s throat and Castiel’s kidneys due to the differences in the three relatives’ height. “My babies are just growing up!” he finished dramatically before pulling away and wiping condensation from his eyes. He smile tearfully before turning and heading towards the main office, the sequins on his pilfered flip flops casting dancing reflections on the teacher’s vehicles as he passed.

“Ready?” Anna asked rubbing her hand over her throat, her voice sounding nervous and small. 

Castiel offered his arm to his younger sister with a smile that reached his eyes for once. “As I will ever be. Do try to remember what Gabriel said though.”

“Teenage boys are disgusting, moronic, buttholes.” She replied seriously as the duo started towards the school with more confidence than either of them felt. 

“No,” Castiel stated, chuckling slightly at the way his sister subconsciously edited Gabriel’s more colorful statements. “What he said last night. At the pizza restaurant.” 

Anna’s step faltered for a moment at the door of the building before her shoulders set with a new serenity. She tilted her chin up proudly, her eyes dancing with amusement. “The Novaks will be the hottest motherfuckers at this school.” Her voice dropped to a whisper as she cursed and she looked around self-consciously for a moment. 

“Yes we will,” Castiel replied, his own blue eyes sparking as he opened the door and motioned for his sibling to enter. He paused for a moment to retrieve his iPod out of his backpack and slipped an earbud into his ear, sighing in contentment as he queued up the song he had been listening to on his jog.

_God what a mess, on the ladder of success  
Where you take one step and miss the whole first rung_

Anna smiled brightly as her brother relaxed beside her. She gave Castiel a wink and set off to find her homeroom tossing encouragement over her shoulder as she went, “Poor guys will never know what hit them!”


	2. Teenagers

"Shitshitshitfuckshit," Dean muttered griping the wheel of his 1967 Chevy Impala with white knuckles as he skidded into the parking lot of Lawrence High School, leaving Fast & Furious movie worthy marks and a distinct smell of burning rubber lingering in the air as he began frantically searching for a parking spot.

"Calm down, Dean." Sam sighed wearily from the passenger seat as he fished the last broken bits of a poptart out of the foil wrapper in his hand. "It's not like we aren't already late."

Dean growled in frustration as he thought about what exactly had made the two brothers late. It had been John of course, stumbling into their small two bedroom apartment at around 3 a.m. slurring incoherently about the _goddamn vampires who had sucked him dry_ at the poker table and stinking of cheap bourbon, the cloying smell invading Dean's nose as he shouldered his father's weight and led him to his room, hoping that Sammy hadn't been woken up too. He had gone through the familiar motions of unceremoniously dumping his father into bed, removing his shoes, and then going through his pockets and wallet to try to calculate exactly how much John had lost that night. Sam had been sitting on the couch when he had returned to the living room, looking groggy and irritated.

"How much?" Sam had asked blandly. Dean winced at the memory of how resigned and world-weary his younger brother had sounded then. He was too damn young to be worrying about this kind of stuff.

"We'll have enough for rent," Dean had replied, receiving only a grunt from Sam in return before the younger Winchester had returned to their shared room and the twin mattress that he had outgrown over the course of the last couple of months.

After glaring at the green digital numbers of the microwave clock for a few moments, willing his buzzing brain to stop thinking of how long he could put off buying a new bed before Sam got permanent spinal damage, Dean had resigned himself to another sleepless night and settled on the couch with one of the dog-eared paperbacks that he kept on the side table. He didn't even remember falling asleep.

His reoccurring dream had just taken an uncomfortably awkward turn involving Wash walking in on him and Kaylee on the bridge and saying something about "an inevitable betrayal" when he realized that the incessant beeping he was hearing was not coming from the flight console he currently had Kaylee pressed against. He blearily opened his eyes and stumbled towards the noise that was coming from his bedroom.

"Turn it off," Sam groaned as Dean stumbled into his little brother's feet which were hanging off of the end of the bed by several inches.

Dean fumbled for his old flip phone sitting on the nightstand separating his and Sam's beds and thankfully the noise stopped. He collapsed into his mattress with a grateful groan and flipped so his back was to Sam before snuggling under his cool blankets. Dean vaguely hoped his dream got back on track and that Wash would take the hint and fuck off like a leaf on the wind. Being roughly shaken awake by the jolly green giant's nerdier, more annoying cousin was the next thing he remembered. One look at the clock on the cell phone that Sam thrust in his face had Dean lurching out of bed even though he had initially wanted to drift back off. Scrabbling around on the floor for jeans that were the least covered in motor oil, _need to do laundry today_ , Dean snagged his favorite Led Zepplin shirt that Jo had given him for his birthday out of the clean basket of laundry that he had not gotten around to putting away yet. He frantically sprayed some deodorant on and jammed his boots on, the laces flopping awkwardly as he hustled Sam out to the car.

Fifteen minutes later and Dean now couldn't find a decent parking spot to save his life.

"There!" Sam yelled, gesturing frantically at an empty spot next to the gym that had probably remained empty due to it being bordered on one side by some haphazardly stacked football tackling sleds.

"Of freakin' course," Dean muttered easing into the spot in an effort to protect his baby's paint job. He grabbed his bag from the backseat and rushed Sam out of the car.

The two ran towards the main building, breathless in the warming morning air that held no hint of the approaching fall, they could still make homeroom. No one would probably even notice they were late. Dean's phone chimed merrily from the pocket of his jeans that no, had not come with the rips already in them. Dean groaned, retrieving the device and quickly setting it to vibrate before reading the new message, it could only be from one person.

 **Broanna:** where r u!?  


 **Dean:** In the lot. Save me a seat.  


Dean quickened his stride in an effort to keep up with this long-legged brother, so intent on making it to homeroom before Mrs. Barnes noticed that he ran right into Sam who had stopped dead in his tracks in front of him.  


"Oh, Dean," Sam said reverently moving towards the object of his affections. "Look at this car."  


Sam's hands ghosted over the raised fins that supported the taillights of the red Cadillac once he got within touching distance. Dean watched as his brother did a slow circuit of the car and he could agree that it was a pretty hot little automobile. It had a cream leather interior with wood paneling and chrome finishes on the dash and was damn close to perfect all the way down to its white-wall tires. _Those fuzzy handcuffs on the rear-view mirror are freaky though,_ Dean mused, fidgeting anxiously with the strap on his backpack, they were getting later and later.  


"Let's go, bitch. With any luck the guy's in your class and he won't mind braiding your hair in the backseat," Dean snapped irritably, getting Sam's patented bitch face in return but it got him moving. Moving towards the school, which was really the only thing Dean wanted.  


"Whatever, jerk. I bet the guy who drives that gets more action than your hearse gets you," Sam retorted loudly, catching up with Dean at the door of the school.  


The door swung open suddenly from the inside, catching Sam in the shoulder causing him to stumble back half a step and drop his messenger back, where it promptly exploded, sending spirals and pens scattering.  


"I do pretty ok," an amused voice said, its owner coming out the door with his eyebrows waggling suggestively. The man stopped short when he saw the destruction in his path, a confused frown settling on his face as he looked up and up (and up when he turned his gaze to Sam)to the two men in front of him. _Dude's **short** ,_ Dean thought with an exasperated sigh as he watched the man stoop to begin helping Sam scoop up the widely strewn school supplies.  


Sam spared the man an annoyed glance as he shoved a messy stack of papers into his bag, before freezing and doing and almost comically slow double take at his helper. "Gabe? What are you doing here?"  


"You know this guy, Sammy?" Dean said curiously as he watched his younger brother flush crimson when the shorter man smiled widely at him, handing him a fistful of pens and highlighters. Dean appraised him in a cursory sort of way, taking in the man's (Gabe was it?) bejeweled flip flops and Madonna shirt with a quirk of his eyebrow. _Oh, Sam was going to hear about this later._  


"Yea," Sam said trying, and failing, to sound nonplused. "Gabriel was in my classes over the summer. Remember the story I told you? The guy with the Skittles and the whoopee cushions?"  


"Oh, Samtown. I'm touched I made such an impression." Gabriel said with a wry smile, standing and retrieving a set of keys from the pocket of his purple plaid pajama pants. "Anyway, I've got to dash to class myself."  


Gabriel made his way towards the red Cadillac, twirling the keys on his finger and Dean watched slightly horrified, but more impatiently as Sam lumbered gracelessly to his feet and took several steps to follow the shorter man. "Why are you here, Gabe?"  


Dean snorted and rolled his eyes, he really did not care about Sam's painfully obvious man-crush right now. Homeroom was with Mrs. Barnes and while she was hot as hell, especially in that one dream with the Van Halen soundtrack that he had every so often, she was also fucking scary when you got on her bad side. "I'm going, Sam."  


Sam waved him off absentmindedly and Dean headed into the building with a shrug, catching Gabriel's reply just as the door closed behind him.  


"I'm just dropping off my sister and brother."  


Castiel had a strategy for his senior year. It was simple and though he was fairly certain that it would prove effective he was still nervous about actively putting it to the test in this setting. He had nicknamed the strategy the Black Widow, the inspiration for it coming to him when he had gone to see Iron Man 2 with Gabriel as a sort of brotherly bonding exercise right after the move. He had practiced the spy's cool, unaffected manner with his therapist and while she had initially badgered him incessantly, throwing threatening, doctory sounding terms at him like major depressive disorder and unhealthy coping mechanisms for the disinterest and lack of emotion he had shown in their sessions, but even she had finally given him up as a lost cause and written him a prescription for Prozac with a resigned sigh.  


So far, the disinterest was a lot less hard to affect than he had feared as he surveyed the other people in his homeroom while they staggered through the door, looking too tired to qualify as living. Most had shuffled in and practically collapsed into their seats, slumping down in exhaustion or flat out setting up make shift beds using multiple desks and their book bags as pillows. He had been one of the first people in the room and snagged the desk that was as close to the door as possible, a seat that would give him the opportunity to not only study his classmates without drawing attention to 'that creepy staring thing' Gabriel swore up and down he did when he was focusing intently on another person, but also give him the chance to be the first out of the classroom when the bell sounded.  


As the room filled steadily with students, the buzz of the chattering around him and the shrieks of the old friends having heart-felt reunions began to grate on his nerves. Castiel also noticed that he was drawing far more attention than he liked, he assumed it was because he was new and shiny. He employed his first tactic of avoidance by pulling out his schedule and looking at it, even though he had practically memorized it in the last two weeks since it had came in the mail, and turning up the volume on his iPod. He smirked slightly at the insightfulness of the device that had been playing songs that eerily mirrored his emotions since he had turned the shuffle feature on.  


_**They said all teenagers scare the living shit out of me!** _  


"Homeroom, physics, history, english, lunch, french, study hall, calculus, gym," Castiel murmured tapping his fingers unconsciously along with the music on the desk.  


The final bell rang, drawing a rush of students in the door. These seemed like a slightly livelier bunch, most were clutching energy drinks or sodas, but the two that peaked Castiel's interest, though he was very careful to keep his curiosity from showing on his features, were holding large Starbucks cups that someone, he could only assume a concerned barista, had drawn skulls and warning symbols on. One was a petite girl with cascading blonde hair wearing an unbuttoned blue flannel shirt over a plain white shirt and cut off bermuda shorts. Castiel noted that she was very free with her smiles and laughed a lot. The other was a pale young man, whose own dirty blonde hair was cut into what could only be described as a mullet, wearing a button down denim shirt with no sleeves and black shorts with well-worn Vans. The boy spoke less, but seemed fond of the word 'dude'.  


The pair took seats towards the back of the room, the girl tossing her backpack down on the empty seat in front of her and pulling her phone out, thumbs flying as she texted and laughingly rolled her eyes at the boy who had taken the seat next to her. Castiel tore his gaze away from the pair, the ease and genuineness of their interactions had distracted him enough that he had not noticed the older woman who had taken up a post at the front of the room, leaning on her desk with her arms crossed languidly over her chest and a slightly amused look on her face. Castiel surreptitiously removed his headphones as the room began to fall silent under her intense gaze. Once she had gotten everyone's attention, she fluidly grabbed a stack of papers off of her desk and dropped them on the desk of the student sitting in front of the room on the opposite side from Castiel.  


"Take one and pass it back," the woman said in a bored, rehearsed manner. She paced the front of the room in easy strides, her restless movements at odds with the blandness of her tone as the heels of her black boots clicked sharply on the tile floor.  


 _She's got the voice down,_ Castiel thought. _But she's no Natasha Romanoff._  


"My name is Pamela Barnes," she continued. "You guys can call me Mrs. Barnes or Pam if you don't piss me off."  


A hand shot up from the middle of the room, Castiel craned his neck and saw that it belonged to a boy who looked way too old to still be in high school with eyes that had a strange jaundice-like tint, pock marked skin and a letterman jacket draped across his desk. _Football,_ Castiel decided as he took in the other large boys sitting around the hand-raiser, making vulgar gestures towards the teacher as if she couldn't plainly see them. Mrs. Barnes acknowledged him with a nod. "How do we know if we've pissed you off, Pam?"  


She frowned at the boys and moved to sit behind her desk. "You should just assume that is the case until you have been notified otherwise," she told him in a biting, clinical tone.  


That stopped the boy and his friends cold, their laughter quickly becoming uncomfortable and then nonexistent. Castiel grinned as he watched them shift awkwardly; he hoped all of the teachers were like Mrs. Barnes. "I'm going to call roll, please respond with something appropriate when you hear your name."  


Castiel paid attention, schooling his features into a mask of boredom that he had practiced for hours in front of the mirror on the back of his bedroom door. Wanting to put names with faces, he noticed that the blonde girl was named Joanna Harvelle, but she preferred to be called Jo as she quickly informed the teacher and her friend was named Ash Lindberg. Castiel was surprised when the teacher did not stumble over his name as many did, but he figured with another student named Azazel she was probably used to weird names. However, upon hearing an unfamiliar name many of the students turned to look at him and he could feel the muscles in his neck tensing under the scrutiny. He stifled his feelings of panic and turned his attention to the thick ream of stapled papers that had finally made its way around the room to him, in order to avoid meeting anyone's gaze and inadvertently giving off the impression that he wanted friends.  


 _But you do!_ An annoying part of Castiel's mind protested, a part that sounded vaguely like Gabriel's singing from earlier that morning.  


"Parker, Ryan" Mrs. Barnes continued reading the least of students as if she were reading the ingredients of a particularly disappointing brand of breakfast cereal.  


'Lawrence High School Student Handbook' Castiel skimmed the title with a sigh, flipping to the table of contents and reading it disinterestedly, his fingers itching to put at least one ear bud back in to combat the nausea that welled up unexpectedly. He focused on his breathing instead.  


"Steward, Miranda"  


 _Really?_ Castiel thought as he read through the more saucy parts of the handbook. _There is a whole section in this handbook about what constitutes lewd behavior, in detail. And it includes spitting? How is spitting lewd? Its gross, but not lewd. Well, unless you have some weird body fluid kink._ Castiel tried not to think about what happened to necessitate such thorough descriptions in a Midwestern high school handbook. But the dress code went into just as much uncomfortable detail when it described what swimwear was and was not appropriate to wear on school outings. _Public school is **different.**_  


Mrs. Barnes arched a disdainful eyebrow at him, "Right. And finally. Winchester, Dean."  


The silence echoed through the room, with a sigh the teacher repeated herself before grumpily stating, "Oh for Christ's sake. What is this, Ferris freaking Bueller!? Anybody see Winchester this morning?"  


In a moment that Castiel decided could've only been better timed if John Hughes had been shouting direction from behind a camera, the door opened and in walked a breathless looking boy. Castiel studied him for a moment, not realizing that the curious tilt to his head had the potential to negate the all of the work he had put into cultivating a guise of aloofness if anybody had focused their attention on him instead of the more recent addition to the classroom. The boy was probably about Castiel's height, maybe slightly taller, it was hard to tell since he was not standing himself. He was well-muscled in a way that implied that he was not unfamiliar with physical labor, but probably didn't actively work out much beyond any sports he might play. Castiel decided that it had to be football, judging from his bow-legged stature he probably wouldn't be coordinated enough to maneuver with the fluidity of a basketball player and while his skin was tanned, it wasn't really the dark tan that many baseball players sported. He had delicate features, but not like a girl. Just…pretty.  


 _Beautiful!_ His inner Gabe voice squealed.  


Castiel ignored the voice and continued his observation, his brow furrowing in concentration as he studied the newcomers face. It wasn't that pretty. _Gorgeous,_ his traitorous mind supplied. Okay, so the guy had cheekbones that could probably cut glass and the stubble on his cheeks, while probably unintentional since the guy was over fifteen minutes late to the first day of school, gave his face a rugged quality that most producers probably salivated over when casting action films. He had these amazing cupids bow lips that were currently twisting into a sheepish grin as he quietly shut the door to the classroom behind him. The boy's nose was Romanesque, casting his face into sharp profile, but had a slight bump, as if it had been broken and had not been reset properly, but Castiel decided that it only added character to the face before him.  


"Am I late?" the boy asked innocently as he turned and cast a searching gaze over the classroom. It afforded Castiel the opportunity to get a complete view of his face, revealing a faint dusting of freckles as the light glanced off of his features.  


_Freckles!_  


"Not at all, Mr. Winchester," Mrs. Barnes replied, her voice dripping with a mixture of amused sarcasm and boredom. "We're honored you've decided to join us. Now if everyone will turn to the sixth page of your handbook…"  


Castiel tuned her out, his fingers tapping an agitated rhythm on his desk as he observed the newcomer, _Dean_ , move towards the back of the room out of the corner of his eye. He rolled his shoulders, attempting to ease the pressure on his muscles and ok, maybe he turned his head just a little so that he could follow the boy's progress as he sank heavily into his seat, the seat that had been recently occupied by one Jo Harvelle's backpack, and ran a hand over that perfect face. Castiel noticed that he looked tired. How had he not seen the dark circles under the boy's eyes when he had been gawking at him? He watched, his vision going slightly red on the edges as Jo punched Dean in the shoulder in greeting and the boy turned to smile at her in return.  


 _She's probably his girlfriend._ Another voice hissed in his head, this once sounded sanctimonious and spiteful.  


Great, now he had multiple personality disorder too. Castiel figured his therapist would have a field day with that, but he had no intention of telling her about the fractured parts of his conscience that had recently began to reveal themselves. He was so intent in his own personal self-diagnosis that he did not notice that Mrs. Barnes had moved to stand in front of him until a hand with crimson nails struck out and stilled his frantically tapping fingers with an iron grip. Her gaze, when he met it, could have burned the eyes right out of his head. Her mouth twisted shrewdly and Castiel wondered idly if she hated her job or maybe it was just the students.  


"Mr. Novak," she began imperiously. "Why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?"  


 _How about I don't._ Castiel thought. He knew this part of his head was his own. The sarcasm was unmistakable. _Because there is nothing to tell. Because you are nothing._ That however, was laced with venom and almost caused his carefully constructed mask of disinterest to crack.  


He swallowed the lump in his throat and forced a grin at his teacher, getting to his feet with much more aplomb than he felt. With a quick prayer to whatever or whoever might have been listening, though Castiel liked to think that somewhere God's voicemail was not entirely full just yet, he faced his classmates seeing interest, mirth, hostility, exhaustion, hunger, confusion, and a myriad of other emotions screaming back at him from the audience in front of him.  


He cleared his throat thoughtfully, "My name is Castiel Novak."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! Just wanted to take a moment to assure you that I am a real person and not, in fact a robot. As a person I like to interact with other persons. So please don't hesitate to let me know what you think or if there is something you want me to include or you think I could improve on. I'm not easily offended and I'm not entirely comfortable begging for reviews, but here I am anyway. I'm going to try to get on a regular posting schedule, but now I don't know what that will be yet, just know I have a lot of ideas for this story (as well as another one) and have no intention of letting it die. I should have decided by the next update which days I'm going to post one so stay tuned!
> 
> Also thank you to all of you who did read, comment, subscribe, kudo or even hated this story. If I cause you to have feelings when you read this then thank you!


	3. Perspectives

Many people called Jo Harvelle driven, but those people were just being polite. Some referred to her as quirky and that one just confused her because what was this? Fucking Gilmore Girls? Others still said she was a bitch, both to her face and behind her back, and that was probably closer, but it failed to account for why many of the people who called her that had also recently gotten their asses handed to them by her for one reason or another. Her mom, Ellen, told her she was foolish and pig-headed. Those were both true, but Jo liked to think of herself as brash. Dean and Ash called her 'Broanna' with affection, but they also used it when they needed something. In Dean's case it was usually a place to crash or a hot meal that he didn't want to ask for, but she could tell he needed and for Ash it usually meant he wanted a wingman or an alibi. Garth just called her, which was irritating but also sort of endearing.

But back to brash, sure it had some negative connotations, but it also got the job done. Brash is what war generals and friggin' superheroes were. Han Solo was brash, Iron Man was brash and, damnit, Jo felt like she was as good as a gun toting genius billionaire badass space captain any day. But she was also a girl and as is the wont of the fairer half of the species that has been blessed with fallopian tubes and biological clocks, she liked a challenge. And while she currently had her hands full with that Becky girl who still wore tube socks with her gym uniform and talked about Buffy all the time, it didn't mean that she was oblivious to the fact that Castiel Novak was desperately in need of an intervention.

She listened thoughtfully as he rattled off the usual new student spiel, gave his name and talked about his hometown. He told the class he had gone to Lake Forrest Academy and was in the ROTC there. _That explains the stick up his ass,_ Jo thought as she took in his stiff posture and his clipped manner of speaking. He made some offhanded remark about how he wanted to be an engineer, which seemed incredibly dull to Jo and she figured it was bullshit anyway. Studying engineering sounded like something your parents told their friends you did when you were really off experimenting at a liberal arts college.

She found herself intrigued that his words and manner were so at odds with his appearance. He wasn't obsessively put together like some of the other fanatic military kids who were in the ROTC here. His dark hair was ruffled and messy, like he had just gotten out of bed and not bothered with fixing it. His expression was one of bland exasperation, he seemed like he was irritated about having to speak in front of the class, but not particularly nervous. He had a tie loosely knotted around the neck of his white button down shirt that he hadn't bothered tucking into his jeans and scuffed, dirty Converse that definitely had seen better days.

Castiel didn't really look like the kind of guy who could take having orders barked at him, he was sort of on the delicate looking side with pale skin and a slim frame. _Yep,_ Jo decided when Pammy B. asked for a volunteer to show the new student around, her hand shooting into the air faster than Tommy Martin's had shot up to grab her boob when they had slow danced at the winter ball in the 9th grade. _The poor guy sticks out worse than Garth's ears and I have to save him from himself._

"Great," Mrs. Barnes stated drily at Jo's enthusiasm and motioned for Castiel to go back to his seat with a dismissive wave of her hand.

Castiel locked eyes with Jo for a tense moment and she noticed the fingers on his left hand twitching against his leg before he stiffly moved to sit back down. He fumbled with an ear bud clumsily, a gesture that was at odds with the cool demeanor he had just presented to the rest of the class.

"Why, Jo?" Dean asked her spinning around in his seat and snapping her out of her thoughts. "Why do you always do that?"

"Do what?" she replied innocently, tucking her hair behind one of her ears, the force of her gaze transferring to her friend in front of her. _He looks tired._ she thought taking in the stubble on his jaw and the dark circles under his eyes. She offered him her Starbucks cup which by now was only half-full and probably mostly cold.

"Take in strays," he grumbled in reply, taking the offered cup gratefully and practically inhaling his first mouthful before making a disgusted face and coughing slightly. "What is this jet fuel?"

"Eight shots," Jo stated ignoring his first statement. She did not 'take in strays' she was friendly and she liked to help people, so what if those people usually reminded her of the sad puppies on that sappy ASPCA commercial. "And why were you late?"

She meant to sound suggestive, everyone knew of Dean's track history with girls, however only a few of select people knew of why he was so reluctant to be more emotionally invested in another person beyond flirting and one night stands. Jo happened to be one of those people. So the question came out sounding more mother-y than she had intended and she saw him slipping into the easy nonchalance that he was known for, that he probably didn't even realize he did anymore.

His reply was short, but it was still enough that Jo heard the anger in his voice, "John had a late night."

She stifled the urge to lecture him and settled for a long-suffering sigh instead. Jo wasn't sure which was worse, the forty year old drunk who would just fake his way through rehab again if he were forced into it or his son who had the emotional depth of a kiddie pool. But she was well aware of how futile it was to try to get Dean to talk about it, so she decided to focus on something that she might be able to do something about. Castiel looked like he was going to bolt as soon as the bell rang. "I'm gonna need you guys' help with Bambi."

"Who?" Ash replied tearing his eyes away from his cell phone where he was probably hacking into NASA or something and Jo rolled her eyes at his obliviousness.

She jutted her chin sharply at Castiel who was surreptitiously slipping his messenger bag onto one shoulder. Dean and Ash turned their attention to the boy just as he chanced a look over his shoulder at Jo, his eyes going wide when he saw the trio staring at him. His head snapped forward and Jo saw Dean's shoulders tense under the faded material of his shirt. _God, maybe I shouldn't drag him into this. He's got other things to stress about._

"What's the plan, dude?" Ash drawled, sounding only mildly interested as he slipped his phone into the front pocket of his work shirt.

"I'm going to go introduce myself," Jo said shoving the useless student handbook into her bag. "When the bell rings, you and Dean need to…Dean. Dean, are you paying attention?" she punched him sharply in his arm to get his attention.

Dean tore his gaze away from the stiff back and rigid profile of Castiel, shaking off the tunnel vision she knew he got when he was really tired. "Yea, but maybe you should leave the guy alone, Jo. He doesn't really look like he wants-"

"What? Friends? What kind of person doesn't want friends?" Jo said effectively cutting off Dean's protests as she stood and slipped down the aisle, moving to place herself between Castiel and the doorway just as the bell sounded.

The boy flinched slightly at the bell, like he hadn't been expecting it to be so loud. He looked at Jo with wide eyes and she couldn't help but smile. "Hi! My name is Jo. Let me see what your schedule looks like and then I can tell you where to go."

Castiel hesitated for a second, but then wordlessly handed his schedule over to Jo as Dean and Ash fell into place behind her. Ash attempting to look stern with his arms crossed over his chest and Dean looking embarrassed by Jo's relentlessness with his hands shoved deeply in the pockets of his jeans and his ears tingeing pink. She took the proffered slip of paper and gestured casually at the two boys standing behind her. "That's Ash and prince charming there is Dean."

Jo noticed that Castiel's mouth dropped open at her off-handed remark before he flushed slightly and murmured a greeting at the two boys. She smirked slightly at his reaction. _Awww, Bambi is so the right name for him._ "Oh, hey. You have physics next. Ash, don't you have physics with Gerlach too?"

"Sure do," Ash replied. "I'll take care of you newb, no worries. Let's go"

With that Ash made to leave the class and Castiel hesitated slightly before following him, Jo trailed behind them still studying the boy's schedule. She noticed that he would have at least one of the three of them or Garth in every one of his classes and did a silent fist pump into the air that caused Dean to raise an eyebrow at her curiously. She just smiled at him, watching Castiel trudge along in front of them with Ash like he was walking to his execution. She hoped maybe he was just nervous, but if he was then he was still doing a pretty good job of hiding it.

Dean just shrugged and tossed the now empty Starbucks cup into a trash can as he passed, "Well, I'm off to Spanish with Senor Sanz, wish me luck."

"See you at lunch, dude." Ash said with a small salute.

Castiel gave Jo a glance before grumbling in his deep voice, "Adios."

Dean gave the boy a confused look, a bemused smile on his face as he gave Jo a quick one armed hug and headed off down an adjoining hallway.

"I should get going too," She said reaching out and giving Castiel's shoulder a friendly punch. It wasn't as hard as she usually hit the others, but the boy scowled at her and rubbed his arm in a wounded manner. She handed him back his schedule and turned to bounce back down the hallway towards her Algebra class, calling back to the pair who were standing outside their own classroom. "Ash be nice, I'll see you next period, Castiel."

**0000000**

Ash Lindberg had taken a test once when he was a kid. Well he had taken a lot of tests, but this one had been different. It was around the same time that he built that robot that shot paintballs at his neighbor's Pomeranian when it barked. So he figured he had probably been around eight. The results had said that his IQ was something a like 190 and when his dad had looked up Steven Hawking's online when they got home that night the stern older man had started crying. But when he asked, his mom told Ash that they were happy tears. A couple of weeks later he had met Jo at the public pool and she treated him just like every other dumb boy who pulled her pigtails. And really, he was.

Ash hadn't let the fact that he was considered a genius phase him. He had still liked Pokémon and all he really wanted for his birthday was a skateboard, not the chemistry set his dad spent a whole paycheck on. He never felt different, at least not until his parents tried to send him to a magnet school in the fifth grade and separate him from the small group of friends who helped calm the buzzing mess his head usually was. So, he had sat himself down at mom's computer and deleted all of the records that contained any mention of test scores. He then forged some less than glowing letters of recommendation from his teachers and doctored his past report cards so he just seemed above average instead of genius. Thwarting his parents had taken him less than an hour, but to this day his dad still had trouble looking him in the eye.

As a small part of Ash's mind reminisced, the rest of it was currently being less than stimulated by the droning of Mr. Gerlach, the portly teacher going on and on about what the class was going to be studying this year. Field theory and quantum mechanics, _puh-leaze._

To entertain himself Ash turned his scrutiny onto his lab partner, taking him in with a practiced gaze. He was interesting, in a way, a man of few words. But Ash thought that it was probably less of a natural trait, like his own brand of slacker stoicism, and more of a self imposed state of being. Ash could tell by the way Castiel thinned his lips and swallowed when he had wanted to refuse Jo's insistence at being his guide, like he was forcing the words back down his throat.

The guy was also in every single advanced placement class that the school offered; even Ash only took the interesting ones. Who takes AP English? He thought one area of his mind idly picturing Dean crouched over a dusty old tome in some massive library, giggling like a school girl. _Nerds, that's who._

So Ash figured the guy was either seriously smart or anal retentive or had a very sad, pathetic social life to want to take on that much extra course work. He, himself could do any assignment almost as fast the teacher's could print them, but that didn't mean that he wanted to take time out of his busy schedule of drinking and blowing apart the validity of sci-fi movies to engage in more 'intellectual pursuits'. As he watched Castiel take fevered notes over what, he didn't know, Gerlach wasn't saying anything interesting; he decided that it was probably some fucked up Molotov cocktail combining all three and thus the guy definitely needed to chill out.

He hadn't ever been convinced of Jo's intervening expertise. Hell, Becky Rosen still sent half of the class forwards of her Spike and Giles slash fiction and that was after getting Jo's special brand of 'help' for the last six years. But he felt like between himself, Garth, and Dean they could probably offset her half-assed attempts at Oprahing the new kid enough to get the guy laid at least. Judging from Castiel's less than enthusiastic response to Jo, he needed to start with baby steps.

"Dude," Ash said, pulling Castiel away from whatever boring bullshit Gerlach was spouting. "You like sci-fi?"

"What?" Castiel replied in a near whisper, casting an uneasy glance at the oblivious instructor.

"Science fiction," Ash clarified slowly, noticing how the boy's pupils dilated and his fingers started twitching when he was anxious. "Like space, robots, the future, aliens. Y'know impossible sciencey stuff."

Castiel let out a frustrated sigh and ran a hand through his hair, causing it to stick up even more as he tilted his head in a confused way. "I know what science fiction is. What I do not know is why you are asking about my preference for it."

"We do a movie night on Wednesdays, me n' the boys. Mostly we watch sci-fi, but we take turns picking and trust me Jo and Garth's tastes can be a little too estrogeny sometimes, if you know what I mean. A fifth person would help break ties. You in?"

Castiel eyed him suspiciously, probably searching for ulterior motives. Ash watched as the guy frowned unconsciously, an almost imperceptible facial twitch that probably would've been misinterpreted as Castiel considering if anyone else had been observing him. But Ash could see the wheels turning in the boy's head and knew the answer as soon as it was decided. "I appreciate the offer. But I am quite certain that I will be busy."

His reply had been given in slow measured tones and Ash could sense that Castiel had other things that he wanted to say. But then the boy swallowed and the words were gone, reduced back down into nothingness. Ash prided himself on being able to read people; he was the one that had known that Garth had a crush on Jo even before the kid had opened his mouth and he knew everything that Dean didn't tell them about what was going on with his dad, even though John was very careful to not leave visible bruises, for a drunk. Castiel was hard to read though; his face was a mask of carefully studied indifference. Ash could tell it was a mask, of that much he was certain, but for what purpose he wasn't sure.

 _Bor-ring!_ The majority of Ash's mind thought, pulling him away from his study of his lab partner and filing away his observations for later examination. He always did his best thinking after two or three beers anyway. He pulled out his phone with a shrug and shot Jo a quick text message.

 **Dr. Badass!:** Movie madness is a no go. I'm tapping out, you're up.

Then he got back to his most pressing project-hacking Alistair's student email so that he could send Mr. Gerlach anonymous love messages. He figured he would be done by the end of second period.

**0000000**

Garth Fitzgerald IV was a simple man. He liked bar-b-que, Nascar, peach cobbler and pretty girls. When he came to Lawrence in the spring of his freshman year he had been hoping to find decent bar-b-que, knew that he would still have his mom's peach cobbler, and had been lucky enough to find someone to talk about Nascar with. That person had just happened to be a pretty girl and Garth had thought that he could not get any luckier.

He was convinced to this day that Jo Havelle was the only woman he could ever love, though she had made it clear to him that she thought of him as nothing more than a goofy brother. Initially, he was really very hurt by the whole thing, especially since he thought that it wasn't very fair, no one could be expected to compete with Dean Winchester. After several years of friendship, he now knew without a doubt how dumb his initial assumptions had been. Jo thought that Dean was just as goofy, if not goofier than Garth.

He walked into his third period history class, excited that he was going to get to see Jo. He did not have a lot of classes with her this year and he couldn't wait until the end of the month to give her her birthday present at the party she was planning for herself. When he spotted her sitting behind an unfamiliar boy with a thunderous expression on his face, chatting amicably even though it looked to him like the conversation was pretty one sided his stomach twisted into the now familiar knot of jealousy that he got when he saw Jo with another guy, but the feeling soon subsided as he watched the boy pinch the bridge of his nose in an irritated way.

"Hiya, beautiful," he called to Jo with his normal greeting. Quickening his pace to snag the empty seat beside her, he gave the boy in front of her a once over, assessing the possibility of Jo liking this guy.

"Hey Garth," Jo replied giving him a wide smile and cocking her head at the boy in front of her who had turned slightly in his seat to observe their interactions. Garth noticed that the thunderous expression had been downgraded to a mildly inconvenient rain storm. "This is Castiel Novak, he went to school in nowhere Illinois."

Castiel extended his hand in a perfunctory sort of way, "I'm from Pontiac. But my school was just outside of Chicago actually."

"Neat." Garth replied reaching out and shaking the boy's hand enthusiastically. "Garth Fitzgerald IV, my dad wasn't creative enough to think of a new name."

"You didn't say you went to school in Chicago," Jo interrupted, her brow furrowing in that cute way that just made Garth want to jump in front of bullets for her.

"You didn't ask," Castiel replied drily. He turned back around in his seat and placed an ear bud in his ear.

Garth couldn't decide how he felt about the guy. He was a little rude, maybe. Garth always tried to not assume the worst in people; his mother had raised him to be a 'glass half full' kind of guy. Maybe Castiel just didn't like Jo, but everyone liked her so that couldn't possibly be it. Maybe he was an alien. Garth had read about some aliens in the National Inquirer who came to earth to engage specific test subjects, but didn't see the point in expending the energy they used to power their cloaking devices in plying pleasantries on people they were not trying to probe. But then the thought struck him that if the dude were an alien that mean that Garth was a potential probee since he had wasted energy being civil to him. The thought made him shudder, _No thanks._

He watched Jo as she struggled with being snubbed, it didn't come very naturally to her. She looked at Garth for a moment, her mouth moving wordlessly and he just shrugged in response. She frowned and then turned back to face the back of Castiel's head as she reached out and rapped him sharply with the pen in her hand. The boy's hand shot up and grabbed the back of his head where the pen had hit him, flinching as the unexpected pain laced through his nerve endings.

"Ow, what the hell!?" Castiel said turning around quickly in his seat with an annoyed look on his face and was met with Jo's equally irritated expression.

"What the fuck is your damage!?." Jo barked causing the students in the row in front of them to give the trio a scandalized look. Their teacher was currently sitting back with his feet up on his desk talking on his cell phone. AP History was kind of pointless and most of the students were used to their instructor's apathy, but that didn't mean they wanted his attention on them or worse on the material they were supposed to be learning. "I am trying to help you and you won't talk to me or my friends. You act like we're completely inconveniencing you!"

"I never asked for your help," Castiel's tone was icy and Garth was happy it wasn't directed at him because if looks could kill, then Jo would have been mourning over his sizzling corpse right now.

The paired stared at each other and Garth could only look back and forth trying to understand exactly where all of this tension had come from. "Fine", Jo snapped pulling out her phone without breaking eye contact. "I'll tell Dean not to bother looking out for you in Shurley's English class next period. You're on your fucking own."

Jo chose that moment to look down at her phone, but Garth saw it. The brief flash of panic that crossed Castiel's face before a blank mask settled on his features and he replied blandly, "Excellent."

 _Oh,_ Garth thought. He didn't have all of the pieces but he was pretty sure he knew where Castiel's hostility towards Jo had come from. It was the same place from which Garth had gotten the nerve to punch Tommy in the face when Ash had related the story to him, about a month after he had moved to Lawrence, about the boy groping Jo at a formal dance. Jo had been the first person to sign his cast in appreciation.

He watched Castiel turn back around and put both ear buds in, angrily punching the buttons on his iPod till the music became loud enough for Garth to hear faintly from his seat. Garth reached out a hand to still Jo's own angry button stabbing, giving her a small shake of his head when she gave him an annoyed look.

"Don't bother," Garth said trying to sound soothing and taking the phone out of her hand. She made a move to stop him as he deleted the long-winded text that she had been about to send Dean and then glanced at Castiel. "Just let him find out on his own."

Jo thought he was talking about Dean. Which is what Garth knew she would think, sometimes he thought he was the only one who could read the subtle shifts in Jo's mood. He figured he would just have to play peacekeeper between Castiel and Jo until he could lay out his theory for her. They had Chemistry next, he could do it then. Because Garth knew jealously when he saw it and it made you do stupid, thoughtless things, Garth still had the pins in his wrist to prove it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tuesdays and Fridays. Those are good days to update, right? I hope so, because if i didn't set a schedule out I would be forever writing this and I have another AU I want to do before trying my hand at a canon fic. I've raised the rating to M, because the characters are kind of doing what they want and a teenage boy's libido is a hard thing to predict. Again, thank you for reading. If you like it take the time to review, if you don't like it tell me what I can do to make you happy. I just want you to be happy! Let me make you happy!


	4. Aimlessly Alive

The first thing Dean did when he entered Chuck Shurley’s classroom was take a deep breath, inhaling the smell of old books and coffee. A scent that he associated with nights spent at Bobby’s musty, comfortable house on the outskirts of town where he and Sam could do their homework in peace away from their father and the sparse impartialness of their apartment. The cozy classroom was lined with bookshelves filled with precariously perched books, the walls covered in literary posters and Chuck’s coffee maker was burbling cheerfully from the corner behind his desk. 

The teacher looked up at him from the typewriter he was busily working at as he walked in and gave Dean a small, sincere smile. “Sit wherever you want, Dean. Same drill as last year.”

Dean nodded back at the bedraggled man in acknowledgement and moved to sit in one of the desks that were arranged in pairs haphazardly around the room. He pulled a spiral notebook out from his battered navy backpack and watched with mild interest as Chuck wrestled an ancient looking projector from the corner of the room, its rusted wheels squealing loudly in protest causing the scattered students to cringe.

Chuck then moved back to his desk and removed a small flask from one of the drawers, taking a long drink that he didn’t bother trying to hide from his charges. These were the advanced students after all, it’s not like they were stupid. 

It was then that Dean noticed Castiel enter the room, the agitated look the boy was wearing morphed into wide-eyed shock as Chuck unceremoniously poured a large splash of alcohol into one of the many coffee mugs hidden amongst the papers on his desk. It was a widely known fact to the rest of the student body that Chuck had to be sober to write, but buzzed to teach. Otherwise the instructor would stammer and stutter his way through every lesson. Dean thought the teacher was amazing, if a little strange.

“Cas!” Dean called waving the scandalized looking boy over to the empty seat beside him. “I saved you a seat, man.”

Castiel moved to take the seat cautiously, confusion causing a crease to form between his eyebrows. “Cas?”

“Oh, I just thought…” Dean said his smile faltering as his voice trailed off lamely. He flipped to a blank page in his spiral to have something to do with his hands. 

“Thought what?” Castiel asked curiously, tilting his head slightly. 

“I, uh thought that your name was a bit of a mouthful.” He replied smiling at his partner sheepishly. “The rest of us have one syllable names. Y’know. Jo, Ash, Garth, Dean. My little brother is named Sam. I guess I didn’t realize that we did that until now.”

Castiel seemed to consider this information for a moment before giving Dean a serious, approving nod. “I like it. Castiel is so serious sounding; I was named for the Angel of Thursday. My brother, Gabriel, calls me Cassie.” 

The boy shuddered in revulsion and Dean couldn’t help but smile at the small admission he had managed to get from his so far reticent classmate, of course this otherworldly person was named after an angel. 

“Gabriel?” He asked, thinking of the small, eccentric man that Sam had been going all schoolgirl over earlier that morning. “Drives a big, red Caddie? Kind of…flamboyant?”

“I apologize for anything he might have done. I wish I could say he was adopted, but unfortunately that is not the case.” 

Dean laughed at Cas’s ominous tone and clapped him lightly on the back noticing how the smaller boy stiffened slightly at the contact, “Nah, he was alright. I think he was in one of my little brother’s classes or something this summer. Sam had all these wild stories about this guy who kept pranking their teacher.”

“That sounds like Gabe,” Castiel had a small smile curing up the corners of his mouth. “He likes to play tricks on people. It used to make our father furious.”

Castiel stopped suddenly and his face twisted in pain before smoothing back into the mask that been the first thing Dean noticed in homeroom that morning. It made his face look robotic and the boy’s eyes became distant, the sparkling blue that Dean had been looking into becoming dull and cloudy. “How are your classes going so far?” 

Dean was confused by the sudden subject change, but just gave a noncommittal shrug. He was probably going to have to get some help in Algebra and Spanish was still as confusing as it always had been, but he figured the rest of the day would be a breeze after lunch. 

Chuck cleared his throat at the front of the room, getting the attention of the quietly chattering students. He held his extra Irish coffee in one hand and a transparency in the other as he moved to turn off the lights at the switch near the doorway. The projector sputtered to life with a wheezing whir and Chuck centered it on the whiteboard at the front of the room placing the transparency gently, causing the poem on the sheet to be magnified for the class. 

“Shakespeare,” the teacher began, running a palm over the stubble on his cheeks and jaw in a nervous way. “We’ll be starting this year with his sonnets and plays before moving on to contemporary fiction. Around graduation you’ll work in pairs to complete an original short story. I hope you all sat next to someone you like because otherwise it’s going to be a crappy year.”

Dean glanced at Castiel out of the corner of his eye, the boy’s features cast into sharp relief in the half-light caused by the glowing projector. The guy seemed nice enough, a little uptight, but Dean figured he would be tense too if he were starting a new school. And he could have done worse; Cas had gotten there just in time to keep Becky Rosen from pouncing on him. Even now she was looking back at him with hungry eyes and Dean silently thanked Jo for not picking a weirdo to adopt this time. Castiel chose that moment to turn towards Dean, he now realized he had been staring at the boy for almost a minute, lost in thought and he quickly turned his attention back to Chuck.

“Today is easy. Put both your names on a piece of paper and then each of your needs to write one word that describes how this sonnet makes you feel. After you finish, you can do whatever. If you stay, stay quietly or you can cut out early to go to lunch. I don’t really care. Leave your papers in a pile on my desk when you leave.”

Dean read the poem through quickly,

_When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,_  
I all alone beweep my outcast state  
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries  
And look upon myself and curse my fate,  
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,  
Featured like him, like him with friends possess'd,  
Desiring this man's art and that man's scope,  
With what I most enjoy contented least;  
Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,  
Haply I think on thee, and then my state,  
Like to the lark at break of day arising  
From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;  
For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings  
That then I scorn to change my state with kings. 

_Whatever the hell that means,_ he thought scribbling his name and answer on a piece of notebook paper, ripping it noisily of his spiral and passing it to the boy next to him. 

Castiel’s eyes were still fixated on the poem, but a soft smile was playing on his lips as he mouthed the words to himself. Dean couldn’t help but fidget self-consciously when Cas finally looked down at the paper, the smile disappearing from his face as he read Dean’s answer, ‘lonely’. The boy looked up at Dean and the mask had once again disappeared, but this time Dean thought he saw something like sadness softening the features. Cas’s pen hovered over the page as he searched Dean’s face in the dark before he slowly wrote his own name in precise script, hesitating for just a moment before he wrote, ‘hopeful’.

Cas then stood and moved quickly to place the paper on the corner of Chuck’s desk before returning to his seat and slipping headphones in his ears. 

Dean briefly considered bailing and going ahead to the cafeteria, but it’s not like anyone else was going to be there yet and he was just going to end up sitting at their table by himself if he left. Plus, Castiel’s response to the sonnet confused him. That poem seemed pretty damn bleak to Dean or maybe he just didn’t get it. He looked over at his tablemate who had started doodling idly on the cover of his notebook and Dean quickly scribbled a message onto the blank page of his spiral before sliding it over to bump against the hand that Cas had splayed over his iPod that was on the desk between them. 

_Bored?_

Cas flinched, startled by the contact and his eyes skimmed over the page before he looked up at Dean with the curious tilt to his head that Dean was beginning to associate with the boy. He pulled the notebook closer and scrawled a response, his handwriting messier when he wasn’t taking care to make it legible. Dean had trouble making it out in the dim light of the room.

_Not at all._

_Oh, what are you listening to?_

Castiel didn’t reply to this in writing, instead he just ran a finger over the controls of his iPod until the screen lit up and he tilted it towards Dean so he could read it. Dean read the name of the artist and shook his head slightly indicating to the boy that he wasn’t familiar with it.  
Cas rolled his eyes and smiled at Dean widely, pulling the headphone from his right ear and offering it to him. Dean took it gently and slipped it into his own ear, moving closer to the boy so that the chord connecting them was slack. 

Cas started the song over and Dean listened closely, frowning slightly in concentration at the opening chords of the slow song began and a low female voice began singing soulfully,

__**I’ve got affection to criticize, monogamy to abhor  
** A cold heart and an altered state of mind  
And, baby you’re just what I’m looking for  
‘Cause we’ll go to sleep when we’re dead  
And I’ll quit when I’m 25  
But now I’m feeling indestructible  
Aimlessly alive 

It was not what Dean was used to. He preferred classic rock that he often played at ear splitting levels as he cruised around in the Impala or was working in Bobby’s garage. Sam called it cock rock and tried to change the station to NPR when he thought Dean wasn’t noticing. And it really wasn’t what he had been expecting Castiel to be listening to, he seemed more like a blues kind of guy with his deep, smokey baritone and serious demeanor, but if blues had a modern counterpart then Dean figured that maybe this could be it. 

He looked back at Cas to see the boy staring at him intently, waiting for Dean’s verdict on what he was hearing. Dean made the universal face for ‘not bad’, shrugging indifferently and holding out a hand that he flipped back and forth for a moment. 

_What kind of music to you like?_ Castiel scribbled quickly on the page, veering off of the lines at an angle

Dean thought for a moment before replying, _Classic rock. AC/DC, Zepplin, Metallica. Stuff like that._

Cas held up a hand, palm out and nodded excitedly, his slim fingers moving with lightning speed over the controls of the device between them. A new song started, this time with acoustic guitars and a male voice singing. 

Dean looked up surprised at Castiel as he realized that he was hearing a cover of Led Zepplin’s ‘Ramble On’. Cas had a smug look on his face and Dean gave him another clap on the back, his arm sliding down to rest amicably on the back of his friend’s seat. He listened to the whole song, shutting his eyes and taking in how the familiar song was transformed by the people performing it. 

The bell sounded sharply drawing Dean out of his revere, he pulled the ear bud out of his ear and shut his spiral before slipping it back into his bag. He clambered to his feet, stretching his arms over his head as he waited for Castiel to gather his things so they could meet Jo in the cafeteria. Castiel looked at him strangely and slowly stood, moving towards the door of the classroom behind the rest of the students.

“You do not have to wait on me, Dean.” The boy said cautiously. Dean noticed that the disinterested expression that Cas usually wore hadn’t returned, replaced instead by something resembling anxiety.

“Why wouldn’t I wait on you?” he replied as they made it out into the crush of the hallway, the small space was tightly packed full of other students heading towards the cafeteria at the back of the school. “Jo will kill me if I ditch you.”

“Probably not,” he heard the frowning boy reply softly. 

He slung an arm around Castiel’s shoulders, pulling him to the side to avoid a large group of girls who were chatting in the middle of the hallway. “Don’t worry, she’s not really as intense as she seems. She just likes to be helpful; she gets it from her mom.” 

Cas gave him an unconvinced look and stepped away from him as they entered the cafeteria, moving towards the line to get his food. “Either way, I think it would be better if I sat somewhere else today. Enjoy your lunch, Dean.” 

And then he was gone and Dean was left staring at the space where he had slipped into the tide of moving bodies. 

_Goddamnit, Jo._ He thought gritting his teeth and searching over the tables for his friends, spotting Garth’s lanky form as he sat at a table in the far corner of the room.

**0000000000**

Castiel moved through the lunch line robotically, deliberately keeping his distance from the students around him in order to avoid accidental contact. He was extremely conscious of body language since leaving Lake Forrest. Before everything happened, Castiel had been very affectionate, showering his friends and family with small touches and smiles that he felt he could say so much with when his words failed him. But since leaving the hospital he felt like he couldn’t stand to have another person’s hands on him. 

He studied facial expressions for deceit, every muscle twitch just affirming to him that people were liar, lieing, liars. A forehead creased in concerned could be just as dishonest as a lie spoken out loud and a hug could be just as suffocating as hands wrapped around your throat. It had taken him all summer to become accustomed to the spontaneous embraces of Gabriel and the small, comforting brushes of Anna’s hand on his arm when she woke him from a nightmare. 

His therapist, Rachel, had been ‘pleased with his progress’ when he shook her hand at the end of one of their sessions several weeks earlier and he lied to her face easily when he said that he was too. Not to say that he hadn’t made progress. He could now initiate contact with other people without hyperventilating and the small brushes of his fingers against another person’s was usually more than enough to subdue the cravings that his hormonal teenage body had for closer contact. 

He could still feel the warm, solid weight of Dean’s arm as it had draped across the back of his seat and then pulled him flush against his side as they had traversed the crowded hallway. The contact had surprised him at first, but then made him strangely at ease, relaxed in his own skin for the first time in months. The smell of motor oil, cedar, and spice that had invaded his senses as they had sat shoulder to shoulder in the darkened classroom was still competing for space in his mind against the newer smells of the various foods in the cafeteria. 

Castiel placed a burger and some fries on his tray, grabbing the side of veggies and the condiments he wanted as he passed the cold food bar that was separated from the hot entrees, closer to the register at the end of the line. He chose a couple bottles of water and a piece of cherry pie to finish his meal and paid quickly moving towards the doors at the end of the cafeteria. He hoped it led to outdoor seating and some peace away from the roar of students trying to talk over each other in the lunchroom.

He saw someone waving at him out of the corner of his eye as he pushed the door open with his hip, balancing the tray on one hand and adjusting the strap of his messenger bag with the other. It was Garth waving wildly at him from a table in the corner and Castiel hurried through the door, out into the harsh sunlight before the rest of the table noticed his presence. 

He found himself in a small courtyard with several wood tables and benches. There were a couple of other students sitting together far away from the building and Castiel could smell the smoke of their cigarettes as it wafted towards him on the breeze. He chose a table situated under the shade of a large oak tree and sighed contentedly as he sat down with his back towards the school. He was lost in thought, considering asking in the office who the ROTC sponsor was and tossing pieces of french fry at the small birds who were watching him curiously from the tree when a small warm hand landed on his shoulder.

Jo hoisted herself ungracefully over the bench and settled next to Castiel, Ash taking the seat beside her and Dean and Garth sitting across from Cas and Jo on the other side. 

“You’ll have to try harder than that, darlin’” she said amicably, pulling two brown paper bags out of her backpack and tossing one to Dean. “Mom made meatloaf sandwiches.”

“Sweet!” Dean replied happily, unwrapping the sandwich and taking a large bite, his cheeks puffing out as he smiled at Castiel. 

Castiel looked around the table confused, hoping someone would provide him with an explanation. Ash was engrossed in his phone, munching on a bag of Doritos, the condensation from his Mountain Dew darkening the wood of the table and Garth just gave him a goofy grin before diving into the lasagna that he had gotten out of the cafeteria. 

“What do you guys think of Milligan?” Jo asked suddenly, looking around at the table.

“Adam Milligan?” Garth sputtered choking on his lasagna slightly and giving Dean a startled look. 

“Little young for you, isn’t he Jo?” Ash drawled, not looking up from his phone.

“He’s a sophomore. That’s not that bad.”

Dean shrugged and reached out a hesitant hand towards Castiel’s unopened bottle of water that was sitting on his tray. “You mind if I have this?”Castiel shrugged mutely in reply, still struggling to catch up to what was going on around him. “You could do worse, Jo. Kid is on the baseball team and he’s pretty good. I think he does ROTC also. You do that, right Cas?”

Castiel jumped at the direct question and Jo giggled at his reaction. “I have not decided yet. I do not even know who the teacher that sponsors it is.”

“Oh, that’s Virgil Sanz,” Garth piped in helpfully. “The Spanish teacher, dude used to be in the Marines or something. Scary stuff.” 

“Oh my god, you should join!” Jo squealed, flapping her hands at him excitedly. “Then you can totally talk me up to Adam!”

“I do not understand.” He replied. This conversation was moving really fast. Where had these people even come from? 

“Jo wants you to tell Adam how pretty and smart she is so she can make out with him.” Ash supplied from the end of the table.

Jo nodded enthusiastically and Cas noticed that Garth had a rather stricken look on his face. He looked at Dean in askance; the boy was just staring at him with those bottomless green eyes, an unreadable expression on his face. The breath caught in Castiel’s chest as the sunlight coming through the tree’s branches cast dancing shadows on the face before him, causing the lighter strands in Dean’s brown hair to glitter in a way that made him want to run his fingers through the short strands. 

_Just because he is not with Jo, doesn’t mean he’s a filthy fag like you._ Castiel pushed the voice aside, licking his lips which had suddenly become very dry. He turned his gaze onto Jo who was looking at him with a small smile on her face. 

“You should come to movie night tonight and we can strategize. I can’t go to my own birthday party without a date.” 

“I can’t,” Castiel replied in a small voice, a part of him wondering why exactly he couldn’t. His reasons for avoiding these people were becoming hard to remember and he needed to get back in control of the situation. “I am busy.”

Jo frowned at the lame excuse and flipped her hair behind her shoulder. “Okay, but keep your Wednesdays free from now on. You’re picking the movie next week.”

Castile felt himself smiling at the girl beside him, his reasons for snapping at her earlier feeling trite and petty. He cast his gaze over the rest of the table, stopping finally on Dean who was still looking at him with amusement in eyes as he nodded seriously at Castiel. “I cannot watch The Notebook again, man. You’ve got to save me, Cas.”

“Ok,” he replied simply. He could almost feel the Black Widow’s disapproval when his mask slipped away forgotten as he continued eating his lunch, content to simply listen to the conversation going on around him.

**00000000**

The rest of the day passed quickly. History was as laughably easy as it always was, Jo and Dean taught Cas how to play B.S. in study hall. The librarian had looked at them disapprovingly when they had dissolved into laughter the first time the new student had yelled ‘bullshit!’ at the top of his lungs ending up with a handful of cards for his enthusiasm. Algebra was painful, but Dean knew Sam liked that kind of junk so he tried not to worry about it too much.

Dean’s last class of the day was Gym with the other senior boys and he sat with Ash, Garth, and Castiel in the middle of the bleachers as their teacher, a large , heavily muscled man with ebony skin and a bald head explained the safety rules and pointed out the various equipment situated around the cavernous space. 

“The cardio machines and free weights are upstairs,” Uriel Wisdom said gesturing to the balcony that overlooked the basketball court and bleachers where the students were sitting. He motioned towards a door that was recessed into the wall at one end of the court. “Those are the locker rooms, pick a one and put your stuff in it. Now you can all go grab a set of gym clothes and then you have free time for the rest of the day.”

There was a table set up at the end of the room that had boxes of grey t-shirts emblazoned with ‘Lawrence High School” and basketball shorts stamped with a white insignia of the school mascot, a roaring lion, on one leg and the group of boys ambled over to it to grab their gear. Dean led his friends into the locker room and the group found empty lockers in the corner, changing quickly into their gym clothes. 

Dean noticed that Castiel looked uncomfortably around the room at the rest of his classmates who were in various states of undress. The boy clutched his clothes to his chest and quickly moved to the stalls around the corner from the main locker room area and shut himself inside of one of them, emerging a couple of minutes later blushing furiously and plucking at the front of his shirt awkwardly as he dumped his clothes in his chosen locker.

“We were thinking of playing basketball.” Dean said putting a hand on the smaller man’s arm, trying to comfort some of the unease that the boy obviously felt. “Two on two.”

“I was going to check out the treadmills, actually.” Castiel said moving away from Dean, not looking at the boy who was still sitting shirtless on the benches that were in front of the lockers, exchanging his boots for worn tennis shoes. 

Dean looked at the remaining two boys in askance as Castiel quickly left the locker room and Ash simply shrugged at him in return. The three friends played knock-out for the remainder of the period and Dean could see Castiel on the balcony running with loping strides, continuing even when the bell rang and Dean returned to the locker room to get ready for the first football practice of the season. 

“Well if it isn’t the white knight,” A hissing, nasally voice said as he was pulling his practice jersey over his head. Dean turned to see Alistair entering the locker room followed closely by Azazel and a couple of the other more moronic football players that he had once spent a majority of his time with. 

The group moved to stand in a semi-circle around Dean, cutting off his exit and Alistair stepped forward menacingly, towering over the shorter boy by several inches. Dean could still remember the moment when he had stopped valuing what the opinion these idiots had of him. 

_It had been after a particularly debauched night of drinking at a club in Kansas City that didn’t bother to check IDs too closely. The atmosphere was oppressive, all heat and smoke and sex. The bodies grinding on the dance floor looked disjointed as the lighting strobed and pulsed around them. Dean untangled himself from a very pretty red head, promising her he would be back with a wink before making his way towards the bathrooms at the back of the club._

_He heard the crying, soft gasping sounds that were barely audible over the loud music that was blaring out of the sound system, before he saw Alistair. His back was to Dean and he was leaning heavily over a small blonde girl in a revealing red dress, her mascara making stark rivulets against her pale skin as it ran in streaks down her face._

_Alistair was murmuring something to the girl in a soft voice that sounded vaguely comforting, but Dean could see that the tall, lanky boy had his hand knotted harshly in the girl’s loose hair and was forcing her head up to look at him as he spoke. He moved without really thinking, the alcohol making everything seem far away, putting a rough hand on his teammate’s shoulder and spinning him around until he was pressed against the wall. The girl looked at Dean with wide, scared eyes and he remembered telling her to go and find her friends._

_“What are you doing, Winchester?!” Alistair had spat at him angrily, struggling to throw the heavier boy off of him._

_“You were hurting that girl,” Dean had managed to choke out thickly, the bile rising in his throat as he thought of what might have happened if he had not walked up._

_Alistair scoffed and relaxed in a self-assured way against the wall, “That bitch, was asking for it.”_

_Dean could only think of how much the girl had looked like Jo, like someone who trusted too easily and still smiled at strangers because the world wasn’t full of darkness and bad things only happened in movies that still ended in happily ever after. Sweet, little Jo who made him cupcakes for his birthday and called him out on his bullshit when he acted like a jerk. He saw red._

_He came to his senses when he was pulled off of Alistair by Azazel and another boy on the team who had come out with them. The taller boy was slumped on the floor, bleeding heavily from his mouth and one of his eyes was starting to swell shut. Dean looked down at his split knuckles and shook off the hands that were holding him. Some of the other boys tried to ask him what happened, but he could only shake his head, images of John on really bad nights filling his mind._

_He had run away from Alistair’s sprawled form and driven far enough away from the club until he felt safe enough to sleep off the rest of the alcohol in his system, waking up parked at an abandoned gas station to a missed call from Esper telling him that Azazel was looking for him and that he should probably lay low for a while. Ellen had let him into the house, only asking him if he had eaten breakfast yet and bandaging his knuckles with practiced hands._

“Move,” Dean said now, running a tired hand over his face. He just wanted to get practice over with and then veg out on Garth’s couch with some pizza. 

He couldn’t say that he was surprised that Alistair was messing with him, Dean had tried to avoid the boy all summer and baring one very tense party that they had both been at, he had managed to keep from getting jumped by the boy and his old friends. He had never tried to explain his actions to them, not really understanding it himself, and he knew that Alistair had probably come up with a creative story making himself seem victimized enough to get a majority of the team on his side. The door to the locker room opened suddenly and a very sweaty, satisfied looking Castiel walked in, stopping quickly as he took in the sight of Dean pinned against the lockers, clearly outnumbered.

“Dean?” he asked his gaze flickering to the trapped boy for a moment before he took a defiant step towards the group of boys, fists clenching at his sides. 

“Isn’t that sweet?” Azazel said mockingly, causing the other boys to laugh. “Looks like you’ve got a fanclub, Deannie.”

Dean gritted his teeth and silently screamed at Castiel to run, go get someone, leave. Do anything but stand there and stare down the pack of overly-muscled boys who would not think twice about kicking his ass, new student or not.

Coach Wisdom walked it clapping his hands loudly to get the attention of the room. “Let’s go boys. Practice in fifteen, anyone late is doing laps.” 

The boys quickly dispersed, Alistair giving Dean a murderous look before roughly pushing past Castiel who had moved to stand protectively next to his new friend and storming over to his own locker on the other side of the room. 

Dean let out a shaky breath and glanced at Cas who was still glaring at the back of Alistair’s head, his jaw clenched and knuckles going white from the effort of keeping his fists at his sides. Dean reached out and put a hand on his friend, shaking the boy lightly until he looked at Dean and his jaw unclenched. Cas tilted his head and forced a half-hearted smile onto his face before he turned to grab his clothes from his locker and went back into the stall he had used earlier to change. 

Dean waited for him to come out so that they could talk about what had happened, the locker room emptying out around him. He let a couple minutes pass before he went reluctantly to go join the rest of his team. Castiel still hadn’t emerged when he left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it seems like I'm picking on Becky Rosen, but Emily Perkins is actually one of my favorite actresses (go see Gingersnaps and try to have a different opinion). The sonnet is Shakespeare's 29th and the lyrics used are from P.S. Eliot's 'Tennessee' which is a really great song and for me it sorta sums up how Cas feels when he looks at Dean and where his mind is at this point in the story. I swear things are going to start picking up here pretty quickly if you think they are moving too slow.
> 
> As always reviews are appreciated, so let me know what you're thinking. I can't read your thoughts y'know.


	5. The Weekenders

Castiel sat in the plush armchair, drumming his fingers on his leg in an absentminded way. He considered going around the desk in front of him and checking to see if the file cabinets next to the window were locked, but he knew that Rachel wasn't dumb enough to leave him alone with access to his records. She didn't have a computer, probably for the same reason, and her desk was rather sparse, covered with only well-organized office supplies, an intercom phone that connected to the receptionist in the front office, and the small yellow legal pad that she took notes in shorthand on during their sessions.

She had realized that he was reading her observations on him after their third session when he objected to her supposition that his uneasiness with others touching him was a result of possible sexual abuse at the hands of a family member. There had been abuse, he knew that she knew that, she had his medical records and the police reports. But Castiel knew enough about Psychology to know that every waitress with a master's degree thought that homosexuality was caused by horrible things happening in a person's childhood.

And since she knew that his preference in partners tended to be more on the masculine side (again the police had been very thorough despite how much they may have agreed with what had been done do him, they still had jobs to do), of course that meant that he had to have an uncle that touched him. Yeah, that had to be the reason he didn't like being too close to other people, not y'know the massively huge betrayals he had been through or anything as simple as that. Rachel had started writing in shorthand after that in order to keep him from 'compromising his treatment' she said.

Ten minutes had passed since he had been ushered into the therapist's office which was painted in muted earth tones that were meant to be soothing but weren't and decorated with tasteful, understand artwork that was meant to be abstract, but looked like a third grader's finger painting to Castiel.

He was starting to get worried, though you would never be able to tell that by looking at him. As soon as he and Gabriel had pulled up to the medical park that housed the therapist's office, across town from their own home in the more suburbanized area of Lawrence, he had slipped the mask of apathy he used with the counselor back into place. It made his back hurt and the muscles at the corners of his eyes twitch as he strained to keep the bland expression on his face.

Over the last couple of days, he had been failing to practice keeping his emotions hidden, the smiles coming easier around the small group of high schoolers who had taken him in, despite his habit of lapsing into brooding silences when they told carefree stories of their shared childhoods together or abruptly abandoning conversations altogether when the subject turned towards himself or his family. He was trying desperately to keep all conversations off of himself because if they knew his past then the fragile camaraderie he was forming would be tainted by pity and disgust. Pity for his family that had been ripped apart by his own selfish desires and disgust that he had been to cowardly too accept the consequences of his follies without messing it up like everything else he touched.

There was forty minutes left of his allotted hour when Rachel walked into the room, wearing a well-tailored suit and jacket ensemble and looking entirely too satisfied with herself. She sat primly at her desk and started writing quickly on the legal pad, filling page after page with her short hand script that Castiel wished he could read. She wrote for approximately ten minutes, Castiel's heart dropping heavier and heavier in his chest with every passing moment, before she looked up at him with a small smile tugging at her lips.

"How is school going, Castiel?" The therapist asked conversationally and Cas used every curse word he knew to damn his older brother to hell for being so caring and concerned.

He should have known better really. Coming home from school over the last couple of days, Castiel had been too happy, excluding the first day of school when he had slunk home quietly choosing to walk the few miles home instead of calling Gabriel to come and get him since he had missed the bus he was supposed to be on with Anna.

He had kept the panic attack he felt coming on in the small stall in the locker room at bay until he was sure that Dean had left, breathing shallowly to keep from drawing in the wheezing gasps his body screamed for to ease his constricted lungs. Once he was certain he was alone he had been racked by sobs, the hot tears burning his faces as they flowed freely, dropping off is cheeks to fall inaudibly on the tile floors.

The memories of his father watching as Raphael spat insults at him using the righteous words of a God who Castiel had always secretly thought reviled him to break down his meager defenses, flooded through his mind and caused his knees to buckle, bruises from the impact showing in the shower later as he scrubbed his skin raw to erase the phantom feelings of Daniel's deceiving caresses from his skin.

The next morning, Dean had tried to explain away his confrontation with his teammates using the same message passing that they had used to communicate the day before, but Cas managed to artfully steer the conversation back towards the other boy's taste in music and playing him things he thought he would like. Luckily Chuck had kept them busy mapping out the basic form of a sonnet and then going off on a tangent about why iambic pentameter was the most cliché form of writing and how William Shakespeare was a hack.

Despite his unwillingness to talk about anything more personal than his preference in pizza toppings, a discussion that began as a heated debate at lunch on Thursday and ended that afternoon in the gym when Ash had a large pepperoni and pineapple pizza delivered to the school in Coach Uriel's name, forcing the other four to try a piece with threats that he would troll their social network accounts if they didn't (though Cas hadn't understood what trolling was and he had deleted his Facebook shortly after leaving Lake Forrest he still felt suitably coerced enough to eat two slices), he had come home the last two days in an substantially more cheerful mood than usual.

On their way to his standing Friday therapy appoint with Rachel, Gabriel had taken Castiel's singing along softly with Lady Gaga on the radio as a sure sign that something was different with his younger brother. "What's got you so chipper, Cassie-bear?"

Castiel had just smiled ruefully at his older brother and given him a shrug that spoke volumes to Gabriel about the improved state of the boy's demeanor. He pushed, knowing it was the only way to get Cas to talk, he turned the radio down slightly and poked his brother in that ticklish spot on his ribs. "Spill, baby brother."

Castiel squirmed away from the touch, chuckling softly and started talking to his older brother as they passed through the area of town close to the college that was buzzing with students, but had the diner that they always went to after his appointments. The words poured out of him in a jumbled mess, the stories tangling together and confusing Gabriel as the driver tried to follow along while also keeping an eye out for hipster kids on bicycles. He talked about Jo and soft French songs played in the background of Pam's classroom and Garth and mad, brillant Chuck and Dean and pizza and Ash showing him a program to make personal ringtones for the contacts in his phone and Dean and card games that encouraged you to curse and the scary ROTC instructor who had a collection of antique knives in his classroom and Dean, going on and on until they reached the parking lot of Rachel's office.

"Good," he replied coolly to the therapist. He always liked when she asked questions that he could give one word answers to. Yes, No, Good, Bad. It made keeping the mask in place that much easier and if he was lucky he could usually get away with saying less than five or six actual meaningful sentences to her.

Rachel smiled at him brightly, unfazed by his behavior. She had gotten used to it over the past few months of working with Castiel and she knew enough about the boy from her conversations with his siblings and reading his background information that she did not take his desire to keep her out personally. It was normal for someone who had been through what he had been through to have trust issues.

"Your brother tells me you have made some friends," She said, scribbling a quick note at how his jaw clenched slightly as he nodded at her comment. "Why don't you tell me about them?"

"They are just some people from my classes," Castiel replied, taking caution with every word. Knowing that it was going to be picked apart and analyzed to bits before their next session. Speaking of which, "I need to cancel our next session."

He expected Rachel to react to that, get offended, tell him that he still had so much work to do. "Why do we need to do that, Castiel?"

He hated, absolutely hated, when she said his name at the end of every damn sentence. It was probably something they taught in grad school, something to show your patients you cared about them as individuals or some other psychobabble bullshit. He stifled the urge to snatch the legal pad out of her hand and rip it to pieces in her smug, concerned face. "I have joined the ROTC. They march with the band at games on Friday nights."

"Not a problem," she replied, pulling a small leather bound planner out of the drawer of her desk and flipping through the pages with one manicured finger. "We can just reschedule. I have open slots on Wednesdays and Thursdays. Whichever is more convenient for you, Castiel."

He griped his thigh painfully, his blunt nails digging into the black fabric of the dress pants that he had worn with another white button down to school that day. "I have plans on Wednesday. Thursday will work just fine."

He watched as Rachel arched an eyebrow at his response and immediately realized his slip up. Damn, Nick Fury was so going to fire him.

"Plans?" Rachel said in an amused tone. "Are they with the people from your classes, by any chance?"

"No," he lied smoothly, looking at the clock on the wall to his right. Fifteen more minutes, he could do fifteen more minutes.

"Have you been taking your medication, Castiel?"

He thought about lying again, just to see what her reaction would be, but he decided that it was just easier to please the woman. Maybe it would make her drop the subject of his classmates and he could escape without giving her more information that would only prove he was as damaged as everyone thought. "Yes."

"Fantastic!" he knew that would make her happy. Rachel's expression turned suddenly serious and Castiel had a sinking feeling about where this was going. She always pulled this shit when she thought he was making progress. He should have lied to her. "Did Gabriel tell you that your father has been in contact with him?"

Gabriel _had_ tried to tell him about the email their father had sent him at the beginning of the week, but Castiel could imagine the unapologetic, accusing, business-like tone that his father had probably taken in the message. His brother had not tried to stop him when Castiel had slammed out of the house angrily and gone running down the street still clad in the jeans and t-shirt he had been lounging around the living room in.

 _Scared little, Castiel. Running away from his problems again. You can't get away._ Castiel brought a hand up to rub at his temple where he could feel a headache forming and knew that Rachel was watching his movements closely. He didn't care. He couldn't be hearing voices while he was sitting in a freaking shrink's office, she was going to know. She always knew. He could feel his chest tightening and he needed to get out of there.

"Are we done?" Cas asked irritably. The mask was sliding, unable to grip on as he broke out in a sudden sweat. His heart was pounding and the self-preservation part of his mind was screaming that he should run, run, run even though the only things chasing him were inside his head.

Rachel sighed, she could see the visceral reaction he was having at the mention of his father and while it was a counselor's job to gently push their clients to talk about their issues, Castiel was always so close to the edge that a nudge in the wrong direction might cause him to do something rash. "Yes, Castiel. I will see you on Thursday, same time. Remember you have my personal number if you have an emergency."

The boy nodded at her curtly and was out of the office before she could say anything more to him.

* * *

Dean wrestled Sam out of bed early Sunday morning, plopping a box of Lucky Charms down in front of the younger Winchester in lieu of a homemade breakfast. John still had not turned up from the night before, but Dean was not very concerned. Their father had a habit of disappearing for days, sometimes weeks at a time when he managed to find the odd job out of town. Usually it was construction, but sometimes he took jobs painting houses over the summer; jobs that he could get done over the course of the weekend that would get him enough money to keep him in alcohol for a while with some to spare to help Dean pay bills if he was feeling particularly paternal.

The two boys headed over to Bobby's shop soon after breakfast taking the Impala on the scenic route through the parts of town that bordered some of the nicer parks. Dean noticed a small crowd gathered near one of the picnic tables at the entrance of Stonegate Park as they passed and he slowed the car to a crawl wondering if something had happened. Though he hadn't been to the small park too often since Jo had finally, thankfully given up yoga, he still knew it was too early for the gaggle of new moms with toddlers to be out or for a birthday party to be setting up yet.

He stopped the car with a jerk, Sam mumbling in protest from the passenger seat where he had began to doze off again. Dean pulled the car into one of the empty spots at the edge of the park and watched with a small smile alighting on his face as Cas poured some coffee out of one of those travel containers that donut shops sold and handed the cup to a small blue, haired old woman in a vibrant pink track suit. The younger boy was chatting excitedly with the woman as he jumped up to sit on the top of the table he was at, legs swinging in a lighthearted way. Dean noticed he was wearing basketball shorts and a sweat soaked blue t-shirt, looking like he had just finished a lengthy run.

"I'll be right back, Sammy," Dean said quickly, hopping out of the car and heading towards the smaller boy.

Castiel looked up at his approach, the smile he was wearing widening noticeably when he saw Dean. Dean felt his stomach clench as he took in the carefree expression on his friend's face, looking more content than he had yet seen the boy even though his dark hair was plastered to his forehead with sweat and he must have had to get up at the ass end of night to go running and pick up coffee for the Golden Girls. Despite the thick stubble dusting the boy's jaw and the dark circles under his eyes, his skin was flushed with his recent exercise and the color on his cheeks made his cerulean eyes look especially bright in contrast.

The older woman Cas had been talking to looked back and forth between the two boys who had yet to say anything to each other. They were each gazing at the other with mirroring smiles on their faces, and she was reminded fondly of her grandson's wedding pictures he had sent her recently. She patted Castiel gently on the knee and excused herself, moving to join several other morning walkers standing clustered farther into the park.

"Hello, Dean." Castiel said, breaking the silence.

"Hey, Cas." Dean replied, feeling suddenly very self conscious in the ripped jeans and dingy grey shirt he wore to work which was ridiculous because Castiel looked like he had just ran through a rainstorm and could the soft morning light be making his eyes look any damn bluer. The milk in his cereal must have turned because his stomach just wouldn't stop rolling and he really regretted having that second bowl of Lucky Charms, but he had called dibs and letting Sam have the last bowl again was just out of the question. "I'm….uh. Sam and I are going to help out at our uncle's garage."

Castiel cast a searching glance over the other boy's shoulder and Dean turned to see Sam standing at the open door of the Impala, shielding his eyes with one hand to make out who his brother had stopped so suddenly for. A small smile played on Cas's face as he slid his eyes back to Dean, "And you just decided to stop at a park on your way to work?"

"No." Dean said his mouth going dry as he fumbled for a reason he could give for stopping. Something beyond simply wanting to talk to Cas, wanting to feel that wide, unrestrained smile turned on him after the awkward tension that had been underlying their interactions since Wednesday afternoon. "Ash! We're going swimming at Ash's house later. Around 2. None of us have your number so I figured when I saw you I'd ask if you wanted to go."

The smile changed, turning mischievous and Dean struggled to keep from moving closer to the other boy. "Are you asking for my number, Dean?"

Dean blinked in surprise. He wasn't used to this side of Cas who was now leaning back on his hands on the table, his slim runner's body stretched out like a contented cat in the sunlight filtering through the morning clouds. "No. I..I mean, yes? I'll, uh, pass it on to everyone that way you know when we're planning stuff."

Castiel laughed, like really laughed at that. Not the reserved chuckles that slipped out of the boy unbidden when the rest of them were cracking up over something stupid. This was the kind of laugh that made crinkles form at the corners of Cas's eyes and caused Dean's breath to hitch unexpectedly in his throat; the rich, trebly sound made him feel like he had just ran the fastest mile, leaving his legs weak. God, maybe he had food poisoning or something. He was really feeling off today.

Dean pulled his mobile out of his pocket and handed it to Castiel, hoping the boy wouldn't make fun of him for his outdated flip phone. Castiel simply eyed the device with a raised eyebrow before taking it and swiftly entering his information. Dean watched him feeling increasingly uncomfortable, this felt too… something, he wasn't sure what. Too normal, maybe? Letting Cas tease him with confident gestures and that tilting thing he did with his head, like he was letting Dean in on some secret joke that he hadn't known they shared.

Castiel handed the phone back to him, his finger's brushing Dean's slightly. "Unfortunately, I have plans with my siblings today so I cannot join you."

Dean tried to not let his disappointment show on his features as he pocketed his phone. "Oh, well another time then."

The other boy nodded at him, leaning back on his arms again and studying the rugged face before him. Dean glanced back at Sam who was now scowling at him in a frustrated way and decided that he had probably lingered for long enough.

"I've gotta run, Cas. But I'll see you later. 'Kay?"

Castiel gave him a slight nod and Dean had to tear his eyes away from the small coy smile that was on the boy's face before he could jog back over to Sam and the Impala. They were now running late to Bobby's and as they peeled out of the parking lot Dean saw the group of chattering old ladies move back over to where Cas was sitting, watching the Impala as it left the parking lot.

Bobby only complained slightly when the boys finally showed up at his shop and Dean was thankful that the older man seemed to have gotten a couple of cups of coffee in him before they got there. Sundays were notoriously slow and Bobby had put Dean and Sam to the task of detailing cars that would be picked up by their owners throughout the next week. It was fairly mindless and while Sam was busy _not_ working on cars (he spent the morning sitting on a nearby workbench texting on his phone and giggling like a freaking girl) Dean still had plenty of brain matter left idle to get lost in his own head as he polished and vacuumed. Analyzing every aspect of his encounter with Cas from that morning over and over in his head.

He didn't feel sick anymore so maybe it was some weird bout of stress-induced acid reflux or something like that. Dean didn't know what it was, but Cas had been acting weird too. Not bad weird, just like different. He had seemed more relaxed in the park like he was in his element maybe that was why he liked eating lunch outside even though it was so damn hot. And he looked different too, Dean had seen him in t-shirts and stuff in gym, but those were baggy and the button downs the boy had worn the last couple of days at school hadn't hinted at the lean, muscular build that he had seen under the form-fitting blue shirt Cas had been wearing.

The kid definitely needed to ditch the button downs, they weren't doing him any favors. Dean figured with the right threads he and Cas could be real ladykillers down at that bar by U of K. And the boy would probably make a better wingman than Ash, bastard was always snaking girls out from under him by saying their eyes looked like solar flares and swirling neutron gas clouds and shit like that.

Dean dropped Sam off at the public library planning to go back over to Bobby's house for dinner around 6, before heading to Ash's house over in the nicer part of town. His dad was a real estate developer or something, all Dean knew was that the guy had enough money to afford those douchey microbrews, but Ash still drank PBR.

He grabbed his duffel bag containing his swim trunks and a change of clothes out of the trunk of the Impala and headed around to the back of the house through the side gate, knowing from experience that it was the best way to bypass Mrs. Lindberg and whatever knew crazy hobby she had most recently picked up. Last time he ventured through the house Dean had been cornered for twenty minutes while Ash's mom had shown him what macramé was and why it was so adorably practical.

"DEAN'S HERE!" Garth yelled from the deck of the pool as he came around the corner of the house. Garth was clutching a beer can and teetering precariously while he watched Jo lay out a platter full of hotdogs and some bags of chips on the picnic table.

Dean waved at the boy and gave Jo a smile, wondering only slightly where Ash was before he went into the small pool house and changed into his bathing suit. When he emerged he was assaulted with a face full of beer lobbed at him from a water gun that Ash was still clutching even as he rolled on the ground with laughter.

"Beer soaker," Ash managed to get out in between gasps. "I'm a freakin' genius, dude!"

"Yea, yea." Dean muttered moving over to the pool and sliding into the water, dunking his head under to rinse off the gummy feel of the alcohol on his skin. He paddled over to Jo who had taken up a post on a floating pool chair and leaned his arms on the raft causing water to slosh over the sides and the girl to huff in irritation. "Your mom make that pie for me?

"Ugh. Yea, it's in the house. Just go away, you're getting me all wet."

"Kind of the point of a pool, Jo." Dean replied smirking.

"Whatever, asshole."

The afternoon passed lazily. They ate hotdogs, bickered over what the best flavor of chips were (food arguments were a commonly recurring theme over the many years of their friendship), and cut Garth off after two beers because he was a bit of a lightweight. It was the kind of sunny, summer day you saw promoted in brochures for sleepover camp, but Dean still had the nagging feeling that something was amiss. It was around the time that Garth tipsily tackled Jo into the pool that Dean finally gave in and retrieved his phone from the pocket of his discarded jeans, texting the person he had realized was missing from the revelry.

 **Dean:** Marco!

The reply came a couple of minutes later and Dean laughed when he read it. He could almost picture the other boy's confused frown.

 **Cas:** This is not Marco. I believe you have the wrong number.

 **Dean:** You're supposed to say Polo, Cas.

 **Cas:** Dean?

 **Dean:** Yea. You're missing out. Jo just got dunked in the pool.

 **Cas:** I burn easily.

 **Dean:** It's called sunscreen….

 **Cas:** I am also not a very good swimmer.

 **Dean:** I wouldn't have let you drown.

"Who are you talking to, dude?" Ash asked sidling up to the him, hair dripping onto Dean who was mostly dry causing him to shiver when the cold water hit his bare shoulder.

"Cas," he replied. He didn't see the look Ash gave Jo and he assumed the squeak he heard Jo let out was because Garth had just cannonballed back into the pool with a large splash.

 **Cas:** I am sure your CPR skills leave something to be desired.

Dean smirked and typed without thinking. It was only after pressing 'send' that he realized the other way his message could be read.

 **Dean:** My CPR skills are legendary. You'll see.

He breathed a sigh of relief when Castiel replied. It seemed the boy wasn't very good with innuendo; a lot could be lost when something was said through a text, after all.

 **Cas:** I hope there is never a need for me to receive CPR.

His phone beeped again in his hand as he thought about his reply.

 **Cas:** I have to go. A lady is giving me a very unkind look.

 **Dean:** What are you doing?

 **Cas:** I believe that using one's cell phone in a movie theater is frowned upon. But it's only the previews. She is really overreacting.

 **Dean:** Dude! Get off your phone.

 **Cas:** I would if you would quit making it go off.

 **Dean:** OMG turn it on silent too! Bye!

 **Cas:** Goodbye Dean.

It wasn't until much later that evening that Dean received another message. Bobby's burgers had been excellent as always, if the whole mechanic things stopped working for him Dean thought he could always open a food truck and make a killing. Ellen's apple pie was toasty from the oven and the ice cream was the perfect degree of melty goodness.

They were watching Die Hard, again. The brothers were situated on Bobby's worn couch and the older man was watching Bruce Willis with a fixed determination, practically quoting the movie word for word as Hans Gruber monologued his way towards his famous death scene.

Dean's phone chirped from his pocket and he rushed to silence it as Bobby turned a murderous eye on him.

 **Cas:** I think I would like to visit India.

 **Dean:** ?

 **Cas:** Eat, Pray, Love

 **Dean:** Dude…

 **Cas:** And I would like to try gelato.

 **Dean:** If it goes good with pie, I'm down.

"Put the phone away, ya idgit!" Bobby growled, making an agitated swipe for the flip phone in Dean's hand.

Dean avoided the assault easily enough and sent a message to Cas saying he had to go before he pocketed the phone again. When he crawled into bed that night he was too tired to do more than smirk at the other boy's response, writing off the roiling feeling in his stomach to the ungodly amount of food he had ingested throughout the day.

 **Cas:** It's a date.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's been a shit week and all I want to do is write something happy and silly. My birthday is on Thursday and I'm considering writing something short and fluffy that looks at some other character's POVs but still ties into the story. Let me know if you would like to see something like that and I will post it up as a birthday present to myself on my b-day along with a regular chapter on Friday. As always thanks for reading and let me know what I can do to make the story better.


	6. Let's Go to the Mall

Jo was the one who brought it up almost as soon as Cas finished divesting himself of the bags of leftover donut holes in his backpack and doling them out to his new acquaintances, explaining that the drizzly morning had caused the women he normally brought them for to avoid the park. His blue silk tie was rain-splattered and droplets of water still beaded his hair from where he had jogged into the building, missing his opportunity to share Anna's umbrella because Gabe had kept him in the car to apologize for betraying his confidence to Rachel.

His older brother knew that trust was a big thing for Cas and had felt terrible for going behind his back to the therapist, he didn't want his younger brother to feel like he was just going to hurt him like everyone else had. And Castiel had forgiven Gabe without a second thought, hell he even understood why his brother had told Rachel about the acquaintances he was making at school. Probably would have done the same thing himself if it were either one of his siblings trying so hard to hide something that resembled progress from the person attempting to make them whole again.

It had been a close call to make it to class, but Jo had saved him a seat and he had gladly accepted the cup of coffee and handful of sugar packets that Dean had produced from the pocket of the beat up brown leather jacket he was wearing, hoping the hot beverage would fight off the chill that was setting in his bones as the cold air of the classroom hit his damp clothing.

"Cas," Jo began as she watched him empty a surprisingly hefty amount of the paper packets into his cup. "Why do you always dress like you're interviewing for a job at the Gap?"

"What is wrong with the way I dress? I think I look nice." he asked gesturing to the button down he was wearing paired with a lightweight grey blazer, his tie, and one of his nicer pairs of jeans.

"You do." Dean said taking in his outfit from head to toe with a smirk.

"If you're meaning to look like a yuppie extra from the Social Network then its great, don't change a thing." Ash supplied drily from the seat in front of Jo.

"Don't you have any t-shirts or anything?" she continued, ignoring the other two boys in favor of keeping Castiel from becoming sidetracked by references he didn't understand.

"I have a few. They are what I go jogging and do yard work in and stuff, but I am used to wearing more formal clothes to school. At my old one, we had to wear uniforms so it is nice to be able to wear jeans here."

"Uniforms? That sucks, Cas." Dean said as he made up an answer on the Algebra homework he was supposed to have finished over the weekend.

"You just need some more color or something." Jo said waving her hand abstractedly around in the air. "I'm gonna take you shopping."

"You are?"

"Yes. We'll go afterschool today."

Castiel stuttered a bit at Jo's sudden offer before finding his voice again, "I have an ROTC meeting afterschool today. I will be busy."

"And I have young Democrats and Dean has football and Ash and Garth have zombie survivalist's club. We're all busy, Cas, but we make time to hang out with each other outside of school because we're friends. Do I really have to spell this out for you?"

Castiel tilted his head at the girl and thinned his lips. Jo sighed in frustration and reached out a hand across the aisle to playfully ruffle his hair.

"I want to go shopping with you because we are friends, honey. And when you come over for movie night on Wednesday, Garth's mom will make you a root beer float because that's what she does for her son's friends. Dean will do every oil change your car will ever need forever because it's the only thing he knows how to do for his friends. Ash probably already has you down as medic or something for his stupid apocalypse contingency plan because he is your friend, get it?"

Castiel looked between Ash and Dean, searching for a confirmation from them that Jo wasn't just being overly enthusiastic in her duties as self-appointed head of Lawrence High's welcoming committee. Dean looked up from his homework and flashed a smile in affirmation and Ash muttered something along the lines of, "Medic? Dude's totally the weapons expert."

He felt warmth settle in his chest at their reactions. Castiel had thought that surely he had to have been misinterpreting the gestures of these people who were so kind to him. They were only being nice to him because he was new and pathetic and they would soon get bored of him and abandon him, just like everyone else did. The voices in his head had been giving credence to his fears all weekend, telling him he was worthless and disgusting, and asking why he couldn't have just ended it when he had the chance without fucking that up too. Returning to school on Monday had been a test of wills for Cas because really all he had wanted to do was pull the covers back over his head and block out all the noise noise noise that his life had become.

The boy smiled at Jo and experimentally tousled her hair in return causing her to giggle and bat his hands away. She made it seem so easy and he swallowed lump that had unexpectedly formed in his throat. It was just like messing around with Anna. Castiel chanced a glance at Ash who was watching his interactions with Jo with a smile on his face and then at Dean who was furiously scribbling at his homework and grumbling darkly to himself unconcerned with what was going on around him.

He decided he might be able to admit that the affection he was starting to feel for Ash, Jo, and Garth was something resembling how he felt around his siblings, but what about Dean?

Castiel was pretty sure that you didn't spend your free time ogling your friends. Imagining what it would feel like to hold their hand, how the warm weight of their fingers laced with your own as they leaned over an assignment in Chuck's perpetually dimmed classroom would quite possibly be the most perfect experience ever. Or looking at their lips when they talked or smiled or frowned or hell, did fucking anything that involved that perfect mouth and wondering if the perpetual stubble on Dean's jaw would be just the right about of abrasion to cause him to break out in goose bumps if it brushed again his neck.

Dean glanced up at him suddenly, causing Castiel to jump slightly in his seat as he was snapped out of his thoughts about the other boy that were definitely straying towards more R-rated than brotherly areas. The rational part of him knew it wasn't possible; he had overheard a couple of the stories about Dean's colorful history with the opposite sex; a few of the girls in his Calculus class had been rather loud the week before when they had been talking about their exploits at various parties over the summer. He had snapped a pencil in half on accident when one of them, a curvy, pretty brunette had started going into great detail about how the freckles he thought made Dean look so innocent, weren't just contained to the other boy's face.

In the harsh fluorescent lighting of the classroom, it was easier to feel ashamed about how he had practically thrown himself at Dean at the park. He didn't know where the sudden burst of confidence had come from. He had cried himself to sleep on both Friday and Saturday nights, the inevitable nightmares that often came after his therapy sessions strayed into unwanted areas, of his father and Raphael and innocuous looking pill bottles and ropes that frayed when he touched them painted scarlet pictures in his psyche.

He had jerked himself awake in the early hours of the morning and run off the adrenaline that was pumping through his veins in the park, leaving his muscles trembling and lungs burning painfully. A part of him hated Rachel for bringing up his father when she knew it was the one thing he didn't want to talk about. A smaller part of him knew that she was just doing her job, which was to help him learn to trust others again. But, damnit! Couldn't she just let him do it on his own fucking terms?

Almost as if to prove to his therapist that he was capable of normal human interactions, he had acted like any teenager with a crush would when they saw the boy they liked alone and looking like a Greek god come to life in his ripped jeans that showed tantalizing glimpses of the skin on Dean's thighs and that worn grey t-shirt that was definitely going to make an appearance in some of Cas's more explicit fantasies from now on. He had smiled and flirted and he didn't care how anyone else looked at him or what they might whisper about him behind his back.

And it had felt good. Ordinary even. Dean had made it so easy to feel in control with his adorable stammers and blushes that for a minute there Cas had thought maybe his feelings for the other boy weren't entirely outrageous. But then Dean had gotten suddenly uncomfortable when he had made the joke about asking Cas for his number and the other boy had ran away as fast as his big black car could carry him.

And maybe that was best, he wasn't really in the best mental state to be pursuing a relationship with anyone. Especially when that relationship was with the biggest ladies man he had ever met and it was pretty much doomed from the start. Or at least that's what Castiel had to keep telling himself. So, mostly because he felt like he desperately needed to get out of his own head, but also partially because he was still holding out hope that maybe one day someone could look at him and feel the same kind of want that he felt for his oblivious friend he agreed to meet Jo at her beat up old truck after his ROTC meeting that day and let her take him shopping.

* * *

Virgil Sanz was not the kind of man that you took lightly. He was very passionate about three things, first the Marine Corps, which he staunchly believed was the best branch of the United States military and he had been known to regularly voice his displeasure at the annual faculty Christmas party over the fact that Lawrence High School only offered the Army branch of ROTC training and even then as just an extracurricular activity and not a full-fledged class as it should be. Second was that Spanish should be nationally recognized as the official second language for the country (it was spoken by over 30 million people after all) and anyone who chose to taken Pam Barnes's French class over his own foreign language course had to be slightly touched in the head. Third was that a man took care of his weapons like they were his family; kept them clean, maintained, and safe so that they did not fall into the wrong hands.

He surveyed the students in front of him with a mixture of resignation and mild surprise. Out of the forty six students who had approached him the week before about being part of the ROTC, twenty two had actually shown up for the meeting to discuss the requirements of the 'club' (Virgil shuddered inwardly at having to use the same term as the introverted, acne-ridden boys who made up the Asian's admirers club to describe something that he thought deserved much more respect). Of the twenty two that were at the meeting, the instructor knew from experience that at least three would never show up for another of the required gatherings and that one or more would probably quit the first time they burst into tears after being reprimanded for not pressing their dress slacks or polishing their shoes correctly.

Virgil picked up the stack of slim textbooks on the corner of his desk and moved briskly through the room, depositing a copy in front of each of the students. "These are the handbooks that are to be used while you are enrolled in the ROTC program here at Lawrence High. You will treat them like they are your most prized possession, your Bible if you will. And you will be expected to complete assignments and essays over the material by the due dates I will provide for you."

He stopped in front of Adam Miligan and noticed with some pride that the boy still had his copy of the handbook from the prior year and while it looked like it had been read several times over it still was clean and untorn, indicating that the boy had taken him at his word and treated it with reverence. The sophomore was also sitting with military straight posture and looked unfazed by the anxious whispers coming from most of the other students in the room. In fact, only one other person seemed unconcerned by the amount of work that being a member of an ROTC unit entailed.

Novak. A new student from Illinois who Virgil had discovered through some not exactly school-board approved snooping had left his old school on rather dubious terms, but had been awarded several ribbons after his departure that marked him as a distinguished cadet and an expert marksman. Lord knew they could use more experienced members on their rifle team if they wanted to outshoot those girls at Lawrence Free State so Virgil had decided that he couldn't be too picky when it came to his cadets. Don't ask don't tell seemed to work pretty well for the regular Army, so he figured at least adopting the same policy would make the experience as realistic for his high schoolers as possible.

Virgil moved back to the front of the classroom and stood at military rest until the students sitting before him began to quiet down. "We will meet three times a week after school on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Mondays we will talk about your assigned reading, civics, and leadership. Wednesdays will be for physical training as well as drill and rifle training for those of you who choose to participate in the less academic activities that ROTC offers. Fridays will be inspection day; you will wear your dress uniforms and turn in any assigned work. Those who are on the drill team and color guard will join the band at halftime of all of the football games. You will be expected to keep your grades up and like any other extracurricular, no pass no play will be strictly enforced."

A petite girl with curly brown hair at the back of the classroom raised her hand timidly and the teacher acknowledged her with a sharp nod.

"My brother told me that ROTC did a lot of community service, when will we have time for that, sir?"

"He was right, we do a lot of service projects and each of you will be expected to participate in a minimum of fifty hours of volunteer work each semester. However, you are encouraged to do more. I will be taking suggestions for group services projects we can do after homecoming and most of those will take place on the weekends. Are there any other questions?"

He noticed that some of the students were shifting uncomfortably in their seats, probably already planning how to leave the classroom without offending the stern, ex-Marine. "I'm not going to sugarcoat it. Being in the ROTC is demanding, both physically and of your time. It's not for people who want to party all weekend and it's not for people who are just looking to round out their college admissions applications."

He looked pointedly at Kevin Tran as he said the last part, making sure that the freshman knew that Virgil knew why he was really here. Tran broke the stare first and opened the text book in front of him with shaking hands. The instructor fought to keep the smile off of his face at the boy's reaction even though part of him hoped the kid was in this for the long haul.

"If there are no other questions you are dismissed for today. I want you to read the first chapter of the handbook which outlines the history of ROTC and be prepared to discuss it on Friday. Anyone wishing to take part in the color guard or drill team please speak to me before you leave."

Virgil was unsurprised when Miligan immediately approached him about being on the drill team again this year; he was probably hoping to lead it since he was one of the few returning cadets who had also been on it the year before. The small girl who had asked him about service work (her name was Gilda DuPont) showed an interest in being on the color guard, as did Tran which made the instructor happier than he had expected. He noticed Novak slowly gathering his things as several other students spoke to him and he was glad to have a moment to talk to the boy alone once the others had left.

"Novak," Virgil began stiffly as the cadet approached his desk. "I've heard a lot about you from your old squad leader."

The boy winced at the comment, "I'm sure some of it was less than exemplary, sir."

"There was some information that was…" Virgil searched for the right word, something that wouldn't sound too judgmental. "Disconcerting."

Castiel lowered his eyes and nodded seriously, his shoulders hunching as if he were preparing for a blow. "Sir, I can assure you that I will not be engaging in any behavior that would reflect poorly on you or the ROTC if you give me the opportunity to be a part of your unit. I have learned my lesson."

"I'm glad to hear that, but I have no concerns about your ability to conduct yourself with the appropriate decorum. You seem like you have matured greatly since your discretions and I know from experience that people can change. I would be happy to have you in our unit, cadet."

"Thank you, sir." The boy seemed terribly relieved. Like he had been expecting a much different answer and granted, if this were the actual military he probably would have been court marshaled and discharged. But this was high school, not the battlefield and Virgil was understanding of that fact, despite what he knew was said about him amongst his students.

He cleared his throat and snapped a quick salute at the boy who was once battalion commander of the ROTC at Lake Forrest, something that Virgil felt couldn't just be stripped away, Novak had earned it."I expect to see you at drill practice on Wednesday. Now get out of here, son."

The cadet returned the salute and then quickly turned on his heel and left the room.

* * *

Once inside the cool, circulated air of the mall, Castiel immediately felt overwhelmed by the noise and the advertisements and all of the people who were moving together in a messy jumble, grazing and bumping into each other like mindless fish in an overcrowded tank. It was too much after the calm, discipline of his ROTC meeting and part of him wished it had lasted longer so that he could cancel the shopping trip without looking like a jerk.

He was so focused on making himself as small as possible in order to avoid being jostled by the people around him that he almost didn't notice Jo slipping her small, cool hand into his own clammy palm and tugging him towards one of the less busy stores, a trendy shop that specialized in washed out replicas of vintage t-shirts, pearl snap button downs, and jeans that fit entirely too snugly on the mannequins displayed in the windows.

The lone employee looked up from his perch behind the register where he was reading a book and eyed Jo and Castiel with a bored expression on his face. He told them to ask if they needed any help and then promptly went back to ignoring them. They meandered around the shop; Castiel had no idea where to begin. He had been wearing uniforms since junior high and it had been comforting to have the guesswork knowing what to wear to successfully navigate the social hierarchy of being a teenager taken out of his hands. Luckily, Jo seemed confident in her abilities to personal shop for her new friend and soon she was unceremoniously shoving him into a dressing room with an armful of shirts and pants to try on.

"You need to let me see it before you veto something," She called to the bewildered boy as she settled into a chair near the room and pulled out her phone.

"Yea, yea," she heard Castiel wearily reply from behind the curtain separating them.

When the boy emerged a couple of minutes later Jo couldn't stop herself from gawking. The white button down had been replaced by a black and blue buffalo check shirt and dark jeans that fit the muscles of Cas's legs tighter than any of the other pants she had seen him in yet. Jo smiled roguishly and raised her phone to take a quick picture of the outfit, firing it off in a message to get a second opinion.

"Well?" he asked glancing down nervously at himself and pulling on the hem of the shirt.

"You're a total hottie, Cas!" Jo exclaimed, motioning for him to do a spin.

Castile did a slow turn; he could feel his cheeks heating at the girl's praise, before he slipped back into the dressing room and continued trying on the various articles of clothing Jo had chosen. They decided together that blues and greys and black were what looked best on him since they highlighted his eyes and his pale skin, but he did pick out a burgundy cardigan that Jo hated and special ordered several brightly colored band t-shirts at another store farther down the mall. He worried for a while that Jo was getting bored and decided to buy her a pair of impractical looking high-heeled shoes that he had seen her looking at to thank her for taking the time to help him.

They settled into the spacious food court of the mall with fresh baked chocolate chip cookies and Coke slushies, the bags from the various stores surrounding them taking up a majority of the table they sat at as well as the two unoccupied seats at their side.

"That last cashier was checking you out." Jo stated plainly around a mouthful of cookie as Castiel toyed with the pair of aviators that he had picked up at his friend's insistence from the store they had just left.

Cas frowned as he thought of the pushy auburn haired girl who had written her number on his receipt before handing it to him. She had been pretty in that overly painted trying too hard kind of way that some women had when they were advertising their availability to the opposite sex. He had never understood why girls put so much effort into covering up any naturally attractive qualities they might possess with make-up. Maybe that was he liked guys, they didn't put as much effort into hiding their less desirable traits, what you saw was usually what you got. It made the whole courting thing seem so much less dishonest sometimes. Sometimes.

Castile shrugged, "She was not really my type."

"So you don't like red heads, got it." Jo said with a laugh, her expression turning suddenly impish as she pointed out a busty blonde girl standing in line at the Panda Express near where they were sitting. "What about her?"

He glanced at the girl, more to humor Jo than anything else, and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "Yea, not so much either."

"Oh-kay," Jo said glancing around the crowded food court. "Then what is your type? Short? Skinny?"

"Um…" Castiel wondered how much he could say without giving himself away to the girl. He had not expected his tastes in romantic partners to be the subject of conversation when he agreed to go shopping. "I like brunettes. Tall. Someone who can make me laugh. Knows about music."

"That really narrows it down, Cas." Jo stated sarcastically. She waved her hands as she spoke, her cookie crumbling to little bits on the table between them. "So someone tall, dark haired with a sense of humor and decent taste in music….hmmmm."

Her phone beeped on the table and while Jo was distracted Castiel excused himself to go to the restroom.

Away from Jo he took a moment to calm himself. When he talked about Dean, even in the most abstracted of ways, his heart would start beating rapidly in his chest and his palms would begin to sweat. It was similar to how he felt when a panic attack was coming on, but it lacked the nauseous unpleasantness that accompanied his anxious breakdowns. He peeked out of the hallway that led to the restrooms and pulled is phone out of his pocket.

 **Cas:** Does Jo enjoy making people uncomfortable?

He waited for a tense couple of minutes and wondered how long he could use the restroom as an excuse before his companion started to think he had IBS or something.

 **Dr. Badass!:** Is she doing that thing where she points out girls and asks if you're into them?

 **Cas:** Yes.

 **Dr. Badass!:** Ignore it. She'll do it until you're dating someone.

 **Cas:** And if I never date anyone?

 **Dr. Badass!:** You learn to tune her out.

He ran a hand over his face and steeled himself for more awkward questions from his friend before he went back out to join Jo, who was poking around in Castiel's shopping bags with her phone in one hand. She looked up guiltily at him as he sat back down and quickly shoved her phone back into her purse.

"So I have this friend that I want you to meet."

"Jo, I appreciate the offer, but I do not think—" Castiel began trying to stop the set up he was afraid had been coming.

"Her name is Meg and she is a riot. She'll be at my party next week and I think you'll really like her."

"Jo…"

"Cas, hear me out. You don't have to go on a date or anything. I just think -" Jo explained leaning forward in her seat and putting a hand on his arm.

"Jo, I'm gay." He blurted it without meaning to. And as soon as it was out he wished he could take it back, snatch the words out of the air and bury them back inside himself where all of the other unspoken things he wanted to say resided.

Jo sat back heavily in her seat, looking slightly shocked for a moment before a soft, comforting smile lit up her face. "I know that, you idiot."

"You know?" Castiel asked in a whisper. His vision was beginning to swim and he wished so badly that he knew what her knowing meant.

Did it mean she thought he was revolting? An abomination? Or did she think he was a novelty? The token homosexual in not so small town Kansas? Is that why she took him shopping? Was she looking for a gay best friend that she could gossip and share catty opinions with?

Because Cas didn't want to be any of those things and that's part of the reason he didn't tell people. He had never wanted to be some tired old stereotype of a gay man. He liked guns and kung fu movies and autobiographies about Abraham Lincoln. But he also liked Elvis in a way that admittedly wasn't entirely platonic and he had let Gabriel talk him into regularly using moisturizer because it really did help when his skin got all dry from being outside so much. Jo didn't know any of those things though and it would kill him if he lost a friend because of something she thought that she knew about him.

"Oh, honey," Jo said getting up and coming around the table to wrap him in her arms. "I didn't mean to make you feel bad by pointing out those girls. I just didn't want you to know that I knew because I didn't want you to feel awkward. You didn't have to tell me and now I've gone and made you upset. I'm sorry, sweetie."

Castiel felt laughter bubbling up in his throat and he wasn't sure if it was from relief or from the hilarity of the situation. Less than a week ago he had wanted to pull Jo's hair like the worst drama-fueled queen imaginable because he had a crush on the boy he thought she was dating and now she was apologizing to him because she thought she had forced him out of the closet. The thought struck him that he had never actually 'come out' to anyone. His family just knew, it was kind of an unintended consequence of what had brought them to Lawrence in the first place. And anyone else who cared enough to discuss his sexual preferences was probably only doing so to feed the gossip mill at Lake Forrest.

He didn't know what exactly had possessed him to spill his biggest secret to Jo. Maybe he was tired of feeling like he had to be defined by this one little thing about himself or of being scared of what might happen if the wrong people found out. But the wrong people had already found out and anything horrible that could have happened already had. The people in his life that he stood to lose were already lost and the ones who were worth hanging on to had proven that they didn't care who he wanted to like or kiss or love.

The boy held on to his friend and let her rock him in a soothing way until he felt certain that he wasn't going to have an awkward outburst of emotion in the middle of a freaking food court. People were starting to give them strange looks, but Castiel didn't care. Right now he had someone who he trusted for reasons he couldn't even explain to himself, someone who could see the tip of the iceberg, but decided to stay on a collision course anyway. He cleared his throat and pulled away from the embrace, giving Jo a shaky smile that he hoped would alleviate the concern he could see in her eyes.

"I am not upset with you. I told you because I don't want to hide who I am; keeping secrets has never served me well in the past. Someone always ends up getting hurt." Cas explained as he held his friend at arm's length.

Jo nodded and moved back around the table where she began to gather up their scattered purchases. "So are you going to tell the others?"

He stood and brushed the cookie crumbs from his shirt front, considering how he could answer the question without seeming like a hypocrite. "Do you think they will be okay with it?"

The girl reached out and grasped his shoulder tightly, a serious look on her face as she searched his features. "Probably more okay than you think."

* * *

**Dean:** Please tell me you made him buy that shirt.

Jo received her second opinion on the picture of Castiel that she had sent about six stores too late for the other boy's statement to actually be of any use to her. But she couldn't help herself from doing a little happy dance after her shopping buddy had left to go to the bathroom as she re-read it.

 **Broanna:** Of course I did! He looked like hot buttered sex in it.

 **Dean:** Sure, whatever you say. It's better than the tax accountant getup for sure. He is going to be fighting girls off. You're too good, Jo.

She smiled at the compliment, thinking about the conversation she and Castiel had been in the middle of right before he left. Even without Garth's insight, she probably would have figured out that her new friend wasn't exactly batting for the home team after seeing how he had barely reacted to that cashier practically flashing him as she had leaned over the register to hand him the receipt for his sunglasses.

 **Broanna:** Dude, he did get a number like ten minutes ago!

 **Dean:** awesome

 **Broanna:** I know! He said she wasn't his type though.

 **Dean:** Uh, boobs? What more of a type does he need?

 **Broanna:** He said he wants someone who can make him laugh and he has things in common with, like music.

 **Dean:** Too bad Sam's not a girl because I would school him in awesome tunes just so he could have a chance with Cas. He's like the nicest guy I know.

The happy dance was for sure getting some mileage today and Jo figured that she probably only had about half as much work to do as Ash and Garth thought she did before she finally got their friends happily settled. She just had to get them to stop being so ignorant of each other first.

 **Broanna:** True, whoever gets him is going to be hella lucky. Want to see what else we got?

 **Dean:** Hit me with it, bro.

Jo glanced around to make sure Cas wasn't near before she reached over slyly and started rifling through some of his shopping bags. She pulled out a couple of the studlier shirts that she had picked out and snapped quick photos of them before sending them off to Dean. She purposely avoided the horrible maroon sweater the other boy had bought because she still hoped she could talk him into returning it before they left the mall. Jo wished she had gotten some more dressing room candids because the jeans just didn't look as good folded in the bags as they had when Castiel had actually been wearing them.

As she waited for Dean's final verdict, she mused about who else she might be able to enlist to help with Operation Headinthesand. Ash and Garth were on board, they both liked Cas and they hoped that his level-headedness might rub off on Dean; make their old friend realize how dumb he was being by trying to practically raise Sam on his own.

Sam would probably help too, Jo knew that he was having a hard time with not being able to have close friends and if Dean had someone he could relax around then he wouldn't keep such a tight rein on who his younger brother spent time with. Hmmm…Becky? She was fairly good with computers like Ash and Jo knew that she was not opposed to some hot boy on boy action. Who else? Maybe someone Dean didn't know very well, or at least someone he didn't really get along with that would help her with making Cas look desirable. Hester was crazy intense and Leah was a bit of a, well suffice to say she might enjoy Castiel's shyness a bit too much.

She didn't realize her phone was still in her hand until she saw her friend returning from the bathroom and Jo rushed to put it away before he realized she had been taking pictures of his stuff. He had expressed his excitement to her earlier in the day about showing off his new clothes to everyone else at school the next day. Jo looked at his worried expression and suddenly knew who would be the perfect mix of overtly flirtatious gestures and scheming subtlety to make it look to the casual observer that she was interested in Cas.

"So I have this friend that I want you to meet."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So remember how I said I might post something short and fluffy yesterday? Well, when I sat down and started writing the fluff it turned into a full blown chapter that I had never had planned for the story (kinda a lot like this one, but it served its purpose I hope) and it will really fit in better with the rest of the story if it comes after this chapter. But because I feel bad for not posting yesterday like I hinted that I would, i'm going to post the next chapter a day early on Monday. Yay! Hopefully that makes up for me letting myself be bullied by the characters.
> 
>  
> 
> Special thanks to 1223rhys for providing me with thoughtful reviews, you're ah-mazing! Thanks to everyone who is reading, bookmarking, and subscribing to the story, don't be shy let me know what you're thinking!
> 
> Also, yes, the chapter title is a HIMYM reference. Sue me.


	7. Enterlude

Sam paced the floor of the living room in the tiny apartment anxiously, clutching his second hand phone from Bobby tightly in one hand. He flipped it open every couple of minutes to check that no, there were no new messages. He sighed heavily and ran a hand through his long, messy brown hair before he plopped down on the couch and buried his face in his hands.

"Why did I think this was a good idea?" he groaned to the empty rooms around him.

John had just been leaving when Sam had arrived home from his debate club meeting, headed out to catch the mid-week specials at whatever dive was dumb enough to still give the older Winchester an open tab. Naturally, Sam had taken advantage of the empty apartment to continue his texting with one infuriatingly appealing Gabriel Novak.

At the beginning of the summer, he had been annoyed to have the older man sitting next to him in class. The guy always seemed to need something, a pen, some paper. A couple of times he even forgot to bring his textbook to their shared sociology class and had leaned way into Sam's body space in order to follow along in the book with whatever their teacher was talking about that day. And then one day about halfway through the semester he wasn't at class and Sam had been left staring at the extra pen he had already pulled out of his bag in anticipation of Gabriel needing one, wondering when the person next to him had stopped being so frustrating and instead started being an irritating, but welcome feature of his college experience.

When Gabe showed up to class for their next session, Sam had silently offered him a Hershey bar along with a scantron for the test they were taking that day and Gabriel had told him that his brother had needed his help and that was why he had been absent earlier that week. For the first time, Sam decided to wait for the other man to finish his own test instead of leaving immediately once he was done. They had sat in the hallway outside of the classroom, sharing the candy bar and talking for the remainder of the time until Dean had called saying he was there to pick up the younger Winchester.

Sam had found it difficult to leave the company of the floppy haired man sitting next to him and had been extra grumpy to his older brother that day, Dean had written it off as the test Sammy had to take being harder than the younger boy had been expecting. After that day, he found himself seeking out Gabriel as soon as he walked into their class, which was silly because they always sat in the same seats anyway. Sam felt his heart beating quicker when the other man smiled at him or let him in on one of the pranks he was planning to pull on another one of his instructors or a student.

In the infamous Skittle and whoopee cusion caper of 2010, Sam had proven himself more than useful as a distraction while Gabriel rigged up the complicated apparatus he had come up with that would shoot Skittles at the students in the front row of his history class while also adding the charming sound effects that came from his instructor's chair which had been hijacked with a whoopee cushion. He had waited in the hallway at the beginning of Gabe's first class and less than ten minutes later he had burst into laughter when the teacher had unceremoniously expelled his breathless friend. The older man had taken his hand and they had run down the hallways before they collapsed on a bench outside the student bookstore, laughing until their sides ached and tears streamed down Gabriel's face.

That was the first time Sam had wanted to do something that he knew wouldn't line up with The Plan. Dean had come up with The Plan one spring break when they were much younger. Their mom had been gone for a couple of years, but John had already started his descent into alcoholism, which to hear his older brother tell it was less of a downward spiral and more of an inevitability that Sam just hadn't seen coming until their mom had left, and the elder Winchester had decided that the only way they were going to make it through their teenage years with their sanity was to have a plan in place.

It had always seemed very self-sacrificing on Dean's part to Sam and the thought of deviating from The Plan for his own selfish reasons made him almost physically ill when he thought about how much his older brother was giving up to make sure Sam succeeded. Dean had always thought he wasn't as smart as his younger brother and a significant portion of the scheme hinged on Sam powering through school while Dean put his own ambitions on hold to support him.

They had both agreed that romantic relationships were a liability, not only did they distract from the ultimate goal which was to make their lives as uncomplicated as possible despite their father's lack of concern for their well-being, but they also meant uncomfortably awkward situations like going to a romantic interest's house or meeting their family which were not things the Winchesters could reciprocate since keeping nosy social workers off their backs was a constant and very real concern.

So they kept their relationships with other people at a friendly, distance. Close enough that asking for help wasn't unexpected by the other party, but not indulgent to the point that someone other than family (which included Bobby, Jo, and Ellen by default since they had been privy to the downfall of John Winchester from the beginning) would become emotionally invested enough to want to save them. And yea, it had been hard.

Dean had coped by having a seemingly unending stream of one-night stands and meaningless encounters that left the other participant hating him more often than not when he stopped returning their phone calls and started avoiding them at parties. Sam went the opposite route when he saw how emotionally self-destructive his brother's behavior was and decided to avoid situations and places where he might have the urge to become closer to another person. That meant that he spent a lot of his time at home, the library, or at Bobby's shop. Nothing killed an erection faster than reading about genocide or listening to a surly old man's complaints about how he couldn't eat spicy food like he used to.

But something about Gabriel made Sam want to throw away all of the years that he and his brother had spent working towards eventually having a normal, apple pie life; a goal that came complete with white picket fence, 2.5 kids and a golden retriever. The feelings he felt around the older man made normalcy seem really overrated and frankly, boring.

So when he had decided to never see Gabriel again after their last study session together on the day of their final exam because he was already struggling with being too close too comfortable around the other boy, it was made all the more difficult when Gabe had causally reached over and brushed behind his ear the hair that had fallen into his face as he was bent over his textbook. Even now he could feel how the other's fingers had lingered on his face; trailing lightly over his jaw before Gabe had blushed scarlet and fled the library with a murmured apology. He had sat as far away from Sam as possible during their exam and disappeared as soon as he had handed his own in.

Sam spent the week between his college courses ending and his junior year of high school beginning trying to get back into a familiar routine that didn't involve him cramming for tests or pining over someone who made him question why following The Plan was the only way he could be happy. He buried memories of how easy it had been to smile and laugh around Gabriel and resigned himself to another school year of debate and National Honor Society and kissing the ass of every teacher he had so that they wouldn't automatically assume he was as much of a slacker as his older brother was sometimes. It was what he had been wanting after all, right? To have it end?

The first day of school they had been late because both he and Dean had slept though the lame excuse for an alarm on Dean's cell phone, but as soon as Sam had seen the car he knew who it belonged to. He had walked Gabriel to his car several times after class and they had joked about how it was the type of vehicle that 1950s teenagers went 'parking' in. That was fairly early on in their friendship and by the end Sam had often caught himself hoping that the other boy would offer him a ride home or something just so he knew what the interior of the car felt like, smelled like; details that he could use to improve the daydreams he had started having about spending time with Gabriel where they didn't only talk about conflict theory or Karl Marx.

He had assumed that the older man had let his siblings borrow his car to get to school that day and fought to keep himself from lashing out at Dean when the bitterness of what he had let slip though his fingers started to weigh down on him. Sam would one day look back fondly on how he had literally been knocked off of his feet when Gabriel unexpectedly reentered his life, but at the time he had just been so embarrassed by his own klutziness that he didn't realize that he had somehow gotten the other boy's phone number scribbled onto his palm until he made it to homeroom less than five minutes before the bell rang for the next class.

Sam hadn't waited until school let out that day before texting Gabriel and by the time the weekend had rolled around it was like they had never stopped sitting next to each other in the murky amphitheater that housed their shared class. He noticed that Gabriel never brought up the moment that had passed between them in the library on the last day of class and Sam followed along with the unspoken agreement that they wouldn't discuss it. They kept their conversations light, though Sam thought that there was always an undertone of coyness coming from the other boy that was hard to not reciprocate.

His phone buzzed loudly on the coffee table in front of him, where he had tossed it down in frustration when he had settled on the couch. He reached out a shaky hand to check the message and let out a strangled whimper when he had read it.

 **Gabe:** What was your apartment number again?

And there it was the thing that had Sam rushing to the bathroom to make sure his hair wasn't doing something weird and cupping his hand over his mouth to check that his breath wasn't horrible before typing in a reply with trembling fingers.

 **Sam:** 237

Several minutes later there was a knock on the door and Sam cast one last glance around the sparse apartment to make sure that it wasn't absolutely disgusting before opening the door.

His breath caught in his chest as he took in the sight of Gabriel leaning on the doorframe on one arm with a playful smile on his face, looking every bit the adorable muchkin that Sam had privately started to think of him as. _Oh, yea. That's why this is a good idea._

He looked very at ease in loose fitting jeans, a faded black Michael Jackson shirt and a light-weight olive jacket and the older man unabashedly raked his gaze over Sam before his golden eyes returned to the taller boy's face and he cleared his throat with a small pointed cough.

"So are you going to invite me in or did I get all prettied up for nothing?

"R-Right," Sam said quickly stepping to the side to provide room for Gabriel to enter the apartment. "Come in."

He watched nervously as the shorter man gambled around the small space, poking into cabinets and running his fingers lightly over the framed pictures that Dean had put up on the walls during a slightly drunken bout of sentimentality. Gabriel lingered on a picture of a pretty blonde woman being kissed on either cheek by two small boys, one with close cropped dark hair and another with slightly overgrown lighter locks.

"Your mom?" he asked looking over at Sam who hadn't yet been able to tear his eyes away from the first person that wasn't family to ever set foot in his home.

"Yea," Sam said clearing his throat, it was one of the last pictures they had taken before his mom had left for good when he was 9 years old.

"It's nice that you have pictures," Gabriel replied giving him a sad smile as he moved to sit on the couch, clasping his hands on his knees in front of him.

Sam didn't know what to say to that, they had never really talked about their families outside of their respective siblings and he wondered if maybe they had each avoided bringing up their parents on purpose. He moved towards the fridge, just wanting to have something to do that might temper the awkwardness of the situation. He just had one thought which was; now that he had Gabriel here what was he going to do with him?

"Do you want a drink?" he asked lamely.

"Water's fine."

He grabbed two bottles of water and went to sit by his friend, taking a tentative sip as the silence of the room began to weigh oppressively on the two occupants.

"Where's your brother?" Gabriel asked conversationally moving so that he was sitting with his back against the armrest of the couch, his legs crossed on the cushion in front of him and he was facing his host.

"Probably the same place as your brother. Movie night." Sam replied unconsciously mirroring the other boy's position, which made for a pretty tight squeeze, since the couch wasn't exactly big and Sam's legs weren't exactly short. There was about two inches of space left between the two men as they regarded each other, a fond smile alighting on Gabriel's face at the mention of his younger brother.

"Yea. Not that I don't love the kid, but I'm happy that he has a reason to get out of the house now. Y'know, besides running himself into an early grave or playing army men."

Sam smiled, from what Gabe had told him about his younger brother, he could probably learn a thing or two from Dean about how to relax. He just hoped his older brother wasn't too terrible of an influence on the other boy.

"So what do you want to do?" Sam asked stretching his arms above his head, he noticed how Gabriel's gaze immediately went to where his shirt rode up on his stomach and he couldn't help himself from drawing the movement out longer than was probably necessary.

"Um, there's this diner Cassie and I go to after his – every now and then. It's like right around the corner." The older man was blushing furiously and almost vaulted over the back of the couch as he spoke in his haste to get to the door.

"Sounds great," Sam rose from the couch fluidly, his confident gestures hiding the fact that inside he was a squealing, nervous mess.

He stepped close to Gabriel, reaching over his shoulder to grab his own jacket off of the hooks by the door. Close enough to smell the Juicy Fruit gum that the other man was chewing and to feel the body heat radiating off of him. Every one of his senses felt like it was on high alert, he wanted to absorb every small detail about Gabe just in case he suddenly took off again deciding that this, whatever it was, was just too much, too weird, too perfect.

The diner was only a couple of blocks away and Sam was more than slightly disappointed that it wasn't far enough to justify taking Gabe's car which was parked in the spot usually reserved for the Impala.

Gabriel noticed the younger boy looking at the vehicle forlornly as the set off away from the apartment complex and he couldn't help himself from chuckling as he bumped his friend conspiratorially with his shoulder. "Easy tiger. You'll get to ride in her eventually."

"Am I that obvious?" Sam said ducking his head bashfully as they walked down the street.

"Yeah," Gabe replied with a shrug. "But I like obvious, it's cute. In case you haven't noticed I'm not so good with subtle."

Sam bit his lip and seemed to consider the other man's words for a moment. He stopped Gabe with a hand on his shoulder right as they reached the front of the diner and spun him around to face him. The younger man hesitated for just a moment before leaning down and placing a soft chaste kiss on the other's cheek. Gabe's lightly stubbled face made his lips tingle and his heart felt like it was about to pound out of his chest in fear as he regarded the surprised expression on his crush's face.

"I'm not good with subtlety either," Sam declared before he entered the diner, leaving the other man on the street as the shock turned into a dazed, contented smile and he let out a little huff of air.

 _Wow._ Gabriel thought to himself as he slid into the red vinyl booth across from Sam and picked up the laminated menu with unsteady hands.

"What's good?" Sam asked, his brow furrowing in concentration as he tried to decide what on the menu would kill him the slowest. Everything was battered and deep fried, the only vegetables being the ones that came on the various burgers.

"Well, I always get the monte cristo with the sweet potato fries," Gabe offered with a glance at the younger boy.

"That's like a deep fried sandwich, right?"

The older man nodded, "And it comes with powdered sugar on top and raspberry jam on the side. It's so good."

Sam made an adorably disgusted face at him and all Gabriel could think about what how he shouldn't be doing this. This was so not okay and he was definitely going to go to hell for all of the impure thoughts he had been having about the cluelessly sexy minor sitting across from him.

Because no matter how much he may want to jump across the formica table separating them and kiss the hell out of Sam Winchester, the other boy was still only sixteen. Sixteen; younger than his own brother was.

So granted, Sam looked like he could easily pass for eighteen, was male model level gorgeous, and had an amazing voice that made his toes curl even when the other boy was talking about social contract theory, but Gabriel was the adult in the situation and he should be trying much harder to keep this relationship from becoming something that would have Sam's dad or worse his older brother showing up on his doorstep with a loaded gun.

He wasn't afraid of the whole gay thing or how his family would take it if he were to bring a boy home for dinner or anything. Well, Anna and Cassie at any rate. Even when he had been living at home he hadn't been dumb enough to let his father or older brother catch on to the fact that the 'friends' he stayed over with a lot of the time were really much more than that. His only regret about Pontiac was that he hadn't noticed his younger brother trying and failing miserably at having to hide who he was as well.

No, the problem here was really the age thing. If he had met a 16 year old girl in his sociology class and taken a liking to her, well then her parents might be slightly surprised but not overly scandalized by the fact that he was a 20 year old college freshman and guardian of his two siblings wanting to steal their darling child's virtue. He didn't dare allow himself to hope that Sam's gruff looking older brother would be quite as accepting of the fact that a manther was lusting after his baby bro.

"Hey Gabe," his regular waitress, Barb, said sidling up to the table with a wide smile on her face. "Where's that handsome brother of yours?"

"He's got a hot date with his friends tonight, Barbie doll." Gabriel replied winking at the plump older woman.

"Well, he's not the only one. What's your name, sugar?" the waitress turned to address Sam who was looking at the woman with the biggest, most innocent looking puppy-dog eyes Gabriel had ever seen.

The taller boy reached out a hand in greeting and Gabriel was reminded of another reason why he couldn't get Sam out of his head, he was just so damn polite. "Sam, it's nice to meet you."

Barb's mouth turned into a surprised 'O' and she shook the younger man's hand enthusiastically. "You're Sam. Of course you are good lookin' fella like you. I've heard a lot about you."

Sam gave her a confused look before turning to Gabriel who was doing his level best to resist the urge to kick his favorite waitress and probably closest friend in Lawrence in the shin.

"Thanks, Barb." Gabe muttered, blushing furiously and feeling like he could melt into a puddle of embarrassment right there on the floor.

She cleared her throat and suddenly the woman was all business again, hoping that if she kept her trap shut maybe her boy could still save face and salvage his date. "What can I get you crazy kids?"

"I'll have the turkey burger with a side of chips and guacamole. Coffee to drink, please ma'am."

That was Sam; chivalrous despite the discomfort Gabe knew he had to be feeling. Now that he knew that the older man had been obsessing over him practically since they met and talking about him to other people on top of that, the other boy was probably really regretting that little public display of affection he had shown outside.

"For you, Gabe? The usual?"

"Yea, doll. Double chocolate shake this time, extra whipped cream." He replied trying to keep the sudden despondency out of his voice.

Barb scribbled a quick note on her ticket pad and gave the shorter man a comforting squeeze on the shoulder before moving away to get their drinks and put their order in.

Gabriel stared resolutely at the salt and pepper shakers on the table and taped his fingers anxiously in an effort to keep from biting his nails. His father used to say he had a hand to mouth fixation when he was a kid and had plied lollipops and candy on him to keep him from biting his nails to the quick. Now he had the worst sweet tooth and could get really grumpy when the older Novak got what Anna called 'the sugar shakes'. Thank god he had never taken up smoking.

"So your usual is probably the most artery clogging thing on the menu and you get a chocolate coma shake to wash it all down with? You're going to have diabetes like tomorrow if you keep that up." Sam said in a good-natured tone, causing the other man to look up from his brooding.

"Well, you got coffee. Aren't you afraid you're going to stunt your growth there, Yao Ming?" Gabriel replied, not being one to miss an opportunity to give as good as he got.

"Are we really going to bring height into this?" Sam asked quirking his eyebrow and smiling teasingly as he reached across the table to still the other man's frantically tapping fingers.

That small voice in his head that sounded like his sixth grade science teacher, who in turn had sounded an awful lot like Severus Snape fighting a very bad head cold, told him to pull his hand away. This _was not_ a date. This was two friends, catching up face to face after not having seen each other for awhile. And holding hands. They could hold hands and this still wouldn't be a date, right?

And when had he started questioning doing anything. Not that long ago the name Gabriel Novak had been synonymous with doing whatever the fuck you wanted whenever you wanted. But that had been before he had 'adult' problems and 'real' responsibilities, like making sure your little brother was actually taking his antidepressants and not flushing them down the toilet again or warning your baby sister away from being just another teenage pregnancy statistic. He was going to go gray just from thinking about how randy he had been when he was a freshman and imagining those same kind of hormones assaulting sweet little Anna. He would never for a second regret buying her that travel-sized pepper spray to keep in her backpack.

"I guess not," Gabriel replied smiling back at his friend and letting himself relax back into his seat, twining his fingers through the other boy's instinctively.

Barb brought over their drinks and gave her favorite regular a wink when she noticed their clasped hands on the table top.

The two men talked amicably about what they had been up to since their college course had let out and shared little silly stories from their childhoods until their food came. They ate in comfortable silence and Gabriel even managed to get Sam to try a bit of his 'death sandwich', Sam's designation for the grease dripping, preserve slathered concoction that the older man had held enticingly in front of his mouth until the smell of the food had made him give in and take the bite off of the end of the fork at his lips. He had groaned in appreciation and made a mental note of the wanton look that had crossed Gabriel's face at the sound.

They both opted to not get dessert and while Sam stepped out to take a call from his brother, Gabriel paid for both of their meals, still resolutely telling himself that this dinner was not a date. He gave Barb a hug on his way out of the restaurant and promised that he would talk to her soon, the man usually stopped in after classes to study over a plate of fries and a milkshake.

"Dean called," Sam said pocketing his phone when he saw the older man emerge from the diner. "Said they're watching sequels tonight and then he's gonna give everyone a lift home after so he won't be back until late."

"So I won't have to pick up Castiel, great." Gabriel said with a wry smile. "What now?"

The younger boy seemed to ponder the question for a moment and then he shrugged. "We could go back to my house, watch a movie or something. We'll have plenty of time to finish it since they don't even start movie night until the pizza gets there. Dean said they just ordered so we've got a couple of hours easy."

"Won't your dad be home by the time we get back?"

Sam's expression darkened and he turned his face away from the other boy as they began the short walk back toward the apartment complex. "No. If he comes home at all it won't be until way after Dean gets back."

"Oh." Gabriel replied not knowing what else to say with the information. Maybe this explained by Dean seemed so protective of his younger brother, their dad was a deadbeat.

The trip back to the apartment was filled with a tense silence and more than once Gabriel considered just getting in his car and going home to a hot shower where the only Sam Winchester he had to worry about was in his head and more than willing to skip the awkward 'getting to know you' stage.

But as tempting as that sounded, the older man knew that he would regret leaving whatever was going on between the two of them on such uncertain terms. He needed to do something, make a decisive move that wasn't coy or teasing and would let Sam know exactly how he felt. Because he was pretty ready to tell the consequences to go fuck themselves as he climbed the stairs to the second floor apartment behind the younger man, the view was just amazing.

Gabriel stood awkwardly in the small hallway inside the door of the apartment as he waited for Sam to retrieve his battered lap top from the bedroom he shared with his brother and wondered if it would be too forward of him if he just scaled the taller boy like a mountain and kissed him senseless.

"What are we watching?" he asked the younger boy who was perching on the edge of the couch and going through the files he had stored on his computer with a small smile on his face.

"You said you like Downton Abbey and British stuff, right?"

"Yeah…" Gabe replied warily as Sam settled back on the couch and clicked the play button on the small screen of the laptop on the coffee table in front of them.

The older man laughed out loud when the opening strains of Pride and Prejudice started and gave his friend a pointed look. "You dangling Matthew MacFayden in front of me is going to win you all of the favors, Winchester."

"Yea, I like him too." Sam said blushing slightly as he turned to face Gabriel, propping one leg up on the cushion separating them. "We don't have to watch it if you don't want to though."

"If we get tired of it, we can turn it off." He replied with a shrug before he slid down to curl up on his side on his half of the couch, head laying on the armrest. "I've seen it like a billion times."

The evening light started to fade as they watched the movie and neither man bothered to get up and turn on the lamps that sat at either end of the couch. By the time it got to the scene where Lizzie and Mr. Darcy were finally getting their heads out of their asses long enough to dance with each other at the Netherfield ball, Gabriel's arm had started to go numb from where he was laying on it and he was shifting uncomfortably.

Sam let out a loud sigh and moved so that he was sitting turned more towards the other man, draping an arm across the back of the couch as he went. "Come here."

Gabriel hesitated for less than a second before he dove across the space separating him and Sam and firmly nestled himself into the larger man's side, wrapping his arm's around the other boy's torso and placing his head on the broad, flannel covered expanse of chest underneath him. Sam laughed at the older man's actions and leaned down to drop a kiss into Gabe's hair. The smaller man sighed in contentment and vowed to himself that he was going to remember everything about this night, even if it was the only one with Sam that he ever got.

When the movie drew to a close, Sam jostled Gabriel slightly to make sure that he had not fallen asleep as he turned on the light next to him and was startled when he saw the usually mirthful golden eyes filled with tears.

"What's wrong, Gabe?" He asked in a worried tone, drawing away slightly from the other boy so that he could take in his whole expression.

"It's nothing really. I'm just being a big stupid girl." Gabriel said drawing in a shaky breath and wiping furiously at his eyes with the heel of his hand.

It was too much. He had never wanted to see Gabriel sad, would give anything to make sure that the man in his arms never had to cry again. Would tear the world apart if it meant he could hear the other's infectious laugh every day for the rest of his life.

"No something is wrong. What is going on? Why are you crying?"

Gabriel shook his head and tightened his grip on Sam, not wanting to let go, but knowing he should. He should be going, this was wrong. "I just don't want tonight to end."

"Is that all? You really are a big stupid girl." The other boy replied with a chuckle.

"Be serious, Sam." He was angry. Sam was going to force him to be the bad guy. "How is this ever going to work? It won't work, it can't work."

"And why the hell not? Who's to say that we can't do this, watch movies and cuddle and eat food that's going to end up killing us? This," Sam gestured between the two of them, when had they moved so far apart? "Is is no one's business but our own."

"I'm too old for you. I can't be serious about anything for more than ten minutes. I am _raising_ my siblings, Sam. That's like some real fucking shit. If anyone were to find out about us, they could be taken away from me. Anna could go back to my dad, I can't let that happen."

"I can handle the serious stuff, my life isn't perfect, Gabe. I can't see anything I don't like about you. All of that stuff you think is bad is just one more reason why I'm crazy about you."

"But you will! But you will. You know, you will think of things about me that piss you off. Make you regret fucking up your life for someone like me. And I'll get bored with you and feel trapped because that's what happens with me." Gabriel was almost shouting now. He could feel his heart thudding in his chest again, only now it was painful, not exciting like it had been when Sam had kissed him earlier in the afternoon.

"Ok." Sam said plainly, grabbing Gabriel's wrist tightly to anchor him to the conversation so he couldn't run away again. If he ran again then the younger man knew that it would be over, before they even got a chance.

"Ok?"

"If you piss me off, if I find something about you that I think isn't absolutely adorable I'll tell you. And if you get bored, I'll let you go. I can't promise it won't kill me if you do, but I just want you to be happy." Sam's voice was serious and Gabriel found that he couldn't look away from the penetrating gaze of the boy's dark brown eyes. "But my only regret will be not trying; giving up on having something amazing just because it's not easy."

The shorter man exhaled loudly, not even realized that he had been holding his breath while Sam had been speaking and felt his mouth forming a trembling smile. "Alright then."

Sam nodded in agreement and tentatively reached out to cup Gabriel's face with his free hand, adjusting his grip on the other man's wrist so that their fingers were linked together. He leaned forward, closing the gap that had formed between them and softly brushed his lips against Gabe's.

It was time-stopping and innocent and heart-wrenchingly sweet and everything a first kiss should be. When they pulled away, Gabriel rested his forehead against Sam's, looking at the other boy who still had his eyes closed, but who's expression had settled into one of dazed contentment.

It was something that no one else had ever seen and the older man let his worries and fears evaporate for the time being as he moved forward for another kiss, knowing at the back of his mind that the problems would still be there when time started up again, but savoring the present too much to care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my original title for this chapter was 'Interlude' since I meant for it to be short, sweet, and just something quick I would write in between chapters, but it kinda got away from me.If you're familar with The Killers you'll notice that the title is similar to what I had originally planned, but is a song reference off of the album Sam's Town. I think its pretty appropriate.
> 
> I was worried that I couldn't write cutesy stuff and I'm still pretty worried about slash, but I guess I will cross that sexy bridge when I get to it. This is the second chapter in a row that wasn't ever meant to be longer than 1K words or so, but I hope that can only mean that I am enjoying writing this so much that it feels like its writing itself.
> 
> Anyway, here it is a day early! Next chapter will not be up until Friday so please let me know what you think of this one and as always thanks to everyone who is reading, commenting, and just being generally amazing at being a human.


	8. Bang Bang

Cas luxuriated in the hot spray of water pouring down on him in the long communal showers of Lawrence High's locker room. His muscles in his back and arms ached pleasantly in ways that they hadn't in months and he smiled as he thought of how the mock rifles of the drill team members, painted black with striking red accents for the school's colors, had sailed high into the air the precision only slightly off since they weren't yet used to the timing of the routine that Sanz had created to go along with the songs that the marching band would be performing at half time.

They had started the meeting by running a mile, something that Castiel had done easily since it was only a fraction of what he did every morning anyway. He had been left waiting on the sidelines of the track that surround the football field for the rest of the ROTC cadets to finish and had taken the opportunity to observe the football team practicing plays in preparation for the first game of the season the following week. He watched Dean but he was really trying not to.

Football wasn't something he was very familiar with even though Raphael had tried to explain it to him several times when they were younger before getting frustrated with Castiel's repeated questioning of the rules and intricacies of the game and telling his younger brother to leave him alone. No, the sport was something that his father and oldest brother had always bonded over and he and the rest of his siblings had quickly learned to make themselves scarce when a game was on or risk their father's wrath if they disturbed the pair.

He hoped that by watching the team practice then maybe he could pick up enough on how the game was played to be able to have something to discuss with Dean besides music and how crazy Chuck was. Not that their conversations weren't generally the highlight of his day, but he wanted to know more about the boy, be able to have his own stories that they could share with the rest of the group since neither Jo, Ash, or Gath were involved with a club that took part in the Friday night rituals of the football team, band, and ROTC. He wanted to have inside jokes with someone that would have other people looking as confused as Cas sometimes felt before a member of their group explained the story behind the what the rest of them found so funny.

Dean had spotted him leaning against the chain link fence separating the track and football field from the bleachers and waved at Cas excitedly, taking the opportunity to do so while Coach Uriel was busy shouting direction to the defensive linemen. Castiel had noticed that Dean's own position on the team usually meant that he was running and catching the ball that was thrown at him by Alistair. Though the two boys weren't on friendly terms it seemed that they could put their differences aside for long enough to successfully get the ball to the end zone.

The smaller man smiled at his friend, blushing at having been caught staring by the object of his affections. Luckily, Sanz had chosen that moment to come over and start talking about the marksman competitions that would be taking place for the ROTC in the spring semester and asking if he felt confident enough to demonstrate to the others how to field strip a rifle when they met on Monday. Castiel had agreed to the older man's requests readily and then volunteered to go and retrieve the mock drill rifles from the closet that their equipment was stored in. By the time he returned, Uriel had the offensive line up running plays against the defensive part of the football team and Dean's face was once again safely obscured from his scrutiny by his helmet.

After finishing what the instructor informed them would be their standard workout (consisting of the mile everyone had run, jumping jacks, push ups, and sit ups) at Wednesday meetings, ten students had remained to begin learning the marching program Sanz had created and Cas was pleased that the other cadets seemed as dedicated to achieving the perfection required for the routine to happen with no one getting knocked out by one of the study replica guns as he was. He noticed that Adam especially was worried about someone getting injured and thought about how the younger boy's considerate nature might fair if it were to be matched with Jo's own need to mother all of the guys in her life.

The drill practice ended and Sanz dismissed the cadets with a sharp salute. Castiel walked behind Adam and Kevin on the way back to the locker room, listening to Tran complain about how he didn't have the muscle mass to keep up with the other boys on the squad.

"Man, it's not about muscles." Adam said patting the freshman comfortingly on the arm as they headed towards where they had left their street clothes on one of the benches when they had changed for the meeting. "It's about endurance. The rifles aren't that heavy so you just have to learn how to pace yourself. Your tosses don't have to be as high as you're trying to make them."

Cas had just stayed in his gym clothes since the ROTC had met right after his last class of the day anyway and headed towards his locker across the room to gather the things he had brought with him to take a shower before going over to Garth's house for movie night.

"He's right," Castiel agreed softly, pulling out his towel and tucking his moisturizer safely out of sight before he turned back to the other boys. "If you just use your left hand to push down as you're flipping up with your right it uses the muscles in your shoulders more than your wrists. You'll get the same height and those muscles are already some of your strongest."

Kevin rubbed his wrists experimentally and winced when he put pressure on them. "I just don't see how I'm ever going to be as good as you two are."

"I'll do some extra practice with you if you want," Adam offered. "I know you have a lot of schoolwork and stuff, but I'll make the time to do it if you will."

"Thanks, Adam." Kevin said shoving his clothes into his backpack. "I've got to run, my mom is supposed to pick me up for my cello lesson. Bye, guys."

The two boys watched as Kevin darted out of the locker room and then smiled awkwardly at each other as they moved around getting their things together.

"You're friends with Jo Harvelle, right?" Adam asked suddenly causing Castiel to stop on his way towards the showers at the back of the locker room.

He nodded at the other boy though part of him was acutely aware that it couldn't possibly be this easy to set two people up. It had never been that easy for him.

"Just friends?" the younger boy asked uncertainly.

"Yes." Cas replied with a small laugh.

Adam bit his lip and twisted his discarded workout shirt tightly around his hand; he looked up at the senior embarrassed. "Because you like guys?"

Castiel froze, the last time another boy had said that sentence to him he had ended up with two cracked ribs and a hairline fracture in his skull. He thought very carefully before he answered and took the time to study Adam's body language. The sophomore didn't look like he was about to jump him, didn't look offended or agitated. And the way Adam had asked spoke volumes. Because he _had_ asked, not spat it at him like an accusation.

"Do I have a sign on my forehead or something?"

The younger man's shoulders relaxed and he smiled warmly at Cas. "Nah. I'm just perceptive about that kind of thing. I have a cousin, Michael who's…y'know. I could introduce you to him if you want."

"That's ok. I sorta like someone else, but I don't know…" he trailed off and Adam made a small hum of understanding.

"Well, um. About Jo. Do you think she might be interested in um, me? I mean she's always really nice to me and everything, but she's nice to everyone so it's really hard to…."

"Her birthday is next weekend." Castiel stated in an effort to stop the boy's painful blabbering.

"It is?"

"Yes and she is having a party at her house. I think she would really like it if you came. You specifically."

"Really?' Adam asked hopefully.

"Yea," Cas said with a smile, this matchmaking stuff was easy. "You should talk to her."

"I will man, thanks." Adam slung his backpack over his shoulder and went to leave the locker room. Castiel was stopped again as he continued towards the showers by the younger man clearing his throat. "And Cas, if you ever need to talk or anything…"

The older boy had taken in the sympathetic face that the freshman was wearing and nodded.

As Castiel stepped into spray of water, he figured he had about twenty minutes until football practice ended and he wanted to be done and dressed before the team came in, he thought about how he seemed to getting that 'poor you' face from a lot of people lately. Jo hadn't meant to do it when they went shopping he was pretty sure of that, but Becky Rosen made that face at him practically every day when they were leaving English class, and though it might have been what Dean called one of his 'bitch faces' he was pretty sure his friend's younger brother had worn the same expression when the pair had caught up with Cas as he had entered the school the day before. However, that introduction had been very brief since the younger Winchester had claimed that he needed to go to his locker before homeroom and dashed off leaving Dean to compliment and gawk over Castiel's new wardrobe.

Cas smiled into the water hitting his face and quickly sloughed soap onto his body, that had been nice. Seeing Dean's stunned expression as the other boy had given him a long look, it almost felt like he was being checked out, but he knew that couldn't have been the case when less than five minutes later he had seen Dean looking cozily cornered by a leggy blonde girl who he was pretty sure was a cheerleader. He really should let the whole crush on his so hetero it hurts friend go, maybe take Adam up on his offer, but every time he wrote off the other boy as a lost cause Dean did something or said something that made him have to start digging himself out of those beautiful green eyes all over again.

He rinsed the shampoo out of his hair and stretched his muscles one last time under the hot water before turning it off and wrapping his towel around his hips. He grabbed his workout clothes and went to get the clothes he had been wearing earlier in the day, but was stopped short when he saw that the locker room was full of tired, hulking football players. They were very quiet, shucking off their shoulder pads and helmets and hardly looking at each other. He moved cautiously through the group, like a gazelle that had accidently stumbled into a pack of dozing lions, to his locker sparing a glance at Dean who was leaning up against the locker next to him with his head in his folded arms.

"You ok?" Cas asked quietly, quickly snatching his jeans and shirt and holding them close to his chest.

Dean's reply was muffled and he didn't bother looking up at his friend. "Yea. Wisdom just tore us a new one about not being ready for the game next week."

The other boy pulled back suddenly and wiped his hands over his over his face and hair in an agitated way, causing his sweat drenched hair to stick up at odd angles. Castiel jumped slightly at the action and glanced around nervously at the other players who were still ignoring him as they moved around gathering their things. "I just don't know what else to do! Nothing I ever do is good enough for anyone."

"Dean," Castiel said softly, adjusting the bundle in his arms so that he could pat his friend on the shoulder causing Dean to look at him for the first time, eyes widening slightly as he took in the other boy's lack of clothing. "I am sure he wasn't talking to just you. You can't take responsibility for the whole team, just do your best. That's all anyone is going to ask."

"Thanks, Cas." Dean murmured.

"Anytime," he replied and then moved as quickly as he could back to his favorite stall to change, he could feel eyes on his back as he moved and he hoped that no one noticed the scars.

"That thing you do with the gun," Dean said moving his hands in a juggling motion as he drove, steering the Impala with his knees for a moment while they were on a straight stretch of road leading to Garth's house a short time later. "It's really freakin' cool."

"It's nothing," Castiel said looking out the passenger side window and noticing that his other friend's house was in generally the same area as his own.

"No, dude. It's badass. I wish I could do something like that.'

"Dean, it's the same thing as twirling a baton and then people would just make fun of me. So what is the big deal?"

"I bet you could make a baton look very macho. Dress it up with some camo and army boots and you'd be the hottest twirler out there. Girls would throw themselves at you." Dean said with a chuckle.

He hadn't yet seen Cas in fatigues or his dress uniform, but he figured that the sharp lines of military dress would probably suit the smaller boy. And Dean had always had a thing for uniforms, he'd even considered the Army for himself for a while. Cas scoffed when Dean mentioned girls and ran a hand through his now dry hair.

Dean noticed the motion and once again allowed himself to admire how much better the other boy looked in more normal clothes. He was wearing a dark red cardigan over a black shirt for a band that Dean had never heard of with light blue jeans. Jo had made a point at lunch of telling everyone that she had not approved of Cas's choice in outerwear, but Dean liked it. It was a nice contrast to his friend's eyes and more than once he caught himself staring at the other boy when his attention was turned elsewhere.

Now Dean had never been one to begrudge another guy good looks, Harrison Ford had pretty much been his idol as a kid and he had always thought the scruffy, badass hero thing worked pretty well for the guy; it's not like the actor did badly with the ladies. After having met Cas though, he was ready to amend his traits that he thought all girls should find attractive to include scruffy, badass, nerdy, shy, softspoken, gorgeous, funny amazing and nice.

It was like someone had delved into his dreams and taken all of the sweet qualities of Kaylee from Firefly mixed with the brains and looks of Indiana Jones and came up with Castiel Novak. This unassuming high schooler who had dropped so unexpectedly into his life and was fearless enough to stand by him against a group of meatheads on his first day, crazy enough to throw guns in the air and not bat an eye, but too shy to change clothes in a locker room and had the most quirky, self-deprecating sense of humor that Dean couldn't get enough of.

He pulled into Gath's driveway and felt a small pang of regret that the ride from the school had been so short. Part of him liked to keep Cas all to himself, most days he couldn't wait until their English class and he liked having things that just he and the other boy could talk about, even if it was just homework. Dean liked that the other boy would let him listen to his iPod with him during their downtime in the class and he was finding that he enjoyed a lot of the music that Cas was introducing him to, but it felt awkward to talk about it in front of the others, like it was something private going on between the two of them. Like the songs they listened to had some deeper meaning that if he just paid more attention to he would understand what they were trying to tell him.

Today for instance, Dean had asked Cas about his shirt and the other boy had excitedly pulled up a song; as it played the larger boy felt like he was looking at a younger version of Cas sitting in a large sparse bedroom, listening to his iPod turned way down in the middle of the night his face illuminated only by the small glowing screen of the media player. Every time that his friend shared those headphones with him it was like Dean was seeing another part of him, peeling back the layers of what had made Castiel into the amazing person sitting next to him one at a time. He had taken to making a list of the songs and artists Cas talked about in the back of his spiral so that he could look them up later on Sam's laptop at home and try to figure out what their secret language was saying.

Dean walked right into Garth's house, not bothering to knock since he knew that Gath's mom would be expecting them. Cas trailed slightly behind, examining the comfortable rooms as he went smiling at all of the personal touches that made this building a home for his friend. Mrs. Fitzgerald stopped them on their way down stairs to the basement, greeting Dean with a kiss on the cheek and a hug and shaking the hand that Cas offered by way of introduction before the older woman managed to pull him in for a short, tight hug too.

"Finally," Jo grumbled from the worn arm chair she was sitting in, messing around on her phone with a disinterested look on her face. "You guys took forever."

"Well, we could've shown up all sweaty, Jo." Dean said, flinging his jacket down onto the back of the couch and ambling over to where Garth and Ash were playing ping pong on the scratched table with a dented ball. "But we didn't want our pheromones screwing up your chances with soldier boy."

"Adam says hello, by the way." Cas added pulling the DVDs he had brought with him out of his bag.

"Oh really, he say anything else?" Jo asked archly.

"Nothing that he won't say to you tomorrow I'm sure."

Jo's face dropped in disappointment slightly before she smiled breezily at the assembled boys in the room. "So what are we watching, Cas?"

Castiel looked down at the movies in his hand; he had deliberated for the better part of the evening before about what he should pick to watch. He wanted something that the rest of the group would like, that would appeal to everyone's personalities, but the film collection in the Novak household was pretty sparse, consisting of what had been bought since their move at the beginning of the summer and the three siblings tastes ranged wildly between Gabe's obsession with period dramas, Anna's arthouse films, and Cas's preference for classic kung fu movies.

So he had picked the film in his collection that was the most recent and grabbed its sequel for good measure. I mean, it's not like it was ever really meant to be a sequel, right? It's just like a continuation of the first movie. He held up the yellow and red cases and looked around the room anxiously. "Kill Bill?"

"Hell yes, dude!" Garth yelled climbing over the back of the couch and snatching the boxes out of Cas's hands. "I haven't watched these in like two years."

"So can we order some pizza now? I'm freaking starving!" Ash said taking up a post on the other end of the couch and Jo moved to settle happily in between the two boys, already dialing Papa Keno's on her phone.

That left just the armchair vacant and Dean looked at Cas tensely before both boys made a mad dash for the last comfortable seat in the basement. The trio on the couch watched in amusement as the two boys wrestled around in the chair, both were fairly evenly matched. Dean had the more obvious strength, but Cas was wiry and eventually managed to wedge himself underneath the large boy and use Dean's own body weight against him to shove him onto the floor. The smaller boy smiled triumphantly and snuggled himself down deeply into the armchair as Dean snatched the throw pillow out from under Cas's head just as he plopped it down heavily onto the armrest.

"I want meat lover's," Dean grumbled as he pulled out his own phone. "Let me check in with Sam and then I'll put the movie in."

"Hey, Sammy" Dean said settling his back against Cas's chair, he could feel the other boy's breath on the back of his neck and he shivered slightly. "Yea. No, I just got here. Practice ran kinda long. Nah, we're just now ordering. Gonna be late tonight, buddy. Yea, I'm gonna make sure everyone makes it home and stuff. Okay. Hey, don't spend all night doing homework; maybe try to relax for once? Okay. See you later."

Dean cleared his throat and snatched Vol. 1 off of the upturned milk crates that served as the basement's coffee table and crawled to Garth's Playstation to put the disc in. He maneuvered the controls until the opening scenes began and Ash jumped up to turn the lights off and grab sodas for everyone from the fridge in the corner of the basement. He tossed one to Cas and the boy caught it without tearing his eyes away from Uma Thurman's bloody face on the screen.

"He wrote this script for her as a birthday present, y'know." Cas murmured softly into Dean's ear causing him to jump.

"Who?" Dean whispered, glancing back at his friend. From where Cas was laying, their faces were less than a foot apart and Dean took the chance to unabashedly stare at the boy who's attention was so focused on the screen.

"Tarantino." Cas said, his eyes flicking over to Dean for a moment before the sound of a gunshot brought his attention back to the movie. "I love this song."

The credits played on the screen, casting the room into almost complete darkness and Dean was so caught up in listening to the song that when the chorus came in, Castiel's singing softly along made him close his eyes in amazement. The other boy's voice would have been lost to him if he had managed to get his normal seat on the couch.

"Bang bang. He shot me down, bang bang. I hit the ground , bang bang. That awful sound, bang bang. My baby shot me down."

His voice just sounded so sad and resigned and wrecked. Dean hugged the throw pillow tightly to his chest to resist the urge to turn around and comfort his friend. He looked around at Jo, Garth, and Ash who were sitting obliviously on the couch and didn't seem to be able to hear what he was hearing; surely if they could they would be having the same reaction to the deep voice whispering in his ear that he was. He didn't know if he wanted to track down whatever asshole it was that had made his friend so sad or if he wanted to do something drastic to make Cas forget that he had ever had anything but happy memories to associate with this song.

When it was over Castiel let out a soft sigh and the hot, damp air on his neck made Dean turn around to see his friend smiling softly. "How many times have you seen this?"

"It's pretty much my favorite movie, Dean."

He relaxed at that, if this was Cas's favorite movie then maybe it was just that song that made him sad and his friend wouldn't spend the rest of the night wishing he were somewhere else, with someone else. Whoever the girl was that could let a guy like Cas go had to be a stone cold bitch. Dean felt more determined than ever to make sure that his friend met a nice girl, a girl who deserved someone so awesome.

The pizza arrived and Garth paused the movie long enough to dart up the stairs and pay the delivery boy and gather some plates so that everyone could eat while they finished the first movie. Dean ate almost half a pizza by himself, which wasn't too much more than normal, but he was famished from the long, grueling practice that Coach Uriel had put them through earlier in the afternoon. He felt sleepy and full and the only thing keeping him awake was the trivia about the movie that Cas kept whispering in his ear.

When the other boy got up to change the disc, Dean stealthily slipped into recently vacated seat that was still warm from its previous owner's body heat and he settled into it with a pleased smirk on his face. Cas shot him a dirty look as Dean made himself comfortable, sprawling out in the chair like he himself had been doing moments before; legs draped over one arm and head resting on the other. He offered the throw pillow back to Dean who took it gratefully and used it to prop his neck up.

To his credit, Dean made it all the way through Pai Mei's big scenes before he finally dozed off, tossing and turning in the cramped chair until he was lying on his side and one arm was hanging lazily off of the chair next to Cas.

Castiel kept letting his gaze wander over to the hand next to him. It was so close that when he breathed deeply, Dean's thumb would brush against his side and he could see the rough calluses on his sleeping friend's fingers and palm. He swallowed nervously and tried very hard to not think about those fingers playing with his hair or running over his collarbone. God, it had been hard enough when he had been sitting in the chair himself to not reach out and run his hands over the wide set of Dean's shoulders or lean forward to kiss the freckle-free spot of skin behind his ear.

The more time he spent in the green-eyed boy's company the worse his little crush was getting. If only he knew for sure that Dean wasn't interested then he could let it go, bury that tiny spark inside of him that thought he wasn't too far gone to deserve something as wonderful as the person sleeping behind him. It helped when he took his meds, they somehow suppressed the voices in his head that made it hard for him to wake up every morning, made getting dressed or eating seem like an exercise in pointlessness and they allowed him to focus on and appreciate the little things that he knew were going right for him. Like his friends and his classes. He hated that he had to take them, that he was weak enough to need them, but he knew that it was better when he did.

His favorite part of the movie was coming up, the part where Bill talks about Superman and how Clark Kent is the hero's critique on the whole human condition. Cas wondered if he should wake up Dean, he knew that his friend liked superheroes. Dean shifted in his sleep and Castiel heard his breathing quicken, like he was running. The hand next to him disappeared and he was shocked a moment later when it landed on the back of his neck. He tensed slightly before the boy behind him muttered something incoherent and Cas realized that he was still asleep. The warm weight of Dean's hand felt nice and he couldn't bring himself to shake it off.

He wanted to stop Jo from turning on the lights when the movie ended, if only it would mean that Dean would never take his hand away. Cas felt like he could keep pretending that his friend thought of him, felt for him in the same way if the world were always dimmed slightly.

The nightmare had been horrible, not as bad as some of the ones that he had about his mother or about Sammy, but man. It had been rough. He had been watching as if from a great distance, that younger version of Cas that he had seen earlier shaking and crying as darkness closed in around him and he just kept singing and singing that sad fucking Nancy Sinatra song, like the melody could keep the monsters in the shadows away and Dean had wanted to protect him. Tell him to close his eyes and cover his ears like he used to do with Sammy when he didn't want his younger brother to see their mom and dad fighting. Like that thing you do when you're a kid and you pull the covers over your head because if you can't see the monsters then they can't see you.

It had been bad enough to startle him awake in the last couple of minutes of the movie, but he had kept his breathing even and steady, his eyes cracked just enough that he could see that Castiel was still sitting in front of him, was fine. He didn't know when he had reached out to grab the other boy protectively but the feel of the other boy's warm skin was enough to calm him down. He could smell the clean, minty scent of Cas's shampoo and wondered if his being so close was making his friend uncomfortable.

If asked, Dean would never admit it, but the thing he wanted most was for someone to want him enough that they wouldn't mind sticking around the next morning; wouldn't cringe away when he wanted to hold on to them. But the harsh light of day usually helped the girl's he went home with see through all of his charming bullshit and realize that he was selfish and needy and could never give someone as much as he asked of them in return.

When Jo flipped the light on, he made a big show of stretching and rubbing his eyes blearily like he had just woken up. He didn't know why he felt like he had to do that, but some part of him stopped him from just continuing to hold on to Cas as the smaller boy turned to look at him curiously even though the hand he had had on his friend was tingling slightly, like he had just touched an exposed wire.

"Sorry guys," Dean said with a yawn. "I must have been more tired from practice than I thought. So Ash I'm giving you a ride home right?"

"I'm riding with Jo," Ash said stacking up the empty pizza boxes and heading for the stairs.

"I thought you were taking Cas home?" Dean asked looking over at Jo who was giving Garth and Cas hugs goodbye.

"I figured you could take him home 'cause I need to grab some books and stuff I left at Ash's house." Jo explained trailing up the stairs after Ash. "I'll see you later Cas. Bye Garth."

Dean looked over at Castiel and shrugged, grabbing his jacket and sliding it on. He waved at Garth and popped into say goodnight to his friend's mom on their way out of the house, the smaller boy following along silently behind him looking lost in thought.

Jo waved one last time as her old Ford rumbled out of the driveway. She was starting to get really frustrated. "They are both morons."

"Yep." Ash drawled seeing Dean move around to the passenger side of the Impala as they drove away.

Dean opened the passenger side door and motioned for Cas to get in the car. The other boy stood on the sidewalk leading up to the front door, wringing his hands together and looking forlornly across the street to the park entrance that faced Garth's house. Dean felt a sinking in his stomach when his friend made no move to get into the car and he knew it was because of him. Son of a bitch! He had fucked up; made the one person he wanted to be around most feel awkward and uncomfortable.

"Come on, Cas." Dean said trying to keep the desperation out of his voice.

"I think I'm just going to walk Dean. My house is right though the park if I cut across."

"Dude, it's like eleven at night. You can't go walking through a park by yourself." Dean said closing the door. "I'm gonna come with you."

"I walked around by myself at night in Pontiac all the time." Cas said starting towards the park. He stopped carefully at the street and looked both ways.

"I bet you left your front door unlocked too," Dean said jokingly as he jogged across the street ahead of his friend, jacket flapping around him. It was finally starting to cool down now that they were edging into September.

"How else am I supposed to get in, Dean?" The other boy sounded exasperated.

"Cas," He said seriously putting out a hand to stop his friend who was pulling his lightweight cardigan around himself tightly as he adjusted his bag on his shoulders. "Is your house unlocked right now?"

Castiel shrugged and shivered, walking slowly through the park and looking up at the stars that were shining brightly in the clear night sky. "Maybe. It depends on if Gabriel beat me home."

Dean laugh/groaned at his friend's naivety and the pair continued to walk through the empty park in silence. It was kinda nice, there were no kids screaming at each other as they passed the playground or hippies playing hacky sack in the open spaces at the center of the park. Cas continued to watch the skies more than his feet and more than once Dean had to steady him as he stumbled over the uneven patches of ground that he couldn't see in the dark.

"I wish I knew astrology," Cas said suddenly, stopping by one of the few picnic tables that wasn't situated under the large oak trees that the park sported. He hopped up onto the table top and leaned back so that he was lying down with his feet hanging off of the end and his head was close to the center of the wooden table. "You know, more than just the North Star or the Big Dipper."

The larger boy watched his friend and smiled as he was reminded of another day when Cas had been sitting on a picnic table, before he had started noticing all of the small little quirks that were specific to his blue-eyed friend. Dean hopped up onto the opposite end of the table and laid back so that his head was next to the other boy's, legs falling off of the end of the table. It wasn't very comfortable. Dean striped off his jacket and rolled it up, motioning for Cas to lift his head up and sliding half of the makeshift pillow underneath. He settled back again and shifted until he had his own portion of the jacket mashed into a comfy position.

Dean reached a hand up and pointed out a cluster of stars. "That, right there. That's Andromeda."

"Where?" The other boy asked shifting closer. "There?"

"No." Dean said moving Castiel's pointed finger slightly to the left. "Right…there. She's The Chained Lady."

"Why is she called that?" Cas asked softly.

"Well, the story goes that she was like really pretty. And her mom was going around bragging that Andromeda was prettier than Posiden's daughters. I guess they lived by the ocean or something, I dunno it's a Greek thing. Anyway, the bragging pissed Posiden off and he flooded their crops. Well, they found out the only way to make him stop ruining everything was to sacrifice Andromeda, so they chained her to a cliff by the sea."

"That's terrible!" Castiel exclaimed propping himself up on one elbow so that he could look down at Dean.

The other boy laughed and felt a blush creeping up his neck under the other boy's scrutiny. "Nah. She gets saved by this hero guy, Perseus, showed up and rescued her at the last minute."

"Did her mom get what was coming to her? For treating her daughter like shit?" Cas asked sounding very bitter.

"Yea, her mom's up there too; chained to her throne upside down as punishment. There's a lot of Greek constellations. Some are heroes like Perseus and Hercules and stuff and some are bad people being punished for pissing off the wrong deity."

"I bet the girls like all of this, you can probably spin it to be really romantic. Just talk about the damsels in distress and leave out the crappy parents." Cas said plopping back down onto the table.

"It doesn't really come up," Dean said wanting to change the subject. He did not want to talk about those other girls with Cas, felt like his friend deserved something more than hearing him rattle off a list of his conquests. "My mom and I used to go out and look at the stars. That's how I know so much. Sammy and I kept at it for a little while after she left, but then you know we grew up I guess."

"My mom died," Cas said quietly. "Anna was probably two? Three? My dad was never the same after. It changes you I think, losing the person you think you're going to spend the rest of your life with."

"Yea," Dean replied thickly.

They sat in silence for a while, neither really noticing much more besides the other's breathing and the chirping of the few crickets still brave enough to come out in the chilling weather.

"Do you ever think that there has to be something else out there?" Castiel asked, it was barely a whisper, but Dean heard the misery in his friend's voice and looked over at him.

"Like God or something?"

"Like anything. I mean there has to be something out there, right? Something bigger than all of this. It is arrogant to think that we are all alone. That we are all there is."

"I dunno," Dean said noticing how Castiel's eyelashes stood out starkly against his cheekbones and feeling like his insides were a buzzing hive of bees. "My mom used to say there were angels watching over me and Sammy, but then she left and I always kinda hoped that our angels went with her. Y'know to keep her safe."

"Do you miss her?" he heard from near his ear.

"Do _you_ miss _your_ mom?" Dean snapped back, instantly feeling guilty for getting so defensive when he was finally getting past the mask that the other boy usually wore.

"I hardly remember her." Castiel replied softly, getting up from the table in one smooth motion. Snatching his bag up from where he had sat it down on the bench seat when he had first climbed onto the table.

"Cas!" Dean called, scrambling off of the table and almost falling in his haste to reach his friend who was striding away quickly across the darkened park. "I'm sorry, man."

The other boy turned on him and Dean stopped short, grateful for the moment to catch his breath. "There is nothing to be sorry for. It was insensitive of me to ask about something so personal. We can talk about something else."

"Okay," Dean said clutching his side. "What else do you want to talk about?"

"Girls." Cas said plainly.

The smaller boy needed to hear Dean talk about something that would hurt him. Something that would make the urge to fight or fuck go away. Because right now, he didn't know which one he wanted more. To punch the boy for bringing up his own painful parental shortcomings or kiss away the pain that he had heard in his friend's voice when he had talked about his mother abandoning her family.

His own mother had died and he hadn't even been left with any pictures to remember her by thanks to his father, but while it was still hard to talk about it was much more final than if she had simply left one day and he had been left to wonder what had been so horrible about him that she couldn't bear to stay.

"Weird segway, but ok." The larger boy said steering the two of them back onto their route across the park. "Um, were you seeing anyone in Pontiac?"

Dean wasn't sure he really wanted to hear the answer to that question. What if Cas was pining over someone else he had left behind in his hometown or worse, what if the soft spoken boy he had unintentionally placed on pedestal was just like him; leaving behind a trail of broken-hearted one night stands and waking up in strange beds with no one beside him, smelling of unfamiliar fruity perfumes and nursing a hangover? He didn't know what it would do to him to hear something like that.

"There was someone," Castiel began carefully. "But not in Pontiac. At my old school, in Chicago."

"Was it serious?"

The other boy shrugged and stared resolutely at the ground in front of them, seemingly looking for more roots or holes he might trip in. "I thought it was. But, they were kinda dating me as a joke or maybe a bet, I think. I never really knew the whole story."

So he had been right, some heartless girl had hurt his friend for what? A stupid joke? Dean didn't understand how someone could be anything but grateful to have someone like Cas. He would do anything to have a person as wonderful as Cas. "That's fucked up, man."

"It's ok. It's not like they made be vibrate or anything. But I thought that maybe they could, one day."

"Vibrate?" Dean said waggling his eyebrows at his friend. "That's some kinky shit, bro."

"That is not what I mean, Dean." Castiel said blandly. "It's like…having a current flowing under your skin or um, when you strum a guitar and can feel it reverberate in your chest. Vibrate."

"I think I know what you mean, Cas."

"Have you ever had that?" the smaller boy asked as they rounded the last bend that would lead to the park exit nearest his house.

Dean shook his head, he knew that he hadn't, but he thought he might be able to imagine how it would feel. Maybe a bit like driving Baby on the long stretch of highway between Lawrence and Kansas City, watching the speedometer climb and feeling the wind whipping through the open windows. It may feel a bit like being invincible.

"Maybe we'll get lucky some day." He said laughing off the serious moment and giving his friend a parting clap on the back. "Anyway, I think you can make it from here, man. I'm gonna go back and get my car."

"Thank you for walking me, Dean."

The green-eyed boy shoved his hands in his pockets and awkwardly shuffled his feet. "Anytime, man."

Castiel watched his friend turn and walk away, standing just outside the circle of light cast by the streetlights at the entrance of the park until Dean's leather clad back was no longer visible. The thrumming under his skin hadn't abated. He just wished that the other boy felt it too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I just talk about how tired I am for a second without sounding super whiny? Because I feel like I am dying. With that being said, do you guys see how each chapter is getting longer and longer?! It's to the point that I want to go back and combine other chapters together just so they don't look so wimpy compared to this one.
> 
> Anyway, as glacial as the build in this thing is I can promise you that it is going to be worth it, just stick with me. As always, you guys are wonderful and I love you and you're the only reason I keep brushing my hair every morning. Please review and let me know what I can do to improve the story or if there is something you'd like me to address.


	9. Time After Time

"I want to try something different," Rachel said as Cas settled himself into his favorite chair in front of her desk.

The therapist opened one of the drawers in her desk and pulled out a slender Moleskine notebook that was decorated with a green cassette tape on the cover. She slid the journal across the desk to Castiel who made no move to take it from her. He was still mad at her from their session the week before.

It was right after his first movie night with the gang and he had walked into the office feeling like maybe that today was the day that he would give Rachel a break, finally talk to her about the things that were bothering him. Maybe start small, talk about how Calculus was stressing him the fuck out and then eventually he could work up to the big stuff.

But one look at the older woman's face and Cas had known that this was not going to be the session that made him open up to her. She must have been talking to someone, the lawyers or his father maybe, but he knew that she wouldn't tell Revered Novak anything, patient confidentiality and all that. She had this serious look on her face and her no-nonsense reading glasses on.

Gabriel had been hinting that he needed to start getting his thoughts together for the deposition, but every time he tried to think about it he would feel like his skin was being peeled off and he would just end up in the shower, crying until the hot water ran out and his arms ached from scrubbing away at the filth that wouldn't come off.

And of course that's what Rachel had wanted to talk about. Lake Forrest and Daniel and his father and oldest brother and all of the messed up bullshit that landed him in the hospital. She had prodded and pushed him until he felt like pulling his hair out and he had been a mess of tears and snot and vulnerability that had to be practically carried out of the therapist's office by Gabriel. The older man had wanted to skip their trip to the diner, thinking it would be too much stimulation for the red-eyed Castiel, but the younger boy had insisted that a peanut butter milkshake and Barb's good-natured banter were the only things that would make him feel better.

"Your brother told me that you like music," The woman began gently, placing a pen on top of the notebook.

"It's my 'coping skill'," Castiel replied sarcastically, using the term that the therapist had insisted upon when they had first met and talked about the things he did to help himself calm down, when running wasn't an option.

"Great. Well, I was wondering if you have ever tried writing a song?"

He shrugged. Cas supposed that everyone tried their hand at writing at some point. Most of the things he had written had been for Daniel, angsty little love poems that he had slipped under the other boy's door at Lake Forrest. But since moving to Lawrence he had kept his more poetic notions to himself, smirking when thoughts of comparing Dean's smile to a summer's day floated through his head.

"Do you think that maybe you could write something for me?" Rachel asked, her smile faltering only slightly when Castiel hesitated before he shrugged at her again. "That's wonderful. It can be about whatever you want. This isn't homework or anything. It's just something that you can do when you have the time or when the mood strikes. Now, did you have anything you wanted to talk about today?"

He shook his head and looked down at his hands in his lap. Castiel thinned his lips; he was not going to talk to her. He would write in her stupid fucking journal, but he was done talking to her.

Rachel sighed heavily and pinched the bridge of her nose. "I know you're upset with me, Castiel. But I need you to understand that you are never going to move past all of this if you don't talk to someone. It doesn't have to be me, but you need to find someone that you can let everything out to. It's not healthy keeping all of your emotions bottled up all of the time. Eventually you're going to have another episode."

Episode. That was the P.C. term for trying to kill yourself these days. He had seen it written on countless police reports and heard Gabriel's hushed explanations when he was enrolling Cas and Anna for school. He couldn't stomach the pity he saw in people's faces when they heard about his past and then the curiosity that followed as they tried to figure out exactly how he had tried to do it; searched his arms for scars or wondered if he were the type to swallow a bullet instead. If they had the nerve to ask, he would have told them, but no one ever did.

He shook his head, still not meeting the intense gaze of the blonde woman across from him. "No. I won't. You know that I won't. My episode wasn't exactly what you would call textbook. It's not going to happen again."

"You still need to talk to someone." Rachel did something that she never did, she came out from behind her desk and knelt in front of Castiel, twisting her neck until her own blue eyes met his. "I worry about you."

Cas looked for a trace of insincerity in the counselor's face and found none. He swallowed and let out a shaky breath. "School's going good. Calculus is hard though."

Rachel smiled and patted him on the hand before she moved to the other armchair next to his. Maybe this was what he always needed, someone to show that they actually cared more about what was going on with him now than what had caused him to fall so far in the past.

"Have you thought about tutoring?" She asked amicably.

The younger boy nodded and pushed up the sleeves of the sweater he was wearing. "I have this friend who is in that class with me, Ash, he's really smart. Way smarter than me. I'm terrible at math."

"A friend? That's a big deal, I'm sure he wouldn't mind helping you if you asked him."

"I'll probably do that." Cas said turning in his chair to face the therapist. "I have a couple of friends now. It's really weird. I never thought that someone could like me without wanting something in return. But we watch movies and pick on each other and it's really...easy."

"That's great, Castiel." Rachel beamed; this was why she had spent all of that time huddled over textbooks late at night as her son slept. So that she could reach someone who was drowning and pull them back from the edge.

"I'm going to my first football game tomorrow."

"Excited?"

"Nervous." the boy admitted, blushing slightly. "One of my friends is going to be there and I don't want to mess up in front of him."

Rachel hummed in response, leaving the conversation open for Castiel to expand on his statement if he wished. Sometimes silence was the best way to get someone to talk about what they were thinking.

"I think I might like him."

"This is the first time since Daniel, right?" she asked quietly, not wanting the younger man to shut down again like he had so many times before when she brought up his former classmate.

Castiel bit his lip and nodded slightly. For him, there had never been anyone else besides the charming, enigmatic rugby player at his old school. And for a while, despite the betrayal that ended their tenuous relationship he had just assumed that there never would be anyone else he could have feelings for.

He'd held on to the memories of Daniel's soft smiles and gentle kisses all summer even when the more recent actions of his almost-boyfriend threatened to crowd out the warmth that the only romantic inclinations he had ever had for another person made him feel. Those stolen moments and the few notes that he had saved from the other boy, pressed into the back of a thick Elvis biography that Anna had gotten him for his birthday the previous November, were the only solid pieces of evidence that he had that he hadn't just imagined their time together.

Castiel had almost not packed the book when he was gathering his things at the house in Pontiac, but dread had filled him when he had thought of his eldest brother finding the notes and giving them to someone who could hurt Daniel. Even after all the other boy had put him through, part of him still felt a fierce protectiveness and the rest of him pitied his classmate for not being brave enough to stand by him when things had gotten difficult. So he had brought the notes with him, but had not been able to read them, the book sat at the top of his closet gathering dust and he felt guilty when Anna asked him if he had lost it.

"And how do you feel about that?" Rachel said reaching out to move his hands from where they were griped tightly together.

He absently looked at the crescent shaped marks his nails had left on the back of his right hand from where they had been digging in without him realizing it.

Castiel took a slow deep breath, like he had been taught to do by the staff at the hospital, gathering his thoughts and trying to organize them into what was pertinent to the conversation at hand and what were things he couldn't control, change, or dwell on. As he exhaled he tried to let the negative thoughts and emotions go with the carbon dioxide burning in his lungs. He didn't really feel better, all of that new agey, focus your chakras self-healing stuff didn't work. But his head felt clearer and he thought maybe he could talk about this.

"It's…scary." He began slowly, tilting his head and looking at the therapist who was leaning forward in her chair slightly like her whole body was focusing in on what he was saying. "But, something about how Dean looks at me makes feel like maybe it would be different than last time."

Rachel nodded in understanding, "Have you told him about how you feel?"

"No." Castiel said quickly, shaking his head vigorously from side to side. "He doesn't…most of my friends don't know I'm gay."

"Most?"

"I told this one girl, Jo."

"And what did she say?"

He smiled slightly as he thought of that day in the mall and how Jo had been surreptitiously pointing out cute guys to him since, giving him knowing nudges and winks when Castiel stuttered and blushed in Dean's presence. That damn girl was just too observant for her own good. "She said she already knew."

Rachel chuckled at that, "Sounds like she is doing my job for me."

"I think she knows I like Dean." He admitted. "I don't know what to do. Should I tell him before she does?"

"Do you want him to know?" the therapist asked.

Castiel thought about that for a moment, what it would be like if Dean knew that he liked him. He could see it going a couple of different ways: Dean could completely reject him, call him a faggot and never talk to him again. He could give him a sincere, pitying apology about how he wasn't into guys and then things would be awkward between the two of them and their friendship would be ruined, that was what Castiel was most sure was going to happen.

Or maybe, and he only allowed himself to think of this possibility when he was alone with the other boy, catching the looks Dean gave him when he thought Castiel was doing something else or sitting just a little too closely when they looked at the old yearbooks in the library with Jo during study hall, maybe Dean would smile shyly at him in a way that was entirely different but just as breath-taking as the confident smirks he threw around so easily for the girls at school and it would be different, better than it had been with Daniel.

"I don't know." He answered lamely.

"Well, when you feel ready I'm sure you will find the right way to tell him. You deserve to be happy Castiel."

"Yea," He said picking up the notebook off of the desk in front of him and running his fingers over the cover. "I'm starting to think I do."

* * *

_Football is dumb._ Castiel decided as he watched the Lawrence Lions huddle up with Coach Uriel who was gesturing wildly with a clipboard and seemed to be yelling. The man's booming voice was lost to him though because of the chattering of the fans and the soft trumpeting racket of the band sitting next to him.

It was the first game of the season and the boy could only hope that the away games would be more interesting. There at least would be a change of scenery and other people to talk to; maybe he would get chatted up by someone from another school. That's seemed to be the thing to do.

He watched Dean who was smirking at the other team's cheerleaders who had crossed over to the home side of the track to have a mock tug of war tournament with their own red-clad pom-pomettes. We're you even allowed to flirt with the other team's cheerleaders?

Jo laughed at something Adam was saying to her nearby and Castiel huddled farther into the jacket of his dress uniform miserably. He was thankful it had cooled down as the sun had set because he had been sweltering in the heavy olive green fabric all day. The ROTC had its second inspection of the year that afternoon before the game and Virgil had been more impressed by the cadets than he had the week before when many had been missing the ribbons and stripes that attached to the outer jacket and showed what rank each person had attained.

Dean had gawped at him again this week, whistling softly at the figure Castiel cut in his uniform and after his conversation with Rachel the day before he had decided to start mentally comprising a track list in his head full of stuff he knew Dean liked. Songs that would make him happy while also putting into words how Castiel felt about him. He would have to get some cassettes, and borrow Gabriel's tape deck since his friend refused to upgrade the stereo system in the Impala to something that would play CDs or had an auxiliary port.

The reasoning behind this decision was the major topic of discussion as Dean had driven them to Garth's house for their second movie night together where Ash had chosen The Fifth Element to watch. Castiel had really liked the movie, thought that the underlying love story was cute, but that hadn't stopped him from joining Jo and Ash as they had teased Garth and Dean mercilessly for getting starry-eyed during the romantic climax of the film.

He glanced at the scoreboard and cynically thought that if the players paid more attention to the field and less attention to what was on the sidelines then maybe Lawrence wouldn't be trailing by more than ten points as they neared the close of the second quarter. With less than five minutes on the clock, Virgil signaled that it was time to line up on the track in preparation for their half time performance. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Jo lean down and give Adam a peck on the cheek, brushing some lint off of the other boy's jacket and he resolved to let go of his pettiness for long enough to be happy for his two friends.

Castiel tugged his jacket straight and unfolded himself from where he was sitting on the cold metal bleachers, lollygagging enough that he got stuck behind the tuba players who were carefully trundling down the stairs in front of him. By the time he reached the track, Dean was making a last mad dash for the end zone at the opposite end of the field before the clock ran out and the cheerleaders for the other team were returning to their own side. He noticed that they were giggling and whispering to each other behind their hands as they passed the ROTC and he felt more than one pair of eyes on him.

The clock ran out with a loud buzz and he heard the announcers change topics to the marching program that the band would be performing, three songs off of that popular banjo-y album that had come out earlier in the year. Castiel had heard the songs playing on a fairly heavy rotation on the radio and could sing most of the words to them to himself when he had practiced the marching routines on his own after his early morning runs in the park.

He breathed steadily as the songs began to play around him once they were on the field, in through his nose and out through his mouth so that he wouldn't get winded and careless in the middle of their program. There was only one hairy moment when Gilda fumbled with her rifle and it bounced heavily across his shin before she could retrieve it.

Castiel knew there would probably be a bruise there in the morning, but shook off the girl's apology once they were heading towards the concession stand during the third quarter, telling her she could just buy him a Gatorade and they would be even. He made a mental note to buy more of the rock climbing chalk he used to keep his hands from sweating for the rest of the squad so that they wouldn't have the same problem in the future. The routine wasn't perfect, but it was something that he and Adam both agreed that they could build on.

Castiel wasn't very surprised when the lions won the game, he had heard the fight song blaring out from the band so many times that night that he had a headache and all he wanted to do was go home, down some Tylenol, and listen to soft quiet music until he fell asleep. Despite his tiredness, he allowed himself to be swept along by Jo and Garth, who had appeared suddenly during the last quarter of the game with Becky Rosen in tow and laughing off the sight of Adam and their friend cuddled up together on the bleachers like it didn't bother him, down to the writhing mass of spectators who had flooded the field in exultation.

Cas kept catching glimpses of red clad shoulder pads suspended under tan skin and light brown hair and his heart leapt in his throat every time even though it kept turning out to be some other player and not Dean. The longer he milled through the crowd getting separated from his friends in the process, the dumber he felt for being so silly, but something about the excitement of the fans around him and the buzzing of the stadium lights made him feel like he was living in a sappy, romantic comedy and any minute now the hero was going to sweep him up and they would kiss triumphantly, the camera panning out until they were lost in the crush of the crowd surrounding them.

"Cas!"

He spun when he heard his name called, finally spotting Dean near the bleachers for the visiting team seemingly oblivious to the dirty looks he was getting from the golden-clad players and parents milling around despondently as they gathered their things to make the drive back to their own school across town. Castiel didn't notice the unfamiliar girl until he was almost right upon the pair, he was just so focused on Dean and how perfect he looked in his uniform even though he was all sweaty and dirty and ruffled.

When he did notice her, he couldn't help appraising her for what it was that his friend saw in her, his stomach twisting in anxious unfamiliar jealousy when he saw that Dean had that look on his face that he got when he was trying to charm another person. It looked fake and he wondered how none of the girls that were allowed to pass through Dean's life, be close to the other boy in a way that he wasn't able to be, didn't see that they were only getting a glimpse at the wonderful, amazing, sincere person behind the smirks and flirtatious compliments. Maybe he should just be grateful that he got the genuine part of Dean even if he never got anything else.

"Hey man," Dean said pulling him in for a one-armed brotherly embrace. "This is Cassie. She's going to a party. Wanna come with?"

Castiel looked at the girl in front of him. She looked like she wanted to correct Dean, tell him the invitation wasn't meant to be extended to his friends, but was just too polite to say so. He supposed she was pretty, with caramel colored skin that practically glowed in her gold and black cheerleading outfit and tightly curled hair pulled up into a high ponytail, probably very nice too, but that still didn't stop him from hating her just a little bit.

"That's ok, Dean. You go. Have fun." He shrugged off the arm on his shoulders and started to make his way back towards the parking lot on the home side of the field, he had asked Jo to give him a lift home and he knew that she got snappy when she had to wait on someone.

"Hey, wait." Dean said jogging after him.

Castiel stopped closing his eyes and willing his heart to stop pounding in his chest, there was not going to be a movie moment. Stop being stupid. He forced a smile on his face and spun on his heel, nearly colliding with Dean and the two stood chest to chest for a moment, looking at each other before Dean took a hesitant step back, running a hand over the back of his neck and glancing behind himself at Cassie.

"You're going to Jo's birthday party tomorrow, right?"

"Of course I am," Cas replied tersely not bothering to hide his irritation at having been asked such a pointless question.

Dean nodded thoughtfully looking down at the ground and the smaller boy shifted on his feet with annoyance. "Just making sure. I'll text you later, ok? After I get home? Is that okay?"

Castiel was irritated; he didn't want to talk to Dean about whatever it was that he was going to do with Cassie at some stupid party where his friend was sure to not know anyone else except for the girl who was looking longingly at Dean's jersey clad back. But he didn't think his friend was the type to brag so maybe he would be spared the specifics of whatever it was that Dean got up to with the girl's he cavorted around with.

"It's fine, Dean. Do whatever you want." He replied shortly and felt bad when Dean winced as it came out sharper than Castiel had intended it to.

He strode off and didn't look back to see if Dean went back to the girl waiting for him. He already knew that he had.

When Cas got home that night the first thing he did was plug in his cell phone, it was almost dead from being off of the charger all day and if Dean did bother to try to contact him, he didn't want to miss it because of something dumb like a dead battery. Then he turned on some music, Kate Nash went a long way towards cheering him up usually and he cranked the speakers on his laptop loud enough that he would be able to hear the singing in his ensuite bathroom while he showered.

His thoughts turned back to how he had chosen to tell Dean about how he felt. After tossing and turning for most of the night Castiel had pulled out the journal Rachel had given him and stared at the blank lined pages inside. He had meant to start writing a letter, something that he would never send and therefore would be a way that he could get all of his feelings out without risking losing his friend. But nothing had come.

Eventually he gave up and went and rifled through his CDs for something that would put him to sleep, when he came across an old mix CD that Gabriel had made him when he was trying to instill an appreciation of 80s music in him that would never ever exist, he had the idea. He used music for so many things, to hide from the world, to help him deal with his nightmares and self-doubt; maybe it could help him with this too.

When he checked his phone on his way to bed, making the touch screen flash at him as he turned off the lamp that sat on his bedside table he was surprised to see he had several missed texts from Dean.

 **Dean:** This party sucks.

 **Dean:** I wish you were here so that I had someone to talk to.

 **Dean:** Are you asleep already? Dude, that's lame.

Castiel smiled as he read through the messages and settled on his back, arms above his head as he typed out a reply.

 **Cas:** I am not asleep yet.

 **Dean:** Yessssss. I left the party, it was boring.

 **Cas:** You ditched your date.

 **Dean:** Who? Cassie?

 **Cas:** Yea her

 **Dean:** Not a date. I don't date.

Castiel chose to ignore the second part of that text, surely if Dean were to miraculously decide he was madly in love with him then their situation would be different.

 **Cas:** Jo's party should be better.

 **Dean:** Dude, you have no idea. Her parties are insane and her mom is super cool about the drinking thing.

They talked for a while about the party and how Ellen, Jo's mom, usually required any minors who were drinking to turn their keys over to her and they would be returned in the morning over pancakes and bacon. Castiel didn't think he would be drinking, but it would be interesting to stay the night over at Jo's house. With Dean.

When Cas fell asleep, it was deep and dreamless, probably the first time it had been so since leaving Pontiac when most of his nights were spent having terrifyingly familiar nightmares or uncomfortable dreams he couldn't remember but left him nauseous when he woke from them. His cell phone was forgotten, lost in the blankets that wound around his sleeping form and it buzzed several more times after he slipped off before finally it went black.

* * *

Dean was drunk and he knew that he was drunk. He had long ago passed the point where his back teeth felt pleasantly numb when he clicked them together, his patented test that he was still sober enough to drive home and probably hadn't said anything embarrassing yet. He felt like that at one point he had been drinking with the express purpose of getting hammered, that he was ticked off about something, but he couldn't really remember what.

He felt a warm body pressed up against him and looked over from where he sat on the couch to see a girl plastered against him, her legs draped over his knees as she talked in a voice that sounded like the teacher from Charlie Brown. All, whaghwhaghwhagh and distorted.

 _Cassie_ his swimming brain supplied.

When he had left her party the night before he had promised to call, but she hadn't let him go until he had made solid plans with her. So Dean invited her to the only social event that he was going to where he could shrug her off without seeming like a complete asshole. Jo had friends from a lot of different schools, a hazard of the part-time job she had at the public pool as a lifeguard over the summer and all of the volunteer work she did with the Young Democrats and Dean figured there would be at least one person he could foist Cassie off on.

He nodded at the girl and took a swig at the lukewarm beer he had been thrilled to find that he was holding onto. Dean knew he had left her party for a reason. What had it been?

That's right, Cas. He had felt weird for going when it seemed like Cas was mad at him and despite Cassie's best efforts all he could think about was the look on his friend's face as he had walked up to him talking to the girl after the game. Like he was hurt and then he had snapped at him and Dean had been terrified that he had done something that would make Cas not want to be friends with any of them anymore. If anyone were going to do something like that, Dean was pretty sure it was going to be him. No one could stand to put up with his bullshit for too long unless they were special.

Dean smiled blearily at his beer. Cas was special. And smart. And funny. And, god, when he did that tilting thing with his head, he was just so fucking cute.

_Whoa. Weird place to go with that._

He craned his neck and looked around the room, hoping to spot one of his friends so that he could laugh with them about the silly, ridiculous thoughts he was having. All of these people were his friends, or they said they were. He spotted several guys from the football team, no Alistair or Azazel, a couple of underclassmen hovering around that Tran kid, Sammy was over in the corner talking to Cas's brother who was far from being the oldest person in attendance and that better be soda in the red plastic cup the younger boy was holding. No Jo, No Garth, No Ash.

No Cas.

Where the fuck was everyone?

Dean pouted for a moment and finished off the last warm dregs of his beer. He debated for a second before he decided with a nod that, yes, he needed another drink. That felt like the best idea he had had all night. He pushed himself to his feet unsteadily, ignoring Cassie's cry of disappointment as her legs fell back to the floor and waving her off when she made to follow him.

"Be right back," he slurred and set off towards the kitchen.

He struggled to walk in a straight line and not bump into any of the people who were standing in small clusters and talking over the music that was playing from Jo's stereo system. Once he made it to the doorway of the kitchen, having only been waylaid once by Sam who told him that Gabriel was going to give him a ride home when he left, he leaned heavily on the doorframe and took in the scene before him.

There they were!

Jo was seated at the kitchen table, dishing out pieces of birthday cake to anyone who wanted one with the help of Adam who was hovering over her shoulder. Ash was playing quarters at the kitchen counter with some guys from a couple of other schools that he knew from the skate park. Garth was chatting with Anna Novak amicably as he poured her a glass of soda and Cas, well that's what the problem was wasn't it?

He suddenly remembered why he hadn't stopped drinking after they had sang happy birthday to Jo, which had been his original plan since he wanted to keep his wits about him enough to be able to avoid Cassie once he finally got rid of her. Dean felt his stomach turn and hoped that he wouldn't be sick in front of everyone like some freshman who couldn't hold his liquor.

Meg fucking Masters

Of all of the people that Jo could have set Cas up with, why did it have to be Meg Masters? The girl was not right for him at all, she was obnoxious and aggressive and she would surely make Cas uncomfortable with her innuendo and the way she draped herself over anything male that stood still for longer than ten seconds. Dean had never liked her and when he had first seen Cas with the girl at the beginning of the night he had hoped that Jo was playing an unfunny joke on him.

Cas was looking cozy with Meg at the far edge of the room, standing silhouetted in the open arch of the back door and talking to each other intimately.

Dean clenched his fists at his side as Meg's gaze flicked over to him, a sly smirk settling on her face as she pulled Castiel by the edge of the navy blue cardigan the boy was wearing to whisper something in his ear. The other boy looked up at her and Dean thought he had an expression of surprise and fear on his face before he turned and looked straight at Dean.

He felt his breath catch in his throat as his friend's blue eyes settled on him and he forced a shaky, intoxicated smile on his face. As much as he may think Meg was a manipulative self-serving bitch, he really did just want Cas to be happy and damnit, if that harpy was what did it for him then Dean was going to fucking be supportive.

Dean swallowed hard and sauntered over to Cas with as much steadiness as he could muster. The light coming through the doorway made Castiel look like he was glowing, every eyelash standing out sharply and each tiny movement magnified a million times over for Dean. The way the other boy licked his lips nervously as Dean approached made him feel like the breath had been knocked out of him and his fingers tingled in a way that was similar to the pins and needles feeling of blood rushing back into a limb that had fallen asleep.

"Hey Cas," he said trying hard to keep the slur out of his voice as he spoke.

"Hello, Dean." Castiel said turning towards his friend.

Dean racked his brain for some excuse he could use to get Cas away from Meg. He probably shouldn't be interfering, but he felt all the way down to his toes that the other boy deserved something better than the short, dark-haired she-devil he was standing with.

"I need your help with something," Dean managed in a burst of what his alcohol addled brain thought was brilliant spontaneity.

"I'm kinda busy right now," Cas replied, the gaze of his blue eyes flittering over to the girl at his side who still hadn't stopped with that annoying fucking smirk.

"C'mon, Cas." Dean whined, reaching out and grabbing hold of his friend's hand, tugging slightly to break the loose grip that Meg still had on Cas's sweater. "It'll take five minutes."

He dragged Castiel away from Meg, taking a moment to be pleased that his plan had worked so flawlessly as he navigated around the crush of bodies in the small house and searched for somewhere he could stash Cas until he told Jo that Meg needed to get lost. Dean focused on moving in a straight line and the warm grip of the other boy's hand helped ground him, bring him back from being too far gone to realize how much he liked the feel of Castiel's smooth skin against his own.

Dean stopped outside of a small door and debated for a moment, it wasn't the best option, but he was pretty sure that at this point in the night most of the other rooms would have amorous couples in compromising positions and he didn't want to subject Cas to something as awkward as that. He looked over his shoulder at Castiel and gnawed on his lip before pushing open the door and pulling the other boy inside.

"You need help with…laundry?" Cas asked incredulously looking around the room Dean had dragged him to.

Dean walked over to the dryer and hopped up to sit on it, smiling widely at Castiel and thumping his feet on the metal sides of the machine.

"I…" He said drawing out the word and twirling a finger at his confused looking friend. "Rescued you."

"Rescued me? From what?"

"Meg Masters." Dean said seriously, steadying himself with his hands on the edge of the dryer. He felt like he was sitting really high up and giggled slightly when he thought of Cas catching him and rescuing him back.

"Meg? I didn't need rescued from her, Dean." Castiel replied crossing his arms over his chest and milling around the tiny room, stopping to lean against the space next to his friend and watching carefully as Dean swayed and laughed to himself.

"Well if you would rather talk to her," Dean complained feeling suddenly stupid for dragging Cas away from his date. He was stupid so very stupid, of course his friend would want to talk to a hot girl instead of his drunken friend. He gestured wildly towards the door with both hands, tilting forward precariously. "Then go ahead. No one's stopping you."

Castiel moved suddenly, reaching out a hand to steady him and moving until he was standing between Dean's legs and holding him up.

"You're drunk." The smaller boy declared as he observed Dean who was still smiling but staring at him intently now.

"And you're pretty." Dean blurted before he could stop himself.

He immediately felt the blush starting on his neck and ears as it creeped up his face. He _had not_ meant to say that out loud. It was supposed to be one of those weird little things he had been thinking about the other boy all night to himself. Things that were true, but that he probably wouldn't remember in the morning.

Castiel froze and Dean felt the fingers on the hand that was holding him up tighten on his arm for a second.

 _Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck_. This was it, this was the thing that was going to make everything awkward and why couldn't he have just kept his big dumb mouth shut?

A small smile twitched at the corners of Cas's mouth and Dean released a breath he hadn't realized that he had been holding.

"Men are handsome, Dean. Not pretty."

Dean burst out laughing and allowed himself to fall forward onto his friend catching the smaller boy in a tight hug that would've been a lot more uncomfortable if he had stopped drinking when he had intended to. His face fell naturally into the crook of Castiel's neck and he couldn't help himself from inhaling that minty, spicey scent of the other boy's body that he had noticed lingering in the locker rooms when he came in from football practice and the other boy was doing up the laces of his shoes, never having allowed himself to be caught even partially disrobed around the football team again.

Castiel reached up the hand that had been on Dean's arm and draped it across the larger boy's back, returning the hug with a comforting pat. Dean laughed until he couldn't remember what had been so freaking funny and allowed the sound to dissipate until he was just holding onto Cas, letting the other boy shoulder most of his weight and not wanting to let go.

It started out as a faint trembling in his legs, something that he hardly noticed and then it moved up to his stomach and arms until he could feel the faint buzzing inside his skull. If his life had a soundtrack, Dean figured that something sappy would be playing right about now and the knots he had had in his stomach since the first time he had seen Cas with Meg earlier in the night finally eased.

"Hey, Cas?" He mumbled into his friend's neck. He could feel his lips brushing against Cas's skin as he spoke, they were so close. It would be so easy to—

"Hmmm?" Castiel replied sounding sleepy and content.

"Remember that thing you asked me about the vibrating?"

"Yea," his friend replied and Dean felt the other boy turn his head slightly above him until his mouth was right next to Dean's ear.

"I think I get it," he said softly. "But I feel it mostly in my legs. Is that weird or what?"

Castiel sighed heavily and Dean felt the huff of air against his hair as the smaller boy pulled away from the embrace. He immediately noticed the cold that seeped in when Cas pulled back and he allowed his hands to slide down to his friend's forearms in an effort to keep him close for reasons he wouldn't be able to explain if anyone asked him.

"That's just my phone." The other boy replied, sounding slightly defeated as he reached for the device in his pocket.

Dean didn't know why he did it. Maybe he wanted to prove something, to himself or Cas he didn't know, but he rushed his own hand into Castiel's pocket before the other boy could and pulled out the buzzing phone. He brought the device to his ear, his gaze stayed locked on and challenging as he answered.

"Castiel's phone. He's a bit busy right now, can I take a message?"

"Who is this?" A hysterical sounding female voice said into his ear, she sounded like she was crying and Dean pulled the phone away from his ear in confusion for a moment. "Where is Castiel? I need to talk to my brother, put him on!"

Dean held out the phone for Cas, confusion and concern warring across his face. "I think its Anna."

Castiel took the phone out of his hand quickly and held it to his ear.

"Anna? What's going on?" His gaze flickered up to Dean for a moment before he frowned deeply and turned away, putting his back toward the larger man and moving towards the doorway of the laundry room. "No. You did the right thing. Just get him in the car. Yes. Yes. I'll be right there. Just lock the car. I'm coming."

He whipped open the door and Dean stumbled to his feet off of the dryer to follow. Castiel held out a hand to stop him and he moved until he felt the flat of the smaller boy's palm pressed against his chest. It helped to steady him, the touch of his friend once again making him feel like the world was less dull around the edges and he hoped like hell that he would remember this feeling in the morning.

"Dean. I have to go, something's happened with my brother and…well. I've got to take him home."

Dean nodded dumbly, he could understand family obligation. He swallowed hard. "Are you coming back?"

"I'll try," Castiel said running a hand anxiously through his hair. He bit his lip indecisively and his eyes widened slightly when Dean took another step closer to him. "Just…fuck. I'll try, ok?"

"Ok," Dean said steadily, his legs still felt like they were tingling and he was starting to think it was something more than the alcohol or numbness or a cell phone vibrating.

Castiel tapped his fingers on his chest once and darted out the door, disappearing down the hallway and out the front door of the house before Dean even fully realized that he was gone.

He took a shaky breath and looked down at his hands. What was all of _that_? Not just Castiel leaving so suddenly, but all of that stuff about him calling Cas pretty and Cas not freaking out about it? And… wanting to kiss Castiel's neck.

 _NO!_ He couldn't go there. And now _Dean_ was freaking out about it. What the fuck was going on with him? God, he needed another drink.

* * *

Gabriel was a fucking mess, angry looking smears of blood and dirt tracked across his face and he had a decently sized tear in his favorite Cyndi Lauper t-shirt. Castiel did his best to mop him up, pulling out the small first aid kit that his older brother had first bought for the house when they had moved to Lawrence. Cas had assumed that if any of the supplies inside ever had to be used it would be on him since he tended to get hurt the most, but he was able to figure out what antiseptics would be best for Gabriel's cuts without too much trouble.

Sam hovered worriedly over his shoulder, refusing to let the cut on his forehead be looked at until he was sure that Gabe was going to be ok.

Cas dabbed at the small cuts on his brother's mouth and eyebrow, noting that the amount of blood on the other man's face made the damage look a lot worse than it actually was.

"Cassie, I'm fine." Gabriel groused underneath him, giving Sam apologetic looks over his younger brother's shoulder. "Go back to your party. Sam and Anna will help me."

"No." he replied firmly, dabbing on the liquid bandage gunk he found in the kit and then helping his older brother prop up better from where he was mostly lying down on their living room couch. "Are you going to tell me exactly what happened?"

He looked back at Sam who was wringing his hands nervously and giving Gabe a pleading look.

"I told you," Gabriel growled, grudgingly accepting the ice pack that Anna had gone to fetch for him and placing it against the bruise that was forming on his jaw with a wince. "Some asshole was hitting on Anna. Wouldn't take no for an answer so I stepped in. Did my brotherly duty."

"Bullshit." Castiel said simply rising up from where he was sitting on the coffee table and moving to throw away the used cotton balls in the waste basket. "Try to remember who you're talking to for a minute, Gabe."

He watched as his older brother's jaw clenched and Gabe's eyes turned onto Sam who gave him a small nod and a shaky smile. Gabriel reached out a hand to the younger man and Sam moved quickly to sit on the edge of the couch next to him, taking the hand and bringing it up to his mouth for a soft kiss on the older man's bloody knuckles.

Castiel nodded stiffly, "That's what I thought. Anna isn't even upset except about you being hurt and both of you look like you got the shit beat out of you. Who was it?"

"Just some idiots from the college I think," Sam said breaking eye contact with Gabriel for a moment to look at Castiel. "Are you going to tell Dean?"

"I don't really think it's my business to tell. Why? Do you think he will have a problem with it?"

Sam shrugged, adjusting Gabriel's icepack so that it covered more of the rapidly darkening skin. "Probably not. If anything it will be because Gabe's older."

"You used that pepper spray like a pro, Anna-banana." Gabriel said smiling at their younger sister who was lingering teary-eyed in the doorway of the living room.

Castiel couldn't help but agree, he didn't think he would ever be prouder of his little sister than he had been when he had ran out of Jo's house to see her standing over three men twice her size just outside of the Cadillac, wielding a small pink can of pepper spray and shouting the most colorful obscenities he had ever heard anyone use.

"Thanks guys," She said quietly, biting her lip to keep it from trembling. "I'd do it again. In a fucking heartbeat."

"You should go back, Cas." Sam said standing and taking his jacket off before sitting back down next to Gabe and lifting the older man gently to help him remove his own coat. "You can keep the story from becoming too out of control."

"Yea," he sighed running a tired hand over his face. Cas figured he should probably do damage control, especially if he wanted to help Sam out by allowing him to tell Dean in his own time, a luxury that hadn't been afforded to Castiel when everything came out.

He grabbed Gabriel's car keys from where he had dropped them in the bowl by the door and turned the monstrous car back towards Jo's house. Cas pulled up in front of the residence, noticing that there were considerably fewer cars, but that Dean's sleek black Impala was still where it had been all night parked next to Jo's truck.

Castiel crept into the house, ready to be assaulted with all kinds of wild stories that were probably mostly true about what had happened to make Anna mace three frat boys. It was eerily quiet and he followed the soft noise of music to find Jo and Adam curled up on the couch in the living room, watching a movie with sleepy eyes. Ash was sprawled out in a nearby armchair, still clutching a can of PBR in his hand as he snored open-mouthed with his head thrown back. There were several people he didn't know spread out on the floor with pillows and blankets, snoozing in a gentle alcohol-induced slumber.

He went over to the couch and nudged Jo gently until she cracked a bleary eye at him.

"Where's Dean?" he asked quietly.

"Somewhere," she mumbled. "Check the guest bedroom."

"Which is where?"

"Down the hall, second on the left." She replied gesturing vaguely towards the hallway.

He nodded and crept down the hallway, fumbling one-handed against the wall so that he wouldn't trip over any of the bottles and cans that were scattered around on the floor. Castiel stopped at the second door on the left and started to open the door.

"Dean," he heard a breathy, feminine voice carry out of the room. "Yes, right there."

His heart stopped. _Nononononono_

"Cas, you're so beautiful." Dean's voice groaned softly from around the door, now that he was paying attention he could hear it. The tell-tale creaks of old bedsprings and the soft slap of skin on skin.

Castiel shut the door quickly and fled down the hallway, fighting the tears that were welling up in his eyes.

He had thought that Dean was trying to tell him something before he left to help Gabriel. It had felt so good, so right to hold onto him and when Dean had asked him if he was coming back Cas had allowed himself to believe it was because his friend _wanted_ him to come back; wanted him in a way that was more than just because the other boy was obviously drunk.

Cas stumbled out of the back door and fell down the stairs that led from the porch to the yard. He landed on his face, palms stinging as he caught himself from busting his lip open, clutching at the ground until he could feel the grass ripping up under his fingers and letting out shaky sobs that were so painfully familiar. He was so tired of letting himself be fooled into thinking that other people cared about him.

_No one cares, you're disgusting. A deviant. I told you before, God doesn't let people like you be happy._

NO. He needed to calm down. Castiel refused to let the voices tear him down even farther, he could control them. He had to control them. He sat up and pulled his knees to his chest, trembling as the sobs became steadily less violent and he felt like he could start thinking about getting up and driving himself home.

"You okay there, Clarence?" A female voice called out to him from the dark.

His head whipped up and he saw a hammock slug between two trees that were standing about ten feet away from where he was sitting. A dark head popped up over the edge and he sighed when he saw that it was Meg.

"I'm fine." He said hollowly, feeling emptier inside than he had since school started.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really," Castiel got to his feet, dusting off the dirt and grass that clung to him and then inspecting his hands, grimacing when he saw how much filth was under his nails.

"Well, come on then. We don't have to talk." She flapped a blanket at him.

Castiel crossed over to the hammock and watched as the small woman scooted over and he climbed in the swaying seat beside her. He gratefully took the portion of the blanket that she offered him and shivered from things that he couldn't attribute to the cold. They lay shoulder to shoulder and Castiel thought back to the one time he had been invited to a sleepover when he was younger. This wasn't really what he had been expecting when he had been messaging Dean the night before. A strangled sound escaped him and he felt a small warm hand wrap around his own shaking fingers.

"He doesn't know what he's missing," Meg said softly beside him and he closed his eyes as he felt a surge of emotion course through him.

She had had him pegged from the first moment she met him and the small outspoken woman had called him on his feelings for Dean within two minutes of seeing both boys in the same room together. How anyone could be that perceptive, he had no idea. But he liked that she spoke her mind, it was refreshing. He didn't have to guess or question if she had ulterior motives, she had told him that she was going to make it look like she was flirting with him to make Dean jealous. He had thought it was funny and pointless and had just let her get on with it, not expecting it to work. And he guessed it had worked a little bit.

Castiel squeezed her hand and let all of the emotions he had felt throughout the last couple of days course through him. He was so very tired. The pair stared up at the stars that they could see through the branches of the trees until their breathing deepened and sleep overtook them.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise I don't do this on purpose, okay that's a lie. I just want to write something that's genuine, no one's life is perfect and a lot of times things get fucked up before they get better. Don't be sad, everything is going to work out. I promise.
> 
> As always, that you for reading, reviewing, and being generally awesome.


	10. Don't Wanna Miss a Thing

"Ellen, where's the pancakes?" Dean asked as he shuffled into Jo's crowded kitchen. "Bacon?"

The group of people crowded around the dining room table had fallen silent as he entered the room and he figured he must look like hell to get that kind of reaction, his mouth tasted gritty, like dirt and sand and the stuff you find stuck on the bottom of ashtrays. He had found out a little too late to protest that Cassie was a smoker and now he felt like he reeked of tobacco and had spent the night in bed with the Marlboro Man. Though when Ash had woken him up with a sharp kick to the mattress he was laying on he never would've known that he had spent the night with anyone because the space next to him was empty.

He shrugged off the abandonment and tried not to let his face show how much it bothered him, which was surprisingly a lot less than it had bothered him when Cas had left to help with whatever it was that Anna and Gabriel had needed him for.

Dean could remember blurred images of hanging out with Cas in a laundry room and the phantom feeling of a broad hand on his chest, but that was about it. He had the distinct feeling that something important had been happening or about to happen, but then Cassie had pounced on him as soon as he had reentered the living room and he had drank until all he could remember was warm skin and dark hair and moans and the smell of minty perfume.

"We're eating kolaches and donuts," Ellen said from where she was pouring out cups of coffee into what looked like every mug in the house and then getting another batch started.

"Aww, mom." He said affectionately moving over to snag his favorite Batman mug and drop a kiss on Ellen's cheek. "You spoil us."

"Well, it wasn't me," the older woman said pushing Dean away with a wrinkled nose. "Cas and Meg went and got them for everyone before I was even awake. You stink, honey."

Dean frowned, not because his friend's mom told him he smelled, he was already pretty sure he stunk of all of the beer and whisky he had sweated out in his sleep wrapped up in mentholated cigarettes and stale body spray, but because Cas had come back. For Meg.

Now, he couldn't remember much of last night, but the parts that he did remember were predominately centered around Castiel and the other boy telling him that he would come back or at least try to so that he could hang out with Dean. When had Cas come back? It had to have been after he had gone to bed with Cassie because he would've noticed the boy's return otherwise, he had been waiting for him, refused to leave the living room for almost an hour so that he could watch the front door.

"Cas and…Meg?" Dean asked looking around the room to see if anyone else found the pairing as ridiculous as he did.

Jo's expression was stony and Ash's wasn't much better. Adam was giving him a sympathetic look, but kept glancing at the blonde next to him to see if she was going to notice. Garth was the only one who spoke up and what he had to say just made the bottom fall out of Dean's stomach.

"Yea, they were asleep in the hammock out back this morning."

"Is Cas still here?" he asked. Half of the room looked at him like it was the most inconsiderate question he could ever utter.

"I think they're on the back porch." Adam said grimacing when Jo dug an elbow sharply into his side. "OW!"

Dean walked quickly over to the back door and looked out through the screen; Castiel and Meg were sitting on the porch swing, backs leaned up against the armrests and talking to each other softly. Cas was smiling at something Meg was saying and when he replied the small woman reached out to give him a playful slap on the arm.

He pushed open the door and stepped out on to the porch, Meg's eyes widened when she saw him approach and he heard her say, "Here he comes."

So they had been talking about him, probably laughing about something stupid he did last night when he was drunk and god, didn't that thought just hurt Dean more than it should. He was always doing and saying dumb things at parties, why should it make any difference that Cas was laughing about it with some girl he had known for less than twenty four hours.

"Hey Cas," Dean managed to choke out as he stood in front of the porch swing, ignoring Meg and wishing his friend would look over at him instead of staring down at the chipped green mug in his hand like it held all of the fucking answers of the universe or something.

"Dean," Cas greeted him sounding different, harder and more brittle towards him than he usually did.

"Um," He searched for something to say, squinting out at the sunlit grass and rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. "You came back."

Castiel nodded at his coffee cup and Dean could feel Meg's eyes burning into the side of his face. He glanced over at her and felt his blood run cold at the look she was giving him. Like she wanted to push him out of a very tall building and watch him fall onto a bunch of pointy things that would hurt him in sensitive places.

"I must have been asleep or something. I didn't know you were back." He said with a nervous chuckle. Dean saw a crease appear in between Castiel's eyebrows and when his friend spoke again it came out broken sounding.

"Yea, or something."

"Listen, Brett Farve can you leave us alone? We were kinda in the middle of a conversation." Meg said her voice sounding dangerous and laced with venom.

"I'll go if Cas wants me to go." Dean said giving her a nasty look, one fucking date and the girl was already being a jealous, possessive bitch.

There was silence for a second as both he and Meg looked at Castiel who was picking at his nails and biting on his bottom lip so hard that Dean was worried it would start bleeding if he didn't stop.

 _Please just look at me_ , he thought desperately. _Just look at me so that I know that I didn't say something stupid to make you not want me around anymore and I'll leave you alone with your new girlfriend. Fucking look at me, Cas!_

"Can you go, Dean?" Cas asked softly still not meeting Dean's eyes as he looked off past him somewhere out in the yard. "Meg and I were talking."

"Fine," he spat and stormed off the porch, tossing his Batman mug out into the tall grass at the edge of Jo's yard and hoping it broke into a million fucking pieces.

He slammed angrily into the Impala and peeled out of Jo's driveway, gravel spitting up behind him and pinging off the side of the house and the cars that were still parked around the front yard. Dean pulled out his phone and dialed Sam's number; he needed to see if his little brother had made it home last night. Focus on something that would take his mind off of the empty feeling in his chest.

"Heeey brother,"Sam crowed at him through the phone. "What's up?"

"Gabe get you home alright?"

He heard the sharp intake of breath over the sound of his car's rumbling engine and immediately knew something was up. "Actually, um…I'm over at his house right now. Do you think you can come and get me? I need to talk to you."

"Yea, what's the address."

Sam rattled off the address and Dean knew it was near Stonegate Park on the opposite side from where Garth's house was so he headed in that direction and kept his eye out for the street name that his younger brother had told him.

He pulled up to a nice looking two story house, it was painted a off-whiteish cream color with cheery looking blue shutters and a novelty mailbox of a mermaid next to the walk leading up to the front door. It wasn't really what he had imagined when he had been trying to think of what Castiel's house would look like, maybe he had been hoping it wouldn't be so homey and inviting looking.

Dean parked the Impala on the street and walked up to the front porch, noticing that there were several hummingbird feeders hanging up and a muddy pair of running shoes that could only belong to Cas sitting by the front door. He rang the bell, expecting Sam to just come out and meet him and they would talk in the car on the way home. So he was kinda surprised when Anna greeted him at the doorway and invited him in.

"Take your shoes off, "She said pointing at a shoe rack near the doorway. "Gabe likes to think that we keep an Asian household."

"Whatever that means," Dean muttered toeing off his boots and stacking them next to a pair of shoes that he recognized as Sam's.

"I know," Anna said rolling her eyes affectionately as she led him into the living room.

Dean looked around the space noticing that there were a lot of family pictures. Most of them seemed pretty recent, one on the mantle above the fireplace that caught his attention showing a wan looking Cas standing in front of the house with Anna and Gabriel on either side holding a realtor sign that said 'SOLD' in big black letters on it. There were a couple more, grainy older ones that looked like they had been printed off from a computer showing Anna at a ballet recital and Gabriel wearing a birthday party hat tipped at a roughish angle and Cas in his ROTC uniform, smiling widely and holding a large trophy.

"Do you want something to drink or anything?" Anna asked picking up a book off of the coffee table and moving towards the doorway. "Sam'll be down in just a minute. I think he was getting dressed or something."

Why the hell was Sammy running around the Novak house undressed? He couldn't possibly be hooking up with Anna and he was way too big to fit into Cas's or Gabe's clothes if he borrowed something to sleep in.

"Um, bathroom?" Dean asked feeling weird about just being left alone in the living room to wait on Sam.

"Upstairs, to the right. Across from Castiel's room, it's the one with the big Elvis poster on the door. You can't miss it." Anna replied already cracking her book back open as she wandered away.

Dean waved a hand at her in thanks even though the younger girl wasn't paying attention to him anymore and made his way up the stairs. He stopped when he saw the black and white poster covered doorway and managed to hesitate for a couple of seconds before his curiosity won him over and he cracked the door to his friend's bedroom with a furtive glance around the hallway.

He was immediately hit with the clean, spearminty scent that always seemed to hover around his friend and he leaned into the room as his eyes adjusted to the dim light that managed to make its way around the edges of the thick dark curtains that hung over the widow. Dean could make out an unmade bed, a decently sized stereo sitting next to a mountainous pile of haphazardly stacked CDs on a desk, posters for bands on the walls, and clothes scattered around on the floor.

In short, it pretty much looked like every other teenage boy's room that Dean had ever seen, but this was Cas's room and he just knew that somewhere in the space lurked the answer to why he thought his new friend was so awesome, so different from anyone else he had met before.

Castiel didn't pretend to like things just to make other people happy; he was genuine to the point of bluntness in regards to his opinions. But he was still willing to try anything once, he ate the mystery surprise meal that the cafeteria dished out once a week and declared it 'not bad'. Cas got Dean's cheesy jokes and looked at him with this serious deadpan expression when he thought Dean was being a jerk. He called everyone on their bullshit, but was just so nice about it that no one could bother with getting mad.

And he liked Meg.

Where the hell had that come from? Dean thought he knew enough about Cas to be able to pick the kind of person his friend would like, but did he really? He never would've put Meg and Cas together, but based on what he had seen on the porch earlier it seemed to be working out. He would ask his friend what he saw in the girl, but Cas was mad at him and Dean just wished he could remember what he did to drive his friend away.

"Dean, what are you doing?"

"Sonofabitch!" Dean said jumping about a foot in the air when he heard his little brother's voice behind him. He turned around guiltily to face the other boy, letting Castiel's bedroom door swing shut behind him. "When did you get so stealth, Sammy?"

His brother was giving him a weird look and Dean started running through excuses he could give for why he was trying to sneak into his friend's bedroom when the other boy wasn't home.

"I-I uh was just looking for the bathroom. No toilet here."

"Whatever," Sam said, running a hand through his shaggy brown hair. "Can we talk now? It's kinda important."

"Yea, let's head home. I need some coffee and Captain Crunch is sounding pretty good right about now," Dean wrapped an arm around his little brother's shoulders, having to reach up slightly to do so and started to head towards the stairs.

"Actually, there's coffee here. C'mon Gabs is making french toast."

"Who the fuck is Gabs?"

"Oh, uh..that's my nickname for Gabriel because y'know, he talks so much."

"Quiet, moose!" Gabriel snapped from where he was setting out plates for three and on the dining room table that was already piled high with breakfast foods.

Anna meandered past with her own full plate balanced on her book and holding a glass of orange juice heading back in the direction of the living room. She gave Dean an encouraging smile as she passed and he really wished Cas was here because all of this felt really Twilight Zoney and foreign to him.

"This is awesome Gabriel," Dean said sitting down with wide eyes and snatching up a bowl of cinnamon sugar that he was planning to use entirely on his own stack of French toast.

He looked up at the older man and noticed for the first time the large dark purple bruise that was on the older man's jaw and the angry red cut that was on his eyebrow.

"What happened to you, dude? Sammy been hitting you. That's domestic violence right there, you should leave him." Dean laughed at his own joke and went back to building the perfect log cabin out of cut up pieces of the breakfast Gabriel had made.

"So you didn't hear about what happened?" Sam asked brushing the hair out of his eyes, revealing his own gash on his forehead near his hairline.

"You guys get in a fight or something?" Dean asked gesturing between the two men with his fork.

Gabriel gave Sam a loaded look and Dean felt like there was a silent conversation going on between the pair. He shrugged and kept eating, this was one of the best home cooked breakfasts he had ever had.

"Not…with each other," Gabriel supplied. "There were these guys at the party last night. They kind of jumped us, Anna went all causal pepper spray cop on them and Castiel brought us back here so that we could get cleaned up."

"Why did they jump you?" Dean asked suspiciously, he knew Sam wasn't the type who went out picking fights and Gabe didn't seem like the kind of person who boxed in his spare time so something else must be going on.

Sam cleared his throat and drew idle circles in the puddle of syrup pooled on his plate with his fork. "Have you ever heard of the Kinsey scale, Dean?"

The older Winchester shook his head and tried to figure out what was going on.

"Well, it's this scale um…" Sam was blushing like crazy and looking anywhere but at his older brother. "It um…measures a person's degree of um….bicurushnish."

"What?" Dean asked.

"Oh for fuck's sake," Gabriel said slapping his fork down with a loud clatter and giving Sam an annoyed look. "We're all big boys here. It measures how much interest a person has in the same sex. Like homosexuality."

"And what does this have to do with you two getting beaten up?"

"On the scale," Sam continued looking between Gabriel and Dean. "Zero means you're like one-hundred percent hetero. The thought of being with someone of the same sex has never even remotely cross your mind. Six means…"

"Six means you're singing show tunes and camping out in a line to buy tickets to a Streisand concert. You have matching poodles and go to equality rallies and stuff. Yea, I think I get it, Sammy. What does this have to do with you getting in a fight with some of Jo's douche bag party guests?"

"I'm like a four, Dean." Sam said looking at his brother steadily and then glancing over at Gabe with a small smile on his face. "Maybe a four point five."

Dean let out a heavy breath and leaned back in his chair. He looked between the two guys in front of him and tried to reconcile the image he had of his younger brother with this new, overwhelming information.

"So, you two…" He said gesturing between Sam and Gabriel and rubbing a hand over his jaw. "Are like together?"

Sam nodded and Gabriel reached over and grabbed his hand in an affectionate way. He watched how the two of them looked at each other and something inside of him melted a little bit. Dean had never seen his little brother look at anyone that way, hell he didn't think he had ever looked at anyone that way.

Dean nodded slowly and reached for the carafe of orange juice on the table, topping off his glass and taking a slow drink to finally wash away that acrid taste of tobacco that had been lingering in his mouth all morning.

"How old are you, Gabe?" he watched the older man squirm under his scrutinizing gaze.

"Twenty," Gabriel said defensively. "Listen, I'm not some pervy old man scoping out jail bait, okay? This just kinda…happened, but I'm glad it did because your brother makes me happier than anyone else ever has and I'm not going to let you make him feel bad about this. He is still the same person."

Dean smirked at the other man's speech. Nothing like that had been going through his head, he had just wanted to make sure that Gabriel wasn't going to getting Sam wasted all of the time when the younger man should be focusing on school.

"And you're sure about this, Sammy?" he asked turning back to his french toast and deciding that it needed another layer of cinnamon sugar.

"So fucking sure," Sam replied not tearing his eyes off of the man sitting next to him.

"Okay, then. Welcome to the family, man." He offered Gabriel a hand across the table and the two shook hands amicably. "Just uh…maybe you shouldn't tell dad, Sam. Not for a while. We'll have to get him used to the idea. And, no making out on my bed! Or the couch! I will burn it, I swear."

"You're being really cool about this, Dean." Sam said wonderingly, looking at his brother with something that resembled astonished amusement.

"Yea, Dean-o." Gabriel said his eyes twinkling mischievously. "Maybe you're not a total zero yourself. Where do you think ol' Kinsey would rank you?"

"No, I'm a zero." Dean said quickly, feeling his stomach do a weird little flip as he tried not to think about the comforting smell of mint, and blue eyes that changed color as often as the summer sky, and shy smiles in darkened classrooms.

* * *

"A mixtape?" Meg asked as she drove them over to the apartment she shared with her boyfriend over near the U of K campus. "Who are you? Lloyd Dobbler? This isn't a freaking 80s movie, Cas. This is your love life. Why don't you just go up to Dean and kiss him and see what he says?"

It was Thursday night after his therapy appointment with Rachel and for the first time he had ducked out of dinner with Gabriel to allow his older brother some time to spend with Sam. Apparently the pair had told Dean about their relationship and the older Winchester hadn't freaked out about the whole thing.

He had gone all week saying as little as possible to Dean, even managed to convince Becky to switch seats with him in English class for a while so that he could avoid having to sit next to his friend. Every time he was near the other boy his mind would start circulating through images of them in the laundry room together, how Dean's mouth had been right up against his neck and he had been right, the stubble was so fucking hot, before it went straight back to painful scenarios of Dean wrapped up in that cheerleader, kissing her and calling her gorgeous. It didn't help that come Monday, Dean was still sporting a faint hickey that was vaguely shaped like West Virginia.

Cas had kept a buffer between him and the other boy as much as possible, usually Jo or Garth once he even got Kevin to help him avoid Dean when he had been cornered at his locker by making up a story about a last minute ROTC meeting Virgil had called that the freshman had corroborated. He knew that he owed Dean an explanation for why he was acting the way he was, but he was hoping that the tape he was planning on making would be enough to make it clear to the other boy why he was upset.

"Because I don't want to get punched in the face," Castiel said pulling his feet down from where he had them propped up on the dash as they pulled into the parking lot. Meg's apartment was right near the diner so it hadn't taken them very long to get there after she picked him up from his therapy appointment.

"What if he doesn't punch you?" Meg asked putting the car in park and hopping out with her friend trudging along behind her. "What if you're just psyching yourself out and Dean's like secretly, madly in love with you?"

"Yea, right." He muttered.

Meg and her boyfriend lived on the second floor so instead of waiting for the elevator they opted for the stairs and Cas tried to steer the topic to something other than Dean. He felt like his pointless crush was all the girl wanted to talk about sometimes.

"So, your boyfriend. What's he like?" he asked as her keys jangled while she unlocked her front door.

"Oh, you'll love him. Luc should be home around seven, his last class is over at six thirty and he rides his bike to and from campus to avoid all of the traffic."

"How did you two meet?" Cas asked as Meg pulled out a large stack of take out menus and started shuffling through them, making faces at some of them and putting others in front of the younger man for him to look at.

"It's kind of funny actually," Meg said a small smile alighting on her face. "Lucy was my TA my first year at U of K. It was a religious studies class; he was actually thinking about going into seminary school before we met. I guess I sorta threw a spanner into those plans."

"He's Catholic?"

"Yea, his mom was like super religious, named him after an angel. That's how I knew what your name meant, Clarence. He was a bit obsessed with like angel lore and stuff when we first met, now he's thinking of doing political science." Meg shrugged. "I think we should do Chinese. I'm craving eggrolls."

"Wait," Castiel said trying to suppress the giggles that he could feel coming on. "Luc. Lucy. Your boyfriend's name is Lucifer isn't it? Your boyfriend is the devil!"

"Don't make a big deal out of it," Meg said slapping him on the hand. "It's a bit of a sore subject, just call him Luc. I didn't make fun of you for saying Dean had a cute butt!"

"I told you that under duress," Castiel said laughing to himself as he watched his friend place an order for a delivery of Chinese food. He waited until she was off of the phone to continue their conversation. "Why doesn't everyone know you have a boyfriend? Are you guys like, swingers or something?"

"Eww, no." Meg wrinkled her nose in distaste and went to sit on the couch; legs pulled up to her chest and patted the seat next to her. "He's just older and some people think it's weird we met when he was basically my assistant professor. It's not strictly against the rules for us to be dating, but it is frowned upon by some of the bigwigs on campus, so we keep it on the DL."

"Here I was thinking only queers had to hide their love in the closet." Castiel said mostly to himself. "And he's okay with you going to parties and flirting with people?"

The woman waved a hand at him dismissively, "I thought I was doing you a favor and besides that's how relationships work. He doesn't ask me about the parties, it's not like I'm a cheater or anything so he doesn't really have to worry, and I don't ask him about his plans for world domination. Don't get me started about that."

They were quiet for a couple of minutes and Cas took the time to think about relationships and what he would give up knowing about or needing from another person in order to make something work. He gave up a lot for Daniel, but the other boy hadn't been willing to make any sacrifices for him in return. Would Dean give up anything for him if Castiel asked him to or was that a conversation that you just didn't have with your friends?

"So," Meg started innocently, picking up the remote and idly flipping through the channels on the television even though the volume was pretty much nonexistent. "The tape. You're just going to ignore Dean for a week and then give it to him, that's going to work out real well."

"I'm not ignoring him." Castiel snapped causing Meg to arch a shrewd eyebrow at him.

"What happened during movie night with the Scooby gang again?"

Oh god, movie night. It had been horrible. Cas had skipped his shower after ROTC practice to run out his frustration on the way to Garth's house. It also meant he could avoid an awkward, silent car ride alone with Dean because the other boy had been texting him and trying to talk to him all week and he just couldn't, if he said more than three words to his friend he felt like he was going to break down and start spewing all kinds of love-struck word vomit and embarrass the hell out of himself.

Dean had slammed down the stairs to Garth's basement, looking just as ragged and sweaty as Castiel knew he probably did himself, threw a copy of _Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon_ down on the coffee table, and collapsed onto the crouch as far away from him as possible asking Garth if he had something stronger than Pepsi to drink.

Castiel had tried to make himself as small as possible in the armchair, hiding behind Dean's favorite throw pillow that smelled faintly like the Old Spice body wash his friend kept in his gym locker at school and hoping no one saw him crying when Chow Yun-Fat confessed his love for his fellow assassin.

When he left, squeezed in between Jo and Ash in the cab of the girl's truck, Dean hadn't even tried to talk to him. It seemed like his friend was giving up on trying to apologize for something that he shouldn't have to feel bad about. Castiel shouldn't be being so petty, it wasn't Dean's fault that Cas had a crush on him and that he couldn't reciprocate. Jo had held his hand and let him lean against her as Dean stood arms crossed by the Impala frowning and watching them as they left.

"Exactly," Meg said to his silence settling on some reality show and turning the volume up slightly so that Castiel could hear the participants arguing over who threw the best shade and doing amazing transformations into beautiful, glamorous women. "You two are going to have to talk or better yet kiss and make up. Then you can make him a million mixtapes and it probably will actually get played, not tossed under his front seat or something."

"Maybe you're right," he conceded. Snatching up the remote when she went to answer the door a couple of minutes later to collect their dinner and changing the channel to something that didn't make him feel like he was growing ovaries.

* * *

Dean was done. In fact, he was more than done. This day had sucked, this entire fucking week had sucked and the only thing he could attribute it to was the fact that Cas wouldn't talk to him, would barely even look at him and seemed to be spending a lot of time trying to get as far away from him as possible.

He knew that he and Meg had never really seen eye to eye, but he didn't think that even she would stoop so low as to dictate who Cas could and couldn't be friends with. That had to be the only explanation for how his friend was acting because Dean thought that they had been close before Jo's party, was even starting to think of Castiel in terms of best friend and wanting to talk to him about his dad and his mom and maybe feel like he could trust him enough to drop the whole macho aloof guy act for the first time in pretty much his whole life.

But y'know what, Cas wanted to act like he didn't exist or that he had ran over his kitten or something and Dean was fucking done.

He had decided while he was shucking off his shoulder pads in the visitor's locker room at Lawrence Free State that he was going to make Cas talk to him. The team had just had their asses handed to them so badly that no one on the team could even make eye contact with each other. Coach Uriel called them Neanderthals that didn't deserve to set foot on the same field as the marching band and they were all feeling pretty horrible.

Dean made his way towards his assigned bus and kept a sharp eye out for Adam. The boys in the ROTC rode to away games with the football team since there were only six of them, but Uriel liked to split the team up between two buses with the first half of the alphabet, A-N on one and O-Z on another and the rifle, toting team wasn't exempt from that. That meant he was stuck in a rolling torture chamber with Alistair and Azazel with only Kevin Tran to talk to. He liked the kid and all, but Dean could only feign enthusiasm for cellos and pre-SAT classes for so long.

He spotted the blonde hair of Jo's boyfriend loading rifles into the trailer that the band used to cart their instruments around and rushed over to him, feeling way too much like a nervous eighth grader than he was comfortable with.

"Adam, hey man." Dean looked around for Cas, hoping that he could pull this off without getting caught by the other boy. "Can you like, switch buses with me?"

"Why?" the other boy asked giving Dean and appraising look.

"I just can't handle Tran talking my ear off about honors classes and junk anymore," Dean said the excuse being only half of the reason for why he wanted on to be on the other bus so badly.

Adam crossed his arms and started to slowly shake his head.

"Okay, listen." He said desperately, holding up his hands at the other boy. "I need to talk to Cas alright. He's avoiding me and I just…I need to talk to him, okay?"

The sophomore gave him an appraising look, his mouth turning into a slow, teasing smile. He pointed a stern finger at Dean and the larger boy felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. "Fine, but you owe me."

"Anything, man. God, you're like saving my life right now." That sounded a little dramatic, but Christ, was it ever the truth.

Dean practically skipped to the bus allocated for the front half of the alphabet and searched amongst the bodies inside for a glimpse of that familiar dark messy bed-head of his friend.

Cas was sitting about halfway back on the bus, wearing a big pair of noise-canceling headphones and bent over a small journal, writing in that messy scrawl of his that Dean could probably read upside down and blindfolded he was so used to seeing it in Chuck's classroom. His stomach felt all burblely when he saw it, he missed talking to Cas in Chuck's class. Their notes having become something that Dean was ready to dedicate a whole spiral to just so he could hold on to some of the funny, quirky things that Castiel said about music or in response to a one of Dean's bad puns. And Becky wanting to talk about Will Wheaton all the time was _really_ not the same.

He plopped down heavily in the seat next to Cas, smiling widely at the startled little jump that the other boy did and how he looked adorable as he fumbled with his headphones and his journal and his backpack, getting all tangled up and banging his elbow hard into the window next to him as he went.

"Fuck," Cas muttered rubbing absently at his elbow and then glancing up at Dean from under his eyelashes. "What are you doing, Dean? You're on the wrong bus."

"Nah-uh," Dean said shaking his head and giving Castiel a long look like he hadn't seen him in years, letting the gravely voice of the other boy wash over him and ease all of the tension he had been carrying all week out of his muscles. "Adam and I switched, he is me. Just call me Milligan."

"Oh, that's okay I guess." Cas said noncommittally, shutting his journal away in his backpack and stowing it under the seat in front of them. He fiddled with his iPod for a minute, glancing up at Dean a couple of times. "Dean, I need to apologize to you."

"What?" he asked, he was watching the way that Cas's mouth moved when he talked and wondered to himself what his friend could possibly need to apologize for, he was perfect.

"I've been avoiding you since um…since Jo's party. I thought we were…that you might…well, um…I'm sorry okay. I was being ridiculous, still friends?" His friend was looking up at him with those wide, innocent blue eyes and Dean felt like he would agree to anything, hell murder someone, if it meant that Cas would keep looking at him just like that forever.

"Of course man," Dean said pulling his friend in for a one-armed hug. "And here I was, thinking I had done something to make you mad."

"I could never stay mad at you, Dean." Castiel replied softly, twisting the cord for his headphones around and around his index finger.

The pair was silent for a while, oblivious to the raucous boys surrounding them and barely noticing as the bus rumbled to life and began the trip back to Lawrence High.

"I'm sorry I don't have my other headphones with me," Castiel said looking over at him apologetically and gesturing towards the bulky professional looking headphones looped around his neck. "If I did, we could listen to music or something."

"That's ok, Cas." Dean said slumping down in the seat and putting his head on his friend's shoulder. "I can hear it like this, play something."

He heard Castiel clear his throat above him and felt him shift uncomfortably in the seat, okay maybe he was pushing it a bit, but after having been apart from the other boy for most of the week, Dean needed this, this closeness with his friend.

They listened to some things that Dean was familiar with, more that he wasn't. Some of it he recognized, but the music was wrong, too slow or too fast or completely different with just lyrics that he thought he knew. Castiel listened to a lot of cover songs.

He was listening to a feminine version of Aerosmith's 'Don't Wanna Miss a Thing' and Castiel was looking out the window at the passing streetlamps and buildings.

"Why do you like cover songs so much?" Dean asked, fiddling with the edge of the ROTC uniform top Cas was wearing unbuttoned over a plain white undershirt as it laid in the small space between them.

"They're different," Castiel said looking down at the larger man beside him for a moment before his gaze returned back to the blurry dark skyline outside the window.

"Well, duh. I mean, do you like them more than the original versions?"

"Not more," his friend said, wiggling his shoulder until Dean looked up at him. "I think hearing a cover song is sorta like when you see something you look at every day, something you might take for granted, from a different angle and suddenly it's like this whole new thing, it's completely changed and it has this new meaning that you never thought of before. You may like it more because of the new angle or you might completely hate it, but you can't help but think of what else you may not know about it. It makes you want to look at it deeper. Look at yourself deeper. Here, let me show you."

Castiel fiddled with his iPod until that annoyingly catchy Carly Rae Jepsen song came over his headphones. Dean groaned and tried to snatch the device out of his friend's hand to change the song, it was going to be stuck in his head all day if it got to the chorus.

Cas laughed and moved his hand out of Dean's reach. "Okay, see you hate this song. But listen to it now."

He clicked a button and there it was again, but it was just like Castiel said. Different, with a male voice singing and a violin or something playing in the background. It sounded less poppy, and childish and superficial. It sounded like a song being sung by someone who was nervous about approaching a person they liked and giving them their number. Like they were putting all they had on the line for this one person who they were inexplicably drawn to for no other reason besides some crazy gut feeling they were having.

Dean turned his face into Castiel's chest when it got to the part with heavy chords where the man was singing about being chased by other people and tried to calm the way his heart was beating. He felt like everything about this song was so familiar, like the person singing it was the same as him, being perused by everyone but only having interest in one person, someone they couldn't have, who may not want them back. The song ended with notes that sounded unfinished, like the rest of the story was waiting to unfold, the singer may not know what was going to happen, but he had put himself out there and had to trust that the other person would reply.

"See?" Cas asked softly.

Dean took a steadying breath and sat back up, pulling away from Castiel slightly so that he could look at him. His friend's face just looked so open and trusting and Dean knew that if he said what he was thinking that it would just ruin everything. Because he had started remembering what had been going on with him and Cas at Jo's party and those little things that had gone through his head that night that he thought he would forget about were becoming really hard to ignore.

"It's good, Cas. I see why you like it."

He thought he saw the other boy's face fall a little bit, but the expression was replaced with that curious look that Cas got sometimes and Dean just couldn't help but smile at how he would for the rest of his life associate that gesture with his friend.

"I'll make you a mixtape," The boy said seriously.

"You don't have to do that, Cas. Baby, doesn't play CDs so I could only listen to it at home and I spend more time in my car or at Bobby's garage, he just has a tape player in the shop."

"No, I mean a tape mixtape."

"Oh, cool." Dean said, nudging the smaller boy with his shoulder when a thought struck him. A way he could make up for lost time with Cas without seeming super creepy or taking him away from Meg too much. "Hey, can I come running with you one morning? Uriel said I was dragging ass out there tonight and I guess I could stand to do some extra training."

"I don't know," the other boy said reaching over to poke Dean teasingly in the side. "Think you could keep up with me? The way you eat, I'll end up having to drag your chubby ass around."

"I'm not chubby!" Dean said feeling the bus's air breaks release beneath them and noticing that they were almost back at the school. He pulled his arms close into his sides so that Cas would stop poking him, he didn't need the entire football team knowing he was ticklish. "I can go on Sunday, I'll get all my work done at the shop tomorrow so that Bobby doesn't need me to come in that morning."

"Ok," Castiel said pulling his bag back out stowing away his head phones. "Um…meet me at the nature park at like 6. There's something I want to show you."

"Six in the morning?!" Dean complained, getting to his feet and letting Cas out into the aisle of the bus ahead of him as they shuffled towards the exit. "Is the sun even up that early?"

"Do you want to go or not?" Castiel asked adjusting his messenger bag on his shoulder once they were off and moving towards where Gabriel was waiting for him in the convertible at the front of the parking lot.

"I'll be there with bells on," Dean said sounding less than enthusiastic, giving a parting wave to his friend and telling himself he couldn't look back, _don't look back,_ as he got into his own car and peeled out of the parking lot.

* * *

"If you need me to slow down, Dean, just say so," Castiel said worriedly as he looked at the other boy who was leaning against a tree trying to catch his breath. "I can't resuscitate you if you faint; you're the one who knows CPR, not me."

"I'm fine," Dean gasped holding onto his knees and waving the smaller boy away. "Just need a second…or maybe a minute."

Cas chuckled slightly and pulled his leg up behind him in a stretch, looking around at the trees and bushes that bordered the inclining path they were on. He didn't go running at the nature park very often, usually it was way too humid, but now that they were midway through September it had finally cooled down enough to make it comfortable to go hiking on the steep paths if you went early enough.

He was barely even breaking a sweat, having to go at about half of his normal pace to keep Dean from falling too far behind. The other boy had already sweated through his white shirt and his legs were trembling in the black basketball shorts he was wearing. Castiel figured they could walk the rest of the trail, they were almost to the top anyway, they just had to beat the sun.

"You good to go?" Cas asked trying not to sound impatient, he hadn't brought anyone else out here before and he wanted Dean to see the view when it was the best.

"Yea," Dean replied groaning a bit as he straightened back up and moving to walk beside Castiel, their arms brushing as they moved along the narrow path.

The climbed the last several hundred feet in silence, Dean's heavy breathing and the rustle of the leaves around them being the only sounds to break the stillness of the morning. Castiel stepped out on the plateau at the top of the path and walked to the edge of the limestone outcropping, marveling again at how Lawrence was spread out before him like a map.

"Wow," he heard from beside him and looked over to see Dean standing near him with his hands on his hips. "This is great."

"Give it ten minutes," Cas said settling down on the edge of the naturally made ledge and letting his legs dangle off of the sides. He patted the spot beside him and Dean collapsed heavily on to the ground, leaning back a bit on his hands as his breathing evened out.

They watched the first rays of sunlight break over the horizon and Castiel heard Dean's soft gasp as the sunlight glittered off of some of the taller buildings in the city beneath them. From where they were sitting, Castiel could pick out the U of K football stadium even though he had never been to a game himself, from there he could almost see Meg's apartment building and thought back for a moment of his dinner with his new friend and her boyfriend, Luc, who was way more charming than his name led people to believe. He knew the general area where his house was, but it bled into a suburban sprawl that made it impossible to pinpoint where his brother and sister were still probably asleep in their beds.

"Amazing," Dean muttered under his breath and Castiel felt like maybe he should just do what Meg had said and kiss the other boy to see what would happen.

But, no. He had a plan and it didn't involve spontaneous displays of affection that might get him pushed of a cliff. Granted it was a small cliff, but Cas was still pretty sure it would hurt if he fell into the brambles that were about thirty feet below them.

"So, imagine you jumped off of here," Castiel asked suddenly, needing a distraction from where his thoughts were going. He decided to play a game that he and Gabriel used to play when they were younger and the jungle gym at the playground seemed a lot taller and scarier.

"Why would I do that?" Dean asked leaning over and looking at the open space below their feet.

"Um…your car breaks down, diner's stop serving pie," Castiel searched his mind for something horrible enough that would make Dean do something dangerous and drastic.

"The Beatles break up." His friend said solemnly.

"That already happened, Dean."

His friend held up a hand at him and shook his head a bit, "Too soon, Cas. I just meant I knew where you were going."

"The Beatles? Really?"

Dean nodded at his friend seriously.

"Whatever. We'll talk about that later. Anyway, you jump and you're falling. Which way would you want to be facing? Up or down?"

"Why does it matter?" Dean asked his brow furrowing in confusion.

"Because if you're facing down you know exactly when it's going to happen, when you're going to hit the ground and everything cuts to black. Face up you're just looking at the sky, enjoying the ride and unaware of what's coming."

"I think you'd be aware, Cas. People don't just jump off of cliffs and think they won't get hurt."

"Answer the question, Dean."

"Ok…up."

"Face up?" Cas asked feeling like this answered a lot of questions he had about his friend. It explained why Dean just seemed comfortable with letting other people define him and why he just went along with what other people expected of him most of the time. Let himself come across as that stereotypical, womanizing jock when he was really so much more. He nodded a bit and looked down at where Dean's hand was sitting next to his.

"Yea. What about you?" Dean asked.

"Down, I think." Castiel said nodding his head and moving his hands back into his lap. "Yea, I'd want to know what's coming."

What he meant was that he was finally ready to start taking control of his life, ready to stop letting people define him by who he liked or what he did.

That's why he was giving Dean a deadline. A month with the tape. More than enough time to figure out what he was trying to tell him. Enough time to decide what he wanted to do, if he wanted to do anything and if those things he wanted to do involved Castiel being something more to him than a friend.

It also gave Castiel a month to start tying up his own loose ends, so that if things worked out how he was hoping they would he would be able to tell Dean about everything in his past without it being such a big deal.

They sat for a little while longer, long enough for the sun to fully rise and reflect off the rocks around them, causing the temperature to rise steadily and Cas's shirt to start sticking to his back.

"C'mon," he said climbling to his feet and offering Dean a hand up. His heart fluttered, like it always did when he was around the other boy when Dean took it and pulled himself to his feet, stumbling slightly and bumping into Castiel. "I've got your tape in the car."

"Really?" Dean said dusting off his hands on his shorts and following Cas back down the path which seemed a lot less grueling now that they were going downhill. "That was quick man."

It wasn't really. Castiel had spent the entire day on Saturday dubbing songs over onto a recycled tape using Gabriel's old tape deck and his enormous CD collection. He even had to go online a couple of times to download songs and then burn them onto a blank disc so that he could transfer them over. It was tedious and time-consuming, but he felt like it would be worth it.

He had gotten Meg to come over and help him for a bit, bringing in burgers and fries with her and he had sat by as she carefully wrote out the track listing for the first side of the tape in neat, bubbly handwriting. It was full of covers of songs that he thought Dean would like mostly classic and hard rock. On the B-side he had her write that Dean should ask him if he wanted to know about any of the artists, he figured that would be a good way to start the conversation. That side was full of different songs, ones that couldn't be misread as having another meaning. Either way, his friend was going to know how he felt.

Face down meant he was going into this with no preconceived notions. Castiel knew how badly this could go for him, but the fact that he knew that helped. And he was ready for the fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMFG. I never thought I would finish this chapter. I know you're all getting antsy for some fluff and all, but seriously? How clueless were you in high school about stuff like this. I was pretty clueless so now you know why this is taking so long.
> 
> Anyway, I appreciate all of the love and review and such. You guys are the bestest. Keep rocking my ankle socks right off, guys.
> 
> *edit* Thank you to Absie74 for making me realize my jerkitude for not giving credit where credit is due. For those of you who haven't seen the movie Dakota Skye, its really been and inspiration to me for this chapter. Go watch it, its on Netflix. Your heart will melt and you really really really won't regret it.
> 
> Also, the two covers that I'm making big references to here are by Pomplamoose (Don't Wanna Miss a Thing) and Ben Howard (Call Me Maybe), totally worth a listen but you might have to go on Youtube to find them.*


	11. Under Pressure

"Okay," Jo said agitatedly snipping a length of material off of the roll of red ribbon that was sitting in front of her. She added the piece to the pile that had been growing steadily in the middle of the table for the last twenty minutes. "But, this is the last time. If you don't get it then you never will."

Castiel nodded and continued curling the thinner strands of ribbon that his friend given him using a pair of kitchen shears. Ellen was busy making dinner across the room and Meg was playing with the hot glue gun that was starting to ooze the melted adhesive onto the paper plate it was sitting on.

"Homecoming is where your team comes back to play on their own field after playing away games for a couple of weeks." Jo said beginning to pull fake flowers and beads and shiny stickers out a bag for the hobby store that they had just returned from. "It's always a big deal because it's like when everyone who graduated comes to town to see the game and each day of the week is a different spirit day like 'Beat the Buffalos' and everyone wears bandages and stuff on that day."

"See that's what I'm having trouble with," Castiel said sounding frustrated that the whole next week was going to be so confusing. At his old school they didn't have football, just stuff like soccer and rugby, things that Meg called 'rich people sports'. And they sure as hell didn't have homecoming. "If we're trying to show that we can beat the other team then why are we the ones pretending to be injured. Shouldn't we dress up as boxers or something?"

"It's supposed to be fun, Cas." Meg said tapping gingerly at the hot metal part of the glue gun. "You're putting way too much thought into it."

"I can understand being fun and goofy, Meg." He replied sullenly. "But you guys have to admit that the whole thing with the fake flowers and stuff is ridiculous."

"Yea," Jo said starting to gather craft materials around her so that she could begin assembling the mum she was making. "It's tradition though; you make a mum for your boyfriend or decorate his locker if he's on the football team. It's like wearing a boy's letterman jacket, let's everyone know that they're taken."

"So it's like marking your territory?" He said fiddling around with the little camouflage clad lion doll that Jo had bought to put in the middle of the mum she was making for Adam. "Keeping other girls away from the person you like."

"Sure, only less gross." Jo said with a shrug before noticing the way that Castiel was biting his lip and resolutely not looking up from the scarred kitchen tabletop. "Y'know I have enough stuff here, you can make one for someone if you want."

Cas shook his head and dropped the lion like it was made of molten lava, "I don't know how and who would I make one for anyway?"

"Can we just drop the whole, 'nobody knows that Cas likes Dean' thing for a minute?" Meg said causing the younger man to give her a look that could peel paint off of a fence. "Because we know."

He looked over a Jo who was arranging ribbons and strings of beads onto the back of her big, black fake chrysanthemum. "You both know?"

Of course he had suspected this, but Jo had been dancing around the subject for the last two weeks since he and Dean had started talking again. She was all ready to keep giving the other boy the silent treatment if Cas wanted to, but he told her that they had made up, lied and said Dean apologized for what happened at her party because he knew that's what she wanted to hear.

"We know," Meg said getting up from the table and pouring herself a glass of iced tea. "Bert and Ernie know. That weird girl with the vampire fetish knows, hell I'm pretty sure that chick Dean hooked up with at the party knows and that's why she was all over him that night."

"Can we not talk about that?" Castiel asked scratching at the glitter on the page of alphabet stickers Jo had purchased. "Anyway, you guys may all know, but Dean doesn't. And—"

"And why you won't just tell him is beyond me," Jo said snatching the stickers out of his hand and picking out Adam's name from the letters.

"I'm doing it in my own way," he said petulantly. "Besides, Dean doesn't like guys."

"Dean doesn't know what he likes," Ellen said interrupting the conversation to slide steaming plates of enchiladas in front of each of the kids at the table. "Remember when he had that crush on your cousin, hun?"

"Andy!" Jo said excitedly turning to Castiel. "We were like eight, maybe nine and Dean's mom took us to the pool, I caught Dean giving him a kiss on the cheek under the diving board at the deep end. Man, it was so freaking cute, but of course back then I made fun of them both and put them in cootie quarantine."

"Cootie quarantine?" Meg said snorting with laughter.

"It was what I called the kiddie pool."

Castiel smiled and pushed away the ribbons and glitter glue in front of him to start digging into his plate of food. "Well, this isn't the third grade, Jo. He was a kid, probably didn't know what he was doing."

"Whatever," Jo said waving a dismissive hand at him and adjusting the petals of the crepe flower centerpiece. "Dean doesn't ever do anything by accident. He has this whole stupid 'plan' for his and Sam's lives and it's not working for him."

"Well, I'm sure I'm not part of the plan." He said ignoring the meaningful way Meg was looking at him as she blew on her steaming forkful of Tex-Mex.

Meg was the only one who knew about the mix tape and Cas's self-imposed deadline. She thought it was really dumb and didn't ever waste an opportunity to tell him so, she said that he should've taken Dean out to some romantic spot and played him the juicy side of the tape so that when the inevitable kissing happened they wouldn't have to look for a private spot to molest each other. Dean's time was halfway up and it was making Cas nervous.

"That's right," the blonde declared picking off stray bits of hot glue from the jangling mess of ribbons, beads, and bells that made up her mum. "Because the plan is dumb."

* * *

When Dean got to school the next morning, he wasn't very surprised to find that his locker had been decorated. It happened every year, some of his more determined conquests just couldn't really take the hint that he wasn't looking for anything serious. Usually he ended up with a mum or two by the end of the week also and he always made sure he got rid of the tokens of affection discreetly so that he wouldn't hurt anyone's feelings any more than he already did by not wearing them in the first place.

At least this time when he saw his locker it wasn't covered in glitter or hearts. It was actually kinda tasteful, wrapped up in black butcher paper and decorated like his football jersey, with his last name spelled out in red block letters at the top and his numbers in the middle. Simple and uncomplicated and he was almost convinced Jo had done it so that it would keep other girls from trying to give him gifts that she knew he didn't want.

He unloaded the books that he had taken home for the weekend from his backpack and noticed that the butcher paper wrapped around to the interior of his locker. So that was his proof that one of his friends did it, only a couple of people besides Dean knew the combination. Yea, it was probably Jo, Garth and Ash wouldn't bother doing something like this and as much as a part of him may hope that it had been Cas he knew that his friend didn't really understand the whole hoopla behind homecoming and its traditions.

Plus, the other boy was dating Meg. He had to keep reminding himself of that. A lot.

Over the last couple of weeks, they had fallen back into their easy friendship; sitting together in English class again and tossing back and forth ideas about what they would write for their short story, driving to movie night together and walking across the park afterwards, and now they were running on Sundays together though most of the time Dean would have to stop after a couple of miles and let Cas carry on with his routine by himself. But he didn't mind waiting for the other boy to finish while he sat and talked to the little old ladies who power walked along the paths in the mornings and drank tepid coffee.

Even though they were back to spending time together, Dean wished that he could have more and he knew how selfish that was. Thursdays were for Meg or at least he thought they were because Cas always seemed to have plans on those days and couldn't hang out even though Dean had managed to work up the courage to ask him over to his apartment one time under the pretense of needing help with his Algebra homework when really he just wanted to have that mental image of Castiel in his living room, sitting on his couch or laying across his bed on his stomach with his feet kicked up behind him and his nose buried in a textbook.

Dean was starting to feel really creepy about how much he liked the idea of Cas seeing the parts of his life that he kept everyone else locked out of. It wasn't normal to want to be around your guy friends that much.

He started towards homeroom and glanced down one of the side hallways as he passed, spotting his best friend talking to Becky at her locker, ignoring the other students rushing around as the other girl reached into her locker for something. Dean smiled widely and veered off his path to meet Cas so that he could walk with him to Mrs. Barnes's class.

"It's not a problem Castiel," he heard Becky saying as she furrowed her brow and shoved at something in the locker in front of her. "Just make sure you pick it up at the end of the day, I don't know if my books will fit around it."

"Fit around what?" Dean asked stopping behind the shorter girl and trying to peer around the opened metal door into her locker.

Castiel's head snapped up, his eyes wide and terrified looking. The smaller boy reached out and fumbled for the locker door, barely missing catching Becky's hand in his haste to slam it shut. Dean gave him a confused look and leaned against the row of lockers beside him with a disappointed pout on his face.

"I—It's nothing," Becky stammered out, looking between the two boys on either side of her. "I've gotta go, Garth is waiting for me in Sanz's homeroom. Later, Cas. "

The girl scurried away, head down and clutching her books to her chest. Dean watched her go with a confused look on his face and when he turned back to his friend for an explanation, Cas simply shrugged and started walking off towards their shared homeroom.

Dean fell into step beside him, casting sideways glances at his friend and marveling over the fact that everything Castiel owned seemed to look amazing on him. It was school color day and the other boy had chosen to go with more red than black, wearing a Chicago Bull's t-shirt under a black blazer and jeans with newish looking red Converse. Dean was wearing his football jersey, the black one over a white t-shirt and pretty much felt like a slob by comparison.

They settled into their desks, greeting Jo and Ash who were decked out in head to toe red and black, face paint included and nothing even remotely close to the school's colors respectively. Ash had this whole thing about flouting authority and he told anyone who would listen that school spirit was for the birds.

Pam went through the role call and morning announcements with her normal amount of sarcastic enthusiasm, most of the notices pertained to homecoming and spirit week and included the annual plea from the faculty to please not put any bells on mums because they were a distraction.

"And they're irritating." The teacher added with a glare at Alistair was chiming softly and looking smug in the middle of the room. Dean couldn't imagine what kind of girl might like the other footballer enough to make him a mum.

The students were then left to their own devices and Pam went back to idly flipping through a magazine at her desk.

"Hey, um…guys?" Dean heard Cas begin, turning in his seat to look back at Jo and Ash. "I need to tell you something."

He hoped their friend was going to tell him that he broke up with Meg. Having her around all the time was really starting to get annoying, the girl had even showed up at the game this last week, opting to make the drive with Jo to the next town over so that they could cheer on Adam and Cas during half-time. Dean had taken his frustration about the whole thing out on the other team and it had resulted in a rousing victory for the lions, putting them at 3-1 for the season so far, their only loss having been against their rivals two weeks earlier. What self-respecting 20 year old had nothing better to do than to go to high school football games anyway?

"I can't make it to movie night this week," Cas finished, biting his lip.

"It's your week to pick the movie!" Jo declared dramatically.

"Yea," the smaller boy said nodding down at his hands in his lap. "I was going to see if Ash would switch with me, I'll pick something next week."

"Sweet," Ash said. "I wanted to rewatch Tron before the sequel comes out anyway."

"Why can't you go?" Dean asked, feeling like that should've been the first question anyone asked. Cas was usually so reliable so it must be something important.

"There's this thing I need to do with Gabe and Anna and its going to take a while. Maybe I can show up after I'm done? I just didn't want you all to have to wait on me to get started."

"We don't mind waiting, Cas." Dean offered. Wednesdays were like the only set in stone day that he got to spend with his friend outside of school, Bobby had made it pretty clear that when business picked back up Dean may not be able to get Sunday mornings off anymore, and he didn't want to miss a chance to hang out with his friend.

Castiel gave him a crinkly eyed smile and shook his head. "It's not a big deal, maybe we can plan something together on another day this week. Right, Jo?"

Jo looked up from where she was smiling stupidly at something on her phone, probably some lovey-dovey message from Adam and considered the question for a moment before shaking her head.

"This week's no good for me. Tomorrow I'm painting posters for the pep rally with the booster club and Thursday the 'crats are going to the nursing home to do some service work."

"Okay, Friday." Dean said. "After the game."

"Homecoming dance. Remember, Dean? You go every year, I can't believe you forgot. Adam and I are going and you've got a date too, right Ash?"

"Whoa," Cas said putting up his hands and laughing at the self-satisfied smile on the stoic boy's face. "Who's the lucky lady, Ash?"

"Becky's got this friend, Krissy." Ash muttered, sliding down in his seat. "Garth and I are gonna double."

"Who's going with Becky?" Jo asked excitedly.

"Not me." Ash replied quickly.

"We are officially in the outer limits guys," Dean said wishing that they could change the subject.

He hadn't forgotten about the dance, but he wouldn't mind missing it this year. Usually he used it as a really elaborate way of getting with one of the hotter girls at school who were way out of his league, but this year he couldn't think of anyone that he would want to take. He would be content just sitting around one of the badly decorated tables in the gym at the dance and making fun of his friends' shuffling awkwardly to out dated love ballads. But only if that meant that he wasn't going to be subjected to Meg's company all night.

"I think I'll pass on that little ritual," Cas spoke up over Jo's excited questioning about Ash and Garth's plans for their dates. "I guess we'll just have to see if I can finish with my la…thing on Wednesday then."

"Meg doesn't dance?" Dean asked, feeling a tiny bit superior to the girl in his friend's life. He was an excellent dancer, everyone told him so.

Castiel gave him a weird look, somewhere between confusion and disbelief. "Not that I know of."

Dean smiled triumphantly, "Well, I have nothing this week. No practice or anything. Coach is giving us the week off since we're playing Olathe North. They haven't won a game in like six years, it's gonna be a wash. "

"So you're free Thursday?" his friend was just talking to Dean, could only be talking to him since their other two friends were busy conference messaging Garth and Becky about details for the dance.

"Yea," Dean replied.

"Maybe we could work on our story for Chuck."

"Aren't you already spoken for that day? You're always busy on Thursdays." He asked, even though his heart was giving an excited little squeeze when he thought of Cas picking him over his girlfriend.

"Well," Castiel said looking up at him shyly from under his eyelashes. "Maybe I can get out of it."

* * *

"I am so proud of you, Castiel." Rachel said giving him a comforting squeeze on the hand after hitting the button to disconnect the conference call that he, Anna, and Gabriel had been on with their and their father's lawyer back in Chicago.

Castiel gave the woman a shaky smile and then looked over to where Gabriel was giving Anna a tight hug on the couch that Rachel had had brought in from the waiting room for the evening for them to sit on. He felt like his little sister should be the one getting the praise. It was easy for him and Gabe to stand up to their father. After all, Reverad Novak had explicitly stated that the pair were as good as dead to him and he had probably burned all of their pictures too, just like he had done to their mother's after she had passed away.

Okay, maybe easy wasn't the right word for how he felt since his throat was all raw and his eyes burned from crying, but at least he didn't feel like his skin was crawling. Well, it did a little, but it was nothing that he couldn't deal with.

But Anna, she was the one their father wanted back even after what he had said to her before they left. Telling her that if she chose to go with, what had he called them? Oh yea, 'deviants who fraternized with the sons of Satan', that she could never come back. The younger girl's reply had been icy, but Castiel was too strung out at the time to remember what she said. Based on the language he had heard her use at Jo's party, it was probably pretty creative.

"Thanks," he replied softly nodding at the woman in front of him.

"Yes," Gabriel said getting to his feet and moving to shake her hand enthusiastically. "Thank you for everything, really Rachel. You've done so much for us, way more than you need to."

"It's not a problem," the therapist replied modestly. "I consider it an honor to help you guys, after everything, your family deserves a little kindness."

Anna sat dry eyed and shell-shocked looking on the couch and Castiel moved across the small office to sit next to her. He took her limp hand off of her lap and gave it a little squeeze, causing her to look up at him and give him a half-hearted smile.

"I'm ok," she said, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. "Just talking about it makes me think of how you looked that day…how if I had gone over to Lori's house you might have…"

A small sob burst out of her and Cas quickly gathered his little sister into his arms. Anna had been the one to find him, to save him from what he had done to himself after his father and eldest brother had broken him down and convinced him that it was the only way that he could find favor with God again. She had called the ambulance and sat with him in the bathroom, forcing half a bottle of Ipecac down his throat and smoothing his hair back from his face when he had started throwing up all of the pills he had taken.

Castiel thought about how unfair it was that his sister had had to live through something so horrible, but he supposed that being damaged was sort of a running theme in the Novak household and if any of them were strong enough to overcome it it was probably going to be the small, lively spitfire of a woman that Anna was growing into.

The lawyers' questions had been brutal, their own attorney had warned them that their father's council would be merciless, trying to pin the motives for why Castiel had tried to commit suicide on depression over what had happened at Lake Forrest instead of the mental abuse he had suffered from his father and Raphael after they had picked him up from the emergency room that the school nurse insisted he be taken to.

That's why his therapy sessions with Rachel were so important, he needed to show that the problems he was having now with anxiety and trust and mood swings were caused by his father and not because he was a victim of homophobic bullying at the hands of narrow-minded underage rugby players.

Because if he couldn't show everyone what a monster the good Reverad Novak was then Anna was going to have to back to Illinois and Castiel just couldn't let that happen. His father couldn't touch him due to the restraining order and by the time the trial rolled around he would be eighteen anyway, out of the polluted reach of his father and the religion that he twisted to suit his own vile agenda.

"It's okay," he whispered into Anna's hair, rocking her gently as she cried onto the grey t-shirt he was wearing. "I'm right here. I'm okay. You saved me, Anna-Banana. You're my hero, remember?"

She nodded into his shoulder and he felt her relax a little into him. It was enough that she let herself be led out to Gabriel's car by their oldest brother so that Castiel could have a minute alone with Rachel like they had discussed before making the call to Chicago.

"I mean it," Rachel said gesturing for him to sit in his armchair as she perched on the edge of her desk in front of him. "You did very well today. I think that you're really doing an excellent job working through all of this."

He nodded at the older woman, feeling drained emotionally and physically after spending the day at school and then immediately heading over for the deposition with the lawyers that had taken almost four hours to complete. If this was anything like how the trial was going to be, then Castiel didn't know how he and his siblings were going to make it through seeing their father and Raphael in person.

"You're opening up in therapy and you're writing down your feelings," she said listing off the things that he has accomplished over the last several weeks in order to try to make him feel better about retelling his breakdown in more detail over the phone that he had ever felt comfortable with doing during their sessions. She was also fairly certain that his siblings had never before heard the extent to which Castiel has suffered at their father's hands.

The younger man scoffed at that, most of the things he had written down were about dreams he was having. Some of them were about his father and Raphael, one particularly violent one involved a baseball bat, more were about ambiguous things like him going to college or watching a movie during movie night with his friends that was about his life. Rachel said that one was his subconscious telling him that he should open up more to the people who had managed to ingratiate themselves into his life. Maybe she was right.

He didn't write about the dreams he had about Dean. The ones that made him wake up feeling safe or giddy or aroused. All of the dreams about Dean were good dreams, unrealistic, but good. Those were the ones he hoped he had every night the ones that he greedily held onto for himself, but often they were few and far between.

He had felt silly decorating Dean's locker, but so far it had served its purpose of keeping some of the more enthusiastic girls who liked his friend away. Becky had helped him stow away the incriminating roll of black butcher paper, but Jo and Garth had teased him all week during French class about his previously undemonstrated crafting abilities. He refused to make a mum or allow Meg to make one for the other boy for him. Cas felt like he could only push the boundaries of their friendship so far before Dean felt the need to confront him about it.

And he was beginning to think that all he would ever have with the other boy was their friendship, profound as some of their moments together may seem, since Dean still hadn't brought up the tape or asked him about the songs on the B-side. Silence was not the response he had been expecting. At all and he didn't know what he would do if the whole month passed by and they still hadn't talked about it. Ignore it forever?

"I'm serious," Rachel continued. "I know that when we started this you didn't think it was necessary, but you have to realize that you're doing better. You're making friends, leaving the house, touching people, letting people get close to you. That's a big deal."

"Rachel, I'm really tired," he began, it wasn't a lie. He wasn't trying to get out of talking to her like he used to; in fact, he had almost gotten to the point where he enjoyed talking to her.

The older woman put up a hand and smiled at him warmly, "What I'm trying to say, Castiel, is that you're doing well enough that I think we can start cutting your session back to maybe every other week. How would you feel about that?"

He sat up straighter in the chair, "That would be amazing. Not because I don't think this is helping. I used to think that, but I don't anymore. It would just be nice to have more time to myself."

Rachel nodded at him and chuckled slightly, "You do have a much more active social life now and today was a huge step. How about we schedule your next appointment for a week from tomorrow? We'll try it out and if you feel like you need to talk before then you can call me. Or you have this huge, amazing sounding support system; you could talk to your brother or one of your friends. I don't have to be your only outlet anymore."

"I know," Castiel said smiling and standing up from his chair. He hesitated before he started towards the door of the office and where his family was waiting for him; he still wasn't very good at knowing when this kind of thing was appropriate. "Rachel?"

"Yes, Castiel?"

"Can I…would it be weird if I gave you a hug?" he asked uncertainly.

* * *

Cas wasn't in homeroom and Dean was worried. In the months that he had known the other boy, Cas had never missed a day of school or even been late that he knew of. He supposed it was part of the whole ROTC thing, punctuality, because none of the rest of their group seemed to be able to make a watch function well enough to get anywhere on time every single time.

He texted Ash and then Garth to see if their friend had made it to the classes that he shared with either of them and got even more worried when the answer was no. He texted Cas for probably the millionth time that morning and didn't get an answer.

So he decided halfway through Chuck's class that if Cas didn't show up in the cafeteria that he was going to blow off the rest of the day and go over to the other boy's house to see if he was ok. The teacher had just finished doling out copies of _Much Ado About Nothing_ and was starting to go into one of his famous rants about how Shakespeare's comedies were formulaic and predictable when the door opened, spilling light into the room that Chuck had already dimmed and admitting a rumpled looking Cas.

Dean sighed in relief when he saw his friend and reached up unconsciously to straighten the tie that he was wearing. Thursday's spirit day was 'gang up on the eagles' day and while most of the senior class interpreted that to mean dressing like a bunch of very suburban rappers, Dean immediately thought of the dapper and well-tailored suits in _The Untouchables_ and pulled out his one and only set of formal wear from the back of his closet.

Castiel smiled tiredly at him and dropped into his regular seat, doing a double take when he noticed Dean's neatly parted hair and the coat draped over the back of the larger boy's seat.

"Dress up day?" his friend asked, looking at Dean like he was a starving man who had just walked into a Biggerson's.

"Gangster," Dean supplied with a smile, noting that Castiel had made no attempt at dressing up and was wearing a bright orange shirt that said "I Heart Justin Bieber" with his hair looking more unkempt that usual. "Didn't know you liked Biebs, Cas."

The other boy looked down and cursed softly under his breath before turning towards the front of the class and snatching Dean's copy of the play out of his hand. "It's Anna's."

"Sure it is," he teased leaning over to read the book around Castiel's arms. Dean could probably go and get another copy from Chuck, but it was just easier if they shared. And it also gave him an excuse to sit closer. Which was not weird at all. "So were you able to get out of your thing tonight?"

"Yea," Cas replied glancing up at him with a bashful smile. "Did you still want to hang out? I mean, you don't have other plans or anything?"

"No, dude. You said you might be free so I didn't plan anything else."

His friend nodded at him and listened to what Chuck was saying for a couple of minutes as the teacher rattled off a reading assignment for the day and then settled down behind his desk with his flask.

"What did you want to do?" Castiel asked quieter now that the rest of the students were engrossed in reading their individual copies of the play.

Dean shrugged. "You still want to work on the story?."

His friend made a slightly disgusted face, his nose crinkling and a frown making the corners of his mouth turn downwards.

"Or we could watch a movie. Since you missed last night we can watch what Ash picked so that you're not lost."

"No, we can do the story. Listen to music or something, do you want to come to my house? I can play tapes and CDs and stuff. Pull up pretty much anything on my laptop."

"Can we go to mine?" Dean asked thinking about Castiel drinking coffee out of his Batman mug that he had rescued from Jo's backyard the last time he had been over to her house, the handle being fairly easy to superglue back on and otherwise unscathed.

"Sure," the other boy agreed readily.

* * *

"Dean," Castiel said seriously as they pulled up to the familiar looking apartment complex.

"Yea, Cas?" He asked gingerly maneuvering the Impala into a parking spot and turning off the car.

Cas had heard his tape playing on the way over, noting that it was only about halfway through the first side and wondering if Dean really drove that little to not have been in the car long enough to listen to the tape all the way through yet. Or maybe he had and was just choosing to not listen to the B-side because it was too weird and the other boy was deciding to ignore the whole thing because it was easier.

"Meg lives here."

"Right," Dean said laughing and climbing out of the car. He stopped short however; when he noticed Castiel looking around the parking lot and he realized that his friend was trying to spot his girlfriend's faded green Honda. "You're serious?'

The other boy nodded and started towards the doors of the building, Dean followed, stopping in the entrance way to look at the rows of mailboxes for residents while Cas waited for the elevator. His heart dropped a bit when he noticed the label 'Masters/Pellegrino" on the metal slot for apartment 201's mail. She even lived on the same floor as him, across the building yea, but still.

The elevator arrived and Dean slid in beside his friend, punching the button for the second floor with probably a bit more force than necessary.

"You really don't like her, do you?" Cas asked softly watching the way Dean's jaw was clenching and how his muscles in his shoulders were moving agitatedly underneath the material of the white dress shirt he was wearing.

The other boy jumped a bit, like he hadn't been expecting the question and forced what looked like a pained smile onto his face. "Nah, man she's great. Listen if you want to go over to her place instead then I get it."

Cas gave Dean a confused look, did he not want him to come over? Was he just now realizing that they were probably going to be alone all evening since Thursdays had become sort of an unofficial date night for their brothers? Castiel had made sure that the pair would be anywhere but the Winchester residence when he cornered Sam before study hall and gave an awkward, fake sounding excuse for why he wanted to be alone with the boy's older brother. He couldn't even remember what it had been, something about homework and deadlines and murderous Lit teachers.

"I want to spend time with you Dean, unless…you don't want me around?"

The larger boy laughed, put a guiding hand on the small of his back and draped his suit jacket over his shoulder for a moment so that he could unlock his front door. "'Course I want you around, Cas. Mi casa es su casa."

"Glad to see you're learning something in school," A gruff voice said from the kitchen area of the dimly lit apartment.

Castiel looked up to see an older man standing at the refrigerator, popping the tab on a can of beer and felt Dean's hand quickly move off of his back.

"Dad," Dean said moving slowly over to the couch and dropping his jacket across the arm. "You're back."

His friend's father nodded and gave the two boys a scrutinizing look, the intensity of which was severely lessened by the fact that Castiel was pretty sure he was at least halfway drunk, especially if the other cans on the kitchen table were any indication of how long the older man had been at it.

"Yea, I got back from that job in Eudora at about noon." The older man sat heavily in one of the kitchen chairs and took a long drink from the can in his hand. "You're being rude, Dean. Who's your friend?"

"This is Cas, dad." Dean muttered giving Castiel a meaningful look and gesturing with his head that the smaller boy should go into the bedroom that was situated down a small hallway from the living room.

"What kind of sissy name is that?" Mr. Winchester asked turning a malevolent eye onto his son's friend.

"It's Castiel, Mr. Winchester." He could play nice, besides this may be the only opportunity Castiel got to meet his friend's father and it might give him some insight into why Dean felt he had to prove himself to everyone all of the time. He moved over to the table and stuck out a hand. "Castiel Novak."

"Novak?" the older man said making no move to shake the hand in front of him. "You related to that little queer Sammy's been hanging out with?"

Castiel let his hand hover for a moment before he dropped it back to his side, tugging on the awful shirt he was wearing and wishing he had brought a sweater or something with him so that he could cover it up. Gabriel had let him and Anna sleep in that morning, had even given them the option of skipping school altogether that day if they didn't feel up to going after all of the emotional backwash of the deposition the night before. But he had wanted to go, felt a little bit like things were starting to look up for him now that he was facing his demons, and grabbed the only clean shirt he had left out of his dresser before having his older brother drive him to school.

"Dad," Dean said warningly stepping up between the two men. "Gabe is Cas's brother."

Dean's father nodded into his drink for a moment, "Well, your brother's a bit of a flamer, Castiel."

"Stop it," his friend said giving Cas a small push towards what he could only assume was his friend's bedroom. "You're being an asshole."

"No, I'm being a concerned parent!" the older Winchester said his voice starting to get louder as Dean looked down at him with fists clenched. "I came home the other day and they were asleep on the couch, all cuddled up together like a couple of fucking faggots. That pervert is trying to turn your little brother into some kind of shirtlifting homo and I won't have it in my house!"

This was ridiculous, did people really still think like this, talk like this? He was sad that he knew the answer to that. Castiel was feeling increasingly uncomfortable about being witness to this whole family drama that was playing out in front of him and he wondered why Dean wasn't trying to stick up for Sam more. Tell his father that it wasn't the older man's business who his son chose to love, did Dean even think that?

"This is the first time you've been concerned in eight fucking years, dad!" Dean yelled. "You've kinda forfeited the right to dictate what Sam does with his life."

"Maybe I should go," Castiel said inching towards the front door. "We'll work on the story another time, Dean."

He saw Dean reach out, almost as if to stop him before he gave Cas an apologetic look and nodded slightly. The other boy's father didn't look away from his son and his eyes were blurry and unfocused and filled with misplaced hatred.

Castiel looked between the two men for a moment, seeing the physical resemblance in the furious set of Dean's shoulders, in the shape of his mouth and the curve of his jaw. But that was about it, apart from that Dean was nothing like his father and Cas hoped that the similarities between the two Winchesters didn't carry over into any other areas.

He ducked out of the apartment and wandered around the second floor hallway of the apartment complex, stopping for a moment in front of Meg's door before deciding that he didn't want to bother his friend when she was spending time with her own boyfriend. She was probably getting really tired of hearing him moan and moon over a straight boy anyway.

Castiel decided to head over to the diner and call Gabe from there to come and get him even though he felt just as guilty for interrupting his older brother's time with Sam as he did with Meg and Luc. He felt like such a burden on everyone, like this big stupid ninth wheel to all of the couples that were pairing off around him and he wished that he had the guts to just come out and ask Dean what he thought about him, if he thought about him in a way that was more than friends.

He shivered in the cold evening air and looked around miserably at all of the Halloween decorations that were popping up all over town, Meg and Jo were already plotting and planning this huge party on the Saturday before the holiday at the end of the month and Castiel would probably have to go to it alone, watch all of his friends being happy with their significant others, watch Dean go off with some easy girl dressed up as a slutty version of something that wasn't meant to be slutty, a vending machine or something.

This was exactly why he wasn't going to go to the homecoming dance tomorrow, firstly he couldn't dance and secondly he couldn't bear to watch his crush spin around the dance floor with someone who only wanted the other boy for a night.

Barb greeted him when he walked into the diner and he settled at the counter since he was by himself. He ordered a cup of coffee and texted Gabriel asking if he could come and get him when he had the chance. His phone chimed a reply from the other man a couple of minutes later that said the movie he and the younger Winchester were seeing had just started and it would be a while.

The young man sighed and ran a hand over his face.

"Top you off, Castiel?" Barb asked holding a steaming coffee pot over his half empty cup and watching him with a concerned look on her face.

He nodded at her and tried to force a smile that he didn't really feel onto his face. All of the fearlessness he had felt after talking to the lawyers was gone replaced again with the certainty that he was going to spend the rest of his life alone.

"What's wrong kid?" A twangy male voice said beside him.

Castiel looked over at the middle aged man sitting a couple of barstools over with surprise.

"Bobby, leave him alone." The waitress said sternly, sloshing some coffee into the cup in front of the older flannel-clad man.

"Stow it, Barb." The man replied good-naturedly putting out a hand. "You're Castiel. Cas? Friends with Dean Winchester?"

He nodded dumbly at the other man and shook the offered hand. "I'm sorry, I don't know who you are."

"Bobby Singer. Sam and Dean work for me out at my garage sometimes."

"You're their uncle," Castiel realized, picking up his mug and carefully sipping at the scalding liquid.

Bobby chuckled a bit and it did everything to take away from the craggy harshness of the older man's voice making it seem warm and fatherly instead of intimidating. "I guess ya could say that. John, their dad, n' I go way back. Friends since we were kids."

"Yea, I just met John." He replied biting his lip to keep him from saying all of the unkind thoughts he was having about the Winchester patriarch.

"He wasn't always like that," Bobby said softly, sounding slightly sad. "John's…changed a lot since the boy's mom left. 'N it's not for the best."

Castiel nodded, his dad had changed a lot after his mom died. He meant what he had said to Dean that night on the picnic table, he thought it twisted you to lose the person you were meant to be with. Made you bitter and angry and hateful to everyone around you who was trying to be happy.

"That what got you down, then? John said something bigoted and stupid to ya."

He smiled at the insightfulness of the older man, "About my brother, but it's not anything I haven't heard before. No, I was just thinking about how sometimes people focus on one thing about you to hate and to those people it's like you're everything that's wrong with the world. And then the people you want to notice you don't, it's like you're invisible."

Bobby swiveled on his stool to face Castiel and reached into his back pocket where he pulled out a wallet and laid several bills down on the countertop. "Dean said you were smart, Cas. Let me give ya some advice. Something I wish someone had said to me when I was yer age."

"Dean talks about me?" Castiel asked as Bobby stood up and dusted off the crumbs from his shirt.

"Focus boy," The old man snapped, laughing as he did so to let Castiel know that he wasn't being mean. "I know its hard now. Feeling invisible and tryin' to figure out who ya' are. But ya gotta remeber, it gets better. When ya get older, other people's opinions don't matter so much anymore and then ya realize that it just takes one person to make you feel special. N' if you're lucky then you'll be the person who makes that person feel special too."

"He never told me how nice you are," Castiel said referring to his friend who kept so much about himself a secret.

"Well, I've got a reputation to protect," Bobby said patting him on the shoulder and giving him a wink. "Ya just remind me of myself when I was younger. And no one told me how pig-headed those Winchester's could be, thought you might 'preciate the heads up."

Castiel watched the older man leave, feeling slightly better about Dean, if that was the kind of person who the other boy considered family then maybe John hadn't messed up his son too badly with intolerant assholery. He waved a hand to get Barb's attention and ordered a piece of cherry pie.

* * *

Dean sat in the parking lot in front of the gym and took a long, slow sip of the flask he was holding, relishing the burn of the bourbon as it slid down his throat. It wasn't his flask, it was Chuck's and he had stolen it.

When it had gotten to be too much, watching Jo and Adam and Garth and Ash with their dates sitting around and dancing and laughing and celebrating that the lions had crushed the visiting team, Dean had snuck out of the streamer decorated gym and crept down the deserted high school hallways to his teacher's classroom. It had been easy to pick the lock to the door and Chuck didn't bother with keeping the flask locked away so it had been like taking candy from a big, bearded, near-sighted baby.

He hadn't seen Cas after halftime and when he asked everyone where the other boy had gone they told him that Meg had taken him home early since he had a lot of homework to do. Dean figured they probably weren't doing homework and couldn't stop himself from picturing his friend dragging the small, brunette woman up to his room in the Novak household, silencing her giggles with a kiss as he pressed her up against the wall outside his poster-covered door.

Dean took another stinging drink from the flask and closed his eyes hard to try to block out the image in his head. He wasn't trying to get drunk, didn't really have any desire to drown out the feelings he was having or the envious jealousy he got when he had watched the couples slow dancing on the wooden floor of the gym, wishing he were out there and wondering which one of them would lead, him or Cas?

No, he just wanted to dull the aching in his chest a little bit and the alcohol made that empty spot feel all warm and fuzzy.

Dean turned his keys in the ignition, just until the dash lit up and the radio started playing. The tape Cas had made him was still stuck in Baby's tape deck and by now he had heard the songs on the first side so many times that he could sing along with all of them, knew every key change and how the tempos of the covers varied from the original songs. They had become the soundtracks to his dreams and he hummed them in the shower, but God was he tired of listening to them over and over.

You see, there was something about Baby that Dean didn't' tell people. He bragged all of the time about how he and his dad had built her from the ground up from a rusted shell of a body in Bobby's scrap yard into the sleek piece of American made machinery that she was today, but not a lot of people knew that she wasn't perfect.

People that rode in her a lot knew the stories behind the legos that rattled in the heating vents during the winter and about the army men jammed into the ashtray in the back seat. Sam and he were the only ones that knew about their initials carved under the floor mats, but that was more of a brotherly bonding thing that they had the first time Dean had gotten the younger boy drunk on cheap wine coolers and Everclear one Easter break.

But Bobby was the only one who knew about the fact that Baby was a notorious cassette tape eater. He and Dean had spent an entire weekend once meticulously taking apart the dash of the Impala in order to try to figure out the reason why the third copy of Back in Black that the younger man had managed to find at a garage sale had been ruined when Dean had tried to forcefully eject the tape that was stuck only playing one side.

After not being able to figure it out that day, he had finally retired the twisted fork that he kept in the glove box that sometimes worked when he was trying to get the tapes out that Baby was just refusing to let go of. It was getting harder and harder to find copies of the stuff he liked on cassette and he had surrendered to the fact that when the car decided it was ready it would finally let the automatic flipping function kick it and turn the tapes over to let the B-side play.

However, this time it was like torture. Cas hadn't included a track listing for the alternate side of the tape, if he had Dean just would've gone home and looked them up on Sam's laptop, and the larger boy was just dying to know what was on the other side. The first side had seemed so perfect in that original listening made him realize just how much Castiel paid attention and picked up on when Dean talked about the things he liked.

He figured he could always ask, but he didn't want his friend thinking that he didn't understand the songs or what the music was trying to say. So when Castiel asked him what he thought of the tape he would just shrug and make little noncommittal noises of approval and his friend would look at him thoughtfully for a minute, searching his face for something, he didn't know what and then change the subject to something else.

Just like he had done when Dean had tried to apologize for how his dad had acted the night before. All he had ever wanted was a normal dad who yea, was sad that his wife had walked out on him, but got over it eventually, like Ellen had when Jo's dad had died when they were kids and was going out on dates every now and then when her daughter hosted a party. But John was an asshole and a drunk and a much different person than he had been when his sons had been kids and looked up to him as the epitome of what a man should be.

And Castiel was really nonchalant about it, shook off the older Winchester's unkind words saying that all father's let their kids down now and then and Dean hadn't known what that meant, but it felt meaningful and significant and he felt like maybe he should push for an explanation from his friend, but that would just drive him more towards Meg who kept everything light and airy and was never serious about anything. Maybe that was why Cas liked her so much. She didn't brood, Jo told Dean that he brooded a lot.

A soft tapping sound on the passenger side window had him sitting up from where he had reclined the front bench seat back and fumbling to hide the pilfered flask from whoever was bothering him. The door opened with its familiar creaking sound and the youngest Novak poked her head in the opening.

"Hey Dean," She said with a smile on her face. "Can I join you?"

"Sure, Anna. " Dean mumbled wishing it was another member of this strange little family slipping onto the seat beside him.

The lithe girl slid back on the seat and looked up at the ceiling of the car thoughtfully for a couple of minutes. Dean wasn't exactly sure what he should be saying to her, never really having talked to the younger sister of his friend expect in passing or to inquire about where Cas was.

"Why are you out here?" She asked turning her head to look at him and settling her hands on her stomach. "Hiding from someone?"

Dean shrugged, he didn't really want to go into the reasons for why he didn't want to join in on the revelry that his friends were engaging in. They all involved Castiel and feelings that he wasn't really ready to admit to himself yet, let alone talk about with his best friend's younger sister.

"Cas texted me," the girl said without preamble. "Asked me if I was having a good time. Asked me if you were drunk. Are you drunk?"

"No," he snapped, but a part of him trilled over the thought of Cas worrying about him. "I just feel all out of place in there. Everyone's partnered up, I'm the only one without a date."

"You could have anyone in this school you wanted, Dean." Anna replied unfazed by his rudeness. "All you have to do is ask."

"Well, there aren't really any girls I'm interested in right now." That was a little too close to the truth, but he didn't think Anna would notice.

She hummed in response and they listened to the soft sound of 'Under Pressure' being covered over the stereo. "Has my brother done that thing where he asks you about jumping off a building yet?"

"The one about facing up or down?" Dean asked seeing Anna nod slightly out of the corner of his eye. "Yea, but it was a cliff, not a building."

"And what did you say?"

"Face up."

Anna laughed a bit and Dean shifted uncomfortably in his seat, he hadn't thought he had said anything funny. "Castiel always said face up too. Said he could pretend like he was flying if the ground wasn't rushing up at him."

"Well, when we did it he said face down." Dean grumbled.

"I could see why he would say that now, maybe he thinks it's better to know what coming so that you can prepare for all of the outcomes."

Dean hadn't thought of it that way when he had answered, at the time he had been too busy imagining the horrified faces of Sam and Cas and Bobby standing at the bottom of the cliff as they watched him fall to think about what his answer would mean in some sub-conscious way.

"My brother is a complicated person, Dean. He's not very good at talking about his feelings, you have to spend a lot of time with him to be able to read between the lines. I think you know what I'm talking about. Anyway, Castiel has also been hurt a lot by people that he trusted. People that he thought cared about him or had his best interests at heart and I just need to know that you aren't going to do that too."

He swallowed and stared determinedly at the dome light on the Impala's ceiling. Fuck, Anna knew. She knew that he liked Cas, knew that he was jealous of Meg and how happy she made his friend, and she knew that the last thing he wanted was to hurt the other boy. This was her subtle way of telling him to back off.

"I would never do anything to hurt Cas, Anna. I just want him to be happy." Dean felt like his mouth was full of marbles; it was so hard to force those words out. He wanted to add 'with me' but knew that that kind of declaration wasn't what the girl was asking from him.

"Good." Anna declared opening the door of the car and hopping out daintily. "I'm happy we had this talk, Dean."

He watched her walk away before he allowed his head to drop back heavily on the seat as he fought to keep the tears from spilling out of his eyes.

"Son of a bitch." Dean whispered to whoever out there that cared enough to listen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, its looking like 13 is going to be the lucky number for this story. Excited anyone?
> 
> Keep reviewing and letting me know what you think, Halloween is coming up and right now there are only a couple of characters (Cas, Meg, and Luc)with costumes, if you have any creative ideas shoot them my way and I will include them in the next chapter!


	12. Here Comes Your Man

_Castile ran his fingers through the other boy's hair, still not believing that this was real, that everything was finally going his way for once. His legs had long ago fallen asleep from the heavy weight of the head resting in his lap, but he didn't care; it was the perfect sensation. As far as he was concerned he could become paraplegic tomorrow and as long as the last phantom feeling he had in his dead limbs was this numb, happy tingling it would be worth it._

_Images flickered across the screen in front of them, casting the faces of his friends around him into a muted half-light that kept them from seeing the small relaxed smile that was on his face. During a particularly dark scene he leaned down and placed a soft kiss on the forehead under his hand and it was enough to cause the other boy to sigh contentedly._

_Dean looked up at him and smiled stretching on the couch that he was laid out on and tucking his feet under the throw pillow that was at the other end. Cas felt only slightly guilty that he and the other boy were taking up the entirety of the largest couch in the basement, but at some point Garth seemed to have acquired more furniture, enough to accommodate each person in their group as well as their respective partners._

_They were watching a movie that he had picked out for Dean, something full of Beatles songs, covers funnily enough that Castiel founding appealing in their own way. It was nothing like Elvis, but he supposed he could make some sacrifices for the boy he loved. They hadn't said it yet, but he knew._

_He saw it in the way that Dean would try to be all old fashioned, opening doors for him and offering to carry his books from class to class. It was like the other boy didn't know how to be anything but gentlemanly and he found it endearing and adorable and so fucking sexy that it took everything he had not to pounce on Dean every time he did something chivalrous._

_Their moments together played out like a montage in his head, the sensations of soft kisses and a warm body pressed up against his feeling like something that couldn't possibly be real. The taste of the boy being fleeting and indescribable and everything he had ever hoped it would be when Dean would place teasing pecks on his lips in between classes. Their first kiss had been sweet and tender, something that left him vibrating even long after it was over and Dean was just holding him in the front seat of the Impala._

_Castiel looked around the room at his friends, happy that everything had worked out for everyone. Adam and Jo were in the armchair, somehow squeezed into the small space together, Garth and Becky were sitting with a modest amount of room between them, but he could see their clasped hands even in the dim light, and Ash was sitting with a girl leaning into his shoulder, her back to the rest of the room and her legs folded underneath her. Sometimes it felt like it had taken forever for everyone to get here._

_Later, they walked across the park to Cas's house like they always did. Their breath making little, smoky puffs crystallize in the air in front of them as they clutched their coats around them with one hand and each other with the remaining one. Dean dragged him over to what they had started calling 'their table' and pulled him down onto it, settling Castiel's head onto his chest and tucking the smaller boy's icy hands inside his leather coat._

_It made him feel safe to know that the other boy cared about him so much, probably had an exaggerated fear that his fingers would get frostbitten and fall off since Castiel refused to wear gloves, saying they made his hands feel smushy._

" _This is nice," Castiel murmmered into the chest beneath him and shivered when he felt Dean move to put his own frigid hands against his back under his sweater in an effort to keep them warm._

_Dean grunted in agreement above him, sounding tired after their long day at school. Cas knew that he had been working extra hours with Bobby now that football season was over, something about making sure this Christmas counted or something. He didn't care about presents though, as far as he was concerned getting Dean was enough to make him happy with coal in his stocking for the rest of his life. The smaller boy made a move to get off of the picnic table so that he could drag Dean back to his house and make him get a decent night's sleep, but he felt the other boy's arms tighten around him anchoring him to the spot._

" _Just a little bit longer, Cas." Dean said and Castiel knew that he was looking at the stars. It was something he had admitted to Cas that he did every now and then, look at the stars and wonder if his mom was looking at them too._

" _Okay."_

_And they stayed there, Dean looking up at the stars probably making up constellations in his head and Castiel listening to his boyfriend's breathing and counting each heartbeat like it would be the last one he ever heard._

Cas woke up with a smile on his face, that had been a nice dream.

Nothing like the ones that he had been having lately of walking in on Dean with faceless girls who were half clothed or the less explicit ones that were even worse, of Dean walking into Jo's kitchen shirtless with a girl coming in behind him, blushing and bashful in only the missing shirt and no one batting an eye at it.

He didn't really think that something like that would happen, but the possibility of it was what scared him. Castiel had seen his friend talking to girls in the hallways at school more than ever, tried to not notice the way they unabashedly draped themselves over Dean and ignored the thoughts he had of pulling them away and kissing the other boy in a way that would make it clear that he was off limits.

Part of the dream was based on reality, of the week after homecoming when he had chosen _Across the Universe_ for movie night now that he knew how his friend felt about The Beatles and while he hadn't been stroking Dean's hair, his legs _had_ fallen asleep from where the other boy had been stubbornly leaning up against them since Castiel had snagged the armchair first yet again. They had also stopped at their table on the walk home and Dean had given him another impromptu astronomy lesson that had taken the smaller boy about twenty minutes to realize was completely made up.

The tip off had been when Dean had pointed out a cluster of stars and declared that it was the Pac-man nebula. He had poked at his friend until they had both been sprawled out and breathless from falling off of the table with laughter and onto the ground. Their legs had gotten tangled up and Dean's face flushed from the cold had been absolutely adorable.

Castiel had given Dean an extra week and Meg had given him nothing but shit for it. Alternating between calling him a coward over the phone and taking him out for ice cream to make up for being mean to him.

He had decided to give Dean the extra time to come talk to him because of something that Anna said to him when she came back from the homecoming dance. She had woken him from where he had been dozing on the living room couch, Calculus homework left strewn all over the coffee table from where he had given up on it earlier in the evening with this impassioned speech about not giving up on the things that he wanted and how maybe Dean was just as scared to talk to him as Cas was of initiating the conversation himself. But he had initiated, that's what the tape was and Dean wasn't scared of anything

But another week had gone by and nothing had happened. After listening to Meg pleading with him to either broach the subject with Dean or move on he had decided to do the latter. It was obvious that his friend didn't want to discuss Castiel's silly little declaration of affection and he didn't want to lose the other boy over feelings that weren't reciprocated. No, if he was going to have to choose between being honest with his friend and losing him forever or suffering in silence, he definitely wasn't going to pick the one that made Dean hate him.

So that's what had led to his uncomfortable conversation with Adam in the locker room after ROTC practice on the Wednesday before Halloween. They had just finally convinced Virgil to let them try a trick toss during the halftime show of the upcoming football game that would involve them launching their rifles to each other over the heads of the other cadets of the team. It was going to require a lot of trust, on both of their parts as well as from the rest of the squad.

"It's going to be awesome, Cas! Just imagine the looks on everyone's faces when we pull this off," Adam said triumphantly shrugging off his sweat-soaked hoodie and grabbing his stuff to take a shower.

It was going to be Adam's first week going to the gang's movie night and Cas knew that the younger boy was nervous about it.

"Yea, it's gonna be great." Castiel agreed wanting to get his request out before the football team showed up. "Listen, I have kind of a weird favor to ask from you."

"What is it, dude?"

"Do you think you could set me up with your cousin still? Y'know…the one who's…um…like me?" Castiel tried to look anywhere but at his friend who had the most dumbfounded expression on face.

"Like on a date?" Adam asked sounding uncertain. "You giving up on Dean, Cas?"

Castiel buried his face in his hands and groaned loudly. Of course Jo had told Adam about Dean, was nothing sacred anymore?! "Yes. To both questions. Maybe you can invite your cousin to Meg's party this weekend so that there are a lot of other people around in case he doesn't like me."

"There's no way that Michael wouldn't like you, Cas. I'm more worried about you being too good for him, sometimes he is a bit…intense."

"Like stalker intense?"

Adam shook his head quickly, "No, nothing like that. I'll ask him if he can come down from Kansas City for the weekend and you'll see what I mean."

"Thanks, Adam." Castiel said right as the first footballer bounded into the locker room early from practice.

The lions had been doing amazingly well all season, barring that first disastrous away game and with only two games left in the year Wisdom had been letting the players out of practice earlier and earlier.

"And Jo doesn't need to know about this," he added quickly. Castiel really didn't want to hear another one of his friend's opinions about how he was choosing to handle the whole Dean thing. Meg was vocalizing her displeasure enough to last him a lifetime.

"I'm not good at keeping secrets from her, man." Adam complained as he walked towards the showers.

Castiel made a face and then turned back around to his own locker, he debated for a moment before he decided that he better shower too since he could still remember how uncomfortable he had been the entire night when he had skipped his shower during the week that he and Dean weren't speaking.

He didn't think that anyone would be looking at him close enough to notice a couple of weird scars and if they were then he was really just too tired to care. He drug his gym shirt over his head and tossed it into the bottom of the small locker, grabbing his shampoo, body wash, and towel.

When he went to start towards the showers before they got too full, he was met with Dean giving him an open-mouthed stare. The other boy had just taken off his shoulder pads and was clutching them in a white-knuckled grip in front of his chest.

"Dean, what's wrong?" Castiel asked moving closer to his friend.

The other boy's eyes widened and Cas saw his adam's apple bob in his throat as he swallowed hard. He felt his friend's eyes roaming over his chest and realized too late that Dean was probably horrified by the one big scar he had right over his heart. The one that looked like a shaky cross, it was the one mark that Raphael had left on Castiel himself, the only one that the police said wasn't self-inflicted.

"Nothing, Cas." Dean said hurriedly, dropping his shoulder pads with a loud clatter on the floor by their lockers and scrambling for his clothes. "Are you taking a shower?"

"Yes?" he replied uncertainly, feeling like it should be pretty obvious since he was half-naked, holding a towel and still covered in sweat. "Are you?"

Even though he was giving up on his little crush, Castiel wasn't sure if he could resist the urge to stare at his friend if they were in the long, open tiled room where the boys of Lawrence High showered after gym class. None of the other guys at the school peaked his interest at all, he was pretty sure it would always be Dean and that's why he was going out of his way to import a date in the form of Adam's cousin.

"No, man." Dean said moving away towards the rows of stalls that Castiel usually changed clothes in. "I don't feel all that sweaty. I think I'm just gonna skip it. I'll…uh wait for you and Adam on the bleachers, just whenever you're ready to head over Garth's."

* * *

Dean was in hell. This had to be what hell was like.

Being forced to watch the person that he wanted to be with so badly talk and laugh and smile with someone else. Because of someone else. It was the most sadistic kind of torture imaginable.

When had they started letting girlfriends and boyfriends come to movie night? When had it become a rule that just because you were hooking up with someone they were automatically part of the group? They had never let Dean bring a date to movie night, but then again most of the girls in his life weren't exactly the type to stick around and cuddle and get to know each other after they finished with him.

He had been trying, like really trying to get past his crush on Castiel, especially after Anna had let him know that she thought it would just hurt her brother if Dean acted on his feelings. But he could only manage half-hearted flirting with the girls at school and for some reason they were acting like the fact that he was not perusing them with his normal enthusiasm was some kind of personal challenge to their entire sex or something. Most days he couldn't even make it down the hallway without ending up with someone plastered to his side or getting a scribbled down phone number shoved into his hand.

It wasn't his fault that it was happening and he was getting really tired of getting slapped in the back of his head by Jo every day when she saw him trying to escape from one of his admirers in the most polite way possible, by smiling and complementing them as he gave the 'it's not you it's me speech' over and over until he felt like he was a broken record.

Jo had picked some romantic comedy for movie night and Dean was just trying to make it through it with his sanity as he sat curled up in the armchair with Cas and Meg sitting on the floor in front of him. Every time the girl leaned over and whispered something he could almost hear into his friend's ear and Castiel responded to it with that small quirk of his lips that he got when he was amused, but trying to be quiet about it, it just killed him a little more inside.

That was the smile that Cas got when Dean was going out of his way to be silly in the library during study hall in order to annoy the stern crone-like librarian who had been breathing down their necks ever since that first day when he and Jo had taught Cas how to play cards. Back when being around his friend was easy and uncomplicated and he had no idea how fast he would fall for someone who would never ever ever want him in the same way. It was a new experience for Dean. And it sucked.

It didn't help that he had been dreaming about the other boy for weeks now; they had started out innocent enough. With him and Cas sitting around his living room studying or watching a movie on the couch in the other boy's house. Then cuddling had becoming involved, which wasn't something that Dean had a lot of practice with, but he knew enough that he would probably be down with having Cas snuggled up against him or even vice versa and he didn't care how pansy that sounded.

And then the kissing, he imagined that his friend would be a gentle kisser since he was so soft-spoken most of the time, would let Dean take the lead because they could both admit that the larger boy had more experience in that department. In his dreams they kissed everywhere: in the hallways at school gentle and sweet, after they went running together in the mornings keeping it chaste and tame in front of the Golden Girls, in the Impala barely able to keep their hands off of each other when they were alone on their drives over to Garth's house for movie night, outside of Cas's bedroom with Dean taking the place of Meg in few times he had imagined that his friend dominated their encounters.

The dreams progressed naturally from there, turning more into lurid fantasies that had Dean guessing who would be doing what to whom because he had never been with a guy before and didn't really know what they did together in the bedroom, but knew what he liked girls to do to him and filled in the soft female forms with images of Cas all rugged and wet after coming out of the shower that one time he had seen the other boy in just a towel.

God, Cas shirtless was something Dean thought he would never be able to get over. For the months that he had know him it had just been that one time that he had seen the other boy and Castiel had seemed pretty freaked out by the whole thing, maybe even then Dean was looking at him in a way that most guys didn't look at people they just considered their friends. He didn't know, but he figured that the attraction he felt for the other boy wasn't something that had just happened overnight otherwise he wouldn't be having as much trouble with getting over it as he was.

The change in the other boy even just over the month and half or so since football season had started was astounding. When Cas had started school it was like he was a toned, but starved athlete, lacking any real definition to the muscles that Dean had always suspected his friend of having. But now, it was like all of that running and tossing guns in the air and stuff had turned him from Peter Parker into Spiderman overnight all biceps and hints of a sixpack and that V of muscle he could see where the other boy's gym shorts hung off of his hips and a chest that went on for freaking miles.

He didn't know where this appreciation for the male form had come from, but he partially blamed Harrison Ford and George Lucas for making him like the stoic, brainy, chiseled type of person that just was everything Castiel didn't have to work at being. And when he had walked into the locker room to seen his friend taking off his shirt like it was just nothing to be that good looking, well his brain had just shut down a bit and all of his blood had rushed to other parts of him. A phenomena that had been happening with almost embarrassing regularity anytime he sat close enough to feel the body heat radiating off of his friend and smell that scent that made Dean worry that he would never be able to eat a peppermint again without getting a raging hard-on.

It was like when he was thirteen all over again and anytime a pretty girl walked by with a little more bounce in her step than usual he had almost creamed his pants. So yea, his 'me time' had been happening a lot more lately, with Sam complaining that there was never any hot water left in the shower by the time he got out flushed from more than just the steam and the heat and hoping his little brother hadn't heard him trying to muffle the way he was moaning Castiel's name as he came. Most of the time he didn't make it past the part in his head where his friend would nibble on that spot that Dean liked behind his ear before he was gone.

He hugged his throw pillow to his chest and gritted his teeth when Meg looked back at him in the dark room with a self-satisfied little smirk on her face. She didn't even realize how lucky she was that Dean had been raised not to fight with girls because something about Cas's girlfriend just made him want to call her the most colorful names he could think of before pulling her hair like a prima donna and telling her how much she didn't deserve his friend.

Dean made it through the movie, but only barely because Cas had leaned his head back on Dean's knee and looked at him with this sweet, sad little smile on his face when Joesph Gordon Levitt sang karaoke. He recognized the song as something that his friend had played for him the week before when he had been on a 90s music kick and since then it had played in his head every time he saw Castiel walk into a room.

And it just made his heart do this painful squeezing thing that had been happening every time he caught himself wishing that his friend liked him back and he almost got up and left Garth's basement right then because he just wanted to kiss Cas so hard but couldn't because he was Dean freaking Winchester and he had made a promise that he wouldn't do anything to hurt his friend.

"So the party," Jo said clapping her hands together once the movie was over and Adam had gotten up to turn back on the lights. "Saturday. Meg's apartment, about 8ish."

"Bring your own booze, minors, or cough up for the keg because I will not be forking out for this whole thing by myself." Meg said taking Cas's offered hand to help her up off of the floor.

Dean reached for his wallet, mentally calculating how much he could chip in for alcohol since rent was going to be due next week.

"I got it, Dean." Castiel said waving a hand at him and quickly pulling out his own wallet from his back pocket and handing the other girl a couple of twenties.

Meg gave Dean a scathing look before gathering cash from the rest of the assembled party and heading up the stairs with Cas trailing after her. Dean ran a hand over his face and let out a heavy sigh, he didn't know how much more of this he could take. It was going to get to the point where he was going to have to weigh how much he wanted to be around his friend versus how much he couldn't stand the other boy's girlfriend. And it was close, Meg was just such a freaking jerk about everything especially when it came to Dean.

"Have you decided what you're dressing up as yet?" Becky piped up from near his elbow.

Dean jumped slightly; he hadn't even seen her come up next to him. "Um…yea. I'm going as Malcom Reynolds, y'know the captain of Serenity from Firefly?"

The girl crinkled her nose at him in distaste, "I'm not real big on sci-fi. I like paranormal stuff more. Garth and I are going to go to be Shaggy and Velma from Scooby Doo. Like a couple's costume!"

"That's real romantic," He replied sarcastically, climbing to his feet and preparing for not having Castiel waiting for him to walk with him across the park since Meg was there to take him home tonight.

Dean walked out the front doors and was surprised to see the couple standing near Meg's car talking in heated whispers. He crept closer, marveling over the fact they hadn't seen him yet and a small, petty part of him hoped they were fighting.

"You don't owe him anything, Cas." Meg said angrily trying to hand him something.

"I know," He heard his friend reply pushing her hand away and crossing his arms over his chest. "I just feel bad, like I need to make it up to him for everything being so awkward. He didn't even want to be in the locker room with me earlier, Meg."

"Well, that's his fucking problem then. You're moving on so you need to stop acting like this is the thing that's going to ruin your friendship with him. If it was going to be an issue then I'm sure he would've said something by now."

Castiel nodded a bit, looking down at the ground. "It's just so hard being around him."

Shit, Anna must've told Cas.

Why couldn't Dean just have this one little thing? He was trying so hard to keep his friend from being uncomfortable, but it didn't fucking matter because Cas didn't want to be around him, probably thought Dean was going to throw himself at him or something. Well, he didn't need anyone's pity and it hurt him that Castiel couldn't just keep going on like they were, pretending everything was the same.

"Then you don't have to be around me," Dean said stepping out from behind Jo's truck and trying to keep his voice steady even though all he wanted to do was scream at Castiel and ask him what he could do to make things better between them.

Cas looked up at him with wide eyes, his mouth moving soundlessly and it was enough. Enough to tell Dean that it was what the other boy wanted and he just had to get out of there. He couldn't let Cas see him fall apart when he told Dean that he loved Meg and couldn't be what Dean wanted him to be.

He stormed over to the Impala and gunned the engine, feeling like this was a familiar scenario by now, him running away from what he was feeling when he saw Meg and Castiel together. Just like he had done after Jo's party when he had started the chain of events that would ruin his friendship with the first person to make him believe that someone could like him for who he really was, without all of the bullshit and the fake smiles.

* * *

"I think you should wear the button down," Gabriel said from where he was applying black faint paint to the area around Sam's eyes. "The blue, it makes your eyes pop. You have great eyes, Cas. I'm always telling you that. Play up your strengths."

"I don't even want to go anymore," Castiel said dejectedly looking down at the two shirts he had narrowed himself down to, one of which he would wear to meet his blind date at Meg's party.

"You're going." His older brother said firmly, tossing down the cotton balls in his hand and moving to grab the costumes he had rented for himself and the younger Winchester to wear to the Halloween festivities that they were attending. "I'm tired of seeing you moping around here hiding away from having normal, teenage experiences. You're allowed to have fun and date and act crazy every once and a while."

"Give him a break, Gabs." Sam said taking the offered garment bag from the smaller man and then giving him an affectionate shove towards the bathroom. "Go get dressed, we're gonna be late."

Gabriel stuck his tongue out at the younger man, but went to do what he said pausing long enough to point a stern finger at his little brother. "I spent a fortune on that fucking monstrosity of a costume so you better be there, Cas."

He nodded miserably and glanced over at the pair of wings that were hanging up on the back of Gabriel's bedroom door. Castiel had begged for his older brother to order them for him off of Etsy over two weeks ago when he and the rest of his friends had been sitting around at lunch throwing around ideas for Halloween costumes. Garth had offhandedly said something about how Cas should dress up as an angel since at the time Meg was saying that she was going to dress up as the devil, but she had changed her mind when Luc had leveled his most unamused glare at her when she brought it up the next time Castiel was at the couple's apartment eating dinner.

Once it was said however, Dean had gotten this excited look on his face and even though he knew that he shouldn't keep beating a dead horse, Castiel had decided to go ahead splurge on the idea that made the other boy light up like it was Christmas. Gabriel made him promise that he would clean the gutters and do the dishes for the next month before he had agreed to fork over the money for the very realistic and expensive costume that had cost extra since they were a rush order.

Now he just felt stupid for still caring enough to want to try to please Dean. His friend hadn't spoken to him all day Thursday and hadn't shown up at school or the game on Friday at all, much to Coach Wisdom's displeasure. And the only explanation that Castiel could think of was that the other boy was too disgusted by him to want be around him anymore. If Cas had just been able to keep how he was feeling in check then maybe this all wouldn't have happened. He knew that it was one thing for Dean to be supportive and accepting of the fact that Sam liked other men they were family after all, but it was a completely different story when he had to spend every day stuck with a boy who just wouldn't stop mooning at him like a silly prepubescent girl with a crush.

"Cas," Sam said quietly, drawing him away from the brooding direction that his thoughts were taking. "I really think you should talk to him."

"I'm going to go to the party, Sam. Gabriel doesn't need to worry, Anna and I are going to ride with Jo because my wings won't fit into the back of the Cadillac." Castiel assured the other boy, through god only knew how much his brother had spent renting his and Sam's own Batman and Robin costumes for the evening.

"Not, Gabriel." The younger man said, twisting his hands anxiously. "Dean's really fucked up right now, Cas. You're his best friend, he talks about you all of the time and I don't know what happened, but I think you hurt his feelings."

"Well, he hurt my feelings." Castiel snapped crossing his arms over his chest and spinning away from Sam so that his friend's brother wouldn't see how upset he really was. "I didn't mean to make him uncomfortable, but he is the one who can't deal with the fact that I like him. I shouldn't have to apologize for that, it's not fair."

"No it's not." Sam agreed moving behind the older boy and placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. "But neither is the fact that for his whole life, Dean has had to act a certain way and talk a certain way so that people don't see the things that he's struggling with underneath all of the flirting and being Mr. All-American football guy. Everything that he has missed out on having because of how self-sacrificing he is has been because of me."

"I'm sure that's not true, Sam." He replied turning around to look up at the other boy.

"No, it is." The younger man said sadly. "And for a long time I was willing to just let him give up on being with someone who he really cared about, who really cared about him because I thought it was what he wanted. But, Cas, every since your family moved here, Dean has been so much happier than I've ever seen him and the only thing that's really changed for him is you."

Castiel sucked in a sharp breath and bit his lip, if only Sam knew how much he wished that was true.

"Dean's not good with telling people that he cares about them, especially if he thinks that they would be better off not knowing how he feels. He's just gotten so used to letting go of everything he wants because it's all he knows how to do, but I know my brother, Cas. And I know how he acts when something is really important to him and how he is now since he thinks he's lost you, just fucking miserable and destroyed. Well, I think you might be the most important thing to ever happen to him."

He couldn't stop himself from letting out the small sob that escaped him, Castiel didn't even know if he wanted to stop it. Maybe he still had a chance to fix things with Dean, at least salvage their friendship if nothing else. But he wasn't going to let himself hope for more.

* * *

"They were my fucking friends first," Dean muttered to himself as he stormed down the stairwell in his apartment complex, resolved that he was going to Meg's fucking party and he didn't care how uncomfortable he made Cas or anyone else who might know how he felt about the other boy.

He made a point to stay as far away from Meg's side of the building as possible so that he wouldn't run into anyone he knew before he was ready to. Dean was heading over to Bobby's house to borrow some last minute things for his Mal costume, namely a gun holster and the older man's antique Colt pistol that he had promised Dean the use of if he spent all day Sunday detailing the cars that were going to be picked up by their owners over the next week.

When Dean cranked the engine to the Impala he was greeted with the last song on Cas's tape blaring out at him where he had left it playing the cover of "Any Way You Want It" turned all the way up when he had driven home from school on Thursday, needing the loud music to drown out how he was feeling anytime he thought of Castiel taking pity on him by being his friend still when Dean finally broke down and told him that he couldn't live without the other boy in his life, even if it was awkward and different than it had been before Anna had told her brother about Dean liking him.

He hadn't even gone to school on Friday because he was so scared that he would embarrass himself and Castiel with some unwanted romantic declaration for the other boy that everyone would see and make fun of him for when he was inevitably turned down. Instead he had stayed in bed all day, listening to songs that reminded him of Cas on Sam's laptop and drinking from one of his dad's bottles of whiskey that he was pretty sure John wouldn't miss.

The song ended a couple of minutes later as he drove through the crowded streets that contained the bars near the college and Dean automatically reached out to push the rewind button as he had done so many times since the cassette had gotten stuck in Baby's tape deck. He almost hit a large pastel-clad group of sorority girls who were starting their bar hopping early when he heard the almost forgotten whir and click of the tape flipping over.

The first song was this poppy little repetitive number, girls just saying over and over "I've liked you for a thousand years." It hit a little too close to home when it started talking about not being able to wait to see the person that the song was for and the other person not being able to stand to see them in a different way. Dean had to take a moment to remind himself that Cas had made this tape for him back before even he had known that he liked the other boy as much as he did so it wasn't some veiled snub directed towards him.

The second song was faster and it was a guy singing about getting away from the rest of the world with the person they liked. Escaping to some island somewhere because they were with the one person that they wanted to be with and no one else mattered. He laughed at the mention of 'making love with your hand', god that pretty much summed up the entirety of his sexual encounters since Jo's birthday party because after that the dreams about Castiel had started.

The third one was a little bit more somber, the line that just hit him like a ton of bricks was, "I'm trying hard not to stare, trying hard to be cool." Because that's exactly the way he knew he had been acting since he had started liking Castiel. But he felt better by the end of it, because it was sweet how it finished on a hopeful note, like the guy singing it was just imagining how the person who the song was about would reciprocate their feelings and how wonderful it could be when they were together.

Dean started to get to the part of town where there were less paved streets and more gravel, the dust off the road was kicking up as he drove and he blamed the stinging in his eyes on the fact that the cold evening air was whipping the particles in through his open windows. Bobby's house, shop and the surrounding scrap yard started to grow on the horizon and he just wanted to slow time down so that he could think for a while because his mind was going a million miles a minute.

He turned off the car quickly when he parked, before the next song could start and he would be forced to wallow in his own self-pity some more. Dean climbed out of the car and ambled into Bobby's house, not bothering to knock since the creaky old, structure was more of a home to him than any of the apartments that his father had shuffled him and Sam through had ever been.

"Bobby!" he called through the house, going into the kitchen to see if the older man had any pie stashed away somewhere, Dean's own affinity for the desert being a direct result of it always having been around when he was a kid eating dinner or staying the night at his surrogate uncle's house. It was a staple of his childhood and it always made him feel better when nothing else could.

"I'm coming boy," Dean heard the older man grumble from the hallway that led back towards the living room and Bobby's massive study/library. "Don't get your panties in a twist."

The grizzled man appeared in the doorway to the kitchen and tossed the gun holster and pistol on to the table with a tired sounding grumble.

"You ok, Bobby?" Dean asked finding a small slice of apple pie shoved way into the back of the other man's fridge, hidden behind a bottle of the cheap, rotgut whiskey that the younger man knew Bobby kept stocked.

"Boy yer like a garbage disposal," Bobby groused seeing the boy take a bite out of the piece of pie he had been saving for Dean's father the next time John ended up passed out on his living room couch. The two older men always used to joke that pie was the best cure for a hangover. "Here's the stuff you asked fer. Just don't mess up my gun. That's an antique, worth more than yer sorry hide and Sam's combined."

"I'll be careful with it, Bobby." Dean promised abandoning the pie in favor of the pistol and running his fingers over the filigree. A thought struck him, "Can I ask you a question?"

"If it's you asking to get out of work tomorrow, forget it." Bobby said moving over to the cabinet and pulling out a tumbler. The older man stopped when he saw the broken expression of the boy who was as good as his own son and leaned back against the counter instead, crossing his arms over his chest. "What's got you all riled up?"

"I was just wondering, did my dad ever…I mean…shit…has my dad always been so…homophobic?"

The older man squinted at Dean for a second, "Yer asking 'cause Sam is seeing that boy, right?"

Dean rubbed his neck and looked up at the water spot in the corner of Bobby's kitchen ceiling that was vaguely shaped like a dagger. "Yea. I just don't know how far my dad will go if he finds out. Sam's just a kid, I mean…the worst he can do is kick him out or something, right?"

"You know I ain't gonna let either of you boys go without a roof over yer heads." Bobby said defensively. "No matter what, you'll always both be welcome here, I don't care who you choose to take to bed with you. Yer still my boys."

The younger man cleared his throat and blinked his eyes a couple of times before giving the other man a shaky smile, "Thanks Bobby. If we need somewhere…well, it's just good to know Sam has options."

"I meant you too, ya idjit. I met that boy, Castiel down at the dinner. He seemed nice, real taken with you so he must not be as smart as you made him out to be."

"It's not like that, Bobby." Dean said quickly, putting up his hands to protect himself instinctively.

His dad had beaten the shit out of him when his mom had told the older Winchester about Andy Gallagher, thinking it was a cute story that John would laugh at. The bruises had just started to fade when his parents had had their last, big fight and Mary had packed her bags and left for good.

A hurt look crossed Bobby's face at the gesture and Dean quickly dropped his hands back to his sides, wishing he had pockets in the pants he was wearing for his costume.

"Well, if it ain't like that then you two have yer head so far up yer asses it's a wonder either one of ya can breathe. That boy is downright smitten with you, Dean and if you knew what was good for ya you'd grab onto that and never let anyone take it from ya."

Dean was taken aback slightly by the impassioned speech, he didn't think he had ever heard Bobby sound so sincere about anything that wasn't related to someone's car and he wondered if maybe there was something to what the older man was telling him. But he didn't even know where to begin with fixing things with Cas, but he knew better than to argue with the other man about how pointless the

whole situation was.

So Dean nodded like he agreed, picked up the props he was borrowing from the other man, and said goodbye before promising to be back early in the morning to get started in the shop, whether or not he was hung over as hell from Meg's party.

He slung the holster around his hips as he walked out the door and straightened his suspenders before climbing back into the Impala and turning back towards his apartment complex.

The fourth song well that was the one where Dean allowed everything Bobby had said to him to finally start sinking in. It started out talking about how the silence was keeping them quiet and Dean thought that that might mean that they were waiting on the other person to be the first one to say something. He started regretting never just telling Cas that he liked him, because then the other boy wouldn't have had to hear it from his little sister of all people. The lyric that tore his heart out was "I really think if we talk we might kiss." Because that's not how it was going to be with his friend, Dean couldn't see how any kind of talk about feelings could end positively for the two of them.

The next song, made him smile because it was upbeat and silly and he could just picture Castiel singing along with it as he dubbed the song over onto the cassette. He figured it was probably about Meg, since it kept talking about kissing, about getting the nerve to dive in and give it a shot. Take that chance on another person even though it scared the hell out of them. The other boy was probably still trying to get up the nerve to kiss his new girlfriend.

The last song, was sad. Dean couldn't say what it was about the song that just made him know before he even heard the first lyric this was it. This was the last little part of Castiel that he was going to get that meant something. After this he would have to deal with just getting the superficial aspects of a friendship that he wished was something more.

_All I know is that you're so nice_  
You're the nicest thing I've seen  
I wish that we could give it a go  
See if we could be something 

It was slow and each word hit him right it in the gut. It was by far the longest song on the B-side of the tape and he found himself sitting in the Impala looking up at his apartment complex like it had taken no time at all to get there and listening to the words as his heart beat unsteadily in his chest.

_I wish you had a favourite beauty spot_  
That you loved secretly  
'Cause it was on a hidden bit  
That nobody else could see  
Basically, I wish that you loved me  
I wish that you needed me  
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,  
Actually I meant three 

_I wish that without me your heart would break_   
_I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake_   
_I wish that without me you couldn't eat_   
_I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep_

_Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen_   
_And I wish that we could see if we could be something_   
_Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something_

Dean squeezed his eyes shut and bent over the steering wheel of his car fighting the urge to scream or cry or punch something because for the first time in his life he thought he was in a place to understand those words and when Cas had made him this tape there was no way he could have meant all of these songs in the way that Dean hoped he did. Because it was what? A week after Cas had met Meg that he had made Dean the tape and even if he had been able to admit back then that he was starting to feel something for the other boy it was already too late. He couldn't fool himself into thinking that these songs had the same kind of meaning for his friend as they did for him.

He straightened up and wiped at his eyes angrily before turning around and snatching the brown duster out of his back seat. Dean had a party to get to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm sorry I left this a cliffhanger too after promising last week to make it count, but guess what!? In honor of it being SPN's b-day I'm going to post the next chapter tonight as well! Yay! Still let me know what you think, I love you all.
> 
> Also if you would like to know the playlist for Cas's b-side I literally made one to listen to while I wrote this chapter. You can find it on my tumblr:deathsteelwriter.


	13. The Nicest Thing

When he walked in the door of Meg's apartment his first thought was about how loud the music seemed in comparison to what he had been listening to in the car and it felt like the girl had done it on purpose just to annoy him which was ridiculous because Meg was probably really very nice and if he wanted to stay in Castiel's life he was probably going to have to learn to get along with her.

Dean's second thought was that the layout of Meg's apartment was this weird mirror image of his own and it kinda freaked him out a bit, but at least he would be able to find the bathroom without having to ask anyone.

He stopped to chat with Ash and Krissy for a moment and it took them explaining the reasoning behind their costumes a couple of times before Dean burst out laughing when he finally got it. His friend was dressed up in his normal clothes with some fake smears of blood on his hands and face, but besides that the other boy was just walking around with a box of Frosted Flakes that had a big carving knife sticking out of it in his hand.

"Dude, cereal killer. It's funny right?" Ash asked seeming pretty proud of himself.

"Classic, man." Dean said feeling like maybe this night wouldn't be completely horrible as long as his friends were still acting like everything was normal, like he was normal.

He pointed at his friend's date and squinted for a moment at her expertly applied Kiss make up that was just like the kind Ace Frehley wore on stage during performances. Except that the younger girl was wearing a black and white striped boat neck shirt and a black beret. It was freaking genius and Dean was happy that his friend had found someone who shared Ash's weird brand of humor. "French Kiss?"

Krissy nodded at him and smiled when Ash wrapped a hand around her waist to pull her closer. "I like your costume, Dean. Everyone else did like a couples costume thing, that just seemed real lame so I didn't even tell Ash what I was going as until he picked me up for the party."

"Yea, and I just took stopped on the way here for a box of cereal and a fake knife. I wasn't even gonna dress up at all." Ash supplied reaching down and snagging his drink off of the kitchen table with one of the fingers that was griping the cereal box.

"Hey, uh have you guys seen Jo around anywhere?" Dean asked trying to spot the blonde hair of his friend. Her and Adam were supposed to be dressing up as Garth and Wayne from _Wayne's World_ and he wanted to run the whole speech he had worked up in his head for Cas by her before dragging his friend away from Meg who he would probably be all wrapped up in.

Ash shook his head, giving Garth a high five as he passed by with drinks for himself and Becky who was looming over in the corner all decked out in orange. "Nah, man she was gonna pick up ice or something, but Adam's here with his cousin. I think I saw them somewhere over in the corner of the living room or something."

He headed towards the living room, intending to look for Adam so that he could have someone to talk to that wasn't currently all cuddled up to whoever they were dating. Meg's apartment was full of a weird mix of people, not nearly as many people as he was used to recognizing from school were there, more of the guests were college-aged and he supposed that the girl only hung around with him and his friends because of Cas. Dean had just politely excused his way through a group of guys dressed up like different superheroes when he reached the small bubble of space that had formed around the coffee table in the middle of the room.

Dean looked around the room trying to spot his friend, but what he saw made him feel so many things it was like this miasma of conflicting, noxious emotions. Vindication was one of them because he had always thought the other girl was a terrible person. Happiness, anger, sadness, they all kinda blended together as he strode across the small space, not really caring that he was practically pushing people out of the way in his haste to get to where Meg was sitting in some tall, blonde guy's lap with her tongue down his throat.

The pair looked up at his approach and the simpering little smile that Meg gave him made Dean want to throw up all over her face. She was dressed in a pink two piece jacket and skirt outfit with a little matching pill box hat on her hair that was styled into an exaggerated, stiff looking bouffant. The man, because he was probably old enough to already be out of college, who she was with was good-looking in that classic way that guys were in the 1960s and was wearing a suit with a red tie and a little American flag pin on his lapel.

"Hey, Deano." Meg said like it was just no big deal that she was cheating on her boyfriend in the middle of a party that was full of the Cas's friends and looking over his outfit as she draped an arm around the man she was with's neck. "I gotta say you're costumes a little bit better than I thought it would be."

"Are you fucking kidding me right now?" Dean asked loudly, not really caring if any of the other people at the party heard him confronting the smaller woman. Everyone deserved to know what a horrible person she was.

"No," she replied with a shrug. "I figured you would just toss on your shoulder pads and flash your dimples around and expect everyone here to just fall all over themselves worshipping you. That's what you get off on right? Having everyone treat you like your god's gift to the world and you can just be a jerk to all of the people who are dumb enough not to see through your bullshit?"

"Where do _you_ get off saying I'm full of shit, Meg?!" He practically shouted, gesturing towards the guy who was looking distinctly confused about what was going on with the two people in front of him.

"This is Dean?" The man asked Meg. "Cas's Dean?"

"So you know about Cas? You know that she has a boyfriend and you're just going along with letting her cheat on him?!" This was just unbelievable.

"Oh. My. God." Meg said getting to her feet and accenting each word with a wave of her hands at Dean. "I get it now. You're fucking brain damaged. You've been tackled so many times that you just don't have that filter between your mouth and your stupid fucking brain anymore. Of course Luc knows I have a boyfriend, you moron!"

"Fuck you, Meg!" Dean shouted over the music. "You're a bitch and I wanted to warn Cas about you but you just made him so happy and when he finds out about you cheating on him with this pretty boy it's going to break his fucking heart. You don't fucking deserve him."

"What are you talking about!? You're a crazy person, Dean!" Meg screamed back at him, looking more confused than angry, but not yet over the fact that Dean kept calling her a bitch. "Luc is my boyfriend, how could I be cheating on Cas?"

Dean pointed an angry finger at the girl, ready to keep calling her names and telling her off on his friend's behalf until someone threw him out of the apartment, but what she had just said registered right before he busted out and called her the 'C' word and he really didn't like to call girls that, but god he was seeing red.

"So, what? You and Cas broke up or something and you've already moved on? You guys were together like two days ago!"

Meg took a deep breath like she was getting ready to keep shouting at him, but then Luc reached out and put a hand on her wrist. The small woman turned and looked at the man who was still sitting in the armchair and Dean could visibly see the anger and tension draining out of her.

"Maybe we can move this conversation to somewhere less…public?" The man said softly to Meg.

Dean looked around and most of the party guests were watching the standoff between him and the other girl with expressions of horrified curiosity. He felt his face begin to heat up under the scrutiny and gave a curt nod when Luc stood up and led him and Meg down the hallway to one of the rooms that branched off.

The younger man looked around the space as the other man led Meg off to the side and talked to her softly, rubbing her arms in a comforting way when she kept shooting angry looks at Dean. It was a bedroom and in Dean's apartment it would've been the one that belonged to him and Sam since it was slightly bigger than the other one. There was a large bed with a tasteful dark, purple bedspread and different art prints on the walls. There was a big framed poster of Shepard Fairey's Obama campaign poster over the dresser and film poster for _The Black Dahlia_ in between the two windows.

Dean focused on his breathing and paced back and forth across the room with his hands on his hips in an effort to help himself calm down. It was more than just the anger over his confrontation with Meg that was making his heart race. Castiel was single and he was coming to the party and maybe it wouldn't be completely insane to just go up to him and confess all of his feelings instead of just settling by trying to patch things up enough to keep the other boy in his life.

He stopped in front of one of the nightstands beside the bed and looked down at it as he considered his options. The table had a small lamp on it as well as a copy of _Atlas Shrugged_ with some reading glasses on top of it, a man's watch and a glass of water. It looked just like the kind of stuff that Dean kept next to his own bed. He glanced over to the two people across the bed from him who were still talking and couldn't help his gaze from sliding over to the other bedside table. On that one there was a hairbrush, a digital alarm clock, a copy of the lastest _Cosmopolitan_ and a framed picture. It was of Meg and Luc standing in front of a snowy backdrop in big, puffy coats and holding onto each other as they smiled for the camera.

Dean sat down heavily on the bed and Meg shot a sharp glance over at him as he dropped his head into his hands and let out a strangled groan.

"I'll just leave you two to talk," Luc said giving Meg a small kiss on the cheek and then moving over towards the door. "If you feel the need to kill each other, well, just don't get blood all over the place. We're already gonna have enough of a mess to clean up after tonight."

The girl moved slowly around the bed and sat down next to Dean with a small, irritated huff. He kept his face in his hands in order to give him something that he could use to ground himself for what he was pretty sure the girl was about to say to him.

"I don't know why you don't like me, Dean." Meg began. "Pretty much the entire time I've known you you've been nothing but a jerk to me. But for some reason, Cas thinks that there's more to you than the asshole jock that you pretend to be in front of everyone else. He told me that he thinks you do it to keep yourself from getting hurt. Dean, he thinks the world of you."

"Were you ever dating him, Meg?" Dean asked looking up at the girl beside him.

She shook her head and looked up at the ceiling. "I've been dating Luc for almost two years now. Castiel and I have never been anything but friends."

"But at Jo's party, you were flirting with him and then when he came back later it was to talk to you. You guys slept in that fucking hammock together for christ's sake and I know for a fact that that thing is not comfortable."

Meg shrugged and made a face that looked kinda like she agreed with Dean about the hammock. "My back hurt for a week after that, but seriously Cas was only out there with me because you were, well he wouldn't tell me what you were doing. He was kind of upset, but I saw you go off with that girl that you had been with all night and only you, her, and God know what you got up to. And Cas, I'm pretty sure he walked in on you with her or something."

"No," Dean said shaking his head slowly and looking down at his hands. "I don't remember a lot about that party, but I'd remember if something like that happened."

"Well, maybe you just didn't care if he saw you go off with someone else. It's not like you're doing anything to keep him from knowing about the girls you run around with now." Meg said starting to sound angry again a little, but trying harder to keep it in check.

"There are no other girls, Meg, not that it's any of your fucking business. There hasn't been anyone since that party. I want…well, I don't want Cas to see me like that."

"Well, aren't you just the bestest little boy scout?" The girl replied sarcastically. "Do you think you're doing Castiel any favors by letting him think you care about him? Because you're not, he's trying to move on and you always being around and monopolizing his time is not making it any easier for him. You had your chance and obviously you can't deal with feelings like a normal person, so maybe you just need to back off and let him get over you. Though, I gotta say the whole ignorance is bliss tactic was pretty shallow, even for you."

Dean's head shot up at just about the same time that his heart dropped and the feeling was a lot like what he imagined vertigo would be like because his mouth went dry and he felt dizzy from what he thought he was hearing from the other girl, but he had to be sure. "What do you mean I had my chance?"

"You're really going to keep pretending like Cas didn't pour his heart out to you on that fucking tape? That is some cold shit, Dean. You think I'm heartless but really you're the one who doesn't deserve him. He's too good for someone who can't even get past their friend having a crush on them just because they're another guy. Seriously? This may be Kansas, but it's not Nazi Germany. You don't have to vilify him for liking you."

He couldn't breathe. Where had all of the air gone? It was just here a minute ago, the room had literally been full of it and now it felt like he was in a vacuum or space because his lungs just wouldn't work and he was going to pass out. Dean Winchester was going to faint like a girl from Victorian England whose corset was laced too tight and it still wasn't going to be the most embarrassing thing he had ever done.

"Dean? Dean!" Meg said getting to her feet and moving to take his face in her hands. She looked scared, like she was seeing someone get murdered right in front of her and wouldn't that be poetic justice because Dean felt like that one Simpsons episode when Bart gets his heart ripped out, a trail of blood striping down the wall to the waste basket where the organ was thrown by the girl he likes.

"The tape?" he managed to whisper.

"Yea," the girl said searching his face as she dropped her hands down to his shoulders and he was grateful because he felt like without the support of this girl he had literally hated less than fifteen minutes ago then he would be laid out on the floor just from the way he was feeling right now. "The damn tape he spent like ten hours or something making for you. The one that you never talked to him about because it made you uncomfortable."

"The one that's been stuck in my cassette player for a month." Dean looked at Meg and willed her to understand.

Her eyes widened. "You didn't know? You didn't know that he liked you?"

Dean shook his head and took a deep, shaky breath. Cas liked him. Or had liked him. All of those songs that he had just been listening to and feeling like they only applied to how he felt about the other boy were really for him. Castiel had meant those words to speak for him because for some reason he couldn't do it himself. They were both so self-destructive and stupid.

"Shit, Dean." Meg said taking her hands off of him like he was made of scalding metal. "Don't tell him I told you. And don't treat him differently, it would just kill him if you weren't his friend anymore. Your brother's gay right? So it won't be weird for you to just keep hanging out with him, you're not like a crazy conservative or anything are you?"

"Don't be stupid," Dean said making a face at her; he was only half paying attention to what she was saying because he was still too busy going over what the songs had been about in his head and trying to figure out if it was too late to tell Cas that he felt the same way. "He's my best friend."

"Okay, well…um, now that that's sorted out. I guess enjoy the party or whatever, maybe you can stop being such an asshole to me all of the time now that you know I'm not defiling your best buddy."

Meg straightened her hat and quickly walked of the room, letting the door close shut behind her. Less than a second later it opened again and the girl returned, tripping over to him in her heels that were the same color pink as the rest of her outfit. She grabbed onto the lapels of Dean's duster and hauled him to his feet before turning him around and pushing him up against the wall. The larger boy tried to protest, but the small woman seemed to be driven by some kind of crazy, strength that frankly scared the shit out of him.

"Holy shit!" she hissed at him over the music that was spilling in through the open bedroom door. "You like him."

"Meg—" Dean began reaching up and prying her hands off of him as gently as he could.

"Don't even think about lying to me, Winchester." She continued. "I've dealt with you treating me like shit this whole time because of how Cas feels about you. If anyone deserves to know, it's me."

"If anyone deserves to know, it's him." He spat out, giving up all pretense of being nice to Meg and just pushing her off of him.

"So you do? You like Cas."

Dean clenched his jaw for a moment before giving the smaller woman a curt nod.

"For how long?"

"For about as long as I've not liked you." He admitted angrily, glancing over at the sliver of living room that he could see.

"You've got to tell him," Meg said quickly, pulling her phone out of nowhere and beginning to type out a message.

"I planned on it!" Dean shouted reaching for the phone in her hand, he was damned if he was going to let Cas find out he liked him via text message from Meg, that would be even worse than if Anna had told him.

The woman moved away so that her back was towards him and she was talking over her shoulder. "I'm not telling him, jocko homo. He's riding here with Jo, I'm finding out how long until they get here."

Her phone chimed in her hand and she looked down at the screen.

"Fifteen minutes." Meg declared slipping the phone back into the pocket of her jacket. "You better get a drink and grow some balls, Casanova, because if you don't go talk to Cas tonight then I'm literally going to kill you. Luc may have been joking earlier, but I will not hesitate to sink your body in a lake somewhere."

* * *

"God, how desperate for ice is she?" Jo muttered sliding behind the wheel of her truck after helping Cas and Anna get the older boy's costume safely stowed in the pickup bed.

She tossed her phone down into the cup holder and smiled over at the two siblings as she pointed her truck towards the convenience store closest to Meg's apartment complex.

"Is Meg sending you threatening text messages too?" Cas asked looking across his little sister who was seated in the center of the bench and whose own wings were settled in her lap.

Jo nodded, pushing up the fake glasses on her nose that she was wearing for her costume, some character out of a movie that Castiel had never heard of, but it wasn't much different from what she normally wore to school, her hair was just ratted up and her clothes were a bit baggier.

"She's started writing in all caps, so I guess she's cyber-yelling at me now."

"Yea, she's been sending me messages since people started showing up at her apartment. In the last one she told me that Adam and Michael had just gotten there." Castiel said pulling out his phone and looking down at the last message he had received from Meg over half an hour before.

He had asked her to warn him if Dean showed up so that he could prepare himself for any awkwardness that might still be lingering between the two of them before he worked up the nerve to try to patch up their friendship as the other boy's brother had suggested.

"Well, it would've been nice if she had forwarded that one to me. Adam's phone is probably dead; he's been playing Words with Friends with Michael since he got here this morning. Those two are the worst when they're together."

"Why?" Anna asked. The younger Novak cast a knowing glance at Castiel and he felt himself blanch.

Both of his siblings knew about his blind date with Adam's cousin, but he still hadn't worked up the nerve to tell Jo that he was not going to keep waiting on Dean even though he would wait forever if that's how long it took for the other boy to even consider being with him. But in his therapy session with Rachel on Thursday they had talked a lot about being assertive and taking chances on things so he hadn't told Adam to cancel the date even though Cas didn't know if he could go through the entire night trying to be charming and witty when his heart wasn't really in it.

Not when he knew now that Dean was just as miserable about their falling out as he was. Not when he thought back to another party and how close he felt like he and Dean had come to having something significant before Gabriel and Sam had gotten their big, ugly faces punched in by some redneck assholes. Maybe he was still a little bitter about everything that had happened that night, but it was hard not to be when Dean looked at him and talked to him like he was something important. Like he was something worth giving everything up for.

"God, they have like this crazy, dysfunctional family and Michael is always trying to drag Adam into it even though it's just him and his mom and they're only related to each other through his dad who's not even in the picture anymore. I think Adam only bothers with him because his mom is always telling him that he needs to make the most of the family he does have. Anyway, when they're together it's just exhausting trying to keep up with all of the names and dramas going on."

Anna whipped her head around towards Castiel, her curled red hair bouncing under the green crown of leaves and baby's breath she was wearing for her wood nymph costume and gave him a pointed look. Cas thought she looked a lot like a ginger Tinkerbell with her green dress and her sparkly wings, but she had pointed out the greenery in her hair and the vines that she had painted flowing up her arms and legs and he had conceded that if it was dark enough she probably would be able to blend in with the forest fairly well since she was so willowy already. Supposedly Gilda was dressing up as a water nymph to compliment the other girl's outfit and Castiel just hoped that it turned out looking more like Ophelia and less like Ariel.

"Well, if he's good looking I guess that makes up for having a messed up family," Castiel supplied and he couldn't help from thinking of Dean as he said it since the other boy's family was pretty unusual in its own way.

"Don't say that in front of him, Cas." Jo warned throwing the truck into park as she pulled up to the store so she could go in and get some ice for the party. "You'll give him a big head and you're all innocent looking and according to Adam, he likes his boy's naive and willing to say yes to anything."

"I'm not naive," he mumbled sourly, crossing his arms over his chest and wondering if he ducked out of Meg's part how long would it take anyone to notice. Dean's apartment was right across the building, surely he could make it over there to talk to the other boy before anyone realized he was gone.

* * *

Dean took Meg's advice and went off to find himself a stiff drink before he was forced to talk to Castiel and fix this whole fucking mess that they had somehow gotten themselves into. All he had in his system was the pie he had eaten at Bobby's house earlier in the day and about half a bottle of his dad's whiskey from the day before. Oh, yea and some tacos that he had made Sam go out and get him when he had been in his bed crying over that damn cover of fucking _Call Me Maybe_ and acting like his heart wasn't broken.

Almost as if by thinking about him, Dean had somehow summoned his gargantuan brother he spotted the boy leaning up against the kitchen counter with his arm around Gabriel's shoulders as they talked to a couple of other people. He tried not to smile as he took in Sam's costume, Dean didn't know what place sold a Robin costume that big, but the younger man looked hilarious next to Gabriel dressed as miniature Batman.

"Dude," he said slipping up beside his brother. "When you told me what you and Gabe were coming as I thought you were gonna be Batman?"

"Why, because I'm short?" Gabe snapped making his voice lower than usual in order to sound more like the caped crusader.

"Well, yea." Dean admitted taking the glass of beer offered to him by Sam and giving his brother a withering look for having it in the first place.

"Gabs is a great Batman, Dean." Sam said hauling the shorter man in for a kiss and Dean made an exaggerated wrenching sound as he looked away from their little display of affection.

"Thanks, moosey." Gabriel said in his normal voice, staring up at his boyfriend with a smile on his face and then looking at Dean. "Plus Sam's legs look way better in tights then mine ever will."

"Ugh." Dean said jumping back from his brother a bit. "Too much info! I do not want a visual of you in tights Gabe."

"You're loss," Sam teased causing Gabriel to laugh at the way Dean's face went white at the comment.

Dean downed the rest of the beverage in his cup and looked around the room to see if he could spot Castiel yet. "I'm gonna need to be drunk to deal with you two all night. Where's the keg?"

"Dining room," Sam said pointing over the heads of the people around them to where the alcohol lived.

"At least I don't have to worry about you driving home drunk," Dean said to his little brother before moving towards where Sam had indicated. He called back over his shoulder as a thought struck him, "Just make sure you put a tie on the door or something, give a guy some warning."

"Will do, citizen!" Gabriel called to him in his exaggerated Batman voice.

He rolled his eyes and shouldered his way through the crowd until he reached the keg that was standing in a large tub of ice and being manned by Adam who was dressed as the Wayne to what Dean knew was Jo's Garth and another boy dressed up as a T-Bird with a black leather jacket, a white t-shirt and slicked back dark hair.

"Hey man," Dean said reaching out and giving Adam a clap on the back.

His friend regarded him with wide eyes and a forced looking smile before glancing over at the boy next to him who was watching Dean with a curious look on his face. It kinda reminded him of how Cas looked at him sometimes, but it was harder and something was off about it, but he couldn't really put his finger on what.

"Hey, didn't think you were gonna show up tonight. You weren't at school yesterday, we were really worried about you, dude." Adam said offering Dean a full cup of beer.

He took the red, plastic glass and slid it into the empty one that he was already carrying from Sam as he nodded guiltily and took a long sip. Dean had gotten a lot of texts from the whole gang asking where he was, if he was okay and he hadn't bothered to reply to any of them waiting for the one from Cas that would tell him that everything was still okay between them.

"Yea, man. There was just this thing that happened after movie night and I needed some time to sort myself out."

Adam nodded in understanding before he gestured over to the boy who was still staring at Dean and it was kinda starting to creep him out a bit. "This is my cousin, Michael. He's down from Kansas City for the weekend."

Dean reached out a hand for the boy to shake and was surprised when the other man leaned into talk to him as they clasped hands. "Are you Castiel?"

"No," Dean said giving the boy a confused look and surreptitiously trying to shake off the way his skin was crawling where Michael had touched him. "I'm Dean."

"Oh," The man said giving him a long look as he stepped back with a predatory smile on his face. "Adam just told me he was good-looking and you're the best looking guy I've seen here so far, I thought you might be my date. But I guess even I'm not that lucky."

"Mike!" Adam hissed at his cousin under his breath before turning towards Dean. "I'm sorry Dean. Castiel asked me to set them up, since you…didn't like him that way."

Dean swallowed around the dry lump that was in his throat and suddenly it was like Meg's words were on a loop in his head, _he's trying to move on… trying to move on…move on._

Of course Cas wasn't going to wait on him forever, Dean felt so ridiculous for thinking that maybe it wasn't too late to tell his friend that he was pretty sure he falling for him. If only he had fucking pried that goddamn tape out of Baby's dash then he wouldn't have thrown away the chance to be with his friend in the way he wanted to be.

"It's fine, Adam." Dean mumbled, looking over at Michael and trying to figure how Cas would feel being trapped in this other boy's gaze.

Even now, after finding out that Dean wasn't who he thought he was Michael was still looking at him like he wanted to figure out a way to climb inside of him and ride around in him like a meat suit. Dean had to get away from that look, the one that made him feel the Tauntaun probably did right after Han Solo decided he would make a really good sleeping bag for Luke Skywalker.

He turned to walk away, but felt someone grab onto his elbow. Dean looked back to see Michael standing right in his face with a self-assured look in his eyes.

"I'm here all weekend, Dean. If things don't work out here tonight, maybe we can get together sometime," Micheal said lowly, his blue eyes flicking down to Dean's lips and back up.

"Seriously?" This guy was hitting on him right after Adam pretty much said Dean and Cas were like almost a thing.

"Just say yes." The other boy murmured leaning into Dean's ear.

"How about not just no, but fuck no!" Dean said loudly and he saw Adam take a step towards the pair with a concerned look on his face. This was it, everyone was going to think make up what they wanted to about him after tonight anyway, might as well give them a good show. "I'm kind of a one man guy, Michael. So not only are you not getting a date with me, but you're sure as hell not getting anywhere near Cas, asshole."

He snatched his elbow away and stormed off angrily across the apartment. Dean abandoned his cup on a table that was near the front door and ran a hand through his hair before he decided that yes, he needed some air. And he needed his phone because he was going to call Cas and tell him not to bother with Adam's cousin because the guy was a sleaze ball. Everything else he would say to him face to face because his friend deserved to know how Dean felt and if everyone else knew, well then it would just be stupid not to come out and just say it himself.

Dean opened the front door, intending to go back to his apartment and get his phone, but stopped short when he met with the sight of the other boy standing at Meg's front door holding two large dripping bags of ice.

Castiel's eyes widened when he saw the larger boy and Dean was struck not for the first time by how gorgeous his friend was. He let his eyes roam unfettered over the smaller boy, Cas was wearing _the shirt,_ that blue and black buffalo check button down that Jo had sent him the picture of way back in the beginning of the school year. The one that the other boy had never worn to school and Dean was starting to think Cas hadn't actually bought it or had returned it later when he decided he didn't like it or that maybe Dean had made it up in his head because he had a thing for plaid and also for Cas in the color blue so his subconscious had combined the two together in his fantasies.

He had to stop himself from groaning when he realized that the hulking shadows looming over Cas's shoulders were a large, elaborate pair of wings. They weren't white and fluffy like he had pictured they would be when Garth had joked that their friend should dress up as an angel for the costumed holiday, no they were so much better. The wings arched up over Castiel's dark hair by at least a foot and were so big that the tips of the large primary feathers were brushing the ground at his feet. From what Dean could see they were colored in a gradient ranging from an oily, midnight black at the upmost arches above Cas's head to a soft grayish blue at the bottom.

Dean tried to make himself say something, either the apologetic speech that he had worked out in order to get back in his friend's good graces or maybe what he had figured out about Michael or even just tell him right there in the middle of the hallway that he thought Cas was amazing and funny and beautiful and that he cared him in a way that was more than friends. But nothing was coming out and as the silence stretched out around them Dean could feel the opportunity slipping away along with his chance to come clean with his friend.

Castiel cleared his throat and looked past Dean into the apartment. Dean turned around and saw Luc standing in the doorway watching them with something close to amusement on his face as he reached out and took the bags of ice from the other boy. The older man gave Dean a wink as he went back into the apartment and shut the door behind him with his foot, forcing the larger boy out into the hallway with his friend.

Dean watched how Cas was trying not to make eye contact with him and kept biting his lip and wringing his hands and he felt like something inside him broke seeing the other boy so distraught being around him, but he didn't know what he could say to fix it. All he knew was what he wanted to do and even though it might just fuck things up more it was what Dean needed to do in order to make everything stop spinning so out of control around him. He remembered the way Castiel's hand in his had made him feel grounded at Jo's party, how every time he touched the other boy it made his stomach stop twisting anxiously and made it easier to breathe and it made him feel like he could jump face first off of a cliff and greet the ground beneath him like it was an old friend.

Dean reached out and grabbed Castiel's face and pulled it towards his, crushing their lips together in a bruising kiss. It was hard and desperate and it might be the only one he got so he tried to pour everything he felt for the other boy into it as he felt Cas tense up beneath him. Their teeth knocked together and Dean tasted blood in his mouth from where he bit the inside of his cheek, but he didn't care because it was Cas and it felt real and right and better than anything else he had ever had in his whole life.

Castiel's hands came up between them and Dean knew this was it, the other boy was going to push him away and tell him he was too late. He was surprised when he felt his friend fist the material of Dean's own dark red button down in his hands and pull him closer. Dean groaned and moved one of his hands to sift through Cas's dark, messy hair and relaxed his hold on the stubbled cheek beneath his other hand to cup the other boy's jaw gently. The kiss became softer and it was only when they couldn't fight for air anymore that the two boys finally pulled far enough away from each other to draw in the panting gasps their burning lungs desperately needed.

He kept his eyes closed and his forehead pressed against Castiel's as the other boy began to gradually ease his grip on Dean's shirt until he was just smoothing out the wrinkles he had created on Dean's chest and moving his hands up to rest on the larger boy's shoulders.

"Not that I'm complaining," Castiel murmmered and Dean smiled when he heard the other boy's voice for what felt like the first time in years even though it had only been a couple of days since their big misunderstanding at Garth's house. "But what was that for?"

Dean sighed and pulled away slightly to look at Cas, his thumb gazing over the other boy's jaw and causing his friend's eyelashes to flutter in the most adorable way. What could he say that wouldn't sound completely insane? It was way too soon to be saying things like love, though this kinda felt like that and like didn't really seem to be enough to describe how happy and whole Castiel made him feel. He thought back to the songs that Cas had chosen to describe how he felt about Dean and tried not to mourn over all of the time that they had wasted getting to this point.

"Well," Dean began, clearing his throat when he heard how thick his voice sounded. "Cas, you're the nicest thing I've ever seen."

Castiel laughed and moved his hand up to pull Dean down for another kiss that only lasted a couple of seconds this time. And it was exactly and nothing at all like Dean had imagined it would be all at the same time, it was soft and gentle, but with Cas taking the lead and pushing him back up against the doorway of Meg's apartment causing Dean to give a little sound of surprise because he hadn't expected to like that as much as he did.

"It's about fucking time!"

The two boys broke apart to see Jo and Anna standing down the hallway a couple of feet away holding more bags of ice and matching expressions of self-satisfaction.

"Jesus Christ, I thought I we were going graduate before you two got your shit together." Jo continued pushing past them and hefting a half-melted bag of ice into Dean's arms so that she could open Meg's front door. "Garth! You owe me ten bucks!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today was two chapters because it was meant to be one chapter that got completely out of hand and I can only blame it on today being Friday the 13th. So thank you, Jason Voorhees and superstitious people everywhere for making today special.
> 
> Also, please let me know what you think about how everything is working out. This is not the end, how could it be?!? Honestly, it was never supposed to take us this long to get here, but I guess I just got carried away.


	14. Don't Panic

They would talk about it later, after the party was over. About all of the things that had gotten mixed up and misunderstood. The mistakes that were made and the times where one or both of them should have said or done something that would've let the other one know how they were feeling. But neither of them were good at those kind of conversations so for now Castiel was content to just let Dean keep bringing him drinks and watch him as he talked to Meg and Luc with a look on his face that made the smaller boy feel all warm inside.

Castiel had a notoriously high tolerance for alcohol, something he had discovered after Daniel had shown up at his room at Lake Forrest with a bottle of vodka that one of his teammates had managed to smuggle back into the school after winter break the year before. He had let the other boy talk him into playing 'never have I ever' while taking shots and it had been no surprise to either of them that at the time Castiel hadn't done a lot of things because of his sheltered home-life, including kissing which Daniel had chosen to remedy that night.

Looking back now, it should've been glaringly obvious that Daniel needed to be drunk to kiss him, Castiel knew that coming to terms with your sexuality was not an easy thing for some people so he watched Dean for signs that he was regretting their encounter in the hallway. Kept a close eye on how much he was drinking and how he was interacting with their friends now that Jo had gone and announced their kiss to anyone who bothered to listen.

Becky had squealed loudly in glee before her face fell and she whirled around and hit Garth on the arm, complaining that he made her miss it. Ash had hauled Dean into a short, manly hug that ended with both boys patting each other on the back and the larger boy blushing madly. Jo and Adam pulled Dean to the side for a couple of moments while Castiel got his first drink and tried to ignore how Adam's cousin was watching him with an interested look on his face. When he came back, Dean had looped and arm around his shoulders and led him away as Jo and Adam had an argument about him not telling her about Castiel's blind date with his "creepy, grease ball cousin".

But Dean didn't seem fazed by the fact he had kissed his best friend, in fact he seemed more relaxed and happy than Cas had ever seen him, the larger boy was even going out of his way to be nice to Meg who kept looking between the two boys with an expression of begrudging acceptance. He stayed close to Castiel as the party continued, kept putting an arm around him, careful not to crush his wings, and touching him on the arm or letting their fingers tangle for a moment when they both had a free hand by their side.

"Do you want another beer, Cas?" Dean leaned over and murmured in his ear as the conversation turned towards college plans and Luc started giving Castiel some advice about what schools had the best scholarships for ROTC cadets.

The smaller boy turned and smiled, letting himself just drink in the way Dean was looking at him like he was the most important person in the room. He looked down at the cup in his hand and shrugged a bit before giving it to his friend to go and refill it. Dean hesitated for a second, licking his lips and glancing over at Meg and Luc before he ducked down to close the short distance between them to drop a quick, soft kiss on Castiel's cheek.

He felt his face heat up as he watched Dean politely push his way through the crowded apartment and he allowed himself to let out a contented sigh before he turned back to Meg who was watching him with a shrewd look of amused concern on her face.

"Oh man, you're so gone." The woman stated taking a sip out of her own drink in her hand.

"I just didn't think this would happen. That it would feel so good to finally have him like me back." Castiel admitted. "Nothing good ever happens to me."

"Calling Winchester good may be a bit of a stretch," Meg said drily before looking over towards where the other boy had disappeared into the crowd and grabbing onto Cas's arm to pull him towards the less crowded hallway.

Once they were a little bit more alone the girl leaned into talk to him in a whisper that he had a hard time making out over the noise of the music and talking going on amongst the other party guests. "Cas, I talked to Dean a bit before you got here."

"And you're both still alive, I'm impressed Meg. I didn't think you would hold back how much you didn't like him."

"Well, if he keeps not being an asshole all the time maybe I'll reconsider treating him like a person. But seriously, Clarence. What did he say to you? Did he tell you that he liked you?"

Castiel gave a noncommittal shrug and looked away from the smaller woman. "Not in so many words."

"Ok, well he told me he liked you. That he's liked you for a while."

"He told you that?" the boy said smiling shyly.

"Yea, he also told me that he hasn't slept with anyone else since Jo's party." Meg told him as she gave him a meaningful look.

"That's ridiculous. Dean is always having to pry girls off of himself. He was probably just saying that because he knew that you would tell me whatever he said."

Meg shook her head and got closer to Castiel, "I don't think so. Guys like Dean don't usually go around bragging about how they aren't getting laid. I just think you need to be careful, in case he's only in this for one thing."

"Dean wouldn't do that." Castiel replied defensively. "I've met his dad, remember? He would have too much to lose if it got back to him that he was fooling around with another boy."

"I just worry about you," his friend said softly. "I know you don't have a lot of experience to go on and even though you're someone who can keep his hormones in check, not all teenage boys can. It's cute that you're so trusting of Dean, but just…don't let him talk you into doing anything you don't want to do, okay?"

He gave Meg his most unamused look, but inside he was trying not to panic. Castiel knew that Dean had a reputation as a love 'em and leave 'em type of guy, but he had never stopped to think about how that designation might apply to anything that he and boy might have if they were to ever get together. He hoped that Dean wasn't just using him as a means to an end for some kind of sexual identity crisis that he was having. Was his friend just curious about what it would be like to be with another boy and Castiel was just a convenient person to experiment with? Maybe he had made a mistake by putting himself out there in the first place.

Castiel nodded at Meg and waved her off when she told her that she was going to find her boyfriend. He needed a second to try to calm himself down before he worked himself into a full blown anxiety attack as his mind replaced Daniel with Dean in his memories of being told that he wasn't enough for the other boy to be with him. That the whole kiss was just a result of confused feelings and now that Dean knew what it would be like to be with someone of the same sex, it was a whole mistake that didn't mean anything in the first place.

"Cas, dude. I thought you had left or something." Dean said sounding relieved when he found Castiel doubled over with his hands on his knees in the hallway a couple of minutes later. "Hey? Are you okay?"

The larger boy carefully set down the drinks he was holding on a nearby end table and crouched down in front of his friend who was dragging in wheezing gasps of air, the feathers of his costume shushing together softly from where they sat on his trembling shoulders. Castiel felt Dean's hands cup his face and he tried to focus on how secure it felt to have the other boy there with him so that he could push away the voices of his father and his brother that were telling him he didn't deserve this, that he didn't even deserve to live.

"Cas? What's going on?" Dean's voice was concerned and Cas immediately felt even worse for making his friend worry about him. The other boy helped him stand up straight and gathered Castiel into his arms, rubbing what he could reach of his back underneath the large wings. "I don't know what I need to do, babe. Just try to breathe."

Castiel forced his eyes open so that he could look at Dean, shadows from the other party goers danced on the walls behind in his friend in the dimly lit hallway and to the smaller boy they looked menacing and dangerous, so he tried not to see them and just looked at the way that Dean's bright green eyes almost glowed with worry instead. His breathing hitched slightly and it was less from panic and more from awe that he was standing there, with Dean who was just so amazing and beautiful and he couldn't even convince himself that this was real and that he wasn't having some kind of very realistic dream.

"Tell me this is real." He blurted, cringing at how desperate his voice sounded.

The crease between Dean's eyebrows deepened and it took everything that Castiel had to just not run away from what his friend was about to say. Because he just knew that Dean was going to say that this was all a mistake and it was too much for him to deal with, that Sam was right and Dean couldn't have a relationship with Castiel because it was going to mess up the Winchester's lives even more.

"Of course this is real," Dean said stroking his thumb over the smaller boy's cheekbone in order to brush away the tears that he didn't think Castiel had even noticed that he had shed. "What's going on, Cas?"

"No," Castiel said shaking off Dean's hands, if he was going to say this he couldn't have the other boy touching him because it would just make it hurt worse if he didn't get the answer he wanted. He gestured back and forth in the small space between them. "Tell me _this_ is real. You aren't just doing all of this because you feel bad for me or something, right?"

A hurt expression crossed Dean's face and for just a second Castiel thought that he was going to throw up. But then, the larger boy took a step closer to him, grabbing onto Castiel's arms and holding onto them tightly.

" _This."_ Dean said lowly. "Is whatever you want it to be, Cas. For however long you want it be."

Castiel took a deep breath and nodded, he could handle that. They could go without labels; he didn't need to call someone his boyfriend to know that they meant something to him. Dean was also giving him control of their situation, which Castiel hadn't even known that he needed so badly until now. It was something that had been lacking with Daniel, he had never known which encounter would be their last and when the end had come, he hadn't been prepared for how hard he would take it.

Dean looked back and forth between his eyes for a minute and then leaned down to kiss him again.

While their first kiss had been nothing like what Castiel had always dreamt it would be, it was still wholly intoxicating to him to have the other boy take the initiative to show him how much he wanted him. Dean's hands moved to his waist and he felt the other boy's chest press up against his own as the spicy, scent of his friend filled his nostrils when Castiel inhaled deeply. He pulled the larger boy's lower lip into his mouth and nibbled on it slightly, causing Dean's hold on him to tighten and Castiel made a mental note of the other boy's reaction.

When they parted Castiel smiled when he saw the awe-struck look on Dean's face and he bit his lip to stifle a groan when he realized he was already half hard from just kissing the other boy. Nothing had prepared him for how much actually interacting with the boy in this way would affect him physically and even though usually he took care of his erections in the most perfunctory way possible it had been getting more and more difficult to control himself around Dean even before they were whatever it was that they were now.

"Can we go somewhere else?" Castiel asked, mostly because he was embarrassed to be getting so turned on in the middle of a very crowded party, but also because he wanted to talk to Dean and it was kinda hard to do that over all of the other noise going on around them. "Your apartment?"

A confused look crossed his friend's face, but then a small smile quirked the corners of Dean's mouth and Cas thought it was so much more genuine and adorable than the cocky smirks he doled out to everyone else. "Sure, Cas."

* * *

"Those fucking bastards," Dean said looking at the Robin mask that was loped over the doorknob to his apartment.

Castiel was giving him a bewildered look as he paced the hallway in front of his apartment and rubbed at the back of his neck in an agitated way. "I don't understand. Did you forget your keys or something? See, this is why we don't lock our front door until everyone is home, Dean."

"No," he said reaching into the pocket of his jacket and retrieving his keys, Dean jangled them at the other boy before kicking at the door in frustration. "Our brothers are probably in there right now making out all over my couch or my bed or something. I was just joking earlier when I told you two to give a guy some warning!"

He yelled the last part towards the door, hoping that he was being obnoxious enough that Sam would realize how much of a bitch he was being by not just going back to Gabriel's house to fool around with the other man. Not that Dean especially wanted the apartment empty for any particular reason, but his phone was in there and he needed his clothes for work in the morning, otherwise he would just ask Cas if he could crash on his couch or something.

"Let's just go in," Castiel said putting a hand on his shoulder. "I doubt that they are doing anything too compromising. I think Sam at least has enough tact to realize that you had to come home at some point tonight."

"Cas, can you just go in and get my phone for me? I don't think I can handle seeing Gabriel molest my brother. Then we can just go back to Meg's and maybe if we give it a while they'll be done with whatever they're doing."

"They're probably having sex, Dean." Castiel stated matter of factly.

"Ugh!" Dean said knocking his head on the wall next to his doorway. He reached over and jangled his keys at the other boy as an invitation for Castiel to take them from him. "I do not want to think about that. Babe, can you please just go get my phone?"

"Where is it?" the smaller boy said from near Dean's ear and the unexpected closeness made him shudder. "And why do you keep calling me that?"

"Calling you what?" Dean asked dumbly, knowing exactly what it was that he was doing. Slipping in endearments and pet names for his friend because it just felt right and normal to say things like that to the other boy.

Castiel squinted at him and struggled to keep a smile off of his face, "Nothing. Where is your phone?"

"It's on my nightstand, next to my bed. But don't go in there if you hear…noises. I'll stay awake all night if it means neither one of us has to have that image branded in our retinas for the rest of our lives."

The other boy nodded solemnly and took a deep breath before ducking into the apartment and shutting the door behind him. Dean took the moment alone to think about Castiel and how far he could try to take things before the other boy got freaked out about how suddenly Dean's feelings seemed to have sprung up, maybe he should focus more on talking about where he wanted this all to go instead of just trying to get out as much of his stifled affections for Castiel as possible before he did something to screw it up or someone came along and realized that he didn't deserve someone as great as the other boy and brought Cas back to his senses.

The front door creaked open and Dean looked up to see his friend standing there with a note in his hand and a small smile on his face. The smaller boy plucked the mask off of the doorknob and motioned for Dean to come inside. He did so warily, looking around the small space and straining his ears to see if he could hear Sam or Gabriel making any noises that he wasn't ready to hear being made in relation to his little brother.

"Deano," Castiel began wandering over to the couch and perching on the armrest as he read from the piece of paper in his hand. "Hope you liked sleeping in the hallway, evil-doer. Take care of my baby brother or I'll go all Ra's a Ghul on you. Kisses Gabs and Moose."

"Haha." Dean said crossing his arms over his chest. "Guess that's one less uncomfortable conversation I'll have to have with your brother then."

"Speaking of uncomfortable," Cas murmured, rolling his shoulders as he leaned forward to put the note down on the coffee table. He looked meaningfully at Dean and for a second the larger boy's heart stopped, until Castiel gave him that cute sheepish smile and gestured to his back. "Can you help me take these off? I can't even sit down with them on."

"Of course," he said moving up behind the other boy to help Castiel with the elastic straps that held the wings on his arms.

Dean made sure to remove them carefully so that he wouldn't mess up the feathers that he had been staring at all night. He just couldn't help imagining that they were real and he could almost picture in his mind how they would join to Castiel's back, moving with the sinewy muscles and spreading out to mirror the boy's moods, wrapping around him when he was anxious or flaring out behind him when he was standing up to those football players in the locker room all that time ago.

Once they were off, Castiel laid the wings down on the couch and stretched his arms over his head with a loud sigh. Dean's eyes widened when the buttons on the other boy's shirt pulled tightly across his chest and he moved back towards the door to hang up his own duster with shaking hands before he did something stupid like throw himself at Castiel because never in his life had he been this nervous to be around someone he liked, never had he felt about someone in the way he felt about Castiel and god, he just really didn't want to screw everything up by coming on too strong.

"Dean?" Castiel said from across the room and the larger boy looked over his shoulder to see his friend standing in the middle of the living room doing that head tilting thing that just made Dean's knees melt. "Are you alright?"

"Yea, Cas." Dean replied clearing his throat when the words came out all high pitched and awkward sounding. "I'm great."

"Maybe we should talk about this," Castiel said grabbing on to one of his elbows with his other hand and shuffling his feet. The smaller boy glanced up at Dean from under his eyelashes and then bit his lip before nodding his head slightly. "Or if you want, I can get Jo to give me a ride home maybe she hasn't left Meg's yet."

"No!" Dean said moving across the room to stand in front of his friend. "I…I don't want you to go. We can talk."

He let out a heavy sigh and ran his hand over his face before taking a hold of Castiel's hand and tugging on it until the smaller boy started following him, across the living room and down the short hallway to his and Sam's room. Dean rushed in first, kicking dirty clothes under the bed and scooping up all of the wrappers for the tacos his brother had gotten for him and shoving them into the small waste paper basket in the corner of the room. He wished that he had known that he and Cas would end up here tonight, he would have cleaned up a bit like he had done on the day that John had chased the smaller boy out of the house with his drunken ramblings.

Castiel looked around the room and Dean tried to see it how his friend was seeing it. Most of the room was taken up by the two boy's beds with a small shared nightstand between them. There were two short, matching oak bookshelves and the end of each bed, up against the wall that the brother's had built with Bobby back when they were still in Boy Scouts and were trying to earn a woodworking merit badge, that were stuffed with books.

Sam's was full of thick non-fiction books about history, biographies of politicians, with an odd book about folklore or mythology thrown into the mix. Dean's was stacked double deep with books, had dog-eared paperbacks shoved into every available space on the shelves and more were placed on top like the older Winchester was in the process of reading multiple books at one time. These were as varied as any library's selection; Dean had pretty much everything by Vonnegut with several different editions of _Slaughter-house Five_ displayed in a spot of reverence between two plain, blocky bookends on the top of the shelf. But he also had some books of poetry, John Berryman and Bukowski and t.s. eliot, as well as some collections of short stories that had been translated from Hebrew by some girl who was friends with the author.

Dean watched as Castiel meandered around the room, ducking over with his hands on his thighs to look at the books that he had and flipping through his small collection of tapes and CDs, smiling when he noticed a burned disc labeled 'Elvis IMPORTANT'. The smaller boy looked over his shoulder at Dean before he went to sit down on the edge of Dean's bed, sliding backwards until he had his back against the wall under the larger boy's poster of Metallica that was tacked up.

Castiel clasped his hands in his lap and toed his shoes off until they fell with a loud clumping sound on the floor; he smiled to himself and looked over at Dean. "Are you just going stand there all night?"

The larger boy shook himself out of his stupor and kicked his boots off of his feet before he scrambled up onto the bed next to his friend, a lot less graceful in his haste to get closer to the other boy who was watching Dean with an amused look on his face. One he was settled Dean moved to mirror the other boy's position with his hands in his lap, at least until he noticed that Sam's laptop was still propped up on the nightstand where he had left it earlier in the day, paused on that video of the cover of _Call Me Maybe_. He shot his friend a startled look and quickly moved to close the web browser, as almost an afterthought he pulled up Sam's iTunes and started some quiet playlist that his brother liked to listen to when he was studying; that way if things got awkward it wouldn't just be this looming silence surrounding them.

Dean sat back on the bed, unbuttoning the cuffs on his shirt and rolling the sleeves up. He looked down at his hands for a couples of moments before risking a glance at his friend who was just staring off with a far off look in his eyes and a sad, smile on his face. The larger boy cleared his throat, causing Castiel to jump slightly from how loud the noise sounded in the small room.

"So when did you know?" Dean asked.

"That I like guys or that I like you?" Castiel asked sounding slightly bitter and resigned as the music played softly in the background.

_I don't know you, but I want you all the more for that_

_And words fall through me and always fool me and I can't react_

"Oh," Dean said feeling dumb, because he had thought that Castiel was as new to this as he was and sometimes he had a hard time remembering that there was a lot that he still didn't know about the other boy. "I guess start from the beginning."

Castile took a deep breath and looked away from Dean, the larger boy saw his friend swallow hard and he reached out his own shaky hand to pick up one of the ones out of the other boy's lap. The smaller boy watched Dean's movements as the he ran a thumb over the back of Castiel's hand softly. Dean could feel how smooth the other boy's hands were and he tried not to be self-conscious of his own grease stained nails or the calluses he had from working in Bobby's shop.

"Remember when you asked me if there was someone else? Back in Pontiac?" Castiel began softly.

Dean nodded because Castiel had already told him how that relationship had ended and he was just so mad that someone could take advantage of someone as wonderful as the boy sitting next to him.

"Well, I already knew before that that I didn't like girls. It always seemed like dating was just this big game of who could lie to the other better and when I met Daniel I don't know, I thought it would be different."

"And it wasn't." Dean stated plainly, encouraging his friend to go on, because he needed to hear this and even though he knew that the other boy would never ask him to, he would gladly recite how each and every one of his past relationships had failed because of something stupid he did or because he wasn't good enough for the girl and how he would try so much harder with Cas. He would make Castiel forget that any one had ever hurt him. Dean would give up everything for the other boy and when that thought struck him as he watched his friend gather his thoughts to continue he knew that for the first time it was true.

Castiel shook his head and Dean felt the boy's grip on his hand shift, tighten. "No, it wasn't. Um…he was older, a senior when I was a junior and he played on the rugby team. We didn't have any classes together or run in the same circles so I was really surprised when he came to watch me during ROTC practices. Daniel was attractive and popular and I couldn't believe that he was interested in me because I didn't have a lot of friends. My father didn't approve of most of the people I went to school with."

"Your dad sounds like a jerk," Dean said leaning his head over onto Castiel's shoulder.

"You have no idea," Castiel replied putting his own head down on the other boy's. "Anyway, I thought he really liked me and even though he would barely talk to me around his friends and he only showed up at my room way after curfew to see me. I was happy for a bit. It was like I was the only one who knew the real Daniel and he didn't push me to meet my family or ask me about why I didn't go home for the holidays. Now I think it's just because he didn't care, because I would see him around school with this girl, Lillith, and he would treat me like I didn't exist."

"He was using you?" Dean asked even though he already knew the answer.

The larger boy felt his friend nod against his head and Dean shut his eyes to try to block out the images of how he must have looked to Castiel with all of those girl's always chasing after him and when he had gone off with Cassie at Jo's party. He hadn't been lying when he had told Meg that he didn't want Cas to think of him that way.

"I'm sorry, babe." He murmured.

"I was fine with it," Castiel said shrugged his shoulders. "For a while at least, I never saw them kissing or anything so for a while I could just pretend like they were friends and Daniel was just scared of coming out to his friends so that's why he was keeping us a secret. One day around the end of spring break this year, he asked me to meet him up on the roof of the school; which we did sometimes when it had just snowed and stuff because no one else would be up there. He said he had someone he wanted me to meet and I figured that he had told his friend John about us, because if anyone it was going to be John since he was the nicest one of his teammates."

The smaller boy's breathing changed, started to come faster and gasping and Dean looked up sharply at his friend to see that he was clutching at the collar of his shirt with his free hand and fumbling with the top couple of buttons so that he undo them and try to take a breath.

Dean let go of Castiel's hand and sat back to give the other boy some space, "I'll get you some water, Cas."

He rushed to the kitchen and quickly grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge before stumbling back to his room. Dean had no idea how to handle how the other boy was acting tonight, this was the second time that he had seen his friend on the verge of a panic attack in just the last couple of hours and he didn't know if he was the one causing it or if him being around to witness it was just making it worse. When he got back into the room, Castiel was laying down on the bed on his back with his arms crossed over his chest, taking deep measured breaths. The smaller boy looked up when he came back and sat up on his elbows with an embarrassed look on his face.

"I'm sorry, Dean. It's just really hard to talk about all of that stuff sometimes."

Dean moved to sit beside his friend on the bed, "It's ok, sweetheart. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

Castiel nodded at the larger boy and flopped back down onto the bed, raising a hand up to stifle a yawn. "I guess I should head home. Do you mind taking me, Dean?"

"You can stay." Dean offered setting the bottle of water down on the nightstand and moving to rummage around in his dresser. He pulled out an old, grey AC/DC shirt and a pair of pajama pants that had a drawstring on them before he turned around and offered them to Cas. "Here, you can change if you want."

Castiel sat up cross legged on the bed and looked at the clothes for a minute, biting his lip and deliberating to himself. He looked up at Dean for a moment and the larger boy could see a blush creeping across his friend's cheek bones before he stood up quickly from the bed and tugged on the bottom of his shirt self-consciously.

"Maybe that's not a good idea, Dean. I…uh…I know that you're used to certain…things…happening when you spend the night with people and I uh…I'm not ready to do that." The smaller boy stammered out reaching for his shoes on the floor.

Dean caught his arms and turned his friend to look at him. "I don't want to sleep with you, Cas."

"I know," his friend muttered. "That's why it's better if I go."

"No, I mean. Ugh. I do want to sleep with you, just sleep, Cas." Dean clarified as he felt his own face begin to heat up. God, he just wanted Castiel to stay so badly. He felt like if he let the other boy leave then everything would go back to how it was before at school with Dean pining after his friend from afar and being too nervous to do anything about it. And yea, he wanted to find out how much of his fantasies would actually play out the way Dean had imagined they would with Cas, but he was willing to wait and take it slow if that's what the other boy wanted. "Listen, I have no idea what I'm doing here, but I don't want you to leave, okay? I promise it won't be weird, I'll even sleep on the couch if you want."

Castiel bit his lip and nodded at Dean; the smaller boy moved to pick up the offered clothing and made his way towards the bedroom door. "Do you mind if I take a shower?"

Dean swallowed and willed away the image that flashed through his mind of the other boy in his shower and using his body wash. "Go ahead, man. Um…there are clean towels on the shelves in the cabinet."

The smaller boy disappeared into the hallway and Dean looked around his room for a second before he snatched the pillows off of Sam's bed and started towards the living room, he was surprised when he rounded the corner out of his room and ran face first into Castiel. The smaller boy grabbed onto Dean's neck and pulled him into a short heated kiss.

"What was that for?" He asked, repeating his friend's question from earlier in the evening.

"Just...you don't have to sleep on the couch." Cas said lowly before darting into the bathroom.

* * *

It was the only way he was going to make it through the night, sleeping in that tiny bed with Dean and even though Castiel knew this it didn't make him feel any less awkward about the whole thing. The other boy probably didn't have this kind of problem, getting aroused at even the mention of sleeping with another person.

He thought about taking a cold shower, but with the way his body was betraying him tonight that probably wouldn't take care of the problem long enough for him or Dean to drift off to the relative safety that sleep would provide him to keep Castiel from embarrassing himself. So after little to no deliberation after he had given in and kissed Dean in the hallway Cas turned the water on to the slightly less than searing temperature that he preferred and stepped into the shower with his only concern being not letting the other boy hear what he was about to do.

Castiel spotted a bottle of body wash that was the same brand that Dean kept in his locker at school and squeezed a liberal amount into his hands. The familiar scent made it easy to imagine that the other boy was with him in the shower as both of his hands lathered the soap on his neck and chest before he allowed one to travel down and grip his half-hard member. The first stroke of his hand had him groaning, which wasn't something he normally did, but he was thinking about Dean down the hallway and how maybe the other boy was touching himself too and thinking of Castiel in the shower.

He leaned up against the wall of the shower and buried his face in the crook of his elbow, biting hard on the inside of his cheek to keep himself from making any more noise besides the smack of his hand against his lower abdomen that he was pretty sure would be covered up by the noise of the running water. But a traitorous part of his mind supplied that if he was really worried about being heard then he wouldn't be doing this in the first place or at the very least he would've locked the door to the bathroom.

The boy imagined that Dean had stayed in the hallway outside of the bathroom and that his friend had decided that he wanted to talk to Castiel while he showered. It was innocent enough really, the reasoning that Cas provided for Dean to come into the bathroom, it wouldn't seem pushy or make him feel like the other boy was taking advantage of him like Meg had suggested that he would. When Dean saw what Castiel was doing, his amazing green eyes would widen and his breathing would become all uneven like it had when they had gone to the nature park.

Dean wouldn't try to touch him, he would just watch Castiel touching himself and let his eyes roam over the smaller boy's body and Castiel would feel like the other boy really wanted him, not just to use him or experiment, but wanted him enough to never want anyone else again. And Cas would be able to see that Dean was hard too and the larger boy would bite his lip and tell Castiel that he was amazing as he touched himself through the pants of his costume.

Castiel's hand sped up as he thought of Dean getting off just by watching him and his breathing stuttered as the water started to make his back sting from where it was beating down on him. He was so close and his mind pulled up the image of how sexy Dean had looked after Jo had walked up on them in the hallway, with his pupils dilated and the way that the other boy had groaned when Cas had pushed him up against the wall and how Dean's hand felt when it was cupping his face and wrapped in his own and he wondered what it would be like to have Dean touching him just like this. And he was gone, falling over the precipice of his arousal as he came hard against the wall of the shower; the water rinsing away all the signs of what he had done and beginning to turn cold as he gasped for air in the small, steamy room.

When Castiel finally caught his breath, he turned off the water with hands that were still as shaky as they had been before his shower, but he felt like maybe he could make it through the night without forcing Dean to confront an awkward, unexpected erection. He toweled off quickly and donned the clothing that his friend had loaned to him, noticing that the shirt was a little bit stretched out around the collar, but otherwise both the shirt and pants fit fairly well and he supposed that he and Dean were about the same size.

He grabbed the jeans and button down that he had worn to the party and carried them into Dean's bedroom as he hoped that the other boy wouldn't be able to tell what he had been doing just by looking at him. Dean had changed clothes while he was gone and now he was wearing a pair of blue plaid pajama pants and an old faded black t-shirt. Castiel dumped his clothes onto the floor by his shoes and plucked on the front of the shirt he was wearing awkwardly.

"Clothes fit," he said lamely as Dean scooted over to provide some room for him on the bed.

Castiel sat down on the edge of the bed and looked over his shoulder at Dean who was just smiling at him with this goofy little grin on his face and the smaller boy tried to reconcile the situation he was in now with how he had felt earlier in the day, like he would just be happy if he didn't lose Dean for good because of how he felt about him.

"I don't bite," Dean said turning over on his side with his back to the wall and patting the bed beside him. He waggled his eyebrows mischievously. "Unless you…like that sort of thing?"

The smaller boy rolled his eyes and lay down on the bed so that he was facing his friend. Their knees knocked together sharply and Castiel winced from the contact. He smiled sheepishly at Dean and then snuggled down into the pillows. The larger boy reached out and put a hand on his waist, pulling him close enough that he could kiss the tip of Castiel's nose and then he sat up and pulled the comforter up from the foot of the bed to cover them both.

Soft music was still playing in the background and the only light in the room was coming from a small table lamp sitting on the nightstand between the two beds.

"Can you get the light, babe?" Dean murmured sounding sleepy and content.

"I'm the guest," Castiel grumbled darkly before turning over and stretching out to pull the chain that would cut off the lamp.

He stayed with his back towards Dean and allowed the larger boy to pull him back until he could bend his knees around the other boy's and he felt a warm, solid chest pressed up against his back. Dean's arm curled up towards his chest and Castiel could feel his friend's breath against the back of his neck and he thought that if they stayed like this he would be happy forever. He felt like he could take on the world right now.

"When I went to meet Daniel on the roof," Castiel began the music from the laptop's small speakers still trilling soft sounds throughout the room. "John wasn't there; he was pretty much the only one on the rugby team not there. But Lillith was there too."

"You don't have to tell me this, Cas." Dean murmured behind him as the larger boy flattened out his hand to place it comfortingly on Castiel's chest.

"I want to," the smaller boy whispered. He took a deep breath before he continued, focusing on how it felt to wrapped up in this warm, safe cocoon with Dean. Dean was different than Daniel. "Um…Lillith started yelling at me, calling me names and saying that I was trying to turn her boyfriend queer. Daniel didn't say anything; he just sat there letting her call me every homophobic slur you could think of. Then the team started in, but they were pushing me around and saying they didn't want my kind at their school."

"I wish I had been there."

"I can take care of myself, Dean. I got a few punches in and I'm pretty sure that they were about to let me just leave with a busted lip and then they would tell everyone that I was gay. But I had to know why Daniel had pretended to like me. I mean, who does that? Someone who is confused and scared and hiding from who they are and I felt bad for him. So I asked him why. Why he let them treat me that way. And he said, 'because you're a fucking faggot'. He just spat it at me like I was lower than dirt. So I punched him in the face."

Dean let out a short, sharp laugh and buried his face into Castiel's hair to try to muffle the giggles he could feel coming on. "You're so awesome, Cas."

"Well, it was stupid. I should have walked away from the whole thing while I still had a chance, but a couple of the boys on the team pulled me off of Daniel and decided that the only way I was going to give up on the whole thing was if they taught me a lesson. So they dragged me over to the stairs and pushed me down."

Castiel felt Dean's hand grip the front of his shirt and he put his own over the clenched fist of the other boy, rubbing a thumb over the warm rough skin at the edge of Dean's palm. "I hit my head pretty hard on the way down and I slammed into the wall at the bottom, cracked a couple of ribs. Fractured my skull, some freshman girl found me when she was sneaking out to the roof to smoke a cigarette. The nurse said she thinks they had left me there for like two maybe three hours. My dad came and got me from the hospital, I never saw Daniel again."

"Those fucking assholes," Dean growled out behind him and Castiel spun around so that he was facing the other boy. "They should be locked up."

"It's fine Dean, I'm fine. They were just stupid kids. Its adults who do stuff like that that should go to jail. I forgave those boys a long time ago; there are other people more deserving of me hating them."

The larger boy cupped Castiel's face and he felt like Dean was looking at him like he really was an angel or a saint or something for having survived something like that. He didn't have the heart to tell him about what else had been done to him, at least not tonight. Castiel would wait to see how much Dean actually wanted this before he burdened his friend with anything else.

Dean moved over to kiss him and Castiel closed his eyes in anticipation of feeling those perfect cupids bow lips against his again. But instead he felt light brushes of the other boy's lips across his eyelids and down his cheeks, running over his jaw line and then back to his mouth for the other boy to lightly press his lips against Cas's. He sighed into the kiss and let the other boy deepen the kiss until their tongues were tentatively tangling as they explored each other's mouths for the first time and Castiel didn't want to fall asleep, didn't want this night to end because this was perfect and the music played softly in the background, providing a white noise soundtrack that would eventually lull both boy's to sleep, wrapped up together in the small twin bed.

_Oh, all that I know,_  
 _There's nothing here to run from,_  
 _Cos yeah, everybody here's got somebody to lean on_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay everybody! I don't really have much to say this round. Thanks to everyone who's commenting or bookmarking or subscribing. You make me feel warm fuzzies. Keep doing what you're doing.


	15. Girls

Monday morning found Dean leaning up against Castiel's locker, anxiously fidgeting with the zipper on his leather jacket and letting out a sigh every now and then as the girl looming near him continued to talk and ignore the hints that he was giving her that he wasn't interested in her. Her chattering was starting to give him a headache and he wished the other boy would just show up already because he felt like he was going into withdrawals from not having seen Cas since the morning before.

The morning after their impromptu sleepover had been hectic, with Dean shooting out of bed with his phone clutched to his ear, having been woken up from up from where he had been sleeping with his head resting on Castiel's chest by Bobby calling him and asking him where the hell the larger boy was with his gun and saying he better get his sorry ass to work before the older man tore him a new one.

Dean had debated for a moment about whether or not to wake up his friend because Castiel was just so adorable when he was asleep, all stretched out and drooling on Dean's pillow like it was the most normal thing in the world for him to be in the larger boy's bed, like he was always meant to be there. He had gotten dressed in his work clothes quickly and then gotten back under the covers with the other boy, climbing on top of Castiel and running his finger down the bridge of the other boy's nose until his friend had scrunched up his face and cracked a sleepy eye at Dean.

A slow smile had spread across Cas's face and the smaller boy had wrapped his arms around Dean's waist before muttering something about a good dream and turning them both over so that they were lying on their sides and he could bury his face in Dean's neck. The other boy would have been content to lay there for the rest of the day, but he knew that Bobby would go out of his way to give Dean a harder job if he was any later than he already was.

The last time the older man had just finished his work for him and then made Dean start cleaning out his crowded, dusty attic which had turned up a bunch of boxes of old Christmas decorations along with several forgotten photo albums that featured pictures of a teenage John and Bobby smiling in ways the younger Winchester had never seen. But that had not only killed Dean's allergies, it had also made Bobby all sad, mopey and practically inhaling whiskey for the next couple of weeks as he perused through the photo albums and refused to let either Sam or Dean take them out of the house to show the old pictures to their father. Finally the books had disappeared and whenever Dean brought it up later the older man had pretended not to know what the boy was talking about.

So in an effort to wake up the other boy, Dean had kissed at Castiel's temples and what he could reach of the boy's scratchy, stubbled jaw, made promises of coffee and pancakes next time they were able to wake up together as long at the other boy got up right the fuck now because Dean really needed to go. Cas had eventually woken enough to put on his shoes and grab his clothes before he had followed the larger boy down to the Impala still in the borrowed pajamas and allowed himself to be driven home, looking over at Dean with a small smile on his face as the tape he had made for the larger boy played over the stereo.

But Castiel had gotten all weird when Dean had tried to kiss him when he had stopped in front of the Novak household and Dean couldn't help but play over and over in his head how panicked the other boy had looked when he had leaned towards him, fumbling with the door handle and telling Dean he would talk to him later before he practically ran into his house. For the rest of the day Dean had thought about it and he wondered if his friend was regretting the whole thing now that they were in the harsh light of day, like so many of the romantic interests in his life had.

Dean straightened up when he saw Castiel coming down the hallway and turned towards the girl beside him to make one last ditch effort to get her to leave him alone.

"Yea, Casey." He muttered giving her the smirk and the wink that usually worked when he was trying to get a girl to do something. "Sounds great. Talk to you later, bye."

"It's Katie," she mumbled in a star-struck way before giving Dean a little wave as she wandered off down the hall with a happy look on her face.

The larger boy hoped that he hadn't just agreed to a date or anything with the girl because he hadn't really been paying attention to what she was saying as he turned around to face the only person he was interested in doing anything with. Castiel was standing close enough behind Dean to make him jump back slightly and looking at the girl's retreating back with a dark look on his face.

"Whoa, Cas," Dean said lowly wanting to just lean in and give the other boy a kiss, but if the expression on his friend's face was any indication of how welcome that would be then Dean figured he should just let Castiel set the precedent for how much PDA would be acceptable. "Not that I don't like being close to you, but maybe some personal space. Y'know, just enough so I can breathe."

Cas squinted at him and pursed his lips slightly before he turned sharply towards his locker and started twirling in the combination with jerky, agitated movements. The smaller boy quickly shoved some books in his messenger bag before slamming his locker door loudly and starting down the hallway without looking back to see if Dean was following him.

He jogged down the hallway to catch up to the smaller boy and reached out to grab onto his arm, spinning Castiel to face him. "What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing," Cas said angrily shaking Dean off with a fierce look on his face. "I'm sorry I interrupted, but maybe you can keep your fan club away from my locker. That's not really the first thing I want to deal with when I get to school."

"Are you mad about Casey?"

"Katie." Castiel corrected deflating visibly as Dean watched his friend.

"Whatever, the point is that was nothing. Some of these girls just can't take a hint and I'd rather not have the whole school thinking I'm an asshole. I was just being nice." Dean explained running the hand he had used to stop Cas down the smaller boy's arm until he was just stroking the back of his friend's hand with the tips of his fingers.

Castiel looked down at Dean's hand and swallowed nervously before casting a glance around the hallway. The larger boy watched as the other boy bit his lip and god, he just wanted to kiss Cas so freaking bad.

"Maybe I just want you to be nice to me." Castiel murmured, his cheeks coloring slightly as he looked up at Dean underneath his eyelashes.

"I promised you pancakes, babe." Dean said starting towards their homeroom with Cas beside him, their shoulders brushing together as they walked down the mostly empty hallway. "And that's not something I do for just anyone. Ask Sammy. Birthday pancakes, that's all he gets."

* * *

At movie night on Wednesday, no one batted an eye when Dean pulled Castiel down into his lap as he sat in the arm chair, victorious for the first time in a while in their weekly struggle to see who would get the comfortable seat and who would be forced to sit on the floor. As usual, the smaller boy had been poised to win until Dean had cheated and distracted Cas by kissing his neck and wedging himself into the seat with a smug smile on his face.

But Castiel could admit that there were worse ways he could have lost to his friend as he laid back with his head on Dean's shoulder and his legs draped over the arm of the chair. It was the perfect position for the two boys to talk during the movie without anyone else hearing them and Cas was marveling at the way the larger boy's arm felt around his waist and how amazing this all was to even notice the way that Krissy and Ash seemed to disappear halfway through the film or how Adam and Jo were sitting with more space between them than usual.

Around his friends it was easier for him to be affectionate with Dean because, frankly none of them seemed to care, well except Becky who squeaked a little bit anytime Cas and the other boy kissed, almost kissed, or he was pretty sure when they were thinking about kissing because the tiny high-pitched sounds came from the other girl a lot. But it didn't really bother him that she was watching them in the most voyeuristic way imaginable because it was different than the way he had been feeling when Dean had leaned over the space separating them in the Impala or anytime the other boy's eyes lingered for just a little too long on his mouth when they were talking at school.

At those times it felt like Castiel was getting dirty looks from everyone, like the shadows that had scared him at Meg's party were following him and Dean around judging them and planning something horrible. He just couldn't shake the feeling that if the whole school knew about him and Dean then it would be disastrous and someone would try to hurt the other boy in a way that was much worse than anything that had ever happened to Castiel.

But Dean was just so self-destructive that he didn't care if anyone saw him touching Cas in a way that was more than just friendly, like the times when he would put a hand on the small of the other boy's back as they navigated down the hallways in between classes or touching Castiel's knee under their desks in Chuck's classroom.

Just the day before Castiel had been looking for a book on Richard Nixon way in the back corner of the library during study hall when Dean had spun him around and pushed him up against the shelves, burying a hand in Cas's hair and pulling him into an intense, frantic kiss. It had been exactly what the smaller boy had wanted to do since he saw Dean talking to Katie on Monday, but Castiel had been too conscious of the few people who were meandering around the hallway before class to give into his instincts that were telling him to let everyone know just who it was exactly that Dean wanted.

Castiel had just gotten the nerve to start inching his hand towards the hem of Dean's shirt when the librarian had interrupted them with a pointed clearing of her throat, causing the two boys to separate quickly and head back to Jo who was laughing silently and pointing between her two blushing friends. Aside from that one encounter, Castiel had made a point to not do anything that would draw extra attention to him and Dean.

That's what had caused all of the trouble with Daniel after all. Him getting jealous of Lillith and deciding that some grand romantic gesture was the best way to get the boy to pick him over the other girl. A gun range target with a heart shot in it, probably not the most subtle way of getting the older boy's attention.

"I don't get it," Castiel murmured into Dean's ear as the movie they were watching reached its dramatic climax.

"Bruce Willis is a ghost," Dean whispered back. "Remember he got shot by his patient back at the beginning?"

"So he's been dead this whole time?" the smaller boy asked, drawing a pattern on his friend's flannel clad chest with one of his fingers. Castiel had kinda stopped paying attention to the movie awhile ago, too caught up in etching how Dean looked in the dim light into his memory.

"It surprised me too the first time I saw it, but Bobby has a thing for Bruce Willis so I think I've seen this at least fifty times."

Cas hummed in understanding and shifted in the other boy's lap so that he could get up and turn on the light as the credits started rolling across the screen. The larger boy grabbed him around the waist refused to let Castiel up until he had given Dean a kiss and while it was cute and amazing and adorable, he couldn't help but wonder if his friend was this affectionate with all of the girls he had dated and if he was, when was the honeymoon period going to end with Dean.

He gave the younger boy a sympathetic look as he passed where Adam and Jo were sitting together on the couch bickering in hushed tones about nothing in particular, but Cas knew that the girl was still upset about the whole Michael thing; less about the younger boy thinking that his cousin could possibly ever in a million years be good enough for Castiel and more for Adam not telling her.

He didn't really understand why she was so mad, it's not like he had ended up saying more than two or three sentences to the other boy over the course of Meg's party and any time Castiel had been anywhere near Michael, Dean had been right there glaring daggers at the boy and standing possessively close to the smaller boy. Cas smiled when he thought about how Dean didn't see especially shy about going after what he wanted and again questioned why it had taken his friend so long to just break down and kiss him. He supposed there was something to be said about Dean having enough honor to not want to come between Castiel and the girl that the larger boy had thought he was dating.

Castiel bundled on his grey peacoat and watched while Dean grabbed his own jacket before they bid their goodbyes and started towards the front door. The smaller boy noticed that Krissy's silver Pontiac was missing out of the driveway and wondered to himself where the girl and Ash could've gotten off to.

He turned up the collar of his coat against the cold wind that was blowing and started towards the park so that he and the other boy could follow their usual after movie ritual. Castiel let out a surprised yelp when he felt himself pulled sharply back by his coat until he had Dean's arms wrapped around him from behind and the larger boy was shuffling him towards the Impala.

"Nuh-uh, too cold to walk, babe. We're driving tonight," Dean said into his ear as he unlocked the driver's side door and pushed Castiel in and across the bench seat so that he could get behind the steering wheel.

Castiel shivered in the cold vehicle and he could see his breath ghosting out into the dark interior as his friend started up the large car with a rumble and cranked the heater all the way up. He could hear a faint rattling sound, but Dean didn't seem concerned so Cas decided not to mention it in case his friend suddenly got the urge to start giving his car a tune-up in the middle of Jo's driveway.

"S'go!" He managed to force out through his chattering teeth, shoving his hands deep into the pockets of his coat in an effort to fight the numbness that he could already feel setting in.

"I gotta let the car warm up, Cas." Dean said blowing into his hands before he looked over at the smaller boy and burst out laughing. He reached over and pulled Castiel flush against his side, rubbing his hands briskly against the smaller boy's arms. "Awww, sweetheart. Come here."

Cas took the opportunity to bury his face in the larger boy's neck and he chuckled slightly when he felt Dean shiver from his cold nose pressed up against his jaw line.

"I wish it would just snow already," Castiel said sounding slightly muffled.

"We could make snow angels," the larger boy responded and his friend could almost hear the smile in Dean's voice.

The smaller boy shook his head and Dean sputtered from where Cas's hair was getting in his face and mouth. "We are going to have to get you over the whole angel thing, Dean. Snow men, we'll build snow men."

"Or we can build and igloo and live in it for the winter." Dean said drawing away from the other boy enough to put the car into gear and slowly start making his way around the park and over to Castiel's house.

"Still cold." He declared sliding his hand under Dean's jacket and kissing along the other boy's neck as he drove.

"Likely story," Dean scoffed, tilting his head to the side in order to give Castiel better access.

"I had a dream about this one time," Castiel admitted happy that his friend couldn't see his face because it felt hot enough to start a fire with. "Not exactly this, but driving around with you and like holding your hand and being able to kiss you and stuff."

"I've had those too," he heard the other boy admit softly; tightening his arm around Cas enough that the other boy could feel it through his thick, winter coat. "I also sometimes have dreams where my teeth are falling out, which are freaky. But the ones about you and me, those are nice."

The car rolled to a stop outside of Castiel's house and the smaller boy sat up quickly once he realized they had reached their destination. Cas looked around anxiously, trying to discern whether his Lawrence neighbors were as interested in what was going on in the Novak household as the ones in Pontiac had been. Gabriel and Sam weren't exactly discreet when they parted company, but Castiel figured it would be just his luck for the people next door to take offense at who he was seen embracing and not his older brother.

Cas placed a quick kiss on the larger boy's cheek before reaching into the backseat for his messenger bag. He got out of the car with a happy bounce in his step and started towards his front door, looking back over his shoulder to wave Dean away even though he knew that the other boy wouldn't leave until Castiel was inside.

"Babe, wait up!" He heard behind him, turning around quickly to see Dean jogging up the sidewalk towards him.

The larger boy had a wide smile on his face and Castiel couldn't help but feel the anxiety drain out of him at the other boy's approach. Dean just had that effect on him, made him feel like he could take on the world as long as the other boy was with him.

"I forgot to tell you something." Dean said excitedly. "Coach benched me on Friday, since I missed last week's game he's not going to let me play."

"And this is a good thing?" Cas asked slightly confused because he thought that Dean enjoyed football and why would he want to be punished by not being allowed to play.

"Hell yea! It means I can watch you during halftime instead of being stuck getting yelled at in the locker room by Uriel."

"You've seen the marching show, Dean. Every Wednesday we practice it and you watched when you weren't busy running plays and stuff."

"Yea," the larger boy admitted with a shrug, looking down at his feet shyly. "But I haven't seen you do the whole thing in your uniform."

"My uniform." Cas said as a slow smile spread across his face. He adjusted his messenger bag on his shoulder so that he could reach out and flip up the collar of Dean's leather jacket. "I see, well then I'll just make sure my shoes are extra shiny that day."

"Whatever, loser." Dean muttered giving the smaller boy another quick kiss before heading back to his still running car.

* * *

Castiel wasn't joking when he said he would take extra care with his uniform on Friday. In fact, Dean was pretty sure that he played up the whole ROTC angle probably way more than was necessary by snapping off salutes to their teachers at random intervals, standing at military rest anytime he was waiting around for Dean to get stuff out of his locker, and even somehow managing to get his hair to stay parted to the side instead of how it usually stuck up in messy spikes.

To his credit, Dean managed to control himself for most of the day barring the two times when he pulled the smaller boy into an empty classroom once and cornered him in the library again to kiss him and muss him up a little bit. He didn't know what it was about the uniform that made him want to just rip the olive green fabric off of the other boy, but Dean did derive a certain perverse satisfaction from making Cas appear all flustered and wrinkled when he was supposed to be impassive and stoic.

For their last game of the season, the lions were a shoe in to win and Dean had managed to convince Uriel that it would just lower the teams soaring morale if he was forced to sit on the sidelines and watch the rest of the team play when he couldn't. Since he was going to be a spectator for the first time since junior high, Dean went all out snagging his giant red foam finger out of his closet when he rushed home after school to get a blanket and a thermos before heading over to Jo's house so they could ride together back up to the school.

The pair hung around the house, with Jo talking about how she was almost ready to forgive Adam for the whole Michael debacle and Dean chiming in every now and then with his opinion on the matter, which was that the girl shouldn't be mad at the younger boy in the first place because it wasn't his fault that his cousin was a weirdo just like it wasn't Dean's fault that John was an asshole.

"It's not that Michael was creepy," Jo said grabbing chips for her and Dean to snack on until they had to be back at the school in a couple of hours in order to get seats next to the ROTC on the bleachers. "It's that Adam didn't tell me. You're not supposed to keep secrets from the person you're dating."

"Okay," the boy conceded tipping his soda can at his friend. "I get that, but maybe he thought you would just make a big deal about it. Like you always do when someone tells you something they know you won't like."

"I don't see why you're defending him," Jo muttered plopping down next to Dean on the living room couch. "You're the one that would've gotten hurt if Cas had ended up with Michael instead of you because of Adam not telling me."

"Like you would've done anything to stop him."

"That's bullshit and you know it. I would've pulled you and Cas aside and pushed your faces together until you two figured your fucking shit out. Seriously, you two have been dancing around each other since you met and it was reaching sickening levels of frustrating for the rest of us."

Dean blushed and threw a chip at Jo because he really didn't know what to say to that. Since the week before every one of his and Castiel's friends had pulled him to the side and given him a talk about how great the two of them were together because Cas was level-headed and Dean forced the other boy to lighten up a bit. There were also the expected thinly veiled threats, surprisingly the most frightening one had come from Garth, who's dad was some government big wig that none of them had ever met and Dean was pretty sure he could make a body disappear if his son asked him to.

"And if you hurt him, I'll kill you." Jo stated plainly. "So don't keep secrets from him, Dean. Secrets hurt."

Dean nodded because he didn't think there was anything about him that he wouldn't want Cas to know about and if being honest was the easiest way to have a good relationship well, then he could do that no problem.

Before they left, Ellen filled both his and the other girl's thermoses with hot chocolate and loaded Dean down with some more blankets because it was supposed to be really cold out and she was not going to be dealing with a bunch of flu riddled teenagers lounging around her house like they had the winter before, begging for soup and moaning and groaning like they were dying.

They reached the school with about half an hour to spare before the game and met Cas and Adam up at where they were already sitting on the bleachers, talking to Gilda and Kevin with Virgil and going over some volunteer thing they were going to be doing next week after school since there wasn't a game.

He settled down on the bench behind Jo and spread one of the blankets he had brought out across his lap. The temperature was already hovering just below forty degrees and Dean thought again about what it would be like to kiss Castiel in the snow and hoped that they would see the precipitate soon because that was something he was really looking forward to doing. Creaming Gabriel with a couple of snowballs was the second thing on his list of must do winter activities.

Castiel plopped down on the seat beside him and gratefully shuffled under the portion of the blanket that Dean offered him. The smaller boy's cheeks and nose were already red from the cold and Dean suddenly remembered what else he had raced home to grab for his friend.

"Jo, get that stuff out of your backpack for me." Dean demanded tapping the girl briskly on the shoulder to break her attention away from where she was making lovey-eyes at Adam.

She grumbled for a second before reaching down to pick up the bag at her feet and rummage around in it for a few seconds before producing several hats and scarves which she shoved at the larger boy before turning back to her boyfriend.

Dean untangled the jumbled mass of fabric, separating red from black so that he could give the boy beside him some cold weather gear. He motioned for Castiel to turn towards him and the smaller boy obliged, smirking slightly when Dean settled a black beanie on his head and wrapped a matching scarf snuggly around his neck, pulling him in for a quick kiss on the lips that had Cas looking around the bleachers nervously to see if anyone noticed. Dean frowned slightly at that but tried to not let it bother him too much, it's not like Cas was ashamed of him or anything, right?

He put his own red plaid Sherpa style hat on his head and looped his scarf around his neck before nestling his hands back under the blanket and surreptitiously sliding closer to his friend. A couple of minutes later he put one of his hands on Castiel's leg and the smaller boy jumped a bit at the contact, looking at Dean with wide eyes and shaking his head slightly.

"Stop it," Castiel hissed at him low enough that if Dean wasn't listening he wouldn't have heard the smaller boy over the band which had arrived and was starting to warm up beside them.

"I didn't bring gloves," Dean said with a shrug, running his thumb over his friend's thigh under the blanket. "And my hand is cold."

"Just one of your hands is cold?" Cas said disbelievingly, putting his own hand over Dean's and giving it a small squeeze to still his fingers.

The larger boy smiled widely and waved his foam finger at Castiel who made a face, but also didn't try to make Dean move away from him again. As the game got under way, Dean tried to see what else he could get away with by sliding his hand farther up the other boy's leg during exciting plays like it was on accident, but that was quickly stopped when Cas started shifting uncomfortably beside him and giving Dean dark looks.

When it got close to halftime, Dean managed to pull the smaller boy into another kiss when the band and ROTC were busy shuffling off of the bleachers and everyone was too distracted to notice what they were doing anyway.

"Dean!" Cas whispered sharply, licking his lips and looking around like they were about to get ambushed by hidden cameras or something. "Can you just control yourself for like five minutes? I can walk around during third quarter; we need to talk about this."

He nodded glumly at his friend and moved to sit beside Jo for the halftime show, which was so much more awesome than anytime Dean had seen the ROTC practicing it on the track while the football team used the field to practice. The squad moved in perfect sync with each other, catching tosses and flipping their rifles around like it was as common as breathing to them. Dean wasn't the only one standing up to applaud Cas and Adam when they tossed their rifles at least twenty yards to each other over the heads of the other unflinching cadets and caught them perfectly without hardly even blinking an eye.

"He is amazing," Dean stated watching Castiel march slowly off of the field with the rest of the band.

"Yea," Jo sighed beside him and Dean knew that they probably weren't talking about the same person, but he wasn't really ready to get all gushy with his friend about Cas just yet.

"Hey," Dean said tearing his eyes away from the other boy. "I'm gonna go ahead and go to the concession stand, beat the crowd. Plus Cas said he wanted to talk and I'm pretty sure it's going to be something I don't want to hear, I'm gonna get him a burger to maybe try to butter him up. Do you want me to get you anything?"

"Nah, Adam and I will go when he gets back over here. Go on, lover boy." Jo said pushing him towards the stairs.

Dean started towards the small brightly lit building that housed the concessions which was separated from the football field by a slight hill that provided a pretty decent view of the whole area including the home and visitors' bleachers. He joined the short line and soon enough he was placing an order for burgers for him and Cas, extra cheese for the smaller boy. Dean paid and stuck the cans of soda he had gotten into the pockets of his jacket before stepping off to the side and watching the beginning of the third quarter as he waited.

He could see the wave of band members making their way towards the concession stand from both sides of the field and congratulated himself on beating the rush so that he and Cas wouldn't have spend the whole quarter freezing in line. The larger boy tried not to wonder about the conversation the other boy wanted to have with him. Technically they weren't dating or anything, at least they had never officially discussed it and maybe Cas didn't want Dean hanging all over him all of the time so that he could keep his options open. And while that shouldn't hurt his feelings as much as it did, every time that Castiel pulled away from him or looked around before letting Dean touch him it just confirmed to the larger boy that he wasn't good enough for the other boy.

"Winchester! I got your burgers!" one of the more enthusiastic dads on the booster club announced, holding up a brown bag.

Dean made his way through the crowd of uniform clad band members that had started to form and grabbed his order, nodding at the older man when he told him that he had thrown some fries in to thank the younger boy for a fantastic season. He spun around intending to make his way back to Cas so that he could make the most of the time he had with the other boy, only to run straight into someone he had never expected to see again.

"Cassie," he said half-heartedly as the girl enveloped him in a fruity scented hug. She looked a lot like she had the last time he had seen her, only with more clothing and her hair bouncing around her shoulders.

"I thought that was you!" She squealed into his ear and Dean flinched away from the sound, patting her on the back and moving as far away from her as he could since they were in the middle of the third quarter crush that had arrived at the stand in full force.

"It's me," he agreed, running his free hand over the back of his neck and looking around for someone who could rescue him from this uncomfortable situation; Jo, Adam, hell he'd even take Becky at this point. "What are you doing here?"

"My cousin, Victor, quarterbacks for the visiting team. Me and dad came to watch him play and I thought that you would be playing so that was just more incentive to come." Cassie said smiling at Dean seductively and running her fingers over the front of his coat. "You never called me."

"Yea," Dean said taking another step back and accidentally bumping into a small, bespeckled boy in a band uniform, getting a dirty look when he gave the kid an apologetic look. "About that, I…uh…I'm sorta seeing someone else now."

Cassie made a disappointed face and then shrugged before leaning in to give Dean a kiss on the cheek, it just felt so wrong since it wasn't coming from Cas and he marveled at how much had changed for him after only being involved with another boy for just a week. Her lips felt oily on his face and Dean figured that she was probably wearing lip gloss or something and he missed the stubble that rasped against his own when he and Castiel kissed.

"Lucky girl." Cassie said into his ear before giving him one last wink and sauntering back over to the visitors' side of the field.

Dean rubbed at the spot that Cassie had kissed him and started back towards the bleachers with his only thought being about how the girl had it all wrong, Cas wasn't the lucky one.

"Where's Cas?" he asked when he reached the spot that they had been sitting and found only Gilda and Kevin sharing nachos with extra jalapenos.

"He said he was going to find you," the boy mumbled around a mouth full of chips.

Gilda shook her head and waved a finger at Dean to wait as she sipped at her Gatorade in an effort to cool her burning mouth. "No, he went to look for you and then came back. I saw him talking to Virgil, he said he wasn't feeling well and asked if he could go home."

"How long ago was that?" Dean asked concern creeping into his voice as he thought about Castiel being sick and having to wait in the cold for Gabriel to come and get him.

"Ten minutes?" Gilda said looking to Kevin for confirmation and the younger boy just shrugged before a particularly large dollop of cheese fell onto his jacket and he cursed softly to himself.

"Thanks," He replied stashing his bag of burgers and sodas next to Jo's backpack that was still sitting with their blankets on the bleachers and making his way towards the parking lot.

* * *

Castiel felt so stupid; of course he couldn't give Dean what he wanted. How could he ever compete with the kind of girls that liked his friend, all bouncy and perky and easy; that's what guys like Daniel and Dean wanted, someone they could show off to everyone. Someone who would hang on their arm like some kind of trophy and if Cas was any kind of trophy he figured it would probably be for some really lame sport like shuffleboard and everyone would be able to see how tarnished and banged up and damaged he was on the inside.

Seeing the other boy with Cassie was just the thing that confirmed what the voices in his head had been saying to him all week, that he didn't deserve to be happy or with the person he wanted to be with and no matter what he was never going to be enough for someone to want him back.

He clutched his phone to his ear and listened as Gabriel's voicemail kicked in again and instead of leaving another message he just angrily punched the disconnect button and fought the urge to throw his phone as far across the parking lot as he possibly could. Castiel swallowed hard and leaned his head back against the cold brick wall of the gymnasium and told himself that he wouldn't cry over a relationship that he hadn't even had in the first place.

"Babe, what are you doing out here? It's fucking freezing."

Castiel looked over to see Dean approaching him silhouetted against the stadium lights of the football field. "Can't you just leave me alone?"

The larger boy stopped and a hurt look crossed his face before he continued walking towards Cas slowly with his hands raised like he was trying to calm a frightened animal.

"I'm sorry, okay. I'll back off, Cas. I didn't know all of the kissing and stuff bothered you so much." Dean said apologetically. "But if you aren't feeling well, I can take you home. Waiting on Gabriel in the cold is just going to make you sicker."

"I'm not fucking sick, Dean!" Castiel yelled suddenly angry because how could Dean not know what it did to him to see the other boy with all of those girls. And why did it have to be that girl. "No, you know what, I am. I am sick. I deserve better than this and if you can't decide what you want from me then we just need to stop."

Dean took a step back like he had been hit and looked at the smaller boy with a distraught expression. "I know you deserve better, Cas. But I'm working on it ok? I can't read your mind and I'm not good at the whole boyfriend thing so you're going to have to cut me some slack here."

"I don't want a boyfriend, Dean. I mean I do, but I know you don't do that. I just want someone who wants to hang out all the time, and thinks I'm the best person in the world, and wants to have sex with only me. You can't just run off with a girl every time I don't let you grope me in public!"

"I didn't run off with some girl, Cas…" The larger boy began defensively before realization hit him and made his eyes widen. "You saw me talking to Cassie."

"Of course I saw you," Castiel snapped crossing his arms over his chest. "And why her, Dean? Like it's not enough that you called her my name when you were with her, you have to let her paw all over you in front of everyone we know."

"I didn't call her your name."

"Yes, yes you did." The smaller boy said shaking his head to try to rid himself of the memory of his friend calling the girl beautiful when he had walked in on them. "At Jo's party."

"At Jo's party." Dean repeated sadly looking down at the sidewalk separating them. "So you did….see me with her. Do you know what I did after you left that party, Cas?"

"Obviously I know what you did, Dean."

"No, before that." The other boy continued entreatingly. "I wanted to kiss you that night, Cas, and I didn't because I was stupid and thought I had to live up to what I thought everyone expected of me. My dad, Sam, the whole fucking school. So when you left, I waited for you and drank because I needed to not ruin our friendship by doing something that would make things awkward. And I don't remember what happened with Cassie, but I remember wishing that it wasn't her that I was with and it scared me. It scared me how much I liked you and I hardly even knew you then."

"Then why don't you want to be my boyfriend?' Castiel said softly. "Why do you keep talking to all of those girls? Am I not enough for you?"

"Have you not been paying attention?" Dean asked moving up to put his arms around Cas's waist. "All of those girls, I don't want any of them. If I had it my way then I would call an assembly and kiss you in front of everyone. I want to hang out with you all of the time and I know you're the best person in the world and….well…we'll get to the other thing when we get to it. And I want to be your boyfriend."

Castiel smiled tearfully at Dean and buried his face in the other boy's neck, sliding his arms under his friend—no, his boyfriend's jacket and clutching on tightly to the flannel shirt he was wearing over his soft, worn Journey t-shirt. "So you want to have sex with me?"

Dean chuckled softly and pressed a kiss into the smaller boy's hair that was sticking out under the hat he was still wearing before Castiel heard him make a disappointed noise. "What is in your hair anyway?"

"Anna's hair gel and don't change the subject."

"How about we go back to your house, wash this shit out of your hair because it makes you smell like a candle store, and then we'll…talk about it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this is late. I've literally worked fourteen days straight and counting and fell asleep before posting this up last night. Also say what you will about _Girls_ and Lena Dunham, but the lady sure can deliver one hell of a heartfelt line. As always comments are appreciated, you guys are amazing and constantly make my day.


	16. Closer

"So I told my therapist about the other night," the smaller boy stated nonchalantly, dipping one of his fries into Dean's milkshake and taking an experimental nibble of the combination before making an approving sound and sliding the other boy's drink closer to the middle of the table they were sitting at.

"You did what!?" Dean coughed out around the bite of burger that was currently lodged in his throat.

Castiel's eyes widened and he moved around the table to pat the larger boy on the back until Dean waved him off and wiped at the corners of his eyes to clear away the tears that had sprung up as he had fought to breathe.

Dean couldn't believe that his boyfriend had told his freaking therapist about last Friday. He had only found out that the smaller boy was seeing a shrink the day before when Dean had tried to make plans for them to do something after school today and Castiel had said he was busy. The larger boy had whined and complained about wanting to spend time with Cas until the other boy had given in and told Dean what he was really doing on all of those Thursdays that he had thought his boyfriend was spending time with Meg.

And it made him sad and angry all at the same time because that Daniel kid had hurt Cas bad enough that he had to get professional help and Dean didn't know if he had ever felt like he could kill someone before now, but it seemed like something that wouldn't be very hard to do. Not if he got Sam and maybe Jo to help him.

He knew that therapists were supposed to help people work on things that they were going through, but Dean hadn't thought that what had happened with him and Cas after they had gotten back to the empty Novak household warranted seeking a second opinion about. Yea, it had gotten a little awkward for a couple of minutes there, but in the end he thought they had both enjoyed it.

Dean felt his face redden and he shifted in his seat, looking around the diner self-consciously as he thought about Castiel being all possessive and self-assured and sexy when they were alone together.

They had barely made it into Cas's house before the smaller boy had pushed Dean roughly up against the front door and rushed them both out of the coats and cold weather paraphernalia that was separating them from touching each other. He had pressed close enough that Dean could smell the familiar scent of peppermint under the unappealing chemical odor of the hair gel Cas was wearing and it had made the larger boy give a breathy sigh that wasn't anything like the noises he usually made when he was feeling this way.

Castiel's eyes had bored into his own and the smaller boy had pressed his mouth hungrily against Dean's, initiating their kiss for one of the few times since they had admitted how they felt about each other. It was rough and desperate and Cas did that thing where he nipped at Dean's bottom lip. He tasted like hot chocolate and heaven and their tongues slid together in a way that the larger boy thought that he would never get enough of.

When he felt cold fingers brushing against his side under his shirt Dean had pulled away from the kiss, looking at Cas with wide, shocked eyes because the smaller boy was always shying away from him when Dean tried to touch him like that and fuck, all he had wanted to do for weeks was touch Castiel's chest so that he could find out if the feel of the other boy's muscles moving under his hands would be as hot as he had imagined it would be.

"What are you doing, Cas?" Dean had asked because he knew what his own endgame would be if he were acting like this, but he didn't think that his boyfriend was ready for that kind of thing yet. Hell, Dean wasn't ready for that with another guy yet and he didn't want this to happen too soon just because Castiel felt like he had something to prove.

The other boy had frowned slightly before moving back in and starting to place soft kisses along Dean's jawline and neck.

"I'm kissing you." Cas had mumbled in reply before biting softly on the spot where the larger boy's neck met his shoulder and trailing his fingers over Dean's ribs.

"Ohhh! God, babe, I can see that," Dean had managed to groan out his hands gripping the back of the light green button down that Cas wore with his ROTC uniform. He knew that he should probably stop this, but it just felt too good. "This isn't really what I meant when I said we would talk about it."

The other boy had chuckled slightly before grabbing Dean's hand and dragging him up the stairs towards his bedroom, "So talk. I'll listen."

Dean had managed to stop the other boy in the hallway outside of his bedroom by gripping onto the banister at the top of the stairs. "Cas! Seriously, can you just slow down for a second?"

"No." Castiel had said moving with lightening speed to pin Dean's arms to his sides and press him up against the wall outside of his doorway and it was almost enough to make the larger boy say, fuck it and rip his boyfriend's shirt off right there. "You don't want those other girls, right?"

He had shaken his head quickly, wide eyed and confused by the sudden change in Castiel's tone which had become uncertain and rough with emotion. "No, Cas. I only want you."

The smaller boy had let out a deep growl and pulled Dean into his darkened bedroom, practically tossing the other boy down onto the bed before he had climbed on top of the larger boy, straddling his hips and silencing Dean's half-hearted protests with another deep kiss. It had been like Dean's hands had had a life of their own as he hurriedly untucked Castiel's button down and pulled the other boy as close to him as possible using the black tie that went with the uniform.

His slid his palms under the other boy's shirt and groaned into the kiss when he felt the hard muscles of Castiel's back moving as his boyfriend shifted one of his hands up to Dean's hair in order to pull his head slightly to the side so that he could continue kissing the larger boy's neck. Dean didn't think he had ever been this hard in his life and when Cas's hips ground down against his own he could feel that his boyfriend was as turned on by all of this as he was. Maybe this was why being with another guy was so appealing to him; there wasn't any guesswork when it came to knowing if the other person really liked what you were doing.

Dean sucked in a sharp breath the first time Cas purposely thrust his erection against where the larger boy's own was straining against his zipper, moaning into the neck of the boy beneath him.

"Fuck, Cas. You're so fucking amazing. I want you so much." The larger boy groaned out, shifting his hips so that he could feel Cas against him every time he thrust up to meet the other boy.

Castiel had been breathing heavily against Dean's skin and the larger boy drug his short, blunt nails down the other boy's back, clutching him close and hooking one of his legs over his boyfriend's hip as he felt Cas start to falter in the rhythm they had set together.

"Tell me your mine, Dean." Cas had growled into his ear before sucking the lobe into his mouth. "Say it."

"God, Cas." Dean had moaned shutting his eyes hard when his vision started getting blurry and the other boy's mouth moved to the spot behind his ear that was just going to end everything for him. "I'm yours. Just yours."

"Dean!" The smaller boy had not been quiet when he moaned his boyfriend's name and Dean had just been thankful that no one else was in the house because while it was sexy as hell to hear Cas like that, he didn't need Sam getting scarred for life either. "I'm going to…I've never…Jesus, you're so fucking gorgeous."

He had moved his hands out from under Castiel's shirt and held tightly onto the other boy's hips as he started to shudder and grind determinedly against Dean, breathing in shaky, gasping moans against the hollow of the larger boy's neck and fingers clenching in his hair in a way that had Dean reaching his own orgasm right on the heels of other boy.

"Cas! Fuck!" Dean had grunted out in lieu of a warning as the waves of pleasure crashed down on him, whiting out his vision even behind his closed eyelids and causing his back to arch up slightly off the bed.

He had collapsed back, dragging in greedy lungfuls of air and rubbing small, soothing circles onto Castiel's hips as the smaller boy continued to shudder through aftershocks on top of him. Dean had kissed the other boy's hair which was no longer neatly parted, the gel making it stick up in even more mind-bending directions than usual and sighed in happy, contented way.

Even though he had been entirely blissed out, the feeling of Cas tensing above him had not passed Dean's notice and he cracked an eyelid at the other boy who had started to pull away from him with an embarrassed look on his face.

"I'm sorry, Dean." His boyfriend had said, pushing himself off of Dean and wincing when he stood up, turning his back quickly and burying his face in his hands. "I…I don't know where that came from."

"It's okay, babe." Dean said, ignoring the rapidly cooling mess in his own boxers in order to move around the other boy and put his hands on his shoulders. "I'd be lying if I said that wasn't the hottest thing that's ever happened to me."

"Really?" Castiel had said glancing up at him before his eyes darted back down to Dean's neck and he started blushing. "I…I mean. Well, I guess it goes without saying that I liked it too, huh?"

"You are so fucking adorable," The larger boy had said before pulling them into another kiss that would eventually lead to more making out and Castiel working up the nerve to pull Dean's shirt off and both of them coming again before they collapsed exhausted in a tangled mess of limbs, but at the time Dean had just hoped that it would convey how he was feeling without him having to say it.

Back in the diner, Dean ran a hand over his neck and let out a slow breath as he tried not to be annoyed that Cas was talking about their sex life with a lady who was getting paid to listen to it. "I can't believe you told her about that."

"Why?" Castiel asked tilting his head at the larger boy and swiping a fry through the dollop of ketchup on the plate they were sharing. "It's just a dream, Dean. It's not something to be embarrassed about. Anyway, Rachel said dreams about your teeth falling out mean that you're feeling powerless."

"Oh, that." Dean said quickly, clearing his throat as the memory of Castiel trailing hesitant kisses across his chest flittered through his mind again. "I don't feel powerless, babe. I'm a total badass."

"Maybe it's about your dad," Castiel murmured, glancing out the window beside them at the cold drizzle that had started since they had met at the diner after the smaller boy's therapy session.

Dean gave his boyfriend a withering look and snatched back his milkshake just as Cas went to dip another french fry. "I told you it was nothing."

'It' referred to the dark bruise that Castiel had found on Dean's ribs earlier that week when they had been in the Impala after movie night, kissing in the car in front of the Novak house. The smaller boy had tried to haul Dean closer to him across the seat and he had winced from where Cas had pulled his shirt tight across the mark that John had left on him the night before. His father and younger brother had been arguing about how Sam was never home anymore, which was true since the junior had been spending more and more time with Gabriel or crashing in Bobby's spare bedroom as their father's intolerance and drinking became more and more centered around what Sam was doing with the eldest Novak.

John hadn't actually caught them in the middle of anything yet, but Dean knew that the older man was suspicious of the fact that Sam had clothes in his room that were way too small for him and a new found appreciation for Bonnie Tyler that couldn't possibly have come from either Dean or himself. Like most of the other times his father had left bruises and marks on him, Dean had tried to write off the whole thing as being an accident, which wasn't exactly a lie since the bruising on his ribs had been caused by John pushing him into the kitchen table in his drunken haste to get to Sam who had just called the older man 'an ignorant, self-hating redneck.'

It was like his younger brother had a death wish or something and after all of the work Dean had put into keeping their family together over the years, even as John spiraled farther and farther out of control, he was going to be damned if he let the younger boy just throw it all away when they only had a couple of years left until Sam would graduate and they could both get the hell out of Lawrence like they had always planned. Once they were gone, John wouldn't have a say in their lives anymore and Dean could care less if his little brother dated every munchkin in Oz as long as he was happy and safe and not hell bent on severing the last familial tie that they had besides each other. He figured given enough time their father would just get used to Gabriel being obnoxious and not having ovaries and he would get used to Cas too, that was something that had to happen or Dean would just have to give up on the older Winchester for good himself.

The other boy narrowed his eyes and perused his lips before reaching for his wallet and slamming down a couple of bills onto the table. Castiel was up and pulling his coat on before Dean even knew what was going on. The larger boy threw some more money down on the table, enough to make it up to Barb that they were depriving her of getting to keep giving the two of them pinches on their cheeks every time that she refilled their drinks. He rushed after Cas who was already striding determinedly towards Dean's apartment complex, shoulders hunched and head bowed against the cold, misting rain that as falling.

"Jesus Christ, Cas!" Dean said pulling the smaller boy under the overhang of a nearby bookstore when he caught up to him, shivering as he slid his jacket on over his damp arms. "What did I say now?"

"I don't understand why you insist on putting yourself in a dangerous situation just because he's your father." Castiel replied angrily, his blue eyes blazing with concern and worry for the other boy.

"My dad's not dangerous. I told you before he only acts like that when he's drunk, when he's sober he's not nearly as much of an asshole. You would probably really like him."

"And would he like me, Dean? Would he think that I'm good enough for his son or would he be worried that I'm keeping you from having a normal relationship because I'm a fucking shirtlifting homo? Your dad is never sober and I don't want you getting hurt because you feel like you have to protect everyone all of the time! Sam knows how your dad is; he can take care of himself."

"It was an accident, Cas. He didn't mean to hurt me I just got in his way. And I'm not going to let him do anything to my fucking brother, would you let someone hurt Anna? You're being ridiculous right now!"

The smaller boy shook his head, causing the beads of water in his hair to track down his face and neck looking way too much like tears for Dean to not want to gather the boy in his arms and promise that he knew how to handle his dad and no matter what the older man's opinion on their relationship wasn't going to change how he felt. But he was mad that Cas was suggesting that Sam should fend for himself against John, Dean had always shielded his younger brother from their dad when things got really bad and they always had the refuge of Bobby's house to go to when they needed to let John rage by himself for a while.

"What if he doesn't stop?" Cas whispered, his jaw clenching. "What if one night you dad comes home and decides that he can't handle having a gay son and he does something that you can't just pretend he did on accident?! What if he decides that your life or Sam's is worth less than his reputation, Dean!?"

"That's not going to happen!" Dean yelled back feeling like they weren't exactly talking about just what John did when he was drunk and angry at the whole world for how his life had turned out.

"You don't know that! You can't promise me that one day John isn't going to go too far, push you too hard and you break down and do something that will make me lose you." The smaller boy let out a strangled sob and clutched at his chest right above his heart. "I can't lose you. I just found you."

"Fuck," Dean swore softly, his anger and confusion over their unexpected argument draining out of him as he wrapped his arms around his boyfriend. "I can't promise you that my dad will stop being the way he is, Cas. You said that all father's let their kids down and mine is a lot less perfect than most other parents. I will promise you that if it gets to be too much, if I think he's going to do something that will seriously hurt me or Sam then I'll get us out of there. We'll leave, go to Bobby's or Ellen's, somewhere until he calms down and comes to his senses."

"And if he doesn't? If he finds out about you two and stays angry forever, you'll lose your family because of me and Gabriel. I don't want to ruin your life." Castiel said sniffling against Dean's chest.

"You could never ruin my life, sweetheart." Dean replied tilting the other boy's face up so that he could kiss Castiel softly. He didn't care who saw them or if it ever got back to his dad because right now the only thing Dean was worried about was making Cas realize how much he cared about him. "But you have to promise me something too."

"Anything." The smaller boy said quickly and Dean smiled at how sincere he sounded.

"Stop fucking running away from me all of the time when you get upset, the weather is too shitty for all of this confrontational bullshit."

"Did we just have our first fight?" Castiel asked innocently, leaning into Dean's chest as his voice dropped lower.

Dean shrugged in response, enjoying how the other boy fit perfectly in his arms and burying his face in Cas's warm neck for a moment before his boyfriend hurriedly started pulling him towards the apartment complex. "Where's the fire, babe?"

"We just had a fight," Castiel said glancing over his shoulder at Dean and biting his lip. "So now we get to make up, right?"

* * *

"Okay boys," Jo said plopping down heavily at the cafeteria table and letting out a tired sigh, stretching her neck and arms from where they had started to hurt from carting around her heavy backpack all day. "If you're wanting a pie this year, my mom says you need to get on it because after Tuesday she is not going near our oven again until Christmas."

"She's not doing Thanksgiving dinner this year?" Dean asked sounding confused and Castiel just smiled around his soda can because he knew that the food-themed holiday was one of his boyfriend's favorites.

Jo shook her head and Dean pouted to himself a minute before pulling out a pen and beginning to make a substantial list of the types of pies that he wanted Ellen to make for him. It was long enough that if the larger boy wanted to and Cas knew that he probably did, then Dean could live off of pie for a week and be entirely content.

"We're going to do Thanksgiving with Adam's family this year," The girl continued glancing around the cafeteria for her own boyfriend before letting her voice drop a bit lower. "I'm not really thrilled to be around that bunch of psychos but my mom jumped at the chance to not have to cook this year and his mom pretty much begged her to go with us. So we'll be in Kansas City next week, that means I can't come over to Bobby's for bar-b-que, Dean, sorry. And Garth you'll have to snag me some of your mom's cobbler because watching the game is not going to be the same without it."

"Actually," Garth began blushing to the tips of his ears. "My mom and dad are going to some dinner for his work, so I'm going to Becky's on Thursday."

"I thought the CIA got holidays off, dude." Ash said waving Krissy and Becky over across the crowded room. "Even the post office is closed on Thanksgiving."

"My dad is not in the CIA," Garth muttered, sliding over to give his girlfriend room to sit at the table and dropping a kiss on her cheek.

"Your dad is the man, it doesn't really matter what branch of government it is. He still works for big brother." Ash continued, mostly because they all knew how much it annoyed Garth that he couldn't talk about what his dad actually did. "Anyway, ol' mom and daddy dearest are shipping us out to New York to do Thanksgiving with the fam. So I won't be around either."

"I thought that you guys only went to the Hamptons once a year," Dean said looking up from his list long enough to see the sour look that crossed Ash's face.

"Well, they want to take me to look at some colleges while we're on the coast so I kinda don't have a choice."

"I'm sorry?" Cas supplied confused, earning an endeared smirk from Dean and a shrug from Ash who had already started getting distracted by Krissy who was pretty much sitting in the other boy's lap.

"What are you doing next week?" Jo asked Castiel as Adam settled into a seat beside her with his lunch tray.

"I don't know," He said looking down at the salad that Dean had teased him for eating and silently begging Jo to not bring it up, he didn't want his boyfriend to know because it wasn't that big of a deal and they had only been dating for like two weeks and it was unrealistic of him to expect anything from Dean. "It's going to be the first time that it's just Gabe, Anna, and I. We'll probably order Chinese food or something."

"What?" Dean blurted beside him looking up sharply at Castiel and shaking his head. "Sam told me that Gabe was coming with us to Bobby's; do you not want to spend Thanksgiving together?"

Cas bit his lip and thought about how that would go, Dean would find out there wouldn't be any way around it with the way that Gabriel got so excited about that kind of thing. He just hoped that there would be enough food there that his older brother wouldn't feel the need to bake him a cake or something.

"Of course I want to spend Thanksgiving with you, Dean." He assured the larger boy, looking around the crowded cafeteria before leaning over and dropping a quick kiss on Dean's cheek.

The other boy gave him a small smile and went back to his list, Cas was pretty sure he was just making up pie flavors at this point, surely there couldn't be that many different types of pie in the world.

* * *

Dean waited on the bench outside the office for Castiel's ROTC meeting to end. Even though football season was over the group was still getting together on Fridays to talk about different volunteer stuff they were going to do over the rest of the year and having uniform inspections with Virgil. He planned on talking to Bobby about the whole thing so that he could work on cars after the shop was already closed, still get some hours in after taking Cas home from his meetings.

He read a book that the other boy had loaned him, _The Unbearable Lightness of Being_ , which so far was kinda weird and a little sad, but Dean wasn't very far into it because every time he sat down to read he got distracted by coming up with awesome things he wanted to show his boyfriend or texting his boyfriend or thinking about he and his boyfriend in painfully domestic situations, kissing and cooking for each other. Basically he still couldn't get over the fact that he had someone who made him so happy and who he seemed to make feel the same way.

But Dean kept having nightmares, not just the ones about his teeth falling out that he had told Cas about. No, these were about him doing something stupid and ambiguous to screw things up with the other boy, something horrible enough that Cas would never speak to him again and would make him lose the other boy forever. Or about someone hurting Cas and Dean not being able to stop it because when he got to the place where he could hear the other boy screaming, the man doing the torturing was wearing his face and his clothes and dripping in his boyfriend's blood. The only times that Dean could sleep through the night were when he was with Cas and could feel the other boy safe in his arms.

He perked up when he saw the door to Virgil's classroom open, but only about half of the ROTC members emerged and he tried to bury his disappointment that Cas wasn't one of them in his book.

"Dean," Gilda said coming over to him and rummaging around in her backpack until she found a professional looking embossed folder and held it in front of her chest excitedly. "I hoped you would still be here. Can I talk to you for a sec?"

Dean looked up at the other girl before nodding and marking his place in his book, it was weird that Gilda was wanting to talk to him alone, they hadn't ever really interacted with each other when no one else was around. Mostly because she was a junior and a brain, so she spent more time working on projects with Sam at the library than around him, but also because she was also one of the few girls who hadn't tried to throw herself at Dean at one point or another and for that he automatically liked her even before she and Cas became friends.

"So I don't want to make you uncomfortable or anything, but there's this petition going around," Gilda said handing Dean the folder so that he could see what she was talking about. "And I've kinda been put in charge of going around and seeing if any students are interested in signing it."

Dean scanned the first page, a frown creasing his forehead because he couldn't believe that this was something that was still an issue at their school.

"It's a petition to let same-sex couples go to school-sponsored dances together." He said disgustedly. "Do we really need something like this?"

"Well, uh…" Gilda said paling slightly and backing away a bit from Dean. "I didn't mean to make you mad or anything. I just thought it might be something you would sign because…well…y'know."

"Because Cas and I are dating," Dean said plainly, reaching into his bag for a pen. Of course he was going to sign it, there was no way he was going to miss out on seeing his boyfriend in a tux as many times as he possibly could.

"Ohthankgod," Gilda gushed, clutching at her chest and letting out a deep breath. "I was going to say because of Sam since I thought I had totally been misreading the eye-sex thing going on with you and Cas, but Yay! Gay-dar totally functional."

"He didn't tell you we were dating?" The boy asked trying to not let how hurt he felt seep into his voice.

"ROTC isn't exactly sharing circle time, Dean. I mean, it's not like he's keeping it a secret or anything, but the military is kinda hush hush about the whole thing so I think that Virgil is going with the ol' 'don't ask don't tell' policy in order to keep people from feeling uncomfortable."

"Dude, its 2010. Why should something like that even be necessary anymore?"

"You're asking the wrong person," Gilda said putting her hands up in agreement. "It shouldn't be anyone's business who you are dating, but unfortunately it is. That's why the petition is going around. The local PFLAG chapter started it when Lawrence Free State kicked two girls out of their homecoming dance who were there together."

"That is such utter crap," Dean said his pen hovering over the page of signatures as he skimmed the names of the other signers. Sam's name was there and the older Winchester glowed with pride that his brother's was one of the first student names that he recognized on the page.

"Tell me about it. Last year, I didn't even bother buying a ticket to the winter ball because I couldn't bring the girl I was seeing. My friend's all went and she and I were stuck sitting at home watching Letterman in our pajama's. We were together, but that didn't make it any better."

"So you're…a lesbian?" Dean asked, printing his name on the page and just holding the folder in his hand as Gilda and he continued talking.

"It's not really something I go around announcing to everyone, but yea. I've met some pretty intolerant people since I started coming out, some I never would have expected to be bothered by it and others who's support has just blown me away. PFLAG has really helped me and my parents feel like we aren't alone in this town. You and Cas should come to a meeting."

"A meeting for what?" Dean heard the deep voice of his boyfriend rumble behind the smaller girl and immediately started feeling that warm, fuzzy tingle he got in his stomach around the other boy.

"Oh Cas!" Gilda said excitedly, grabbing the folder out of Dean's hand and thrusting it at the other boy. "You have to sign this, Dean did. And we were talking about PFLAG, you two should come. Bring your parents."

The larger boy watched as Castiel skimmed the page and saw the exact moment when the other boy's eyes found his name because his mouth quirked in that cute way that Dean knew was meant just for him.

Cas cleared his throat and held out a hand to Dean for his pen, which the larger boy was still holding dumbly as he unabashedly started at his boyfriend. "What does it mean when there are two names written on one line?"

Dean had noticed that too, but he had also noticed the little plus sign between the two names and while he had wanted to do that with his and Cas's names, he didn't know if it would be too presumptuous of him to bind them together like that, even if it only was on paper.

Gilda stood on tiptoe to peek over the edge of the folder and smiled widely when she saw what the other boy was indicating. "Oh, those are people who are signing as couples, kinda like they are double declaring their support for the petition together."

Dean's breath caught in his throat when Castiel's blue eyes locked onto his own and he saw the unspoken question in them. Dean gave the other boy a slight nod and watched as the smaller boy's face lit up like he had just gotten the best Christmas present of his life.

"You're such a dork, babe." Dean declared standing up and moving beside the other boy to slide an arm around his waist as he signed his name next to Dean's and then handed the folder back to Gilda. The larger boy leaned over and pressed a kiss to Cas's temple as the pair continued to chat about the volunteering that the ROTC could do with PFLAG. "Don't ever change."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a little on the short side, it was either cut it down or have it morph into a monster. Even though Halloween is coming up, I am anti-monster right now. Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter and everyone who is following and kudoing. Your support is greatly appreciated! <3


	17. Say Anything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note the rating change!

Movie night was an abysmal affair on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Ash's parents had pulled him out of school for the entire week, citing the fact that they had to hit MIT and Harvard and Yale before all of the tour guides left campus for the holidays and Krissy had been moping around since he had left, the junior girl's only sincere smiles coming when the phone that she had clutched in her hand at all times vibrated with a text from the other boy. Jo left on Wednesday morning since they didn't have school that day, her and Ellen loading down their suburban with luggage from the Milligan family so they could stay the night with one of Adam's aunts in Kansas City.

Becky insisted that they watch Twilight, which Dean had initially thought was just a ploy by the other girl to ensure that he and Cas stayed as far away from the Fitzgerald basement as possible so that her and Garth could make out. But the couple seemed to be taking things a lot slower than Ash and his own girlfriend who he and Castiel had happened upon Sunday morning when they had gone jogging in the frigid stillness of the nature park, asleep in the backseat of Krissy's car at one of the more secluded areas that the park had and missing key pieces of their clothing.

He could still remember the look of shock on his boyfriend's face and how it had taken everything Dean had not to burst out laughing as he dragged them back down the path they had come up and away from the couple who obviously hadn't intended to be discovered.

When they had seen Krissy at school on Monday and Tuesday, Dean could tell that Cas wanted to say something about it, mostly because the other boy couldn't seem to look their friend directly in the face, but also because that's just how Castiel was. He felt like he had acknowledge things like that because it was just more awkward for him if he didn't, but every time the other boy had started to say something, Dean had slapped a hand over his mouth or distracted him with a kiss or a touch that made his boyfriend smile shyly and stutter and basically forget what he had been talking about.

They were starting to get looks in the hallways at school and not nearly as many girls were coming up to try to hit on Dean because word had started to get out that the new guy was pretty territorial of the star running back. He knew that Cas was still nervous about being overly affectionate at school and would shy away from Dean if he got too close or if too many people were around, which the larger boy tried to be understanding about because Cas tried to make up for it during the times that his boyfriend would pull them into an empty classroom or outside during lunch because it was way too cold for anyone to want to be out there now and kiss him and tell Dean that he was sorry and that he was trying.

It was enough for Dean that Cas was working on getting past being scared of what might happen if someone saw them together. Usually they were with their group of friends so it didn't matter what anyone else thought because no one ever got close enough to try to say something to them, even when they got dirty looks from other people when Dean would lean over Castiel at his locker and brush his hair out of his face or when they would just be staring at each other in class or gym with matching goofy smiles on their face, having a silent conversation about what was going on around them that everyone else just mistook as them being hopelessly in love.

Which they were or at least Dean thought they were, maybe? He had never felt like this with anyone else and the L-word wasn't something that got thrown around a lot when he was growing up so he didn't really know what it looked like outside of books he read or movies he watched. Dean wanted to ask someone if this was what falling in love was like, what he had with Cas, but he didn't want it getting back to the other boy that he was talking about that kind of sentiment with someone else and all of the girl's he knew would be sure to tell Cas because they couldn't keep their big mouths shut about gushy stuff like that. So Dean was waiting until he could be certain about how Castiel felt before he blurted out something that could scare the other boy away.

The two boys tried on Wednesday to make it through Twilight, more for Garth's sake than Becky's because their friend looked just as pained by the dialogue and the weird denying your baser instincts thing that the writer had put in the original books and had been translated very terribly into film as Dean and Cas were. But ten minutes in, Dean could feel the smaller boy's eyes burning into the side of his head as they sat together on Garth's couch. He looked down at where Castiel's head was on his chest and the agreement that they had to get out of there before they killed their friend's girlfriend passed between them without either boy having to do more than blink and wince and nod.

They made up some excuse about being really tired and Cas made such a big show of yawning and drooping in an exhausted way against Dean that the larger boy had to practically carry him out of Garth's house in order to not completely ruin their charade with the laughter that he wanted to burst into.

It was still pretty early and since they didn't have school the next day, the two boys decided to rent a movie that they actually wanted to watch before going back to Dean's apartment and locking themselves in the larger boy's room in case John came home early and got the sudden urge to be paternal and check to see if his son was home.

Dean steered the car towards where he knew the closest Redbox was near his apartment and tapped his fingers on the steering wheel along with the gritty, noisy grunge music that Cas was playing through the tape adapter that he had insisted on buying for the Impala. The larger boy had conceded to the device mostly because it was his boyfriend asking for it and he couldn't say no when Cas's blue eyes got all big and puppy dog adorable, but also because it wasn't as douchey looking as the iPod dock that Sam had tried to install a couple of years earlier.

"What kind of movie do you want to get?" He asked Castiel who was staring out the window

at the snowy flurries that were falling but not sticking in the frigid evening light. "I think _Eat, Pray, Love_ is out now if you want to relive that nightmare."

"Do you think they're having sex?" The other boy asked suddenly, not tearing his eyes away from the couples that were braving the weather and walking down the sidewalks, huddled close and cozy looking.

"No way. Garth is way too much of a chicken for that." Dean replied, slowing as they approached the parking lot he wanted to turn into. "Then again maybe they are. Have you read some of the stuff that Becky writes? Girl's into some kinky shit, plus she's mousy and you know what they say about the quiet ones."

"People say I'm quiet," Castiel muttered, glancing over at Dean who just smirked and rubbed at the fading mark that the other boy had left on his neck over the weekend. "But I wasn't talking about Garth and Becky."

"Krissy and Ash?" The larger boy asked, pulling quickly into an open spot right near the movie dispenser and flipping his headlight off. "I mean, I don't know Cas, they probably are. You saw the same thing I did the other day. It's not a big deal or anything."

Cas frowned a bit and looked down at his hands, "But they've only been together for a little over a month."

"Babe, I hate to tell you this," Dean said teasingly, sliding across the seat to put a hand on his boyfriend's leg. "but if you're saving yourself for marriage then you may be waiting a really long time. Kansas will probably be the second to last state to legalize gay marriage; we'll be right ahead of Texas."

"I'm serious, Dean." The other boy said blushing furiously and putting a hand on Dean's, running his thumb over the boy's grease stained knuckles. "I know that you have…I just know what your other relationships have been about and I don't want it to be like that for us but…"

"Cas," the larger boy interrupted. "I will wait forever if that's how long it takes for us to get there. We don't have to compare ourselves to other couples because we're not other couples."

Castiel opened his mouth to speak, but Dean stilled him with a raised hand.

"Let me get this out, babe. I'm just as new at all of this as you are, but um…I haven't not liked the things that we've already been doing so I'm fine with just seeing where things go from there. I don't want you to feel pressured or like you have to be like the other people that I've…"

"I was just going to say that you don't have to go slow, Dean." Cas blurted, putting a hand up to cover the larger boy's mouth before he brought up all of his past partners.

"What?" Dean's muffled reply came from behind the smaller boy's hand.

"I'm not made of glass or anything. And uh….I can't say that I haven't thought about what it would be like to do other things besides kiss and stuff. So, I'm just saying that you don't need to feel like you have to hold back because if I um…have..shit…if I have sex with anyone, well then I want it to be you."

The last part was said in a rush and Castiel waited for the larger boy's reaction as he slowly removed his hand from Dean's mouth. It was either going to be really bad or really good, he might have just scared off the one person he felt safe enough with to let get close to him in that way.

Dean watched the smaller boy blushing and biting his lip and putting himself out there like that, just telling Dean how he was feeling and what he was thinking because this was real. This was a real relationship and they could talk about things like this and it wasn't weird or uncomfortable because they cared about each other enough to want the other one to know what was going on with them. And he should say it, he really should because god, he was pretty damn sure that he loved Cas.

He loved him so fucking much and even though it was pretty much the scariest realization he had ever had Dean also felt like this wasn't the time to admit how be felt because it would just sound like he was saying it just so that he could sleep with the other boy and that wasn't what he wanted Cas to think at all. And the last time he had said that to anyone, it had been his mom. Then she had left and his loving her hadn't been enough to make her stay to protect him from John, so maybe it wasn't the right word to describe how Dean felt about Castiel. Maybe it wasn't enough.

So instead of saying it he just kissed the other boy, hard and with every ounce of feeling that he could muster. Dean pushed Castiel back against the passenger side door of the Impala, earning a surprised grunt as he carded his fingers through the smaller boy's hair and pressed close enough that he thought surely Cas had to feel how Dean's heart was beating harder than it ever had because it was so full of things that he had never felt before.

"Not here, darling." The smaller boy managed to gasp out as Dean broke away to pepper kisses across his cheeks and nose. Cas pushed against the broad chest pressed against his own in a half-hearted way because all he wanted to do was keep the larger boy that close forever."I didn't mean right now."

Dean buried his face in Castiel's neck and started giggling softly which soon turned from chuckling to him throwing his head back and holding onto his ribs as he laughed because he was just so happy and he didn't know how to put it into words.

Beside him, the smaller boy surreptitiously adjusted the bulge in his pants and that just made Dean laugh harder because he was so turned on by just a kiss too and what were they going to do when they actually tried to have sex?! They couldn't even make out without both of them creaming their pants. It was so ridiculous and amazing and Dean finally felt like he was on an even playing field with Cas for the first time since they had started exploring what each other liked with heated kisses and brushes of hands over clothing.

"I don't see what's so funny," Castiel muttered, crossing his arms over his chest and pouting.

Dean reached out a hand to cup the other boy's face and fought to even out his breathing, letting out a few more giggles and wiping at his eyes with the back of his hand. "Nothing, babe. I just...I'm just really happy."

"Oh," the smaller boy said smiling and leaning into the other boy's hand. "Well, then since you're in such a good mood, can I pick the movie?"

"Of course you can, _darling."_ Dean replied emphasizing the last word and reaching for his door handle.

Cas groaned in a resigned kind of way and ran a hand through his hair. "I can't slip anything past you."

* * *

"Remind me to write that Twilight lady a thank you note later," Gabriel said leering at the younger man who was straddling his legs as they sat on the couch in the Winchester's living room.

Sam pulled his shirt off and Gabriel decided that he needed to thank John later too in some roundabout way for bestowing such amazing genetics on his youngest son, maybe buy him a six pack or a confederate flag or something else that prejudice old men liked. The younger man just smiled at Gabe and leaned down to resume kissing the older man's neck and collarbone as fingers trailed over his ribs and down his back until the man beneath him grabbed firmly onto his denim clad rear and chuckled darkly in a way that Sam had learned only could mean one thing.

Gabriel's hands moved to the front of Sam's jeans, unbuttoning his fly and reaching into the denim with practiced motions until he could feel the hard length of the other man straining against the thin material of his boxers and god, it had been too long since he had touched Sam like this. He was twenty years old, he had a house, and he felt like they shouldn't have to settle for groping in the backseat of the Cadillac just because one of their siblings might hear them.

Anna's room was all the way on the other side of the house and she hadn't said anything after they had come home from the Halloween party, Gabriel had not guessed that Sam would be such a screamer, but he liked being the one who could make the studious, stoic Winchester come undone. And Cas was too busy with Dean to notice if something was going on in the room next to his, besides what good were those noise canceling headphones if his younger brother didn't get some use out of them?

No, he and Sam were going to have to talk about this later, when the other boy wasn't fumbling with Gabriel's belt buckle and making that frustrated little huffy noise that Sam did when he was too impatient to wait for them both to get fully undressed, the one that just did all of the right things to the area below the older man's waist.

"Why are your clothes so complicated?" Sam growled at him, giving up on the belt and pushing up Gabriel's shirt so that he could mouth across the other man's chest to his nipples.

"I told you," Gabriel gasped as the younger man's teeth grazed his skin. He used the hand that wasn't stroking Sam to undo his belt and button fly so that there would be less separating him from sliding against the other boy in that delicious, spine-tingling way that Gabriel craved about 97% of the time that they spent together. "I didn't know that costume would be that hard to get off. But you looked so sexy in those tights, Moose. We should get you another pair."

"Only if you promise not to ruin them again," Sam said mock seriously, pulling back so that he could take the older man's shirt off the rest of the way.

"I promise nothing!" Gabriel declared loudly, using the larger man's weight against him in order to toss him down on the couch so that he could climb on top of Sam and take in the sight of the chiseled boy's brown eyes that were hazy with desire and it made his breath catch in his chest as he thanked whoever it was out there that had made the younger boy dumb enough to want to be with Gabriel when he could probably have anyone in the world.

The older man leaned down for a kiss that was deep and promising, one that spoke of the plans that they had tentatively started discussing when they were both basking in the afterglow of their love-making and too full of feeling to realize that they still had a whole 'nother year until Sam was done with school. A whole year of them having to hide and deal with the venomous backlash of John who had finally cornered them alone in the apartment that day and told Sam that he would rather see the younger boy dead than dragged down to that "fucking faggot's" level. Gabriel had managed to hold Sam back long enough for the boy's father to realize that he was too drunk to take on his son if it came to a fight and had left to go to the bar.

"I love you, Gabs." Sam murmured into their kiss, running his hands up the older man's sides and across his back in order to end up with his long arms wrapped around Gabriel's waist.

"I love you, too Samtown." He would never get over how right it felt to say that.

The two men went back to kissing and soon the heat was back, building and wrapping around them until all they could think about was how the other felt as they panted and groaned each other's names in the stillness of the apartment. They didn't even know that the front door had opened until they heard Dean's voice ring out across the dimly lit room and both Sam and Gabriel started fumbling with their clothes in order to keep this situation from being worse than it already was.

"Cas," Dean said shrugging his jacket off and hanging it up as the smaller boy stalked petulantly into the apartment. "I'm not saying I don't like it. It's cute, old-fashioned. Call me whatever you want, sweetheart."

Castiel grumbled something indecipherable and Gabriel reached for his shirt that had somehow ended up under the coffee table. The older man prayed that Dean wouldn't look over and see the compromising position he and the other boy's brother were in, it had been bad enough when the older Winchester had found one of Gabriel's shirts mixed in with Dean and Sam's laundry. Dean had whined that he was going to have to buy all new clothes, but Gabe saw the wink that the older boy gave his little brother when he thought that the elder Novak wasn't looking.

"Hello, Gabe. Sam." His younger brother mumbled plopping down into the armchair that faced the front door and crossing his arms over his chest as he glared at Dean.

"Are you guys…nonono. I told you two no making out on the couch!" Dean stormed over to level a disapproving look on Gabriel and Sam, hands on his hips and looking altogether like a annoyed father who just walked in on their son with their prom date only to throw a handful of condoms at him and make himself scarce for a while. "Babe, go and find me some lighter fluid."

Castiel shook his head at Dean, but smiled and uncrossed his arms to hold them out to the larger boy in a consoling way. Gabriel watched his little brother's boyfriend cross the room and drop heavily in Cas's lap, burying his face in the smaller boy's neck and saying that he needed brain bleach. Gabriel glanced at Sam who just rolled his eyes at his older brother's dramatics.

"Thanks, Captain Cockblock." Sam said pulling his shirt on over his head and getting up to pad barefoot into the kitchen, punching his older brother hard in the arm on his way past. "Gabs, do you want a bottle of water or anything?"

Gabriel pressed his hands between his knees and rocked back on the couch, tucking his legs underneath himself. "I want…pizza!"

"Pizza!" Dean declared his head popping back up and a smile breaking out over his face. "I knew there had to be something Sammy liked about you."

"You mean besides my dashing good looks?"

"I mean besides the fact that you're small enough to fit in his pocket," the other boy dead-panned back.

"Hmmm, a convenient pocket-sized boyfriend," Castiel mused sounding like it was something that he would seriously consider investing in.

Sam returned to the couch, giving the older Novak a mischievous look along with a bottle of water. "I wouldn't exactly call Gabriel pocket-sized, Dean."

"UGH! NO!" The other Winchester exclaimed, fishing a DVD out of the pocket of the coat that Castiel was still wearing and throwing it at his younger brother. "You do not get to talk about the size of Gabriel's junk in front of me. You don't even get to allude to it. Put that in before you entirely ruin the spirit of movie night."

" _Scott Pilgrim_ , yesssss." The younger boy said snatching up his laptop from where it had sat on the coffee table softly playing music as he and Gabriel had kissed. "Dean and I wanted to go and see this when it came out, but he had to work and school was starting the next week so we missed it, good pick bro."

"Cas picked it." Dean said simply, smiling down at the other boy who was attempting to wriggle out of his coat even though the larger boy was still firmly planted in his lap. "Said he needed to learn how to fight my evil exes."

"Well, if there weren't so many of them..." The younger Novak muttered darkly, turning his head just as Dean tried to kiss him so that the other boy just ended up with a mouthful of his hair instead. Castiel smirked triumphantly at his older brother while his boyfriend worked himself into a full on pout over being ignored. "Can we order pepperoni and olives?"

Gabriel nodded and pulled out his phone, quickly searching for and finding the closest delivery place and calling in an order for an extra large meat lover's pizza for himself and the two Winchester's and a small pepperoni and olive pizza for his younger brother because the other three boys all agreed that olives were hella disgusting.

It was probably the most quality time that Gabriel had spent with his brother since school had started and they had both gotten distracted by the Winchester brothers who had so deeply rooted themselves into the Novak's lives so quickly. He didn't think he had ever seen Cas this relaxed or happy and he could begrudgingly admit that it was all because of Dean, who he had written off as a moronic football player the first time he had seen him picking up Sam from class over the summer, but had turned out to be way more than the gruff, swaggering exterior that he presented to everyone.

His little brother looked at Dean like he was the stars and the moon and held all of the amazing secrets of the universe in his smile, Gabriel knew that was how he looked at Sam and he hoped that the older Winchester realized how lucky he was being on the receiving end of his brother's affections. The older Novak didn't know what he would do if things ended badly between the two boys, he didn't know if Cas could handle being broken like that again by someone he trusted.

But he tried not to think about it as they watched the movie and ate pizza and joked about the fight scenes, trying to figure out how much money they would get if they beat John in a video game style fight. Gabriel saw how Cas's eyes got all far away looking when Scott talked to his roommate about the L-word and some ultra-protective part of him wanted to warn the other boy from being the first one to say it, but he knew how hypocritical of him that was because hadn't he been the one to blurt it out to Sam on their second date?

When the movie was over he saw his little brother hesitate for a moment before gently pushing at Dean to get off of him so that he could go home. Gabriel could understand the sentiment because he liked being able to sleep alone with Sam too and through some previously unspoken agreement, Wednesdays had always meant that Dean stayed over at their house while Gabriel and Sam made the best of the younger Winchester's small twin bed. But its not like they weren't going to see the two boys all day tomorrow, so he decided to exercise some authority over Cas and make him come home, especially since he needed the younger boy's help with the food that they had agreed to bring over to Bobby's house the next day.

"Come on, Romeo" Gabriel called taking his jacket from Sam and sliding it on before standing on tiptoe to place a kiss on the taller boy's lips. "I'll see you tomorrow, Moosey."

"Six o'clock. Don't be late, Bobby gets grumpy when he's hungry." Sam said sternly, wrapping his arms around the smaller man to drag him back for another kiss. "I want him to like you."

"What are you worried about? He's gonna love me!" He retorted cheekily.

"I love you," Sam murmured, pressing a kiss onto Gabe's forehead before releasing him to go and rescue Castiel from where Dean was clutching onto the smaller boy like he was never going to see him again.

The two Winchester's watched as their respective boyfriends left the apartment, bundled up against the cold weather and promising that they would be on time for Thanksgiving and football and whatever else it was that Bobby had planned for the following day. Sam glanced at his older brother who had an expression like someone had just gutted him with one of cupid's arrows, all pained and love-struck and just rolled his eyes before trudging off to shower so he could finally relieve the tension that he had been dealing with since Dean and Cas had walked into the apartment.

* * *

This had to be, by far the strangest Thanksgiving that Castiel had ever attended.

First of all, there was no traditional Thanksgiving food. No stuffing or cranberry sauce, no green bean casserole or yams or a cheese log. Bobby told him that they used to do turkey, a long time ago and once, just once he had made a turducken which had ended up making Dean gain about ten pounds in a week because he refused to eat anything else, even pie. Okay, there was a lot of pie at Bobby's house, more than just the five pies that Ellen had made for the Winchester's to bring over (excluding the one that Sam said they had to leave at the apartment for John, since he wasn't coming because, apparently the Winchester patriarch didn't _do_ holidays).

Second, was Rufus. The two Winchesters didn't even seem to know who the surly old black man was bustling around outside in the patchy snow with Bobby as they two men manned the grill and argued over who cooked better brisket. He had apparently been to the Singer household before because he knew his way around the kitchen when Castiel asked where the glasses were as he helped Dean set the table. He was gruff in a way that complimented Bobby, and Gabriel kept making references to _Grumpy Old Men_ when both men were out of earshot.

Third was the fact that apparently everyone but Dean knew that it was his birthday because when his boyfriend had gotten up excitedly to go and fetch pie after they had all finished eating, the other four men at the table, Rufus included, had insisted that Gabriel and Sam be the one to go and get it and the older Winchester's face had gotten suspicious and confused as he made threats towards anyone that touched his apple pie. Castiel didn't have the heart to tell the other boy that he preferred cherry, he figured that they would always just have to have both around when they got out on their own.

Castiel knew what was going on and he hoped that Dean didn't get that hurt look he sometimes had when something reminded the smaller boy of his looming court date with his father and eldest brother and he started having a panic attack that he wouldn't talk about with his boyfriend afterwards.

He crossed his arms over his chest and put on his most disapproving face when Sam flicked off the lights on his way back into the dining room and settled a party hat in the dark nest of Castiel's hair.

"Sorry, Cas," The younger boy said smiling widely as Gabriel entered the room holding a cherry pie with lit candles stuck into it and singing some made up song about birthdays that he changed from year to year and person to person. His older brother really liked birthdays.

The younger Novak glanced over at Dean who was resolutely looking at the party hat that Sam had put on the table in front of him, the muscles in his neck and jaw tense from keeping the forced smile on his face as his older brother started dishing out pie to all of the men at the table.

"Alrigh' idjits," Bobby said, fixing the party hat on over his trucker hat, turning towards Rufus who was shaking with laughter at the sight. "Now would be a good time to go around the table and talk about what yer thankful for."

Sam raised his beer that the older man had turned a blind eye at the younger boy drinking, "I'm thankful for whoever it was that made a salad to go with all of this food. You realize that you basically cooked just meat and potatoes right, Bobby?"

"Shut up," The older man groused, raising his tumbler which was full of the amber whiskey that he and the other adults were drinking. "I'm thankful for family and that you boys are happy and safe. Castiel, happy birthday, boy. Dean picked the right brother."

"Hey!" Gabriel exclaimed petulantly.

"Prove me wrong, boy." Bobby said looking pointedly at the glass of untouched whiskey that he had given to the older Novak.

His brother sneered at the older man and picked up the glass, toasting with it raised in the air. "I'm thankful for the fact that Anna is staying the night with Gilda and I didn't have to cook more than a salad and some coleslaw."

"Awww, I knew it had to be you Gabs." Sam said leaning in and kissing Gabriel's cheek, the older boy stuck his tongue out at Bobby before taking a sip of the whiskey and grimacing at the taste of the alcohol.

"I'm thankful that my wife will be home from her mother's by the time I get back to Omaha," Rufus said making a face at Sam and Gabriel's cuddling before glancing over at Bobby and quickly rearranging his features. "I'm also thankful that Bobby took me in out of the cold for the day so that I didn't have to eat a TV dinner for Thanksgiving."

"A bit of goddamn 'preciation. That's all I ask for," the other man grumbled, hiding his smile behind his whiskey.

The table was silent for a moment, Castiel was waiting for Dean to speak, to say that he was thankful for him and that just them being together was more than he could ever have hoped for, because that's how Cas felt and he needed to know if the other boy felt the same way. But nothing was coming from the seat beside him, it was just Dean sitting with his fingers toying the elastic string of the party hat and breathing deeply through his nose.

Castiel cleared his throat and reached out a hand to put it over the fist that Dean had clenched on top of his leg. "I'm thankful for today, just being here with the people that care about me. If you had asked me before we moved here if I ever thought that I would be blessed enough to have so many people who wanted me around then I would have told you you were crazy. I was just content to wake up breathing everyday, now I have something to look forward to. So, I'm thankful for all of you."

Dean blinked his eyes hard a couple of times and took a steadying breath before unclenching his fist and turning his palm up so that he could twine his fingers through Castiel's.

"Guess that just leaves me," The larger boy glanced over at Cas and for a second there, he thought that Dean was going to say it. He could see the words forming on the tip of his boyfriend's tongue and he didn't know if he could get the reply out fast enough, that's how much he had been wanting to tell the other boy that he loved him. But Dean didn't say it and Castiel bit back the 'I love you, too.' before it slipped out of his own mouth after the other boy spoke. "I'm thankful for camera phones, someone tell me you got a picture of Bobby in that hat?"

"Got it," Gabriel said smugly, sliding his phone off of the table and back into his pocket as the older man glared at him.

"Balls!" Bobby swore, snatching the cone off of his head and throwing it at the younger man sitting across from him.

"I've got to go to the bathroom," Castiel said quickly, pushing back from the table hard enough to knock over his chair as he rushed out of the room, feeling stupid for being so sentimental and hopeful and thinking that Dean could ever feel that way about him too.

He rushed down the hallway to the small guest bathroom that Rufus had pointed out to him earlier and locked himself in. Cas leaned against the sink and watched as his reflection crumbled and tears started tracking down his face, he disgustedly snatched the party hat off of his head and crushed it before throwing it into the waste basket in the corner of the room. He could feel his chest tightening and the voices whispering at the corners of his mind, telling him that Dean would never love him back because he was dirty and sinful and all of the Hail Mary's in the world would never be enough to fix him.

Castiel's vision started to get black around the edges as he began to struggle for air and he really regretted not taking his medication for the last couple of days because he had been feeling better and he didn't think that he needed it anymore. He thought he was getting better, Rachel even said he was doing better and he didn't want to be this weak little thing that Dean was stuck with out of a sense of obligation. He wanted to be whole and perfect for the other boy because that's what Dean deserved.

"Open the door, Cas." The sound of Dean's voice came through the wood along with a short knock.

The smaller boy tried to control his gasps so that the other boy wouldn't hear him being upset and decide that Castiel wasn't worth all of this trouble. The knob rattled and another more urgent knock followed as Cas collapsed to his knees, still clutching the sink and fighting away the memories of his torn nails scrabbling at the lock on the basement door when his father was out of the house and he thought he had a chance to escape.

"I swear to god, I will fucking break it down." Dean sounded worried and desperate and it was enough to bring Castiel back to himself for long enough to reach out and flip the lock on the door so the other boy could get in.

His boyfriend took one look at Castiel and stooped to gather him up in his arms, rubbing small circles into the other boy's back and making soothing shushing sounds as he told the panicked boy that it was all going to be fine, nothing was going to hurt him, Dean would make sure that nothing ever hurt him again.

"What's gong on in here?" Bobby's voice rang out in the tiny bathroom and Castiel tried to look up at the other man, but Dean kept stroking his hair and kissing his forehead and it was helping to calm his racing heart so he stayed hidden in the safe confines of the other boy's chest, clutching at the the material of the gray Henley that Dean was wearing.

"It's nothing, Bobby." Dean said softly.

"Looks like a panic attack to me," Rufus supplied, glancing over Bobby's shoulder into the bathroom.

"Thanks, Freud." Bobby snapped shooing the other man away. "Go get a plate together for John, make yerself useful. He gonna be okay?"

"Yea," the larger boy answered. "It happens sometimes, he won't tell me what causes it, but I can handle it, Bobby. Go ahead."

"You sure?" the older man asked and Castiel felt bad for making this man he hardly knew worry about him so much. "His brother and Sam already left, said they were going back to Gabriel's house. Are you here tonight?"

"If you don't mind?" Dean asked, pulling back so that he could cup Castiel's face in his hands and brush his fingers over the other boy's face to clear away the tears. "You know how my dad gets during the holidays."

Bobby cleared his throat and nodded, fidgeting with his trucker hat as he watched the two boys and thought about a time when another Winchester had been as concerned about him as Dean was about Cas. "I made up the guest room for you, hell. You know where everything is, boy. We'll be back in an hour or so."

The older man headed towards the kitchen and helped Rufus gather up some leftovers to take over to John, which after so many years of Bobby watching the older man get drunk during the holidays by himself it was going to be strange to have their old friend there to keep things from getting out of hand this year.

"I'm glad you were able to make it out, Rufus."

"Well, you saved me from my mother in law and I can't say I wasn't surprised when you called and told me what was going on with John. You would think the man would be a little more tolerant towards his own son after everything that happened when you guys were their age."

"They say history repeats itself," Bobby replied sadly, stacking up a couple of plates of food and tossing the keys to his truck to the other man. "Let's get this over with."

Back in the bathroom, Dean pulled Castiel to his feet still mostly supporting the other boy as he led him up the stairs and to the guest bedroom. He got the smaller boy situated sitting on the bed and disappeared so that he could get some extra blankets and some clothes for Cas to sleep in because Dean really didn't have any qualms about sleeping in just his boxers with the other boy, but he knew that his boyfriend would probably get cold in the drafty, old house.

When he returned he was stunned to find that Castiel was already snuggled under the blankets facing the wall, his clothing scattered around on the floor like he just didn't have the energy to deal with being neat like he usually was. Dean tossed another blanket onto the foot of the bed and striped down to his own boxers before turning off the light, sliding under the covers, and spooning up behind Cas.

He reveled in the how his chest felt pressed against the warm skin of the smaller boy's back, Castiel didn't like to take his shirt off and Dean thought it might have something to do with the scar on his chest, but it could also be because the larger boy couldn't help staring when he would get Cas's button downs open before the other boy got a chance to stop him. Castiel was just so beautiful and the scar didn't take away from how sexy Dean thought the other boy was.

"I wish you had told me," Dean muttered into the back of Castiel's neck, pressing a kiss onto the smaller boy's shoulders. "I felt like such an asshole sitting there. What kind of guy doesn't know when his boyfriend's birthday is?"

"I don't know when yours is," the smaller boy supplied, which Dean figured was probably just a lie to make him feel better because Cas knew everything about him, down to his favorite pie and which Metallica album made him want to give up on the band anytime he heard anything off of it.

"January 24th."

"Oh, don't tell Gabriel." Castiel said and Dean relaxed because he could hear the smile in the other boy's voice.

"He already made the joke about Sam not being the only Winchester who liked older men, you should've seen Bobby's face."

"I'm sorry I missed it," the other boy sighed, twining his finger's through the hand that Dean had splayed across his chest.

"Are you going to tell me what it was about this time? Was it because of me? I'm sorry I didn't get you a birthday present, babe. I would've done something if I had known," it would just kill Dean if he were the cause of Cas's panic attacks, he wanted the other boy to feel safe around him.

"It wasn't you, not really." Castiel said softly. "I'm not ready to talk about it yet and this is a great present. Just being here with you."

Dean tightened his arm around the smaller boy and tangled their legs together under the covers, he kissed the back of Cas's neck and draped his free hand lazily over his boyfriend's waist. He used the tip of his index finger to spell it out, how he felt about the other boy, onto the taunt skin of Castiel's abdomen and the muscles in the boy's back jumped and tensed against his chest as the sensation caused the smaller boy to shiver and gasp.

"I guess there is something I could give you for your birthday," Dean said swallowing as the image of what he wanted to do flittered through his head. "But if it's too much, you need to tell me to stop."

"Okay," Castiel said nodding quickly and allowing the larger boy to turn him over onto his back.

In the dim light, Dean could barely see the other boy's features, but what he could see told him that Cas was just as nervous as he was and it helped because god, he was so incredibly worried that he was going to be terrible at being with another guy and it was just going to make everything awkward between the two of them if it was bad.

Hesitantly, Dean leaned down and kissed Castiel, taking it slower than he normally would because he didn't know if his brain was going to overload once he started touching the other boy and he needed to be in control of how his body was reacting so that he didn't embarrass himself. The smaller boy tasted like the beer that he had been nursing throughout the night and Dean tried to mimic how Cas would nip at his lips in that way that just drove him wild, earning a groan from the other boy that went straight to Dean's rapidly growing erection.

He levered himself up onto the other boy, slotting their bodies together as he ran his hands over Castiel's neck and chest, brushing his thumb over the wildly thrumming pulse point at the base of his boyfriend's throat and lightly pinching Cas's nipples how he knew the other boy liked, causing the smaller boy to roll his hips up to meet Dean. The larger boy had to stop for a moment as the sensation of Castiel's arousal against his own caused his dick to throb in an almost painfully pleasurable way, they had never done this with so few clothes on and it was almost too much, but at the same time Dean still felt like there was so much separating them.

Castiel ran his fingers through Dean's hair, as the larger boy started to place hot, open mouthed kisses down his neck, nibbling at his collarbone and his shoulder while one of Dean's hand held onto his jaw, moving his head into a position that gave the other boy room to work. Dean's fingers brushed against his lower lip as the smaller boy murmured encouragement to his boyfriend and an emboldened, wanton part of Cas made him want to suck the fingers into his mouth, but this was enough and it felt so good and he didn't want to do something that would make Dean freak out and stop.

Dean kissed his way down Castiel's chest, pausing to lave his tongue over each of the dark nipples as the smaller boy's back arched off of the bed and he said something in a language that could've been French, but the larger boy wasn't entirely sure. Regardless it was hot and he decided that he needed to touch Cas right the fuck now.

Before he could think too much about it he reached into the other boy's plain white boxers and grasped the smaller boy's cock. Castiel's eyes flew open and Dean could see the amazed look on the his face as he started to stroke his boyfriend's length loosely and tentatively until he was sure how the other boy would react.

"Is this okay?" Dean asked lowly, smirking when Castiel nodded and threw his head back onto the pillow he was laying on, arching his back up into the larger boy's sure touch and groaning.

"Dean," Cas panted, gripping onto the other boy's bicep and urging until Dean's face was back near his and he could kiss the other boy like he wanted to, their mouths moving urgently together as the larger boy pushed Castiel's boxers down his legs until his cock was exposed to the cool night air.

Dean ran his palm over the head of the smaller boy's leaking erection, spreading the precome down the hard length to ease the friction of his hand as he looked down to watch what was he was doing. He was still hard as hell, himself and it calmed his fears a bit that he wasn't going to suddenly decide that he couldn't be with another guy once he was actually doing more physical things with Castiel. And the sight of his hand stroking Cas, knowing that he was the one causing the other boy to moan and writhe beneath him in a way that no one else ever had done caused his own dick to throb and pulse in time to how he was touching the other boy.

Castiel bit his lip and tried to string together a coherent sentence, something that would let Dean know that he needed to touch the other boy too, that he wanted them to do this together. "Uhhh, god! Dean...fuck...dean!"

"I've got you babe," The larger boy growled, twisting his wrist and thumbing over the slit of Castiel's dick on the upstroke. "Shit, you're so fucking sexy right now. My fucking beautiful angel."

The smaller boy focused on getting the words out, fingers clenching in Dean's hair as his boyfriend ducked back down to suck one of Cas's nipples into his mouth. "Dean...I want...I want..."

"What do you want, Cas? Tell me what you want." Dean muttered, looking up at the other boy under his eyelashes.

The smaller boy reached down and cupped Dean's erection through his boxers and the larger boy's eyes widened in sudden realization. His boyfriend pressed down on him as he used his free hand to pull down the form-fitting navy boxers he was wearing, still stroking Castiel as the smaller boy's slim fingers wrapped around his own substantial length.

"Fuck, Cas!" Dean groaned as his own dick was stroked at a pace that matched the one he had set for the other boy, Castiel mirroring his own movements so it felt like they were doing something so much more intimate than simply jerking each other off. "You're so fucking good, babe. Oh, christ!"

When the heads of their cocks brushed together as the thrust into each other's hands, both boys groaned loudly, with Dean clutching the sheets next to Castiel's head as the smaller boy dug his nails into the boy above him's back. Dean moved closer so that every he and Cas stroked upwards their hands would meet and he could feel the other boy's precome mixing with is own to lubricate the movement of Cas's hand on his dick. The smell of sex hung heavy in the air and Dean felt overwhelmed by how much he loved the other boy and wanted to never leave this bed or this room if it meant that they wouldn't have to face a world that hated them again.

"Darling," The smaller boy moaned, pulling Dean's face down so that he could kiss the other boy as he started to feel his spine start tingling. "OH! Oh dear lord...Dean...you're so wonderful...I'm close! God! Deeeeaaaan!"

Hot, white spurts of come shot out over their chests and stomachs, coating Dean's hand as he stroked the other boy through his orgasm. Castiel's grip on Dean's cock never slackened and it only took a couple more slides of his hand around the other boy, eased even more by his own come that had gotten onto the larger boy's dick, before Dean was groaning and throbbing in his hand as he came as well.

"Shit, Cas! Oh fuck, jesus!" Dean exclaimed his climax taking him by surprise because feeling the other boy come across his chest had been way hotter than he had expected and he didn't even care that they were filthy and sticky because Castiel was marked as his and he was Cas's.

The larger boy collapsed on top of Cas, kissing his shoulders and breathing in the heady scent of the other boy's sweat as his heart fought to return to its normal rhythm. Dean laughed when he felt the other boy's hands slide around to cup his butt and give it a gentle squeeze.

"I could've just let you grope me for your birthday and you would've been happy, right?"

Castiel shifted beneath him until he could kiss Dean's nose softly, his mouth quirking in an exhausted but mischievous way. "Probably. But this will do I guess."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is anyone daunted by the length of this thing?! Seriously, its freaking me out that I've written over 100K words so far. And there is no end in sight...well there is but its a long way off and it lives in another part.
> 
> Anyway, forgive my tiny quarter life writing crisis, but let me know if you're getting bored I will toss all that angst right back in there! Don't think its disappeared.


	18. Lord, I'm Discouraged

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beware the angst, it lurks within.

Dean decided to make good on his promise of pancakes when he woke up the next morning, untangling himself from Castiel's octopus-like embrace that wrapped around the larger boy sometimes when they slept in the same bed. He hadn't decided if it was something that the smaller boy did on purpose or not yet, but Dean liked feeling like Cas was being all protective of him so anytime he woke up with his boyfriend tangled up in him, it was a good way to wake up.

He tucked the covers back over the other boy as Castiel flopped back onto his back, throwing an arm over his eyes and muttering something about bumblebees, his brow furrowing until Dean leaned down and pressed soft kisses against his cheeks until a smile settled on Cas's face and the other boy's breathing evened back out as he continued to sleep.

The larger boy tossed on the first pieces of clothing that he snatched off the floor, only bothering with putting on more than boxers in an effort to maintain any shred of privacy he and Cas might have left after the other boy had woke him up in the middle of the night with urgent, messy kisses all over his face that ended up in them gasping and moaning as they touched each other, trying to be as quiet as possible and probably failing in an effort to try to not wake up Bobby.

He had asked Castiel afterwards, what had prompted the unexpected second round of celebratory birthday… What even was it that they were doing? Dean figured he would have to look up a term for it later, because asking Sam would be entirely too embarrassing. His boyfriend had just buried his face in Dean's neck, shivering as the larger boy trailed fingers softly up and down his spine and said that he had a nightmare. Dean didn't push any further than that because he knew that sometimes he needed to reassure himself that Castiel was okay when he woke up in the middle of the night from a bad dream that the other boy was in and fumbled with his phone so that he could shoot off a late night text message to his boyfriend if they weren't staying the night with each other.

Dean headed down the stairs towards the kitchen, being careful to skip the second stair from the bottom that he knew would creak insanely loud enough that Bobby always woke up when he heard it. Luckily he had practically grown up in the creaky old house so he knew all of its quirks and which floorboards would give him away as he stealthily moved around the kitchen gathering ingredients for pancakes and bacon, starting a pot of coffee because if he needed some caffeine then Bobby sure as hell would be demanding the beverage as soon as he appeared.

It was the bacon that gave him away, drawing the older man into the kitchen missing his trucker hat and scratching at his beard as he groped blindly for a coffee mug in the cabinets above the sink.

"Pancakes?" Dean offered, picking out the best of batch and sliding them onto a plate with some still sizzling bacon for Cas, pouring some syrup onto the stack and balancing a fork alongside the food so that he could carry it and a mug up the stairs and wake up the other boy with breakfast in bed.

Bobby grunted in acknowledgment, sipping at his black coffee before scrubbing a hand over his face tiredly. "Tell Cas he's lucky it was his birthday, next time I turn the hose on you two."

Dean blushed all the way to the tips of his ears and nodded at the other man as he started carefully towards the stairs.

"Yer dad asked where you and your brother were," the older man said as he passed causing Dean to look up surprised. "Told him you were at my house and that you'd be home later today. Rufus and I got him into bed so that's probably where you'll find him when you make it back to the apartment."

"Did he say anything else?" the younger man asked, swallowing hard when he thought of Bobby having to deal with his dad when he was being drunk and belligerent. He had always felt guilty letting the older man go and take care of his dad during the holidays, but Bobby had always insisted saying that he liked to make sure that John was ok.

Bobby hesitated for a second before nodding slightly and moving towards the plates of food that Dean had prepared. "He had some choice things to say about your brother's boyfriend, don't think he quite gets Gabriel's sense of humor."

"He say anything about Cas?"

"No, I don't think he remembers meeting him t' be honest with you." Bobby said sounding slightly relieved. "You know how John can be when he gets a burr in his saddle, one track mind. But just keep an eye out fer your brother, maybe they should stick around Gabe's house for a while."

"I'll pass the word on." Dean replied, trying not to think about what his dad might have said in order to make Bobby so concerned about Sam.

John had been making vague, unclear and often inebriated threats about disowning Sam if he had concrete evidence that something was going on with the younger man and Gabriel. He would grumble on and on about how Sam was lucky that that was all that John would do and Dean would just try to ignore the older man's ranting as he carried him to bed or gently unwrapped his fingers from whatever beer can or bottle he was holding.

They only had a couple more months until Dean's own eighteenth birthday and then he and Sam could talk about what they were going to do about their dad. For now, he just needed to focus on getting back up Bobby's stairs without spilling hot coffee all down the front of Cas's favorite band shirt, the gold one with the sailor girl on the front, the one for the band that Dean sounded more like melodic talking than singing.

He slunk into the bedroom and set the food down on the coffee table that Bobby had next to the bed, taking a second to look down fondly at Cas who had sprawled out on his stomach in the empty double bed, scooping the pillows up under his head with the blanket having slipped down to the small of the other boy's back.

The cold morning sunlight bled into the room around the neglected gauzy curtains that had been covering the windows for as long as Dean could remember and a glance outside had him smiling when he realized that it had finally snowed hard enough to stick, like the weather had been waiting for Castiel's birthday to happen before it finally made up its mind about winter. He had already started mentally compacting the perfect snowball in his head, one that would look amazing exploding in Gabriel's face and pretty much satisfy the protective need he had to pummel the other man anytime he saw Gabe touch Sam without making his brother hate him, when he saw it.

The marks were pale and innocuous and, at first Dean thought they were shadows cast by the snowflakes stuck to the outside of the window, but when he moved to block the light they were still there, marring the perfect flesh of Castiel's shoulders and back. Lacing over the cute, scattered moles and freckles on his boyfriend's skin were thin, slightly raised scars that angled down into a sharp V at the base of the other boy's spine. There were so many of them and his mind unwillingly conjured up the image of blood sluicing down Castiel's back in angry rivulets that stemmed from the marks when they had been fresh and violently red.

Dean reached out a shaky hand to touch the marks, running the flat of his palm over the smaller boy's protruding shoulder blades that bore the majority of the evidence that someone had hurt Cas. He felt so angry at himself for never having asked Castiel about the scar on his chest before, if it was the only one and who had put it there because it was obvious now that they was more to the story of why his boyfriend had to see a therapist than he had been told.

Castiel groaned softly and arched up into Dean's touch like a cat being petted, the muscles of his back caused the scars to ripple and flash an almost silvery white as they moved when the smaller boy turned his head to crack a sleepy eyelid at Dean. He swallowed back the bile that had risen up in his throat as he thought of him not being able to protect Cas like he deserved and tried to breathe when the other boy smiled at him, blearily.

"Dean," Cas murmured, sliding back on the bed and patting the empty space next to him. "Come back to bed, darling."

"I made pancakes," Dean choked out, sitting down quickly next to the other boy as the room started to spin sickeningly around him. He kept his hand on Castiel's back, trying to decipher the raised lines on his boyfriend's skin so that he wouldn't have to ask about what had caused them only to hear about how the world had failed his fragile, perfect angel.

Castiel's smile widened and Dean felt his heart twist painfully when the other boy pulled him down into a soft, kiss. How could anyone hurt Cas? He was just so sweet and gentle and even though he knew the other boy was probably a better marksman than freakin' Robin Hood, Cas wouldn't raise a finger against anyone unless it was self-defense, so whoever had done this must have been someone he trusted. Someone that the other boy never would've fought against.

Dean broke the kiss when he felt the other boy's hand slide under his pilfered shirt and turned his face away from Cas so that his boyfriend wouldn't see the distraught expression that he was sure was on his face. He needed to stop thinking about this before he completely ruined the wonderful morning they were going to have, building snow men and making snow angels if it was the last thing Dean ever did. Cas would tell him about it when he was ready.

He watched the other boy sit up cross-legged on the bed, pulling a pillow into his lap so that he could use it as a table as he picked up the plate of food and began to dig in, groaning in an exaggerated way when he took the first bite and looking at Dean with an adoring expression on his face.

"These are wonderful, Dean." Castiel said offering a bite to the larger boy which Dean declined because he felt like if he opened his mouth he was going throw up.

His boyfriend tilted his head and narrowed his eyes shrewdly at Dean, chewing slowly and taking a sip of the coffee that he had perched between their almost touching knees. "What's wrong with you? Were we too loud last night? Did Bobby say something ?"

Dean shook his head at the other boy, crossing his arms over his chest and tried, unsuccessfully, to force down the question as it fought its way to the forefront of his thoughts. "Cas, babe. Who did it?"

"Who did what?" The smaller boy asked lowering his fork and moving slowly to place his plate and coffee mug back on the bedside table.

"Baby, just…please tell me. Who left…who put those scars on your back?"

The wall slammed down behind Castiel's eyes so fast that it felt like someone had punched him right in the gut as the breath rushed out of his lungs. Dean hadn't seen the other boy look so cold and robotic since the first time that they had met and even then, the blue eyes that shone when Cas laughed or smiled had sparked with something that day when he and the other boy had talked in Chuck's darkened classroom.

He hadn't known it until just now, but Dean had come to live for the way that the other boy's eyes changed with his mood, ranging in color from a pale, almost nonexistent blue when the other boy was confused about something to a midnight navy when he would pull Dean in for a desire filled kiss. But now they were a flat, slate grey and the larger boy wished he knew what it was that made Cas feel like he couldn't trust him, because that's what it all came down to. Trust.

"I don't want to talk about it," Castiel said moving quickly off of the bed and snatching up the green Henley that Dean had been wearing the evening before, pulling it over his head with stiff, jerky movements and grabbing his jeans off of the floor. "Can you just take me home, Dean? I'm ready to go home."

"Cas," Dean said getting up and grabbing the other boy's hands which were clenched at his sides, his boyfriend fought to pull away for a moment before simply stilling his movements and avoiding Dean's eyes as the larger boy clung to him. "Just tell me how it happened. Was it an accident? Was it when you fell down those stairs? Who did that to you?"

"It's nothing, Dean." The other boy said robotically, the muscle in his jaw twitching and his adam's apple bobbing spasmodically giving away the fact that he was trying to keep something back. "Just drop it."

"I'm not going to drop it, Cas!" Dean shouted, pulling down the collar of the Henley so that he could put his hand over the scar on the other boy's chest. "Was it the same person who did this? You have to tell me!"

"No. I. Don't." Castiel bit off each word angrily and tore out of Dean's grasp heading for the doorway of the bedroom.

"You promised, Cas! Don't fucking run away from this, just tell me who did it and I'll leave it alone."

Dean watched as his boyfriend's back tensed and the knuckles on the hand that was gripping the doorknob turned white with frustration.

"I don't see why it's important." The smaller boy hissed, turning his head slightly so that his face was in profile against the backdrop of the faded white doorway.

"It's important because I want to protect you from whoever did it, Cas." Dean said running a hand through his hair as he moved to stand behind the other boy, putting a hand on the tight muscles in Castiel's shoulder. He frowned when the smaller boy didn't so much as twitch in response when normally Cas would have been leaning into the touch.

"You can't." Castiel said softly, opening the door and starting down the stairs.

The smaller boy stopped by the front door, acknowledging Bobby with a curt nod of his head towards where the older man was watching with a look of confusion on his face as Cas shoved the laces of his sneakers into his shoes, not bothering with tying them before he threw his pea coat on and started rooting around in the pocket of Dean's leather jacket that was hanging up on the coat rack next to the door.

"Cas, what are you doing? Just talk to me," Dean said putting himself between the other boy and the door as Castiel triumphantly held the keys to the Impala up when he found them in the coat.

"Either you take me home or I walk," the other boy said sternly.

"You would rather walk home in the snow than talk to me?" Dean asked, trying and failing to keep the hurt out of his voice as he looked at the stubborn expression on the other boy's face.

Castiel's face fell for a second when Dean mentioned snow and he thought that his boyfriend would crack and tell him what he wanted to know, but then the other boy's face hardened even more and he threw the keys hard at Dean's chest.

"Yes."

Dean searched the other boy's face to see if he was bluffing, but a sad part of him knew that Castiel was far from joking in that weird half-serious way that he did sometimes. So the larger boy just sighed and grabbed his jacket before shoving on his boots and stalking out to the Impala with Cas moving silently behind him.

He didn't wait for the car to heat up and he didn't try to get Castiel to snuggle with him in the cold leather interior like he normally would, Dean just wanted his boyfriend to stop hiding things from him. Cas had been getting better over the last couple of weeks with telling Dean when something was becoming too much; when too many people were around for them to kiss or when a movie became too gory for the other boy to sit through and the two of them would get up and go hang out with Garth's mom until the scary part of whatever they were watching was over. Those were things Dean didn't even have to ask about anymore, he just knew when to stop pushing.

But something about the scars on Castiel's back made Dean what to prod and cajole the other boy until he told him what the fuck was going on. He felt like if Cas just opened up to him then he could help, like all of the other times when he could just soothe away the panic attacks with soft words and tender kisses, but maybe that wasn't going to be enough this time.

Maybe Dean couldn't fix this and maybe Cas knew that. Maybe that was why he didn't want to talk to him, because it would mean that the other boy had to admit that Dean wasn't good enough to be what he needed in order to not have to see a therapist anymore. Dean knew that he wasn't enough, but god he wanted to at least fucking try to be.

When they reached the Novak house, Gabriel was outside sliding around on the sidewalk precariously as he sprinkled rock salt on the porch and path leading up to the doorway. Dean watched the other man for a minute before he realized that Cas was still in the car, that he hadn't bolted yet like he had thought the smaller boy would do as soon as they got to his house. He had his hands clenched together tightly in his lap and was staring at Dean like he would never see him again, a look of complete and utter panic on his face even though his eyes remained detached and flat as the tears spilled over and down his cheeks.

"Baby," Dean said brokenly reaching out to cup the other boy's face only to be stopped when Castiel backed away from his outstretched hand. A strangled sound of disappointment escaped him as his hand fell limply onto the seat between them.

"You want to know who did it, Dean?" Castiel asked desperately. "Why you can't protect me from them?"

"Only if you want to tell me, Cas." He replied all of the fight draining out of him as Cas sniffled in the seat across from him.

"If I tell you then you go home and just…leave me alone. Can you do that Dean? Can you just give me some time?"

Dean nodded numbly, this was it. He had pushed too hard and now Cas was done with him, but this way at least he would know who to take his anger out on for hurting this beautiful, kind person that he loved so much.

Castiel took a deep breath, reaching out and opening the door of the Impala, letting the cold winter air rob the vehicle of the warmth that had started coming from the rattling heating vents. "I did it to myself, Dean. The scars, I did it to myself."

* * *

"Bless me Father for I have sinned…" Castiel began in the narrow confines of the confessional booth at St. John Church, which had been the only Catholic church that he could find that hadn't already shut its doors after Friday morning mass for the remainder of the day after the holiday. "It has been…well…a long time since my last confession."

He knees were already starting to hurt from kneeling near the mesh screen that separated him from the priest and he was starting to feel stupid for thinking this was what he needed in order to feel better, but after admitting to how Dean how weak and broken he was the only thing he could think of doing when he couldn't reach Rachel at her emergency number was the comforting stillness he always had as a child after confessing to pulling his sister's hair or purposely stealing the batteries out of the remote so Raphael had to get up to change the channel to get to whatever game was playing.

Castiel hadn't been to a mass since before leaving Lake Forrest, all of the pomp and circumstance just served to make him feel more out of place and unwanted, and he hadn't confessed anything more than venial sins even then because like had told Dean after their first kiss, he had always known that he was attracted to other men, the graphic dreams of Elvis in his early teenage years only solidifying the fact that he was going to the part of hell reserved for homosexuals and sodomites.

All of that coupled with the fact that he was struggling with the image of God that his father and Raphael had convinced him of when they had him locked in the basement of their house in Pontiac, their hope being that through self-flagellation and stripping him of the few beliefs he had about his creator that his recently revealed homosexuality would just disappear. That God would "cure" him through some modern day miracle and Castiel would be forgiven for killing himself in an effort to make the world a better place if he didn't have liking other men hanging over his head as well when he faced St. Peter for judgment.

"Continue my son," the disembodied voice of the priest said, snapping him out of the dangerous direction that his thoughts were taking him.

"Father," He began licking his chapped lips and still tasting the coffee that Dean had brought up to the bedroom for him at the back of his throat, how his boyfriend had tried to put enough sugar into it to make it tolerable, just the way that Cas liked it. "I am having a hard time forgiving others. My fath- they used God as an excuse for what they did, for the wrong reasons. Sometimes all I can think about is getting revenge on them, how I would hurt them for what they did to me, for making me weak."

"The lord has told us to forgive those who trespass against us—" The preist began sounding bored.

"Yes, I know." Castiel said impatiently. "But Father, they have made me question everything about myself. My sanity, my faith, everyone's motives. I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore. They have taken God away from me."

"No one can take God away from you, my son. Oftentimes we find ourselves questioning his motives, why he lets the terrible things that occur in our lives happen. A person's faith is tested every day, just waking up is a constant struggle for some, but when you take the time to see the wonders of God's creation, in a flower or the smile of someone you love. When you stop to appreciate that he created each of those things to be unique, but still reflect his image, his love for us then it's easier to trust that your questions will be answered when he is ready to answer them and not a moment before."

"What if he never answers?"

This was the question that he kept struggling with because Castiel hadn't stopped praying. Even when he was asking Dean if there was something else out there and wondering if testifying against his father was pointless because if God worked in mysterious ways that only he knew about well then that meant that everything was predetermined and you couldn't change your fate. There was no free will, there was no choice, everyone was on the path that had already been set for them and fighting for anything was futile.

"That is what faith is for," The priest replied, like that solved anything. Like faith would help him put what happened with his father behind him so that he could start to feel like Dean wasn't going to decide one day that Castiel wasn't worth all of the damage and the baggage that came along with him and leave him for someone else.

"But what came first, Father? The faith or the questions?" Castiel asked desperately, hooking his fingers into the mesh, feeling the thin wire dig into his fingertips painfully.

He heard a slight chuckle come from the other man before light spilled in across the screen, illuminating the profile of the priest as he stepped out. "If you can answer that, son, then you have just solved all of the problems of theology in one existential crisis."

When the door clicked shut, Castiel sat in the darkness of the booth for a moment, more confused that before he had entered the coffin-like space and cursing himself for thinking that this would help when he had never really taken it seriously even before when he still went to church. He exited the confessional and went to sit in one of the pews, still not ready to go home yet.

Cas knew that he needed to call Dean, explain about his father and give the other boy yet another opportunity to call their relationship off because he knew that it was a lot to ask of anyone to deal with his messed up family, but he hoped that his boyfriend would accept the challenge. He gazed at one of the stained glass windows as he thought, hands clasped loosely in front of him and inhaling the scent of Dean that lingered on the other boy's shirt that he was wearing as he tried to muster up his courage.

"She's my favorite saint too," A female voice said beside him, causing Castiel to jump slightly in his seat. "Saint Rita, patron saint of lost causes. Story of my life."

Castiel studied the woman for a moment; she seemed just as frustrated about her life as he was. She was probably a couple of years older than him, her big brown eyes were focused on the stained glass window that he had been facing and a sad, smile tugged at the corners of her mouth, like she couldn't decide if she wanted to laugh or cry about being faced with the image of the long-dead woman before them.

"She wanted to suffer like Christ did," Castiel replied as the woman swept her long brown hair off of her neck in a business life way and tied it up with a band that had been around her wrist. "I could have told her that it wasn't worth it."

"Me too," The woman replied, turning an appraising eye on him. "All the chick wanted to do was be a nun, but her parents just made it so hard for her. Took a thorn in the forehead before she finally made it. Guess we all make sacrifices for the things that we want."

There it was again, another woman talking to him about sacrifice, like he hadn't already given up enough when he left Pontiac and his few friends at Lake Forrest in order to escape his father and Raphael. But that had been more out of self-preservation and less about a genuine sacrifice, like the ones that Gabriel and Anna had made by picking up their lives and moving to another state for him. Like Dean who was putting his relationship with his own father in jeopardy for wanting to be with him.

"How are you supposed to know when you've given up enough?" He asked the other woman who just shrugged and started rummaging around in her purse for something, finally coming up with a tube of lip gloss that she applied in a perfunctory way.

"When you get what you want, I guess. Until then you just keep on going and you find a way to live without the things that you've given up. If you're lucky, the thing you wanted is worth all the trouble it took to get it."

"What are you giving up?"

"The trick is to not focus on what you're losing, blue eyes." The woman said standing up briskly and giving him a cheery, practiced looking smile that couldn't hide the grief he could see in her eyes as she straightened out her brown leather jacket and hooked her purse over her shoulder. "Just think about what you're going to end up with. Happy Thanksgiving."

"Wait," Castiel said clambering to his feet and trailing after the woman as she made her way towards the church's exit. "What's your name?"

"Oh honey," She said shaking her head sadly at him. "That's the first thing that I let go of, my name. You just be sure that what you want is worth it before you start letting go of things."

"He's worth it," Cas breathed coming to a stop next to the Cadillac that Gabriel had let him borrow when he had ran up to his older brother after trying to reach his therapist asking for a ride to a church somewhere.

"Well, then ask Rita for some help and get ready for a whole lot of shit because everything get harder before it gets easier, believe me."

The younger man watched as the woman climbed into her faded Volvo and pulled out of the parking lot carefully, heading away from the residential part of town on the freshly plowed streets. Castiel pulled his jacket tightly around himself and climbed into the car, pulling out his phone and dialing Dean's number as he waited for the old car to warm up.

"Hello? Cas?" He heard Dean's voice say through the phone sounding muffled and miserable.

"Dean, can I come over?" Castiel asked hesitantly, he had been the one to ask to be left alone and now here he was feeling like if he didn't see Dean and kiss him breathless then the world was going to spin off of its axis. "I need to talk to you."

"Of course, swee—Cas ."

His heart sank a little bit when Dean stopped himself from calling Cas sweetheart, it was by far his favorite endearment that the other boy used for him. He liked how Dean's voice would twang in a distinctly southern way just a little bit when he said it and he could almost picture his boyfriend dressed up in a pearl snap shirt and cowboy boots when the pet name was uttered.

"I'll be right there," He said hurriedly, disconnecting the call before he put the car in reverse and headed towards Dean's apartment with a newfound resolve.

* * *

Dean hadn't ever been dumped before so he didn't really know what to do with himself as he waited for Castiel to show up at his apartment. That had to be weird too, right? Cas had like, just told him that he didn't want him around anymore, just a couple of hours ago and now he was coming over to Dean's house for something.

After a couple of minutes spent pacing and chewing his lip, trying to tell himself that begging the other boy to stay with him was not pathetic and it shouldn't make him feel like a girl for seriously considering doing it, Dean's heart sunk as he realized that Cas was probably just coming over to give him back his stuff. His books and his school stuff that had migrated into Castiel's room, getting purposely left or genuinely forgotten anytime he went over to the other boy's house. He hope that Cas would just keep some of it because he didn't know if he would ever be able to look at that AC/DC shirt that the other boy still had after they had spent the night together on Halloween without bursting into very unmanly tears.

He went around the apartment gathering a pretty sizeable pile of Cas's things and for the first time he realized how comfortable he had gotten with the other boy so quickly. They hadn't even been dating a month yet, but it felt like they had always been together because that's how right being with the Cas felt. Dean still couldn't believe that he had managed to screw up something so great so fast. This had to be a new record even for him and god, Jo was going to fucking murder him when she got back from Kansas City.

When he heard a knock on his front door he moved to answer it quickly because, yea his dad was a pretty heavy sleeper, but that didn't mean that he wanted any witnesses for the breakdown he might be about to have.

Cas's cheeks were pink from the cold and he still had on Dean's shirt from the day before which had to be a good sign, right? What kind of person walked around in their ex-boyfriend's clothes? He watched as a frightened look crossed the other boy's face, Dean was trying to think of something besides how much he wanted to kiss Castiel even though the image of the other boy pulling away from his hand in the car kept looping through his head like a clip show of the worst moments of his life.

"Cas—" Dean began somberly before he was shoved back into the apartment, almost falling over from the force of Castiel throwing himself into his arms as hands grasped the back of his neck and strong legs wrapped around his waist.

Chapped lips met his own for a desperate kiss that Dean returned with the enthusiasm of a man in a desert finding an oasis after just having given up hope of survival. He staggered backwards trying to find his balance as he brought his hands down to grab Castiel's thighs so that the other boy wouldn't slide off of him and onto the floor. Dean felt one of the other boy's hands leave his neck and then heard his front door slam loudly from where Cas had reached out to shut it.

Dean smiled into the kiss at the smaller boy's actions even as he spun around to press Castiel firmly against the wall near the doorway and swept his tongue around the other boy's. He groaned when he felt the legs around him tighten as he ran his tongue over the roof of Cas's mouth and the other boy tugged slightly on his hair.

Castiel was the first to pull away, gasping for breath as one of Dean's hand slipped under the Henley to softly touch the scars at the base of his spine, almost like the other boy thought that the marks would still cause him pain if he was too rough. He gasped against Dean's neck as the hand continued tracing his scars, slowly and reverently.

"Why did you do it?" Dean asked, looking into the blue eyes that he loved so much and hoping that this meant that he hadn't screwed things up with Cas.

"I was very sad and confused and lonely," Castiel said kissing at Dean's cheeks softly as the larger boy continued to support his weight against the wall.

"And now?"

"Happy. I'm happy, Dean."

The larger boy smiled and leaned down to press a kiss against the spot on Castiel's chest where he knew the other scar was the one that had never seemed ominous until that morning. "So we aren't breaking up or anything, right?"

"Of course not," Castiel said pulling back sharply, knocking his head a bit on the wall behind him with a wince. "Did you think we were?"

"You told me to leave you alone, sweetheart." Dean admitting nuzzling his nose against the other boy's neck in an effort to reassure Cas.

"I didn't mean forever," his boyfriend sighed, melting into his arms just a little bit and baring more of his neck for Dean.

"Well, I know that now," Dean muttered sarcastically, starting to place sucking kisses down Castiel's neck causing the other boy to groan lowly again.

"What the fuck is all of that noise!?"

Dean felt Castiel's hands freeze and tense from where they were starting to pull his shirt up and the larger boy turned his head very slowly to see John standing in the dark hallway that led back to the bedrooms, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his hands in just a stained white t-shirt and dark red boxers. His dad looked at Dean with a bleary frown on his face as he ran a hand through his disheveled hair.

"I'm trying to fucking sleep, Dean. Can you keep it down?" John asked sounding like a huffy child who had just been told they couldn't have ice cream until they finished their brussel sprouts. "Take your horse-playing somewhere else, shit."

John turned to go back to his room, muttering to himself about not getting the goddamn respect he deserved anymore and Dean held his breath until he heard the door shut firmly behind his father. He looked at Cas, who had an expression of abject terror on his face, before both of them burst out laughing with Dean dropping the other boy's legs only to keep him from falling as they pressed close so they could cling to each other, the adrenaline coursing through them at almost having been caught.

"We'll I guess we know where you got your cluelessness from," Castiel said teasingly, snatching Dean's jacket off of the hook across the hall from them and holding it out invitingly.

"I think we need some pie," Dean said wrapping and arm around the smaller boy's waist and hauling him in for another kiss. "And then you're going to tell me everything."

Castiel hesitated for a moment before nodding, "And then we can make snow angels."

"Really?! You're the best boyfriend," Dean said rushing them out the door before Castiel could change his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More fluffiness next chapter, I promise. My brain just couldn't work anymore, I blame a mixture of too much caffeine and too little sleep. Anyway all the comments are awesome!!!! seriously, i love you guys


	19. Last Word

The conversation got away from Dean almost as soon as they got back to the Novak house, him driving behind Cas in the Impala so that his boyfriend could get the Cadillac back to Gabe before the older man freaked out. They failed to follow through with their plans of pie first, snow later mostly because as soon as Dean got out of his car Cas jumped him again, knocking him back hard onto the snow covered lawn and shoving a handful of flaky powder in the larger boy's face.

Dean had sputtered and coughed and tried to fight back, but Cas was really strong and his eyes were sparkling with laughter in a way that was completely different from how hardened and absent they had looked earlier that day when his boyfriend had been trying to run away from another conversation that he didn't want to have.

The first time that the other boy kissed him in the snow, straddling his hips and sliding a hand up to smush more of the icy coldness into his hair as the cold winter sunlight framed his head above Dean like a halo well, he would've been content to stay there forever. Even though the snow was melting underneath him and seeping through his clothes as they kissed lazily in front of the Novak house, causing him to shiver as the chilly water reached his skin.

"Cas, babe," Dean protested as the smaller boy sat up and laid Dean's arms out to his sides, frowning to himself before he squirmed in the larger boy's lap and made an impatient 'get on with it' gesture with his hands. "We need to talk; you're going to tell me what happened."

The other boy's face darkened for a second before he sighed and ran a hand over his face, "We will Dean, but just do this for me first."

"And what exactly am I doing?" Dean asked glancing over to where Cas had laid his arms out straight at his sides.

"Dean, you're the one who is obsessed with snow angels so I had assumed that you would know how to make one."

He smiled up at the beautiful boy above him and quickly started moving his arms up and down at his sides as Cas supervised with an overly serious look on his face and trying to do the leg part the best he could with the other boy still sitting astride him. When he finished, Castiel nodded in approval and put a steadying hand on Dean's chest so that he could get up without disturbing the snow around them.

Cas put out his hands to help Dean back up and dusted the snow out of the larger boy's hair once he had clambered awkwardly to his feet so that they could survey their handiwork from the edge of the sidewalk.

"It looks like I have a really big butt," Dean said sourly, pointing out where the hips of his angel looked disproportionately wide from where Castiel's legs had intended the snow when he had been sitting on him.

"You have a fantastic butt," Castiel replied lowly, patting the wet material on the back of Dean's jeans in a teasing way.

Dean hummed contentedly and leaned into the other boy so that he could press another kiss to Cas's lips and try to avoid being serious for just a little while longer as they enjoyed the freshly fallen snow and each other before they had to go back to school for a couple more weeks, deal with finals and Castiel's last minute projects that he had been stressing over for his advanced classes before they were free for winter break.

"Why does your angel have such a big ass?" Gabriel called from the porch, wrapping a scarf around his neck as Sam bundled out the front door of the house with Anna fussing over the younger Winchester, throwing a pair of gloves in his direction before she made a face at the cold and rushed back inside. "Maybe you should lay off the pie,Dean."

"See!" Dean said petulantly, throwing a middle finger vaguely in Gabriel's direction and burying his face in Castiel's neck. "Tell the bad man he's wrong. Tell him I have a great butt."

"You do that on purpose," Cas grumbled to his older brother who had dragged Sam out into the yard where they were kneeling and starting a snowman, pausing every now and then to fling a handful of snow at each other.

"I do a lot of things on purpose, Cas." Gabriel said eyeing a clump of snow in a scientific way before promptly diving over and shoving it down the back of Sam's shirt. The younger boy shrieked and batted the other man away, standing up quickly to try to shake the icy slush out of his clothing. "That for instance, I did that on purpose."

"You are going to get it, Gabs." Sam gasped casting about in the front yard for something that he could use against the other man before just giving up and tackling Gabriel to the ground, pinning the smaller man's arms to his sides. "Guys, a little help here?"

Dean's shot away from Castiel and the smaller boy instantly missed the warmth of his boyfriend as he tugged his coat tighter around himself, watching as the two Winchesters assaulted his older brother with snow shoved in his face until Gabriel was crying uncle and squirming underneath Sam trying to get away.

"Moose! I thought you loved me! Cas, save me!" Gabriel called piteously as Dean trundled to his feet with a self-satisfied smile on his face, dusting the snow off of his hands and patting his younger brother on the back as he grabbed Castiel's hand to drag him into the warm house.

"Pie time," Dean declared happily, grabbing onto the front of the smaller boy's coat and pressing a chilly kiss to his forehead.

* * *

"Dean," Castiel asked nervously as the other boy pulled the green Henley over his head. "Is this really necessary?"

The larger boy took a step back, holding loosely onto Cas's hands as Dean's green eyes raked over his chest, pausing on the scar above his heart, a frown creasing his brow before he leaned forward and pressed a soft chaste kiss on the mark.

It wasn't the kind of kiss that made Castiel want to rip his boyfriend's clothes off and let the other boy completely take him until they were both sweaty and sated, gasping each others names like they were the most precious words ever spoken. No, this kind of kiss made him feel that fluttering in his chest that had started happening anytime he thought about the words 'love' and 'Dean' and 'forever' being used in the same sentence.

"Yes," Dean said challengingly, locking eyes with Castiel for a moment before gently turning him around by his hips and pushing him down on his stomach onto his bed. "Just talk, Cas. I'm listening."

Cas laid on the bed, trying to will his tense muscles to uncoil because this was Dean and he trusted that the other boy wasn't going to hurt him, his boyfriend had never had anything but his best interests at heart. So he deserved to know, about everything that had happened after Daniel and he knew that Dean wouldn't use the information against him or try to hurt him with it because they loved each other, probably, he was pretty sure Dean loved him.

They had only turned on the lamp that was on his bedside table and his dark, heavy curtains blocked out most of the fading afternoon light that was reflecting off of the snow outside, but still he could see Dean's shadow as the other boy climbed onto the bed, straddling his upper thighs before he felt a soft brush of fingers on his neck. Cas buried his face in his arms and focused on how he was breathing so that he wouldn't start having a panic attack once the words finally worked their way out.

Dean's strong hands moved over his back, the calluses he had from working on cars at Bobby's shop rasped against his skin, catching as they brushed over the slightly raised marks that he had put on his back earlier that year. He melted into the bed, letting the calming touch wash over him and give him the strength that he needed to talk about his dad.

Castiel let out a shaky breath and clenched his fists in the sheets under his hands.

"Do you know anything about the Catholic Church, Dean?"

"My mom was the church person in my family," Dean murmured above him.

"Well my whole family was a church person," Cas said sarcastically. "My uncle Zach is a deacon at the church that my farther presides over, my oldest brother, Raphael is going to seminary school or at least he was before we moved, and all of my aunts and cousins clean the church and decorate for holidays. The church was like my second home and until I got old enough to understand how much they disapproved of my lifestyle, I really enjoyed it."

"How is your dad a priest, Cas? I thought that they were supposed to be celibate or something."

"Well, after my mom died, I told you my dad changed. According to Gabriel he used to be a lot more laid back about the church and God, he would even skip mass some Sundays if there was a team playing that he wanted to watch, but after…he went looking for answers. A reason why he had lost her, he was angry for a really long time until my uncle got him to go back to church.

He grabbed on to the doctrine like it was a life-preserver and that was the version of my father that I knew the best. The one who made us go to every mass, confess and ask for penance when we did something that he thought that God didn't agree with. His God was a lot darker than mine, a lot less understanding of the fact that by giving his creations the ability to choose that he was also giving them the opportunity to choose wrong. To make mistakes and learn from them and live their lives so they could love and worship like they wanted to without having to be afraid that God wouldn't forgive them."

"I thought you didn't believe in god, babe." Dean said, trailing fingers across the tops of his shoulder blades where the scars started before he felt the larger boy lean down and press a kiss to the marks.

"I believe there's something," Cas explained. "I just don't know how good they are at listening when we ask for help. Are you going to keep interrupting me?"

"Probably," the other boy replied, his lips moving slowly and softly across his back. "I don't really understand what this all has to do with you hurting yourself."

"I'm getting there." The smaller boy grumbled, exhaling heavily into the cavern of his arms. "So I told you about everything that happened with Daniel, about how before that no one really knew that I was gay. Afterwards, there wasn't really a way of keeping it a secret anymore. All of the rugby players trashed my room and carved some stuff into my door that spelled the whole thing out for the world to see. Everyone knew. Everyone at school and the entire faculty.

They took me to the hospital, the nurse said that I needed x-rays for my ribs and I was having a hard time staying conscious because of hitting my head. I remember there being a lot of blood, most of it was mine, but I'm pretty sure I got one of those assholes before they ganged up on me. Maybe broke his nose or something."

"There's my badass boyfriend." Dean said smugly, pulling back and continuing his tracing of the overlapping scars. Castiel imagined that the story was already there, written out like Braille that Dean was trying to read with his lips and his fingertips.

"Yea well, no one is really badass when they're trapped in a hospital bed, darling. The doctors in Chicago pumped me so full of painkillers for my ribs that I didn't know which way was up. The school called my dad, who showed up with Raphael to get me and they wanted to call the police to, start an investigation into the whole thing so they could find out exactly who had pushed me down the stairs, but my father told them that he didn't want to press charges against anyone for doing God's work.

I guess I should've known then that something bad was about to happen, but it was my dad and he said stuff like that all of the time. He was always blustering on about the righteous fury of the lord and how he wished that he could get all of the sinners to open their eyes to their vile ways so that the world would be a better place. He said once that if he could gather up all of the evil people and lock them away somewhere then there would be no war or famine or sadness. I used to think that it was a nice sentiment, him wanting peace on earth, but I know now that's not how he meant it."

His chest was starting to get tight and even though Dean's caresses were keeping the worst of the tremors away be could still feel the muscles in his arms twitching like they had from exhaustion when the scourge had just felt like it weighed a million pounds. Castiel felt like he needed to move, stretch, run do something to release the tension that he was feeling, but he didn't want Dean to get mad at him again and think that he was avoiding telling him the truth, because he really did want to talk about this. He finally felt like he was ready to give up this burden to someone else, share the weight of it so that it wouldn't continue to crush him, and he wanted it to be Dean.

"We can take a break, sweetheart." His boyfriend said softly, leaning down near his ear so that his t-shirt covered chest was against Castiel's back and pressing a kiss into his temple. "You don't have to tell me everything today. I don't want you to get upset, we'll get there. We have time."

"We do?" Castiel asked turning his head out of his arms so that he could see the other boy's face.

"Babe, we have all the time in the world." Dean replied with a smile.

* * *

"What did you two get up to over the holiday?" Jo asked innocently in class on Monday, gesturing between Cas and Dean who were sitting close together in study hall, the smaller boy's arm flung casually over the back of Dean's chair and the larger boy's hand that lay between them somewhere where she couldn't see it under the table they were sitting at.

Dean and Sam had come over for dinner at the Harvelle house on Sunday night after Ellen insisting that she still had way too much pie left at her house for the younger girl and her to eat by themselves, both boys had been smiling and happy in that way that Jo had come to recognize from seeing the expression on Dean's face so often, the look that meant that they were probably getting laid and regularly.

The last time Sam had looked like that it had just been for the short week that he had been dating that mouthy brunette girl, Ruby, his freshman year and Jo had tried to be supportive, but Gabe was a whole lot more fun than the broody girl had been and Dean liked the other man, in that roundabout protective way that he had of showing it so Jo was pretty sure he hadn't walked in on his younger brother smoking weed like he had with Sam's ex. And Dean, well he looked like that after every party all smug and cocky, but now with Cas it was underlain with something else, a lightness she had never seen in her friend's face until recently.

Both boys glanced at each other, doing that silent conversation thing that the whole gang agreed was so disgustingly adorable and annoying. Dean broke first, shaking his head at Castiel and blushing when the other boy leaned in to whisper something in his ear that Jo couldn't hear. The larger boy shifted awkwardly in his seat, his eyes darting up to Jo for a second before he licked his lips and jumped up from the table, his chair squeaking loudly on the tiled floor as Dean rushed away into the rows of books that ran along the library walls.

"What is his problem?" Jo asked earning a shrug from Castiel in return. "Whatever, did you have a good birthday, Cas?"

"I believe that good is probably the most appropriate way to describe it, yes." Castiel replied cryptically, a smiling tugging at the corners of his mouth. "Did you enjoy your time with Adam's family?"

The blonde made a face, tossing her hair over her shoulder and drumming her fingers on the table in an agitated way as she thought about Michael breathing down her neck all weekend about Dean and Cas, asking if the pair were still together and trying to get her to give his phone number to the both of them. The rest of her boyfriend's family were only slightly better, she could only compare them to ghouls instead of creepy, skin crawling weirdos, which she couldn't say about Adam's cousin.

"Not really, but we tried to make the best of it. We went to this cool old drive-in and watched _It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown._ The concession stand was selling cider and s'mroes, it was nice."

Dean rushed back up to the table, dropping a large, faded copy of Merriam-Webster's dictionary in front of Cas and ignoring the dirty look that the librarian gave him over the romance novel that she was reading for being so loud. He had a proud look on his face and sat down, opening the dictionary quickly and rifling through the pages until he found what he was looking for. Jo and Castiel watched as he ran his finger over the definition he had found, his green eyes widening slightly as a blush crept up his neck.

"Frottage, Cas?" Dean hissed at the smaller boy who just grinned serenely in response. "We're really just going to start bringing our personal business up in public now? It's bad enough that Bobby knows all about it."

"Darling, if you didn't know what it meant, and you read a lot then I highly doubt your average high schooler is going to bother with breaking out the Webster's like you have." Castiel replied with a dismissive wave of his hand.

"Oh my god!" Jo finally managed to snort out, covering her mouth and looking apologetically at the librarian so that she wouldn't come over to reprimand them and hear what the two boys were talking about. "You two are totally boning!"

"No!" Dean said quickly, looking over at Castiel who was just sitting there with a pleased expression on his face for finally having made the larger boy embarrassed about something for once. "Not boning! Just...wait how do you even know what that is anyway, Jo?!"

"It's French, moron." Jo said pointing at the spot that Dean's hand had moved to cover in the open dictionary. "Cas, Garth, and I we speak it, Dean. Well, pretty much and Pam has had us translate some um...realistic poetry in class. If you're so embarrassed about it, I suggest you don't bring it up in front of Becky either, she's the one who told me what it meant in the first place."

"I'm not embarrassed," Dean snapped. "I just don't want the whole school discussing mine and Cas's bedroom escapades."

"Dean, most of the student body is already well aware of what you get up to with the people you date," the smaller boy said in a resigned kind of way.

"Cas, I'm doing this for you. You get all twitchy anytime I try to kiss you in front of other people and now all of a sudden you want to go dropping fancy words for sex around like its no big deal, what gives?"

"Well, maybe I'm willing to give up some privacy if it means that I get to kiss you whenever I want," Castiel said lowly, leaning in Dean's space until the larger boy caved and let Cas wipe the frown off of his face in the best way possible.

"Blech," Jo said waving her hands at the two boys until they parted with a soft suctioning sound. Several other students at a nearby table were looking at the two boys with expressions that ranged from horror to interest and all of the emotions in between. "Yes, we're all very happy that Cas has finally decided to grow a pair, but honey maybe keep your bragging about sleeping with the most sought after boy at school between just the two of you."

"I'm not going to hide, Jo." Castiel said sternly, grabbing Dean's hand and shooting a menacing look at the table nearest them that made the other students duck their heads back down over the various essays and assignments that they were supposed to be working on. "I've given up a lot to get to this point and I'm done taking shit from people about who I want to be with."

Dean pressed his face close to the smaller boy's jaw, murmuring softly in a way that Jo was pretty sure she wasn't meant to hear, "You're so sexy when you're full of righteous indignation, sweetheart."

Jo put her hands up in defense and sat back in her seat. "Cas, honey. You know we're all on your side right? I want you two to get down and do the nasty as much as anyone, probably not more than Becky, but hey as long as you're happy I'll kick anyone's ass who tries to say something to you two."

She watched as Cas and Dean went back to giggling and talking softly as they looked up curse words in the dictionary. Pretty much acting like the morons that she knew them to be looking happy as they held hands on top of the table for the world to see. The student body at Lawrence High wasn't known for being intolerant, but the last couple to come out of the closet had been when Jo and Dean were freshmen and the hate speech that had been carved into the two girls lockers had caused PFLAG to come rushing to their aid when the administration did nothing to punish the vandals, threatening discrimination lawsuits if the boys who did it weren't expelled.

"Since both of you are out and proud now," She began ignoring the cough of 'faggots' that came from somewhere else in the room as the two boys looked up at her. Castiel glanced around the room with a murderous expression only to ruin the whole intimidating effect he was going for by sticking his tongue out at Alistair and Azazel who were sitting several tables away, snickering to themselves. "I guess you're coming with the rest of us to the winter ball."

"Fuck yes we are," Dean said at the same time that Castiel replied "No way in hell."

"Oh shit," Jo muttered looking between the two boys were were having a heated staring contest that if the stubborn set of Dean's jaw and the way that Cas's lips were pursed in frustration was anything to go by, wasn't going to end anytime soon.

When the bell rang, they were still staring and Jo still hadn't finished her essay on the French monarchy so she dragged Cas away to Pam's class after the other boy dropped a dry, tense kiss on Dean's cheek before they parted company.

* * *

"We are going," Dean said angrily, catching Castiel putting the last of his books away before gym class on Friday.

His boyfriend let out a tired sigh and ran his hand over his face, the tie for his dress uniform was crooked and his shirt was untucked and wrinkled from where he had been wearing it all day. Dean felt slightly bad for bringing the dance thing up again, but why the fuck had Cas even bothered signing that fucking petition if he didn't want to go to the dance?

They had been arguing about it all week and it had really been putting a damper on their cuddling and make out time when they weren't too busy slapping together any assignments that were due before school let out for the winter break next week. Dean hadn't really seen the point going back for just two weeks after Thanksgiving, but it was just how the school had always maneuvered the holidays and even though he wrote his government paper over the fascist regime of sadistic public school faculty members who teased them with almost a whole week off for Thanksgiving just to slam them with finals and deadlines for two weeks before setting them free again he hadn't really put too much effort into it so Dean didn't think he'd be changing any minds anytime soon.

"I don't want to go, Dean. I don't like dances and everyone is going to stare at us," Cas began the now familiar argument that just made the larger boy roll his eyes because the excuses were lame and he had heard them, evolved his pleas for the other boy to go with him around them, and waited for his boyfriend to make up new ones which he hadn't yet. "Can't we just hang out at my house or something? I'll watch Star Wars."

"You're going to watch Star Wars anyway, that's not something you can use as a bargaining chip, babe." Dean replied tersely.

Castiel bit his lip and looked down the hallways before taking another step closer to Dean and running his fingers lightly along the edge of Dean's open flannel shirt that he was wearing over a grey t-shirt. The smaller boy's voice dropped in that way that made Dean's blood start flowing south and he looked up at the other boy under his eyelashes, the blue darkening slightly as his leaned in to whisper to Dean.

"We can not watch Star Wars and do...other things."

Dean groaned low at the back of his throat, his eyes shutting involuntarily as he thought of all of the other things that they could be doing instead of dressing up in monkey suits and dancing to bad pop songs that neither of them liked.

"That's not fair, Cas." Dean said softly, as the other boy's hand worked its way inside his flannel and down his side to rest on his waist, fisting the material of his shirt and tugging him even closer until all the larger boy could see and feel and smell was the other boy and fuck, they hadn't done much more than kiss and grind against each other all week because they were too busy or kept getting interrupted and his fantasies in the shower were just not cutting it anymore now that he knew what Cas felt like naked and pressed against him for real.

"I never said I would play fair, Dean." Castiel replied licking his lips and tugging suddenly on Dean's hand, leading him down the hallway with determined strides as the bell rang and the other students rushed off to their last classes of the day.

They fell into Pam's empty, dark classroom that felt eerily silent without the soft French music the teacher usually had on playing in the background, Castiel firmly attached to Dean's neck as the smaller boy began to bite and suck in all of the spots that Dean liked best.

"Cas, you've lost your mind. Someone is going to catch us," Dean moaned fumbling behind him to shut the door, thumbing the button for the lock without realizing it right away.

"Don't care," Cas muttered against his skin, sliding his hand up and under Dean's shirt in one smooth motion that made him gasp when the smaller boy raked his nails lightly over his chest and across his nipples. "Need you."

"What if Pam comes back?" Dean asked trying to shake off the haze of lust that was starting to crowd out his higher functions, he just loved it when the other boy got a little rough and his voice got all needy and demanding.

"She always leaves after her last class of the day. If we're quiet no one will hear us."

He felt the other boy's thigh slide in between his own, pressing against the erection that was already straining against the zipper of his jeans and putting Dean in a position where he could feel how hard Cas was too. The larger boy rolled his hips down on to his boyfriend's leg, biting his lip hard to hold back the groan that was not going to go unheard if it made its way out of his throat.

Dean felt Cas's hands fumbling with his belt and the fastenings on his jeans and it took everything that he had to reach out and grab the other boy's wrists so that he could stop this before it went too far. Pam's classroom was right in the middle of the hallway and Dean knew that there were full classes going on on either side of them and as much as he wanted this he also wanted to take Cas to that fucking dance and if his boyfriend was just trying to buy him off with sex then the other boy was going to be severely disappointed.

"What exactly were you planning on doing, babe?" Dean said taking a deep breath and willing himself to calm down even though he could feel Castiel pressed into his hip and it was hot as hell, the whole possibility of them almost getting caught.

"I thought I would give you a blow job, Dean."

Dean felt his dick twitch as the image of Cas kneeling in front of him, chapped pink lips wrapped tight around him as he thrust shallowly into the wet heat of the other boy's mouth floated unbidden through his mind, making him whimper because he had been thinking about how that would feel since the first time he had jerked off after waking up with raging hard on for the other boy only a couple of day's after Jo's birthday party. Back then he had felt like he was doing something wrong by putting Castiel in a position that would never ever happen, but now that Cas was his it was something he had really been looking forward to.

He cleared his throat as Cas smirked triumphantly at him, straining against the grasp that Dean had on his wrists so that he could continue on with something the larger boy so obviously was interested in.

"No offense, Cas, but I don't think your first attempt at a blow job is going to be enough to get you out of going to that dance."

A hurt look crossed the smaller boy's face and he abruptly stepped away from Dean, shaking off his hands so that he could wrap his arms around himself.

"I forget that the bar has been set pretty high for that kind of thing." Cas said bitterly. "You're right, I probably wouldn't be good at it."

"Baby," Dean said reaching out to pull the smaller boy back once he realized how what he had just said sounded to his less experienced boyfriend. "It's not that I don't think it wouldn't feel good, fuck do you know how much I think about doing stuff like that with you? I just don't think you understand how much I want you to go to that stupid dance with me. I want it more than sex, Cas. And I don't want a lot of things more than that."

"So, you want me to go to the dance that bad, huh?" Cas asked his eyes sparking with something that made the heat pool low in Dean's stomach. The other boy's voice dropped to a growl as he pulled on Dean's shirt so that the larger boy had Cas pressed up tight against the wall, their breath mingling when his boyfriend pulled him down for an urgent kiss.

"I want you to go with me, Cas." Dean panted, his hands settling on the smaller boy's hips, thumbs brushing against the sharp angles of Castiel's hipbones underneath his untucked shirt. "You know I want you to."

"Show me," Castiel demanded in a rough voice, pushing on Dean's shoulders.

Dean swallowed thickly as the order made his cock go right back to how hard it had been before the other boy had tried to pull away from him, harder when he remembered that Cas was wearing his ROTC uniform and could probably kick his ass if he really wanted to. It was just so fucking hot and his hands immediately went to pulling the other boy's clothes off so that he could touch Cas and prove to him that he wanted to do everything with him, take him to dances, show everyone how much he loved him, spend the rest of his fucking life with him if Cas wanted him to.

He got a hand in Castiel's boxers and started stroking him, feeling the other boy's fingers clench on his shoulders and in his hair as he kissed his boyfriend's jaw and tried to figure out a way they could do this without making a huge fucking mess that would give them away.

"Dean," his boyfriend growled, pulling harder on his hair than he normally would in order to get the larger boy to look up at him. "I want you to show me...how...so it's good when I do it."

"Oh!" Dean breathed, his hand stilling awkwardly between them. " _Show you._ Cas, you know I've never- "

"But you've had other people do it to you," Castiel said desperately, biting his lip and blushing. "You know what to do, sort of. So just show me what you like, unless...you don't want to?"

Dean frowned taking a second to switch the roles in his mind and surprising himself with how much the thought of having Castiel dominating him turned him on, and god help him he did really like how the other boy looked in that uniform.

"No, I uh...I want to, Cas." Dean croaked out, his cock throbbing painfully in the the tight confines of his jeans.

The other boy pushed on his shoulders, watching with pupils blown wide with lust, the blue of his irises just a dark navy ring that Dean could barely make out in the dim classroom as he slowly dropped to his knees.

"Just uh...okay," Dean said pulling on the elastic waistband of Castiel's boxers until his boyfriend's hard length sprung free, startling him back a bit when it bobbed up to almost hit him in the face.

He wrapped a hand around the other boy's cock, giving it an experimental stroke and watching wide-eyed from this unfamiliar vantage point how Castiel arched into his touch, moaning lowly in a way that had Dean reaching up his other hand to cover the smaller boy's mouth. Dean could do this, had been doing this, touching Castiel and letting the other boy touch him, but it was different now that he could see up close how his boyfriend's cock was leaking precome from its reddened tip, how the vein that ran the length of Cas's erection seemed to pulse under his fingers. He could feel the heat of the smaller boy's arousal washing over him, smell that musky minty scent that always lingered on his skin after he spent the night with Castiel and being this close, knowing what Cas wanted him to do had his gut clenching and his mouth watering.

"Okay," He muttered shakily, more to himself than Castiel. "You can do this, its just a dick. A dick going in your mouth. It doesn't make you a six."

"Dean," Cas said softly, turning his face so that the hand over his mouth rested on his neck instead and he could look down at the larger boy. "You don't have to, I'll go to the dance okay? I don't want you to do this if it makes you uncomfortable."

"Babe, I hate to break it to you," Dean said defiantly holding Castiel's gaze with his own as he leaned forward to run the tip of his tongue down the other boy's length, earning a shuddering gasp from his boyfriend. "But you were always going to go to that dance. You never had a choice."

"Then why are you..?" Castiel asked finding his voice when the larger boy moved back to look down at where Cas's hips were moving into the slick tightness of Dean's hand, almost against his will, but it just felt so good and Dean's perfect filthy mouth was right there and all he wanted to do was feel it on him so why the fuck was he still talking and not doing something more assertive right now?

"Because I want to, because you're hot as hell when you come, because I like how your voice gets all deep when you moan my name, because I'm giving you a preview of what will happen after the dance once I get you out of your tux," Dean murmured, running his lips down Castiel's cock as he spoke until he could mouth along the sharp jut of his boyfriend's hipbone. "Take your pick."

"Fuck!" the smaller boy cursed softly as Dean's hand left his neck to run down his chest and firmly gasp the hip opposite the one he was leaving stinging, bruising kisses on, stilling the way he was thrusting into the air between them in an effort to find something, anything to ease the pressure on his cock.

"Patience," Dean chuckled, moving back to stroking the other boy, keeping a hand on his hip so that he felt like he had a little bit more control over what he he was about to do.

Castiel just moaned and ran a hand through his hair in a soothing way before pushing hard on the back of his head, urging him to get on with what they both, if Dean's own leaking, confined erection was anything to go by, wanted so desperately. That little bit of dominance was all that it took for the last bit of hesitance that Dean had to disappear and he thought about resisting a little bit to see if Cas would get more rough with him, something he didn't think he would mind very much, but god feeling the velvet hardness of the other boy against his lips already had him wanting so many other things, but he needed to do this first before he got too ahead of himself.

Dean licked his lips one last time before taking a deep breath and guiding the glistening head of Castiel's cock into his mouth, he had to adjust to the taste, the salty bitter almond flavor that was different from how his own come tasted when he had let girls kiss him after they finished going down on him. He wasn't surprised to find that he enjoyed it, just knowing that this was what Cas tasted like when he was turned on and that no one else knew but him, had Dean bobbing his head eagerly on the other boy's hardness and moaning a bit to himself.

Dean had to check himself the first time that Castiel gasped when his bottom teeth unintentionally scraped along the underside of the smaller boy's cock, in Dean's experience teeth weren't good, they weren't always bad either, but he knew that he was not being exactly gentle with his boyfriend because he was hard too and it was difficult to focus on every little thing that his mouth was doing when he just wanted to moan and jerk off and let Cas thrust into his mouth. He was scared of choking though, of gagging on Castiel's dick and making this whole thing decidedly less sexy. His boyfriend may be shorter than him and look slender under those unassuming cardigans that he liked to wear, but he was not small in the areas that counted.

He felt Castiel's fingers clenching in his hair as he worked his way down the other boy's shaft, taking in a little more of the other boy's heated flesh with each pass. What he couldn't work into his mouth, he stroked with his hand, letting his tongue do most of the work as it teased over the slit of Cas's dick, flattening it out so that it rasped along the other boy's frenulum and oh, fuck his boyfriend really seemed to like that because Cas jerked forward into Dean's mouth and murmured encouragement in that throaty, authoritative growl that made the larger boy moan around the cock in his mouth.

"Don't stop, Dean." Castiel ordered. "That feels so good, you're so good at this."

Dean let go of Cas's hip in order to palm his aching erection through his jeans and the smaller boy took full advantage of his new found freedom by arching his back forward into the other boy's caresses, causing his dick to hit the back of Dean's throat, making him panic slightly and try to pull away from his boyfriend only to feel the grip on his hair tighten as Castiel let him come up gasping for air.

"Calm down, darling" Cas murmured soothingly, trailing a finger down Dean's jaw and running it over his tingling lips which felt bruised and puffy under the other boy's touch. "You're doing great, just...let me...I'm going to show you how fast to go."

"Cas, I don't think I can-" Dean began because he didn't think he could handle deep throating the other boy. He prided himself on his sexual prowess, but everything he was doing with Castiel was new and different and that for sure was something that he was going to have to work himself up to before he was any good at it.

"Dean!" Castiel snapped, his voice becoming hard and commanding. "I'm not asking you to think, I'm telling you to let me think for you."

Dean moaned when he felt himself responding to the other boy's tone, this was what he had always pictured Castiel acting like when he was in those ROTC meetings, all alpha-male and in charge and powerful. The smaller boy pushed his head back down to take in his cock, not letting up on the pressure that he put on the back of Dean's head until the larger boy let out a muffled gasp.

Dean squeezed himself through his jeans as Cas started moving slowly in and out of his mouth, setting a sedate, but steady pace that allowed the larger boy to twine his tongue fluidly over the length as it filled him and stretched his lips, pushing softly at the back of his throat enough so that he noticed it, but not enough to make him choke like he was scared of doing.

Castiel huffed and groaned softly above him, biting his lip when Dean looked up at him under his eyelashes as sweat started to bead on his forehead, running down his neck in rivulets that Dean wanted to lick off so that he could categorize it as another flavor of Castiel, another taste that no one else would know but him. He moaned when he thought about running his mouth over every inch of the other boy, parts of the human body that he had never been interested in before he thought of them attached to Castiel.

"Do you like this?" The smaller boy ground out deeply, picking up the pace of his thrusting so that Dean had to put a hand on the wall next to Castiel's hips in order to keep himself steady. "Does it turn you on, Dean? Me doing this to you. Uhhh, god. Me fu—fucking your mouth?"

Dean groaned and tried to keep up with Castiel, swallowing the saliva that had built up in his mouth and finding a new thing that Cas liked when his cheeks hollowed out and the suction of his swallowing was felt by the other boy. He did it again, reveling in the way that the other boy who only cursed when his emotions got away from him, let out a string of swears that would put the surliest of sailors to shame.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Dean! Shit! Oh my god, your mouth feels like heaven, fuck!"

It was too much, the way that Cas's nails were digging slightly into his scalp and the heavy, hot weight of how his boyfriend's cock felt in his mouth, the taste, the smell. All of it was making Dean pretty sure that he was going to come in his pants and at the very least he had to make it out of the building with some of his dignity intact. If anyone saw them leaving the classroom once this was over he was fairly certain that they would know what they had been up to, but he didn't need a massive come stain on his jeans to give them away when they might still have a chance of getting away with this.

So he sat up on his knees, working open the buttons and the zipper as well as he could one handed so that he could take his own achingly hard cock into his hand and start to stroke himself as Cas snapped his hips forwards with a possessive growl.

"I didn't say you could touch yourself, Dean." Castiel moaned with a little huff that was probably meant to be a laugh when Dean responded by grazing his teeth along the other boy's length again.

The smaller boy thrust his hips forward again, hard. Tugging on Dean's hair until he opened his eyes from where they had fluttered shut as the sensation of his stroking hand coupled with the movement of the other boy in his mouth overwhelmed him."Okay, fine. But next time, you wait. You'll wait until I say you can."

Dean let his eyes fall shut again and moaned at the way Cas was still bossing him around, even when his boyfriend was on the edge of coming, he still managed to use that deep voice in ways that made Dean's head spin. His hand flew over his own cock, which was already wet and still leaking precome as he rapidly approached the point of no return. Dean twisted his wrist and curled his tongue, wishing that his hands were softer, his fingers longer more like Cas's as he moaned his way through his orgasm around the other boy who's own dick started pulsing and throbbing in his mouth once Cas realized that Dean was coming with a muffled shout as he covered his own mouth so that he wouldn't be heard moaning Dean's name.

Dean debated for just a moment about spitting out the other boy's come, but as it flooded into his mouth, trickling down his throat thickly even as his own semen started to cool rapidly on the floor and wall in front of him he just decided that he had already done this much, he couldn't get much gayer so he might as well swallow. It would be one less mess to clean up after everything was said and done.

He got most of it, feeling some trickle out of the corner of his mouth as he let the other boy's softening cock be pulled from his mouth by Cas who was leaning heavily against the wall behind him, breathing heavily into the hand that wasn't stroking Dean's hair and looking thoroughly disheveled in his rumpled, sweaty ROTC uniform.

Castiel looked down at him, blue eyes glazed over and a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth when he brought his hand down out of Dean's hair to brush away the whitish stream of come with his thumb, softly pushing it against the larger boy's lower lip to be sucked off with Dean just quirking a mischievous eyebrow at him.

"I think you should skip your meeting,babe." Dean suggested tucking himself back into his jeans before clambering to his feet, only wincing slightly at the ache in his knees as Castiel did the same.

"Yea," Castiel said smiling softly to himself, suddenly shy as he ran a hand over the back of his neck. "I probably wouldn't pass inspection in a million years.

"That," Dean replied, leaning in to kiss the other boy even though his own lips pulsed tenderly when they brushed Castiel's. "And we have to go rent some tuxes before they're all gone. C'mon."

Castiel groaned and allowed himself to be pulled out of the classroom by Dean who looked entirely too satisfied with himself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, fluff and stuff! Yay! Thanks for everyone who is sticking with me, commenting, and generally showering me with lovely feels. Feel free to look me up on tumblr:deathsteelwriter...I may be starting something else soon because I def have been inspired recently.
> 
> Also! Fun Fact: I almost named this chapter Star Wars Hips because I was listening to Lifter Puller as wrote this, but that song is so not anything like the chapter so I didn't, just some trivia. All of the chapters are named after songs.
> 
> Also! That frottage conversation is based on one I had back in high school with one of my friends when I still wrote MCR/The Used fanfiction that never got finished because I had a life back then, unlike now. Hilarious awkward conversations in real life, courtesy of me.


	20. High School Never Ends

"Listen up you, you little hormonal little pricks." Pam said angrily, striding into her Monday morning homeroom late and slamming her purse down on her desk. "I have a little personal announcement to make this morning."

She surveyed the startled students and tried unsuccessfully to reign in her anger at having been pulled into her boss's office first thing this morning while she was checking her mailbox in the administration building only to be lectured like some prepubescent teenager who couldn't keep it in their pants. Pam had been gently reminded that while her relationship with her fellow instructor wasn't something the school board frowned on, they preferred for her and the Spanish teacher to keep their personal life from bleeding into their professional life.

When she had replied with confusion, no one had even seen her and Virgil speaking to each other since that one time they had been caught kissing at the beginning of their relationship several months earlier by Chuck in the faculty break room and even then the other teacher had just shrugged and kept scrounging around for a bottle of whiskey that he had stashed somewhere in the room, Naomi had informed her that the custodial staff had found some "evidence" that something had happened in her classroom sometime on Friday after her last class and Virgil's ROTC meeting let out.

Pam had just narrowed her eyes shrewdly at the principal and asked what kind of evidence the administration thought they had on her. The other woman's response had been short, disdainful, and made Pam's blood boil when she thought of someone, one of her students probably being the one to get lucky in her classroom before she and Virgil could. They had already taken care of his classroom, rattling the framed medals and knives that he had on the walls above his desk on a Tuesday when they had been working late and gotten into an argument where they had both been yelling at each other in different languages before the other man had just grabbed her hard and kissed her.

By the time she made it down the hall and into her classroom, the teacher didn't know what she was more pissed off about, the fact that she and her boyfriend had been wrongly accused of having sex in the school like some deranged, lust-frenzied rabbits or the realization that someone else had beat her to doing it in her own classroom which was pretty much her most personal space aside from her small, cozy house.

She leaned hard over her desk, facing her students as she leveled them with her most menacing glare. Pam's raked her gaze over the hushed, teenagers before her trying to figure out if it was one of them or someone else in one of her other classes might have been the one to get her slapped on the wrist by Naomi for pretty much the most embarrassing thing ever. Her eyes were drawn to the center of the room, to that group of smug asshat jocks who were always staring at her cleavage and calling her 'Pammy' like they knew her. She fucking hated being called Pammy.

"I don't know what you guys think this school is," She began keeping her voice low and dangerous so that the room would remain quiet so they could hear her. "But I can tell you what its not. It's not Degrassi or the Playboy Mansion or some end of the world backwoods hut where its acceptable to go around having sex in empty classrooms just because you feel like getting off with whatever bimbo flavor of the week dumb enough to open her legs for you."

The room was so silent that you could hear a pin drop and that Novak kid's mouth had dropped open in shock. Yea he probably wasn't used to getting these kind of lectures at that fancy private school he came from, but if Pam was going to do this, probably get in even more trouble for treating her students like the adults they were about to be, well then everyone was going to hear it whether or not they were too innocent to even consider doing whatever had happened in her classroom that left semen streaked on the wall and floor a couple of feet in from the door.

"Now, I think I've been pretty nice about the whole thing up until this point." She continued pacing out from behind her desk, idly picking up the sheet of morning announcements from the office that she got every day before heading to class. "I didn't care that some of you wanted to eat lunch in my classroom or use it to study during your free periods. If this is the space that you feel comfortable in, great, but if you think you can come in here and treat it like your own personal sex cavern, then you're wrong. I will not be the butt you guys' joke any more. Grow up, get laid in a bed like an adult and if your mommies and daddies have a problem with it, then get a fucking job and get a hotel room like the rest of us. Any questions?"

Her gaze flicked back to Jo Harvelle who timidly raised her hand, bouncing it off of Winchester who was blushing more than she had ever seen the running back do and yea, she knew that he had a crush on her, but Pam also didn't think that he was the type of person to get embarrassed by a little frank discussion about sex.

"Ms. Barnes? Pam?" Jo began, getting a curt nod from the teacher to go on. "What is Degrassi?"

The older woman rolled her eyes, "Look it up, Harvelle. Any real questions?"

Silence. Great, she had been hoping that her little speech might be enough to make the guilty party come forward or at least look abashed enough that she could pick them out from the rest of the class.

"Good, on to other announcements." She said looking down at the paper in her hand as she perched to sit on the edge of her desk; at least they hadn't fucked on her desk whoever it was. "First, you all know that winter break starts next week so make sure any missing assignments are turned in by Friday because you'll get your report cards mailed home over the holidays and flunking French sure would put a damper on your New Year's plans."

A hushed murmur ran through the room as students high fived each other for making it through the semester, Pam could remember what being a senior in high school was like. It had been a while ago, but she knew that more than half of the graduating class was just coasting on the good grades they had already put out for the last three years and the rest had no idea what they were going to do after graduation. If they were anything like she had been, well then most of them were going to find out that they were little fish in a much bigger pond than they had ever imagined existing.

"Alright, shut it. I'm just as happy to be getting away from you guys for a month as you are to be getting away from me, so stow your celebrating til I'm done. Second announcement, this one from the bigwigs up on the school board, I'm sure most of you have seen the petition circulating around about school dances, well the administration wanted me to make it clear that they have never denied same sex couples entrance to a dance like Lawrence Free State did during their homecoming. They want everyone to enjoy school activities, but the dance is off campus at The Oread Hotel and the school will not be providing additional security to keep anyone who might want to protest the dance out. So for everyone, just take that in account before you buy tickets, if you think you won't be comfortable then the administration suggests that you don't go."

"Hear that fags?" Alistair said turning around with a wolfish grin plastered on his face to where Dean Winchester had reached out to put a comforting hand on Castiel Novak's shoulder. The smaller boy had a distraught look on his face that quickly turned thunderous when he realized that the gangly footballer was talking to them. "No one fucking wants you at that dance, so things might get ugly if you decide to go."

Pam watched with an arched eyebrow as Dean clenched his jaw and started to get up from his seat, interesting. Alistair jumped up followed quickly by Azazel and all the rest of those moronic flunkies that followed the older boy around.

"Things are already pretty ugly, Alistair." Dean replied lowly, looking behind him as Castiel stood up slowly from his desk, the smaller boy's movements were calculating and graceful and Pam could see the same kind of reserved power in her new student that she saw in Virgil sometimes when he was doing the kickboxing that made up the majority of his workouts.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Azazel said venomously behind his friend.

"It means look in a mirror, dude." Ash drawled lazily, getting up to put himself beside Dean and Castiel.

"You stupid fucking hick-" Azazel started trying to push past his friends and Pam figured that she should probably put a stop to this before she had to explain away a hate crime to Naomi too.

"ENOUGH!" She shouted, pushing into the melee of boys who were letting their testosterone get the best of the situation.

Pam reached out and put a manicured hand on Castiel's arm which had already tensed up to throw a punch in Dean's defense and the other fell on Alistair's shoulder, causing the taller boy to leer at her in a way that made her skin crawl.

"See boys," Alistair said lisping and sliding over the words like a snake. "Pammy agrees with us—"

"Out." Pam said coldly, turning her back on Dean, Castiel, Ash, and now Jo who all stood behind her against the larger group of footballers.

"Excuse me?" Alistair asked blinking at her and smiling toothily.

"I said get out of my classroom," the instructor seethed; it was the Pammy that did it. Pushed her over the edge of her patience with the taller boy and his narrow-minded small town homophobia that he assumed, wrongly she endorsed. "I don't care where you go, but if anyone stops you tell them your intolerance was making it hard for the rest of us to breathe."

The boy scoffed slightly in disbelief before the smile faded off of his face when Pam's stony expression didn't falter. Alistair narrowed his eyes at her before gesturing towards the door with his head, "Let's get out of here boys. This isn't over queers."

"Like hell it isn't," Pam muttered, striding back to her desk and pulling out her phone.

She looked up to see the rest of the class regarding Dean and Castiel with looks of confused and begrudging acceptance as the larger boy knelt down in front of the cadet who was sitting back at his desk with his head in his hands, trembling slightly. Jo was hovering over him worriedly and Ash was rifling through the smaller boy's backpack, coming up with an iPod and some headphones that he wordlessly handed to Dean before going back to his own seat and pulling out his phone. Dean quickly untangled the wires of the headphones, slipped one of the earbuds into Castiel's ear and fiddled with the device until the other boy looked up at him with a shaky smile and glistening eyes.

A buzz echoed through the room when the smaller boy leaned down and gave Dean a soft kiss on the lips before Pam figured that she needed to put a stop to their little love fest as cute as it was before someone started taking pictures and put together a very hostile smear campaign against the two boys.

"Don't you all have something better to do," She snapped to her students causing them to jump and go back to whatever they had been doing before she walked into the classroom.

Pam turned back to her phone, shooting off a quick text to her close personal friend; one Sheriff Jody Mills asking for a favor that she was pretty sure wouldn't be a favor at all.

* * *

Virgil liked to take his girlfriend to lunch; it was still strange to think of the French teacher in those terms because not so long ago the lurching he got in his stomach any time he was around the infuriating woman had been written off as hatred, until it wasn't. It was amazing, the way that they could banter and argue and still end up tangled up in each other like they were always meant to be that way.

Maybe it was all of the gooey feelings for his fellow teacher that he was having lately or maybe it was because he thought it was really amusing to see those self-entitled jocks taken down a peg or two by a woman who was half their size, but when Pam told him about her morning, the stoic ROTC instructor could help bursting into laughter in the small, café that he had taken her to off campus for lunch.

"It's not funny, Virgil." Pam said, pouting at him slightly. "Naomi is breathing down my neck, pretty much looking for a reason to say that we can't date anymore and now my classroom has turned into a soap opera. I'm completely losing control of the situation."

"You are not losing control," the man replied, picking at the salad that he was eating to appease his doctor who told him his cholesterol was entirely too high. "Those boys deserved to be kicked out of your class; no one should have to put up with that. Novak and Winchester are not doing anything wrong and neither are we."

"Well, I called Jody. She said she would take care of it."

"You're sic-ing the sheriff on our boss? I don't think that will go over very well, Pamela."

"No, grumpy." Pam replied using the nickname that she had given him long before they had started dating; now it was affectionate and endearing when before it had just made him more irritated. "She's going to chaperone the dance, her and a deputy if she can spare one. If anything happens there will be actual police there to control the situation. Between you and her, those Neanderthals will be too scared to try anything."

"Even if they do, it won't go very far and maybe Uriel will finally see that I was telling him the truth about Wheeler and Lehne being a bad reflection on the team's image. Even my cadets manage to comport themselves in a civilized way when they are doing something that might draw negative attention to the ROTC. Dupont and Novak are right up there with Miligan as my pride and joy this semester."

"I still don't know how you knew about those two before I did," Pam said narrowing her eyes at him as she took another bite of the sandwich she was eating. "I'm usually very good at reading people."

"Well, Winchester took me a bit by surprise, but since Novak got here his grades have gotten better and he hasn't skipped my class once this year so I can't say the boy's not a good influence on him. And Gilda, well she's got a lot of fight and fury in her and for someone who doesn't say much, she sure as hell says things that matter. They're good kids, all of them."

"You're such a softy, Virgil Sanz." The woman said smiling at him.

He cleared his throat and squared his shoulders from where he had leaned towards Pam. "Well, don't go telling everyone. Bad for my reputation."

Later, after he'd finished with his lecture about the basics of rifle care and marksmanship, enlisting Miligan and Novak once again to demonstrate how to strip and care for the firearms that the ROTC would be familiarizing themselves with over the next semester, he sees Dean and Castiel talking in the hallway. Virgil has gotten used to Winchester waiting around for the smaller boy after meetings and had taken to letting the footballer grade some of the assignments for his freshman Spanish class in order to not be left just sitting around bored while he waited for Castiel.

Virgil doesn't mean to over hear them, but Dean seems to be upset about something and it's the tone, the fear that he isn't used to hearing in the normally self-assured boy that catches his attention.

"No Cas, I'm not the one you should be apologizing to. She stuck up for us today and we probably got her in trouble. We can't really afford to be making enemies out of the teachers, too."

"You are just as much at fault here as I am, Dean. It wasn't me who—" Castiel began only to have the other boy cut him off brusquely.

"You keep reminding me, but you know what? I didn't hear any complaints when you saw me in that tux; it was the last one in my size, Cas. Next time, I'll just keep my mouth shut and not do anything for you. How about that, babe?" Dean crossed his arms and smirked at the startled expression that crossed the other boy's face.

"Nonononono, that's not what I meant, darling." Castiel said quickly, catching the other boy's face in his hands and pressing appeasing kisses on Dean's cheeks until the larger boy battled him off. "I'll figure out a way to make it up to her, okay?"

The instructor figured that he had probably heard enough, maybe he should cut them some slack; let them know that they had more of the faculty on their side in this whole thing than they seemed to think.

"Flowers," he said gruffly, from where he was locking the door to his classroom. Naomi had sent an email out saying that all rooms needed to be secured if they weren't being used for a class or club meeting. "Ms. Barnes likes flowers, tulips."

Dean and Castiel looked up at him startled and the larger boy visibly paled when Virgil turned his gaze on him. The instructor tried hard not to laugh at Dean's reaction because he liked the boy and maybe he should take Pam's advice and lighten up a bit with some of his students, the ones that didn't need him to put the fear of god into them in order to finish their assignments.

"Thank you, sir," Castiel replied, snapping off a salute to the older man before turning to Dean with a shrug. "Flowers, easy enough."

Virgil strolled off to meet the other teacher; he wasn't going to tell her about the gesture that the two boys were going to make to her for sticking up for them. It would probably make her day and maybe help her forget about the whole drama with their boss for a little while. Castiel and Dean watched until he had rounded the corner before the larger boy pointed a stern finger at his boyfriend.

"We'll get Pam some flowers and no more sex at school."

Castiel shuffled his feet petulantly and looked up at the other boy under his eyelashes, "Fine, but I'm going to keep changing in the stalls in the locker room for gym. Your staring is becoming a problem."

" _My_ staring, sure." Dean said slinging his arm around his boyfriend's shoulders and steering him towards the exit.

* * *

Chuck hated dances, he doesn't know how he gets wrangled into chaperoning these things every damn time, but he suspects that it might have something to do with how Naomi always sidles up to him, dropping the stern authoritarian act and ignoring the whiskey that he's pretty sure his boss can smell on his breath even when he tries to lace it with coffee, and asks him all sweet if he will just do her one more little favor.

He can never say no to that woman and Chuck's pretty sure that she knows that because otherwise why else would she keep a high functioning alcoholic like him on the payroll? It might also be because since he started teaching writing and literature, Lawrence High's graduates have had SAT scores that are through the roof. But Chuck has never believed that he was the sole reason for his students success, all of these kids had the potential to put out great work, just most never had a teacher who cut the shit and gave them honest feedback, he tried to do that for them. When they came to him with problems, he never sugarcoated his advice, life was pretty much crap and you just learned how to make the best of what you had.

Friday was the last day before winter break and most of his classes were only half full; students either decided to cut or their parents called into the office with some excuse about why their kids couldn't make it in even though Christmas was still weeks off. Chuck had given his last final the week before, wanting to get it out of the way so that he could work on his new novel and not have to watch his students for cheating.

He had been pretty inspired lately, this one was different from the stuff that he usually wrote; the dark broody series of books about two brothers who chased down demons and monsters because it was 'the family business'; saving people, killing things. Those had a pretty big cult following, but they still didn't make enough so that he could pay the bills off of them and quit teaching, not that he would that is. Quit teaching. Chuck's new book was a love story, something real and awkward where everything got turned around and fucked up and messy before it got better. He wasn't sure what the ending was yet, but he figured it would come to him when he got there.

His AP English course was six students, pathetic. When they got seated in their desks, Chuck just waved a hand at them to do whatever they wanted and went back to pecking away at the keys, scratching at his beard, and dumping more whiskey out of his flask that had turned up empty after he had lost it for a week or so there around homecoming, causing him to almost have a heart attack when he thought one of his students had gotten ahold of it.

He heard desks scrapping along the floors and papers shuffling as the students moved around to sit somewhere else if their partners weren't there. Chuck glanced up to see that the students had pulled their desk into a lopsided circle with Becky sitting next to Dean and Castiel as the other three students jostled around to sit next to who they wanted. The two boys looked surprised to have anyone wanting to talk to them as the small group started discussing their plans for the dance that evening and the upcoming holidays.

Castiel especially seemed like he didn't know what to do with his hands that were fidgeting on the tabletop as he smiled and forced chit chat with the students he didn't know every well. When Dean reached over and put his hand on top of the other boy's, stilling his anxious movements and leaning over to drop a kiss on the side of Castiel's face without stopping his conversation with the rest of the group, Chuck decided to include the gesture in his novel.

He had already loosely based some of the characters on students at school, making them older and their problems more real and life altering besides who was dating who or what colleges they were applying to. But he was having a hard time with writing the little affectionate scenes, the ones between his two main characters because he didn't have that kind of interaction in his own life, hadn't had it for a really long time, since his wife divorced him for someone capable of expressing their feelings out loud rather than through a hastily scrawled note or another dead man's poetry.

In fact, his two main characters were an awful lot like Castiel and Dean, only they were a heterosexual couple because his publisher told him that would sell more books if he actually wanted to get a review in a real paper this time. Chuck didn't think that he had done it on purpose, but something about those two personalities: Dean's confident, charming gestures paired with Castiel's stilted, quiet strength just resonated as genuine and he hoped like hell the two boys would never have to go through some of the shit he was putting his characters through in his novel. He already felt too much like a cruel and capricious God, taunting his protagonists with happiness only to have it derailed by something else that kept them apart. But that was life and it wasn't easy, rarely did it have a fairytale ending.

"So you two are going?" One of the girls in the group asked in an awe-struck tone.

"Of course we are," Dean said nonchalantly, smiling over at Castiel who's brow had creased with worry. "We aren't scared of those assholes. Right, sweetheart?"

"I don't want any trouble," Castiel admitted to the group. "But I'm also not going to let them bully us for wanting to go to the dance together."

"Damn straight!" Aidan Rogers declared, slapping Castiel heartily on the back. The baseball player had always seemed sincerely enthusiastic to Chuck about helping others and he was Vice President of the Young Democrats club, so he was more open-minded than some of the other jocks at Lawrence High. "I've got your back, bros. If shit goes belly-up, Josie and I will help you out. My girl's a black belt."

"Are you wearing matching tuxes?" Beck sighed, looking up at Dean and Castiel with a starry eyed expression on her face as she propped her head up on one of her hands.

"Well there wasn't a lot left to pick from—" Dean began shooting the smaller boy a dirty look as he spoke.

"You'll just have to wait and see, Becky." Castiel said stopping Dean with a squeeze of his hand from where it was still in the other boy's grasp. "The only ones who have seen them are Sam, Gabriel, and Meg."

"And they aren't even going! Unfair!" the girl cried dramatically from the seat beside Dean, causing the larger boy to wince at her shrill tone.

"Sam can't take Gabe because he's not a student and really, Becks? There was never a chance of Meg going, we'll just have to ask Luc if he can scrounge up her old prom pictures for us later so that we can make fun of her." Dean said, rubbing at his ear.

"Let's just say we both look very dashing," Castiel said gazing at the larger boy with a look of adoration on his face. "What about your dresses, ladies?"

Chuck smirked at how the younger boy artfully steered the conversation off of him and Dean and tuned them out again, frowning over a particularly emotional scene he was trying to write about his protagonists coming to terms that the other has changed since they last saw each other. It was a recurring theme in all of his writing, growth and change and realizing that despite mistakes, everyone deserves to have good things happen to them. It was something the brothers in his series still hadn't really figured out yet, despite obvious hints from other characters they met along the way.

He didn't even really notice when the bell rang until the less familiar noise of the students sliding their desks back into place startled him out of his writing zone. Chuck watched the students, feeling like there as something he was forgetting about as they gathered their bags.

"Right, uh guys," He said clearing his throat so that his voice wouldn't come out all croaky sounding, when was the last time he had talked to someone today? Something besides a dismissive grunt or a muttered answer when one of his students asked him a question, the instructor couldn't remember. "So, I know you don't want to think of homework over the holidays, but if you haven't started those short stories then maybe you should get on it. I'm going to be expecting something to prove that you've been working on it by the end of February."

"Shit," he heard Dean mutter, the larger boy rubbing a hand over the back of his neck and glancing at Castiel who was standing beside him. "Guess we better get on that, babe."

"Also, those of you going to the dance tonight, have fun." Chuck added feeling like he should show his support for the two boys somehow. "I'll uh, see you all there I guess."

At the end of the day, he trundled home in order to toss on his badly abused wrinkled brown suit, Chuck even thought about shaving, but it just seemed like too much effort and that was why he only did it when Naomi started giving him that disapproving look, the same one that she got near the end of the school year when he got really sloppy and obvious with his drinking because that was right around the time that Rebecca had left him. It had been almost five years; Chuck didn't know why he still let it get to him so bad.

His first thought when he got to The Oread Hotel was that at least it had a bar, so if he emptied out his flask or god forbid, lost it again in the confusion of the dance he had a back up source of alcohol. If he was careful then no one would notice the glassy-look he got in his eyes when he was forced to watch all of those happy teenagers dance and laugh like he had never done during his own high school years. Chuck hadn't blossomed until college, when the girls were more likely to be impressed by your ability to quote Tennyson rather than throw a football.

Naomi was already there, looking elegant in a sweeping blue ball gown that dipped low on her back and sparkled when she moved, striding over the dance floor to oversee some of the students who were helping decorate for the dance. Her hair wasn't pulled up in its normal tight bun that she always wore it in at school, instead the red tresses curled softly over her shoulders, pinned back at her temple to keep her bangs out of her face by a tasteful comb that had little white flowers on it.

In all of the years that Chuck had worked for the woman he had harbored a secret crush, first when he was still struggling to save his floundering marriage and then later when the principal would make a point to stop by his dusty apartment to check on him when he wasn't answering her phone calls about lesson plans. She could be gentle and sincere, forgiving to a fault and a lot like Virgil in the way she kept her stern façade in place in front of students in order to maintain order at the sometimes hectic school.

The man knew that the whole PFLAG thing was really stressing her out, especially since she could not blatantly support the debate one way or another because the school board wanted her to remain an impartial figurehead, only stepping in if it looked like the situation was going to boil over into violence or a lawsuit like it almost had several years earlier. Chuck knew that Naomi's younger sister was a lesbian, he had met her once a long time ago when his boss had first started at the school and she had been out celebrating her sister's pregnancy with her sibling and the other woman's partner; they had happened to be at the same restaurant where he and Rebecca were having another forced, uncomfortable date as suggested they should do by their marriage counselor.

"Chuck, oh thank god you're here," Naomi gushed spotting him and rushing over, the heels she was wearing clicking on the dance floor and causing her to tower over him by a couple of inches. "Can you please explain to these children how balloons need helium to float? They just keep inhaling it and singing like those annoying chipmunks. I can't take much more of this."

"I'm just an English teacher, Naomi. Gerlach, that's who you need to do the scientific explanations, not me." Chuck said smiling at her as she reached out to try to smooth the wrinkles out of his brown, corduroy jacket and biting her lip in that cute way that he had always liked.

"Well, you're better with the kids than he is," Naomi said straightening his tie next with a sigh. "Seriously, Chuck. Do you even own an iron?"

"You know I do, Naomi." He replied, slightly distracted by how the light in the hotel's ballroom glittered off of her hair and composing long-winded poetic descriptions in his head about how beautiful she looked. Not that he would ever tell her, Chuck had never thought he was good enough for his boss, she had seen him at some of the lowest points in his life and that alone should be enough to make any woman go running in the other direction, not just Naomi who had her life so much more together than he did "You bought me one for Christmas last year, secret Santa."

"Well, then I guess someone will just have to teach you how to use it." She said glancing up from his tie before she pressed a hand to her temple and her cheeks pinkened. "Can you just go talk to them? I'm already starting to get a headache. Hell, take the helium away if they can't handle being around it."

"Will do, boss." Chuck replied ambling over to the students before a thought struck him and he turned around to face Naomi, continuing to walk backwards in a way that he thought was way more suave than he could normally pull off. "Anything else you need me to do?"

"Save me a dance?" The woman replied, biting her lip again and making Chuck's heart skip a couple of beats as he nodded dumbly back at her, ruining the smooth effect he had been going for by tripping over his own feet and almost falling before he turned back around to direct the students in their decorating.

* * *

Naomi didn't even have to force a smile when Jody Mills walked into the hotel ballroom; when Pam first told her that she had called in reinforcements for the winter ball it was like a huge weight had been lifted off of her shoulders. The school board had tied her hands, not allowing her to hire outside security or respond to any of the angry and threatening emails that she had been receiving from parents in response to the article that the paper had run over PFLAG's latest campaign to make her life harder than it had to be.

Most of the angry old, white men that made up the board wanted to outright ban same-sex couples from the dance, but the principal had reminded them of the backlash from the last time they had hesitated about enforcing the school's zero tolerance bullying policy. They didn't seem to think that homophobia was the same thing as bullying though; a few even quoted scripture at her when they tried to justify their position, but her fierce expression had caused them to back down fairly quickly.

After her last meeting with them she had heard one of them called her an 'ice queen', an insult that had been muttered as she left the room so they could talk about her sister and her family and why she supported such deviant behavior behind her back like a bunch of gossiping sorority girls. She did it for the kids who otherwise wouldn't get a chance to do the little, normal things that they deserved to do. Kids like Gilda and Castiel who just tried to be the best they could even when no one was watching. The Winchester boys who dealt with their miserable father that Naomi had seen once when she went to pick Chuck up from a bar after he had had too much to drink, kids like that deserved to have someone fighting for them.

The insult barely even stung, just like when men called her a ball-buster or a cold fish or a bitch for being uncompromising and driven. Even since moving to Lawrence to accept the principal position at one of the city's high school, the only thing that she hadn't been called was heartless. Which was probably a blessing in disguise because the woman was pretty sure that it would be the only slur that could be thrown at her that might cause a reaction.

It was what her ex-boyfriend had called her when she couldn't continue to support his dream of being a rockstar and told him to grow the fuck up. One little insult, hurled at her as she was walking out the door to start her new life doing what she loved, working with kids, a life that Scott had refused to join her in because it meant leaving New York City where if he kept at it, surely his horrible little bar band would eventually be discovered and why couldn't Naomi just be supportive of him for once? He had determined that it was because she didn't have a heart, that she was passionless and uncaring and selfish.

But he was wrong, Naomi cared deeply for a great number of things. She loved her sister and her niece and her sister-in-law who never took any crap from anyone when they tried to profile the family that the trio had built together. She had convictions and beliefs just about something as mundane as her job that the drummer never would be able to understand and when she arrived in Lawrence it was like the world had finally opened up to her, revealing that there were much more interesting men than the shallow, goateed musician she had wasted so much time on. Men who were layered and damaged and sincerely cared about the things they were doing in their lives just as much as she did.

When she first met Chuck, he hadn't started drinking yet or maybe he had, but it was limited to the times that he was nervous or anxious and just a quick swallow from his familiar flask would be enough to keep him from stuttering or fidgeting his way through a conversation with someone. He was married then, unhappy, but trying to make it work with his wife who didn't like that he wrote all the time, was tired of the ink stains on the tips of his fingers and the way the typewriter would clack late into the night as he worked.

Chuck told Naomi at the first faculty Christmas party that she attended that marriage was just a numbers game, where you were competing with the other person to see who's affection divided and diminished slower. It was all a big con to see who could outlast the other so that when it ended someone was the bad guy and someone was the victim. The way he had sounded when he said it, resigned and sad and defeated broke her heart, made her even more certain that she had always had one than ever before.

Six months later when his divorce went through and she took the time to go over to his newly acquired apartment, he had called it his 'bachelor pad' with a wry smile that had failed to hide the fact that he was completely hammered from her, it had taken all of her resolve to not reach out right then, tell him that she cared and that she was willing to chance being a victim if it just meant that he didn't have to be one anymore. But she didn't, it was too soon. He was probably still in love with his ex-wife and she was his boss. How would it look if she were to act on her feelings for him?

Later, it got even harder. When his drinking got worse, more obvious and the school board started pushing her to fire him even though he was one of the best teachers in the entire school. She couldn't do it then because it would just seem like she was only keeping him around in order to be close to him, which may be partially true, but it didn't explain away the fact that he loved teaching, was amazing with the students and it would break his heart all over again to lose the interaction he had with the kids. That was the first time she stood up to the school board about something, staking her own reputation to protect the job of a man who couldn't even iron or shave without being reminded to by Naomi.

Naomi watched as Chuck took tickets for the dance from the tickle of students that were staring to flow in through the doors, Jody's deputy by his side making the teacher's grizzled, haphazard appearance even more noticeable when he was compared to the officer in his neatly pressed uniform. She felt herself start to blush again when she thought of dancing with him, Naomi didn't know where that little burst of rebellion had come from, maybe she was finally ready to take her younger sister's advice about telling the school board where they could shove their stupid rules

Or maybe she was inspired by Pam and Virgil who were talking softly near the punch bowl, smiling at each other in a secretive happy way that Naomi coveted more than anything she ever had before in her entire life. She had felt bad earlier in the week for putting the French teacher in such an awkward position, chastising her like a love-struck teenager who couldn't control herself around the ROTC instructor, but Naomi had to maintain some semblance of control or next thing she knew she would be throwing herself at Chuck in his dim classroom and that would be the end of her tenure as Lawrence High's principal

She tucked her hair back behind her ear and tried to set her features back to the mask of impassivity that she wore around the students, but finding herself smirking again when Chuck waved for her attention, pointing out the outlandish white tuxedo that Uriel had chosen to wear to the dance this year as he walked in hulking and glowering over the students like he would rather be anywhere else, but chaperoning the winter ball with his fellow instructors. Naomi had to hide her smile behind her hand when Chuck mimed a gorilla behind the larger man's back, turning away quickly when Uriel looked back at him at him suspiciously.

Something about this night had her feeling hopeful, more than the giddiness she got around Chuck when he was being charming and adorable without the aid of alcohol. The evening felt heavy with something, something unspoken and full of promise and maybe she would tell Chuck tonight, distract him from the pain that she knew drove the other teacher to drink and prove to herself and everyone who doubted that she wasn't heartless, that she could care about more than the bottom line, that she was more than just the school board's puppet, and that they both could be more than victims of cupid's folly if they put their minds to it.

Yea, maybe it would be tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minimal destiel-ly feels in this one, sorry. I don't know where exactly it got away from me, but can I just say I really liked writing a mini-Chuck back story? Like, whoa. I think I love Chuck. Next one though, that will be all of the dancey, formal winter-ball goodness complete with tuxes for Dean and Cas that will make your heart stop. Promise.
> 
> The comments are always appreciated and thanks to everyone who is bookmarking or subscribing, you're the wind beneath my wings.
> 
> *ALSO* I realized I picked a really shit day to post this so I may be editing which days I post after tonight, depending on how much it interferes with me/all of you watching the new season. Let me know if another day works better for you guys!!!


	21. I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You

"Thanks for picking up my suit, Gabriel." Castiel said, looking over at his brother who had collected him from his last ROTC meeting of the semester in Bonnie. The Cadillac was gleaming, freshly washed and polished by his older brother who claimed that the snow and the cold just made the old girl's bones tired.

Dean had darted off after gym class, promising to pick him up for the dance so that they could go to dinner with their friends at the fancy restaurant that Jo had made reservations at before going over to the hotel where the winter ball was being held, fashionably late was what the girls said they were doing. Leaving the entire school waiting and holding their breath with anticipation of whether or not the newest, most scandalous couple at Lawrence High would actually turn up after hearing the threats that Alistair and his cronies had been going around making about them.

Castiel was only about halfway sure that Becky was exaggerating when she had told him during Calculus the day before that everyone was talking about him and Dean; wondering if the whole them as a couple thing was a big joke, gossiping about who was the bottom and who was the top (he was surprised by how evenly split that opinion was considering Dean's romantic history), and even starting a pool to see how long they were going to last; most were saying that Dean would get tired of him by graduation.

He really hoped that wasn't the case and had gently refused to speculate about the seriousness of his relationship with the other girl because Castiel was still completely terrified that he was going to jinx everything, do something that made Dean wake up and realize that he wasn't anything special. He was going to say it tonight and he didn't know what he would do if Dean didn't say it back. Probably nothing, because he knew that just having the other boy around was enough of a miracle, it would be too much to hope that all of this was love. He still wasn't wholly convinced that he deserved something like that.

"It's not a problem, Cas." Gabriel replied smirking over at him. "The picture you sent didn't really do it justice though. That color, baby bro, its like, POW! Good to see you finally realized that I'm the fashion forward one in this family."

"You're advice had nothing to do with it, Gabe." Castiel scoffed, going through the list of things that he had to do before Dean showed up in his head. "Our choices were pretty limited, Dean says I dragged my feet so much about saying I would go that we were lucky that we didn't end up with ruffled shirts and pastels."

"Oooh, imagine it Cassie." Gabriel said dreamily. "Me and Sam, in matching powder blue tuxes. Our wedding is just going to be fabulous."

"Right," the younger boy replied disbelievingly. "And where are you planning on going for that? Kentucky? I'm pretty sure they are the only ones who will let you marry a sixteen year old, Mrs. Robinson."

"Someday, doubter. I'm talking about the future, y'know? The big picture. Speaking of, have you and Rachel talked anymore about the trial, what you're going to do afterwards? Are you going to keep seeing her?"

"If I need to I guess," Castiel said, shifting in his seat as they pulled up to the house and waited for the garage door to slowly open.

He had talked to his therapist the day before about everything that had happened on Thanksgiving when her office was closed so he didn't have his regular appointment, how he had tried to reach her but ended up finding solace in a place he hadn't expected, his boyfriend. It had been a trial to go that long without seeing her, but by beginning to talk to Dean about his dad the therapist had said that he was taking the first steps towards not needing outside support from a professional.

She had given him a lot of shit though, about stopping his meds just because he felt better. Rachel said that meant that they were working and he had to admit that the voices had only popped up once or twice since he had gotten back on them. He had told Dean about the pills too, especially after he had began to hear the hatred spewing out at him for real from his classmates and he had fumbled with the bottle that he kept in his backpack at lunch one day when he had rushed to take his forgotten morning dosage in order to make them stop.

Dean had asked what they were for, frowning when Castiel explained that sometimes the anxiety just got to him and taken it upon himself to quietly remind the smaller boy about them in the mornings when they met in the parking lot to walk in together. They had fallen into an easy, comfortable routine with each other; spending the afternoons together when he got out of his ROTC meetings, staying the night with each other on Wednesdays after movie night and some Saturdays if Dean wasn't too tired from working in Bobby's shop, and then jogging on Sunday morning though those outings had devolved more into them making out against trees in the nature park or talking with the Golden Girls in Stonegate Park before they scampered off to church.

His blue-haired lady friends really liked Dean, they said he reminded them of Clark Gable, but Cas secretly thought he looked more like a young, lighter haired Elvis; a sentiment that both embarrassed and elated him because he had had a crush on the crooner from pretty much the first time he had seen _G.I. Blues_ and later when he saw the singer in _Love Me Tender_ he knew. He knew that he would never want anything but a strong jaw and a deep voice and perfect cupid's bow lips that formed into dazzling smiles that were only meant for him.

But he hadn't told Dean any of this. They did endearments and the other boy would call him beautiful, compliment his eyes and his smile, but Castiel had a hard time doing that kind of thing in return. He just wrote it all down in the notebook that Rachel had given him, little observations he made about his boyfriend that contrasted sharply with the dark nightmares he had written at the front of the journal. It felt like he was two separate people living through the pain and the betrayal of his father and oldest brother, but also so full of love and joy that sometimes he felt like he was going to explode. And that's why he had to tell Dean he loved him, before his heart burst out of his chest like a cartoon character seeing a pretty girl.

"Cas? Are you listening or thinking about that ugly boy again?" Gabriel said waving a hand in front of his younger brother's face.

Castiel blushed at having been so obvious, staring off into space with a stupid smile on his face probably, like Meg told him he did anytime something reminded him of his boyfriend. "Yea, I'm listening."

"Then what did I say?"

"Uh," he tried to find the answer in the context clues, Gabe was halfway out of the Cadillac with the garment bag containing his tuxedo hanging off of one finger. Probably something about the dance. "You asked when Dean would be here?"

"Wrong. Sam told me they'd be over about six-ish if he could get Dean to stop preening and freaking out over how his car looked. No, I told you to go ahead and go shower and stuff. I'll steam your tux so that we can avoid distracting from all of your prettiness with a wrinkled suit."

"Oh, thanks Gabe." Castiel replied dumbly, climbing out of the car and following his older brother into the house.

Castiel climbed into his ensuite shower so that he could wash off the grime that he had accumulated doing bear crawls in the cold, dirty slush that the snow had melted into with the rest of the rifle squad, which was comprised mainly of himself, Adam, a few underclassmen that had not been on the drill team with him during football season, and Kevin. Gilda said she didn't like guns, which he thought was weird since she hadn't had a problem with them when she was throwing them around, but his friend said that the real thing was different, too heavy and dangerous feeling not to make her skin crawl. He felt the opposite way about firearms, after all in the right hands they were perfectly safe.

Something was making him feel off though, maybe it was that he just felt so disoriented by all of the winter ball stuff, Cas had never been to a dance before. Mostly because he didn't know the first thing about dancing, but also because he didn't see what the big deal was. To him it just seemed like an excuse to dress up in fancy, uncomfortable clothes and spend the night hanging out with the same people you spent time with every day at school. He would much rather be in Dean's cramped bed, watching a pirated movie that had really bad picture quality on Sam's tiny laptop than wasting his evening with the other boy trying to prove something to the rest of the school.

But his boyfriend wanted to go and Castiel liked to make Dean happy, it didn't hurt that the tuxedo that the larger boy ended up with looked absolutely amazing. He also hadn't forgotten what Dean had said to him about previews and what might happen after the dance. The thought of finally trying his hand at what he had attempted to do in Pam's classroom made him nervous and excited and achingly hard.

Dean had felt the need to demonstrate on him a couple of more times over the last week, pretty much anytime they were alone long enough for the larger boy to get his clothes off, but refused to let Cas return the favor. Either taking care of his erection before the smaller boy came down from his post-orgasm high or coming as soon as Castiel gripped his cock, lasting only a couple of strokes before Dean buried his face in Cas's neck moaning the smaller boy's name as he came hard and fast and unexpectedly.

Never, ever in a million years would Castiel have thought that he could have that kind of effect on another person, especially not someone as worldly and experienced as Dean. It was heady and intoxicating and perfect. He wasn't a complete moron, he knew about sex. Much more than the skewed and twisted version of the birds and the bees talk that his father had given him when he had been broken and helpless, thoroughly convinced that not only was the kind of sex he was interested in was wrong, but all sex that didn't come with a ring and a binding contract before God would land him straight in hell.

But that didn't stop him from wanting. Wanting things he didn't even know how to begin asking for from Dean. It had been hard enough to tell the other boy that he wasn't some fragile little virgin who had to be treated gently, though, the virgin part was right since the only person to ever even come close to touching him had been Daniel and that was just kissing. Nothing even close to the things that he had already done with Dean or the things he wanted the larger boy to do to him.

But he could tell that the whole actual sex aspect of their relationship was freaking Dean out a bit, that's why he had taken control of the situation in Pam's classroom. Mostly for Dean because the other boy was too stuck in his head to be enjoying something that Castiel wanted to be a mutually pleasurable experience, but also because being able to stop was something he thought that he might need to do if everything got to be too much. Now though, now that he knew what it felt like to have Dean's rough, callused hands on him touching him and stroking him it was like he was addicted, like if he didn't feel the warm skin of the other boy's against his own regularly then he was going to go into withdrawals.

He couldn't stop thinking about it, imagining scenarios where he and Dean might be able to find a moment alone together so that they could kiss or touch or explore each other like he wanted to do. Castiel was no stranger to his own body, he knew where he liked to be touched and how in order to bring about his orgasms in the most efficient way possible. Back before it had felt so much more delicious to linger like Dean did as his boyfriend touched him, with barely there caresses that he would trail down past his erection in the shower or in his bedroom anytime he found himself wishing that Dean would just take him like he had all of his pasts conquests, hard and shuddering pressed up against a wall or something like when Castiel had almost got them caught by John after his birthday.

His locker room fantasies had been the ones that were becoming the most distracting and when Dean had called him out about it earlier in the week, they had barely made it to the Impala before the larger boy had been on him, hands buried in Castiel's hair and straddling the other boy's hips in the passenger seat as they kissed furiously like it would be the last time they ever got a chance to taste each other.

Everything about their relationship felt so urgent and frantic and sudden that sometimes Castiel just wanted to slow everything down so they could revel in their time together. Or maybe speed it all up so they were grown and out on their own already, maybe in a little apartment somewhere that just belonged to him and Dean. God, he had to stop thinking that way. Planning a future together when they hadn't even discussed what they were going to do after graduation yet.

Had Dean applied to colleges? Some place far enough away that he didn't have to worry about his father finding out about him or maybe stay in Lawrence, get a place for him and Sam until the younger Winchester graduated. Even though Sam was practically living at the Novak house ever since something John had said about throttling Gabriel if he ever steeped foot in their apartment again. Castiel just wished that Dean would realize that his younger brother was fine, didn't need protecting as long as he had people like Gabriel and Bobby and Ellen who would help out the younger boy if he needed it.

Cas had stowed his own blank college applications that the guidance counselor had given him on Tuesday away somewhere in his desk in his room where Dean probably wouldn't find them and where he could try to forget about them. He was going to wait until Dean brought that up, but it was one of the sacrifices he had already decided he would make for the other boy. One of those things that he had learned was worth giving up if it meant that he got to stay with Dean. Engineering was something his father had always thought he should do anyway, beyond its practical applications it had never held any real interest for him.

It was only when the hot water started turning tepid that he realized how long he had actually been in the shower thinking about Dean and his future and fuck, Gabriel for bringing it up because he was finally just starting to get over the past, live in the present and he did not want to be worrying about this stuff when he still needed to get dressed and figure out his hair and just make it through tonight without having a panic attack from how everyone was going to be staring at him and Dean.

His suit was hanging up on the back of his bedroom door and there was a small gift bag sitting on his bed. Castiel eyed it suspiciously, deciding that since he didn't have much time until Dean arrived to pick him up that he would get dressed first and then worry about whatever joke his older brother was playing on him later.

Gabriel had teased him mercilessly over the weekend when he had emerged from his bedroom on Saturday night for dinner with his hair hopelessly mused and his face all red from Dean's stubble scratching against his skin, as the larger boy made himself presentable to join the rest of them. Sam had joined in, earning a punch on the arm from Dean and Anna had just rolled her eyes at all of them, texting Kevin with a secretive smile on her face. It was uncomfortable in a way that felt okay, a way that made him feel like he finally had his family back together.

He pulled the pants of the suit on over a pair of fitted navy boxers, begrudgingly accepting that it wasn't too terribly uncomfortable as the expensive fabric brushed over his skin, causing goose bumps to break out over his chest and neck. Castiel put on the shirt next, it was a familiar feeling doing up the small black buttons on the traditional tuxedo shirt with its little pleats that ran across his chest and down the front; it was exactly like putting on his old Lake Forrest uniform. The cufflinks came with the suit, matching the buttons on the front and not being anything extraordinary. He refused to wear a cummerbund, much like Dean had sternly stated that he was going to die before he wore a bowtie, but besides that and the color his suit was fairly conventional.

Castiel decided to try to do something with his hair, thought for just a second about asking Anna if he could use some of her hair gel again before he remembered that Dean didn't like how it smelled and just tried to flatten it the best he could with his palms while it was still wet and sort of manageable. He gave up with an annoyed huff and just sat down heavily onto his bed in order to put on the shiny, black dress shoes that also came with his suit. The gift bag thumped lightly against his side and once again he ignored it after glancing at the clock above his stereo, tying up the laces hurriedly and snatching the jacket for his suit off of the hanger along with the bowtie before he glanced around the room to make sure he had everything he needed for the evening.

A soft knock on the door brought him out of his panic as he fumbled with his wallet and phone, shoving them into the satin lined pockets of his pants. He whipped around to see his sister in her own eggplant purple dress, poking her head sheepishly into his room, eyeing him up and down an approving look on her face.

"Blue," Anna said softly. "I should have known it would be a blue suit."

Castiel looked down at himself and slid his suit jacket on, actually enjoying the feel of the satin that lined the inside, covered the buttons and lapels against his neck. He glanced up at his sister and bit his lip nervously, "You don't think it's too much? Gaudy? It feels a bit gaudy."

"Not at all, Cas. It's perfect. Dean's gonna freak."

"I doubt it; he's already seen me in it."

"Well, that was before you got all cleaned up for him." Anna replied waving off his self-deprecation that she has gotten used to ignoring. "Cas, can you do me a favor? Zip me up? I don't know where Gabriel has gotten off to."

"I thought he was driving you and Kevin?" Castiel asked moving around behind his sister so that he could fasten up the zipper and eyehook on her dress. It was almost 1950s looking, with a full tea-length skirt that the girl was probably going to freeze in and a wide off the shoulder neck line that paired with the pearls Anna was wearing perfectly.

"No, he pawned it off on Mrs. Tran. Said he and Sam had some big date planned, he also told me that he would do all of my chores for two weeks if I stayed the night at Gilda or Becky's."

"You weren't supposed to tell him about that, Na!" Gabriel barked peevishly from the doorway.

"Does that mean I'm out of snow shoveling duty if I don't come home tonight?" Castiel asked with a raised eyebrow and Anna turned around and started brushing non-existent lint off of the shoulders of his suit jacket.

"No," Gabriel said confusedly. "Did you not open the present I left for you?"

"I didn't because I just assumed it was exploding ink or some joke that would just make me look stupid and have to shower all over again. I don't want to leave Dean waiting around for me to finish getting ready."

"Well…Anna can you just go already? Don't you have to cake on another pound of makeup or something?" Gabriel teased, shifting on his feet uncomfortably.

The two brothers watched as she left, sticking her tongue out at Gabriel and swanning out of the room like she was Princess Di. Gabe looked pointedly at the small red gift bag, clearing his throat and wringing his hands until Castiel relented and dumped its contents on the bed unceremoniously. He picked up the small key cautiously; raising an eyebrow at his older brother who shrugged helplessly and blushed like this was the most uncomfortable moment of his life.

"There's a card." Gabriel offered lamely, gesturing towards the bed and looking anywhere but at Castiel. "Just…uh…think of it as a late birthday present."

Cas picked up the envelope, thumbing open the unsealed flap and pulling out a small yellow card that had a bumblebee on the cover, underneath it said 'I've heard some buzzing…' He flipped the card open and something fell out dropping ignored at his feet as he read the inside, his eyes widening and his face heating up until he knew that he had to be just as red as Gabriel who was biting on his nails anxiously like he had when they were kids.

"I've heard some buzzing, that you've found a bird to sting. Be safe baby bro, kisses Gabe." Castiel intoned, having to clear his voice when it came out cracked and awkward at first. "You have got to be kidding me."

He looked down at his feet, noticing for the first time that what had fallen out was a small, square shiny package labeled 'Trojan'. Castiel groaned and buried his face in his hands, the card crinkling in his grasp as he fought back the hysterical laughter that was threatening to claw its way out of his throat.

"Cas, I just want you to be careful." Gabriel began crossing his arms over his chest and trying to settle his face into a mask of concern. "So just, y'know…use protection or whatever."

"Where do you even find a card like this?!" Castiel spit out letting a giggle escape him before he slapped his hand back over his mouth.

"The internet." Gabriel grumbled, jutting his chin towards the bed where the key lay, attached to its fancy, embossed white plastic fob. "That's a key, to a hotel room at the place where the dance is. I know you and Dean can't really go back to his house if you're gonna…y'know…John. Just, can you give me and Sam some privacy for fucking once? You're not the only Novak who wants to get laid in this house."

"We aren't having sex, Gabe." Castiel said, giving up all pretense of hiding how ridiculous he thought this whole situation was and just laughing until his ribs hurt and his jacket was probably all wrinkled.

"I know that," his older brother groaned putting up a hand to lean heavily against the door.

Gabriel glanced up at Castiel who was still chuckling to himself and smirked before crossing the room and snatching the bow tie that was sticking out of his pocket and looping it around the younger boy's neck. His older brother flipped up the collar of his shirt and started knotting the tie in a self-assured way, which was great because Castiel had no idea how to tie anything but a Windsor knot and had hoped he would have enough time to look up how to fix it before Dean got there.

"I wasn't always the shining example of monogamy that I am now, Cas." Gabriel murmured soothingly. "Did a lot of stupid things, put myself in a lot of dangerous situations because I was sneaking around behind dad's back with guys that didn't care even care what my name was. But when it's with someone you love, it's different. My first time was not with someone I loved, pretty much the opposite. So I just want something better for you, Cas. Just be sure before you do it, they call it a first for a reason. There's no forgetting."

Castiel nodded at his brother, wondering when exactly Gabriel had grown up and managed to get all serious and wise. He wondered if he would ever be able to give advice like that before he swooped down and pulled the shorter man into a tight, brotherly hug. There was a lot of back patting and awkward throat clearing as they pulled apart.

"Thanks, Gabe." Castiel muttered, ruffling his older brother's shaggy hair a bit and pushing away Gabriel's outstretched hand when he tried to do the same.

His brother just flashed that familiar mischievously grin before picking up the hotel key and slipping it into the pocket of Castiel's suit jacket. Then the doorbell rang and the bottom dropped out of Castiel's stomach.

"Relax, Cas. You look fine." Gabriel laughed moving towards the hallway and the stairs and the front door where Dean waited.

* * *

Sam was the one who brought it up and even then it was said a joke, Dean felt like the most inconsiderate person in the world for not thinking of it. First he didn't get Castiel a real gift for his birthday, just a sloppy hand job that Dean enjoyed just as much as the other boy and now he had practically begged Cas to go to a dance with him only to not bother with getting him a corsage or a boutonnière or whatever it was that guys stuck into that buttonhole on their jackets.

So now Dean was running late because he had peeled into the parking lot of the local flower shop, catching the owner just as the man had been locking the doors and pleading for something, fucking anything that he could give Cas to make him not regret going to this stupid dance with him. The older man must have seen something on his face because he had just sighed and beckoned Dean into the store as he quickly put together two small bundles of flowers for the boys to wear, white for Cas and a blue that matched the other boy's suit for Dean.

"You're a lifesaver, mister really." Dean said scrambling to pull his wallet out of the inner pocket of his grey suit jacket so that he could pay any amount he needed to in order to get the flowers, he didn't even care if he had to dip into this month's bill money, he would just work extra shifts at the shop or whatever. He just needed this so that he could show Cas how much he cared.

The second time he had gone down on the other boy, it was because he had been trying to force the words out, even though he knew how insincere it would probably sound if the word love was blurted out hot on the heels of an orgasm. But he figured that would be the best time to say it, Dean always got all sappy about his lovers when they were in bed and he hadn't ever said that to some random girl, but he had made promises he had no intention of keeping, called them special and beautiful even when he didn't mean it.

But now he did, he meant every fucking word that he said to Cas. Every time he called him gorgeous or stunning or talked about how he could stay in Cas's dim room forever as long as they were together. He meant it and it frustrated him to no fucking end that he got choked up and nauseous when he tried to say the one thing he wanted more than anything. Some part of his brain would just start screaming at him to shut up, don't say it because then Cas would leave just like his mom had. So he tried to say it in the only way he knew how, with kisses and touches and caresses that left both of them gasping and sweaty and smiling secretly anytime they looked at each other afterwards.

"Forget about it, kid." The man replied gruffly, shoving two clear plastic boxes across the counter towards Dean. "Just get out already so I can go home."

Dean nodded quickly and cradled the boxes against his chest before dashing back out to the still running Impala where Sam was waiting with that self-satisfied little smirk on his face that made Dean want to put Nair in his shampoo all over again. See how Gabriel liked his little brother when he was bald and not even in a badass Samuel L. Jackson kind of way.

When they pulled up to the Novak house, Dean found that he was suddenly nervous. This was it, he and Castiel were finally going out on a real date, not just grabbing something to eat at the diner before they went back to Dean's apartment or going to movie night together. Dean couldn't remember the last time be had been on an actual date, with like dinner and plans that involved something more than having sex. And yea, he wanted to have sex with Cas. Like really fucking bad, but all of this was different. There were feelings and stuff involved so he wanted it to mean something, for both of them.

"Come on, Romeo," Sam said pushing gently at Dean's shoulder so that his older brother would get moving. "The sooner you get your man, the sooner Gabe and I can watch Sherlock without you judging us for ogling."

"Ogling what?" Dean muttered, forgetting who he was talking to for a second as he adjusted his grey tie in the rearview mirror.

"Gabs and I have types, Dean." Sam replied rolling his eyes and unfolding himself from the vehicle. "And let's just say that show has something for everyone."

"Oh fucking gross, Sam." The older Winchester groused, hustling towards the door his breath ghosting in the cold night air and his dress shoes crunching on the layered, frozen snow.

"You're the one who asked," his brother said with a shrug opening the front door and letting himself inside like he lived there. Dean remained on the door step, shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot. "Are you coming?"

"Um, I know it's weird," Dean said blushing slightly. "But can you like, shut the door? I want to ring the bell. Y'know so it's like a date."

"Whatever, lover-boy." Sam muttered, trying to slap a bitch face on over the amused smile he was wearing, just managing to look constipated as he shut the door soundly in Dean's face.

A couple seconds later the bell rang and Sam was already sitting on the couch in the living room having decided that he was going to wait for one of the Novaks to answer it because it was their house and he really just wanted to see the look on Cas's face when he saw Dean in that suit, actually putting effort into how he looked for another person for once. He knew his brother cleaned up fairly well, Sam had seen him on that spirit day when he had been all giddy about wearing his second hand suit that just made him look like an FBI agent, but it was nothing compared to how he had been preening and primping for the last couple of hours as he waited for Castiel to get out of his meeting.

Outside, Dean just tried not to throw up as he fidgeted with the buttons on his suit jacket, trying to do them up one handed while balancing the boxes of flowers under one arm. At least he wasn't very cold, his tux was much less a tux and more like the fanciest suit he had ever seen. It reminded him of how guys in pre-war England might have dressed and Sam had said that he and Gabriel agreed and they knew a lot more about stuff from that time than he did.

It was varying shades of grey-all the way from his light colored shirt to his dark tie with the pants and jacket falling somewhere in between, which had helped him with his argument to get Castiel to rent the blue tuxedo that made his eyes flash like lightning striking since it wasn't a traditional black either. His own suit though had a vest, which he had almost not gotten since Cas didn't want the cummerbund when Dean had asked him to get it. The smaller boy had said it would just make him feel like he was being eaten by a boa constrictor all tight around his waist, but after seeing how his boyfriend's eyes had gotten wide as he took in the long row of buttons that cinched the vest around his chest Dean had decided that he could deal with being hot once they started dancing as long as those slim fingers that he loved feeling tug on his hair took it off of him later.

He had shaved, going so far as to use the fancy cologne that Ellen had gotten him for his birthday that he had never used, and parted his hair keeping it down with some of the pomade that he didn't think Sam knew about because if he did then his hulking younger brother would probably never stop making fun of him about it. Dean spent about an hour just pacing around the house, looking for an iron to get rid of a wrinkle in his pants that Sam swore he was imagining and changing his socks and boxers like four times because it was really the only thing he was able to choose about what he was wearing. Everything else had come with the rented suit. Except for the cufflinks.

John had been watching Dean get ready from his favorite chair in the living room, nursing just one beer for hours when normally be would already have been halfway gone or out of the house at a bar already. But he was even being nice to Sam, for probably the first time in weeks asking his youngest son how school was going and if he thought the debate team would make it to state again this year. Their father let out a low whistle when Dean had shown him the finished product of his frantic primping and told the boy that he was going to be fighting girls off in that get up. Dean and Sam had shared a pointed look when the older man got up and rushed off to his room, returning a couple of minutes later with a pair of cufflinks that he offered to his oldest son with no explanation besides telling him to be careful, they were worth more than all of their belongings combined.

They were dark silver, looked antique and they were probably something that had belonged to the grandfather on his dad's side that John never talked about. Octagonal in shape with a raised fleur de lis pattern; they reminded Dean of the filigree that had been on the gun he had borrowed from Bobby for his Halloween costume. There was an engraving around the edge of each cufflink, written so small that Dean could barely make it out when he tried to read it, something in a foreign language that he knew wasn't Spanish and was pretty sure wasn't French either so that left him with no one to ask what 'Non timebo mala' meant.

It was the nicest, most fatherly thing that John had done for him in years and Dean almost thought that he could tell him about Cas and it would be fine. That his father would understand that his sons wanted something different than John had once had with their mother, that they were willing to put up with fighting to be happy and that they just wanted John to be happy for them too. But then Sam had opened his big trap, said something about Gabriel probably being able to translate the words for him since he was taking a Latin class this semester and John had closed up, grabbing a six pack out of the fridge and grumbling something about not knowing why he even bothered trying before he went back to his bedroom, slamming the door behind him and not coming out to say anything when the two boys left the apartment.

The door opened right as he was adjusting his tie, again, and instead of it being Castiel like Dean had been expecting it was Anna, looking suitably elegant and timeless in her little housewife cocktail dress that his boyfriend had told him about over the phone when Dean had been taking a break at work, leaning up against one of the cars in the shop and trying to help as Cas shopped for flowers to apologize to Pam. They didn't tell the teacher what they were for and she had just smiled fondly at the purple flowers when they presented them to her on Wednesday morning.

"Dean!" Anna said happily, stepping forward to give him a sisterly kiss on the cheek and offering to take the boxes he was holding from him, which he refused because he wanted to put the flowers on Cas himself and he knew he was being silly, but he didn't really care. "You could've just let yourself in dork. Our house is your house, Cas will be down in a minute. I think Gabe's trying to kick us out of the house so he and Sam can—"

"Yea, I get it." Dean cut in quickly, seeing the older man trump down the stairs with a wary expression on his face as he eyed Dean suspiciously. "What's wrong with you, Gabby? Jealous that you can't look this good in a suit?"

"Yea, that's probably it." Gabriel muttered getting right up into Dean's face and shifting his gaze back and forth between his eyes.

He was standing too close and it was super weird and uncomfortable, but Dean wasn't one to back down from whatever it was that Gabriel was doing, trying to start a fight? What the fuck was up with the Novaks and their issues with personal space? So he stood there, clenching his jaw and staring resolutely back into the older man's hazel eyes that were so different from Cas's, yet so similar with how they shifted colors depending on his mood. Right now they were dark and dangerous and calculating, searching for something in Dean's face that would ease the worry Gabriel couldn't seem to shake for his little brother.

"What the fuck, man?" Dean croaked out, glancing over at Sam who was just sitting on the couch chatting with Anna like nothing weird was going on less than ten feet away from him.

Gabriel just watched him for a moment before nodding to himself and moving to sit beside Sam on the couch. "You're right, Moose. I don't know why I didn't see it before now."

"Right!" Sam exclaimed, gesturing at Dean like he was some prize on a game show. "I mean, look at him. He's so gone, Gabs. You're worrying about nothing."

"Do one of you two yahoos want to tell me what's going on?" Dean huffed, setting the flowers down on the table near the door and popping open the one that contained his so that he could go ahead and try his hand at putting one on in an effort to not look completely clueless in front of his boyfriend.

"Not really," Sam called merrily as Gabriel climbed into his lap, slinging his arms around the larger boy's neck and sticking his tongue out at Anna who made a little mew of distaste.

"It is very annoying when you two do that." A voice said floating down the stairs towards Dean and his head shot up from where he was fumbling with the straight pin that would attach the flowers to his jacket, poking himself hard when he saw Cas.

Dean felt his heart squeeze and he was reminded of that scene in pretty much every 90s teen comedy where the main character spots the boy or girl they are pining after, the edges of his vision going all fuzzy and soft as warmth blossomed in his chest. Amazing didn't even begin to describe how Castiel looked in his tailored blue suit, wearing it like he was born to as he moved gracefully down the stairs to pluck the boutonniere out of Dean's hand and pin it to the lapel of his jacket with self-assured hands that didn't shake or sweat like the larger boy's had started to as soon as the other boy had appeared.

"You look very handsome, Dean." Castiel murmured, glancing up with those wide blue eyes that made Dean feel like he wasn't completely selfish for wanting Cas all to himself.

Anytime they were apart he counted down the time until they would see each other again, even if it was just during the short times when they would be separated during class. It made him feel like a needy fucking girl, but it just felt easier to breathe when the other boy was around and he kept trying not to think about what it would be like when Castiel started getting college acceptance letters in the mail. He would have to be supportive even though Dean knew each one would kill him a bit inside, Cas was just so fucking smart. So much smarter than he was, just like Sam was and they would all leave him behind someday.

But tonight they were together and that was all that mattered for now, Dean would just worry about the rest of it when the time came. When they weren't running late to meeting the rest of their friends at the restaurant that they were already supposed to be at and when Cas wasn't biting his lip and looking at him like all he wanted to do was rip Dean's suit off with his teeth. They would worry about that later.

"Awww," Gabriel cooed, hopping up from Sam's lap and batting at the younger Winchester until he gave the older man his cell phone. "Let me get a picture, you two are so cute!"

"No." Dean and Castiel both said at the same time, not bothering to look away from each other even as Dean fumbled with the rustic looking bundle of white roses and greenery that made up the other boy's boutonniere, cursing his clumsy, callused fingers and trying to will the image of Cas in another suit, standing with him in front of all of their friends saying things that would mean that no one, not even the god he didn't believe in could take them away from each other out of his head before he passed out from how fast his heart was beating.

"Come on," the older man whined, holding up Sam's smart phone that Dean had gotten for the younger boy as an early Christmas present because his brother just wouldn't stop talking about how everyone else had a nice phone but him. "How many pictures do you guys have together? I need one for the mantel."

"He's not going to stop, is he?" Dean asked softly, smirking at the way that Castiel just replied by rolling his eyes and sighing as he wrapped and arm around Dean's waist, rubbing his nose against the larger boy's jaw.

Dean's breath hitched in his chest as he watched the way that Castiel just melted into his side, closing his eyes as he nuzzled up against him, his boyfriend's long, dark eyelashes contrasting starkly against that creamy pale skin.

"Take it, Gabe." Dean said not bothering to look up when a smile broke out on Cas's face at the sound of his voice. "Take your fucking picture."

He heard the click, saw the flash out of the corner of his eye, but none of that mattered because then Cas was tugging him towards the door, calling out a hurried goodbye to Sam and Gabriel, telling Anna he would see her there as she waited around for Kevin to show up to get her. They rushed out to the Impala and Cas let Dean open his door for him, ducking his head bashfully as he climbed in. A million times they had ridden around together- from school, to the nature park to jog, just driving around sometimes talking about nothing in particular, but this car ride felt important, like it was a milestone or something that they were sharing together.

Dean had to tamp down his fear the entire way over to the restaurant because he just wanted to give Cas an out, tell him that if the other boy really wanted to they could skip the dance and just keep driving until they ran out of gas or road, whichever happened first. As long as they were together, everything would stay perfect like this forever.

It was a very childish tactic, ignoring the fact that eventually it would get back to his dad that both of his sons were dating other guys, but avoidance was the only thing Dean knew how to do when people brought up things he didn't want to think about it and it had gone as a sort of unspoken agreement that he and Cas wouldn't talk about his dad until absolutely necessary. Sam was doing the same thing, going home as little as possible in order to avoid arguing with John, but that was only because Dean begged him to stop trying so hard to escape their family, to escape from him. His younger brother had agreed, but not before he got that pitying, knowing look on his face that Dean fucking hated.

Jo was waiting for them outside with a annoyed expression on her face that didn't take away from her stunning, strapless red dress that was revealed when she took off Adam's tuxedo jacket that she had been wearing as she paced around outside until Dean and Cas showed up. It was that fancy Italian place that Dean had never in a million years thought about going to because he liked burgers and Bobby's were better than most of the places around town. Plus they required you to have reservations and made you wear dinner jackets and stuff so it was more than a bit out of his price range.

Dean saw some other couples from school as they made their way through the restaurant, following their friend towards the large table at the back that had been reserved for their big party. Becky and Garth were already there, the girl wearing a white dress that looked disconcertingly like a wedding dress and Ash and Krissy were dressed in matching matte black from head to toe, looking thoroughly bored with everything but each other. Adam waved at them and rolled his eyes as he shrugged back on his jacket, Jo plopping down with an irritated huff next to him.

"They almost didn't seat us," Jo griped to herself because everyone was either too busy looking at the menu or had already heard it before Dean and his date had shown up. "We could've lost the table because our whole party wasn't here, guys. Try to be a little more fucking considerate next time."

"Jo, honey." Adam said softly, ignoring the way that the girl was agitatedly fiddling with her knife in a way that had Dean's mouth going dry. Obviously the younger boy had never seen the pictures of when Jo and her dad used to go hunting back before he died; otherwise he would not be talking right now. "I love you, but shut the fuck up. Everyone is here, we're all going to eat, and then you're going to dance until those stupid shoes make your feet bleed."

"Shoes!" Castiel said loudly beside Dean, ducking his head inexplicably under the table cloth and emerging a couple of moments later with a big smile on his face. "You wore the shoes I got you. He's right though, they are fairly impractical for dancing, Jo."

"How would you know?" Ash piped, tossing a rolled up piece of breadstick at Garth who tried, unsuccessfully to catch it in his mouth. "I thought you didn't dance, dude."

"Cas dances," Dean said confusedly, nudging the smaller boy in his side as he leaned back to unbutton his suit jacket. "Right, babe? We're going to tear up that dance floor."

"I don't dance, Dean." Castiel replied shortly, right before the waiter sidled up to take their orders.

"What do you mean you don't dance? We're going to a dance, it's what you do, dance."

"I know what the word means, darling." His boyfriend muttered sarcastically, glancing apologetically at the waiter who was giving him a dirty look for talking while he was trying to listen to Becky's order. "I'm just saying I don't do it, that's why I didn't want to go."

"Well, you're going to dance with me right?" Dean asked, his voice sounding needy and whiny in a way that he really didn't like. "I'm like the exception to the rule or whatever."

"Probably not," Castiel replied, flashing a wide abashed smile at the young waiter who had moved up silently behind them to take their order. "I'm so sorry, I have no idea what I want. Can you come back to me?"

Dean watched as the attractive, blonde waiter started to frown, but Castiel just looked up at him with that fucking adorable grin and his big, wide innocent blue eyes and the other man smiled instead, glancing over at the larger boy hesitantly before licking his lips and leaning down closer to talk to Cas.

"Of course, handsome. Just call when you're ready, name's Alfie."

When he turned to Dean, the larger boy could only jab an angry finger at the item on the menu that he wanted glaring until the young man walked away with an infuriating little smirk on his face. Dean felt the familiar knot of jealously twisting in his stomach, something that hadn't happened since he had still thought that his boyfriend and Meg were dating.

"I'm sorry, darling." Castiel muttered, putting a hand on the nape of Dean's neck and stroking at the short hair on the back of his head in a comforting way. "I just don't dance."

"Fine," Dean snapped childishly. Part of him knew that he was acting like a big stupid moron, Cas had not been flirting with that waiter, it wasn't his boyfriend's fault that everything he did just oozed charm and sex, but that didn't stop him from wanting to make the other boy jealous right back and now he pretty much had no choice but to."I'll just find someone else to dance with."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, I've decided to cut back on the days I post. It was really hard for me to do, but I'm going to just start posting for Born to Run on Fridays so that I can watch the new season and work and write for other stories before they become sad and neglected. SO, FRIDAYS. Stick with me, I know this one is late already but I solemnly swear the chapters will be up on that day until this monster is over.
> 
>  
> 
> You're all amazing, beautiful angels. The whole f'n lot of you!


	22. Something

Castiel was pretty sure that Dean was mad at him about something, because otherwise why would he be punishing him like this?

He figured that it was about him refusing to dance, but how could Cas explain that he was doing Dean a favor by staying as far away from the dance floor as possible? That his spastic flailing could not be called graceful by any stretch of the imagination and the stares and the whispers had already started as soon as they had walked in the door so why should they make it any worse by having people laughing at them too?

Castiel had asked Jo to explain all of this to Dean during a slow dance, when their frightening friend would have his boyfriend trapped in the middle of the couples spinning on the floor so that he had to listen to her. But so far, Dean had avoided Jo like the plague, asking pretty much every single girl he could reach to dance and causing Cas to feel ill from the jealously roiling in his stomach.

The night had started out fine, even when Dean got all clingy in the restaurant, sitting practically in his lap as they ate and wrapping an arm around his shoulders any time their waiter came by to fill their drinks or see if they needed anything. Maybe the larger boy was freaking out a little bit? Thinking that just because Castiel didn't want to dance that they were going through some sort of rough patch and would break up, that always seemed to be the first place Dean's thoughts went. What if Dean broke up with him first, in an effort to save face or avoid getting hurt? God, he just wished that the other boy would do more than drop a tense kiss on his cheek or his forehead every time he swooped back from the dance floor, smiling and red faced to take a sip of Castiel's drink before disappearing again.

Not that he was left sitting alone, Gilda was there with him in her hunter green dress chatting about school and PFLAG and inviting him to come to a meeting again, saying it was a really good bonding experience for families. He just nodded and bit the inside of his cheek as he watched Dean dip some busty Asian girl in a very revealing dress as they danced, laughing with her as they came back up to spin off somewhere he couldn't see them.

The ballroom in the hotel looked beautiful, probably would have looked even more gorgeous without the badly draped streamers that wrapped around the fairy lights that were part of the room's standard decoration and the sad half-filled balloons that just kind of hung there with their stings limp like it was too much of an effort to float like they were supposed to. It was situated on the second floor of the hotel and had an attached balcony where decorative heaters fought away the mid-December chill and melted the snow that was falling softly into puddles before it even hit the ground.

"I'm just saying, Cas, if you're having a hard time coming out to everyone they can really help you figure out what to say," Gilda went on, fiddling with the straw in her drink and propping her head up in one hand as she watched Kevin and Anna dancing and laughing to a fast song across the room from them.

"My dad knows I'm gay, Gilda. Give it a fucking rest already." He snapped snatching up one of the white, sparkly paper napkins that had been set out on the refreshment table when he went to get drinks for himself and the other girl, ripping it to tiny little bits so that he would have something to do with his hands.

"Jeez," the girl scoffed offended, straightening up like she was about to leave him sitting there by himself like he probably should be so that he wouldn't drown anyone else in the sea of self-pity that was dragging him under. "What is your problem, Cas?"

"My problem," Castiel began, grinding his teeth a bit when he saw that Dean's newest dance partner had a bad habit of letting her hands wander and that his boyfriend wasn't doing anything to stop it. "Is that you don't know the first thing about what it's like to be discriminated against or hated for being homosexual. You walk around with your petitions and your sad little story about not being able to go to a dance with your girlfriend like you are some kind of martyr. But you aren't. You're just another silly high-schooler who is in love with someone who doesn't want them, just like Dean doesn't want me. So I guess we're just fucking perfect together, Gilly. Let's start a club about that."

"What are you talking about?" Gilda asked her expression warring between confused anger and concern because Castiel didn't just talk to people like that, especially not his friends. "I'm not in love with anyone and Dean do—"

"Aren't you?" Cas interrupted, turning away from watching his boyfriend let the tarty girl he was dancing with rub her hands all over him. "You're in love with my sister and you aren't fooling anyone about it. And she's here with your best friend. It's got to hurt, Gilda, pretending to be happy when it's killing you inside to watch them together. To know deep down that you aren't really what they want."

The tears were stinging his eyes and his throat felt raw from trying to stop the hatred that he was spewing at the girl sitting across the table from him, but it felt like the perfect night that he had wanted to have with Dean had been ruined all because he didn't know how to fucking dance. And wasn't that the story of his life, trying to do something meaningful for someone only to have it blow up in his face. Just like it had with Daniel.

"I'm not in love with her," Gilda hissed moving quickly to sit in the chair next to him and picking up his hands that had balled into fists in his lap. "I just like redheads, sue me. And Cas. Cas, look at me goddamnit!"

He looked up from where his gaze had dropped to her hands and where their knees were touching, green against blue. Just like his and Dean's eyes when they were reflected as they kissed or just laid in one of their beds talking and trying to fall asleep but not wanting to stop looking at each other. And he was so scared of driving Dean away by being jealous and stupid, but he would've have just been happy sitting around all night, talking to their friends and making fun of other people dancing and just being together.

"You know Dean loves you right?" Gilda asked softly, her voice carrying no hint of resentment or anger for his having been so cruel to her. "He's told you he loves you, hasn't he? Cas, sweetie, its so obvious that you two were made for each other."

Castiel started crying then, just quiet tears that tracked down his face and dropped off to land on the satin of his lapel, staining it an even darker blue than it had been before. It wasn't happy crying or even relieved crying, he was crying because it couldn't be true. If Dean loved him then he would stop flirting with all of the girls at school who still wanted him and they had talked about how much it bothered him after the whole Cassie incident and yet, here he was doing it again. Was Castiel going to be forced to sit on the sidelines and watch Dean do this for the rest of their lives, why couldn't he just be enough?

"I can't be enough for him, Gilda." Castiel choked out, feeling foolish and self conscious for being so emotional in front of most of the school. The principal was standing near their table giving them a concerned look and she had always scared the shit out of Cas, but now she was probably feeling sorry for him just like everyone else. "I'll never be good enough for Dean. It's just a matter of time before he sees that, sooner or later he'll realize that I'm just a freak who doesn't know how to dance. And I love him, but that isn't enough sometimes, people still hurt you even when you love them."

"You are so dumb, Cas." Gilda said in such a soft and soothing voice that at first he didn't notice what she had actually said, but when he did all Castiel could do was hang his head and nod because he agreed. "If you think for one second that Dean would leave you or cheat on you with any of those girls then you are the biggest moron I have ever met. He doesn't care if you can dance or if you don't think that you're good enough, he fucking loves you. I don't know why he hasn't said it yet, probably because he's as stupid as you are, but that alone means that you're meant to be together if only to save the rest of the world from dealing with your idiot offspring. I swear to god, Cas. You two make me happy I'm a lesbian, if I ever care half as much about someone as you care about Dean, I would tell them every damn day."

Castiel sniffled miserably, rolling his eyes when Gilda offered him what was left of the mangled napkin that he had been ripping up to wipe away his tears. She was right and he knew it, his whole plan for the night had been to tell Dean that he loved him and letting petty jealously get in the way was not going to accomplish anything. He should just drag the other boy out to the balcony or up to the hotel room that Gabriel had rented for him and blurt it out so that he would know, not that it was going to make him want Dean in his life any less if his boyfriend didn't say it back, but knowing that it would eventually end would just help him prepare for the inevitable.

"What's going on, guys?"

Dean walked up looking flushed and happy from the last dance that had just ended, it had been something fast with thumping bass that Castiel wouldn't have thought that the other boy would like because he hadn't and that's probably why he had tuned it out, not noticing that it had ended while he and Gilda had been talking. He hoped that his boyfriend wouldn't be able to tell that he had been crying, but when Cas saw the smile slip off of Dean's face he knew that his eyes were probably all red-rimmed and puffy, giving him away completely.

"Sweetheart?" Dean asked, dropping down in front of Castiel like he had in Pam's classroom after their almost fight with Alistair and his friends. "Baby, what's wrong?"

Castiel opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off by Gilda quickly pushing herself up from her chair and grabbing Dean roughly by the arm.

"No," The angry sounding brunette barked, hauling Dean to his feet and pulling him around to look at her. "You're coming with me and you."

She rounded on Castiel next, jabbing a hostile finger in the area of the room where the DJ was set up, massive headphones in place on his bald head and a bored expression on his face that was illuminated by the sticker-covered laptop he had connected to the sound system.

"You go over there and you tell him to play something slow, something you think you can follow to. Dean knows how to dance, just trust that he'll lead you." Gilda said lowly, glancing over at Dean who had an annoyed look on his face as he tried to hear what she was saying.

"Gilda, I—" Castiel started, intending to protest because even if he stepped on Dean's feet while they were dancing it would still probably not be the worst thing that could happen if he were set loose on the shiny parquet flooring.

"Cas, I'm not tossing with my eyes closed. Just do what I'm saying."

It was the ROTC phrase that made him believe that whatever she was about to say to Dean was for the best. Tossing with your eyes closed was pretty much the worst thing you could do with the heavy mock rifles that the drill team used. Someone could get seriously hurt and Virgil used the saying to describe the kind of trust and camaraderie that you had to have in your fellow cadets in order to stay safe. He trusted Gilda and Kevin and Adam, maybe he should trust that Dean wasn't dancing with his eyes closed either.

He nodded at the girl before heading off in the opposite direction that she was pulling Dean, away from the balcony and deeper into the building. Castiel skirted around the dance floor, eyeing it nervously like it might be quicksand that would suck him in the minute he stepped foot onto it. The thought of being on it with Dean scared him almost more than anything else in his entire life. But then again, telling the other boy he loved him seemed scary at first too, but it was something he just had to do and maybe this was too.

The DJ looked up at his approach, slipping one of the headphones that he was wearing to the side and cocking his exposed ear at Castiel.

"Got a request, bro? I told those chicks that I am not playing anything by Bruno Mars, so if you're looking for me to hate myself it's not going to happen. I have a little bit of self-respect."

"Uh…Can you play something slow?" Castiel yelled over the music pumping out of the speakers next to him. "Something easy to dance to?"

"Romantic or sad?" The man hollered back, nodding his head slightly as his fingers flew over the keys of his laptop.

"Romantic."

"What's your girl's favorite band?"

"The Beatles," Castiel replied smiling to himself a bit, he didn't know a lot by the band which got him a lot of strange looks, but he knew Dean loved the Fab Four with the same ferocity that he loved the King, only probably not in exactly the same way.

"I guess I would be too lucky if her name was Michelle, huh?" The man asked quirking an eyebrow at him and smirking at some joke that Cas didn't understand.

"It's Dean. Listen, just play something by The Beatles."

"Alright, man. Give it about ten minutes and you'll be golden. Hope your date appreciates it."

* * *

"What do you think you're doing, Dean?" Gilda spat once she had dragged Dean outside onto the cold balcony, not appearing to feel the cold air or the snow that was falling even though she was in a silky dark green ball gown.

Her legs were probably pretty warm under all of those layers of ruffles and sequins that Dean didn't understand how she could possibly walk around in, but her shoulders were just covered in the green lace that held up the dress, a thin layer that was a darker shade of green than the rest, almost black in the sparse light that filtered through the glass doorways that separated them from the dance.

"I was _trying_ to find out why my boyfriend was so upset, why Gilda? What should I be doing? I know I shouldn't be out here with you while he's in there crying." Dean said gesturing towards the doors.

"No you should probably be falling down on your fucking knees every day and thanking god that that boy is too crazy about you to realize how much of a self-destructive asshole you can be sometimes. Do you want to know why he's upset, Dean? It's because of you."

"Because of me?" Dean asked feeling horrible all of a sudden for practically ignoring Castiel since they had arrived at the hotel.

"Yes, because you just go and swan off with every bimbo in the room, letting them molest you even though they know you're with Cas now. The whole school knows, Dean, and most of them don't fucking care. You don't have to prove anything to anyone by keeping up with all of that macho bullshit you used to do."

"Castiel didn't want to dance with _me_ ," Dean replied angrily. "I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone. I just wanted to fucking dance with him, it's a fucking dance! It's what you do! I don't think that's asking too much of him."

"He doesn't know how, Dean!"

"Everyone knows how to dance, Gilda!"

"How many dances do you think he's gone to Dean? You do realize that Castiel hasn't been able to take who he wants to a dance pretty much ever," the girl groused, pinching at the bridge of her nose like she had a headache. "God, no wonder Anna and Sam are always talking about how thick you two are. I thought they were kidding, surely two people who are as madly in love with each other as Dean and Cas have no problems communicating. Fucking perfect relationship you two have! Remind me to never ask you for dating advice."

Dean's mouth was dry and his head was spinning, from more than just having been dancing to pretty much every song since they had arrived in an effort to shake off the cloud that had been hanging over him since the restaurant. After seeing that waiter flirting with Cas who was just so amazing oblivious to it all, the familiar fear of the other boy leaving him had started cycling through his head, coming up with all kinds of fantastical and horrible scenarios wherein Castiel realized that Dean had too much to learn about relationships and was too far gone to be rescued by the genuine affection that the other boy showered on him all the time.

But Cas must have said something to Gilda, admitted something to her that he hadn't said to Dean yet because he knew that his boyfriend didn't just go dropping around words like love every day. He wasn't one of those people who used it flippantly to describe potato chips, like Garth or Ash not that Dean doubted for a second his friends' ability to care deeply for a snack food, but it was his mom leaving that made Dean so hesitant himself to throw the word around at every semi-relationship he had had up until that point. He couldn't even say it to his dad, he couldn't even say it to Sam.

"Did Cas say that?" Dean managed to gasp out, shivering from something besides the cold air blowing over the balcony. "Did he say he, y'know…."

"Did he say he loved you?" Gilda asked like the answer should be obvious, so why was he having such a hard time believing that his perfect, amazing boyfriend finally had been the one to say it first. "Dean, are you serious? Of course he loves you, why don't either of you believe me?"

"Did you tell him that I…?"

"Can you just not say it?" the girl asked, tilting her head and furrowing her brow like she was studying a particularly hard math problem. "Like are you physically unable to say it?"

Dean bit his lip and looked off over the Lawrence city skyline, twinkling and illuminated like something out of a Norman Rockwell painting, everything covered in a soft blanket of snow with chimneys cheerfully belching smoke into the night air. It was the perfect night, it was beautiful and he had almost ruined it by making Cas think that he didn't want him, wouldn't always want him. No matter what, even if the other boy did eventually come to his senses and leave him, Dean knew that Cas would be it for him. There would never be anyone else he could love, he would die for Castiel.

"I think I'm going to throw up," Dean said, rushing over to the edge of the balcony and hanging his head over the side.

"You two are real pieces of work," Gilda muttered, moving over to rub soothing circles on his back. "No wonder Jo is always so stressed out all the time. I don't know what made you this way Dean, but he deserves to know. You need to figure out a way to tell him that you love him."

"I've tried, Gilda." Dean admitted, his fingers going numb from gripping the fridge stone barrier around the patio. "Every time I try to say it, it feels like my throat is closing up and I can't breathe. It's killing me. I know he deserves so much better, Cas is just so amazing and strong and beautiful and I'm nothing. Gilda, I'm a fucking asshole. Most days I don't even know what he sees in me."

"I'm sure it's the same thing the rest of us see," Gilda said shrugging and tugging him gently back towards the door. "You're not a bad person, Dean. You take care of Sam and you stick up for your friends and the things you believe in. You're so self-sacrificing that it's painful to watch sometimes and you do whatever you can to help people. No one is perfect and Cas knows that, in fact, I think that's a bit of what he loves about you. That you're real. You just need to get over this whole knight in jaded armor thing, you and Cas were made for each other. Trust me."

They meandered back over to the large round table that the gang had claimed as their own for the night, the girls abandoning their purses there since Cas had been watching over them all evening and the boys steadily losing their suit jackets as the room had warmed up from the body heat of the assembled students. Jo and Adam were sitting there with Cas who was wringing his hands and watching the dancing couples nervously.

"C'mon, Adam." Jo whined propping her foot in its precariously high stiletto up on her boyfriend's lap. "My feet are killing me, help me get them off."

"I told you," Adam muttered, struggling with the thin straps and nudging Dean's boyfriend in the arm as Gilda walked up with him in tow. "Maybe I should just find a boyfriend too, and then I wouldn't have to deal with all of this girly shit.

Dean watched as Castiel jumped a bit at the contact, forcing a smile on his face as Jo sighed appreciatively once the first shoe clattered to the floor. His boyfriend looked up at him then and those blue eyes; they just did Dean in every time, made him feel like they were the only two people in the room and like he could drown in them and be completely fine with it.

"I'm so sorry, sweetheart," Dean began as the other boy stood up, he caught Castiel's hand in one of his own and turned it palm up, running his fingers over the smooth skin reverently. "I didn't know—"

"Will you dance with me, Dean?" Castiel asked softly, stopping the larger boy by placing his other hand on Dean's waist.

"You don't have to, babe." Dean replied, shaking his head a bit and feeling like even more of a jerk for making Cas think that he had to do something that he wasn't comfortable doing, he was always pushing too hard and he knew that eventually it would be what drove the other boy away.

"I want to," Cas said, stepping close and kissing Dean's cheek causing the larger boy to shiver from the barely there touch of the other boy's lips. "You'll have to lead though and I may step on your feet so I'm going to apologize in advance for that."

"Are you sure?" Dean asked glancing over at the crush of people who were bouncing and swaying to some fast song off the radio that he only vaguely knew.

"Yea," Castiel said holding on to Dean as he approached the dance floor like it was lava, toeing it carefully before fully stepping on to it and letting out a heavy breath. "The DJ should be playing our song in just a minute; you might as well go ahead show me what I need to do."

Dean had started thinking of a couple of songs as 'their song' which he knew was really cheesy and girly, but it also made him smile anytime he heard any version of 'Call Me Maybe' or when he would fast forward on the tape that Cas had made for him in Bobby's shop so that that last song played, the one that Dean had used to tell Castiel how much he liked him that night they had first kissed. He hoped that was the one that Cas had asked the DJ to play because it was slow and it was really long and it would give him an excuse to hold the other boy close like Dean knew he wanted to forever.

* * *

When Naomi saw Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak step out on to the dance floor, she was more than a little surprised. All night she had been watching the two boys, keeping an eye on them and Gilda while Pam and Virgil supervised Alistair and all of his rowdy football friends who had set up at a couple of tables across the room from the boys they had been threatening all week. Castiel didn't seem all that interested in dancing and she just thought that maybe he was nervous about being the center of attention; given his past history with bullying at his old school she didn't exactly blame him.

She had watched the little drama unfold between Gilda DuPont and the older boy, keeping her distance as they talked so that she couldn't hear what they were saying, but staying close in case she needed to intervene when he started getting upset. Naomi didn't feel sorry for him, in fact she was extremely proud that one of her students could come back from everything that Castiel had been through, the bullying and the suicide attempt and all of the custody problems going on between his brother and their father, and still manage to stand up against intolerance at his new school when he had every reason to be a neurotic mess about confrontation.

So when she saw the boys start to nervously situate themselves for a dance together, laughing when they couldn't figure out where to put their hands and Dean talking to Castiel softly as the other boy stared down at their feet, biting his lip with a look of concentration on his face, Naomi decided to hunt down Chuck and cash in on that dance that he owed her. She made a slow circuit of the ball room, stopping to ask Pam and Virgil if they had seen him and feeling fifty different kinds of disappointed when Uriel was eventually the one who pointed her in the direction of the hotel bar with a disgusted look on his face.

Chuck was hunched over at the bar, scribbling furiously on a napkin and muttering to himself between little sips of the whiskey that he was drinking. Naomi saw that his flask was sitting next to him and all she wanted to do when she saw it was throw it through the floor to ceiling windows that lined one wall of the bar and faced the snowy skyline. Chuck straightened up when he noticed her approach, running a hand over his face and blinking at her with wide, glazed over blue eyes and a goofy smile on his face as he swayed slightly on the bar stool he was sitting on.

"I was going to ask you to dance, but I doubt you can even stand." Naomi said drily in an effort to disguise her disappointment. She tried to glance over at what he had been writing, but the man quickly covered it up with his hand. "Do I need to call you a cab, Chuck?"

Chuck shook his head vigorously, shoving the napkin in his pocket as he stood up stumbling a bit so that Naomi had to catch him lest he fall over. He frowned to himself and looked up the couple of inches separating them due to her heels and let a sheepish smile settle onto his face.

"I'm shorry, Naomi." Chuck slurred, leaning into her with his arm around her waist as she led him towards the elevator, intending to take him home because it's not like she hadn't done it a million times before.

"What are you sorry for?"

"I was nervush," Chuck mumbled into her hair. "About dancing with you. I was trying to find shum courage."

"The bottom of a bottle is a shit place to look for it, honey." Naomi replied trying to keep the hurt and anger out of her voice.

"I know," the man agreed tightening his hold on her waist when they started walking out to her car which was next to Chuck's own gas-guzzling Toyota. "I just don't know how else to do it. Writing and alcohol, it's all I've got."

"You've got more than that, you big fucking moron." Naomi muttered, dropping him heavily into her passenger set and leaning over him to buckle his seat belt, his face close enough that if he wasn't drunk she probably would have just broken down and kissed him. But if he wasn't drunk they wouldn't be this close to begin with.

The only times Chuck ever touched her was when he had been drinking and she was supporting him as she carried him out of another bar or into his apartment that was stacked full of piles of books that she had to maneuver him around in order to get him to his bedroom. And she shouldn't find his obsessive, messy personal library adorable, Naomi knew that she was just replacing her need to take care of Scott with her need to take care of Chuck, but she did, she wanted to be so familiar with her coworker's apartment that she could traverse the stacked hardbacks in the dark or blindfolded. She wanted to integrate herself so far into the other man's life that people wouldn't know where she stopped and Chuck began.

But it wasn't going to happen tonight, so she bit her tongue when her friend took her hand on the drive over to his apartment because she knew that to him it was just a way of connecting with someone, looking for the contact that he hadn't had since Rebecca had left and it could be anyone because she had seen him buddying up to random strangers in bars when she picked him up, quoting Hemingway and Bukowski like they were his comrades in drinking away the pain. She thought back to the dance and Dean and Castiel and wished for probably the millionth time that Chuck had even half as much courage as a highschooler.

* * *

When the fast song ended, most of the couples left the dance floor and Castiel cursed the rest of his classmates for being cowards just like him when it came to slow dancing. Most of the evening the floor had only been half full of swaying, spinning couples when a slow song played and even though Dean had danced every single one of them with some girl or another, his boyfriend seemed more enthusiastic about getting his feet trampled dancing with Cas than he had all night. He let the other boy pull him towards the center of the dance floor in between songs, marveling at how the fairy lights still managed to pick up the freckles and the vibrant green of Dean's eyes.

The larger boy's arms settled around his waist and pulled him close so that Castiel could drape his arms around Dean's neck. They had figured out that this would probably be the best way to dance together, that way Dean could still lead and Cas wouldn't be tempted to look down at his feet every five seconds if there was no room between them. It didn't hurt that having Dean pressed up against him helped calm the nervous muttering inside his skull that was telling him this was a bad idea, he was going to embarrass the both of them somehow he was sure of it.

Castiel looked over at the DJ and the man gave him a thumbs up just as the opening riffs of the song started, a bluesy sounding trill that made Dean chuckle softly when the other boy heard it.

"You asked for this song?" Dean asked, moving so that their foreheads were pressed together as the larger boy started to sway them softly in time with the music using a gentle guiding pressure on his waist.

"I asked him to play something by The Beatles, I know you like them." Castiel murmured, focusing on the way Dean's eyes flittered over his face and letting himself get lost in how the other boy 's hands felt on him and made dancing together so much more wonderful than he had thought it could be.

_Something in the way she moves, attracts me like no other lover…_

Dean smiled and moved so that Castiel's head was on his chest and he rested his cheek in the other boy's hair, noticing for the first time how many people were staring at them. Some had expressions of open hostility on their faces, but most just looked curious and a lot of the girls that he had been dancing with all night were watching them with dreamy eyes.

_Something in the way she woos me, I don't want to leave her now…_

"Dean?" Castiel asked causing the other boy to hum above him. "This song is called 'Something' isn't it?"

The larger boy just laughed softly above him and pressed a kiss into his hair with a sigh. "Only you could know so much about music, but be clueless about The Beatles, sweetheart."

"Well, I guess you'll just have to explain their allure to me because I just don't get it." Castiel replied.

Dean shushed the other boy as the realization hit him, this was it. This was how he could tell Castiel that he loved him, by using someone else's words just like he had the night of Meg's Halloween party. So much of their relationship already revolved around music and using it to tell each other how they were feeling since they were both so hopeless with communicating emotions.

So Dean started singing, he knew all of the words to every Beatles song, had loved them ever since his mom had sung him to sleep with 'Hey Jude' when he was a kid and his boyfriend had unknowingly asked for the one song that addressed his hopes and fears for their relationship and it would explain his feelings so much better than anything he could come up with.

"Somewhere in her smile she knows that I don't need no other lover," he sang softly, trying to pour significance into the words that had been written before he was even born. "Something in her style that shows me I don't want to leave her now. You know I believe and how."

He saw a few other couples join them on the dance floor as he sang, smiling when he realized that Adam and Garth were dancing together looking stiff and awkward right in front of the table where Alistair and Azazel were sitting with the Sheriff standing sternly next to them. Gilda and Anna were dancing together with Ash and Kevin doing exaggerated dips and spins close by. Jo and Becky were watching him and Cas with matching teary eyed expressions on their faces, barely even pretending to dance just kind of shuffling from side to side because they were so busy starring.

The next part was the important bit and Dean knew that so he brought one of his hands up from Cas's waist so that he could cup the other boy's jaw and look him in the eyes as he sang it.

"You're asking me, will my love grow? I don't know, I don't know." He didn't know, honestly. Dean didn't know if he could ever love Cas anymore than he already did and he just hoped that his boyfriend understood that that's what he was trying to say.

Dean wasn't a bad singer, at all and by comparison Castiel felt pretty much tone deaf. The other boy's voice as he sang was soothing and it made him forget that there was a fairly large group of footballers nearby who wanted nothing more than to kick his and Dean's ass. When his boyfriend brought his face up to sing to him about love, the fierce look of sincerity on the other boy's face made his knees shaky and his breath catch in his chest.

Castiel felt like everything around him had gotten all white and fuzzy and distant, the only things that mattered being him and Dean and the music and how they felt as they moved around the dance floor together. It was his movie moment, the one he had been wanting with Dean during football season only now it was so much better because Dean loved him.

Dean Winchester loved him.

He swallowed hard and moved his own hand up from Dean's back to pull his boyfriend's face closer to his own; stroking his thumb over his boyfriend's racing pulse point at the base of his throat as his fingers worked their way into the larger boy's short hair.

"I love you too, Dean." Castiel breathed.

Dean's smile was like a supernova, like a bomb going off, like puppies and warm brownies and everything that was right with the world all rolled up into one, shimmering ecstatic package that made Castiel thankful for every horrible, terrible thing that had ever happened to him because it had all brought him to this moment, to this person who loved him.

Dean didn't know if he would ever just be able to say it, but he hoped that one day he could. That one day he could just walk up to Cas, take him by surprise as he wrapped his arms around and tell him in his own words how much he adored him, how thankful he was that the other boy wanted to be with him. How he would do anything for him, protect him forever from everything that had ever or could ever hurt him again. He would get there, it wasn't going to happen overnight, but Dean knew that eventually he would get there.

* * *

Ash knew that Cas probably hadn't meant to let it slip that his older brother had shelled out for a hotel room for the night. But it was too good of an opportunity to pass up, so as soon as the dance started getting boring he made the suggestion to Dean and Garth that they should make an alcohol run and take the party upstairs.

Garth declined going, saying that his fake ID never worked for him anyway and he would just blow their cover when they tried to buy alcohol from that liquor store that always employed apathetic, stoners from the college. So Ash pried his friend away from where he had gotten surgically attached to Castiel at some point over the evening and made Dean drive them across town to get beer.

He took the opportunity to study his friend while they were alone, giving him a once over from head to toe to try to figure out how serious Dean was about everything he was doing with Cas. How far exactly was Dean willing to go before the other boy decided it was too hard to fight for this relationship, that it was going to cost him too much to try to hold on to his family and Cas too?

Ash was smart, he could see the paths that each of the people in their group were laid out on and examine the different variables that may change who they would eventually become. For example, if Jo was stupid and got herself knocked up by Adam then she would end up stuck in Lawrence for the rest of her life, settling when she could eventually end up the CEO of some big corporation somewhere. And if Adam fucked off and went to play soldier somewhere then it would give their friend the opportunity to do something with her life besides wait around for the younger boy to grow up.

But Ash kept those opinions to himself, he was a scientist at heart; curious to see how everything would pan out so he couldn't interfere or it would ruin the whole experiment.

With Dean and Cas, it all became blurry though. Their paths kinda faded out for him when Ash started thinking in the long term and he didn't know what that meant, it scared him just a little bit. Tonight felt like one of those turning points though, one of the little decisions that his friends made that caused the thick black lines in this head that illustrated their lives as they converged and intersected and parted again to stretch a little farther and show him a little bit more about where their futures could be going.

When they trundled back into the Impala after hitting up the liquor store, Dean carting two large cases of beer and Ash lugging a couple of brown paper shopping bags that had chips and licorice and other assorted party foods, Ash decided that he could interfere about this one little thing. He figured if he did it in a mostly impassive way then it wouldn't throw his two friends too terribly far off of where they were going to end up.

"Dude," Ash said tilting the bag in his lap towards Dean as the larger boy got back behind the steering wheel of the large black car and checked his phone which had just chimed out that he had a text message. "I got you something."

"Oh," Dean glanced up, smirking at the message that was probably from Castiel if the goofy expression on the larger boy's face was anything to go by. He shoved a hand into one of the bags and rummaged around blindly for a minute, coming up with a plastic wrapped issue of Busty Asian Babes that Dean just cocked an eyebrow at. "Well…uh…thanks Ash, but y'know…um…not that I don't appreciate a rack anymore, but um…right now…that's not really…what I'm in to?"

"Yea, dude I know." Ash said snatching the magazine out of Dean's hand and shoving it back in the bag, digging his own arm deep into the bottom to pull out the things that he had gotten for his friend. Stuff that he knew Dean probably hadn't thought about needing even though the guy had had more sex than anyone else he knew. "Here man."

Dean stared dumbly at the package of condoms and bottle of lube that his friend had thrown into his lap.

"Ash, what the hell? Is this like you giving me your blessing to get laid or something?" Dean asked trying to not sound panicked even though Ash could hear it in the other boy's voice.

"Just don't make a big deal out of it man," Ash drawled pulling out his own phone and gesturing with his chin towards the road. "I figured you wouldn't be completely over the whole gay for Cas thing until you knew the guy loved you. And he said it, you said it. Congrats you love each other, now just go bang it out somewhere already. Jesus."

The other boy just cleared his throat and smiled to himself a bit before heading back towards the hotel, but Ash could sense it. He had always been able to tell when Dean was getting trapped in his own head because the other boy got all huffy and the gloom just rolled off of him in waves that were suffocating. It wasn't until they were back at the hotel that Dean finally spoke again and all Ash could do was roll his eyes at how easy to read his friend was sometimes.

"Do you think Cas wants to…y'know?" Dean asked awkwardly, shifting in his seat and loosening his tie like it was choking him.

"Dude, if you want to then I'm pretty sure he wants to." Ash replied, climbing out of the car and adjusting his jacket around himself against the cold. "And the guy got a hotel room; if that's not enough of a hint I don't know what is."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, so yes. There will in all likelihood be sexy times in the next chapter, so just if you don't want to read it I'm giving you a week's notice that it's going to be happening. Also many thanks to all of the people commenting, seriously you make my heart beat all wonky and wonderfully anytime I get amazing feedback. Keep it coming as I struggle to write the first major slash scene of my life over the next week.


	23. Tear You Apart

As a rule, Dean didn't talk to Becky about the stories she wrote. He avoided any references to Buffy or vampires or watches because even that eventually got back around to Watchers and Spike giving Giles blowjobs in a mausoleum while the rest of the Buffy crew was running around staking baddies. The whole gay aspect had never bothered him and now that it actually had some relevance to his life he kind of regretted marking all of her emails as spam for the last six years.

So it was after he and Ash made it back to the hotel room with all of the alcohol and snacks, skirting the lobby and the eagle-eyed desk clerk who lived there and taking the elevator up to the room that Castiel had on the seventh floor, that Dean took a deep breath and steeled himself for what was bound to be the most awkward conversation of his life. Becky and Garth were standing off in a corner, laughing at Adam who Jo had wrangled into rubbing her feet on the green couch that the hotel had placed in front of the king sized bed.

"Hey...uh, Becks?" Dean said sidling up to the pair with his hands shoved deep into the pockets of his dress pants after he set Castiel up with a drink before leaving him on the balcony talking to Gilda and Kevin. "Garth, man can I borrow her for a little bit?"

Garth was clutching on to his side and wheezing from trying to hold back his giggles caused by the unhappy look on Adam's face. "Take her, Dean. Just make sure I get her back because I am so happy I got the sane one out of all of these chicks."

That was the first time that Dean thought he had heard Becky be called anything but nuts so he figured his friend was probably finally past his unrequited crush on Jo if he was actually happy with the mousy senior who used to trail after them in the hallways with a star-struck look on their face. He pulled the girl over to one of the chairs that was situated near the bed and perched himself on the mattress across from her, striping off his jacket and tossing it behind him as he tried to think of how to ask the other girl the questions he had.

"Becks," Dean began wringing his hands and biting his lip because he could already feel the blush starting and the room seemed a million degrees hotter than it had when he first walked in. "This is so fucking weird, but...um...I need you to tell me about your fan fiction."

"Are you making fun of me, Dean?" Becky asked, the happy smile she had been wearing disappearing off of her face like it had never been there. She crossed her arms over her chest and he could physically see her clamming up in the same way that Castiel used to do when he tried to talk to his boyfriend about his family.

"No!" He blurted putting his hands on her shoulders and trying to fight back the embarrassment he was feeling. "I just...I've never read it and I'm curious about the stuff you've written, that's all. I want you to tell me about it, about um the...slash part of it..."

The other girl narrowed her eyes at him shrewdly and pursued her lips as she studied his face. Dean felt cold air hit the back of his neck and turned around to see Anna stepping outside on to the patio, bundled up in a tuxedo jacket that she had borrowed from someone and moving to put and arm around Kevin's waist as the younger boy told a story that had Castiel throwing his head back with a wide smile on his face as his familiar laughter filtered through the glass to reach the spot where Dean was sitting with Becky. He sighed a bit as he watched his boyfriend being happy and carefree with their friends and Dean didn't want to ruin the evening that he had only just managed to salvage by being completely clueless about whatever it was Cas wanted to do in bed. Castiel loved him and Dean was supposed to be the one who knew what he was doing.

"Oh," Becky said softly behind him, causing Dean to turn around quickly as his heart shot up to his throat. "So you and Cas...you haven't...oh, shit Dean. I don't know how much help anything I've written will be."

"It's gotta be better than nothing, Becks." Dean said softly hoping he didn't sound too desperate, had he stopped to think about it beforehand he would've looked something up online or even swallowed his pride and asked Sam what he should be doing as mortifying as it would be to ask his younger brother for advice about sex. "I literally have no experience with that kind of thing. Cas and I...we've just sort of been making it up as we go."

"That's like 90% of having sex, Dean." Becky replied seriously, pulling her phone out from a pocket that was somehow hidden in the folds of her sliky, white halter dress. "Okay, where do we need to start? What have you done?"

"That's like really personal, Becky." Dean murmured tugging at his tie until it was mostly undone around his neck.

"Oh-kay, so should I just assume that you're looking for advice on how to do the big IT? The rest is probably nothing you haven't done before, right?"

"Yea, big IT." Dean replied, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees.

"Well the first thing you need to know is..."

* * *

Castiel was willing to humor his friends for a while, it had been his own fault for telling Ash that he had a room when the other boy had been musing to him about using the credit card he had stolen from his dad to get a hotel room where they all could go party together as the dance started to wind down. The night had gotten so much better after that first dance and Dean telling him he loved him and Castiel felt like he was floating on a cloud, he probably would've agreed to just about anything.

He had come in from the cold balcony to find Dean and Becky having what looked to be an intense conversation over near the bed so he had taken up a spot on the couch next to Jo and Adam who were cuddled up together looking tired and idly flipping through the millions of channels on the hotel television. Castiel hadn't seen Ash or Krissy in a while and just assumed that they were off somewhere making out because it wouldn't be the first time the couple had disappeared without telling anyone where they went.

Castiel decided to turn a blind eye to the fact that his younger sister was cuddling up close to Kevin Tran ignoring all of his brotherly instincts which were irrationally telling him to punch the younger boy in the face. Anna was also allowed to have one beer without him telling Gabriel. The girl had already tried it and declared that it was disgusting before dragging Kevin off to find a vending machine somewhere so she could get a soda.

Gilda had come in and started playing a drinking game with Garth that she was sure to win because the other boy was a complete lightweight when it came to alcohol and Cas was nursing one beer all to himself because he didn't really like the taste either and all he truly wanted was for Dean to come sit with him so that he could just get wrapped up in the other boy and continue to bask in the glow of this amazing person who loved him.

Dean loved him.

It was still wholly unbelievable and surreal and none of it felt real, but when Cas took the time to think about it he decided he deserved this. After everything that he had been through with his father and Daniel why should it be so hard to believe that someone could find something in him to love? He just needed to keep hearing it and saying it to Dean so that the other boy didn't get freaked out when all their friends left and the two of them were alone with nothing but their feelings for each other.

He glanced up from where Jo and Adam were currently alternating back and forth between some show about a huge, dysfunctional family from England and a documentary about the Civil War to see Dean hovering near him, still in his vest with the top couple of buttons on his dress shirt undone and a shell-shocked look on his face. Castiel smiled at the other boy and patted the narrow space left beside him on the couch that wasn't taken up by the other couple.

"I think I broke him," Becky said sliding up behind Garth and wrapping an arm around the teetering boy's shoulders.

Castiel just shot his friend a confused look and the girl shrugged before hoisting Garth to his feet and placing a loud smacking kiss on his cheek. Dean dropped heavily into his lap and nudged at Jo's thigh with his foot until the girl scooted over with a grumpy little noise of protest. The larger boy wrapped his arms around Cas's neck and this was nice, but Castiel knew that if they were alone that amazing looking vest would already have been stripped off the other boy and cast off somewhere in the room never to be seen again.

"I _want_ brain bleach," Dean murmured settling his face into the crook of Cas's neck with a resigned sounding sigh. "But I can't have it, Cas. Baby, you wouldn't believe the sacrifices I make for you."

"Why don't you tell me about it, darling?" Castiel said putting his arms around Dean's waist and pulling the larger boy close.

"Mm-mmh," Dean mumbled against his skin, placing a soft kiss on his jaw causing goosebumps to break out over the smaller boy's skin even though he had already warmed up from his time outside on the balcony with their friends. "I could show you...later."

Castiel swallowed hard and thought back to the condom from Gabriel that he had put into his wallet, almost as an afterthought before he had gone down the stairs in his house to find Dean looking timeless and amazing in his rented suit. He hadn't really thought about it while he was sitting there watching Dean dance with other girls, mostly because he had been too upset, but after their dance when his boyfriend had started kissing him and touching him and generally showering him with affection the image of the small foil wrapped package had kept flittering to the forefront of his mind.

"Hmmm," Castiel hummed mostly because it was the only noise he thought that he could make that wouldn't come out all cracked and prepubescent sounding. He tried clearing his throat, but nope, that wasn't going to help anything either so instead of speaking he just nodded slightly and tired to think of anything else but Dean naked because getting an erection in front of all of his friends was not on his list of things to do tonight.

Dean just kept kissing his jaw though and it was distracting and wonderful. Castiel was tempted to tell all of their friends to just fuck off already because his fingers were twitching with the urge to take Dean's clothes off and he had to reach up and undo his bowtie so that he could breathe because hot under the collar may be just a phrase to some people, but Dean had put a hand on his chest and was rubbing across his collarbones through his shirt and he really needed to take his jacket off now.

He pushed gently at Dean's hips until the other boy got off of him and Castiel moved over to the bed where he took off his jacket, laying it on top of his boyfriend's that was already there and stuffing his bowtie into the pocket so that he wouldn't lose it. Cas kept his back to the room for a moment and tried to take back control of his body by breathing deeply and mentally taking apart and cleaning a rifle in his head so that he didn't do something embarrassing.

"I think we're gonna head out," Jo said with a yawn, shaking Adam gently where he had drifted off to sleep on the couch.

"Yea," Gilda agreed getting up and adjusting her dress with a sight grimace. "I am so ready to get this thing off and then I have to find Anna, she's supposed to be staying the night at my place tonight."

"We'll help you look for her," Garth piped imperiously, raising his fist in the air like he was about to go fight crime or something. "Damsels in distress, that's kinda my schtick."

"Moron," Becky muttered smiling up at him and shaking her head in an endeared way.

"Okay, just let me go to the bathroom first." Gilda said striding across the room and starting to open the door to the ensuite as she spoke. However as soon as she started to enter the junior was stumbling back, falling in an undignified heap on the floor with her dress puddled around her on the floor and covering her eyes dramatically. "Oh, god! Sex! There is sex in the there, right now! Hetero-sex! Ugh, more penis than I ever wanted to see ever!"

"Dude, some warning!" Ash's voice drawled out of the small room as he stumbled out, quickly pulling his clothes back on and wiping at the red smears of Krissy's lipstick that were on his cheeks and around his mouth. "Knock, Gilda. It's called knocking."

"It's called get your own hotel room." Gilda complained from the floor as Adam and Garth helped her climb back to her feet. "Or didn't you hear Pam's sex lecture this week like the rest of us?"

"Ash, really?" Castiel said irritated as Krissy emerged behind her boyfriend looking ruffled and embarrassed. "Didn't you think if anyone were going to have sex in this room it should be me!?"

"Dude," Ash replied putting his hands up apologetically. "I thought Dean was going to chicken out, but congrats. Sorry I knocked boots in your bathroom."

"Krissy isn't even wearing boots!" He said gesturing towards the girl who was slinking past the other boy towards her handbag that was near the door to the hotel room.

"Not the point, babe." Dean muttered behind him, giving Ash a smoldering look as the other boy just shrugged and looked around at everyone moving towards the door with a confused expression on his face.

"Did I ruin the party?"

"Ash, let's just go," Krissy hissed, catching his arm and mouthing 'sorry' at Dean and Castiel as she hauled her boyfriend towards the door.

"Dude, it's like biology or whatever." Ash said still speaking and walking backwards as he followed the rest of their friends out the door of the hotel room. "Plus, look at her. Can you blame me?"

"Shut up!" his girlfriend said covering her face with her hands and stalking out behind Gilda who was muttering about wanting to rip her eyes out.

"Okay guys, just uh...be safe and have fun and Dean, bro remember no glove, no love." Ash said clapping his hands together briskly and shutting the door with a soft click.

The silence was thick around them and Castiel took a moment to go over everything that had just happened, puzzling over the things that Ash had said about Dean and sex. Is that what Dean wanted to happen tonight? Because if the way his heart was beating crazy hard in his chest he didn't know if he would be entirely ready for something like that, but then again he trusted Dean. He loved Dean and if his fantasies lately were anything to go by then he definitely wasn't completely opposed to the idea of having sex with the other boy either.

"Cas?" Dean said softly behind him causing him to turn so he could face the larger boy. "Um...did you get a hotel room so that we...could..."

"Have sex." Castiel finished and it came out just as high pitched and awkward as he had been worried that it would so he cleared his throat and tried again. "Gabriel got the room for me so he and your brother could be alone, but um...I can't say that the thought hasn't crossed my mind."

"Well," Dean said lowly as he moved to wrap his arms around Cas's waist, tugging him close until they were pressed flush against each other and the smaller boy could feel the other boy's breath ghosting over his face and neck. "If anyone's going to have sex in this room, it should be you right?"

"I will admit that was rather dramatic," Castiel murmured, leaning up to place a hesitant, close mouthed kiss on Dean's lips.

"Adorable," Dean replied bringing a hand up to the back of his neck and tilting his head until they were at a cross angle from each other and could kiss in earnest.

Castiel felt his boyfriend suck gently on his lower lip and brush his tongue over the crease of his mouth, begging entrance from him in a way that Dean normally wouldn't do when the larger boy would have usually just been kissing him hard and desperate as a means to an end before they got interrupted or one of them had to go home. It was slower and sweeter in a way that he had been waiting for; they had time now when before it seemed like there was never enough.

He parted his lips to allow Dean's tongue into his mouth and twined his own around the larger boy's in an effort to explore the entirety of the other boy so that he could commit it to memory. They had kissed a million times, but each time it felt new and exciting and he discovered another thing that Dean liked or he liked, it would never get old. Kissing Dean for the rest of his life just felt like the most logical way of forever mapping out this fantastic person that he had ended up with by some unbelievable miracle.

Cas gripped the back of Dean's vest and pulled him towards the bed, stumbling backwards over his own feet and ending up almost sprawled out on the floor in his attempt to seem like he knew what he was doing. Dean started kissing down his neck and fumbling with the buttons on his shirt and Cas was kicking his shoes off as the other boy gently pushed him into a sitting position on the edge of the bed before pulling back from the kiss, panting slightly and flushed.

"So...we're doing this?" Dean asked, biting his lip as he cradled Castiel's jaw in his warm, callused hands and searched his face. "Are you sure, babe?"

What was he supposed to say to that? What teenager didn't want to have sex? The only real hesitance that Castiel had had already gone out the window when Dean had told him he loved him during the dance, but that didn't mean that he wasn't scared. He knew it was going to hurt, probably less so for him than it would for Dean because Cas had at least touched himself before, but that wasn't even it.

What if they started this and then Dean decided he didn't want him anymore? Or if it just opened up a whole new faction of people who Dean would flirt with in front of him while he sat on the sidelines? What if this changed them somehow? Sex was like this unknown variable in their relationship, but it was the natural progress of what they had already been doing so they were going to get to it eventually, he should just get out of his head and try to enjoy his first time.

So instead of answering he just reached out and started undoing the buttons on Dean's vest, reveling in how the other boy's breathing quickened when Castiel pushed him back into a standing position and started untucking his dress shirt from the grey slacks of his suit. His hands went to the larger boy's belt next and Castiel had no intention of letting Dean stop him again when he just wanted to see his boyfriend's eyes go all wide when he finally got to put the practical knowledge that Dean had demonstrated on him into use.

"I need to go to my car, Cas." Dean said pulling back from the other boy's shaking hands and cursing himself for leaving the things Ash had bought for him in the Impala. He hadn't wanted to seem too eager, to make Cas feel like he _had_ to just because Dean wanted to. "Just...don't go anywhere. I swear, I'll be right back."

It was so hard to tear himself away from the other boy who was sitting on the edge of the bed in his blue slacks with his white button down gaping open revealing the taunt muscles of his chest and abdomen, but Becky said if nothing else lube was essential so he didn't hurt Cas. Dean raced down to his car as quickly as possible, ignoring the desk clerk who yelled at him not to run and ripped the bottle of lube out of its box along with a handful of condoms that he quickly shoved into the pockets of his pants before speed-walking back to the elevator.

He almost punched the shiny metal and mirror interior of the box when it stopped on the fourth floor to let someone else on, but since it was Virgil looking weirdly younger with a smile on his face and wine colored lipstick stains on the collar of his dress shirt Dean just straightened up when his teacher stepped into the elevator with him and tried to not think about how awkward this all was. Virgil gave him a once over with a knowing look on his face and the both of them just stared resolutely at their distorted faces reflected back at them from the metal doorway in front of them.

"Having a good night?" Virgil asked as the elevator inched up through the fifth and sixth floors at the slowest pace ever.

"Yea," Dean choked out, slightly grateful that he and Cas hadn't been kissing for very long because the stubble burn he got from the other boy always gave them away when they were around other people after getting hot and heavy together.

"Where's Novak?"

"Um...in the room." Dean mumbled as quietly as possible, wincing away from the judgmental look that he was sure the other man was going to give him.

"Oh, well..."Virgirl cleared his throat uncomfortably and reached out to press the button for the second floor again, like it was going to make the elevator move any faster so they could end this uncomfortable exchange. "Just...once you get there, stay there. Alright?"

"Yes, sir." Dean muttered slightly confused by the worried tone in the other man's voice. "Is something going on?"

"Something with Uriel's golden boys. I thought you two were involved, but since you aren't just try to keep to yourselves for the rest of the night, okay?"

The elevator pinged at the seventh floor when the doors opened and Dean stepped out with a loud exhale and a parting nod at the older man. He probably wasn't going to tell Castiel about that, it was just too weird and talking about Alistair and Azazel was the last thing he wanted to do with the rest of his night.

While Dean was gone, Castiel had a miniature freak out. What if his boyfriend didn't come back? What if he did come back? Could he do this? Yes, that answer was a resounding fucking yes. If the way his cock twitched from just thinking about having Dean's hands on him and his mouth on him and touching the other boy exactly like he wanted to without fear of being walked in on by one of their nosy siblings or an intolerant father was any indication of how ready he was then maybe he should have gotten a hotel room much sooner than tonight.

He had to take his mind off of his anxieties so he kept busy, moving their suit jackets off the bed and onto the couch, turning down the covers and shaking off his shirt with twitchy, agitated movements that did nothing to help still the nervous mess his insides were as he waited on Dean. After that was off he realized how hot he was, like his skin was on fire so he decided to take his socks and pants off too and open the door to the balcony even though it was freezing outside because when had the room gotten to be ten billion degrees?

Castiel sat back on the edge of the bed where Dean left him and just buried his hands in his hair, trying to calm himself down so that he wouldn't just pounce on the other boy if he came back. It was only when he heard the door open that he looked up, seeing the wide surprised eyes of his boyfriend first as he took in the changes to his clothing and the room and then just watched as Dean moved to shut the balcony door, shaking his head at Castiel in confusion.

"Are you nuts, babe?" Dean asked moving back in front of him and lifting his face up with a couple of fingers under his chin. "It's fucking freezing in here. Why did you open the door?"

"You came back." Castiel said reaching out to grab the loose sides of Dean's vest.

"Baby, I will always come back. Do you hear me? I will never ever not come back, I'm not going anywhere. You'll have to kill me to get rid of me, stuck for life. You're going to hate me by the time I'm done with you."

Castiel stood up and lunged at Dean, pulling him into a kiss as he started tearing at the buttons of Dean's shirt in an effort to get it off as quickly as possible. He felt the chill now that Dean was here and the other boy was the sun that had already started warming him and melting his frozen heart until he could feel things again. Why had he ever been questioning giving himself to the other boy? Dean saved him, loved him, would never hurt him like everyone else had, and he could never hate him.

He wrenched Dean shirt off with a possessive growl, pressing their chests together as the other boy's hands roamed over his back and down to his hips to pull him closer. Castiel's hands were surer this time when he reached for Dean's belt, quickly opening it along with the larger boy's zipper so that he could push the suddenly burdensome grey slacks down the other boy's legs to be kicked off along with Dean's shoes.

Dean pushed him back down on to the bed, climbing up beside him and scooting them up until they were laying side by side on the pillows. His boyfriend ran a hand back up his side and into his hair, licking his lips slightly before bringing their mouths back together for a kiss that Dean dominated, purposefully unhurried with his movements in order to make Cas slow down. It forced him to focus on his breathing and his heartbeat which were going entirely too fast to be healthy and he was grateful that the larger boy had more experience with this kind of thing than he did.

His own hands found their way to Dean's butt, a feature that he thought was by far his favorite it had been the one that he had allowed himself to admire even before they had started dating and he was able to ogle it as much as he wanted now without feeling like a pervert. Castiel's erection was straining against his fitted boxers and he could feel Dean's arousal pressing against his own in the narrow almost nonexistent gap that separated their bodies.

Castiel groaned when Dean ground his hips forward, seeking friction against him in a way that was intoxicating and familiar because this was what they usually did, mostly clothed dry humping with the odd hand job or hasty blow job thrown in from Dean when they thought they had enough time before Gabriel came banging on Cas's bedroom door. Once they had started getting completely undressed with each other, but then John had come home unexpectedly and the two boys had barely had time to find their clothes before the older Winchester had started bellowing for Dean to help him with something.

Dean rolled over onto his back, pulling Castiel with him to straddle his hips and the smaller boy saw it as his opportunity to start kissing and nibbling his way down Dean's neck and chest, taking time on the spot behind his boyfriend's ear that always made Dean moan in that throaty, desperate way he liked.

"Casss," Dean breathed beneath him, his hands tracing over the scars on his back softly before the larger boy raked his short, blunt nails down in a way that had him groaning softly into the hollow of Dean's throat as his mouth worked downwards. "I just...god. I need you, you're everything. Everything."

Castiel looked up from where he was kissing around Dean's navel, the other boy's erection nudging against his chest through the black boxers Dean was wearing. The pupils of his boyfriend's green eyes were blown wide and dark with lust and the other boy's hair had gotten tousled as they kissed, sticking up in light brown spikes around his face. Dean was gorgeous, better than Elvis and if that wasn't the highest compliment he could give someone he didn't know what was.

"I love you, Dean."

"I-I know."

He smiled into his boyfriend's skin and slowly started pulling Dean's boxers off, mouthing across his pelvis and down his thigh, purposely avoiding the other boy's arousal that was jutting up from the thatch of darker brown pubic hair, precome already glistening at the tip. Castiel kissed all the way down to Dean's ankle, tossing the other boy's boxers away before standing up himself and biting his lip before striping his own off and stepping out of them with a bashful, self-conscious smile on his face.

Dean had seen Castiel naked before, mostly at least. But it was usually in the dimmed lighting of one of their bedrooms and yea, often he only managed to get one major piece of clothing off like a shirt or pants before he couldn't wait anymore to touch the other boy or taste him and see his boyfriend's wide, blue eyes locked onto his own as Cas came saying his name and groaning lowly in a way that had just wrecked Dean's desire to hear a girl moaning probably ever again.

He could hardly even remember what he had found so appealing about the soft, fleshy forms of the girls he had been with besides beautiful lips and hair he could run his hands through. Dean had all of that with Cas, coupled with the fact that he didn't have to be careful or apologetic when one of them got a little bit forceful with the other because they both seemed to like it and all of that pretty much made Cas the epitome of all of his fantasies both in and out of bed.

Cas was beautiful though, more so than he had ever imagined looking shy and biting his lip at the end of the bed after leaving Dean with the most achingly hard erection of his life just from the feel of his boyfriend's mouth teasing against his skin. Dean propped himself up on his elbows on the bed and took in his boyfriend's form with a heavy, stuttering sigh forcing its way out of his chest. The smaller boy was all sinewy muscle and smooth skin that rippled with strength as he moved.

Cas didn't have a lot of body hair, much like himself but the dark tuft of hair that nestled above his long, member was enough to make him question why hadn't always thought that men were attractive. And he still didn't think that men, plural, were attractive. Just Cas, maybe that meant he was something like a two on Sam and Gabe's stupid scale.

"Is...is this okay?" Castiel asked hesitantly, gesturing up and down himself and biting his lip like he hadn't meant to ask Dean the question in the first place.

"Of course, sweetheart." Dean replied swallowing hard and crooking a finger for the other boy to get back on the bed with him as soon as fucking possible.

The smaller boy just shook his head and smiled in that mischievous way that Dean had learned he did sometimes when Gabe had let his little brother in on one of the pranks that he was planning on someone. Castiel started kissing his way back up Dean's other leg, his gestures more confident and a little rougher when he got to Dean's thighs, sucking a dark mark into the softer flesh that the larger boy had there.

Dean groaned embarrassingly loud when Cas finally touched him, wrapping a hand around his cock and stroking him a couple of times before leaning in and wrapping those amazing, pink lips around the head and flicking his tongue into the slit with a pleased sounding little hum. He knotted his hands in the sheets next to his hips, throwing his head back on the pillow beneath him when Castiel bobbed farther down on his erection the first time. Dean didn't know how long he would last if the other boy kept up with the way he was alternating between stroking him and fondling his testicles like a complete expert at giving head even though Dean knew for a fact that this was a first for his boyfriend, but for once they had all night and it wasn't like his dad was going to barge into a fancy hotel looking for him so he forced himself to stop thinking and just enjoy how his boyfriend's hot, wet mouth felt wrapped around him.

He fought to keep his hips still as he looked down at Cas, moaning at the sight of his innocent, shy boyfriend sucking his dick and looking even better than the fantasies he'd had about the other boy. The way Cas's eyelashes contrasted against the skin of his cheekbones and how his boyfriend hollowed out his cheeks as he came up was enough to make Dean light headed so he decided that he had to stop looking because the visual alone was probably enough to make him come even though the feeling was incredible and overwhelming as well.

Castiel got it, what the whole allure behind giving another person a blow job was about. He was in control, almost even more so than he had been during the times he had been holding onto Dean's hair and thrusting into the larger boy's mouth. It was intoxicating to have so much power over another person, to be able to make Dean writhe and moan his name because he wanted Castiel so much. Dean found all of the things that Castiel could do to him so sexy and amazing that he was just muttering endearments at him with his head thrown back into the pillows, muscles taunt in his neck and hands fisted into the covers of the bed.

It was what he was finding to be that slightly sadistic streak in himself that had him pulling his mouth off of Dean's cock, continuing to stroke the other boy loosely and slowly as he ordered his boyfriend to look at him.

"Do it, Dean." Castiel growled out, his voice sounding even deeper and more rough than Dean had ever heard it. "I want you to look at me."

Dean forced his eyes open, earning a smirk from his boyfriend right before Cas delved down to take all but a couple of inches of his length into his mouth. It was hot as hell, but that wasn't what finally made him release his grip on the sheets and bury them in Castiel's dark, unruly hair. No, it was when Cas swallowed and Dean could feel the muscles of his boyfriend's throat working against his heated flesh, drawing him in even deeper until Cas was deep-throating him and looking up under his eyelashes at Dean challengingly.

"Fuck, Cas!" Dean groaned, arching his back off the bed slightly as he boyfriend pulled back to the tip of his cock only to take him back in without even blinking, squeezing his testicles and moaning around the hardness filling his mouth. "Why can you do that? FUCK...ugh Jesus."

The vibrations from Castiel's moans were what were really driving him crazy, his boyfriend was enjoying this just as much as he was and Dean vowed to not try to stop the smaller boy ever again if the urge to drag him into a classroom suddenly struck him. He thrust shallowly to meet Castiel as his mouth moved down his length and he could feel his balls drawing up as he drew closer and closer to his release. Dean wasn't sure if Cas would be okay with swallowing so he moaned out a warning that just caused his boyfriend to grip his hips harder and pick up the pace of his movements.

"Shit!" Dean ground out as his hips snapped forward and he was coming, feeling the muscles of Castiel's throat clenching around his throbbing length and hearing his boyfriend muffled groan echoing his own from the bottom of the bed.

He felt the matress shift when Castiel crawled back up to straddle his hips and opened his eyes when he heard the low groan of his boyfriend above him. Dean looked up to see the smaller boy stoking his own erection, biting his lip and looking slightly embarrassed. It was so fucking hot, seeing Cas get off touching himself and Dean put his hands on the other boy's hips to roll him over onto his back.

Castiel kept his legs wrapped around Dean's waist as they rolled over and he whimpered slightly when the felt the heavy weight of the larger boy's still half-hard cock slide against his own. The taste of Dean was still in his mouth and he hesitated for just a second before kissing his boyfriend back when he leaned down to capture his mouth, rolling his hips lazily against Castiel's. He wrapped his arms around Dean's back, digging his heels into the other boy's rear as he thrust their members together slowly and purposefully, seeking that perfect friction he knew he could get with the other boy.

"Dean-" Castiel whined, moving against Dean desperately because he had been so close when he felt the larger boy throbbing in his mouth, but he was so focused on swallowing and breathing that Cas felt he probably would've passed out if he had tried to touch himself then too. "Can you just.."

"Yea, baby. I know, I've got you." Dean said quickly, breaking free from the grasp of his arms and legs to reach over the edge of the bed and rummage around for a moment, returning with a bottle of lube and a strip of condoms that he tossed down onto the bedside table.

The lube he opened, squeezing a generous amount onto the palm of his hand before delving back down into another kiss with Castiel that had him gasping when he felt the tight slickness of Dean's hand wrapping around his cock, stroking him fast and hard in a way that had him coming far too soon. He moaned Dean's name as his vision whited out and he heard his boyfriend curse softly as the thick spurts of come laced out and over both of their chests, making a huge mess that Cas really could care less about.

He felt Dean mouthing something against his collarbone, but he was too distracted by the afterglow of his orgasm to care about deciphering what it might be. Castiel knew that it wouldn't take Dean long to get hard again, as they had discovered after his last therapy session when they had come back to Dean's apartment to find a note from John saying he was going out of town for a job for a couple of days. They had spent the entire evening mostly naked, lounging around the small space in boxers and stopping to kiss and caress each other anytime the mood struck them, until Sam had come home and Dean had staggered to his feet red-raced and rubbing his knees while his younger brother doubled over with laughter.

Dean's mouth moved to his shoulders, kissing and nibbling at his muscles until he felt the larger boy pulling at his shoulders to roll him over onto his stomach. Like when Cas had started telling Dean about his father and the self-inflicted marks on his back from the thin, stinging leather straps of the flail, he felt his boyfriend's hands moving reverently and slowly over his skin. Dean kneaded the muscles of his neck and back, easing out the last bit of nervous tension that he still was carrying there even after his orgasm. Castiel sighed into the pillows, melting under the soothing caresses of Dean's lips and hands on him and sparing a glance over his shoulder to see the other boy straddling his waist with a serious expression on his face.

Cas looked over to the strip of condoms that Dean had thrown onto the bedside time and reached out to bring them closer, trying to understand why this thin piece of latex and rubber had him screaming in his head just a bit, from excitement and fear and confusion. This little package would be the thing that damned him for good, the touching and the being aroused by other men could be explained away and absolved with Hail Marys and confession, but sodomy was a mortal sin and there was no going back after this.

But if going to Heaven meant spending eternity separated from Dean, he would rather burn in a lake of fire with the other boy than float on clouds and play a harp with just his father and Raphael for company. His mother may be waiting for him up there too, may even be disappointed in the way he chose to live his life like his father had said she was, but Castiel didn't think so. He thought she would just want for him to be happy with whoever he chose to love, at least that's how Gabriel always talked about her and that was the woman he chose to claim instead of the cold person he had always thought his father, the priest, must have married.

"Cas? Babe, where are you right now?" Dean murmured behind him, digging deep into the lateral muscles that ran over his shoulders, causing him to groan because it felt good in a way that was deliciously similar to how the other boy touched him to bring him to completion.

"Just lost in my head a bit," he replied softly ripping one of the condoms off from the strip and reaching back to put it next to the bottle of lube that the larger boy had settled near his hip. "But I'm okay, I'm back now."

"We can stop, Cas." Dean offered kissing down his spine softly and moving his hands to splay across the bottom of his ribcage, kneading his thumbs into the small of his back with a gentle pressure that had Castiel wanting more.

"No, Dean." He said breathing deeply and arching back slightly into the other boy until he could feel Dean's hardness pressing into the cleft of his ass. Castiel shuddered slightly, biting his lip so that he wouldn't make the desperate noise he could feel lurking at the back of his throat. "I...I want to. Just go slow."

"I'm not going to hurt you, sweetheart." Dean stated firmly sitting up on his knees, nudging Castiel's legs wider open so that he had room and lifting the other boy's hips slightly off the bed.

The first thing that Becky had told him to do was make sure that Cas was propped up and comfortable because nothing was less sexy than getting a weird muscle cramp or something during sex. Dean reached up and grabbed one of the pillows near Castiel's head, pausing to give the other boy a kiss that he hoped reassured the smaller boy that he was going take care of him even though Dean was just as nervous now as he had been his own first time, which had been awkward and embarrassing with a girl who was much older than him who afterwards had given him a disgusted look before quickly getting dressed and leaving him alone and vulnerable.

So he poured all of his love and promises into the kiss, hoping it was enough as the smaller boy breathed into his mouth and clenched his fingers in the sheets beneath his hands when Dean placed the pillow under his hips against the erection that was already forming despite Cas having come so recently. Dean had a pretty fast recovery time himself, but he had the feeling that all of the kissing and touching he liked to shower on his boyfriend was slowly turning Castiel into a sex crazed maniac. Not that he would have a problem with that, especially if all of this ended up being as amazing as he had imagined it would be.

He sat back up, picking up the lube and pouring more onto the fingers of his right hand before taking a steadying breath and spreading the firm, toned cheeks of Castiels' ass in order to get access to the other boy's entrance. That urge to put his mouth on every part of his boyfriend hadn't gone away, but Dean stifled it for now because it's not like Cas was going anywhere. He loved him and they had time to explore each other more once they got used to doing this first. Dean circled his index finger around the tight ring of muscle that looked way too small to ever possibly accommodate him, applying a gentle pressure that caused Castiel to gasp as the cool lubricant hit his most sensitive spot.

Cas had fingered himself before, imagining that it was Elvis or Daniel or Dean touching him and stretching him as he masturbated. But two fingers was the most he had ever done and Dean's fingers were thicker than his own so when his boyfriend pushed into him it felt full and tight and caused his cock to twitch because that part of him knew where that kind of touching led and it calmed the small part of him that had doubted it was going to feel as good with Dean who probably hadn't ever done this with a guy before, if at all.

The first finger pumped into him and he tried to still his hips that were canting backwards into Dean's hands like they had a mind of their own, moaning breathily at how different it felt to have someone else doing this to him. Better because it was Dean and the dull burn that started when he felt the second finger start to push in didn't even matter because his boyfriend had brushed against his prostate, causing blinding electric crackles to go off behind his eyelids when he heard the other boy groan behind him.

"God, Cas." Dean moaned, crooking his fingers again as he slowly pumped them into the smaller boy's loosening hole, brushing against something that made the muscles clench around his fingers in a way that had his cock throbbing when he thought of feeling the same sensation wrapped around him. "That feels good, right?"

Castiel nodded his head quickly and pushed back against Dean's fingers that had started scissoring inside of him, still moving way too slowly when compared to how he normally fucked himself onto his own hand fast and hard in order to just get off and then get on to whatever else he had to do.

"Dean," he whimpered, feeling the other boy's stretching fingers completely pull out of him the loss being obvious and unwelcome when all he wanted was to be filled up by Dean in any way he could get.

Dean fumbled for the condom, ripping it open and rolling it down his length, hissing at his own touch because he was so hard and sensitive from how long it had taken to stretch Castiel wide enough that he thought the other boy could accommodate him without it hurting too badly. He slicked his cock up with more lube, lining himself up against the other boy's loosened entrance before pausing and rubbing one of his hands up Castiel's back, brushing his thumb over the side of his boyfriend's jaw until those gorgeous aqueous eyes looked back at him.

"Cas, I just...I..."

Fucking really?! He still couldn't say it, this was the kind of shit you went to therapists for and if Castiel hadn't been looking back at him with the most adoring, amazed expression on his face then Dean just would've stopped everything right then because the other boy deserved to told how much he was loved as often as possible and if Dean couldn't say it now then when would he be able to?

"I know," Castiel replied, smiling because he did know that Dean loved him and his boyfriend had gripped his hand tight during Han and Leia's scene together when they had watched Star Wars over the course of the last week, breaking the original trilogy up into multiple movies dates that gotten off track when they inevitably started kissing each other.

It had been Dean's use of it when he had said it earlier that made him all swoony and smiley and now he could see that it had the same effect on the larger boy because his boyfriend just groaned softly and started pushing into him. Castiel could feel the thick heat of Dean's cock through the thin, synthetic material separating them and when it pushed past the first ring of muscle with a painful, stinging burn all he could do was hiss softly and bite his lip as tears sprang to his eyes turning his head so that Dean wouldn't see them and stop.

Castiel was just so tight. Dean could feel the other boy clenching around him as he pushed in slowly, muttering soothing nonsense to his boyfriend and rubbing Cas's hip in an effort to make the tension leave his muscles again like it had when Dean had been rubbing his back. He went slow, just as much for himself as Cas because if he went any faster well, then this was going to be over before Dean had a chance to make it good for Cas. He didn't want his boyfriend only having the memory of how it hurt and he knew that it had to because his boyfriend was whimpering softly into the bed sheets, either ignoring or too distracted by the pain to hear him when he asked him if he was okay.

Dean didn't want to groan while Cas was hurting so he swallowed back the noise of how fucking amazing it felt to be inside the other boy, focusing instead on stilling himself so that he could give his boyfriend time to adjust. He reached a hand around, wedging it between the pillow and Castiel's pelvis so that he could stroke him and try to give him some other sensation besides the pain only to find that Castiel's erection was still there, less hard, but there so obviously Dean wasn't completely ruining all this with his inexperience.

"Talk to me sweetheart," he whispered, leaning in to kiss the smaller boy's back as he continued to stroke him encouragingly. "Tell me you're okay."

"Jesus, Dean." Castiel moaned beneath him, squirming slightly at the combined feeling of his boyfriend filling him and touching him. "I'm fine. Just...you're going to have to do something. Move or anything."

"You're sure?"

"I'm pretty fucking sure," Castiel gasped, pushing back with his hips in an effort to get moving so that the stinging would go away.

"Okay, babe." Dean muttered drawing out of the other boy as he sat back up until just the first inch or so of his cock was still inside his boyfriend before stroking forward with a groan that he couldn't have kept to himself even if he wanted to anymore.

He kept his pace slow and measured, feeling the ring of muscles loosen around his dick slightly as Castiel starting meeting his thrusts with little rolls of his hips backwards, grinding down into the pillow beneath him anytime Dean pulled out.

Cas propped himself up more onto his elbows, arching his back with a low groan when he felt Den brush against his prostate again, sliding what felt like the entire length of his arousal along the gland as he moved in and out of him with a steadily increasing pace that had him fighting for air.

"Right there, darling." He groaned, feeling his skin tingle anywhere the other boy touched him, along his back and over his sides back down to his hips where Dean held on tight to the jutting bones of his pelvis so that he could hold him in place as he thrust into him particularly hard.

Dean stuttered out an apology when he heard Castiel growl beneath him after that first rough snap of his hips. "Fuck, Cas. Baby, you just feel so good. I'll be careful, I promise."

"Don't" Castiel moaned, pushing back impatiently onto his achingly hard cock. "Don't be careful, it's good. Just like that, again."

Dean pumped hard into the other boy, breathing heavily and moaning each time he felt the other boy's tight, heat clench around him. He needed to touch Cas, feel that this boyfriend's heartbeat was as pounding and erratic as his own, this wasn't enough, they weren't close enough. He let go of Castiel's hips to grab onto his boyfriend's shoulders, pulling him back until Castiel was sitting on his dick, impaled as deeply as possible with his back pressed against Dean's chest as they moved together, grinding and panting with roving hands and sloppy kisses.

He held onto Cas with one arm splayed across his boyfriend's broad chest and the other wrapped firmly around his waist, thrusting up into the other boy as hard as he could while he bit down onto the juncture of his boyfriend's neck and shoulder. Dean moved his hand down to wrap around Castiel's hard, leaking erection, stroking in time with how he moved his hips because he was close. He was going to fall over the edge and he wanted Castiel to go with him, telling the smaller boy with murmured demands against the shell of his ear.

"You're going to finish with me, Cas."Dean ordered, sucking the perfect lobe into his mouth and biting down on it earning a stuttering gasp from Castiel.

Castiel moaned, feeling like he was going to shatter into a million pieces as Dean pumped against his prostate and stroked him and took him just like he had wanted, rough and tender. Paradoxical in their love making just like they were in everything else, the preacher's crazy kid and the town homophobe's son; he would never understand how they had ended up here-in love and feeling like their hearts were beating codependent with the other's, if one's stopped they both would stop.

Questioning it felt like tempting fate though so he turned to kiss Dean instead, moaning out his release and thrusting his hips down hard onto the other boy's cock as he came, semen spilling out over the tight fist Dean had made around his erection. Behind him the larger boy grunted, snapping his hips forward and throbbing deep inside of him, matching the intensity of Castiel's kiss by twining his own tongue fluidly around his mouth, sucking on his lower lip hard before he broke away to burying his face into Cas's neck.

It was better with Cas, so much better than it had ever been with anyone else and if he hadn't been ruined before, Dean sure as fuck knew that he was ruined now. Maybe love was what had been missing with all of those girls in the past because sex was sex was sex, but with Castiel it was more than that and his heart was beating heavy with emotion in his chest. Emotions that he couldn't spit out, but still the other boy knew what he was trying to say and that was just another reason why he never wanted to let Cas go.

He stayed buried in the other boy for a couple of moments before pulling out as slowly as possible, still concerned about hurting Cas even though the rest of his mind was a fuzzy, blurry contended mess. The smaller boy dropped heavily down onto the bed, ignoring the mess they had made of the expensive, hotel sheets and beckoned for Dean to join him, which he did after darting into the bathroom for a second to discard the condom and grab a wet washcloth so they could maybe fall asleep without having to worry too much about waking up disgusting.

Castiel smiled softly at Dean as the other boy ran a towel over his chest and lower abdomen, cleaning up the fresh and half-dried streaks of come before tossing it away and just settling down beside him with a sigh. He watched his boyfriend hesitate to touch him, looking at him like he was breakable and precious and priceless before shaking his head at himself and bundling Castiel up against his chest, knotting their legs together and wrapping an arm around his shoulders.

"Cas—" Dean began softly feeling like he needed to ask again if they were good, make sure that this hadn't changed things for the other boy because if anything it had just made Dean realize how far he had actually fallen for the other boy.

"You don't have to say it, darling." Castiel sighed, snuggling into his chest and hooking his ankle around the relatively clean comforter that had almost slid off the end of the bed so that he could pull it over them. "I felt it too."

Dean squeezed his eyes shut and let out a shaky breath; Cas always knew just what he needed to hear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All right guys, here it is. Hope it doesn't ruin the 150K+ words I've written so far. The anxiety I had with this one was high so seriously, any feedback at all will help make my nails grow back faster.*hearteyes *


	24. Most Beautiful Plague

To say that Dean freaked out when he woke up in the morning and Cas wasn't there, was an understatement.

His heart was pounding out of his chest and he just couldn't seem to force any air into his lungs as he scrabbled at the empty bed sheets where Cas had been, wrapped up tight in his arms and sleeping almost on top of him when he had gotten up to turn the lights out in the early hours of the morning. Dean's mind raced with a million reasons why Cas wasn't there, all of them were plausible and horrible and involved the other boy having regrets or finding him unbearable and leaving him there alone just like they all did.

But then he heard the shower running, when he was scrambling into his boxers so that he could run around half-dressed and shameless on the seventh floor of the hotel, banging on every door until he found Cas or someone told him to fuck off. It was pretty much the sweetest sound that he'd ever heard and Dean took a minute to pause in the doorway of the bathroom, just watching Cas through the frosted glass of the shower door as the other boy hummed some song contentedly to himself while the hot spray washed over him.

Cas made a low pleased little sound when Dean stepped in behind the smaller boy and wrapped his arms around him, still wearing his boxers because he had been too relieved to see his boyfriend there to stop to take them off before he had to touch Castiel to reassure him that he wasn't hallucinating.

"Good morning," Castiel said, leaning back into the hold Dean had wrapped around him.

Dean sighed heavily and just watched how the water slid down the other boy's smooth chest, his chin perched on the other boy's shoulder when he had pulled Cas's back flush against him. He kissed the other boy's shoulder softly, feeling the drops of water stick to his mouth and stubble as he pulled away. He felt Castiel reach back a hand to put it on his hip and he could almost hear the confused expression on his boyfriend's face when the other boy's slim fingers brushed against the rapidly dampening fabric of his boxers.

Cas spun in his arms, settling his hands on Dean's hips and frowning at the wet material that was clinging to his legs, not questioning him, but just raising his eyebrow in that way that Dean had come to learn meant that it was obvious that he wanted to.

"I thought you had left," Dean admitted softly, ashamed that the idea had even entered his mind in the first place. Cas wouldn't do that to him, he had promised that he wouldn't run away from him anymore and so far he had kept his word. "I was going to go look for you."

"And you're wearing them in the shower, why?" Castiel asked, his voice sounding amused with just a hint of an order lurking underneath that had Dean's heart speeding up as he swallowed hard and smirked at the other boy.

He shrugged and tried to put on his most noncommittal face when he felt the other boy's hand's slide under the waistband, pulling the material away from his skin with a soft sound of suctioning from the wet fabric peeling off of him. They dropped wetly onto the shower floor and Cas kicked them away with an agitated frown creasing his forehead when they got tangled around his foot for a second. Dean just laughed and pulled the other boy closer, biting back a groan when his hips met the other boy's as they embraced.

Dean felt Cas placing openmouthed kisses against the crook of his neck where the smaller boy had buried his face and he let his hands settle onto the small of his boyfriend's back, feeling the muscles contract and tense as Castiel thrust shallowly against him in a way that he thought the other boy probably didn't even realize he was doing. But Dean just wanted to hold Castiel, okay. He didn't _just_ want to hold Cas, but it would've been enough for him because everything with the other boy was just so perfect and he was so happy that he didn't need sex to make it better.

Not that he was going to turn down sex, making a needy noise as the back of his throat when he felt Castiel's fingers twine themselves through his hair, tugging his face around and down into a deep kiss that had the joy he was already feeling building and burning into something desirous and desperate.

"Jesus," Dean murmmered against the other boy's lips, drawing back enough so that he could breathe for a second in the steamy shower as Cas's hands roamed over his chest and back, returning to his hair every so often to grip the short strands as the grinding of his boyfriend became more insistent, the jutting erection of the other boy sliding slickly against his own in the hot, tight space between them. "I've created a fucking monster."

"Well, I've heard imitation is the most sincere form of flattery," Castiel replied nipping at Dean's jaw before settling on his neck with a dark chuckle.

It took him about a second to get it; since all of the blood that should have been fueling his brain was busy other places. "Did you just call me a monster?"

"I might have," Castiel muttered teasingly, biting hard on his neck before kissing away the sting as he drug his nails down Dean's back slowly, making him shiver slightly before the larger boy growled and turned to press him firmly against the wall of the shower.

"Fuck you, sweetheart." Dean said jokingly as the other boy gasped, his blue eyes going wide for a second before a he smiled and leaned in for another kiss, their mouths moving more urgently as Dean slotted their members together, sliding the heated flesh in a maddening imitation of the things that they had done the night before.

"Kinda what I was going for," the other boy replied in between the tiny whimpers he was emitting as Dean gripped tightly onto his hips and ground against him.

The scalding water poured down his back and Dean winced slightly, reluctantly reaching out a hand to turn the heat down slightly before he placed it firmly back on Castiel's hip, pinning him against the wall with a roll of his pelvis as he loomed over the other boy. Cas was panting slightly, condensation beading off of his chest and Dean bit his lip as he thought back to another time when he could've taken Cas up against the wall of the showers in the locker room at school, after everyone else had left. But that was something that was just too risky.

He reached one of his hands down, trailing it lazily across Castiel's abdomen and the sharp curve of his pelvis, following the lines of muscles down until he had wrapped his hand around the other boy's erection that was brushing against his own in a way that sent tingles running down his spine from how intimate and wonderful it felt to be able to touch his boyfriend like this without having to worry about being interrupted. Dean imagined that this is what it would be like when they were done with school, touching each other slowly and meaningfully so that the passion could build until it got to be too much, he couldn't wait for a time when they would be able to touch each other however and whenever they wanted because they were in a space that was safe and comfortable and theirs.

Dean groaned possessively as Castiel shuddered under his touch, thrusting into his hand with a needy, shaky sigh the air from the smaller boy's lungs feeling cool on his over-heated skin as he ran the pad of his thumb over the head of his boyfriend's member, spreading the pre-come down over the length of flesh in his grasp with an experienced twist of his wrist. He had learned all of the little things that Cas liked over the last couple of weeks, how fast he liked Dean to move his hand and how hard of a grip to use; he knew just how far he could take the other boy until he had Cas on the edge of coming before he stopped.

He liked the frustrated sound Castiel made as he took his hand away to cup the other boy's face, forcing them back to just kissing and pressing against each other as he leaned his weight into his boyfriend feeling Cas's teeth nip angrily at his lip as the other boy pushed hard at his chest so that he could get an arm between them, separating their bodies enough that he could capture both of their members in his long-fingered hand and stroking them together in a way that made Dean's knees weak from the sensation of the other boy's hardness against his own.

The larger boy pulled back enough that he could press his forehead against Cas's, who was watching him through half-lidded eyes as he stroked them together expertly, closing his eyes entirely when Dean ran his thumb over the other boy's jaw reverently as he grasped and tried to stammer out the words that just kept eluding him.

"Cas, I lo-. Shit," Dean groaned, arching into the other boy's hand when Castiel turned his face into his hand and sucked his index finger into his mouth, moaning around the digit even as his tongue moved over the calluses that Dean hated. "Babe, fuck...you're so fucking sexy."

Castiel hummed around his finger, moving his head so that it slid in and out of his mouth suggestively and tightening his grip on their members as he picked up the pace of his strokes because he was so close and this was just as amazing as everything else they had done together, he couldn't imagine a time when he wouldn't ever want Dean as close to him as possible. He pulled his mouth off of the other boy, cursing softly when the larger boy's fingers on his other hand twined through his own, moving to stroke them together as Dean ducked his head to kiss and suck at his neck.

"Dean!" Castiel moaned, arching his back away from the cold tile behind him trying to close the space between him and his boyfriend even though it was barely enough for their chests to rise and fall so they could take in the gasping, heavy breaths that they needed. "I need you. Just touch me, darling. Please, god. I love you fuck I love you so much, Dean. Oh dear lord."

Dean knew exactly what he meant, wrapping his free hand around his back and pressing the finger that Cas had just been sucking on into him with a gentle insistent pressure that stung slightly since they hadn't used lube, but he didn't care because it was enough. Enough to have his orgasm crashing over him in waves of pleasure that were so enormous that he felt like they would drag him down forever and that would be perfectly acceptable. He felt like he could drown in Dean and their love, it was so vast and beautiful and unexplored.

"Fuck, Cas." Dean groaned throatily coming after only a few more desperate thrusts because seeing the other boy bite his lip and arch back into the hand he had pressed into him was so fucking hot and Cas coming all over his cock as they slid together was so fucking hot and hearing his boyfriend say that he loved him again was so fucking hot and his brain just couldn't form any other thoughts besides the fact that he would never want anyone else as much as he wanted Castiel Novak.

He felt like he was going to collapse, like he was an old, well-loved shirt that had been washed and wrung out to dry on a clothesline his muscles loose and tingling under his skin as he leaned into Cas, trying to press most of his weight against the wall on the hand that he had moved from fingering his boyfriend to the tile near the smaller boy's hip. Dean couldn't remember a time in his life when he had been more content and he thought that it must have been before his mom left because after everything had gotten hectic and painful and uncertain.

When he caught his breath, Dean pulled Castiel back under the spray of the shower; washing him slowly and reverently with the soap that the hotel provided until the water started going cold and Cas started to shiver against him in a way that was not sexy. He dried his boyfriend off with the soft fluffy towels and just smiled goofily when the other boy tried to bat him off saying that he was a big boy who could take care of himself.

"Yea you are," Dean said suggestively, earning a tired, smile from Castiel who rolled his eyes with the towel wrapped around his hips as he sorted out the pieces of his and Dean's suits on they could get dressed.

"Come on, darling." Castiel said, flinging his pants at him as he tried to wring out the water from his boxers before giving up and just shoving them into one of the shopping bags that he and Ash had brought the snacks to the room in the evening before. "Check out is at eleven."

"What time is it?" Dean asked, pulling on his pants with no boxers and chuckling to himself at the shocked look on the other boy's face.

"Ten thirty. How often do you do that?"

"Go commando?" Dean replied innocently, shrugging slightly. "More than you know, babe."

Castiel's fingers stilled where they were buttoning his shirt slowly and Dean could see the other boy filling away the information for future reference with a look of serious concentration on his face, nodding to himself a bit as a blush crept up his neck and cheeks that were still flushed from the hot water in the shower.

"You're so fucking cute," Dean sighed, pulling the other boy into a short kiss before they continued around the room gathering their things and making sure to leave a hefty tip using their combined cash for the housekeeper for the mess they had made of the bed. After the debacle with Pam's classroom, they had at least learned to be considerate of the people who had to deal with the aftermath of their encounters.

* * *

Castiel didn't hear the story until much later that day, after Dean had dropped him off at home with a lingering apologetic kiss because he had to go to work and Bobby had already called twice on their way out of the hotel and across town to his house asking him where he was. He had told the larger boy that he loved him again, feeling all kinds of warm and fuzzy inside when Dean had hummed happily and replied, "You too."

He was miles beyond gone and he knew it, Cas had thought that after Daniel he would never love anyone else again, but what he had had with the other boy paled in comparison to how he felt about Dean. It felt like a silly crush, which is what he now knew it to be because the other boy had never really returned his feelings in the first place and Dean did. He as loved, Dean loved him and for the first time in a long time he felt like he deserved it.

Gabriel had taken one look at him and known, hugging him tightly and tearing up a little bit when Castiel nodded in reply when the older man asked him if Dean had said it first.

"I didn't think he had it in him, baby bro." The older man had admitted before rushing off to get his phone so that he could call Sam and tell him since the younger Winchester had gone to the library to work on something for debate, why he couldn't just relax over the winter break Castiel didn't know.

Cas decided to do just that, pulling out his headphones when he got into his room and settling down on his bed with his journal that Rachel had given him, writing out a less explicit version of what had happened with Dean that he didn't know if he would let his therapist see just yet because the memory was just so fresh and new that he wanted to keep it to himself for just a little bit longer.

When the knock came at the door he didn't hear it because he was listening to the soundtrack for _Across the Universe_ that he had downloaded a couple of weeks before and now that song, _Something,_ was the only one that mattered. He didn't understand most of the others anyway, especially the one about Mr. Kite, whoever the fuck that was.

Anna came into his room, drawing his attention up from what he was writing as the younger girl moved quickly across the room to plop down beside him on the bed, curling up against him where he was sitting with his back against the wall that his bed abutted and pressing her face into his shoulder with a muffled scream. Castiel pulled his headphones down until they were hanging off of his neck and wrapped and arm around his younger sister who was shaking against him, making weird huffing sounds into the material of his faded red shirt that advertised the old Chicago World's Fair.

He had gotten it his first year at Lake Forrest, when they had taken a field trip to The Field Museum and it was one that Dean had borrowed a couple of times when he had stayed over and even though he had washed it, it still smelled like his boyfriend's body wash mixed with motor oil and cedar. Castiel pulled back slightly from the redhead, looking down at his sister and vowing to himself that he would kill Kevin Tran if he had hurt her, Dean would just have to come and see him in prison. Did Kansas do conjugal visits?

"Anna?" Castiel said concern and anger warring for dominance in his voice as his sister pulled away wiping at her eyes with the back of her hand before covering her mouth and rolling her eyes at him in an endeared way. "What's wrong? Did something happen? With Kevin?"

She nodded, ducking her head so that her long red curls fell over her face and making the huffing noise again as he shot up out of the bed, calling for Gabriel because if Anna was about to tell them something horrible that the other boy had done to her then he wanted his brother to help him figure out a place to hide the body, one of them had to stay on the outside so they could keep her away from their father and Gabriel already had conditional custody so he really just needed someone to help him plan the specifics of how he would do it.

Gabriel sauntered into the room, freezing when he saw how Anna was shaking even harder on the bed and crossing over to kneel by the edge of the bed as Castiel paced the room, running a hand through his hair and clenching his fists to keep himself from freaking out. Of course something had happened, something always fucking happened to his family just when it looked like things were going alright. They must be fucking cursed or something.

"Anna I need you to tell me what's wrong." Gabriel said sounding much calmer than Castiel felt, this was that anger Rachel always talked about. The vindictive rage that he was holding onto that usually was reserved for his father and eldest brother, but now it felt like it had purpose and Cas thought a baseball bat just might do the trick since Kevin was kinda on the smallish side.

Anna shook her head, her hair swaying around her face as her hands disappeared out of her lap and Castiel could picture it, the tears that his brave, stubborn little sister was wiping away because she always had to protect everyone, even people who didn't deserve it. Even scum like Kevin Tran.

She hadn't hesitated to agree to testify against their father though and that was part of why this was so frustrating, Rachel said most abuse victims had a hard time turning against their abuser. Fuck, even Cas had not wanted to go to the police after waking up in the hospital again, after Anna had saved him, but that was because he had still been convinced that he deserved every damn thing that he had done to himself, that he hadn't been coerced into it by the perverse tortures his father had used on him.

"Just fucking tell us what happened!" He shouted, throwing his hands out to his sides and knocking over a stack of CDs that had been perched precariously on the edge of his desk since the last time Dean had stayed the night.

His sister looked up at him finally, surprise on her face before she threw her head back, the huffing turning out to be raucous laughter that she had been trying to stem as she worked out how to tell her brothers the story about how her boyfriend was a for real life ninja. She had thought that Castiel would appreciate the story the most, since it had kinda been him and Dean that made the other boy reveal his self-defense skills and also, she knew that he liked all those weird, badly dubbed kung-fu movies that Kevin could have totally done stunts for without breaking a sweat.

But Cas was breathing hard and his face was all red and Anna had seen her brother have a panic attack before, had woken him up from more nightmares than she could count in the middle of the night when his screaming and crying had roused her and she could tell that he was close to breaking. So she tried to reign in her laughter, stifling it behind her hand again and giving the two most important men in her life an apologetic look.

"I'm sorry. Gabby, Cassie. It's nothing bad, I promise." Anna started and Castiel immediately felt his heart rate start to slow down, she wouldn't lie to him, his sister had never lied to him.

Anna and Gabriel and Dean, that's all he had. Well, and Sam and Meg and Jo and the rest of his friends. Maybe he should've given Kevin the benefit of the doubt and not immediately jumped to the conclusion that his young friend had done something to hurt his sister just because someone had hurt him once upon a time. The adrenaline faded out of him and he dropped heavily on the bed next to his sister, putting his elbows on his knees and his hands in his hair pausing long enough to wave to Anna that he was fine and she could keep talking.

"Let me just start by saying that you two are officially relieved of your responsibility to protect me as long as I'm dating a black belt." Anna said shortly, rubbing at Castiel's back in a soothing way and shaking her head slightly when Gabriel cocked a questioning eyebrow at her.

"There has to be more to the story than that," Castiel mumbled trying to sound amused and lighthearted so that the younger girl would know that he was okay, he drew in a shaky breath and the smell of Dean on his clothes helped the numb, emptiness that he always got after freaking out, only this time he hadn't and he decided to find the silver lining of the situation by chalking up his growing control as a win.

"There is." Anna replied smiling at him impishly and nudging at his side until he looked up at her, before collapsing back into the bed with a laugh, laying her legs over his lap and patting the bed until Gabriel climbed up beside her, sitting cross legged in an imitation of the when the older Novak used to braid her hair for her for school.

Their dad had never even attempted to treat her like she wasn't just another one of his boys meaning she was the most atrocious tomboy growing up, always getting picked on by the mean little girls who did have moms at her school until Gabe had broken down and started buying magazines like Seventeen and Teen Vogue in an effort to help her learn how to be more girly. She had no illusions about which of her family members had really raised her and writing off her father and Raphael after seeing what they had done to Cas had been the easiest decision of her life.

"Okay, Cas remember when I left to go find soda because that beer was super gross?"

"You let her drink?" Gabriel asked, shooting the younger boy a stern look and just sighing in a resigned kind of way when Castiel shrugged in reply.

"She didn't even like it, Gabe." Castiel said in his defense, earning a quick nod of confirmation from Anna who he should've known would somehow manage to rat the both of them out. "See, I'm teaching her the evils of alcohol so you don't have to, you're welcome."

"Anyway!" Anna interrupted, jiggling her legs so that she could get her two brother's attention back because she could tell that Gabriel was ready to say something snappish that he thought would make him sound authoritative. "After Kev and I left to go find something to drink that didn't taste like moldy gym socks, we got a little turned around in the hotel. Did you know that place had an indoor pool? I didn't know and a gym, Kevin wanted to recreate that Ok Go music video with the treadmills and stuff but I wasn't wearing the right shoes, anyway we're going to totally do that at school and put it on Youtube."

"The point, Anna." Castiel said blandly, but she could hear the smile in his voice and she relaxed even more into the bed with the knowledge that he was really getting better and maybe normalcy was something they could really have or at least as close as to normal as they could get.

"The point is, when we finally found the vending machines in that maze of a hotel all of those football players that hate you and Dean were there with their skeevy girlfriends because apparently they had snuck in rum and it didn't pair very well with the punch from the dance so they wanted Cokes. I think they had a room too because half of those girls were missing shoes they already were kinda tipsy." Anna could feel Gabriel playing with the end of her hair, tying two ends together into a little bow that he dropped when he noticed that she had looked at him.

"When they saw me and Kev I guess they probably wanted to mess with you two, but since it was just us they started in on how we got up to dance with Gilda and Ash when you guys danced together. They just generally being jerks and we were gonna leave, go back to the room and ignore them because it was pathetic, Cas. God, it was so freaking sad and stupid and I know that there are people like that everywhere, but really? Get over yourselves, so my brother likes to make out with another boy who freaking cares?"

"You're like a walking inspirational poster," Gabriel said teasingly, tugging on her red tresses lightly before picking up another chunk and twisting it together with practiced motions.

"Well, it's stupid and if they had just dropped it then it would've ended with us walking away right there and having a good night, but they started following us back to the room and we didn't want them bothering everyone else so we just went back to the dance which was pretty much just Coach Uriel trying to talk the Sheriff into dancing with him which was weird! And the tall one, Alistair. He just kept going on and on about Dean being a fag and how none of the football team was safe with him around anymore and I think Kev just snapped because he turned around and told him that he sounded like a jealous ex and maybe Dean wasn't the only bicurious boy sporting shoulder pads."

Castiel felt his shoulders tense up at Anna's suggestion, it wasn't completely far-fetched. It was usually Alistair starting something with them, Azazel just followed his lead and most of the time the lanky footballer focused his aggression on Dean, just referring to Cas as 'that fag or homo or queer', depending on how creative he felt like getting with his insults. Rachel had said it was called projection, it was what Daniel had done when he had called Cas a fucking faggot before letting his teammates throw him down the stairs and it was usually the last resort of someone who was scared of something about themselves, seeing it in other people and hating them even more for it.

"Alistair swung first so that's probably why Kevin didn't get in as much trouble as Uriel wanted him to," Anna continued, seemingly unaware of realization that Castiel was having. "And Kev was just like, Bam! Pow! Whoosh! He did this amazing spinning kicky thing and just whipped Alistair's legs out from under him before he even got close to touching him. Azazel tried to step up and he flipped him, you know that kid is so much bigger than him, Cas and Kevin just flipped him on to his back without even trying. It was so amazing."

"Jesus," Gabriel said smiling in a goofy way at Anna before dropping the small braid he had made in her hair on to the bed and clapping his hands briskly, getting up and moving towards the bedroom door. "I'm making that boy some cookies, pepper spray ain't got nothing on Kevin Tran's fists of fury!"

"What happened after that?" Castiel asked rolling his eyes as their brother left the room, muttering something about needing to pick up chocolate chips on his way to get Sam from the library.

"Well, y'know the Sheriff was there and her deputy stepped in when they started getting up, making some pretty lame sounding threats towards Kev before she smelled the alcohol on their breaths. And of course they're both underage so handcuffs got involved and Gilda and Jo and everyone showed up just in time to see Uriel trying to bribe her because if they went to jail and Principal Naomi found out then they were probably not going to be allowed to wrestle or whatever other homoerotic sport it is that happens in the spring."

"Baseball," Castiel supplied, thinking of Adam and how happy the sophomore would be that he didn't have to deal with catching Azazel's wild pitches that the other boy had said he thought the senior did on purpose to try to hit players on the other team.

"Well, whatever. It was awesome and the perfect end to the perfect night, seeing them shoved into the cop car was the best and I swear to god, I saw Mr. Sanz smiling at the look on Uriel's face. I don't think I've ever see him smile, Cas."

"He's a lot nicer than people think," Castiel said, jostling his sister as he twisted beneath her legs so that he could reach his phone and call Dean, giving him a break from work and telling him about the drama that they missed.

"Yea, I'm just happy I take French." Anna replied, sitting up and pulling his pillow into her lap with a blush tingeing her cheeks. "Kevin kissed me goodnight."

"Awwww," Castiel said ruffling Anna's hair around her head, ignoring the tiny braids that Gabriel had peppered in as she talked. "He better have been a gentleman or I'm going to kick his ass. Martial arts expert or not, you're still my Anna-Banana."

"It was sweet, Cassie." Anna cooed, settling her chin into the hand that she had propped up on her lap. "His mom was like right there waiting for him in the car when he walked me to Gilda's car so it's not like he was going to try to shove his tongue down my throat or anything, but it was nice. Tingly."

"That's how it's supposed to be."

"I know," She sighed looking off starry-eyed with a smile quirking her mouth before she shook herself a bit and focused back on him with a roughish glint in her eyes. "How was your night? Gilda told me she thought it was going to be pretty eventful. After complaining about needing an eye transplant for about an hour she said that you practically kicked them out so that you could ravage Dean."

"That is not what happened."

"Alright, whatever so maybe I'm exaggerating, but are you going to tell me or not?"

"Not." Castiel said firmly, he was definitely not going to talk about sex with Anna, like ever. If he ever became an uncle he planned on just acting blissfully ignorant about how his future niece or nephew came into being and focus on spoiling the shit out of them instead.

"Boo," Anna pouted, sticking her tongue out at him and unfolding herself from the bed in a business like way. "Well if you aren't going to share then I'm going to go call Jo so that we can go to the mall. We're supposed to be shopping for Christmas present for our boys. Have you figured out what to get Dean yet?"

He had, but that option had pretty much gone out the window last night, not that he regretted it at all, but it just meant that he had no idea what to get the other boy now. Cas had been trying to surreptitiously figure out something to get Dean, but no one made cassettes anymore and his boyfriend had told him that under no circumstances was he ever going to replace Baby's defective tape deck with something that wouldn't have almost kept them apart when Castiel had first made the suggestion a couple of weeks earlier.

Cas had asked Sam, but the younger boy had just shrugged and told him that he had gotten Dean a book about Rob Halford from Judas Priest and it had taken Gabriel explaining the reasoning behind the gift before he had understood why the younger Winchester was rolling with laughter on their living room couch. Jo had said she was getting him another t-shirt because apparently that was her standard gift for Dean and he now knew why their friend got all huffy anytime she saw a grease stain from working in Bobby's garage on one of his boyfriend's shirts at school. Ash and Garth had both told him that they usually got Dean condoms and alcohol, high fiving each other when they had realized that those gifts were still applicable given Dean's knew relationship status.

Meg's suggestion had been the sex, with Luc complaining in the background that she did not need to turn Castiel into one of those partners who only had sex with their significant other on birthdays and holidays. He had sensed some underlying tension there, but after his morning with Dean feeling just as alive and on fire with the other boy in the shower as he had the night before well, he didn't think he was going to be able to keep his hands off of his boyfriend for more than a couple of hours let alone weeks or months at a time.

Castiel groaned and covered his eyes dramatically, kicking his feet in frustration where they were hanging off the edge of his bed and hating whoever it was that had come up with the idea that a bunch of stores crammed into a crowded, under ventilated building with not enough exits was the best way to shop. He looked meaningfully at his younger sister who was still waiting on his answer and she just sighed, bending down and tossing him his Converse from off of the floor before stating that she was going to go get her coat and purse and to meet her downstairs in fifteen minutes.

* * *

Dean didn't think that it would be that easy to buy something like that, but a couple of clicks and entering in the information in for his crappy, prepaid debit card thing that he had gotten so that he could buy Cas's gift online and he was done, smirking to himself because he was pretty sure it was the most thoughtful gift anyone could have gotten anyone ever. Cas was going to love it, he knew. Because Cas was the only one who knew how much that kind of thing meant to him and now, even if they didn't make it past graduation like that hateful girl in his Spanish class thought then there would always be this part of Cas that he had all to himself, something to remind him of the other boy if Cas broke up with him to go off to college somewhere.

He went to get the rest of the stuff he needed for his boyfriend's gift while Cas was at his therapy session that Thursday after the dance, just over a week left before Christmas and dinner with everyone at Ellen's like they usually did. Jo had said he could stay the night over there that night, which hadn't really come as a surprise because that's what he normally did on Christmas because it was just too depressing being in Bobby's empty, drafty house when the older man went over to take care of his dad bearing pie and a thermos full of coffee even though Dean kept coffee at the apartment.

He figured his uncle had a few issues with trusting that John kept their house stocked with groceries since he usually came home after Thanksgiving and Christmas to find the fridge and pantry full of food that he knew his dad hadn't bought. They didn't ever talk about it and Dean had learned long ago to try to stop thanking Bobby for it, saying that it was unnecessary since he could take care of him and Sam just fine, but around Christmas stuff always got tight and he knew that the older man was well aware of that. The holidays always meant that his dad wasn't working, spending more money than usual in the bars and needing rides home almost every night from Dean or Bobby in the weeks leading up to his mom and dad's wedding anniversary.

It hadn't been a big affair and Dean had only ever seen the one picture that his dad had tried to get rid of a couple of years after his mom left when Sam had found it shoved in between the pages of some big, dusty book Bobby had brought over to their apartment and left when he had been making sure John didn't drown in his own vomit in his sleep. The picture had been of his mom clearly showing that she was pregnant with Dean, John, an older man that looked too much like Sam to not be their grandfather and a woman that was probably his grandmother even though both of his maternal grandparents had died shortly after he was born.

His dad's mom had stopped speaking to John after his third failed stint in rehab, but she still sent Sam and Dean cards with money for their birthdays and holidays, calling every now and then to see how they were doing from her ramshackle house in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. That was where his granddad had left her, going out for cigarettes one night and never coming back in the most tired, cliché of walking out on your wife that could ever exist and she had just never left, raising John there where he had met Bobby and the rest was a big messy blur of history that the adults in his life never talked about around him or Sam.

Dean carefully put his other purchases in the trunk of the Impala, covering them with a blanket that he had started keeping back there so that he could sit at the picnic tables while Cas did his morning jogs in the park, brushing the snow off of the wet wood and trying to keep warm with just his coffee because most of the Golden Girls were not willing to brave the weather and the slippery ground to do their routine power walks in the morning. Millie still came and Dean was happy because she was pretty much his favorite sassy old lady ever, he imagined that she was what Jo would probably be like in fifty years with garish track suits and mouth like a sailor as she gossiped with Dean about Cas and her grandson that had just gotten married to his partner in California and all of the trouble they were having with trying to adopt.

She had a picture where the two men were flipping off a bunch protestors who were trolling in support of Proposition 8 over the summer in front of the San Francisco courthouse where they had been married, smiling into their kiss and looking like the only thing in the world they could give a fuck about was each other. Millie had cackled madly at Dean's stunned expression and told him that her grandson, Aaron, reminded her lot of Castiel and Dean would probably really like the other man's muscle bound partner, Judah, who she said was a big fantasy football guy. She had promised to have Dean and Castiel over the next time the two men visited Lawrence, which didn't happen often but he was still excited by the prospect of meeting a couple that had stuck together through difficult times.

Dean knew that eventually the shit would hit the fan with his dad and he just hoped that Cas was willing to stick with him through it, part of him wished that it would happen sooner rather than later just so that they could get it over with and move on to the real part of their lives. He felt weird thinking about a future with Cas where his dad was this unknown blur, would he want anything to do with him once he found out that both of his sons, not just Sam had feelings for another man? If the way his dad was refusing to talk about his younger brother and ignoring his presence during the few tense times they had been in the apartment together was any indication of how things might go, well then Dean had already started preparing himself for letting go of his dad too, just like he had let go of his mom after finally realizing that she wasn't coming back for him and Sam.

He didn't like the somber place that his thoughts were taking him, but when he walked into the diner to see Castiel waiting for him in their usual booth, writing in his journal and smiling at Barb when she refilled his coffee it was like the sun coming out even though the sky had been cloudy and overcast for days delivering the snow in the fluffy droves that the weather man had promised. Cas was going to love his present, because Cas loved him and Dean thought that if anyone deserved to have a place in the sky, it was his beautiful boyfriend because who else could compete with the stars besides Cas?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst is coming? Can you feel it? It's a lot like winter, you can sense it like a Stark and it just looms in the distance. I'm starting to look towards an ending for this part of the story, maybe somewhere like 30 chapters is what I'm shooting for. There will be a second part, hell there will probably be three parts to this monster because its my baby and I have to watch it grow up and go to college and disappoint me before I finally get grandkids out of the whole rotten deal. 
> 
> But anyway, rant. 
> 
> Sorry that this is late and I know that you've probably been cursing my name, regretting the day you ever stumbled on to this and I'm sorry! But I've been working on something else big and that's no excuse, but when its done ITS DONE and I'm sure you'll like it when I finally finish it. I will be on time next week I promise...I love you all. :)


	25. What's This?

Rachel promised that she would answer the phone this time if he needed her and Castiel kept reminding himself of that all through the surprisingly normal Christmas festivities at Jo's house. He had asked his therapist for help with his present for Dean and the thick manila envelope in his messenger bag that he had brought his gifts for everyone in felt like a looming anvil about to drop on his head and crush him.

But it was fine, really.

How could it not be fine when Ellen and Mrs. Milligan spent dinner slightly tipsy from eggnog and giggling over pictures of that guy who played Thor that Becky kept pulling up on her phone? Ash and Krissy had stopped by long enough to eat more of the turkey that Gabriel and Bobby had deep friend in the driveway, looking too much like children enjoying a science experiment for Sam to not snap a couple of surreptitious pictures on his new phone and that was perfectly perfect too. The younger Winchester was enjoying Instagram way too much, but Castiel really only used his phone to call or text people anyway so he had never understood the point of apps in the first place.

Dean had stayed close by his side all day, from the very minute that Castiel had walked in the doorway of the Harvelle house bearing the large presents that his family had gotten everyone since they hadn't even remembered to buy a Christmas tree this year before all that was left was sad, Charlie Brown-esque evergreens and store bought fake ones that Anna had just scowled distastefully at. Sam and Gabe had hung up some lights on the outside of the house, but really that was about the extent of the decorating that had occurred at the Novak household this year which is to say that it was still more than Castiel could ever remember his house in Pontiac ever being decked out for the holidays.

Adam and Jo had pulled a disappearing act sometime after dinner, once everyone was too stuffed and hung over on tryptophan to notice that the two had vanished until about an hour later when Ellen had hollered at Jo to help her put away the leftovers. Castiel texted Jo, asking where she was and the only reply he had gotten was a weird little winky emoticon so he figured that maybe Meg's advice about gifts hadn't just been given to him.

Kevin had made a brief appearance, stopping by long enough to give Anna her gift and a kiss on the cheek under the watchful eye of both of her brothers as well as the Winchesters who were just as protective of the younger girl as Cas and Gabe were. Castiel had stopped the younger man on his way back out to where his mom was waiting in their mini-van, the heater blowing valiantly in an effort to deter the fog caused by her breathing, to thank Kevin for what he had done after the dance and the younger man had just shrugged like it was nothing before clapping him on the shoulder and wishing him a Merry Christmas.

Gilda and her parents were busy working at the city's only youth homeless shelter for the holidays, volunteering with PFLAG because apparently most teenagers who ended up homeless were LGBT. It had been just another thing that Castiel had found himself thanking whoever it was out there that was watching out for him that his situation hadn't actually gotten to that point. Yea, it had been pretty fucking horrible, but he still had people on his side who didn't want him to end up on the street.

Sam and Dean did too, which was calming since over the last week the younger Winchester had been bringing whole boxes full of things over to the Novak household, unloading books and knick knacks in to various areas of the house so that they just blended in seamlessly with the things that had already been there. Castiel had seen the sad look on Dean's face every time he noticed that another one of his younger brother's things had migrated over to their house, but so far his boyfriend hadn't said anything about it.

They had started working on their story for Chuck's class, sitting around in flannel pajama pants and each other's shirts anytime that Dean wasn't working with Bobby at the garage and drafting up a rough outline of what they wanted to write about. Castiel had never been much of a writer; even the things he wrote in his journal for Rachel seemed trite in comparison to the eloquent descriptions that Dean had started coming up with to describe their characters. The larger boy had waved off Cas's compliments about his writing, blushing adorably and saying that he was just imitating the author's that he liked to read.

Castiel had thought about getting Dean a book for Christmas, some first edition Vonnegut something or other that the other boy would insist was too much, too expensive just like he did when Castiel had bought dinner for his boyfriend at the diner like he always did on the Thursdays they met after his therapy sessions. He hadn't meant for it to seem like he was trying to turn Dean into a charity case, but Sam had explained that that's probably what his older brother had taken it as after they had gotten back to Dean's apartment and had a stupid pointless fight about nothing in particular. He couldn't even remember what started it only that it had ended with Dean shutting himself in the bathroom until Cas had coaxed him out with promises of superhero movies and cookies.

They had made up in the way they usually did, with the slide of sweat-slick skin on skin and gasping moans of each other's names. Castiel was less than surprised by how much he enjoyed the feel of Dean's solid weight on top of him, sinking into him with an addicting burn that burst into pleasure when his boyfriend kissed him and held him and called him beautiful when they made love.

He knew that he had nothing else to compare it to, but still feeling Dean shuddering and throbbing against him, knowing that he was the one who made the other boy's green eyes hazy with desire and wide with amazement when he toppled into his orgasm well it made him feel like they had been made to fit together, like mismatched puzzle pieces that still formed a beautiful, meaningful picture. Castiel could admit that Dean's poetic sentimentality was rubbing off on him just a bit.

Their story was about a man who's best friend was an angel, Dean's idea of course and so far Castiel's only contribution had been the idea that the angel could hide his wings with a trench coat. His boyfriend had replied to that idea with something along the lines of "Holy Jesus, fuck yes." Nodding and scribbling at one of the pages in the same abused spiral that he and Dean used to pass notes in Chuck's classroom.

Castiel was content to let Dean write the story, just watching him from where he was usually perched sitting on the floor of Dean's room with his back pressed against Sam's bed, reading a book or listening to music. He enjoyed watching his boyfriend being genuinely engrossed in doing something he was talented at, he figured that it was probably the same way that Dean was at Bobby's garage but so far he had only seen Dean after he finished work, looking masculine and greasy and tired in a way that made Castiel want to rip his clothes off and throw the other boy down onto the nearest flat surface.

But that had only happened once in the time since they had started having sex and it had been awkward with Dean hitting his head on the edge of the nightstand next to his tiny bed and Castiel getting all tangled up in his button-down shirt when he had tried to pull it over his head without unbuttoning it. He figured that with enough practice the finer points of having spontaneous sex would get easier and Castiel was more than willing to practice as much as possible before they had to go back to school after the first of the year.

But he hadn't gotten a book for Dean's present, well maybe it was similar to a book. The thick ream of papers in the manila envelope that Rachel had given him containing the police reports and statements from everyone that the authorities had talked to about the events surrounding his suicide attempt was intimidating just to look at. That was part of the reason he was just going to give it all to Dean, let the other boy go through it in his own time because he knew that it was a lot, it was so much that the thought of actually telling his boyfriend about it out loud made him nauseous and dizzy.

It was nothing close to a panic attack, but they were warning signs that it might happen if he tried to continue his story about how the marks on his back had happened. Dean had been true to his word since Thanksgiving, not pushing for the full story even though Castiel could tell that his boyfriend wanted to, he could see it in the dejected expression that Dean got on his face when he watched him get dressed and feel it in the way that Dean kissed and caressed his scars like he would erase them if he could, take away the pain that had brought them into existence in the first place and bear it all so that Castiel didn't have to.

Cas wasn't sure what exactly had given him the idea for Dean's Christmas present only that nothing at the mall seemed good enough for the other boy, nothing else he had found expressed just how much he wanted Dean to know that this was real. This was something that he didn't want to let go of and if one thing was going to come between them then it was going to be his past and his father and his fucked up fucking head. He had bared everything about himself for Dean except for this one little thing, this thing that come February and the trial was just going to be a bad nightmare that he had lived through, a skeleton to be taken out of the closest and buried so that the ghosts of his past would finally stop haunting him.

So it was a gamble at best to give the other boy the entire story of how he had become so damaged because frankly, it freaked some people out. Castiel wasn't blind, he had seen how the doctors and nurses at the hospital had looked at him afterwards, keeping him in the psych ward for observation for a week to make sure that he wasn't going to try to kill himself again while they pumped him full of antibiotics in order to fight off an infection from the cuts on his back and chest that his father and Raphael had let fester as part of his punishment for loving someone they thought God wouldn't approve of.

Castiel could still remember how it had almost come as a relief to swallow down the pain pills that his father had been withholding from him, medication that had been prescribed so that he could deal with the stabbing pangs of breathing caused by his cracked ribs from the incident at Lake Forrest. Pain that was exacerbated by being forced to pray and genuflect until he had wanted to pass out from the exhaustion and the pounding in his head just to get away for a little bit from his father and Raphael's voices constantly throwing scripture and sermon at him in an effort to make him "normal" again. Death had seemed less scary then, more like a safe haven that would cradle him and rock him off to sleep like someone did in only his most vague and hazy memories from childhood.

Dean was either going to continue to be his new safe haven, one that made him happy to be alive and thankful for the hell his life had been before because it made him truly appreciate what he had now or he was going to freak out, leave him to pick up the pieces of himself yet again when another person shattered his trust so that he could try to build himself into someone who wasn't so easily broken. Castiel knew he was stronger now and if Dean left it would hurt, hurt more than probably anything else in his entire life ever had, but like tempered steel it would only make him tougher every time he had to put himself through the searing heat of loss again.

Long after dinner had wound down and Garth got tricked into putting away most of the food with Becky helping intermittingly before she got distracted by Ellen waving her back over to where the older woman had drunkenly commandeered his friend's phone to show her something else risqué she had found on the internet, Castiel found himself in the guest bedroom with Dean, second door on the left. Part of his mind was yelling out a triumphant 'Fuck you' to Cassie because the sounds that were coming out of Dean were so much better than anything he had heard coming out of the bedroom on that night he had walked in on his boyfriend with the other girl.

The rest of his mind was trying to focus on mapping out exactly how hard he had to bite and suck at his boyfriend's neck in order to leave a hickey the size of Alaska, it was a delicate process. But Dean had quite literally been asking for it, after the fourth time that he had cornered Castiel with some mistletoe and kissed him in a way that bordered on pornographic causing the rest of the people who happened to be unlucky enough to be around to wretch and beg for them to just get a room already, which they had so there.

With Dean pined underneath him it was easy to forget about the fact that come morning, his boyfriend was going to know everything about him and then it would be the larger boy's decision of whether or not Castiel was worth sticking around for, sullied and fallen as he was. It was easy to focus instead on how his boyfriend groaned and tightened his grip on his hair when Castiel muttered that he loved him into the hot, damp skin of the other boy's neck. And how the worldly, experienced, heartbreaking Dean Winchester was rutting against the thigh that Cas had slipped between his legs, pressing his insistent erection against Castiel's hip with stuttering, needy motions.

The smaller boy decided to hold onto this, this right here when Dean was flushed and aroused, his lips kiss-swollen and his neck reddened from stubble-burn, pupils blown wide in his green eyes when Castiel pulled back to start fumbling with the fastenings on Dean's jeans. This was what he had become addicted to, the feeling of being wanted by another person; the knowledge that there was another person who felt the same way about him devoid of pity or disgust. He was going to hold on to the memory of that feeling even if Dean stopped loving him and left because it would be proof that someone out there thought that he was worth something.

"Babe, no." Dean murmured, sounding pained and out of breath as he stilled Castiel's frantic hands.

Castiel frowned at him, licking his lips and pouting that Dean had stopped him when obviously this was what they both wanted, again. Not that there was a lot of time when at least one of them didn't want the other to be naked, but they had agreed that for the sake of productiveness that when one of them said enough well then it was just going to have to wait; more often than not it was Dean stopping their lust fueled encounters because he had to go to work or his Dad was calling him from a bar somewhere for a ride home. Castiel didn't know where the other boy got the will power to stop because he never wanted to, but he had learned that Dean wasn't the type of person to start something that he didn't plan on finishing later.

He sat back on his heels, wincing when his jeans pulled snugly across his own erection and adjusting the bulge so that he could be more comfortable until he got his breath back and his knees stopped shaking. Castiel ran a hand through his hair, watching Dean's chest rise and fall underneath his Metallica t-shirt; smirking when he shifted off the other boy and earned a stifled groan as Dean caught him around the waist and pulled him up next to him on the bed, running a finger along the curve of his jaw and down his neck until he was shivering from the awe-struck look that his boyfriend was giving him.

"I want to give you your Christmas present," Dean said softly, sounding uncertain and small in a way that Castiel wasn't used to hearing.

"I kinda thought that's what you were doing," Castiel replied mischievously, pressing closer to the other boy so that he could settle his face in the crook of Dean's neck.

"No, we have to take a field trip." Dean mumbled above him, tightening his arms where they had circled around Castiel's waist for a second before climbing quickly to his feet, pulling the smaller boy with him out of the bedroom and towards the front of the house.

"Where are you two going?" Gabriel called from where he was leaning up against Sam, dwarfed by the long arm that the younger man had slung around shoulders and watching _It's A Wonderful Life_ with Jo who had turned up at some point while Dean and Castiel were otherwise occupied, sprawled gingerly in the armchair nearby and Anna who was texting someone, probably Kevin.

"Presents," Cas said with a shrug, taking his jacket that Dean was holding out to him impatiently by the front door.

"It's dark outside," Sam pointed out, sounding amused by how his older brother was shuffling back and forth on his feet like an excited fifth grader. "And cold."

"I realize that, Sammy." Dean snarked, making an exasperated noise when Castiel went into the kitchen to get his messenger bag that he had already divested of all of its contents except for Dean's gift. "Cas, c'mon."

Castiel grumbled under his breath about patience being a virtue, smiling inwardly when he remembered Dean's use of the same phrase in a much more graphic situation. He waved goodbye to his older brother, who he knew he probably wouldn't see again until the morning when Gabe and Anna came back to the Harvelle house to open presents since Ellen had not taken no for an answer when she had told the Novaks that they were invited to breakfast in the morning. Cas knew that he and his siblings were going to have to get used to people caring about them for no reason other than they did, it wasn't something any of them had much experience with from their much more stoic family in Pontiac. It was just another reason why all of the new people in his life had quickly turned Lawrence into home.

* * *

Christmas was always a hard time for Bobby, not because he didn't like holidays even though he had more bad memories than good to associate with the winter months, but because it was pretty much the only two days a year, Christmas Eve and Christmas, that John Winchester was sober.

He knew that the other man did it all for him, fought away the shakes and the sweats that John got when the alcohol started to work its way out of his system in order to be the person that Bobby used to know, even if it was only for a little while. The guilt he felt for keeping this part of John all to himself was usually what drove Bobby to drink himself stupid for the week after Christmas, being no use to anybody and relying on Dean way more than he should to get stuff done around the shop. He knew it was selfish and unfair and pretty much the worst thing he had ever done to the two boys that he considered his own, but Bobby had never been good at saying no to John, at walking away even when it was obvious that it would be better for the both of them if he did.

On Thanksgiving he always went shopping by himself, killing the time between leaving his house and picking up John from the seediest bars in Lawrence, drunker than a skunk and going on and on about how Bobby ruined his life. But on Christmas Eve, he and John made the drive over to the store in John's old GMC truck, talking but not about all of the little things that they used to do when they were kids, reminiscing about camping trips that became a lot more meaningful when they became teenagers and it became a study in each other's bodies just as much as it had always been about avoiding Bobby's drunken, abusive dad.

When they were kids and John's laughs had still come as easy as breathing, that's when Bobby had fallen in love with his best friend. It had taken John a little longer to admit that he had more than platonic feelings for the weird, shy Singer boy than had grown to become the most important person in his life because he was the only one who hadn't cared about the gossip surrounding what exactly might have caused Henry Winchester to leave his wife and the then four year old John in Sioux Falls, disappearing without a trace one spring night and never coming back.

They were each other's closest confidants and protectors, sticking up for each other against school yard bullies, earning more black eyes and busted lips than either of their mom's were comfortable with. That had turned into John providing refuge for Bobby when things got really bad at home, when he couldn't watch his mom cower and cringe away from every move his father made even though the older man's words bruised just as badly as his fists did. Their first kiss had been bloody and teary and more about Bobby needing to feel like somebody, anybody cared about him enough to not think that he was worthless than actually acting on the feelings for John that he had kept pent up over the years.

Their second kiss had been just as bloody, but that's because he had punched John for calling him a faggot when Bobby had told him to admit that he wanted whatever this thing was between them just as badly as he did. That led to years of hiding and self-loathing on John's part until finally their luck ran out and Bobby's dad had come at them with a shotgun, eyes blazing and spewing the worst hate-speech imaginable. The gun going off had been an accident, but John had still run anyway.

Bobby stayed away from him for two years, receiving the odd letter in the mail postmarked from Lawrence, Kansas, but it was the call that brought him running. The call where John had been crying and apologizing and telling him he loved him but that he had just been so lonely and drunk and had royally fucking fucked up. He had met Mary then, wishing that she had never been dragged into their mess and hating John just a little bit for falling for the first skirt to bat her eyes at him.

Later he would admit that Mary was a lot more than that, that she genuinely had feelings for John and maybe it hadn't been love, but if he had left after the wedding it probably could have been someday. But he had been stubborn and angry and unwilling to let go of John even though he was married now with a son because the other man had been his first. He might have inherited his father's penchant for self-destructive behavior just a little bit when he bought the old scrap yard on the outskirts of town and started up the garage, hiring John as his first employee because hell, he had a family to support now and Dean was going to be the closest thing he ever had to a kid so he wanted to make sure his friend's son was taken care of.

And it gave him a place where he and John could pick up where they left off, ignoring the judgmental looks that Rufus gave them when they tumbled out of Bobby's house and into the garage, hastily tucking in clothing and trying to act like the other employee hadn't just caught John cheating on his wife with another man. The drinking started then with John, but Bobby ignored it because he was just happy to have the other man back in his life no matter how much he may have felt like a home-wrecker for smiling in Mary's face when she came by with baby Dean to see John during his lunch breaks.

When she got pregnant with Sam, Dean having just learned how to walk, taking his first steps in the living room of his house with a look of fierce determination on his face that was so similar to how John looked sometimes that it nearly broke Bobby's heart, the betrayal was almost too much for him. He could admit now that it was stupid of him to think that John wouldn't sleep with Mary, she was his wife after all and if he didn't then she would get suspicious, tell the whole town about the homosexuals in their midst and John would run again; farther and faster than the first time and maybe the next time he wouldn't start to miss him.

That wasn't a chance that Bobby could take, so he feigned happiness; gratefully accepting the designation of uncle from Mary and John when the gangly, long-limbed Sam joined the Winchester family, choking up when the baby griped his finger and smiled that thousand-watt smile that Bobby hadn't seen on the teenage Sam's face in a while until Gabriel came along. He wasn't lying when he told Rufus he was worried about history repeating itself.

John had become an eerie, twisted shell of his former self, something that Bobby could only blame himself for since after Sam was born he started to pull away, deciding that it was better for the entire Winchester clan if he just faded out of their lives as much as possible. He did it partially for Mary who just trusted him so damn much that he couldn't keep lying to her, but mostly he did it for the boys because they deserved to have a father that they looked up to and respected, someone who was a better man than his own father ever had been.

The other man hadn't understood, blaming Bobby's distance on him not loving him anymore, which wasn't true; if anything Bobby loved John too much wanting to consume him and possess him in ways that John could never commit to as long as he was with Mary and it scared the ever-loving shit out of him. So he put himself in the role of the impassive boss, spending as little time with John alone as possible until finally the other man stopped trying to corner him and kiss him and force something that couldn't, shouldn't happen between them anymore.

The drinking got worse with John taking out his frustrations on Mary and the boys and that had never been Bobby's intention so he opened up his home to Dean and Sam, sheltering them from their mother and father's fighting that he was the cause of to begin with. The other man stopped coming to work, probably because he couldn't stand to be around Bobby anymore without calling him some stupid, uninventive homophobic slur that he suspected John was directing more at himself, falling back onto the self-hatred that had served him so well as a kid when he blamed himself for his father leaving until Bobby had convinced him that no one was at fault for that except Henry.

A lot of people thought that Mary left because John had just gotten so unbearable that of course she couldn't stand it anymore, only leaving Sam and Dean behind because she knew that they had Bobby and Ellen and a good portion of the community to help them since Mary had been so well-loved in Lawrence before she married John. But Bobby knew the truth, even though he was pretty sure that John didn't.

She stopped to talk to him on her way out of town, to blame him is more like it, for turning John into this person who couldn't be happy about anything anymore and for making him hate his own son because he saw something in Dean that he had seen in himself when he and Bobby used to hold hands and skip rocks in Sioux Falls, not realizing that it wasn't something that little boys did with each other until John's mother had gently admonished them for it. He realized then that she had known, had probably always known about him and John, but had been willing to overlook it for the sake of appearances so that her kids could have a semi-normal family, something he knew Mary had lacked growing up just like he and John had.

Bobby had promised her then that he would do better, that he would take care of Sam and Dean because he owed them some semblance of stability and not asking why she didn't take them with her because he knew, he had seen how hard it was for John's mom to raise just him by herself and he didn't blame Mary for thinking that they would be better off without the bitterness that had wedged itself between their mother and father, constantly forcing them to pick a side.

He had thought about asking John to come live with him then, about patching up what was left of the relationship that they had once had but the other man had driven himself into such a drunken stupor after Mary left that John was lucky Bobby hadn't killed him for everything he said to him that first night he picked him up from the drunk tank, thanking the then Deputy Jody Mills for not pressing charges against his friend for being so goddamned stupid.

After years of resentment, fueled by loneliness and anger and love that still clung stubbornly to every fiber of his being, Bobby was just thankful for the times that John wasn't drunk.

Even if it was only for a couple of days, even though they didn't talk about the past that had brought them to this point in their lives; to the grey hairs and the bloodshot eyes and the voices that had gotten gravely from alcohol and screaming at each other every time he and John got in a fight that sometimes ended with John lurching across the seat of whoever's car they were in and pressing their mouths together in a desperate, bruising kiss that he wouldn't remember in the morning.

Bobby always remembered those kisses how they tasted like whiskey or cheap bourbon and smelled like John's sweat and familiarity and home, just like he remembered the ones that had started all of this and the ones that happened on accident and all of the ones in between when they had been happy and hopeful, making plans for a life together that would never happen because there was always something standing in their way. Christmas was hard because it reminded him of how things could have been, if they both had had the guts to stop running and hiding for once in their lives.

He learned not to question how long it would be until a drunken, angry John called him a fag again, because it was going to happen and it was going to hurt just like it always did. Instead he tried to be grateful that John wasn't as bad as his father, but that didn't keep him from forgetting what he had said to Rufus on Thanksgiving; when he had called his old friend in for backup after Sam had come to him with a hand shaped red-mark on his face from John and Bobby had been seeing a million different shades of red that John had the nerve to hit his son for liking another man.

He knew that history sometimes repeated itself; empires rose and fell, cities burned while assholes fiddled, but he sure as hell hoped that it didn't happen this time.

* * *

Dean was dying of nervousness inside as he drove Cas over to Bobby's scrap yard, leading his boyfriend into the maze of twisted metal and rusted out vehicles until he got to the spot that had the crappy, not even off-white anymore 1982 Buick convertible whose heater still worked if you put a battery into the car. He had been planning this all week, picking out a spot that was far enough away from the lights of Bobby's house that they would be able to see the stars without any problems.

He had propped up the cheap, but still decent telescope that he had brought on the dash, angling it through the part of the car where the windshield used to be before the accident that had twisted the car's rear had put the Buick out of commission for good. There was a blanket folded up in the passenger seat that Dean had covered with a tarp after clearing them of snow the day before and all of the certificates had arrived in the mail on Tuesday, but the only thing he had framed was the star chart because it was what Cas would need to find the damn thing on his own if he wanted to.

Castiel frowned confusedly at the setup, his hands shoved into the pocket of his pea coat as he shuffled his feet in the mostly untouched snow that surrounded the vehicles in this part of the scrap yard. His messenger bag was looped over one shaking shoulder and Dean rushed to take it from his boyfriend, opening up the passenger side door of the broken down vehicle and moving the tarp so that Cas could sit down without getting soaked through his clothes from snow.

He ran around the other side of the car and ducked down under the steering console, sparking the wires together that would start the vehicle and the heater since the key had long ago been lost somewhere never to be seen again. Dean climbed in and settled the messenger bag on the floorboard at his and Castiel's feet before turning towards his boyfriend and draping the blanket over their laps.

"You're being very thorough, Dean." Castiel remarked drily and Dean just smiled when he heard his own nervousness reflected in his boyfriend's voice. Cas always got the most sarcastic when he was anxious about something and it took everything he had not to leave his boyfriend in suspense for a couple of more minutes.

"Well, I don't want you freezing or anything," Dean replied firmly, pulling the other boy flush against his side with an arm around his shoulders, just like they did when they were waiting for the Impala to warm up. The heater of the Buick was blowing valiantly, but without a roof a lot of the warm air was just steaming out into the frigid night around them.

"I must be doing something right if you're giving me my present early," Castiel muttered, pressing his face into Dean's neck with a contended sigh.

"You're perfect, sweetheart," Dean said, meaning it with every single fiber of his being because he still didn't know what he had done to deserve someone so wonderful and kind as the boy sitting next to him. "But, I did need for it to be dark so that I could give you your gift, it was either do it early or you were going to be stuck waiting until tomorrow night."

"You made a wise decision, Winchester." Castiel said lowly, kissing his neck on the tender spot that Dean could still feel throbbing duly in time with his pulse where Castiel had been so intent on marking him earlier. "I can be very impatient."

"Trust me, I know." Dean groaned, pulling back from the other boy so that he could try to focus on something other than how good it would feel to have Castiel's mouth somewhere else right now. He smirked at the unconscious growl his boyfriend let out before his attention was diverted from Dean's neck to the night sky as the larger boy gestured to the twinkling constellations above them. "There's your present, babe."

He watched as Cas gazed at the sky above him, his mouth turning down into a frown and his head tilting in confusion before he looked back at Dean. "I don't get it."

Dean shook his head and chuckled to himself, because that's kinda what he had hoped his boyfriend would say. He reached behind them into the backseat of the Buick, tossing the tarp farther back over the crumpled trunk so that he could reach the framed star chart which he settled into his boyfriend's lap with a triumphant smirk. Castiel's star was right near the Andromeda constellation, something he had done on purpose since it was a reminder of that first night that he had walked the other boy home after movie night, when they talked about the vibrating that Dean now felt under his skin anytime anyone even mentioned his boyfriend. He pointed out the dot of light that was circled in red on the paper and then raised his hand up to where he knew the star was because he had been looking at it all week, marveling at how it had a faint blueish tinge to it that was the exact same shade as Castiel's eyes.

"Right there," Dean said hearing his boyfriend gasp in understanding beside him, seeing him raise a hand up to cover his mouth beside him. "That's your star, Cas."

"Show me," Castiel said softly and Dean double checked the telescope to make sure that the star was centered in the circle of magnification before putting a guiding hand on the other boy's back and pressing gently until Cas leaned forward to look through the eyepiece.

The other boy was silent as he looked through the telescope and Dean could feel the muscles in Castiel's back tensing through his coat, drawing inward until both of the other boy's hands were wrapped around the plastic telescope right above the eyepiece, knuckles white and shoulders hunched in a way that made his heart sink. Maybe this wasn't as good an idea as he had thought that it would be.

Dean had told Cas how much astronomy meant to him, that it was something that just him and Sam and their mom had shared because John was usually too busy staring at the bottom of a bottle to bother looking at the sky. His boyfriend knew that it wasn't something he told a lot of people about because it hurt to think of a time when his mom still cared about them, but that had never stopped Dean from looking out his window at night waiting for the shooting star that he could wish on to make his mom come back or the one that would make his dad happy.

Maybe this was too much; it was like a forever thing. That star was always going to be Castiel's, there was never going to be a time now that he wouldn't look up and think of Dean and this moment and their time together which had kinda been the point because he wanted Cas to always want to look at the stars with him. But Cas wasn't making happy noises or kissing him like he thought he would, in fact, Dean was pretty sure that the other boy was crying and wasn't that just the fucking worst thing that could be happening right now? Did that mean that Cas had already planned on not spending forever with him? That this was too grand of a gesture for a fleeting high school romance because that's all that his boyfriend thought this was?

"Talk to me, Cas." Dean choked out, rubbing his boyfriend's back in soothing circles because if he didn't do something with his hands then he was going to tear his own hair out waiting on a response.

"It's beautiful," Castiel sniffled out, pulling back and wiping at the tears that had streaked silently down his face as he looked through the telescope. "It's the best gift I've ever gotten. I love it, Dean."

Dean let out the breath that he hadn't realized he had been holding and leaned in to kiss the other boy, just a soft brush of his lips against Cas's chapped pink ones that held the promise of a future that would burn as bright as the stars if that's what his boyfriend wanted. He was smiling when he pulled away, until he saw that Castiel was still crying, huffing softly beside him and looking up at the sky with the most miserable, distraught expression that he had ever seen.

"Babe, what's wrong?" Dean asked grasping onto the fingers of Castiel's hand that he had dropped despondently into his lap, griping the other boy tight so that he wouldn't run away from him.

"Nothing, it's nothing Dean." Castiel said, wiping furiously at his eyes and forcing a shaky smile onto his face. "Do you want your gift? I brought it with me."

"Sure, Cas." Dean replied softly, not really understanding why his boyfriend was so upset if he liked the present so much. "I mean, it can wait until morning if you want. It's not a big deal or anything, I just wanted you to see yours first. I thought it would mean more if it was just you and me alone when I gave it to you."

"Dean, its perfect. I swear, its fantastic." Castiel replied, pulling him into a teary, trembling kiss breathing hot into Dean's mouth and choking back a sob before he ducked down to rummage something out of his messenger bag.

He watched as his boyfriend pulled out a battered looking manila envelope that had Castie's name written on the reference tab, stuffed full to bursting of papers and held closed with a wide, overstretched rubber band. Castiel bit his lip, smoothing out the curled edges of the folder with shaking hands before he shoved the whole thing into Dean's lap and dove back towards the telescope, pressing his face firmly against the eyepiece and offering no other explanations to the larger boy about what the hell was going on.

"So this is it then?" Dean asked, trying to not sound disappointed because he wasn't really. The fact that Cas had gotten him anything was more than he could've hoped for because he considered it a miracle anytime he got to wake up with the other boy wrapped in his arms, but he sure as fuck was confused.

Castiel nodded against the telescope, being careful not to jostle it from the position that Dean had put it in. "It's all there. A lot of it is the same stuff over and over; they may have been assholes, but they did their jobs. Never let it be said that the Pontiac police department isn't scrupulous."

He frowned down at the folder at the mention of police, whipping off the rubber band and leaving it hanging loosely off of his wrist as he started leafing through the pages and pages of police reports and witness statements, documents that looked professional and intimidating with terrifying words like 'abuse' and 'hate-crime' and 'coercion'. Dean was a couple of pages in, too engrossed to notice the iron grip that Castiel had on his thigh until it started to hurt from the other boy's fingernails pressing into his skin through the denim of his jeans, when he saw the words that made his heart stop.

Suicide attempt.

Dean tried to breathe, but couldn't. The cold air was like knives tearing at his chest and throat as he fought to reconcile what he knew about Cas, his beautiful, happy, loving boyfriend with the person described in the pages he was holding; someone who was so desperate and unhappy and hopeless that he had swallowed a bottle of Vicodin in order to punish himself for something that his family had tried to convince him was sinful. The other boy had told him that the marks on his back had happened when he was sad and lonely, but that didn't even begin to describe the horrors that Dean was reading on page after page of statements written out in Castiel's messy, scribbled handwriting.

The marks on his back were from something called a scourge, Castiel had done those himself, using the weapon to mortify his flesh and pray and atone under his father's watchful stare while the Novak patriarch urged him to keep going until God forgave him. The scar, the cross, on his chest was from his older brother, Raphael, and that had been the one and only time the two other men had touched Cas. Apparently the eldest Novak son had been so overcome with the need to save his younger brother that he had thought having the Lord's mark on him forever would remind Castiel of what he was losing by choosing to be attracted to other men.

It wasn't a choice and the fact that Cas had almost died because two people who were supposed to care about him and protect him had convinced him of that made Dean's hands shake with rage, crinkling the papers in his hands as he fought to keep himself from ripping them to shreds. This explained so much, why Cas was so closed off when he had first come to Lawrence, the panic attacks, the anxiety medication, the therapy sessions. All of it made so much more sense now and Dean just needed to know that it wasn't something that his boyfriend would ever consider doing again.

"You...tried to...kill yourself." Dean stated, forcing the words out because he knew that Cas would want to know that he knew the whole story. That had to have been why his boyfriend had given him all of this in the first place, because he trusted that Dean could handle knowing the truth not because he was trying to ruin the holidays, but because Christmas meant family and safety and home and Cas had found all of those with him.

Beside him Castiel nodded, tipping his head back and keeping his gaze locked onto the sky even though all Dean wanted to do was reassure him that he would never be put in a position where he felt that hopeless and powerless ever again. But first he had to ask, just to chase away the snakes roiling in his stomach because he was never going to be able to sleep again if the thought still even flittered through his boyfriend's head.

"You don't still want to..." Dean started softly, gusting out a relieved breath when Castiel shook his head quickly beside him, the determined set of the other boy's jaw letting him know that it was true and he didn't need to know anything else. "Good. Because you don't get to do that, Cas. You don't get to just check out and leave anymore."

"I know," Castiel said softly beside him, glancing over with eyes that still held unshed tears and easing his grip on Dean's thigh until he could feel the blood throbbing in the spots where his boyfriend's fingers had been digging in painfully. "I'm sorry."

"NO." Dean barked forcefully, letting the papers and folder fall to the floorboards of the derelict vehicle so that he could cup his boyfriend's face in his hands because they didn't matter, none of it mattered to him because it was in the past and all that was important now was Cas and making his boyfriend understand that he didn't have anything to apologize for.

"None of it was your fault, do you hear me sweetheart? Not a single fucking thing. They did it. Your dad and brother are the ones who deserve every rotten thing that happens to them and all you deserve is to be happy. You've been through so much and you're so strong and beautiful, I don't know why you picked me Cas but all you do is make me better. You're amazing and you mean the world to me, so if you ever feel like that again then you have to promise me that you won't try to hurt yourself. Do anything else, but don't deprive this world of someone who is going to change it for the better."

"You can't know that, Dean." Castiel muttered, rolling his eyes at him but leaning into Dean's touch with a smile ghosting at the corners of his mouth.

"I can fucking know that," Dean replied firmly, pressing a kiss to his boyfriend's forehead and sending a wordless thanks to the stars that fate had intervened to save Castiel before it was too late. Anna was going to get the biggest, bestest birthday presents for the rest of her life from Dean if it was the last thing he did. He dropped his voice as ran his thumbs over Cas's cheekbones, clearing away the last of the tears as the other boy twisted his hands into Dean's jacket. "Promise me, Cas."

"I make a lot of promises to you, Dean." The other boy said softly, sighing heavily and letting a shiver run through him as the cold finally settled into his bones now that the adrenaline laced fear over Dean's reaction had subsided.

"Just one more, babe." Dean said even though he knew it was a lie, someday he would ask Cas for more promises ones that weren't driven by the fear of losing the other boy but instead by the desire to keep them together for the rest of their lives, for now though this was the last one he needed to hear to get him through the night.

"I promise, darling." Castiel said, looking back up towards his star, to the piece of the universe that he would always have to remind him of how much Dean cared about him and he silently promised himself if things ever got bad again, this star would pull him through it, all the way to the other side of the fire and back to the person who loved him despite his faults and his past. "I promise."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, okay. _I know._ The Bobby/John pairing isn't popular, but I needed it in order to keep you all from hating Mary and hating John completely and hating Bobby because shit happens and people fuck up because they think they are doing the right thing. No one in this story is perfect 100% of the time, except for maybe Kevin just because he his. Advanced Placement and all of that, let me know what you think. Even if its just you being freaked out by Bobby/John, let me know because I like to hear from you guys.
> 
> Also please forgive me for by bad, Nightmare Before Christmas inspired title, I cackled madly to myself over it because all I could picture was Castiel singing a version of it when he had his first human Christmas. My mind goes to weird places sometimes.


	26. What's Expected of You

Dean never got his hopes up for the holidays, he was just content to get the same old gifts from all of his friends; the t-shirts from Jo and joking gifts from Ash and Garth when his two friends teased him for his rampant alcoholism that was much less rampant now that he was with Cas and for his promiscuity, also a non-issue now that he was with Cas, but he figured that it was the thought that counted. Sam always got him books and that still held true when he unwrapped his present from his younger brother to find a book about Judas Priest.

Bobby usually got him something practical, some part that he needed for the Impala or just straight up cash if his dad's drinking had been particularly out of hand lately. Which it had so that's what he was expecting when he and Cas finally stumbled back to the Harvelle house, late for breakfast with disheveled hair and matching stubble because they had only peeled themselves out of the bed in Bobby's guest bedroom to answer the phone calls from Jo and Gabriel since they just wouldn't stop no matter how comfortable and content they were wrapped up together.

After learning how close he had come to losing Cas, Dean couldn't get the other boy into the house fast enough; stripping off his boyfriend's clothes with a frantic desperation that bordered on panic because he just needed to reassure himself that Cas was there and safe and not going to leave him anytime soon. Castiel had forced him to slow down, holding his hands firmly at his sides so that they could make it up the stairs to the bed with more clothes on than Dean had wanted.

It was almost as if his boyfriend could tell how much that folder of papers had frightened him, because Cas kept muttering soothing things in his ear and stroking his hair and shushing the broken, dry-eyed sobs that were wracking through him when the other boy tried to pull too far away from him. Dean hadn't known why he was freaking out so badly, Cas promised him that he wouldn't do it again, but still his emotions were flying between fury at his boyfriend's father and brother who had hurt him so badly and fear the other boy would try to do it again.

People lied all of the time and obviously it was something Castiel was still struggling with or he wouldn't need the medication and the therapist. Dean just needed to make sure now more than ever that he didn't do anything to drive Cas towards his breaking point, because he was a fuck up and there was no way he deserved to be with someone as strong and as brave as the other boy. He needed to be better, he needed to be the best because that's what Cas needed.

Dean kept their kisses close, moving his mouth off of Castiel's long enough to just get their shirts over their heads and all he wanted to say was that he loved him because he did, he so fucking did but Cas was saying it for him and all Dean could do was nod and move his mouth down the other boy's jaw to kiss reverently and breathe in the clean, minty cold scent of the other boy because he just wanted to be wrapped up in it for the rest of his life. They were going to be so happy, he was going to make it happen if it was the only good thing he ever did.

They made love slowly in the darkened guest bedroom and Dean was thankful that Bobby always hung out with his dad on Christmas because he kept telling Cas that he was beautiful and didn't bother trying to be quiet because he wanted his boyfriend to know exactly how much he enjoyed it when Castiel touched him or moved against him so that the other boy would know that he mattered and needed to stick around if for no other reason than Dean needed him to. He needed Cas like he needed oxygen or food, he would die if something happened to the other boy.

The smaller boy took control of the situation because Dean couldn't seemed to get past the horrible aching hole that opened up in his chest anytime his thoughts strayed back towards losing Cas. He moved over the larger boy, mouthing along his muscles and across the flat planes of his hipbones murmuring that he wasn't going anywhere and telling him to breathe and that they didn't need to let it ruin their night. All Dean could do was arch his back and force out the bad thoughts so that they wouldn't taint anymore of their memories together. It was the past and it didn't matter.

They didn't fall asleep until the early morning hours because Dean couldn't stop touching Cas, tracing the lines of his body and mapping out his moles and scars so that he would never forget anything about the other boy and all of the reserved grace that had been overlooked or unappreciated by the people that had wronged his boyfriend. And Cas was really just as much at fault for them being late to breakfast because it's not like he stopped him or anything, at least that's what Dean told Ellen when he tamped the snow off his boots and wandered into the kitchen for a cup of coffee.

He hadn't been expecting to see Bobby sitting there, looking just as grizzled and tired and red-eyed as his dad did sometimes after a hard and heavy night of drinking, sporting a black eye and a busted lip. Dean clenched his jaw when Bobby waved off his questions about what had happened and just told him to top off his coffee because he had had a long stinkin' night. John had never hit Bobby and as far as Dean knew he had never hit his mom or Sam either. He had always been content to be his dad's punching bag if it meant that everyone else was spared and most of the time it was just a slap or a push or a grip on his arm or wrist that was just the wrong side of painful. Nothing as bad as how Bobby looked and Dean knew his dad was the only person who could've done it.

Dean grabbed his coffee and went to find Sam and Gabe sitting in the living room, shaking wrapped boxes of Christmas presents like a couple of excited ten-year olds and having a surprisingly serious discussion about what had happened to Bobby.

"He doesn't usually come back for presents," Sam was saying to Gabriel when Dean walked up, hurriedly setting down the gift he had been shaking and crossing his arms over his chest. "Usually he stays with dad until Dean and I get home and most of the time dad's passed out by the time we get there. I think they got into a fight or something."

"Do they fight a lot?" Gabe asked, shaking a small box particularly hard and making a started face when it clinked at him alarmingly.

"No," Dean sighed, sipping at his coffee and rubbing a hand over his face. He arched his neck to see Cas sitting at the breakfast table with Bobby, smiling at something the older man was saying to him so maybe it wasn't as bad as it looked. "I mean they argue, but mom and dad fought a lot more and I know he's gotten into bar fights and stuff, but I don't think John's ever hit Bobby."

"I just have a bad feeling about this," Sam said, brushing his hair behind his ear and clearing his throat when Bobby and Castiel were ushered into the room by Ellen and Jo.

Dean nodded in agreement, but forced a smile on his face when Cas plopped down gingerly beside him, nudging at Gabriel with his foot so the older man would scoot over on the floor so Anna could sit beside him, having appeared suddenly from down the hallway.

"Where were you?" Cas asked his younger sister.

"Well you took off and I know Tweedle Dee and Dum like to have the house to themselves so I did everyone a favor and commandeered the guest bedroom," Anna said with a shrug, doing a double take at Bobby's black eye and shooting a worried look at Jo who was watching her mom fuss over the older man.

"Let's get this show on th' road," Bobby said gruffly, batting Ellen's hovering hands away from his face and jutting his chin at the Christmas tree and the presents that had gone unmolested by Sam and Gabriel underneath. "C'mon I need some goddanged Christmas cheer."

By the time that everyone had a sizable pile of presents in front of them, everyone except for Bobby because he had never liked getting gifts and this was the first time that Dean could remember the older man actually being around when they opened presents, Dean was really feeling his lack of sleep getting to him and if the way Cas was leaning heavily onto his shoulder was any indication, his boyfriend was worn out too. Cas was still smiling goofily at Gabe and Sam who had gotten him a record player with some records and fiddling with the scarf that Ellen had knit him and Dean just wished that someone would take a freaking picture because he wanted to remember the moment forever.

But everyone was too busy playing with their gifts; Anna and Jo were spraying perfume onto each other's wrists and making little girly approving sounds, Sam was blushing at something that he had said wasn't appropriate to pull out of a gift bag that Gabriel had gotten him and Dean didn't even want to think about what that might be, Ellen was whispering with Bobby about something and looking worried even though the earrings that Jo had gotten her were sparkling and dangling from where she had already put them in.

Bobby shook his head one last time before clapping his hands together briskly and shooing Ellen off of the arm of the chair he was sitting on. "Alrigh', I got something else for you boys, but it's out in my car so put yer damn coats on or something and come on."

"Someone is grumpy," Gabriel muttered, earning a quick shove from Sam as he lumbered to his feet from where he had been sitting cross legged on the floor next to the other man. The older man sputtered dramatically as he righted himself before shaking Castiel's knee playfully. "Guess I know where my moose got his horns."

"Shut up, Gabe." Dean grumbled following his brother and Bobby towards the front of the house, pausing long enough to snatch his jacket off of the coat rack and hear Castiel tell his older brother that moose had antlers not horns.

He couldn't help but smile at how awesome his life was lately, with his amazing boyfriend and once he figured out what was going on with his dad and Bobby everything would be perfect just like it was always supposed to be. Dean watched his surrogate uncle rummage around in the trunk of his old rust-spotted Chevelle, moving boxes and bags to the side as Sam frowned and shivered beside him with his arms crossed over his chest. The older man ended up pulling out a guitar case and a smallish black box from underneath a majority of the things in his trunk, hefting them up to put them on top of the trunk as he slammed it shut.

"Sam," Bobby began, gesturing apologetically at his trunk and scratching at his beard in an agitated way. He sighed heavily and shook his head before offering the lanky, younger boy the box and rapping on his car with his knuckles as he watched Sam open it.

It was a bracelet, a charm bracelet like the kind that girls wore and collected and obsessed over when they were younger, but never really had an occasion to use once they grew out of their slumber party and gossiping about who the cutest boy in class was phase. Dean tried very hard not to laugh at the look on his brother's face when he pulled it out of the box, but even Bobby was chuckling and it was more than moderately priceless to see Sam turn bright red and pouty faced before he put it on and stuck his tongue out at the other two men.

"It was yer mom's," Bobby said between laughing, wiping at the corners of his eyes and wincing just a little when he brushed against the tender swollen flesh around his blackened left eye. "She uh...she left it with me and well, she would've wanted you to have it Sam. Her dad gave it to her to protect her and since yer named after him and all I thought it was fittin'.

"You think I need protecting, Uncle Bobby?" Sam asked, clearing his throat when it came out rough with emotion and weak sounding.

"That's the other thing," Bobby began, his smile disappearing to be replaced with an expression that was much more thunderous and disapproving. "All of the rest of the stuff in my trunk, it's yers Sammy."

"What do you mean it's his?" Dean asked, pointing at the Chevelle like it had just personally insulted him. "Why is his stuff in your car and not in our bedroom?"

"I mean he can't go home," Bobby said, his shoulders sagging in defeat. "I didn't want to have to tell you two this until later today, but dammit I can't have you going home to him, Sam. Not with the way he was talking last night, first time I've seen him drunk on Christmas since yer mom left and it was just as bad this time as it was then. If I hadn't found him before Jody, John would've ended up in jail last night. He was just looking for a fight."

"And you gave it to him," Sam said resignedly, running a hand through his hair the bracelet's charms clinking cheerily on his wrist and nodding at Bobby like he had been expecting this. "I get it, Bobby. You don't have to feel bad about it or anything; I just wish that you hadn't gotten hurt by him trying to keep me safe. I can take care of myself."

"Oh I got my fair share of hits in too," Bobby groused, trying to downplay how serious the situation actually was. "But yer dad never was much of a fighter anyway; he was always the more poetic of the two of us growin' up."

"What was he saying Bobby?" Dean asked not wanting to drop the topic that his uncle and brother already seemed willing to accept at face value, like it was fair for his dad to disown Sammy just because of Gabriel. Admittedly Dean had seen this coming as far back as his brother coming out to him, but that still didn't make it right.

"I'd rather not ruin the holidays anymore than I already have to with all of this shit," Bobby snapped, effectively ending the conversation by using the tone that Dean had learned a long time ago brooked no argument from the other man. "Dean, this one's for you. It belonged to yer dad, but I've been holdin' onto it for a while in case it ever looked like he would want it back."

"How long is a while?" Dean asked stepping up to the trunk and popping the tabs on the guitar case to reveal a black acoustic guitar with pearly white accenting along the fret board and at the edges of the curlicue openings on either side of the body.

"'Bout twenty years or so," Bobby remarked behind him, gazing off over the snowy yard towards the horizon that was interrupted by the closest neighbor's house about a mile away.

"Well, I don't fucking want it," Dean said petulantly even as his fingers ghosted over the polished wood and he thought of all of the songs he could learn to play for Cas that would tell the other boy he loved him until the words finally stopped being so hard to say.

"Liar," Sam said, clapping Dean on the shoulder and heading back into the house with his hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans.

"It's not coming from yer dad, Dean." Bobby stated firmly, brushing some dust off the body of the guitar like he had been doing it for years and the gesture was so familiar as to be unconscious by now. "He doesn't even know I have it. Yer grandma gave it to me when he moved to Lawrence and now I'm giving it to you. Something t' help ya remember he wasn't always such a bad guy."

"He's chasing Sammy out of the house," Dean said firmly, shutting the case quickly so that he wouldn't be tempted to keep touching it like something so beautiful could actually belong to him. "I don't think you can get much more evil supervillain than that, Bobby."

"He has his reasons for being the way he is," the older man said softly, sounding regretful in ways that Dean didn't understand because its not like Bobby had done anything but be there for John; sticking up for him every time someone called him an ignorant drunk or a bad father even when those someones were people like Ellen and Sheriff Mills.

Dean scoffed at the older man and rolled his eyes, willing himself to not look at the guitar and to not think about all of his little brother's worldly possessions being in the trunk of the Chevelle and about how this meant that now he would have to go back home to John, alone. As much as he didn't want to do it, Dean knew that he would have to go back. John was his father after all and Dean had never abandoned him before even when he hit him or called him stupid or told him that his mom had left because of that thing that happened with him and Andy Gallagher at the pool when he was a kid.

She hadn't and he knew that now, but when he was nine and confused and sad about his mom not even saying goodbye before she left, it had felt so much like the truth that he had decided that having superficial relationships that proved he was a ladies' man were better than anything he could ever possibly have that was meaningful with someone else, even another man. But that was before Cas, his life was divided into those two categories; Before Cas and After Cas, having the other boy was going to help him through taking care of his dad by himself now.

"You don't have to go back over there either, Dean." Bobby offered, seemingly able to read his mind. "Jus' because he doesn't know about you doesn't mean that its safe for you there either. Come stay with me fer a bit."

"I can't," Dean said shaking his head hard and fast so that he wouldn't clutch at his uncle's faded green army jacket and beg him to not make him face his dad alone. "If I don't take care of him, no one will. We're all he has, Bobby. And it may mean nothing to him to lose Sam, but I'm not losing another parent just because he's a bigoted asshole."

"You can't fix him," the older man barked. "Not until he's ready to be fixed. You know that and I know that, it's going to take him hitting rock bottom before he realizes that he's chasin' away everyone that cares about him. Yer just delayin' the inevitable, Dean. It's not worth wasting yer life away too."

"The day that you stop wasting yours," Dean grumbled, giving in and snatching up the guitar before heading back towards the house and his boyfriend and the people that were also his family just as much as Bobby and John and his absent mom were. "I'll stop fucking wasting mine."

* * *

The evening had started out simple enough with Cas wanting to go and see the fireworks with all of their friends at Watson Park and Dean finally giving in because he was tired and stressing over having had to tiptoe around John and his drinking for the last week leading up to New Year's Eve. Cas knew how stressed out Dean was about his dad, especially now that Sam was living full time at the Novak household where the older boy couldn't keep an eye on his brother like he was used to doing.

Dean had been coming over to his house every night for dinner and staying late into the night until John called from whatever bar he was at and his boyfriend went to pick up his dad, promising Cas that he would be careful and come back if his dad ended up passing out when he got John home. It had happened a couple of times but more often than not Cas was awake too, worrying and texting Dean to make sure that nothing had happened to the other boy because he didn't trust John in the slightest to not hurt his son like he had hurt Bobby at Christmas.

The nights that Dean came back, he checked him over for new bruises or red marks that may be shaped like the older Winchester's hands, but so far he had found none and it seemed like whatever rage John was carrying around had faded back into nothingness after him having taken it out on his oldest friend. Dean told him that his dad looked much worse than Bobby did and that made Cas feel just a little bit better because to him John was nothing but another bully who didn't appreciate his children just like his own dad was and bullies deserved to get knocked down every once and a while too.

But Dean wouldn't let him come over to the apartment anymore and Castiel felt a little like he was abandoning his boyfriend to face a sleeping dragon alone. So as soon as John left town again for work, which Dean assured him would probably start happening again on a regular basis now that the holidays were ending, Cas had resolved to make his boyfriend feel comfortable in his own home again in whatever way he could. Until then the Impala was just going to have to be the best substitute.

It was around midnight or close enough, so that's how Castiel rationalized ducking out on the fireworks shortly before they started and dragging Dean down into the backseat of the large old car on top of him to kiss their way through the New Year's countdown in private away from the disapproving stares they had been getting from some of the parents who were at the town's annual display with their kids. Cas didn't care if he made them uncomfortable and he knew that Dean didn't really either, but he had a rule about scarring children for life with the kind of groping he intended to inflict upon his boyfriend and that's why the backset of a car was preferable to pushing Dean down on a picnic table and climbing into his lap.

"I don't know what's gotten into you," Dean mumbled against his lips, nipping at them and laving his tongue over the tender, chapped skin that had been giving Cas hell every winter for as long as he could remember. "But I like it."

Castiel smiled against Dean's mouth and parted his lips to allow the other boy's tongue in, teasing it suggestively causing the larger boy to moan on top of him and hurriedly push up the vintage band t-shirt that Jo had gotten Cas for Christmas, she had smirked when he had opened it saying that between him and Dean they had pretty much every musical genre covered in their wardrobe. Dean's hands were cold on his heated skin, causing him to shiver and convulse into the other boy's soft touches even though they always made him writhe no matter what temperature their bodies were.

He ran his fingers through Dean's short hair, scratching at his scalp and tugging at the strands in an effort to urge the other boy on because he had been needing to feel his boyfriend inside of him all week, but they hadn't had sex since Christmas Eve, just kissed and held each other because he knew that it wasn't what Dean had needed when he had shown up pale and drawn looking after getting John home and into bed before returning to sleep next to Castiel.

Dean had given him one dutiful, unenthusiastic blow job after showing up at close to 4am smelling like secondhand smoke and sweated out alcohol which had just made Cas feel guilty for even asking for it from the other boy so he had just taken to getting himself off in the shower or while he was waiting on Dean so that he didn't make his boyfriend feel like he was depriving Cas of anything by not being interested in sex when he was stressing about his dad. But it wasn't the same anymore, using his fingers and his hands in the ways that he knew he liked when he thought of he and Dean making love like they had all the time in the world in order to orgasm and not force Dean to do something he wasn't really interested in doing later.

But Dean was interested now, if the way he was thrusting slowly against Cas's own denim clan erection and groaning softly at the back of his throat was any indication of how much his boyfriend had been missing their physical interaction too then Castiel was more than willing to give into the old stereotype of teenagers having sex in cars. He whimpered into the larger boy's mouth, angling his hips to feel Dean pressing against him even as cold, callused fingers moved up to brush over his nipples and the muscles in his chest.

Dean had a particular fascination with his chest and Cas wasn't exactly sure what had caused it, but he was happy that ROTC had made the muscles smooth and pronounced in the way that his boyfriend seemed to like. Cas was still scared that eventually Dean would miss the soft curves and filled out forms of women, bodies that he could never hope to compete with because genetically it wasn't possible, but his boyfriend always told him he was being silly before getting a sly smirk on his face and going down on him or stroking his cock like all he wanted was Cas and gender could go fuck itself.

He wrapped his legs around Dean's hips, pushing his pelvis suggestively into his boyfriend's as he tugged on the light brown strands of hair in his hands in order to break the other boy's mouth away from his own with a soft, suctioning pop. Dean's green eyes were glazed over and happy looking and Cas could only smile at the other boy's red swollen lips that would always belong to him and no one else.

"I want you, Dean." Cas said forcefully, leaning up to suck the other boy's earlobe into his mouth and breath hot into the shell of his ear. "Now, I can't wait anymore."

"Oh fuck babe," Dean groaned, wrapping an arm under and around Castiel's shoulder in order to keep him in place and his mouth moving against the spot behind his ear that he liked. "Cas, I want you to. So fucking bad, but not here. Not in the car."

"Christ, Dean." Castiel muttered trying to keep the anger out of his voice because really? Dean was going to stop him now? "I'll fucking pay to get her detailed, just live a little."

"It's not that," Dean whispered, moving to kiss his face and slowly pushing his legs down and off of his hips so that he could sit up. "Trust me, sweetheart. It's not that I'm worried about getting the car messed up or anything."

"Then what is it, Dean?" Castiel growled out, feeling the chill creep back in as he pulled his shirt back down and followed his boyfriend up to a sitting position so that he could glare at him.

"You're just better than that, Cas." Dean said softly, cupping his face and smoothing his thumb over his lips with a shuddering sigh. "You don't deserve to be another quick lay in the back of someone's car. Even if it's my car and even if it's far from quick."

"You've had sex in here before," Castiel guessed, trying to not sound hurt that this car was a part of Dean that had belonged to other people long before he had come along and wedged himself into the other boy's life. "With girls."

Dean nodded slowly and climbed gingerly over the seat in front of them, cranking the ignition and motioning for Cas to join him even as the first fireworks began to explode through the foggy windshield with muffled popping sounds. Castiel did so reluctantly, craning his neck so that he could see the bright multicolored explosions that had no hope of competing with his star in his and Dean's personal corner of the universe. He wrapped his hand around the larger boy's, twining their fingers together even though he was still a little hurt at not being sexy enough that Dean wanted him no matter where they were.

"Cas," Dean said softly, biting his lip when the smaller boy looked over like he was stopping himself from saying something, but then shaking his head and pulling out a pocket knife from his leather jacket.

He watched as the larger boy ducked down and tugged aside the floor mat underneath his feet, revealing a pair of initials carved shakily into the metal floorboards. A 'D.W.' and another even shakier 'S.W.' close beside it. Dean held out the knife to him expectantly and it took just a second too long for Castiel to understand what he was wanting from him because his boyfriend's face fell and he saw the hurt blossoming in Dean's eyes as he started to fold the knife back up.

"No," Castiel said quickly, reaching out for the knife and taking it from his hand. He looked down at the initials and licked his lips before glancing back at Dean who was watching his actions warily. "There aren't any other initials."

"There aren't," Dean agreed softly. "It's just for family."

It was as good as being dubbed a Winchester by a priest or something and Castiel knew that it was probably as close as he was ever going to get as long as they were in Kansas, so he ducked down and tried his best to put his initials next to Dean's even though he was doing it upside down from how the other two had been done. He resisted the urge to put a little plus sign between their scratched marks because that was a conversation for another time when he still wasn't scared of losing Dean to college or another girl.

But that was okay, because as soon as he was done he was climbing into Dean's lap. Pressing his mouth against the other boy's even though the steering wheel was digging painfully into his lower back and breathing in the spicy, cedar scent that always lingered in his bed long after Dean had left to go pick up John from wherever the hell he was calling from. And Dean was kissing him back, hands buried in his hair as the pocket knife clattered to the floor at their feet and Cas could feel that his boyfriend was still hard, still wanted him despite their serious conversation.

"Take me home," Castiel breathed into Dean's mouth, pressing his forehead against the other boy's before moving back to the passenger seat, sitting as close to his boyfriend as possible without impeding his driving as they peeled out of the parking lot of the park, leaving behind both of their brothers along with all of their friends in their race to get to a bed as soon as possible.

It was only when he had Dean in his bed, pressed beneath him and clutching at his clothing like he wanted to rip it off of his body that Castiel felt like he could think again. Think about something other than how much he wanted everything with Dean that they hadn't figured out yet, like living together and growing old and maybe being the most badass uncles that Anna and Kevin's kids ever had because surely Sam and Gabe wouldn't be able to teach them how to work on cars or fire guns like he and Dean could. He could think about where to touch Dean instead, because as much as he liked thinking about the future as opposed to the past, the present was so much more interesting when it involved Dean's hands or mouth on him.

They lost their shoes at some point, but then again they always did and it never really mattered because those just made getting jeans off harder and those were the real things that he wanted to get Dean out of as soon as possible. Jeans and shirts were the enemy and Castiel had never understood nudism more than when he would finally get Dean's clothes off because Greeks could only mimic the kind of perfectly chiseled proportions that he had found in the other boy.

Cas kissed his way down the other boy's chest and stomach, pausing to worship the V of muscle that led down to his jutting erection that was already swollen red and leaking precome where it was pressed against his own chest that had been disrobed sometime between him getting Dean's shirt off and him thanking God that his boyfriend had decided to forgo boxers for the evening. He stroked the other boy's cock, spreading the slickness along the length as he glanced up at Dean mischievously underneath his eyelashes.

"Don't tease, Cas." Dean groaned, curving his fingers along the back of his head and sifting them through the locks with a gentle insistent pressure. "Just...fuck, please. Cas, please."

"Well since you're being polite," Castiel muttered, lowering his mouth to run his tongue along the length of Dean's cock tasting the salty precome that he had spread along the hot hard length and reveling in the sounds his boyfriend was making above him.

"Oh shit, babe." Dean murmured, thrusting his hips up slightly in Castiel's touch and arching his back against the sheets beneath him. "You're so fucking good at that...Oh Jesus Christ."

Castiel wanted to joke about Dean being extra blasphemous during sex, but his mouth of a little bit full as he bobbed his head and relaxed his throat to take in the other boy's heated flesh. Dean thrust shallowly into his mouth and Cas pulled off long enough to suck one of his own fingers into his mouth, slickening it so that he could press it into himself and start the process of stretching himself open for Dean because impatient was the word of the day with him needing to feel the other boy inside of him.

He moaned around Dean's cock as he thrust his hips back onto his hand, letting the other boy push his head into the rhythm that liked as he used his free hand to cup Dean's balls and press firmly against his perineum. More and more of Castiel's fantasies had involved him bending Dean over a table and fucking him senseless, but he didn't know how the other boy would react to that. It was one thing to go from having sex with girls to having sex with guys, but it was a whole separate thing to let another guy fuck you; he wasn't entirely sure Dean wouldn't see it as giving up his masculinity a little bit, but Cas had been easing up to it. Touching lower and lower every time he and Dean had sex in an effort to gauge how much the other boy was comfortable with.

Cas let his finger slip lower, glancing up at Dean who still had his head thrown back into the pillows tendons in his neck stretched taunt and tempting as he bit his lip to stifle his moan when Cas took in his entire length, swallowing around the other boy before pulling back to tease the sensitive spot at the base of his head with his tongue. He pressed the index finger of his hand against Dean's entrance, rimming around it tentatively so that he could write it off as an accident if Dean freaked out.

"Fuck, Cas." Dean breathed, shying away from the touch and glancing down as him with a confused line creasing his brow. "What are you doing?"

He moved his hand away quickly, pulling off of Dean's cock even as he added a second finger to himself with a soft moan, twisting his wrist with each thrust so that he could slowly scissor himself open. "Nothing."

"No," Dean said, shaking his head and licking his lips nervously. "You were doing something, I know you were. It felt...different."

"I won't do it again, Dean." Castiel breathed, mouthing along the head of Dean's cock again in order to distract the other boy. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, sweetheart." Dean explained quickly, watching him with an amused smirk on his face. "I didn't say I didn't like it. Fuck, do you have any idea how fucking sexy you look right now?"

"Not that you can see anything," the smaller boy countered, biting his lip when he brushed against his prostate.

"Yea but I know what you're doing," Dean said in a resigned way, jerking his head and dropping his voice in that way that made his cock twitch with expectation. "Get up here."

Castiel removed his fingers gingerly before climbing up the larger boy's body, fumbling into his nightstand to pull out a condom and lube that he slapped down excitedly onto the bed next to Dean's shoulder before delving into a kiss that left nothing to the imagination. Dean groaned into his mouth, settling his hands on his hips and moving Cas so that he could slide his cock into the cleft of the smaller boy's ass.

Dean reached a hand around to stroke him slowly, rolling his hips up to meet Castiel's that were moving unconsciously as they kissed. He pressed the condom into his boyfriend's hands that were grasping his shoulders, talking Cas through the process of putting it on him because Dean liked to make the other boy an active participant in their love making, he didn't want Cas to feel like he was just a hole for him to fuck because it was so much more than that.

It was part of the reason why he didn't want to have sex with Cas in the Impala, because car sex while hot as hell and it got the job done, was also not very comfortable and awkward when they might get interrupted. Dean liked to take his time with the other boy, make sure they both enjoyed themselves and didn't get a charliehorse or something from being bent like a pretzel in the back of a car. He wasn't opposed to having sex pretty much anywhere else, but the car was something he used for hookups and one night stands and he didn't want to associate those times with Cas in any way.

"You're ready?" Dean asked once the other boy had rolled the condom down his length and lubed him up with hard fast strokes that almost made him come right then.

Cas responded by levering himself up over Dean and guiding his cock to his loosened hole, sinking down on to him with nothing more than his weight and a groan before he leaned down to kiss Dean using his teeth and his tongue in that way that just drove him crazy. He could feel the other boy clenching around him, adjusting to the new position that they hadn't tried yet before relaxing and taking him in until Dean's balls were nestled firmly against Castiel's ass.

"Oh god," Castiel whispered, pushing his hands against Dean's chest as he rolled his hips up to slide up his length slightly before sinking back down onto him with a strangled groan. "Fuck, darling. It's just...shit."

"Just sit up straight," Dean coached, watching his boyfriend bite his lip and follow his instructions with a soft moan.

He held the other boy in place, rubbing circles into his hips and just marveling at the way his boyfriend looked riding him, rocking his hips with little adorable pants that Dean wanted to turn into the loud, deep groans that came out of the other boy right before he came. He pulled out slowly, watching Cas frown at the loss before he thrust back up hard and without warning earning a loud guttural moan out of his boyfriend that caused the dominant part of Dean to want to see the other boy come undone above him. Dean wanted to see Castiel panting and moaning and covered in sweat before he came saying his name and cursing like his life depended on having Dean's cock buried inside of him.

Cas looked gorgeous above him with the muscles in his legs and abdomen flexing to accommodate the pace that Dean set as he thrust into the other boy, chanting Castiel's name over and over in between groans until he was sure that he was going to come if he felt the other boy clench around him one more time. He knew that he was hitting Cas's prostate because the other boy had stopped making sense and was just babbling and telling him not to stop, to never stop and stroking himself in time to Dean's thrusts with abandon.

"Fuck Dean," Castiel panted, sweat pouring down his torso as Dean braced his feet on the bed, slipping on the sheets slightly in an effort to get even more leverage into the other boy. "I love you so much. Christ, don't ever leave me. Oh fuck oh shit."

"Never," Dean groaned. "Never, babe. I'll never leave you."

He forgot about his dad and how horrible and lonely it had been without Sam there to provide dry commentary about John's alcoholism whenever they stumbled through the door. Forgetting about the distinct possibility that Cas could leave him when he went off to school and forgetting that he had seriously been considering packing up and following the other boy wherever he went because Sam had Gabe and didn't need him anymore, not like Dean needed Cas.

Dean just focused instead on the tight, hot cavern of the other boy clenching around him and how Cas sounded when he came, groaning out his name and saying he loved him again before collapsing down on top of him to kiss softly at his neck as the larger boy thrust in to him a couple of more times before coming inside the other boy, spilling his release into the latex barrier that still separated them and muttering endearments into Castiel's messy hair that was pressed into his mouth.

"You're so beautiful, Cas." Dean whispered, wishing he could say more, but knowing that he was working on it.

On those nights when John hadn't drank enough to pass out, but was still belligerent enough that Dean would push his dresser in front of his bedroom door like he hadn't done since Sam was still in elementary school he sat up on his bed, picking out guitar chords and trying to learn how to play using second hand books and very confusing websites. His calluses had formed calluses, but Dean knew that it was going to be worth it. _Love Me Tender_ was just turning out to be a lot harder to learn how to play than he had thought it would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I'm late *sigh* I'm sorry and I really truly am this time, but when I have friends visit I just kinda space on fanfiction a little bit even though all we talk about is SuperWhoLock and fanfiction. They are in this weird limbo where they haven't caught up to where I'm at in the shows and its so f'n frustrating. Ugh! But we're nearing the end of this part of this verse guys. I'm still debating between happy cuddly ending or cliffhanger...thoughts? 
> 
> My bf is voting cliffhanger btw so right now we're tied 1 to 1. Weigh in, rock the vote, etc.


	27. Old College Try

"What do you mean you're _not_ taking the SAT?" the guidance counselor asked Castiel trying to keep the incredulity and stress out of her voice as she looked at the senior sitting in front of her.

"Well," Cas replied fidgeting under her intense stare, feeling guilty and sick because he hadn't even looked twice at the college admissions applications she had given him since he had shoved them into his desk under a bunch of random CDs and sharpies. "I didn't really plan on going to college so I thought it was just kind of...pointless?"

"College is pointless?" Tessa asked, pinching the bridge of her nose and willing away the headache that had been nagging her almost non-stop since school had started back a week and a half ago and she had started to try to get the stuff for the stragglers who hadn't turned in their five-year plans to her together. "Mr. Novak, you do realize that with nothing but a high school diploma you can pretty much work at McDonald's for the rest of your life right?"

"Yes, but Dean—"

"Jesus Christ, I should've know." She mumbled sorting through the stack of file folders on her desk until she could find Dean Winchester's which was also maddeningly devoid of any letters of recommendation or test scores just like Castiel's. "So do you two have like a pact or something to give me an ulcer before graduation or is the fact that he's avoiding me like the plague just a figment of my imagination?"

"I didn't know he was avoiding you," Castiel admitted, crossing his arms over his chest and tapping his feet impatiently on the floor. "Listen, we just haven't talked about college and every time I try to bring it up he changes the subject."

He and Dean had actually gotten into a massively huge argument after his last therapy session with Rachel, where he had been sorting out the final details of the trial and trying to broach the subject of what he should do if his father tried to talk to him after the whole thing was said and done. Castiel may have been on edge from just that, but he couldn't listen to Dean make anymore self-hating comments that sounded like they had just fallen out of John's mouth about how stupid he was and how he wasn't going to amount to anything more than a mechanic no matter what he did.

So they hadn't said more than tense 'I love yous' and 'You toos' before dropping dry-lipped kisses on each other's cheeks in the hallways and parting ways to go to their separate classes over the last couple of days. It was a complete turnaround from their first week back at school when they had been ecstatic to find out that Alastair and Azazel had gotten in school suspension for another month after the holiday break because of what had happened at the winter ball; there was a rumor going around that Uriel had cried when Principal Naomi told him that they couldn't play baseball this year either.

They had taken full advantage of their small victory, kissing and touching and acting like any other couple in the hallways and their classes together to the extent that people stopped staring and just accepted it when Castiel plopped down heavily in Dean's lap in the cafeteria until the other boy pushed him off so that he could eat without both of them getting covered in pie. But then last Thursday and the fight at the diner that resulted in Barb making their order to-go pretty fucking toot sweet and Castiel eating his Styrofoam boxed burger and fries in Meg's apartment because the thought of being around anything else that John had tainted with his hatred was just not something he could stomach.

Dean hadn't even driven him home, just nodded quickly when Meg offered to take him before storming off to his apartment without even saying goodbye. The weekend had been torture with the park seeming empty and dead without Dean there to smirk cheekily at him when he ran past the picnic table that his boyfriend usually sat at with Millie who hadn't shown up either, leaving him alone on his morning jogs for the first time since he and Dean had started dating. And now it had been almost six days of them barely speaking to each other; Cas couldn't sleep, he could barely eat, and Dean looked no better.

But they were just both so stubborn and Jo had been threatening him and Dean with watching Titanic until their ears bled at movie night tonight if they didn't get their shit together, but Castiel didn't think that he had anything to apologize for. All he had said was that Dean shouldn't let John define who he was and it probably came out a lot harsher and bitter than his memory was telling him because he had been really worked up from talking to Rachel about his own father.

Maybe it wasn't his place to say anything. Yes, Dean and Sam were practically his family, but John was their flesh and blood father and even though words could cut deep all of your instincts told you to forgive them. Another thing he had been pissed off about when he was talking to Rachel. He could admit that he had probably been projecting just a little bit during his and Dean's fight, but that didn't make anything that he said to his boyfriend any less true.

Dean _was_ smart, just as smart as him and even could do practical stuff like build bookcases and fix cars when all Castiel could do was shoot a moving target at 500 yards with like deadly, scary accuracy. In what universe was that a useful skill to have? Maybe if he was an assassin or something, but he wasn't.

"Mr. Novak," Tessa continued, unaware of his musings as she flipped through several pages of the calendar that was perched on top of her keyboard. "You do realize that your life does not revolve around whether Dean Winchester decides to go to college or not?"

"Yes..." Castiel replied slowly, even though he felt like that was probably the dumbest question anyone had ever asked him. "But if you could just talk to him—"

"I have been trying to corner Mr. Winchester for months, back when college football scouts were still sending me emails about him and he didn't duck into classrooms anytime he saw me coming." Tessa stated blandly. "I know that you two are going steady or an item or whatever it is that kids call it these days, but you're a very gifted student Castiel. You have enough credits that you could graduate tomorrow if you wanted to and all you would have to do is say the word. Lake Forrest put you miles ahead of every other student here except for maybe Miles Lindberg that kid should be working for NASA."

"Dean thinks he's stupid," Castiel blurted, clenching his fists on top of his legs because he hadn't meant to say that. Tessa was a guidance counselor, but not a therapist or anything. Dean's problems with his dad and stuff were really none of her business, but he needed an ally in the lost cause that was Dean Winchester and going to college. "His dad tells him he's stupid and it's not enough for him to hear it from me or our friends that he isn't. Dean needs to hear it from an adult or something."

"Dean Winchester has been an average student the entire time he's been here," Tessa commented, arching an eyebrow at him. "The only class he seems to try in is AP English with Mr. Shurley and until this year I was constantly sending the truancy officer after him and the rest of the football team just so they would still be eligible to play. But you're sitting here telling me he's apparently some secret genius with daddy issues? I'm sorry I'm not buying it, Mr. Novak."

"If you and Chuck could ju—"

"Mr. Shurley." Tessa corrected, glancing back at her computer screen and frowning just a bit.

"Mr. Shurley," he offered, gesturing to the list of SAT test days that she had printed off for him. "If you and Mr. Shurley could just talk to him, stage an intervention or something, then I'll take the SATs, but only if you can get Dean to take them with me."

The guidance counselor regarded him with a shrewd look, pursing her lips and tapping her fingers on the desk near her mouse pad. "You realize that you're asking the impossible, right?"

"If I can get him in here and you can talk him into it, I'll even get him to apply to a couple of colleges." Castiel said, hoping that it would give the woman enough incentive to go out of her way for a student who didn't seem to want her help.

"Fine," She said sighing and waving him away with an impatient gesture that he took as meaning he could leave.

Now Cas just had to figure out some way to make up with Dean so he would be willing to do this.

* * *

He didn't think that Cas had any idea how hard it had been for him, how tired he was and how it killed him just a little bit inside every time he had to drive to school by himself because Sam was riding in with the Novaks now or when he thought of how his little brother's side of the room looked so empty without his books or his Einstein poster on the wall. Sometimes he would just sit up at night and stare at the blank wall that had a faint outline on the paint from where Bobby had taken it down when he got Sam's stuff.

Of course Cas didn't know any of that because he hadn't told him, but goddamnit his boyfriend should just be able to tell how much it sucked just being him and his dad in the apartment. Only now it was just him because John had gone out of town for an undetermined amount of time on a big construction job, leaving behind a note that just told him not to burn the house down. Like he was a five year old who couldn't even microwave hot pockets without starting a fire.

When he had come home to the note on Sunday after going over to Bobby's and detailing cars like his life depended on eradicating dust and grime from every crevice in every car in Lawrence just so that he wouldn't have to think about Cas and how pityingly the other boy had looked at him when they had fought in the diner, all he had wanted to do was call his boyfriend immediately and tell him to come over they could watch a movie or do homework or do anything that just wasn't them fighting anymore. Cas was hot when he was angry and all, but damnit it wasn't even worth the arguing if they couldn't get past what they were mad about long enough to make up like they always did.

They weren't talking and he couldn't sleep and sitting in class or study hall together meant that there was this weirdly massive amount of space between their bodies that he couldn't ever remember having been there even before they had admitted that they liked each other. And lunchtime had turned into this perverse contest because not much could make Dean lose his appetite and he had been childishly rubbing it into Cas's face just a bit every time he saw his boyfriend just picking at his food even though part of his mind was fretting and worrying about the other boy's health.

So even though he was mad still at Cas for calling his dad an asshole despite the fact that Dean called John an asshole literally at least once a day in his head, when they played dodgeball in gym class he still made a point to take his frustration out on the guys aiming for his boyfriend and to shoulder Cas out of the way anytime he thought he was about to get hit. Eventually, the other boy let himself get out and Dean was pretty sure that he did it just to spite him because Cas just kept staring at him from the sidelines and biting his lip in that way that the other boy knew he fucking liked until one of the red rubber balls hit him in the side of the head and he got out too.

"Would you just stop?" Dean asked sitting down heavily beside him, giving the other boy a dirty look that was hard to maintain in the face of the wide-eyed, innocent expression that Cas had on his face.

"Stop what, Dean?"

"Stop staring at me like we haven't been fighting for a week," He snapped, crossing his arms over his chest and rolling his eyes when he heard Coach Wisdom still talking about how Kevin started that fight at the dance and he didn't understand why the whole baseball team had to suffer because of some freshman.

"We haven't been fighting for a week," Cas replied softly, leaning into his shoulder and putting his chin on it with a sigh. "We have been fighting for five days, twenty hours, and thirty six minutes."

"Round up, Cas." Dean said side-eyeing the other boy and trying not to smirk at how fucking cute he was all sweaty and ruffled and remorseful looking. "It's been a week."

"So I guess it's too late to say I'm sorry?"

"Is that what you're saying?" Dean asked, feeling the warmth that he always associated with the other boy blossom in his chest because it had been a rough fucking week not talking to him and being mad about stuff that Cas had said that was completely fucking true.

"Yes." Castiel said with a sigh and a small humorless chuckle. "I was taking out therapy stuff on you and it's not my place to say anything about your dad. I don't really have a shining paradigm of parenthood to compare it too, so I guess he's doing the best he can, right?"

"Sure," Dean replied with a shrug even though he knew that John was doing a shitty, selfish job he didn't want to talk about that when he and Cas were finally making up with each other. "I'm sorry I didn't take you home that night, I wanted too. But I just didn't want to fight anymore."

"Meg said couples fight," the other boy muttered. "She said her and Luc fight about stupid shit all of the time, sometimes you have to just walk away before you say something that you can't fix with a blow job."

Dean scoffed, licking his lips and praying that Uriel would blow his stupid whistle and end class soon so that he could kiss his boyfriend and make up good and proper somehow.

"So..." Castiel leaned in, whispering in his ear hotly and fuck why was anyone allowed to be that attractive and fuckable when they were sweaty and wearing ugly, baggy gym clothes? "Can I not fix this with a blow job?"

Dean choked a bit, on his own spit or his tongue he wasn't sure but he was coughing and Cas was smoothing a hand over his back and nodding at Uriel that he would take Dean to get some water. He was pretty sure his coach felt just a little bit guilty about letting Alastair and Azazel get that close to jumping him and Cas, just enough that he didn't question the fact that the two boys speed walked into the locker room instead of to the water fountains that were about twenty yards down from the metal door.

"I said no more sex in school," Dean protested weakly, as his boyfriend pulled him tight up against the nearest set of lockers; running his hands over Dean's shoulders and wrapping them around his neck with a toothy grin. "Someone is going to catch us, Cas."

"Jesus, Dean. You act like you have the world's loudest orgasms or something," Castiel muttered, leaning up to kiss with messily tangled tongues and teeth that grazed over Dean's lips. "Just be quiet and I will make sure that no one even suspects that my mouth is on your dick."

"When did you start talking so dirty?" Dean breathed, pulling the other boy back towards the stalls and shutting them in the one farthest from the lock room door. "I seem to remember you being shy and soft spoken once upon a time."

"Well you see," Castiel teased, ghosting his mouth over Dean's throat as he talked causing the grip that the larger boy had placed on his hips to tighten spasmodically. "I started dating this football player..."

"I'll kill him," Dean murmured watching through half lidded eyes as Cas pushed the elastic waistbands of his gym shorts and his boxers down in one smooth motion until the material was nestled under his testicles.

He should probably stop him, but it had been bad with John before he had gone out of town and he and Cas had been fighting so even when he knew that sleeping next to the other boy would make everything so much better, he stubbornly stayed in his tiny twin sized bed and refused to jerk off to thoughts of his boyfriend because he was not even going to give fantasy Cas the satisfaction of being the only thing he could think about.

Dean had forced himself to be pessimistic as hell in order to kill his boners before he fell into the few hours of fitful sleep he had gotten each night since their fight last Thursday; telling himself that this was better because if they broke up after graduation it would be easier on him if Cas hated him by then anyway. Because if Cas hated him then he would blame Dean for being too dumb to get into a college like his boyfriend was bound to and not blame himself for falling in love with such an idiot to begin with. As long as his dad needed him, then there was no way that Dean could follow Cas off to college; he had been stupid to even hope that he ever could.

Slim fingers wrapped around his cock, stroking him expertly as Cas bit at his neck softly before dropping to kneel in front of him. Dean let his hands settle on the back of the other boy's head, sifting through the messy dark hair and smoothing down to Castiel's neck and across the broad shoulders that rippled with muscles under his touch. He jumped slightly when the locker room door slammed open, echoing across the empty space as the rest of the raucous teenage boys in the senior class spilled into the room, chattering loudly and clanging around in lockers. He could hear Garth and Ash, talking about movie night and planning a coup if Jo really did try to play Titanic.

Castiel looked up at him and put a finger to his lips, shushing him before he turned his attention back to Dean's hard member, leaning forward to suck on the head of his cock and tongue the slit that was leaking precome. Dean bit hard at his bottom lip, running it between his teeth before he licked his lips and pressed them firmly together, fighting back the groans that were trying to force their way out of his throat. His boyfriend hummed softly around his dick, bobbing down on him before pulling off and just stroking him, lips already glistening with saliva and slightly red and fuck Dean could already feel his balls pulling up tight and his spine tingling.

He nudged the flushed head of his member against the other boy's mouth which opened eagerly to swallow it back down; Dean whimpered softly thrusting into the wet heat with a sudden snap of his hips that made Castiel put a hand on his hip to make him slow down. The feeling of his boyfriend's throat working around his dick, swallowing and tightening around him was just so good and so perfect Dean wanted it to never end.

"Feels so good, babe." Dean muttered, hearing the shushing sound of water hitting the tiled floor as his classmates showered and changed and started milling out of the locker room as they gathered up their stuff and left for the day.

It earned him a graze of teeth along the sensitive part of his dick that was right under the head, the spot that Cas could just tease with his tongue until he came apart completely. Dean hissed at the sharp feeling, clamping his mouth shut so that he wouldn't be tempted to say anything else that might earn him more of the same treatment from the other boy. Even with his mouth stretched taunt and full around his cock, Cas still managed to have complete control over the situation; hollowing out his cheeks and pushing down Dean's clothing even further so that he could cup his ass in one of his hands.

Dean grunted softly, clenching a handful of Castiel's hair in his hand and tugging on it slightly to try to warn him that he was about to come. His orgasm was bearing down on him like a freight train and it was taking every ounce of self control that Dean had to not throw his head back and moan out his boyfriend's name like he wanted to. He knew that even without hardly making any noise his voice was still probably going to be as hoarse and fucked out sounding as Cas's was just from him trying to keep all of his groans of appreciation to himself.

Cas stroked him through it, keeping his mouth firmly suctioned around the head of his dick and swallowing as Dean's come filled his mouth. He could hear the other boy breathing heavily through his nose and it sounded a million times louder with his pulse pounding in his ears; Dean was amazed that no one had knocked on the door to the stall or commented on their disappearance. His boyfriend opened his mouth and licked the last few drops of come from the head of his dick with a satisfied smile quirking the corners of his mouth at the shudder that Dean gave in response to that action before climbing to his feet, pulling Dean's shorts up with him and kissing him deeply on the mouth with a soft sigh.

He could feel how hard Cas was and reached to cup the other boy's erection, squeezing him through the thin mesh material of the basketball shorts he was wearing and causing his boyfriend's eyelids to flutter as he sagged into Dean.

"No, it's fine." Cas breathed, biting his swollen lip with a wince and pulling back to lean on the other wall of the stall across from Dean; ignoring the insistent erection tenting the front of his shorts.

"I want to, sweetheart." Dean protested softly, reaching for him again only to frown in confusion when the other boy shook his head and grabbed his hand instead; lacing their fingers together in the space between them. "Why not, Cas?"

"Because there's kind of something else I was hoping you would do for me instead?" Castiel said questioningly, looking like a kid who had just been caught elbow deep in the cookie jar by their mom.

Dean ran his free hand over his face and groaned softly, what fucking now?

* * *

"So tell me again, what happened on New Year's Eve?" Tessa asked the other man, knowing that the answer was just going to make her want to punch him in the shoulder as hard as she could for being so boneheaded and blind.

"Well," Chuck said clearing his throat and taking a sip of his coffee, just coffee for once. He twined his fingers together and steepled them under his chin, preparing himself because he knew that the guidance counselor was one of Naomi's best friends and she had probably already heard the principal's side of things so he needed to try to do as much damage control as possible. "Naomi and I went to a party."

"Together?" She clarified, raising an eyebrow at him.

"As friends," He said, earning a disbelieving scoff from the other woman that made his heart sink. God, he was stu-pid. "What?"

"Single men and single women do not just go to parties together as friends," Tessa said slowly.

"No, yes they do." Chuck stuttered pushing up the sleeves of his sweater and rubbing away the sudden chills that he was getting as they waited on Dean to show up after gym class like Castiel had promised the other boy would. "They do, all of the time."

"Name one time."

"Monica and Chandler," the English teacher offered, fishing because Friends was one of the few television shows that he watched and it was literally about 'friends', it was the fucking title.

"Monica and Chandler end up together, Chuck."

"They do?" He asked, maybe he should pay more attention instead of just having the television on in the background of his apartment while he wrote or read so that it wasn't so depressingly quiet all of the time.

Tessa just nodded at him and glanced over at the clock on his wall which was already showing that Dean and Castiel should've gotten out of gym class over fifteen minutes ago.

"Fuck," Chuck cursed softly, wishing that he hadn't left his flask at home and that he hadn't dumped out all of the hidden bottles of liquor in his classroom because he really needed a drink to help him through all of this shit.

"Yep," the guidance counselor agreed, waving at him to keep going and crossing her legs with an impatient sigh. "Go on, what else happened? It was a date, right? Please tell me that you can at least admit that much."

"Well I wanted it to be a date," Chuck confessed, running a hand over his face and scratching at his beard. "But I mean, I've always wanted it to be a date, Tess. It never is though, it's always chaperoning school dances or her calling me over to her house to help her with yard work or something. Naomi only calls me when she needs something from me and I'm fine being that placeholder man in her life who can help her move furniture or open jars until she meets someone who is good enough for her."

"Did you ever stop to think that maybe she thinks you're good enough for her?"

The English teacher shook his head and looked down at his coffee mug, feeling the bitter acrid taste of burnt coffee lurking at the back of his throat and just reminding him of how royally he had fucked up on New Year's Eve.

"We went to this bar that her friend Lenore owns, that does like karaoke and open mic nights and stuff and it was fun. Naomi was wearing this like really inappropriate for how cold it was black dress and she had really nice shoes. I remember the shoes."

"I bet you do," Tessa muttered, earning a scathing look from the other man before she waved that he could continue the story.

"She just makes me so nervous, Tess. So I was drinking because we were at a bar, it's what you do and the midnight countdown was coming up and Naomi had just finished singing and it was really beautiful, she was really beautiful. I couldn't stop staring at her and just wishing that I could do something that would show her how much I like her."

"You like her," the other woman teased with a knowing smile on her face.

"Are you done?" Chuck asked, using his teacher voice in a way that he hadn't been able to do in years since Rebecca had left him. "Yes. I like her, I thought it was fairly obvious to everyone by now. I've liked her for...well always, but she kept this distance between us. Professional fucking distance and now, I don't know what she wants anymore."

"Well she did kiss you," Tessa offered.

"Yea and I threw up all over her shoes immediately afterwards," Chuck snapped, slapping a hand down on his desk and twisting around in his chair until he was looking at the reading assignments he had put on the board for his classes. "And she hasn't talked to me since, just emails me the administrative stuff that she used to walk down to my class. She won't return my calls and every time I go into the office to try to talk to her she's just 'stepped out'."

"I think it's going to take more than an email to make this better," the woman said behind him. "It's going to take a gesture or something to show her that not only do you like her, but that you're mentally ready to try to start a relationship with someone."

Chuck tipped his head back and shut his eyes, remembering how on New Year's Day when he had woken up in his own bed in his empty apartment with nothing but his books to keep him company and he had remembered everything from the night before in vivid, embarrassing Technicolor detail, that he had tried to call Naomi to apologize to her. And that was the first time in the whole time that he had known her that she let it go to voicemail.

With school starting in a couple of days he did the only thing he could think of doing that might start to make his life not such a horrible fucking mess; he remembered how seeing the amber brown liquids of his brandys and his scotchs and his whiskeys swirl down the drain in his kitchen had felt like the kind of cathartic moment only characters in novels had. Chuck hadn't touched any alcohol in almost two and a half weeks and it had not been easy facing the person that he had become in the years between Rebecca leaving and him hurling all over the woman of his dreams Marc Jacob heels.

He had a lot of shit to sort out and a lot of demons to face before he could ever hope to be enough for Naomi, regardless of whether or not she might have once thought that he already was. Chuck just needed to fix their friendship first before he tried to do anything else, but he had no idea where to even start. So that's why he was asking Tessas for advice, not that she had been much help so far besides making him relive how screwed his whole situation was with the principal.

"What do I do?" He groaned at the ceiling.

"You could probably start by offering to buy her some new shoes or maybe some flowers. Remember how happy Pam was when those boys bought her flowers for sticking up for them? She totally forgot about whoever it was that had sex in her classroom, Virgil said it made her week."

Chuck let out a self-hating chuckle and tried to remember if Naomi had ever mentioned to him what kind of flowers she liked, she probably had and he had probably just missed it. Just like he had apparently missed every other sign that she liked him for the last who knows how long, how was this even his life? The thing that he hated the most was that he couldn't even remember how the kiss with Naomi that he had literally spent years imagining felt or tasted because all of New Year's Eve was just one huge blindingly bright, bile flavored blur.

"Okay here's the deal," Dean said, storming into his classroom and leveling a pointed finger the guidance counselor who was staring at his entrance in open-mouthed surprise. "I'll take the da—darn SAT, but not because you want me to or because I think that I need to. I'll do it because he..."

The footballer pointed at Castiel who had staggered in behind the larger boy, the laces on his Converse flopping awkwardly as he tugged a cardigan on over the t-shirt and jeans he had been wearing all day at school. Chuck had to remind themselves that they had just been in gym class because he knew that neither one of them were dumb enough to be having sex somewhere in the school, not as long as Alastair and Azazel were still fuming about Kevin Tran ju-jitsuing them on the two boy's behalf in front of a large portion of the student body.

"He is smart as hell and he is NOT going to miss out on getting into a good college because of me holding him back."

"You're not holding me back," Castiel supplied weakly from behind his boyfriend and Chuck felt a smile tugging at his mouth when Dean shot the other boy a withering look.

"You are going to college, Cas." Dean said angrily. "I can't believe that you were going to not go because of me. He could probably get into fuc—freaking Harvard or something, right Chuck?"

"You are both very smart," Chuck supplied, glancing at Tessa who was giving him an encouraging look across his desk. "Dean you're assignments are always completed above and beyond what I ask for and you're the best writer in the class."

He saw confusion on his student's face at the compliment, like he wasn't used to hearing that he was good at things from the adults in his life. From what Chuck could remember about John Winchester from the few times he had seen him in bars during his regular binges and bouts of self-loathing, Dean probably hadn't gotten any support from his father in his entire life.

"You've done a lot better with attendance this year too," Tessa offered, reaching for a stack of papers that she had set on the corner of his desk when she had first walked into his classroom. "And Mr. Sanz wrote you a letter of recommendation for whatever you may need it for."

"I didn't ask Virgil for a recommendation," Dean said warily, glancing back at Castiel who smiled guiltily.

"I asked him," the other boy said with an apologetic shrug. "You've pretty much been his teacher's aid all year without getting anything in return. He said it was the least he could do for you. I bet Coach Wisdom would write you one too, if you just asked."

"And you know you don't have to ask me, Dean." Chuck offered, clearing his throat and trying to keep the victory out of his voice as the footballer wavered in front of him.

"I said I'd take the test," Dean conceded slowly, tearing his eyes off of his boyfriend long enough to look at Tessa who nodded quickly in his direction before pulling out a paper with a date and directions on it.

"I've started the sign up process for the both of you for a test on the first weekend in Feburary," the guidance counselor said quickly. "You'll just need to go online and finish the whole thing."

"Fine," he snapped, taking the paper out of her hand and running his eyes over it with a scared expression on his face. "And I'll apply to the community college."

"And University of Kansas," Castiel said warningly behind him, causing the larger boy to sigh and nod in defeat.

"Can I go watch you shoot guns now?" Dean asked softly, looking back at the other boy who just stepped up and wrapped an arm around his waist and started leading him towards the door with a whispered declaration of love that Chuck was pretty sure they weren't meant to overhear.

Tessa waited until the two boys had left his classroom before turning back towards Chuck with an astonished look on her face. "That was way easier than I thought it would be. I should've asked for Castiel's help with him a long time ago."

"Well, they're in love." Chuck replied with a shrug, scratching a reminder to write Dean a recommendation letter for college onto a post-it note and sticking it to the top of his typewriter. "We were all young once upon a time."

"Yea, they will either be the best or worst thing to ever happen to each other." The counselor said, climbing to her feet and straightening her skirt. "What are you going to do about Naomi?"

The English teacher stared despondently at the keys on his typewriter for a second before running a tired hand over his face and starting to stack up the papers and assignments that he needed to take home to grade. "I'll let you know if I figure something out."

* * *

It wasn't worth it, nothing that she could possibly hope to gain was worth losing everything about herself to this job that no one could even lie and say that they liked. Yes, it had gotten her away from her parents and most importantly her uncle and into a place in her life where she didn't have to keep calling her sister and asking her to wire her money, but she didn't even have a name anymore.

Or at least she had stopped giving out her real one so long ago that if her sister didn't call on a regular basis she was pretty sure she would eventually forget what it once had been. And all of the customers were sleaze bags, which shouldn't really have surprised her as much as it did, but hey maybe Billie Piper had made her romanticize the profession just a little bit. But this was Kansas, not London and she hadn't met any guys with accents who were ready to rescue her from the shitty situation she had gotten herself into.

So she had to figure out a way to rescue herself, before Eve set her up with another regular who got off on hitting her and tying her up and degrading her. But the nice guys who paid to be with her were few and very far between, they preferred Abbie who was firey and feisty looking with her red hair and her sultry lips or Ambyr with her meekness and her scars that she always managed to hide in the dim lighting with makeup and jewelry that wrapped around the ones on her neck.

They were all running from something and that's how they had ended up here, in Eden. What a stupid fucking name for something that seemed more like hell most nights. But Wednesdays were always slow for her, mostly because it was the night that all of the LGBT crowd came out and so Eve always sent her home with a disgusted dismissive wave, focusing on how the boys looked and giving her a reprieve since Abbie was much more open to that kind of thing with another woman than she was.

It gave her a chance to start figuring out what she would do to get away from her innocent looking, yet exceedingly cruel boss who she had stupidly signed away the next year of her life to. Two years ago when she was fresh off the bus from her sister's house after realizing that she was as much of a burden in Michigan as her newborn niece, it had seemed like an adventure. Rita help her, she had never been more fucking wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Under no circumstances should you go and look up the song that this chapter is named after. Don't do it, not unless you like The Mountain Goats and want to have even more cliff-hangery type feels than I've already given you. That short little part is probably the last hints you'll see for the next part (tentatively titled 'Nomad by Fate', btw) so I really just have one major plot point left to wrap up in this part before that's it.
> 
> Thirty chapters, no more, maybe less. We'll see.
> 
> Anyway, business aside. LOVE YOU GUYS! (I just made a really weird smirky face when I wrote that, picture it and smile because it was pretty priceless.)


	28. Apartment Story

There were a lot of reasons to ignore Dean when he said he didn't want anything for his birthday and everyone in the group had their own.

For Jo it was because she was had known the other boy for so long that half the time his protests didn't even register as words anymore, just an annoying buzzing sound that she knew would eventually turn into him tell her she was right and sighing in defeat. She lived for that sigh of defeat. For Ash it was because he had promised Cas that he would help Dean study for the SAT without making it seem like they were studying for the SAT; they didn't have a lot of time to prepare so he had been disguising math problems in the form of fantasy football speculation and trying not to act smug that the other boy was actually getting it.

Garth and Becky did it because they were just too nice to forget a milestone like an eighteenth birthday, so they actually got Dean gifts; a Kansas documentary and an anthology of short stories respectively. Krissy and Adam were new, newer than Becky at least who had always hung around on the fringes of their circle of friends even before she and Garth started dating, so they were at a loss for what to get Dean and that worked just fine for him because his boyfriend kept telling everyone that he didn't want anything anyway. But they still kept shoving stuff at him during the days leading up to his birthday which Cas knew just made him feel guilty for never being able to get real gifts for most of them besides car tune ups or oil changes.

Cas knew how his boyfriend felt about gifts, Christmas being the only exception to the rule and even then he knew Dean would be happy with just getting a home-cooked meal and a night away from his dad for the holidays. So that what he told Sam and Gabe to cover, the cooking. And he made a point to have Bobby find some excuse for Dean to be at work that day, some radiator crisis that the older man just couldn't possibly handle by himself and he tried very hard not to feel guilty when the other boy apologized for having to cancel their SAT study date that they had been planning for a week.

Because his gift was big, big in the kind of way that didn't really cost anything, but took a lot of time to put together and Meg had agreed to help him move some furniture around even though when he had initially asked she started laughing and he didn't really get it until Luc drily explained over the quizzes he was grading for the teacher he was assisting this semester. Cas had just shaken his head at the other girl and went back to planning out what he needed to get in order to make Dean's birthday perfect.

They had been spending more time in the apartment, now that John was gone out of town again and he felt more comfortable going over there without having to hear muttered comments about how Gabriel had ruined their family or how Sam was ungrateful for all of the things that the Winchester patriarch had done for him. It was like listening to an angrier, drunken version of his own father and it had made him feel better a little bit about his own looming confrontation with the Reverend Novak and his eldest brother in the next couple of weeks.

His father was manipulative and full of twisted ideas about religion that just helped him justify how he had treated him, but Castiel had gotten away and so had Gabe and Anna; he couldn't imagine having to live with hearing about how horrible and wrong his lifestyle was every day. Cas was happy that Sam was safe and that his own brother wasn't trying to stick up for the younger Winchester anymore against a man that was not only twice his age, but more than twice his size, he just wished that Dean would see reason and get out of a bad situation too while he still had a chance.

Frankly he was surprised that the other boy had agreed to the whole college thing, but most of it had to do with Castiel refusing to submit any college applications unless Dean did too. He knew it was petty and underhanded and pretty much blackmail, but it had worked and even if they only applied to University of Kansas it was still better than nothing. Hell, community college was better than letting Dean waste away his intelligence and Castiel could admit that he was hoping his birthday present would be an eye opener for the other boy once he saw how things could be if he finally left John to his own devices like everyone, including Bobby had asked him to do more than once since Sam had moved out.

Even if it wasn't enough to make his boyfriend want to leave the apartment, it would still serve to make Dean's room look a little bit less miserable which it had the last couple of times he had gone over to find that Sam's side of the room was still bare and empty and untouched. He didn't know if it was because Dean was unwilling to change anything about the room or if it was because he didn't have the time since he was so busy with work and school and taking care of John, but either way it had to change because his back was really starting to hurt from sleeping in the other boy's ridiculously small bed.

So that's why on Dean's birthday, Castiel got Sam's key to the apartment and got Meg to pick him up along with the mostly cooked pot roast that Gabriel had decided to make for Dean and the pie that Cas had made himself after Sam mangled all of the apples while trying to peel them. The two brothers had taken away the younger Winchester's paring knife and banished him to the living room with Anna, lest he destroy any more of Dean's present with his good intentions.

The younger boy had helped Cas pick out posters and bed sheets though, lending his surprisingly decent decorating taste to the whole endeavor and adding in his skills as a pack mule on the day that they carted all of the bags with new linens and curtains to wait in limbo in Meg's apartment until the day it all went up on the Sunday that Dean was trapped at work. Sam told him that Dean had never let him buy him a birthday gift before and was ecstatic to be allowed to help at all even though he was total shit at keeping a secret from his older brother and had almost slipped the last time that Dean had been over for dinner at the Novak house. Gabe had told Sam that his talking privileges were revoked and dragged the younger boy out of room much to Dean's confusion and disgust.

The day of, Castiel woke up to Dean's phone going off, playing its tinny ringtone from the nightstand just like he and Bobby had planned it; calling his boyfriend in to work on his day off with some problem that would keep him there all day and unaware of Meg and Castiel stripping his room down and giving it a much needed overhaul. It seemed a bit redundant to let Dean take him all the way home just to turn around and go back to the apartment, but he needed to get the food together and grab a change clothes and keep up the charade of it just being another normal day because that's what Dean expected him to do.

But by noon he was back at the apartment, with Meg in tow helping him take the food up to the apartment and then going back to her place for the posters and the paint and the pillowcases that he had picked out while trying not to imagine how his and Dean's apartment together might look someday when they made stupid little decorating decisions together.

"You were right, Cas." Meg said, after putting the pot roast back into the oven and joining him where he was standing right inside Dean's bedroom door, his hands on his hips as he stared down at the one can of paint that he had bought to do what Sam had called an accent wall to offset the stark whiteness of the rest of the room. "This shit's depressing."

He shrugged at that, depressing hadn't been the word he used to describe how Dean's room looked now that it was all his, half empty and still sporting Sam's old matching bare twin sized bed and the empty bookshelf that the younger boy had built that Cas still didn't understand why Dean wasn't using since his boyfriend's own small bookshelf was overflowing. Castiel had used the word dreary and probably gloomy, but he was pretty certain he hadn't said depressing. Okay, Dean _had_ been moping a lot since Christmas and Sam moving out, but he hadn't said anything about being sad or anything over it so depressing seemed a little harsh to describe the nearly empty bedroom.

"Tell me what to do boss," Meg sighed rubbing her hands together and looking around the room with her brow furrowed. "What are we moving? What's getting painted? How are we doing this?"

"Well, I talked to Sam," Castiel began pointing towards the wall that had the beds pressed against it. "He told me that would probably be the best wall to paint and we need to do that first so that it can dry before Dean gets home. So I guess...moving furniture?"

"I knew you only wanted me for one thing, Novak." Meg said ruefully, pulling her hair until into a messy pony tail and starting towards the empty side of the room first. "Be careful, Luc is gonna get jealous. Not a big sharer, that man o' mine."

They worked in silence for a little while, until it became oppressive and Castiel hunted down Sam's laptop that he had given back to Dean a couple of weeks ago when he figured out that Gabriel's was better anyway so that he could turn on some music. He let Meg pick the music since she kept flapping her hands at him and she was being so helpful and Castiel had never been one to turn down hearing something that he didn't usually listen to. But it turned out that Meg had a penchant for angsty, female singer/songwriters; lots of Tori Amos and Joni Mitchell and enough Alanis Morissette that he could choke on it. He tuned it out and hummed different love songs to himself instead.

He didn't notice the glinting until Meg absolutely refused to help him paint, stating that it was going to make her break a nail which was ridiculous since she had been helping him move bookcases and beds and the dresser out into the hallway and they both had banged their fingers in the doorway more than once. But when he did notice it, Castiel turned into a squealing mess and really he had never thought his voice could sound that girly; he was just really happy that Jo hadn't been around to hear it because he never would have lived it down.

And then Meg started crying and jumping up and down and he ended up with an armful of his friend before she finally let go of him long enough that he could look at her hand and the massive ring that was on her finger that he was surprised that he hadn't noticed before now. God, Luc must make really good money to be able to afford a ring that big and he felt all tingly inside when the girl started describing how her boyfriend had proposed to her on New Year's Eve when they had still been in Colorado visiting his family.

He could almost picture the same thing happening to him, with Dean proposing in the snow and both of their faces so cold that it hurt to kiss because their icicle noses got in the way, but they were so happy that they didn't care. Castiel shook it off though, the daydream that was way too crazy to be thinking about and nodded in all the right places through Meg's story, hugging her and promising that nothing would make him miss their wedding even if it happened in the most remote place on earth.

And then he started painting, the dark royal blue that complimented the minty green of the bed linens and duvet that had subtle matching stripes that were the same shade as the paint that Sam had helped him pick. Meg pulled out the frames that he had gotten for Dean's posters and set to work with the decorating type things that needed a feminine touch, keeping an eye on the food so that it would be ready and not overcooked by the time that Bobby finally let Dean go when they had planned that the older man would.

The text came from Dean at around five, saying that he was almost done with the locked up engine block that Bobby had come up with as an excuse to keep his nephew away from the apartment for the day and asking if he could come over to the Novak house after he showered and changed clothes. That's when Cas started freaking out because what if the paint wasn't dry yet? And what if the pot roast was too dry or his pie tasted horrible? What if Dean got mad at him for changing around his room? What if he had liked things the way they were before he came along and screwed up his whole life?

"Breathe," Meg told him prying his phone out of his hands and tossing it down on the two twin beds that they had pushed together to make a full that would mean he didn't have to sleep on top of Dean anymore, though it really wasn't that horrible to wake up that way, it just made his neck hurt like hell. "Get the fuck out of your head, right now Cas."

"I'm not in my head," He said trying to rolling his eyes, but getting his face caught in Meg's grasp so that he had to look at her. "I'm just...what if he doesn't like it? I'm being pretty presumptuous here, maybe he wanted to keep everything the way it was before."

"It was crap before," the other girl spat, shaking his face in her hands one last time before moving towards the bookshelves and straightening Dean's Vonneguts that were still stacked between the other boy's plain, rustic looking bookends. "Do you really think he was happy before you came along, Cas? I had only met him a couple of times, but Dean Winchester was an emotionally constipated bundle of overly sexualized self-hatred and you made him into so much less of an asshole that now I can stand to be around him. You're a fucking miracle worker."

"I just meant the room, Meg." Castiel replied, looking around at Dean's band posters, now framed and spaced more evenly throughout the room, at the new lamp that he had bought the other boy that had a clapper so neither one of them would have to get out of bed to turn the light off because once the bed was all toasty and warm they always bickered and cajoled each other to try to see who's turn it was to do it.

He felt like it was just a preview of what they could have together if Dean gave them the chance, but he was also so ridiculously in love with the other boy that he was willing to wait until his boyfriend came to his senses about the whole John thing. Dean had been so patient waiting on the story about his dad and Raphael that it felt unfair to try to force him to do something that he didn't want to do as far as the Winchester patriarch was concerned, but he wanted the other boy to know that he wanted a crappy first apartment that belonged to only them and he wanted to fight about stupid stuff like paint colors and dishes and bills. As long as he did all of those things with Dean, it's what he wanted.

"Sure you did, Cas." Meg said looking at him meaningfully and starting around the room to gather up the scattered bits of packaging that had ended up all over the place while Castiel had struggled to make the bed and Meg had hung pictures. "Stop freaking out, he's going to love it. He loves you, right? Now go wash the paint off your face and I'm going to finish picking up then make myself scare."

"I appreciate all of your help today, Meg." Castiel thanked the other girl, running his hand over the new comforter on the bed before following his friend into the living room to check on the food one last time. "I know you two haven't always seen eye to eye, but if it weren't for you Dean and I probably wouldn't be together.

"Yea right," Meg scoffed, turning down the heat on the oven and opening various kitchen cabinets before she found plates and started pulling down dishes to set the small dining room table. "If it weren't for me you two would've been dating within a week of you moving here. You two are literally the most oblivious people I've ever met, thank god it finally all worked out. Now seriously, you have paint all over your face."

"What would I do without you?" He asked leaning in to give her a hug that she returned with more enthusiasm than her eye-rolling and sighing let on.

"Never shower apparently, now go! I'll probably be gone by the time you get done so just remind Dean that other people live in this apartment complex and we don't want to hear all of your wild sexcapades. Keep it down you crazy kids."

Castiel rolled his eyes and shot off a text to Dean asking him how long he thought he would be, getting much less time as a reply than he had expected and deciding to forgo triple checking the apartment in favor of a shower that would help him get off the paint that had not only gotten on his face but also in his hair and all over his forearms when he had been slapping on a second coat of paint as quickly as possible. He didn't even take the time to dry his hair all the way because he was so scared of burning the food, that he threw back on his paint splattered clothes and rushed out into the kitchen in just enough time to see his boyfriend running a tired, grease stained hand over his face as he came in through the door.

"Cas?" Dean asked, pausing confusedly in the front hallway and taking in his wild appearance with a tired, beamused smirk. "What are you doing here, babe? I was just going to change and come over to your house, how did you even get in?"

"Surprise," Castiel replied weakly, waving his fingers at the other boy in mock celebration before closing the space between them to give his boyfriend a nervous kiss.

Dean hummed happily into their kiss before freezing and taking a wary step back towards the doorway, reaching out towards the door handle with a growing frown on his face. "Are people about to jump out from somewhere to yell me? Because I told you I didn't want a party, Cas."

"Nonono," Castiel said, catching Dean around the waist and dragging him farther into the apartment, towards the dining room so that he could see that their friends weren't lurking inside to ambush the other boy with an unwanted surprise party. "It's just you and me. I promise no people popping out of closets or party clowns anywhere in this general vicinity."

"So this is..." Dean began, looking over Castiel's shoulder towards the set dining room table and raising a questioning eyebrow at him.

"You've had a long day, honey." Cas replied adopting the most prim and proper fifties housewife voice that he could manage given that most of the time his voice sounded like he had been gargling rocks. "How about you go take a shower and I'll have dinner on the table by the time you get out?"

The other boy gave him a weird smile when he leaned up to place another soft, chaste kiss on his cheek before letting go of Dean and moving towards the oven, peering in through the dim interior at the pot roast and trying to figure out when exactly he should put the pie in to warm up so it would be just the right temperature to go with the ice cream that he had made Meg stop so that he could dart into the grocery store to get. Dean ran a hand over the back of his neck and started towards his bedroom, probably intending to get clothes that weren't dirty or torn or covered in grease and Castiel's scream for him to stop may have been a bit much, but he wasn't ready for the other boy to see the main part of his present yet.

"NO!" Castiel said, rushing down the hallway and plastering himself in front of the closed door so that Dean couldn't go in. "You can't go in there."

"Oh-kay?" Dean asked, sighing and shaking his head a little bit. "I uh...I can put this stuff back on I guess. You're being really weird."

"I know," he said breathlessly, twisting the handle behind his back and letting the bedroom door crack open just a bit. "You go shower, I'll get you clothes and then we can eat. Okay?"

"You could always shower with me," Dean offered lowly, leaning up against the doorframe and pressing into Castiel with a seductive smile quirking his mouth. "It is my birthday after all."

"So now you're playing the birthday card?" Castiel asked, biting his lip and reminding himself that he needed to take care of the food and that he had already showered and as much as he wanted to run his hands all over Dean, especially when he had a smear of dirt or grease or something right over his cheekbone making him look rugged and manly and edible, he still had other birthday things to take care of first. "No, you shower. I'll clothes, then food."

"Party pooper," Dean muttered, glancing down at Castiel's mouth one last time before moving back down towards the bathroom and shutting himself inside.

* * *

Dean had learned early on in life that birthdays weren't anything special, at least not for him. They were just another day that his mom and dad got into a fight or, after his mom left, dealing with the aftermaths of John's drinking binges. He spent his birthdays doing laundry or grocery shopping or working or cleaning up Sam's scraped knees from falling off of his bike. Dean had learned to stop expecting people to treat the anniversary of his birth like it was something that mattered or had changed the world at all.

He didn't like parties because in the past that had always meant that he was drunk and he hooked up with some girl who acted like they cared that it was his birthday, but didn't really. And he didn't like presents because it was just a reminder that his own gifts for his friends were usually predictable and lackluster and involved car maintenance, but that didn't stop them from giving him presents at school on Friday or change the fact that his friends were amazingly thoughtful and knew him better than he realized most of the time.

For his eighteenth birthday, he had just wanted to spend the day with Cas; even if all they did all day was study for the SATs which they should have been doing for much longer than the two weeks they had between him agreeing to take the test and its actual occurrence. So when Bobby called him in to help with the world's most fucked up engine ever, forcing him to cancel his plans with his boyfriend and go into work all day Dean had cursed the older man up, down, and sideways all the way over to the shop in the Impala, getting it out of his system before he had to spend what was supposed to be his special day elbow deep in someone else's problems, just like he always did.

It had been nice to come home to find Cas there waiting for him and if he hadn't been so tired he probably would have pushed the other boy up against the wall and started ravaging him right then, but he was exhausted and also would've been fine curling up in his bed and sleeping with the other boy for the next million years or so. Cas was acting weird though and he had cooked for him, which wasn't something that had ever happened before and then he wouldn't let him into his bedroom. Something was going on and Dean still wasn't wholly convinced that a surprise party wouldn't be waiting for him when he got out of the shower.

But all that was there was Cas waiting outside the door with a pile of clothes in his hands and blush tingeing his cheeks when Dean opened the bathroom door with just a towel around his waist. He loved that the other boy still got all flustered around him, Castiel had this amazing, alluring innocence that could just change into authoritative, commanding sexuality at the drop of the hat. Dean was still finding new ways that the other boy turned him on, things that he never would have thought to ask for from a girl and with Cas he didn't have to ask; his boyfriend just knew.

"I didn't lock the door," Dean offered, smirking at the other boy when he went to wrap his arms around him where Cas was standing at the kitchen counter, dishing up pot roast and vegetables out of a big ceramic roasting pan onto to plates. "You still could've joined me, sweetheart."

Castiel leaned back into his chest with a sigh, shutting his eyes when Dean started kissing his neck before the smaller boy elbowed him lightly in the stomach and picked up their plates to carry them to the table.

"You, sit. Eat." Castiel ordered, arching his eyebrow at Dean almost as if he was daring him to question his authority.

"Now this feels like a real birthday," Dean muttered teasingly, totally joking in every way because he liked it when Cas pulled rank on him or pinned him against a wall or acted weird. In fact he fucking loved it, but maybe he should've stopped there when his boyfriend's face fell after Dean finished his thought. "You, get me a beer. You, take care of Sam. I'm going out."

"I didn't mean it like that," Castiel said quickly, clearing his throat and taking the seat across from Dean with his eyes downcast. "I'm just...I didn't mean to sound like your dad. Sorry."

"I was kidding, babe." Dean said, nudging the other boy's foot with his own under the table. "This is great, really. More than I've ever had before, now all we need is some pie."

"Dean, really?" Castiel said, smiling shyly at him as they ate. "What do you take me for?"

"Um...awesome, maybe?"

"Try definitely," the other boy pointed out, making a face when Dean smiled at him around a mouth full of pot roast and carrots and potatoes. "And that's not all."

"Cas..." Dean began warningly, because they had already talked about this; gifts. About how he didn't want one from his boyfriend because then it would feel uneven since he hadn't gotten Cas anything for his own birthday and Dean had never been good with feeling like he owed people anything.

"I don't want to hear it, Dean." Castiel said, kicking at his leg lightly to shut him up. "It's not a big deal and its more for myself than it is for you anyway so you'll take it and you'll like it and we aren't going to talk about it."

"Before or after pie?" Dean asked defeatedly, running a hand over his face in an effort to cover up the smile he could feel his face unwillingly forming into.

"Whatever you want, darling. It's your birthday."

Dean scoffed at that, turning back to his plate and the pot roast which was pretty damn delicious, even though he was pretty sure that Cas hadn't been the one to make it. It smacked of Gabriel's cooking which he had become pretty accustomed to since Sam had moved out, family dinner's were a big thing at the Novak house and the older man had pulled him to the side and told Dean he had a standing invitation to come over anytime he wanted to. He hadn't even rang the doorbell again since the winter ball and most of the time Cas met him at the door anyway, dragging him inside with kisses before Dean could even reach for the doorknob. Every time the other boy did that it felt like coming home, whether it was his apartment or Cas's house or even Bobby's guest bedroom that feeling of rightness that he had with the other boy hadn't faded in the slightest.

"I really like this whole, playing house thing by the way," Dean said, gesturing with his fork around the apartment. "It's nice."

"Yea," Castiel said, blushing and biting his lip. "It is."

They ate in silence for a while, leaving the apartment quiet enough to be able to hear music that was filtering out of the partially opened door of his bedroom. Dean got seconds, Cas pulled the world's sexiest looking pie out of the oven to cool, and it all kind of degraded into Dean pushing the other boy up against the kitchen counter so that he could kiss him because this was easily the best birthday of his life, even without the pie.

He skimmed his hands up underneath the t-shirt that Cas was wearing, settling his hands on firmly on the other boy's waist and deciding for probably the first time in his life that pie could wait in lieu of birthday sex that he would actually remember for once. Castiel smelled like his body wash and apples and cinnamon and all of Dean's favorite things; he felt like his life was slowly turning into a sappy musical and it didn't even bother him like it probably once would have.

"Present?" Castiel muttered against his lips, draping his arms around Dean's neck so that he could play with the short strands of hair at the back of his head.

"God, yes." Dean groaned, letting the other boy push him down the hallway backwards, stumbling over nothing as they kissed their way towards his bedroom.

He was already impatiently trying to push Cas's shirt over his head when his knees hit the mattress of his bed, much sooner than he was used to colliding with it when he stumbled into the room groggy and blurry-eyed after picking John up from a bar. Dean cursed softly, putting his hands behind him on the mattress to push them off of Sam's old bed so they could get across the room to his, but they met soft fabric instead of the scratchy material of the bare mattress that he was expecting. His frown was just as much from confusion as it was from unhappiness over Cas pulling away from their kiss.

"What the hell?" Dean mumbled, running his palms over the unfamiliar blanket that was covering the bed that was way too big to actually be his in a room that was entirely too clean and grown up looking to be in his tiny, depressing, empty apartment.

"Happy birthday?" Castiel said hesitantly, standing at the edge of the bed watching as Dean flipped over onto his stomach and scrambled into a sitting position in the middle of the bed that was twice the size it used to be to look at the way his room had been redecorated.

Dean tried to reconcile how his room looked now versus how it had looked when the space had belonged to both him and Sam; he had been so intent on kissing Cas, lost in the perfect sensation of how his body fit against the other boy's that all of the changes probably would have escaped his notice until the middle of sex if Cas hadn't pushed him back onto the bed. He could tell that not a lot had actually been changed, it was all still the same furniture and his bed was in the same place, just it was bigger somehow now, but the way that everything had been moved around made everything look so different and adult and sophisticated in a way that he never would have been able to put together without Jo or someone helping him.

Cas had done all of this? For him? And knowing Bobby, the older man had probably been in on it because his uncle had been hella clumsy all day when they were trying to fix that engine, causing more problems every time Dean thought that he had figured the whole thing out and could he could take off to spend the rest of the day with his boyfriend like he had wanted to. He hadn't done anything to the room himself because Dean felt like everything else in the apartment was so miserable now that Sam was gone, so his room should be too.

But this was...

"Amazing," Dean said, reaching out and running his fingers over the dark blue painted wall that used to be white, smirking when he thought of how the color matched Cas's eyes when the light hit them just right. "Babe, this is perfect. Did you do all of this yourself?"

"Meg helped me a bit," the other boy replied after clearing his throat, crossing his arms anxiously over his chest. "We can change anything around that you want though, nothing is permanent."

"Why is my bed so big?" Dean asked, shaking his head a bit and bouncing around until he was sitting in front of Cas so that he could pry the other boy's hand down so he could hold it loosely. "And hey! You bought me a guitar stand."

"We pushed the beds together and that's from Sam, actually." Castiel said, smiling and watching Dean as he looked excitedly around the room. "He stole Bonnie and went to get it for you while Gabe and I were cooking. You didn't think he would forget your birthday, did you?"

Dean shrugged a bit, looking down and running his thumb over the back of the other boy's hands. He tried to not let it show on his face that that's exactly what he had been thinking since he barely saw his little brother anymore and Sam didn't need him now that he was living with Gabriel, safe away from their dad who wouldn't even talk about his youngest son anymore. He hoped it wasn't obvious to his boyfriend how much it hurt his feelings to not even have gotten a text from his brother today when that's all he really wanted or needed from Sam.

"Dean," Castiel said softly, using his other hand to cup his face and bring his head up so that Dean had to look at the other boy. "It's better that he's not here anymore. I know you miss him, but Sam's safer away from your dad."

"I wouldn't have let anything happen," Dean protested weakly, glancing up at the other boy's unconvinced face and rolling his eyes before pulling Castiel down onto the bed with him. "Can we not talk about that? I don't want to be bummed out on my birthday."

"Well, what do you want to do then?" Castiel said snuggling his face into the larger boy's neck with a contended sigh, twining his legs through Dean's as he went even though there was no real reason for them to have to be that close now the bed was twice as big.

Dean hummed in thought, rolling over onto his back and pulling the other boy with him so that Castiel was straddling his hips and chuckling softly into his neck. "We could study? SAT prep questions?"

"Oh, is that what you're doing?" Castiel asked, pulling back so he could look incredulously at Dean. "You want me to quiz you on Algebra? Word associations?"

"Anatomy is on the test right?" Dean replied innocently, running his hands along the other boy's back noticing the flecks of paint splatter on Cas's shirt for the first time.

"No," Castiel replied, furrowing his brow and shaking his head a little bit, smirking down at Dean before beginning to place soft kisses down his jaw. "Don't think so, darling."

"Really? I'm pretty sure it's on there. We should quiz each other."

"A practical exam," the other boy muttered ruefully, nibbling on Dean's earlobe and causing the larger boy to fist his shirt in his hands. "And that's not even the best part of your present."

"Lingerie?" Dean asked jokingly, earning a raised eyebrow and an intrigued smirk from his boyfriend. "Save something for Valentine's Day, babe."

"No, dork." Castiel said, sitting up in Dean's lap and pulling his shirt over his head. "But consider that duly noted."

"Really?"

The smaller boy just shrugged, smiling impishly at Dean before clapping his hands together loudly twice causing the lamp that was casting the only light in the room from where it had been perched on Dean's nightstand to go out with a muted click.

"A fucking clapper!?" Dean exclaimed, rolling his boyfriend back onto his back and silencing Castiel's silly, self-satisfied giggles with kisses. "Best birthday ever."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm getting bummed that this is almost over, like super sad. I'm lingering and drawing this out and being sentimentally, silly; forgive me. One word guys: Trial. Then that's it for Born to Run. :(
> 
> The second part will be called Nomad by Fate (official on that one), so look for it after the end of this part. I'm going to try to get a couple of chapters ahead before posting anything though, so my other fics will keep updating in the meantime. *sigh* Love you guys, fml. :(


	29. I Was An Island

Dean walked out of the SAT feeling like a fucking superstar. Sure his hands were shaking and he wasn't entirely sure that he would be able to hold down the enormous breakfast that Gabriel had forced onto him and Cas before they headed over to the college where the test was being administered, but besides that he felt like he was on top of the world. Well, he was also still a little pissed that the uppity dude administering the test wouldn't let him sit next to Cas, said it was protocol or the rules or some stupid shit that everyone had to sit alphabetically and that Dean wasn't going to get the rules bent just for him.

Even that couldn't mess up the euphoric high that he was feeling as he and Castiel walked out to high car, hand in hand and enjoying the unseasonably warm Feburary weekend that had turned the gathered snow into slush that revealed the green offshoots of the grass that had been hidden underneath for the last couple of months. Because apart from a couple of really confusing Algebra problems and one badly written word association question, Dean was fairly confident that he had completely owed the SAT.

For the first time in a long time he was feeling optimistic about things that he had always thought were out of his reach, things like college and a stable relationship and actually growing up to have a job that people didn't look down on him for doing. He was good at fixing cars, better than even Bobby sometimes and he liked it, for a hobby, but did he want to do it for the rest of his life? He would never regret the things he had learned from his uncle, about doing an honest day's work for an honest wage , about the value of a dollar and how some people didn't really know how much it was worth because they had never really had to work for it. But no, working on cars was not the end game anymore; for once he thought he might be able to do something more than his dad had told him he could.

"So let's celebrate," Castiel said excitedly beside him, feeding off of Dean's energy as the larger boy took advantage of his boyfriend's good mood to press him up against the side of the Impala that had warmed in the afternoon sun. "No more studying, just regular school and then we're done. Then we can get past high school and move on with our lives."

"Are you sure this isn't you trying to make me forget that you're leaving for a week?" Dean asked, leaning in close to bury his face in Castiel's neck because a week was a really long time and Chicago might as well be on the moon and Cas was still pretending that he didn't have to face his dad in less than a week to give testimony that might put his father and oldest brother in jail for what they did to him.

Cas had been avoiding talking about it with Dean and more than once he had caught the other boy talking to his therapist on the phone over the last couple of weeks, getting the woman's help to talk himself down from the edge of a panic attack and kissing Dean like the world was ending as soon as he ended his calls. Their love making had taken on an air of desperation ever since his birthday, with Castiel clinging to him when he had to stumble out of bed to go pick up John from somewhere during the brief week that he was in town before taking off again leaving behind a note that said he wouldn't be back for a month.

It worried Dean just a little bit that his dad was taking jobs farther and farther away, but then again he had other things to worry about before today too. Like the SAT and those college application essays that he had told his boyfriend he would write while Cas was in Chicago and Cas, himself, who seemed reckless and restless, spending more and more time jogging and journaling even when he was with Dean in his redecorated bedroom stretched out on the bed like it was theirs along with the rest of the apartment and it was so domestic that it made Dean's heart feel heavy and happy and full.

"Maybe I just need a distraction, myself." Castiel replied lowly, wrapping his arms around Dean's neck and chuckling when the larger boy started humming Elvis songs into his ear. "Let's go out somewhere, its Saturday night. I feel like I have all this energy that I need to work off."

"I could help you with that," Dean said teasingly, kissing at the other boy's neck and groaning in annoyance when a part of the group of students that they had been testing with walked by talking fairly loudly about how gross gay couples were and why did they have to rub their disgusting behavior in everyone's faces.

"Ignore them," Cas muttered, giving the passing trio the finger behind Dean's head and sticking his tongue out at the shocked expression he got in return. "It doesn't matter what they think."

"I know, babe." Dean sighed, pulling back so that he could brush the hair out of the other boy's face earning a soft smile from Castiel. "I just keep wondering when it's going to stop bothering me so much. People shouldn't be allowed to just say shit like that, like I don't go around pointing out the things I don't like about everyone so why do they get to do it to us?"

"Because they want us to break," Castiel explained, prying himself out from underneath Dean's weight so that he could clamber into the Impala. "People like that have a hole in their lives, something they're trying to hide or fill by pointing out the flaws in other people, all of it is trying to take the attention off of the problems in their own lives because the last thing anyone wants is to be pitied."

"Do you pity your dad?" Dean asked, glancing over at his boyfriend as he started the car, wondering if he had pushed to far again and if Castiel was going to shut him down by pulling up his phone and calling Rachel instead of talking to him when he was right here practically begging Cas to confide in him.

"I pity Raphael for being dumb enough to get used by my dad," the other boy replied, his voice sounding monotone like it only did when he was trying to hide his emotions and the fact that Dean knew that didn't really make him feel any better about his boyfriend hurting. "Can we go now?"

"Where are we going, babe?"

"Anywhere, just drive." Castiel said, slouching down in the passenger seat and flopping his hand into the space between him and Dean, palm up and asking for it to be held so they were probably okay.

Dean pulled out of the parking lot of the lecture hall that they had tested in, aiming the car for the apartment and wishing that there was something else he could do to let the other boy know that the trial was really the last test before they could move on with their lives, focus on the future and all of the potential that it held now that they were together. But he was patient, he could wait and he loved Castiel so really he could wait forever and be okay. Even if they were grumpy old men together by the time Cas finally was able to move past the betrayal of two of the people that he trusted most in the world, Dean could wait and promise himself that he would never let the same thing happen to the boy he loved ever again.

* * *

Castiel rubbed distractedly at the X's that had been put on the top of his hands with the thick black Sharpie that the bouncer had carried, wishing that he had had enough foresight to bring something to get it off with so that he could drink like everyone else was doing. Even Krissy had a fake id and she definitely could not pass for 21, but the bouncer had looked the other way because Meg had flirted with him much to Luc's eye-rolling displeasure and they had all made it into the club with only Castiel getting marked as underage.

When he had told Dean that he wanted to go out, he hadn't really expected his boyfriend to invite all of their friends along with them, but he figured it was his own damn fault for saying no to a movie and no to going to the diner and no to just sitting around at one of their houses where he could get lost in his head thinking about the trial all over again. Studying for the SATs had proved to be a distraction for a little bit, but really Dean was more than ready to take them despite him pouring over every study manual he could get his hands on and Castiel had been left watching his boyfriend freak over nothing for the last two weeks while his trial loomed ever closer.

But he hadn't wanted to burden Dean with it, the timing was just complete and utter shit, but there was nothing he could do about it. The date for the trial had been set months ago, over the summer before he knew about Dean Winchester and found something that he wanted more than the gift of dying forgiven that his father had offered him. Now more than anything he just wanted all of this to be over, so that he could move on with the rest of his life and he didn't want Dean to worry about him when he was already busy taking care of John who didn't even deserve the help that his oldest son was giving him.

So he had kept it all to himself, relying heavily on Rachel to keep him grounded even though after the trial he wasn't even sure if she was going to be his therapist anymore. Her job was done, evaluating him to determine what damage had been caused by Daniel and what had been caused by his father and being a witness at the trial to defend the parts of his sanity that he had managed to salvage after trying to kill himself. The therapist was just flying out for the day that she was giving testimony but Cas and his siblings were expected to be there for the entire time, the two days allotted for the criminal trial and then the third that their attorneys had said the custody hearing would take place on.

Gabriel was still pulling them out of school for the whole week though; apparently it was something that the older man had set up with the school back when he was registering Castiel and Anna for classes and they were flying out to Chicago on Monday morning. Dean had refused to let them take a taxi to the airport, saying it was the least he and Sam could do for the Novaks claiming that it wasn't really house sitting since Sam was already living there and eating them out of house and home.

But that was all that Dean had offered, besides asking leading questions that Castiel knew just proved the other boy loved him because no one worried that much over something they didn't care about. He had it figured out though, how Dean was so much better with gestures than words and maybe his boyfriend would never be able to say it, 'I Love You', but that didn't mean that he was bereft of emotions. Dean loved him, he knew that he loved him, but he was still more than a little worried that his trial fears would put the other boy off of them possibly living together one day. He was still a neurotic mess and the last thing he wanted was to be just another person that Dean had to take care of.

So instead of thinking, he was running or writing down all of his worries so that he wouldn't word vomit them all over his boyfriend. Castiel was just full of this nervous energy that he felt like he needed to work off or it would destroy him along with everything else in the immediate vicinity. Shooting practice with the ROTC helped, they were getting ready for their first big meet next week and Virgil was not exactly thrilled that he was going to miss it, but the older man understood that he had other things to take care of that were bigger than an after school club.

Sitting still in the SAT testing room had been horrible, first with Dean making that huge scene with the testing administrator about them not being able to sit next to each other, which he knew the other boy was trying to get just as much for Cas as he was himself and then with him finishing almost every single section with enough time to spare for him to start freaking out about the trial again. His nails were completely bitten off, his lips felt raw and chapped and not in a good way like they did after he and Dean made out, and he was pretty sure his scratch paper that he turned in with his test looked like the ravings of a lunatic.

That's why he had wanted to do something, go out, run, have sex, drink, maybe even just drive around with Dean and the air whipping in the Impala's windows as music blared loud enough to drown out his thoughts. But they had ended up at some club called the Replay Lounge and he had been the only one to get cornered by the bouncer and marked as designated driver by default. Even Luc was drinking though he was by far the oldest of the people in their group and had ended up talking to some older man in a tweed jacket at the bar who Castiel assumed was a work colleague of his from the college. But not Cas, it was like the world wanted his head to explode or something.

"Bro," Ash drawled, clinking a handful of bottles down on the table and before shoving his hand into Krissy's purse and rifling around.

Castiel watched while the girl weakly protested the other boy's invasion of privacy before grabbing a beer and looking off to where Meg and Jo were dancing out in the middle of the open space that served as a dance floor in front of the stage that the DJ had set up on. Ash pulled out a travel sized bottle of hand sanitizer and tossed it in Cas's direction, making a motion towards the back of his hands that the smaller boy should use it there.

"Rubbing alcohol," Ash shout-talked in his direction over the thumping music that was playing the background. "Gets Sharpie right off."

"Who's going to drive?" Castiel asked, pausing before he popped the top of the bottle and doused his hands with it.

"Krissy and I can handle it," the other boy replied, smiling up at the girl in question when she plopped down into his lap almost immediately after he sat down in one of the chairs that was huddled around the small round table that they had managed to snag. "You need to relax, man. You've been hella stressed."

"Am I that obvious?"

"Dude, yes." Krissy sighed. "Thank god you and Dean are done with that test, if I had to sit through one more 'study lunch' with you guys I was going to kill you all. This graduation shit is seriously bumming me out, what am I going to do when you all leave?"

"We've got months, dollface." Ash said, kissing her arm and tilting his head in Dean's direction when they saw the other boy reappear from where he had gone off to the bathroom. "There's your man, take him a beer, dance or something. Just freaking act like a teenager for a bit Cas, you don't have to be so serious all the time. Being happy is not going to kill you."

"Y'know, that is excellent advice," Castiel said, getting up and heading in Dean's direction, grabbing two of the beers off of the table as he went. "You should be a doctor or something, Ash."

"I am," he replied, punching lightly at Castiel's arm as he passed. "Doctor Badass, remember?"

He politely excused his way through the crowd, keeping Dean in his eyeline as he shuffled through the crush of college students and townies who worked in or around the university. The other boy had stopped to talk to Jo, leaning down so that she could wrap an arm around his neck and speak directly into his ear. His boyfriend was smiling and shrugging, probably blushing too but the weird lighting of the club was making Dean looked washed out, but Castiel could tell by the goofy grin that the other boy had that they were either talking about how the test went today, Sam, or him.

When he saw Jo's eyes lock onto his and her smile widen, he knew that they were talking about him. Meg had told their friend how Cas had reacted to the news of her and Luc's engagement, squealing like a girl and getting all teary; just like he had expected, Jo had been teasing him about it non-stop, saying that he and Dean should run off to Vermont and get married and open a bed and breakfast for cats. He had just bit his tongue about it all because if he told Jo about the necklace that Adam had gotten her for Valentine's Day then the other boy would never forgive him, but the first time he saw Jo wearing it Cas knew that his teasing would reach Winchester level proportions.

Dean turned around and smiled at him, making Castiel stop in his tracks just like it always did and try to catch his breath back. He hoped that there would never be a day that seeing Dean wouldn't make his heart beat faster and his breath catch in his chest, he hoped that they would never be one of those couples who got bored of each other and stayed together out of a sense of duty or fear that they wouldn't be able to find someone else. Cas hoped that when Dean eventually come to his senses, that he would be able to pick himself back up afterwards, stronger because of the relationship with the other boy even if it meant being alone again.

"Brought you a beer," he managed to choke out, grinning when Dean leaned in and wrapped an arm around his waist, tugging him close enough that their chests collided as the larger boy reached out to take one of the drinks out of his hand.

"Thanks, babe." Dean said, green eyes roving over his face searchingly as he took a long drink of the beer and pulled him over to where Meg and Jo were dancing and laughing, clinging together and acting silly.

"Cas!" Meg exclaimed, falling into his arms and forcing Dean to step away from his so that he could catch her. "You're going to give me away."

"To charity?" Castiel asked, earning a shrieking laugh from Jo as Meg's mouth fell open in protest.

"NO! At my wedding, buttface." Meg explained, her speech sounding stunted and slowed by the long island iced teas she had been inhaling since walking into the club.

"Isn't that something that a father does?" he scream-talked into the other girl's hair, watching Dean as Jo pulled him farther onto the dance floor and started to bounce around him as his boyfriend laughed.

"Fathers schamathers," Meg slurred, making a face that looked like she had just tasted something sour. "Who needs 'em, eh? Not you, not me, and not boy wonder and supergirl over there. I'd rather have someone who cares about me give away my virtue to Luc."

"It's really gross when you put it that way," Castiel joked, giving her a kiss on the cheek and a nod before turning her around in the direction of the bar and beginning to steer her towards Luc. "Let's go find him, maybe switch you to water."

"You're gonna come back, right?" Meg pouted, leaning heavily into his side as he half carried her to perch on the stool next to Luc who was now standing with Adam looking off over the crowd, presumably for the other boy's girlfriend. "From Chicago? Don't go up there and decide we're all yokels and never come back."

"That's ridiculous," Castiel muttered, rolling his eyes at Meg before pointing Adam in the direction where he had left Dean and Jo. "Of course I'm going to come back, my entire life is here."

"Dean thinks you miss it," Meg said, crossing her arms on the bar and laying her head down on them. "The big city, that's why you've been so antsy and not talking to him about it. He thinks you're going to go back to Chicago and realize how shitty it is here and end up wanting to go to school there instead."

"He told you all that?" Cas asked concernedly, the only schools he had any intention of applying to were ones where Dean Winchester would be enrolled, if his boyfriend ended up deciding college wasn't for him and wanted to run off to join the circus or something, Castiel planned on being right there next to him walking the tightrope or taming lions until Dean told him to leave.

"A girl just knows, Cas." Meg mumbled, shutting her eyes with a sleepy sigh and leaning into Luc who just wrapped an arm around her as he shook his head.

"Go on, Cas." Luc said, pushing Meg's hair behind her ear lovingly before he hefted the smaller woman up into his arms, bridal carry style. "I'm gonna take her home, she's been going crazy about the wedding and we haven't even set a date yet. Oh, did she ask you about the whole giving away thing?"

"Well it wasn't so much her asking me to do it as her telling me that I was going to do it." He explained, smirking when Meg flailed a bit and ended up hitting Luc in the face softly with the back of her hand.

"That's my girl," Luc groaned, shaking her hand out of his face and moving towards the door. "Have fun, Cas. And thanks for everything."

"You're okay to drive right?" Castiel asked, trailing behind the other man and keeping his beer down low by his side when they got closer to the bouncer who he was pretty sure would remember him since Meg had made a point to be pretty unforgettable when she was trying to get them all in so they could drink.

Luc waved him off, nodding back in the direction of the dance floor and saying goodbye one last time before heading out the door of the club.

* * *

Cas may have hated dancing once upon a time, but apparently the right combination of stress and alcohol and cajoling by both Jo and Krissy was enough to make his boyfriend loosen up enough that he let Dean pull him around the dance floor until the larger boy got impatient enough to drag Cas outside to the Impala where they collapsed in a tangle of jumbled limbs and messy kisses that had Dean rethinking his whole stance on having sex in cars.

The other boy was in his lap, straddling his hips like he had on New Year's Eve and so many times over the past couple of months when they had fogged up the windows of the Impala, kissing after movie night or not wanting to let each other go. It wasn't even about sex most of the time, this time it was, but most of the time it wasn't. This time it was about Dean wanting to give Cas something to remember him by, something that would make him want to come back home to Lawrence and all of the boring, small-town homophobia that they had to put up with that in all likelihood wasn't as bad in Chicago.

"I'm going to come back, Dean." Castiel muttered into his ear, kissing and nibbling at his neck, rolling his hips down against Dean's as he went causing the larger boy to groan softly and run the flat of his palm up Cas's back to press between his shoulder blades. "I won't leave unless you want me to."

"Well, that's never going to happen," Dean scoffed, pulling back to press his forehead against Castiel's breathing heavily into the space between them as his hips canted upwards, seeking friction against the only person he could imagine dying for. "I'd have to be pretty stupid to give you up."

"Guess we'll just have to wait on the test results then," the smaller boy replied teasingly, pulling down the collar of Dean's shirt and ducking his head to bite softly at the base of his throat.

"Asshole," Dean murmured, moving his other hand off of Castiel's hip to slide it into the back of the smaller boy's jeans, digging his nails into the skin beneath the thin fabric of his boyfriend's boxers urging him to move against him faster, harder, rougher.

"You love me," Castiel said, smiling against his throat and tugging on the back of Dean's hair so that he could kiss him desperate and deep, exactly how Dean liked him to. "I know that you love me, I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to come back from this trial and we don't ever have to be apart again."

"I do," Dean breathed, thinking of all of the nights he had spent teaching himself guitar so that he could play _Love Me Tender_ for the other boy as his Valentine's Day present and how his dad probably wouldn't even notice if he and Cas got their own place together as long as he still had a lift home from the bars when he was in town. "I'll be here, waiting for you to come home."

He still wanted it, all of it; the house, the dog, the half cherry half apple pie life with the picket fence that he had always imagined for himself and Sammy once they got the hell out of Lawrence and found nice girls to settle down with. This wasn't how he had imagined his senior year going, but he would be a damned liar if he said that being with Cas hadn't made him a better, happier person and losing that peace that he had found with the other boy scared him senseless.

But he needed to stop letting fear dominate his life, the fear of everyone leaving him alone and defenseless against the looming, angry voiced shadows that had told him all life that nothing he did was good enough. The fear that his dad would never again be the person that he had worked on the Impala with as a kid, before his mom left and everything turned to complete shit that he couldn't protect anyone from, least of all himself. The fear that he would eventually be the same and there was nothing and no one that could save him from that. But then there was Cas and everything else melted away until the only thing he was afraid of was losing the one thing that made him fearless about the rest of it.

Castiel nodded above him, fumbling between them at Dean's belt until he could get the fastenings open and reach a hand inside the denim to palm the larger boy's erection without the cumbersome material separating them. Dean groaned when Cas started stroking him, arching his back against the seat and biting his lip in concentration while he fought to free the other boy from his own clothing. The pair let out a simultaneous moan when their members slid together, Dean licking a stripe on the palm of his hand in order to provide lubricant for the impromptu turn that their heated kissing had taken.

He was so close, thrusting and grinding against the other boy and promising himself that when Cas got back from Chicago he would make the rest of their lives one that people talked about until the end of time, the kind of relationship that people aspired to and envied and prayed that they would be lucky enough to find someday. They were going to be Romeo and Juliet, Mark Anthony and Cleopatra, Lancelot and Guinevere; Dean could write the story of their love. Chuck and Cas had both always said he was a pretty good writer.

"Dean," Castiel moaned, catching the lager boy's lower lip between his teeth for a second before burying his face in Dean's neck, panting against the skin as their hands moved together between them spreading precome and saliva down their lengths. "I want you so bad, want you forever."

"Forever," Dean whispered, dipping his hand lower into Castiel's jeans and pressing a dry finger against the other boy's entrance.

The other boy hissed in surprise before nodding briskly against Dean's neck and pushing back into the intrusion with whimpering sigh. Dean watched his boyfriend's face as the pained expression turned to one of pleasure as Castiel timed his thrusts against Dean with how the larger boy was brushing against his prostate, wishing that he knew how to let Cas know that he was ready for this, that he wanted to feel the other boy inside of him in whatever way he could get. But how did he even begin to ask for something like that?

Cas had been testing and teasing against his limits and so far Dean had just ignored the probing, cautious digits that the other boy used to touch him when they were fooling around, but his curiosity was rapidly getting the better of him. His fantasies had become ones of Cas pining him down, talking to him in that authoritative, deep voice that he used to bark out orders during ROTC practice, and fucking him until he was begging to come for the other boy; imagining how it would feel to have nothing separating him or Cas from each other even though he knew how important protection was.

He just wanted to know how much it would hurt first, not that he was scared of the pain because he was pretty sure some of his football injuries could compare with how his first time bottoming would measure up, he just wanted to know and asking Cas in the middle of sex felt all kinds of wrong. But he had already decided that if the other boy seriously followed through with his leading lingerie jokes that the thought of getting fucked by a guy in thigh high stockings did not bother him in the slightest, in fact as long as it was Cas it was sure to be the most mind blowing experience of his life.

Thinking of Cas in stockings and a corset and god, maybe even some heels or something that would put the other boy taller than him for once made him groan, thrusting with a renewed vigor against Castiel who was muttering and moaning into his neck, pausing every so often to kiss him breathless or run his hand down Dean's chest.

"Close," Dean groaned out, hauling the other boy as close as he could manage, close enough that he could feel Castiel's heart beating against his chest and the other boy clenching spasmodically around the finger that he was using to apply a steady, insistent pressure against his prostate. "Cas, babe. Oh fuck, you're so sexy, so beautiful. Need to feel you, want to see you come."

Castiel arched his back, biting his lip to stifle the low groans that were still managing to tear their way out of his throat. He griped Dean's bicep like it was the only thing anchoring him to the moment before swooping down and dominating Dean's mouth, tongue fucking him in a way that just made the larger boy's mind race with the possibilities of what else that mouth could do to him, what his mouth could do to Cas, what he had been wanting to do to Cas.

And then he was gone, seeing only beautiful blue and sparks as he came shaking apart under the tight grip that Castiel had around their throbbing cocks while they both thrust shallowly through their orgasms against each other. The other boy stroked them until their erections started to deflate, sighing into Dean's neck when the larger boy gingerly withdrew the digit that he had pressed into Castiel. Dean didn't know when he had let go of the other boy to grip the passenger side armrest of the Impala, but there was a _Titanic_ worthy handprint smearing the fog that their breath had created, revealing the slushy parking lot of the club and the distant, hazy streetlights that dimly lit the space.

"It's just a week, Dean." Castiel murmured, looking disapprovingly at the mess they had made of their clothing and shrugging in a defeated sort of way. "This time, next week I'll be back and it'll all be finished. I am going to come back. What was it you said?"

"Stuck for life," Dean replied, smiling ruefully at the other boy and struggling out of his over shirt so they could have something at all to clean up with, so much for not having sex in the car.

"No, it was you're going to hate me by the time I'm done with you I think," Castiel said, smirking as Dean struggled to clean them both up without making it worse than it already was.

"Like I could ever hate you," the larger boy said under his breath, laughing when Castiel pushed him back hard against the seat, crushing their lips together again before clambering out of his lap with a triumphant grin.

"Like I could ever be done with you," his boyfriend retorted, yelping in surprise when Dean climbed on top of him, pushing him down on the seat until he was trapped comfortably under the weight of the larger boy.

"I guess you're right about that," Dean murmured, kissing the other boy's jaw one last time before sitting up briskly and starting the Impala, thankful that seeing Castiel stress-free and smiling had replaced the appeal of alcohol for him almost completely before steering them towards the apartment which felt more like home than any of the other ones he had lived in. As long as Cas was with him, anywhere could be home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Snow day smut! Literally its like driving on an ice-rink where I live and I have only left my house to get the mail, mail-people are officially my heroes, btw. 
> 
> One more chapter guys, which I've already started and hope to have up early so that waiting for the first chapter of the sequel (Nomad By Fate, guys look for it) won't take forever. But if you're jonesin' for other stuff to read my other two fics are going to update and there is probs (def) going to be a punk!Cas AU that I will be starting also. I'm the worst or crazy, either way I'm sorry for all of the suspense my loveys.


	30. Head Is Not My Home

"Is it just me or are you expecting Gabriel to jump out and scare you too?" Dean asked, cautiously opening the pantry in the Novak household so that he could try to figure out something for him and Sam to make for dinner. "I mean, I know we just dropped them all off at the airport, but the house is too quiet."

"I know," his younger brother agreed, nodding vigorously where he had hopped up on the counter after he had followed Dean into the kitchen. "I've been here over a month and I still can't sleep sometimes because I'm used to John's yelling and snoring or being able to hear the TV in the next apartment over blaring through the wall."

"But you're good here, right?" Dean asked, glancing over at his younger brother as he perused the instructions for a box of fancy looking Hamburger Helper that Gabe had in the pantry. "I mean, I know you aren't starving or whatever and you don't have to worry about Dad anymore so you're better off being here instead of with me, right?"

"I think both of us would be better off not living in that apartment anymore," Sam replied seriously, repeating the sentiment that all of the Novaks had expressed on the ride to the airport in his Impala when Dean had made the comment that it was going to be lonely without Cas staying over every night with him. "No one would blame you for getting your own place, you are eighteen now. Or hell, come stay here, it's not like you don't already just walk in whenever you want anyway."

"Anna gets all pissy when I knock," Dean mumbled, shoving an arm blindly into the freezer of the refrigerator and hoping that he would come up with something that would defrost quickly. "And somebody has to take care of dad, make sure he doesn't drown in his own vomit or something."

"He is a fifty year old man; he can take care of himself."

"You sound like Cas," Dean muttered, tossing the pound of ground beef he had had back into the freezer with a disgusted sigh before pulling out his wallet and rifling through the cash he had inside. "I'm ordering pizza."

With John out of town so much it was easier to not be broke all the time, Dean ate most of his meals with Bobby or at Cas's house so he had pretty much stopped buying groceries apart from basics. He hadn't had to settle one of his dad's bar tabs in ages and all of the bills were practically nonexistent now that it was just him and Cas hanging around the apartment. Even then most of the time they kept to Dean's room, not even bothering to turn on any lights throughout the rest of the apartment because the other boy liked that they could cuddle up together more comfortably now in the faux full sized bed.

"He worries about you a lot," Sam offered. "We all do."

"I can take care of myself, Sammy." Dean replied, pulling out his phone and dialing in the closest pizza place. "Go pick out a movie or something while I get the pizza, nothing with accents unless it's _Star Trek_. I don't know how you and Gabe stomach it because Simon Pegg is about the only British dude I can stand."

"You don't know any 'British dudes'," the younger man scoffed, making air quotes and earning a groan from Dean because Sam had to have picked that shit up from Castiel.

"Yea well, if I did. I probably wouldn't be able to stand them," Dean muttered, turning his attention back to the phone when it was picked up and quickly placing an order to for his and Sam's usual half veggie half meat-lover's pizza that they used to get when it was just the two of them.

Sam and Dean set themselves up in the living room, sprawled out on the couch and loveseat respectively while they watched a halfway decent bootleg of _Captain America_ and waited for their pizza. The movie appealed to both of them for different reasons: Steve Rogers reminded the older brother of his soft-spoke, kick ass, naive to the point of adorableness boyfriend while Howard Starks' irreverent, sass-mouthery was a dead ringer for Gabriel's quick, unthinking humor. Needless to say, they missed the Novak brothers more than either of them was willing to admit to each other.

Dean kept checking his phone, waiting for Cas to text him when they got to the hotel that they were staying at and getting more and more worried by the minute; he didn't trust airplanes. But then again he had never had a reason to be on one, it would have to take something monumental to make him put his trust in a big metal tube that moved through the air against all the laws of gravity. No, he really preferred having two feet or four wheels on the ground and he had asked Castiel more than once why they were flying instead of driving to Chicago for the trial since they had plenty of time to get there.

It had something to do with Gabe wanting to visit with his old buddies from high school and one very courageous aunt who were acting as character witnesses for the older man during the custody portion of the court proceedings, but then again if the criminal justice system worked at all then Dean thought it was highly unlikely that any judge would turn Anna over to a man convicted of kidnapping, endangering a minor, and trying to force his son to commit suicide under duress through torture and coercion.

He shook himself out of the funk that he was steadily working himself into thinking and worrying about Cas when the doorbell rang, signaling the arrival of the pizza and the rescue of Bucky Barnes from Hydra. Dean got up to answer it, nudging his brother's foot that was sticking off the end of the couch as he passed to signal that he wanted the other boy to pause the movie while he was out of the room. He was surprised to find that the pizza boy was Kevin Tran, looking just as miserable and unenthusiastic as Dean felt in his horrible Domino's uniform and hat at the front door.

"Dude, when did you get a job?" Dean asked, ushering the younger boy into the house and taking the pizza out of his hands, leading Kevin through to the living room and Sam who was frowning at his phone like it had personally offended him.

"A couple of weeks ago," the other boy muttered, pulling his hat off and tossing it down on the coffee table with a disgusted shake of his head. "My mom made me do it, said it would make me look more well rounded on my college applications and not like some spoiled brat. Plus, I'm trying to save up for a car so I don't have to deal with her driving me and Anna around everywhere for the rest of our lives."

"I dunno, the mini-van will be good for all of those soccer games and stuff you're going to drive the kids to," Sam teased, flipping up the lid on the box of pizza and gesturing towards it before grabbing a slice for himself and settling back down on the couch. "Seriously though, have a piece, take a break or something. We're all just sitting around being depressed about our favorite dysfunctional family being out of town."

"Hey, they're more functional than some other families I know," Kevin sighed, picking out a smallish slice off of Dean's meat lover side and jutting his head back towards the door. "I can't stay though, my mom is waiting on me. I'm not a delivery boy or anything, I just make the pizzas. When I saw this one was coming here I offered to bring it over because I figured it would be for you two."

"Doesn't that mean you have to go back to pay for it though?" Dean asked, pulling out his wallet and fishing out a couple of bills. "Here, I'll even tip you for coming out of your way to bring it."

"Nah, its on me." Kevin muttered, waving away Dean's hand and shuffling his feet. "You guys hear anything from them yet? Anna said she would call me."

"We're in the same boat as you, man." Dean replied, dropping back down heavily on to the loveseat and running a hand worriedly over his face. "Sitting around pining after Cas and Gabe like a couple of old biddies."

"I asked my mom if I could go with them," the younger boy admitted, causing both of the Winchesters to look up at him surprised. "Anna has to testify and stuff and I wanted to be there for her, y'know moral support. But my mom said I couldn't miss that much school, not when I already had perfect attendance all year so far."

"Yeah and how would you get there anyway?" Sam asked around a mouthful of veggies and cheese.

"I know it was a dumb idea," Kevin scoffed, shoving his hands deep in his pocket. "But um, you'll let me know if you hear anything, right? I just want to know that she's okay."

"Of course, Kev." Dean assured the younger boy waving at him one last time before the freshman turned and showed himself back out of the house.

The front door shut with a soft click and Dean heard an engine rev in the driveway, Mrs. Tran was hell on wheels, even more so than he was and Anna joked all the time about how riding in a car with her boyfriend's mom made her thankful for Gabriel's distracted, gesticulating method of chauffeuring her around. He glanced over at Sam who was frowning down at his phone again. His slice of pizza drooping precariously in his other hand forgotten in favor of whatever it was that he saw on the small screen.

"Well, Gabe's probably drunk," Sam sighed, tapping agitatedly at the screen with his enormous fingers. "Nobody spells this badly in real life if they're sober. Text Cas and make sure that Gabriel's friend Kali is still picking them up from the airport."

"Shit," Dean cursed, shooting off a quick message to his boyfriend that he knew was probably pointless since he had made Cas promise him that he would turn his phone all the way off on the plane. Dean didn't want it messing with the controls, flying was complicated enough without the pilots having to worry about interference from cells phones too. "Gabriel must have drank a shit load of those little bottles of alcohol, fucking asshole."

"He's stressed, Dean." Sam defended. "Imagine how you would feel in his situation. Gabe has spent a year taking care of Anna and Cas, all because their dad is a batshit crazy, homophobic asshole and now the court might decide he isn't doing good enough. Anna and Cas are all the family he has and he might lose half of it by the end of the week."

"They have us," the older boy mumbled, glaring down at his phone and trying to decide if it was better or worse that it hadn't lit up with a reply from his boyfriend yet. No reply meant that Cas's phone was off and he had kept his promise to him, not that the other boy had never not kept a promise that he had made Dean. But it could also mean that their plane had crashed, blazing in a twisted metal fireball in the middle of a cornfield somewhere with all the passengers trapped inside.

"Gabs is a sappy fucking drunk, too." Sam groused, running a hand through his hair when his phone lit up again in his hand with another message. "Jesus, he wants to talk to the pilot and ask him to turn the plane around to come and get me."

"Cas has an aisle seat, I doubt he'll get very far." Dean sighed, relieved that even if his boyfriend couldn't message him or reach his phone that at least he wasn't dead or something somewhere.

"We should go," Sam said suddenly, biting his lip and looking pleadingly at his older brother. "To Chicago."

"Don't be ridiculous," he replied, shaking his head and grabbing up a slice of pizza that he wasn't even sure he wanted anymore. "Can't miss school."

The idea had flittered through his head more than once over the weekend actually.

When he had been sitting at the head of his bed in the apartment twiddling and tuning his guitar over and over while he fought the urge to play the only song that he had managed to learn so far for Cas besides _Smoke on the Water_ and watched the other boy gnawing on the end of his pen while he proofread what they had written of their short story for Chuck's class so far. When he had been watching his boyfriend pack his suitcase, Cas glancing over at Dean with a sad smile before he folded the larger boy's grey AC/DC shirt into his bag along with a book of short stories that he had lent the other boy to read on the plane. When he had been driving the family to the airport; dropping them off in the white zone, which was for the loading and unloading of passengers only, and hugging Castiel hard until a surly looking security guard had told the two Winchester's to move their car.

Dean had been thinking about it, driving the eight hours not including stops for gas and eating and restroom breaks all the way to Chicago.

Being there while Cas testified against his dad, recalling all of the vivid details of being held hostage in his own home. Hearing Gabe and Anna moving around above him through the ceiling of the basement that he was locked in, going about their business because their father hadn't even told them that Cas had been attacked at Lake Forrest and they weren't expecting him home again until Easter break. How the flail had felt in his hands, how much it had weighed, what the sound of the stinging lashes had been like when it cut into the pale flesh of his boyfriend's back and how Cas had refused to cry about it because his father had kept telling him that he deserved the punishment, that it would cleanse the evil out of him and make everything square with him and god again.

Cas had told him the whole story the night before, when it had been dark in Dean's bedroom at the apartment and the only other sounds were their soft breathing and the heartbeat that he could hear where he had laid his head on the other boy's chest. His boyfriend's voice hadn't wavered once as he talked about his father and brother with something close to remorse in his voice and Dean could understand because it was the same way he talked about John to people who had already given up on the Winchester patriarch.

The only ones still stubbornly holding out hope for the older man were him and Bobby. And his uncle had even gotten to the point where he refused to be around John when he was drunk anymore, still talking to him on the phone though when John called in during the rare times when he decided to check in on his boys when he was out of town. Usually it was in the middle of the day when Dean was at school and he only knew of his father's fleeting concern when Bobby slipped and mentioned it in passing, but it was still there and that's what kept him picking up his father from the bars even though his hurtful comments about Sam and Gabe hit too close and too hard to home.

"Dean we skipped school today to take them to the airport," Sam pointed out, sensing his older brother's hesitance. "And I promise you, today was not the first time that Gabe pretended to be Bobby to get me out of class."

"Are you serious?" Dean groaned, tossing back down the pizza after one bite that felt sandy and gritty in his mouth. "That's exactly why I didn't want you living here, Sammy. Your head is all tied up with when you're getting laid next instead of school and that's what you should be focusing on."

"I do focus," the younger boy objected, scooting down the couch so that he could turn his puppy dog eyes on Dean, even sticking out his bottom lip and making it tremble a bit until his brother huffed out an irritated chuckle and glanced up at the ceiling muttering for help under his breath. "I'll have Gilda get my schoolwork for me, I will stay up all weekend and do it and I won't get behind, Dean I promise. Please, they need us."

Dean looked down at his hands that had wrapped themselves around his phone while his brother talked, knuckles white as they griped the outdated device. He wanted to talk to Cas, ask his boyfriend's input on all of this, make sure that the other boy wanted him around to witness all of his secrets being laid bare for a courtroom full of people. If the situations were reversed, he knew that he would want Cas to be there, for moral support like Kevin said, but Dean had never claimed to be strong enough to stand up to his own father about anything. Castiel was just so much better than he was, could fight for his family and the things he wanted while Dean had just always let life take him where it took him.

It all came back to jumping, to falling and being brave enough to want to land face first when the ground rose up to meet you. Dean had never had anything that he wanted to be brave for before Cas.

"Fuck it," Dean muttered, rising quickly to his feet and ignoring the younger boy when he let out a yelp of victory and shot up after him. "If we end up in summer school then I'm blaming all of this on you."

"Totally worth it," Sam replied, racing up the stairs after his older brother so they could each throw together a bag of clothes and gather up the things they would need for their impromptu road trip.

* * *

The first day of the trial was like a dream, surreal. Castiel hadn't expected there to be as many reporters as there were, but since what had happened to him was being labeled a "hate-crime" by pretty much every media outlet in the city he shouldn't have been so surprised. If they had been able to keep the trial in Pontiac then the local paper probably would've ran a short blurb about Revered Novak being falsely accused of a crime by his mentally disturbed son while trying to get him help. The county judge was one of his father's parishioners and his sympathy towards the Novak patriarch had been enough of a conflict of interest that their lawyers were able to petition to get the trial moved to a bigger city where Gabriel had hoped the whole thing would fade into the background of Chicago's other crimes.

But someone had talked to the press.

Castiel suspected that it was his old headmaster from Lake Forrest, who had testified on the first day about the attack that Castiel had been a victim of while at the school and had looked at him with sympathetic, apologizing eyes the whole time he spoke and answered the questions from the lawyers. It didn't really matter though because none of this was real. None of it mattered or had any consequence in his life anymore, the stuff that mattered happened tomorrow. The inevitable custody decision about Anna that his younger sister had told him that under no circumstances was he to worry about more than the testimony that he was going to give today.

Most of the trial hinged on what he had to say; on where his mind had been when he had choked down the Vicodin that he had hoped would end it all and send him to face the unfaltering judgment of Saint Peter. The jury had already heard from his headmaster, the emergency room doctor that had tended to him after Daniel's lackeys had finished with him, the EMTs who had responded to Anna's frantic phone call, and the police officer who had been the first law enforcement official on the scene when one of the two medical technicians had followed the trail of blood from the injuries on Castiel's back down the stairs and into the basement to find his father's makeshift dungeon that he had kept his youngest son in for a week.

He had flinched hard when they pulled out the evidence bag containing the flail, which surprised him because he thought that it would be the empty pill bottle with his and his father's fingerprints on it that would make him break. But Dean had cleared his throat softly behind him and it had been enough to make him feel better even though the hand that he was holding was Anna's and not his boyfriends because he couldn't reach the other boy past the several feet and wide wooden barrier separating them.

Dean and Sam had shown up at the hotel suite that their lawyer had rented for them for their stay in Chicago, looking wide-eyed and wind-swept as they smiled sheepishly at Gabriel who had opened the door in his pajamas, which consisted of one of Sam's shirts that was long enough to be a dress on him and his boxers. His older brother had been sleeping off the cocktails that he had drank on the plane, sprawled out on the couch where he had collapsed after dragging himself out of the shower that his friend Kali had bullied him into before leaving, but seeing his boyfriend standing at the door had sobered him up instantly. Giving him enough energy that he knocked Sam down onto the floor of the hallway outside their door when he barreled into the taller boy with his arms wrapped around Sam's neck, sobbing and laughing the entire time.

Cas didn't ask why they were there, just grabbed Dean's hand and led him into the room and back to the bed that he had been sleeping in before the two brother's knocking had woken all of the Novaks up. The few hours that Dean's arms had been wrapped around him, chest pressed snugly against his back as he tried and failed to sleep despite the sound of his boyfriend's deep, even breathing behind him had been enough to remind him that none of this was real. His real life was Dean and Lawrence and the family he had managed to piece together there, not the stranger with his father's face and the brother who had always tried to be the son that their parents had wanted him to be when they adopted him.

Apparently none of them had ever mentioned that fact to either Dean or Sam, as they had both been confused to find out that Raphael was the well, dressed African American man who had stood with their father to hear the charges that were being leveled against them and not the ginger haired lawyer who sat between his eldest brother and the Reverend Novak. Castiel supposed that his father's counsel looked slightly like Anna, if you squinted, but it had never been strange to him to have a brother who was adopted, it was just another thing like having a dead mom and father who didn't hug him that he had gotten accustomed to being looked at strangely for while growing up.

During lunch on that first day Anna had explained their whole contorted family tree, pointing out their Uncle Zachariah and his wife, their Aunt Gail who was looking nervous and small next to their father's brother as they ate at one of the tables in the courthouse's basement cafeteria. She was testifying at the custody hearing and had yet to tell their uncle, that's why her greeting towards Anna had been short and tearful, because she was scared of the intimidating figure that her husband cut. She had been meeting with their lawyers secretly to discuss the positive influence and responsibility that Gabriel demonstrated by taking care of his siblings and going to school and investing the life insurance money from their mother's death that their father had put into a trust fund for him in order provide for all of them so that he could focus on being a parent to his younger siblings. For all of his joking and pranks, Gabe had an uncanny sixth sense about investments.

The older woman had also allowed a fleeting smile to fall on her face when their Uncle Zach was hissing abuse at Gabriel and distracted before their lawyer stepped in and threatened to call security. Her gaze had dropped to Dean and Castiel's clasped hands and then jumped to Sam who was standing protectively half in front of Gabriel before their Uncle had turned briskly and ushered her away, but the smile and the small nod of understanding had been there before she dropped her eyes demurely back to the floor and hurried away. She had declined the offer of any kind of restraining order against their Uncle after she testified, saying that love made you endure all kinds of horrible things when Gabe had asked her why over the phone after they saw how scared she was. Castiel could understand that.

"Cas," Gabe muttered, nudging him lightly in the ribs to draw him out of his stupefied thoughts. "They're calling you. You're up, baby bro."

"Oh," he replied dumbly, climbing awkwardly to his feet and heading up towards the witness stand. He had to remember not to touch his hair, Anna had been practically gluing it to his head and Cas had promised her he wouldn't mess it up.

Swearing in was silly, how would anyone know that you were lying? Was swearing on a Bible supposed to mean that God would strike you down if you fibbed, because that was really the only surefire way that you would know. God probably had more important things to worry about, like starvation or wars or something more meaningful than him and his family. He did it anyway, mostly because it would look bad if he didn't and also because the gold embossing on the outside of the leather bound book made him feel a little better. Maybe God could spare just a second to help Anna through all of this, he didn't care about himself, just his sister.

He told his story just like he had told it to Dean, breathing deeply and locking eyes with his green-eyed paramour like it was the only thing that would pull him through this. Cas was happy that Dean was here, that Gabe had called in to the office at school and put on a laughably weak impersonation of Bobby's voice so that he could tell the administration that both of the brother's had the flu and wouldn't be back until Monday. They would probably figure it out, but Sam told him that they would deal with that when they got back. Which was good because that, Lawrence, was their real life and this all was just a dream; a tragic story that Castiel had to purge out of himself before the final wounds that tore at his mind faded away into scars that matched the ones on his back.

When his lawyer asked him if the men who had held him hostage were in the courtroom, Castiel nodded before remembering that he had to choke out a 'Yes' so that the stenographer would have something verbal to put down on her records. When he asked Castiel to point them out, he hesitated, glancing over at his father and brother before his vision got all blurry and he doubled over from the sharp pain that suddenly laced through his chest, centered on the scar that Raphael had left on his chest. There was a murmuring throughout the courtroom and Castiel could distantly hear Gabriel and his lawyers both asking him if he was okay, but louder was the sound of sermons. Repeated and tumbling over one another in his brain until it was a buzzing, jumbled cacophonous symphony of painful, white noise.

"Are you okay, Castiel?"

He looked up, eyes swimming with tears from the pain in his chest and his head and his memories, to see Raphael standing in front of him, having jumped up from his seat at the defendant's table to walk briskly across the courtroom past the stunned looking bailiff who had only just started moving to stop him to lean across the front of the witness stand so that he could whisper softly to his younger brother. The judge was desperately trying to get back control of the courtroom, banging his gavel and calling for order and threatening to hold Raphael in contempt if he didn't sit down right now.

Castiel nodded slightly at his older brother, fighting against the tight metal bands that seemed to have wrapped themselves around his lungs so that he could take in a breath. He looked past the older man to see Dean standing with his jaw set and his fists clenched as he watched the exchange between the two of them.

"I'm fine," Cas mumbled, mouthing it so that Dean could read his lips and earning a small scowl from his boyfriend in return before Sam tugged the older boy back down onto the bench that they were sitting on. "What are you doing, Raph?"

"I know what you have to do, brother." Raphael murmured lowly, straightening up briskly when the bailiff put a hand on his shoulder. "I bear you know ill will, I deserve this."

"No one deserves this," Castiel replied, forcing back the memory of his brother pinning him to the cold, bare concrete floor of their basement; knees holding down his arms as the older man had cut the cross over his heart, saying that he deserved it. That it was the only way that he could be saved and be with them all in heaven one day.

"Can you continue, Mr. Novak?" the judge asked once the bailiff had escorted Raphael back to his seat and their father who was leaning across his lawyer's lap to glare at his adopted son. He nodded at the older, white haired man who looked so much like Reverend Novak only the lines on his face were from laughter, probably instead of frowning disapprovingly at everyone around him. "Counselor, please repeat the question and we will move forwards with this."

"Castiel," his lawyer began again, his voice sounding less business-like than before when he had been looking at the jury so they would understand the importance of his question. "You have said that they men that hurt you, that held you hostage and provided you with the same materials that you used to try to take your own life, are in this courtroom. If you can, will you please point them out for the jury?"

Cas licked his lips nervously, looking back over at Dean and Sam and his family before letting his eyes wander back a couple more rows to Rachel who was going to be the last person to testify before his father and brother were given the chance to. This therapist nodded once at him and the boy closed his eyes, sighing dejectedly before lifting his hand and pointing out his father and brother. He didn't want to do this.

The anger that he felt towards them had faded, not disappeared completely, but it had been replaced with the overwhelming desire to have all of this be done with so that he could move on and live the rest of his life without this haunting him. And pity, for Raphael who had shown at least some regret over his actions, unlike their father who just kept looking at him and Gabriel like they were filth on the bottom of his shoes.

"Please let the record show that Mr. Novak has identified Raphael Novak and Reverend Richard Novak as the men in question," his lawyer said briskly, striding over to their table and glancing down at a paper there. "No further questions."

The cross examination by his father's defense was ridiculous, hinging completely around the incident at Lake Forrest that had injured him severely, yes, but Castiel had gone for a little over a week after that before attempting to kills himself. A week that he spent deprived of prescribed pain medication, starved and sleep-deprived by his father and brother until he had lost all sense of time when he had been locked in the basement. The torture, the resulting infection from the flail-induced wounds, the brain-washing repetition of the scripture that his father had battered into his fragile mind until he had croaked out a yes.

Yes, that he would do whatever it took to be forgiven in the eyes of the Lord. A yes that had been spoken hoarsely through chapped lips by a boy that was so weak he could hardly stand let alone hold the bottle of pills that he had ended up taking. It was the first and last time he could remember his father touching him as he had helped him up to the bathroom that he and Anna shared, cradling his head and helping him dump the pills into his mouth before offering him a cup of water to wash it all down with. Cas had found out later that his father had gone out to a dinner organized by some of the deacons at the church afterwards, taking Raphael with him and leaving Anna to discover him after school which had been unexpected since she had asked if she could go over to her friend's house like she usually did.

It was the lack of remorse on the older man's part that made him feel the phantom pain of the carving knife twist as it dug into his chest.

He slumped back down in his seat when the judge dismissed him; thankful that this would probably be the last time he would ever have to tell the story again. Cas hadn't been lying when he had told Rachel that he wanted to put the whole thing behind him the last time that they had talked, forget that it had happened so that he could go the rest of his life pretending that he had had a normal childhood and adolescence like everyone else. She told him that she understood the desire, but pointed out that the pain and the suffering had all served to make him a stronger person, which he agreed with to the extent that he was stronger now that he had Dean and that if they hadn't moved to Lawrence then he wouldn't have been able to find the other half that had made him whole again.

"You were great, sweetheart." Dean muttered behind him and he turned to see his boyfriend leaning right up against the wooden barrier separating them and smiling at him proudly.

Cas smiled weakly in return and spun back around to face the judge, perking up when the older man called a recess for lunch before Anna's testimony and Rachel gave her final assessment about his mental health. He practically dove through the short, swinging doors that separated the public seating from the judge and litigants on the courtroom floor, losing himself in the tight hug that Dean wrapped him in and ignoring the derisive snort that he heard come from his Uncle Zach behind him. They were almost done, if justice was served, tomorrow would be a cake walk and they could all finally go home.

* * *

Sam was being very careful around Reverend Novak's lawyers, fuck he was being pretty damn careful around everyone. So far all that anyone outside of their little hotel room family knew, he was just Dean's brother; the lanky minor who had stowed away to follow the older boy on his grand, romantic quest to be there with his boyfriend through this whole fucking ordeal.

It hadn't really been that epic, the car ride to Illinois. Mostly it was them bickering over the radio station and taking turns calling Anna who had known that they were coming up the whole time, but her acting was pretty good and she had fooled Gabe and Cas long enough for the whole surprise to seem legitimate and spontaneous until at least the next morning when Gabs had wised up and asked him how they had known what hotel they were at.

Gabriel had been beating himself up all throughout the trial, saying that he should have been there because if so then none of this would have happened. Or at least maybe it would have happened to him instead of Castiel and that's really what it was because he knew that the older man had just as much of a complex about protecting his siblings from everything bad in the world as Dean did. Sam had been trying to convince him that he wasn't at fault, but he knew that Gabriel wouldn't sleep easy until Anna and Castiel were well and truly safe from their father instead of just temporarily held in the limbo that they had been living in since Anna had walked into that bathroom and found Cas lying in his own vomit with his lips blue and his limbs growing cold.

The older man still had exaggerated nightmares about it, picturing things being much worse than they actually had been because he hadn't gotten to see Cas until he was already in the emergency room, stashed behind a curtain with a tube running down his throat as the half-digested pills were pumped out of his stomach. Gabriel had been hiding out at Kali's house, avoiding his father who he did nothing but lie to in those last, final days before all the shit that their lives had become was revealed and the call had come from Anna via a courtesy phone in the ER while the police hunted down their father for questioning about what exactly had been going on in the basement of their Pontiac home.

Gabe had been sitting stone-faced and silent the entire trial, alternately griping one of his siblings' hands or the edge of the table depending on exactly how graphic the testimony coming from the witness stand was. During Anna's, Sam didn't think that his boyfriend's jaw relaxed once and Gabe would probably be complaining about it hurting later in that cute, pouting way that he did. He had already resolved that ice cream would be the best way to work the older man out of his funk and they could use the time alone together; Dean was planning on taking Cas out to some pizza place he had found online, determined to try a real Chicago deep-dish before they headed back to Lawrence and the backlash of skipping school for a week.

With Rachel's short and sweet professional summation about Castiel's mental health confirming everything that the prosecution was trying to prove about how the desperately, warped version of Stockholm syndrome that Castiel had found himself with because of their father and Raphael was what drove him to try to kill himself, Sam saw Gabriel's shoulders relax more and more. This was it, the final nail that would be driven into wedge that separated Reverend Novak and Raphael from the three siblings sitting in front of him and Dean. There was no judge in the world who would given Anna back to those men and after Gail's testimony, it would insure that the court knew that Anna wouldn't be safe with good ol' Uncle Zach either.

"Will the defendant's please rise?" the judge intoned after dismissing Rachel from the witness stand and making a note on some paper that he had in front of him. "Reverend Novak, Mr. Novak, you are charged with kidnapping, assault, coercion, endangering a minor, and assisting a suicide attempt by providing the means and the motive for said attempt. How do you plea?"

"Guilty," Raphael said lowly in reply.

"Not guilty," the Reverend Novak barked out, stiffening his shoulders and raising his chin defiantly at the judge.

"Raphael Novak you have pleaded guilty to this charge," The judge began frowning in confusion at the eldest Novak child. "In previous arraignments you have entered a plea of not guilty. Is there new evidence that should be presented to the court before your revised plea is officially taken into account."

"There is no further evidence, your honor." The young red-headed lawyer said quickly, cutting off Reverend Novak who had opened his mouth to speak. "My client has decided to take full responsibility for his involvement in the incident that lead to these charges and only asks that you take his honesty into account when sentencing is being considered."

"Very well," the judge muttered, gesturing towards the jury. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury you are dismissed to deliberate and court is in recess until such time as a verdict is ready to be announced.'

With a bang of the gavel, Gabriel was up and striding over to his eldest brother, ignoring their father who reached out to grab his arm as he passed by the older man, before he wrapped Raphael in a tight, rib-crushing hug that the other man hesitantly returned. By the time that Sam reached them, the older brother was sobbing brokenly into Gabriel's hair and muttering apologies over and over again while the uncomfortably looking bailiff hesitated about whether or not to separate the two men.

"I didn't know Gabe," Raphael choked out, pulling back to look down at his younger brother with a tear-streaked face while their father shook his head disgustedly and walked off with their lawyer towards the hallway outside the courtroom. "I thought I was doing God's work, I thought that I was saving him. It just...all became so wrong and contorted, I deserve whatever punishment that they give me. Father and I, we almost ruined Castiel's life and we've stolen yours. I'm so sorry."

"Look at him, Raph." Gabriel replied, wrapping an arm around his brother's waist and nodding at Sam to step out o the way so that the two men could look over at where Dean was holding Castiel's face in his hands, talking low and soothingly to the other boy who was smiling valiantly against the unshed tears that were brimming in his eyes. "You didn't ruin his life. Sent it down a path that none of us expected, but it worked out for the best. For Cas and me and Anna too, we've been able to build ourselves back up alone; find a family with the people we have met and fixed the things that were broken. You didn't steal anything from me, not unless you count the time that we might lose together while you pay your debt to society."

"I couldn't ask for you to let me back in their lives," Raphael said, gesturing towards Anna who had pulled out her phone and was probably talking to Kevin who had been pretty pissed that the two Winchester's had stolen his idea about going to Chicago and hadn't even bothered to take him with them.

"You aren't asking and you don't have to," his boyfriend replied firmly, giving his older brother's arm one last squeeze before moving towards Sam and the rest of their family. "We've lost mom and dad, there is no reason to lose each other too. Just give Cas some time, I'll talk to Anna and we'll visit you once its settled where you are going."

Raphael nodded sadly, looking down at the shiny tops of his dress shoes with a defeated sounding sigh. His pleading guilty meant a lot of things, not just that he was admitting his involvement in helping their father try to save Castiel, but also that there was no way that he could avoid punishment. The kidnapping alone was probably enough to get him several years in prison and they all knew that, but Sam also saw the spark of relief in Gabriel's eyes over at least one member of the fallen duo taking responsibility for their actions and he knew that it wouldn't be long before his boyfriend was making care packages full of cookies for Raphael.

"That was very big of you, Gabs." Sam told the other man lowly, wishing that he could wrap Gabriel in a hug like Dean was able to do with Cas, but resisting the urge because he did not need lending any fuel to the fire that was the judge's incredulity over Gabriel being a twenty year old who could manage to raise his fourteen year old sister for the next four years.

"Now I know you aren't making a joke about my height, Moose." Gabriel warned, glancing up at him with a teasing smile so Sam knew that he was okay. If Gabe was composed enough to joke and let his most mischievous smile fall on his face then he was good, "Because you love me and you know how fragile my ego is and you wouldn't do that to me."

"You're right," Sam said shrugging to work off the unspent energy in his arms and his fingers that wanted nothing more than to card themselves through the floppy hair of the man he had fallen so disgustingly in love with. "That's not what I'm doing, I'm just proud of you for being mature enough to see the only gesture of apology that Raphael could possibly make at this point. When did you decide to grow up?"

"After I put Nair in Dean's shampoo this morning," the other man said softly and breezily. "Call it payback for his leaving my house unattended."

"We locked the door," Sam defended, putting his hand on the other man's arm and squeezing slightly. "Which is more than you do most of the time. Kev said he and his mom would do a drive by to make sure that no one broke in, don't worry about it."

"Would you rather me worry about the custody hearing?"

"What custody hearing?" the younger man replied innocently, glancing up when the judge appeared from his chambers and the jury started filing back into the room with a look of grim satisfaction on their faces.

"I love you," Gabriel blurted softly, putting his hand over Sam's and griping it once hard before smiling tightly at him and moving towards the table that his other siblings were sitting at.

Sam moved back behind the barrier that was separating him and Dean from their boyfriends, leaning over it at his waist so that he could tug on the back of Gabriel's suit jacket. "I love you too, moron."

He sat back down quickly when the judge called order to the courtroom with a bang of his gavel, glancing over at Dean who had his hands clasped tightly in his lap, folded together as if in prayer.

"Forewoman have you reached a verdict?" The judge asked, sounding just like every mid-day TV courtroom show that Sam and Gabe had sat around watching during Christmas break. Only he lacked Judge Judy's sass, he and his boyfriend both whole-heartedly agreed on that.

"We have your honor," the plump suburban looking mom replied, tucking a curl of her Dorothy Hamill haircut behind her ear and clearing his throat determinedly before she glanced down at the paper that she was holding. "We the jury find Reverend Richard Novak guilty of kidnapping, coercion, assisting a suicide by providing a motive, and endangering a minor. He has been found not guilty on the counts of assault and assisting a suicide attempt by providing the means due to lack of convincing evidence to pro—"

"That is bullshit!" Anna proclaimed loudly, jumping to her feet and slapping her hand down on the table in front of her. The younger girl's face had gone beet red, a shade that rivaled her hair that had been pulled back into a professional looking bun at the back of her head all throughout the trial. "He did this to Cas, his fingerprints were on the bottle of pills."

"Young lady," the judge said sternly, peering over his glasses at her and frowning deeply. "I feel that I must remind you that your fingerprints were on the bottle as well and justice can only be served if the charges can be proved without a shadow of a doubt. There are shadows, there is doubt, the wheels of justice keep turning. Now sit down before I have you removed for your outburst."

Sam watched as the girl dropped timidly back into her seat, allowing Castiel to wrap an arm around her shoulders as she folded into on herself in the oversized wooden chair.

"Please continue forewoman," the judge offered, waving the startled jury spokeswoman on with a wave of his hand.

"Due to a lack of convincing evidence to prove his involvement," the woman said again, her voice sounding tight and apologetic before she cleared her throat once more and continued. "We have found Raphael Novak guilty on all counts per his plea before the jury left to deliberate. The jury would like to suggest a reduced sentence for Mr. Novak due to his forthrightness and genuine show of remorse for his actions towards his siblings."

"Please let the record show that the jury's suggestion has been taken into account by the court when considering the sentencing for Mr. Novak which is as follows," the judge began, glancing down at the paper that he had been keeping on his desk before he lifted his eyes to Raphael who was sitting ramrod straight in his chair. "Two years in a minimum security federal correctional facility for each convicted charge totaling in ten years with the possibility of parole after three years with good behavior. Reverend Novak you are also being sentenced to time served in a federal correctional facility however, taking into account your manipulation of the criminal justice system, you will serve three years for each convicted count totaling twelve years with no option of parole regardless of behavior."

The Novak patriarch fist clenched on the table in front of him and the man's lawyer leaned over, saying something about an appeal that Sam only heard because he read the ginger-haired lawyer's lips, but he was pretty sure that no one else noticed it because Cas and Anna were hugging and Gabriel was crying soft, silent tears that just laced across his usually smiling face as the judge wrapped up his proclamations and dismissed them all from the courtroom.

He didn't know why the other man was crying, all of this was good. If their father was in prison then he wouldn't possibly be able to have custody of Anna and after Gail's testimony there was no way in hell that the younger girl would be handed over to hot-headed Uncle Zach who even now was ranting about the unfair harshness of the sentencing to his younger brother the Reverend. The priest was glaring, lip curled up in disgust at Cas and Dean who had outright jumped over the wooden barrier as soon as the judge was out of the room and caught his boyfriend in an intense, celebratory kiss.

Sam saw it coming light years before anyone else even registered the fact that Reverend Novak was striding across the space separating him from his biological children towards where Dean and Cas were standing with their foreheads pressed together, swaying side to side slightly and smiling at each other in a relieved sort of way. His spidey-sense was tingling that something bad was about to happen, but he could only excuse his way through the crush of people pushing to exit the courtroom so fast and there was no way he was going to be able to intercept the older man before he got to his brother; so he did the only thing he could think of that would break Dean out of his love-sick stupor.

"Damnit, Dean!" he yelled, lowering his voice and pressing on his vocal chords with his fingers in an effort to make it sound gravely and wizened like John's was. It was a cheap tactic, but his brother had always jumped to attention when their dad barked out a cursed directed at him and this time it was no different.

Dean jumped back from Castiel like he had been burned, causing the other boy's expression to fall into one of confused terror before he saw his father storming over the last couple of steps to stop in front of them and then it changed into disbelief and anger. Sam smiled his way past the last reporter who had their nose buried in their notepad, scratching out the story that would inevitably be in the paper in the morning about the outcome of the trial, and rushed over to Gabe who had moved to stand guard behind Dean and Castiel who had gone back to holding hands in defiance against the hate that the older man had started spewing towards his youngest son.

"Do you have any idea how this will affect my parishioners, Castiel? Your selfishness is blinding you to the sins that you are still committing and the gates of hell are looming wide to catch you and that slack-jawed hillbilly that you had the nerve to bring here with you," Richard Novak hissed, a vein in his forehead pulsing its way to the surface of his skin like the angry dark hatred that lurked inside the older man was trying to force its way out from more than just his mouth. "You have fallen out of God's grace and you and Gabriel will taint Anna with your deviant behavior. All of you will burn for this, you've made the Novak name into a laughing stock. Why couldn't you have just died like you were supposed to?"

"Listen, Father or Rabbi or whatever you are." Dean began, shouldering his way in front of Castiel who now looked like the scary kind of pissed that was only reserved for serial killers and soccer moms. "You may be a laughingstock, but all of the Novaks that I know are kind and generous and brave. They have more chutzpah in one finger than you will probably ever have in their lives and Cas didn't die, won't die because of you or himself or anyone else just because you don't like the things he chooses to do with his life."

"Who are you?" the Reverend seethed, running his gaze dismissively over Dean before glancing back at Castiel and leering at the younger man. "Really, Castiel; of all of the people you could have chosen to backslide with, I would've have at least hoped for a shred of intelligence."

"Don't talk about him like that," Castiel growled out at his father, causing Dean to look back at the smaller boy slightly startled. "Dean saved me when nothing else could. He fixed everything that you did, everything that you broke with your lies and your hatred. He loves everything about me that you don't and I love him."

"Oh you love him," the older man spat, grimacing like the word left a bad taste in his mouth. "You love him and he loves you, is that right? Tell me, Dean. Tell me exactly how much you love my son. Tell me the words you used to convince him that Heaven and his mother and his family were worthless to whatever tawdry, cheap emotions that he experienced with you."

"I..." Dean began before trailing off weakly, glancing back apologetically at Castiel who was still just staring at his father like the older man's head would explode if he kept at it.

 _Say it, Dean._ Sam willed, watching his older brother swallow and mouth soundlessly before the revered who had started smiling with wicked glee in the face of Dean's complete inability to voice his emotions. _Show this old bastard exactly what the Winchester's have to offer his sons. Do it for both of us because if he finds out Gabe is dating a sixteen year old we're all totally screwed._

"He doesn't have to prove anything to you," Gabriel interrupted, glancing worriedly at Dean who had dropped his gaze to the courtroom's wooden floor. "None of us do, in fact I'm pretty sure that you're in violation of the restraining order that Castiel has against you; fifty feet daddy dearest or did you forget?"

Revered Novak leered at his oldest biological son, smirking triumphantly before he looked one last time at Dean and the hand that Castiel had put on his boyfriend's shoulder, leaning in to murmur into the larger boy's freckled ear that he loved him and he knew it and it didn't matter if no one else did.

"You two don't know what love is," the Novak patriarch declared with a scornful nod at Dean and Castiel. "Love isn't fornicating or sharing your petty little secrets, it's so painful that it breaks your heart. What you have is nothing. It's fleeting and shallow like rain falling on a sunny day, it won't stand up to the first obstacle it comes up against."

The older man spun on his heel and walked away, joining his lawyer who had been watching the whole exchange nervously while Raphael still sat slumped defeatedly in his chair at the defense table. Sam moved beside his older brother who's eyes had glossed over with tears, angry ones if the set of his jaw was anything to go by.

"It doesn't matter what he thinks," Sam offered, brushing his fingers over the back of Gabriel's hand in an attempt to calm down his own boyfriend who looked like he was either about to faint or throw up. "He's just angry that everyone knows what an asshat he is now, don't let it bother you, Dean. Let's just go home."

"The hotel isn't home," Dean muttered shrugging Castiel's hand off his shoulder agitatedly before sighing and snatching it back up again to hold it in his own again. "I want to go home."

"Then go," Gabriel said briskly, locking his fingers through Sam's for a moment before releasing them and punching Cas lightly in the shoulder. "And take sourpuss here with you, drive back a day early. He doesn't need to be here for the custody hearing, I can change his plane ticket to Sam's name and we'll all fly back on Friday morning."

"I can't leave you here to deal with this alone," Castiel said, shaking his head at his brother's offer even though Sam seen the way that Dean's eyes lit up for the brief moment that the offer had been on the table. "What if father tries to confront you again?"

"Oh, I'm totally telling the police about him violating his restraining order," Gabriel scoffed, smirking at the disbelieving stare that he was getting from his assembled siblings and the Winchester brothers. "What? Fifty feet is fifty feet, dude shouldn't have messed with you. I'm like a momma bear protecting her cubs, that bag of dicks is going to jail so hard. With any luck Uncle Zach will miss the hearing too while trying to bail him out."

"Are you sure, Gabe?" Cas asked, glancing over at Dean who was doing his best to imitate the puppy-dog eyes that Sam had used on his older brother only days before.

"Get your shit out of my hotel room," Gabe deadpanned, pointing a stern finger towards the door of the courtroom and trying not to laugh when Dean hurriedly pulled his younger brother in that direction, telling Cas to shut up and move faster so that they stood a chance of sleeping in their own bed that night.

"You're real sweet sometimes, Gabs." Sam muttered, bumping his shoulder against the other man's before holding open the short swinging door so they could head towards the Impala that Cas and Dean were probably already molesting each other in.

"It's probably all of that candy," his boyfriend teased, looping his arm through Anna's and smiling when the younger girl leaned into him tiredly. "Let's go get some ice cream, I feel the sugar shakes coming on."

* * *

Dean didn't let him drive until they had crossed the state line into Missouri; stopping on a long, lonely stretch of highway to put more gas into the Impala and pushing Castiel's aviator's that he had stolen up into his hair as he squinted at the digital screen on the gas pump. They stocked up on beef jerky and energy drinks and homemade slices of pie that had been rotating on a little rack next to the register that Castiel had bought on a whim as he paid for gas and Dean cleaned the bug splattered windshield of the car while he hummed under his breath.

Baby handled differently than Betty did, the Cadillac was bigger and heavier and took so much time to get up to speed that it was no wonder that the little old men who still drove classic cars around didn't bother with going faster than thirty miles an hour. Dean's car drove like a storm cloud, rolling dark and thunderous along the blacktop when Castiel pressed the gas pedal all the way down to the floor mat that covered his initials carved forever into the floor next to his boyfriend's at Dean's insistence. The weather was nice enough that they kept the windows open, diffusing the loud music that they were singing along to, laughing when the words got turned around or one of them came in too early on the chorus.

His father didn't know anything about him or Dean, hadn't known anything about just him in a long long time. They were in love and they had passed the tests that life had thrown at them already, gone through the hell of the trial and still come out the other end unable to go a minute without touching or glancing happily at one another. Revered Novak was a madman and he didn't know what the hell he was talking about as far as any of his children were concerned.

They were chasing the sun as they drove towards Kansas and rapidly losing the race though truly neither of them really cared. The sinking hazy, orange/pink sliver of the star that they hurtled around felt like their future to Castiel, like something that he and Dean would always be looking towards together laughing and smiling their way through college and growing old and caring more about the stars that shone at night than the one that lit their day like the stupidly, love-struck fools that they were.

The trial and Chicago and Pontiac and his father were all behind them, darkening and fading out in the twilight that grew ever more distant in the back windshield of Dean's car. Cas knew that now everything would be alright; God couldn't possibly want to test him anymore than he already had. The test had served its purpose: to make him stronger and to help him meet Dean, but enough was enough for one lifetime and he felt fairly confident that his version of his creator couldn't possibly be cruel and capricious enough to put him through anything else. Not now that he had a home and a family and had lost all the hesitance that he used to associate with those words when he had first moved to Lawrence over a lifetime ago.

Home, Dean, Family. Practically the same words now they felt so interchangeable and they all caused the same exploding, expanding warmth in his chest when he thought or said them. So he kept saying them, to himself and out loud the entire time that Dean let him drive. They got lost in the music and the sound of the wind whipping though the open windows of the car, but that didn't lesson the effect that they had on him. Dean looked at him confusedly when he noticed it but didn't say anything, he didn't have to. Cas knew what he wanted to say, what he hadn't been able to say to his father: Love.

So Cas added it in, chanting it like a prayer that he would never forget even when his boyfriend made him pull over and move into the passenger seat because Cas was obviously getting sleepier and sleepier the closer they got to Kansas. He was saying them as he dozed off, seeing Dean's face backlit only by the stars that lent their light to the glow of the headlights that illuminated the interior of the car.

Home. Dean. Family. Love. Home. Dean. Family. Love. Home, Dean, family, love. HomeDean. Familylove. homeDeanfamilylove home...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly, I would just like to thank everyone who has ever read or reviewed or favorited or followed me or this story. You kept me going when sometimes I just wanted to stop writing and you are really all of the ones who turned this into the massively huge story that got away from me in all the best ways. During a really lonely time in my life, you all gave me something to look forward to and for that I'll be eternally grateful.
> 
> Secondly, I know that there are unresolved questions. What happened with Chuck and Naomi? Will Raphael ever pop back up in his siblings' lives? Is Meg and Luc's wedding going to be as epically epic as we all hope it will be?! The questions are there on purpose as much as you may hate me for it in order to give you incentive to read the sequel. **Nomad by Fate** should have it's first chapter up sometime next week and it will be starting off with a bang so keep your eyes peeled.
> 
> Thirdly, if you've just finished reading this and feel gypped by the time that I have stolen from you for any reason at all (you hate my writing style, you think I ramble, the smut to plot ratio is waaaaay off, whatever reason you have) then know that I do truly and honestly lament that. If there was a way that I could give you back your time, I would in a heartbeat.
> 
> Thank you for reading, even if you hated BtR or me or both. Thank you because I enjoyed writing this story that started out as a random thought that passed through my brain and went on to haunt my dreams until it had to be written just to get it out of my head. Just...f'n thanks already!


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